All families are different, yet the main principle almost always remains the same. We take care of our family members because we love them, because “family” means helping each other in times of need. However, a mother-in-law from this post on the AITA subreddit doesn’t seem to think that way.
She prompted her son and daughter-in-law to cover the expenses of cleaning, while they were both at the hospital welcoming their newborn son. The new mom asked the internet whether she’s the AH for refusing to pay because, after all, no one asked the MIL to clean. And even if they did, shouldn’t she, as a family member, help them in a difficult time out of kindness?
Some things we do for family members would usually be paid work if done by a stranger, so is it weird to ask your family for compensation for things such as cleaning?
Image credits: aliona2194 (not the actual photo)
This new mom asked the internet whether she was wrong not to pay her MIL for cleaning the house while she was giving birth at the hospital
The married couple only asked the MIL to look after the dogs, but she decided to clean the house. Now she’s asking for reimbursement
Image credits: KostiantynVoitenko (not the actual photo)
The couple sends the MIL a text saying they don’t intend to pay her, she calