When you get married, you legally agree to share everything. That’s in terms of your inner world, the everyday responsibilities, and, of course, the finances.
The latter, though, can be quite tricky in some situations. That is why some couples these days opt for a prenuptial agreement before they legally become a family.
The reasons for a prenup are plenty. Maybe you already have children you want to ensure a secure future for or a business that you wish to protect. Some people are encouraged to get such an agreement by their families because of a possible inheritance.
Whatever the reason, separating the finances can be a smart move. The man in this story, though, might have taken the separation part a little bit too far. Scroll down to read about his situation and see why many commentators identified him as the jerk.
Even when you’re in a relationship, you are entitled to privacy
Image credits: Jesse Wagstaff (not the actual photo)
However, privacy and secrecy are two different things. The man in the following story seems to have confused the two
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Sensitive_R
The secrecy of the situation is a little concerning
Image credits: Nathan Cowley (not the actual photo)
His point of view is understandable. He was simply managing his own assets in a way he preferred to do so. As the house is in his name, it is only fair he is the only one making the decision on what to do with it.
However, as many pointed out, this is not really about the house or wife having a say in what to do with it. In fact, a lot of people agreed that he didn’t really need to consult her about it at all. But the fact that he didn’t once mention anything about making a fairly big financial decision made a lot of people concerned for their communication.
Privacy and independence are needed in every healthy relationship
Image credits: Git Stephen Gitau (not the actual photo)
Having privacy in a relationship is important. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist famous for her work on relationships, says that it’s crucial to make a healthy relationship work. In her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she says “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
This means that you’re not obliged to tell your partner every single thing you do. You’re also not required to give out the passwords for your phone or your credit card PIN. Some experiences are personal, and it’s important to keep them that way.
Hiding things from your partner can lead to serious trouble
Image credits: Odonata Wellnesscenter (not the actual photo)
Once you start hiding something from your partner on purpose, you are veering into the secrecy territory, which is not great.
OkCupid suggests identifying the reasons for which you’re trying to keep things under wraps. Is it because you’re ashamed or scared of the partner’s reaction? Do you think they will get mad? Then you’re probably simply avoiding dealing with the situation at hand.
This seems to be the case in this story, where the man told his wife about his big financial decision at pretty much the last possible moment. He knew the wife would raise her concerns and worries and he didn’t want to deal with those. So, now he needs to deal with her anger.
Hiding something so important can create distrust in a relationship, which might lead to bigger troubles. Owning up to the secrecy and clarifying his intentions might be the only way forward.
The majority of commentators agreed that this was a jerk move
Some, however, thought that the man was justified in his actions
YTA - not telling your partner you are selling the house you currently live in is not socially acceptable behaviour....no matter who owns it!
Here in Sweden the married partner must sign a form giving permission selling a house. Gussing it's something to do with divorce and hiding money?
Load More Replies...
I simply cannot understand that there are so many NTA's in there. Sure it was his house, so he can technically do with it what he wants, but how can people be so neglegent about the fact that she probably has a lot of feelings invested in that place too? As her partner, the least he can do is to investigate her opinion on the project before finalising it. That house was a home, not just a stockoption, and selling it will inevitably have some sort of effect on her life. When you are married, actions you consider taking that can cause major lifechanges for either of you ought to be descussed so you can make an informed choice where all relevant considerations has been taken into account.
I think they confuse "legally it's his right to do it so he is not wrong" with "legally it's his right to do it so he is not wrong, but that still makes him an a*****e". Being legally right doesn't mean you can't be an a*****e. It's about morals. Empathy, emotions, feelings, decent behaviour.
Load More Replies...
YTA. Seriously, you sold the house without even consulting your wife? This is a residence, not a business suit. Smart move leaving the spouse out of the arrangement. Just remember: what goes around, comes around. Don't be surprised if she makes a decision about her personal assets or having children, without discussing it with you.
Spoiler, reading the article only made it worse, despite all his attempts at justifying his behavior.
Load More Replies...
Wow... What kind of person needs to ask if they are the AH after selling their home without even informing their partner...
If your name is a What We Do In The Shadows reference, I promise to upvote every comment you make forever.
Load More Replies...
yeah look, it's not about who owns the house, or even getting "permission" to sell your own asset. It's about being in a relationship and talking major decisions through with your wife.
It is not about wife's approval, as I see it. But communication is a key in any partnership and she should know at least about it. I understand it was HIS property, but it is not like selling your old jacket on fb marketplace. This is bigger decission an she should at least know about it before it happens
This is exactly it. Also, selling a house is a lot of work and takes a while. They were living in the house. How did he keep his wife from knowing about it? That must have taken some active lying no?
Load More Replies...
‘My asset’ etc what kind of marriage is it when you are so precious about owning things so much so you won’t even tell your wife you’re selling house you both currently still live in… it’s not the case of ownership it’s the case of partnership clearly you don’t care that much about her and her feelings. But hey at least you’ve got your ‘assets’
If I were this guy, I would check my "assets" every morning to make sure they were still there, and I'm not referring to money or property.
Load More Replies... 
Jaap, I do find it annoying for someone to own a zillion houses for their own use. On the other hand, he rented out the apartment to tenants for a while. However, I doubt he's selling the house to a homeless person. It's still possible that the next owner will subdivide the house into apartments. In my home town, the housing issue is not simply from rich people owning homes. It's also from investors buying apartments and turning them into AirBnBs. That shuts out tenants and can destroy local businesses that cater to long-term residents (such as clothing stores, grocers, houseware stores, etc.). Gentrification is also an issue as a neighbourhood becomes popular, prices go up, and some landlords attempt "renovictions".
Load More Replies...
YTA. No matter if it is your right or not, you should have told her. It's not illegal to hog the blankets either, but it's not nice.
OP is entitled to do what they want with their house, regardless of what his wife ultimate wishes. OP's wife is also entitled to at least be informed of that decision, if not involved, and at least be heard. It's not about money, nor ownership of assets, etc. It's about communicating with your partner. People who are saying NTA because the house is OPs are either being contrarian or have never been in a healthy relationship. You don't have to tell your partner you're going out one night either, since they don't 'own' you. But then why be in a relationship if you're going to do whatever you want without any consideration of your partner.
YTA. A tenant gets 60 days notice most places if the landlord sells. This guy treated his wife worse than a tenant.
I like how in the first part he talks about how he didn't see the need to discuss the sale with his wife, and didn't even mention the possibility of selling until after the escrow closed, then in the update tried to claim he "thought she agreed to sell, as we both agreed the house was too big..." Sure, Jan.
Yta, you are treating your wife like she's already an ex, maybe you should go ahead and get divorced now.
YTA doesnt begin to touch it. Absolutely nothing in any of his post made him sound remotely tolerable. What a sh*t excuse for a person. Money wont make you a good person but it sure brings out the worst in most.
Sure it is OP's property, but it was also home to both of them. I would say that their relationship isn't one of love and trust but rather in name only.
His house, his choice to sell okay, but: Stage of communication one: Hey, I am going to put the house up for sale, since we also still have the apartment. Stage two: There are some people interested and this might go fast. Is there anything you would like to move to the apartment, in stead of the new house? Stage three: I will be signing the contract tomorrow. We have forty days to move what we leave behind to the apartment, so we can use it there.
Honestly, this just seems like one more illustration of how rich people literally think of no one but themselves. He was an a*****e long before he sold the house.
It's weird that he went through the whole process of showing and selling their home without telling her. Even if they were just about to move, she may have needed more than 45 days to get things done. It's a d*ck move and he knows it. Life advice: When in doubt, talk it out.
I'm surprised she never asked about selling the house. The topic NEVER came up as you were purchasing your new house. This just seems so unbelievable to me that there were zero discussions about not selling the old house. Either she explicitly told him NOT to sell it or he is a VERY crafty liar/avoider and continually told her "not to worry about it" or "we will figure that out later let's take care of this first" every time she asked about it
I'm really confused about how he managed to sell the house without her knowing. Wouldn't there have been a for sale sign? And people coming to look at the house?
YTA! No question in my mind. You disrespected your wife who is now probably wondering what else you are doing/have done that affects her without her knowledge . It's not about whose asset it is. You both live in the house as your primary residence. It's about respect, transparency, empathy and communication. If you cared half as much about your wife's lived experience and trust in your relationship as you do about keeping track of your "assets," perhaps she wouldn't be upset.
Well, don't be surprised if one day soon you are served papers with no prior discussion at all - doesn't sound like her opinion or presence are worth discussing anyway, so shouldn't be a big deal when *poof* she disappears into a whole other life you had no clue she was building.
If you sold your old coffee pot without telling your wife, you'd be TA. And nobody lives in that.
He's the AH for sure! All he had to do was sit down over dinner, and say "honey, I'm going to sell this house, since we already are planning to move to our new home." See how easy that was? You, sir, are an inconsiderate poop head.
It really reads like the relationship is transactional, so why wouldn’t he forgo communication and inclusion? I don’t understand how either could be genuinely happy living such a contractual existence. Sounds like it sucks for both of them. Still, communication or the lack of it is what’s at play here and I’m not convinced the wife isn’t culpable in this. My husband and I encourage and reinforce our communication skills no matter how adept at it we think we are. To think for a second we wouldn’t need to communicate because of legal technicalities is and should always be absolutely foreign. That he didn’t communicate & include her suggests neither is central or key in the relationship and that’s the responsibility of both. Still, he’s def TA.
How do you sit down to dinner every night, eat breakfast every morning, talk daily (that's called marriage) AND NOT mention the upcoming sale of your H O M E ??!! I honestly don't know if you are an AH, But having been a wife and married for over 40 yrs myself, I do know a couple of things Sir. You are clueless and a S@#$ty husband. Hope you don't have specific wishes for your funeral should you pass before her, else she might just do whatever she feels like with your remains. Maybe use your urn as a doorstop.
Seems like ESH. She was aware they were moving to a new house, if the old house was important to her she had plenty of opportunity to say so and she didn't. That's failure to communicate on her part. OP also obviously failed to communicate his plans properly. This is on both of them to talk to each other.
He was TA for not telling her before putting it up for sell. But she is a bit of an A for expecting them to keep a house that they are moving out of partly because they can't keep up the maintenance on the big house anymore, and she expects them to keep it anyways.
Fine - why are you commenting then? And how or if you communicate with your partner has nothing to do with being rich or poor - it is a question of human decency, which this guy is obviously lacking..,
Load More Replies... YTA - not telling your partner you are selling the house you currently live in is not socially acceptable behaviour....no matter who owns it!
Here in Sweden the married partner must sign a form giving permission selling a house. Gussing it's something to do with divorce and hiding money?
Load More Replies... I simply cannot understand that there are so many NTA's in there. Sure it was his house, so he can technically do with it what he wants, but how can people be so neglegent about the fact that she probably has a lot of feelings invested in that place too? As her partner, the least he can do is to investigate her opinion on the project before finalising it. That house was a home, not just a stockoption, and selling it will inevitably have some sort of effect on her life. When you are married, actions you consider taking that can cause major lifechanges for either of you ought to be descussed so you can make an informed choice where all relevant considerations has been taken into account.
I think they confuse "legally it's his right to do it so he is not wrong" with "legally it's his right to do it so he is not wrong, but that still makes him an a*****e". Being legally right doesn't mean you can't be an a*****e. It's about morals. Empathy, emotions, feelings, decent behaviour.
Load More Replies... YTA. Seriously, you sold the house without even consulting your wife? This is a residence, not a business suit. Smart move leaving the spouse out of the arrangement. Just remember: what goes around, comes around. Don't be surprised if she makes a decision about her personal assets or having children, without discussing it with you.
Spoiler, reading the article only made it worse, despite all his attempts at justifying his behavior.
Load More Replies... Wow... What kind of person needs to ask if they are the AH after selling their home without even informing their partner...
If your name is a What We Do In The Shadows reference, I promise to upvote every comment you make forever.
Load More Replies... yeah look, it's not about who owns the house, or even getting "permission" to sell your own asset. It's about being in a relationship and talking major decisions through with your wife.
It is not about wife's approval, as I see it. But communication is a key in any partnership and she should know at least about it. I understand it was HIS property, but it is not like selling your old jacket on fb marketplace. This is bigger decission an she should at least know about it before it happens
This is exactly it. Also, selling a house is a lot of work and takes a while. They were living in the house. How did he keep his wife from knowing about it? That must have taken some active lying no?
Load More Replies... ‘My asset’ etc what kind of marriage is it when you are so precious about owning things so much so you won’t even tell your wife you’re selling house you both currently still live in… it’s not the case of ownership it’s the case of partnership clearly you don’t care that much about her and her feelings. But hey at least you’ve got your ‘assets’
If I were this guy, I would check my "assets" every morning to make sure they were still there, and I'm not referring to money or property.
Load More Replies... Jaap, I do find it annoying for someone to own a zillion houses for their own use. On the other hand, he rented out the apartment to tenants for a while. However, I doubt he's selling the house to a homeless person. It's still possible that the next owner will subdivide the house into apartments. In my home town, the housing issue is not simply from rich people owning homes. It's also from investors buying apartments and turning them into AirBnBs. That shuts out tenants and can destroy local businesses that cater to long-term residents (such as clothing stores, grocers, houseware stores, etc.). Gentrification is also an issue as a neighbourhood becomes popular, prices go up, and some landlords attempt "renovictions".
Load More Replies... YTA. No matter if it is your right or not, you should have told her. It's not illegal to hog the blankets either, but it's not nice.
OP is entitled to do what they want with their house, regardless of what his wife ultimate wishes. OP's wife is also entitled to at least be informed of that decision, if not involved, and at least be heard. It's not about money, nor ownership of assets, etc. It's about communicating with your partner. People who are saying NTA because the house is OPs are either being contrarian or have never been in a healthy relationship. You don't have to tell your partner you're going out one night either, since they don't 'own' you. But then why be in a relationship if you're going to do whatever you want without any consideration of your partner.
YTA. A tenant gets 60 days notice most places if the landlord sells. This guy treated his wife worse than a tenant.
I like how in the first part he talks about how he didn't see the need to discuss the sale with his wife, and didn't even mention the possibility of selling until after the escrow closed, then in the update tried to claim he "thought she agreed to sell, as we both agreed the house was too big..." Sure, Jan.
Yta, you are treating your wife like she's already an ex, maybe you should go ahead and get divorced now.
YTA doesnt begin to touch it. Absolutely nothing in any of his post made him sound remotely tolerable. What a sh*t excuse for a person. Money wont make you a good person but it sure brings out the worst in most.
Sure it is OP's property, but it was also home to both of them. I would say that their relationship isn't one of love and trust but rather in name only.
His house, his choice to sell okay, but: Stage of communication one: Hey, I am going to put the house up for sale, since we also still have the apartment. Stage two: There are some people interested and this might go fast. Is there anything you would like to move to the apartment, in stead of the new house? Stage three: I will be signing the contract tomorrow. We have forty days to move what we leave behind to the apartment, so we can use it there.
Honestly, this just seems like one more illustration of how rich people literally think of no one but themselves. He was an a*****e long before he sold the house.
It's weird that he went through the whole process of showing and selling their home without telling her. Even if they were just about to move, she may have needed more than 45 days to get things done. It's a d*ck move and he knows it. Life advice: When in doubt, talk it out.
I'm surprised she never asked about selling the house. The topic NEVER came up as you were purchasing your new house. This just seems so unbelievable to me that there were zero discussions about not selling the old house. Either she explicitly told him NOT to sell it or he is a VERY crafty liar/avoider and continually told her "not to worry about it" or "we will figure that out later let's take care of this first" every time she asked about it
I'm really confused about how he managed to sell the house without her knowing. Wouldn't there have been a for sale sign? And people coming to look at the house?
YTA! No question in my mind. You disrespected your wife who is now probably wondering what else you are doing/have done that affects her without her knowledge . It's not about whose asset it is. You both live in the house as your primary residence. It's about respect, transparency, empathy and communication. If you cared half as much about your wife's lived experience and trust in your relationship as you do about keeping track of your "assets," perhaps she wouldn't be upset.
Well, don't be surprised if one day soon you are served papers with no prior discussion at all - doesn't sound like her opinion or presence are worth discussing anyway, so shouldn't be a big deal when *poof* she disappears into a whole other life you had no clue she was building.
If you sold your old coffee pot without telling your wife, you'd be TA. And nobody lives in that.
He's the AH for sure! All he had to do was sit down over dinner, and say "honey, I'm going to sell this house, since we already are planning to move to our new home." See how easy that was? You, sir, are an inconsiderate poop head.
It really reads like the relationship is transactional, so why wouldn’t he forgo communication and inclusion? I don’t understand how either could be genuinely happy living such a contractual existence. Sounds like it sucks for both of them. Still, communication or the lack of it is what’s at play here and I’m not convinced the wife isn’t culpable in this. My husband and I encourage and reinforce our communication skills no matter how adept at it we think we are. To think for a second we wouldn’t need to communicate because of legal technicalities is and should always be absolutely foreign. That he didn’t communicate & include her suggests neither is central or key in the relationship and that’s the responsibility of both. Still, he’s def TA.
How do you sit down to dinner every night, eat breakfast every morning, talk daily (that's called marriage) AND NOT mention the upcoming sale of your H O M E ??!! I honestly don't know if you are an AH, But having been a wife and married for over 40 yrs myself, I do know a couple of things Sir. You are clueless and a S@#$ty husband. Hope you don't have specific wishes for your funeral should you pass before her, else she might just do whatever she feels like with your remains. Maybe use your urn as a doorstop.
Seems like ESH. She was aware they were moving to a new house, if the old house was important to her she had plenty of opportunity to say so and she didn't. That's failure to communicate on her part. OP also obviously failed to communicate his plans properly. This is on both of them to talk to each other.
He was TA for not telling her before putting it up for sell. But she is a bit of an A for expecting them to keep a house that they are moving out of partly because they can't keep up the maintenance on the big house anymore, and she expects them to keep it anyways.
Fine - why are you commenting then? And how or if you communicate with your partner has nothing to do with being rich or poor - it is a question of human decency, which this guy is obviously lacking..,
Load More Replies...
36
66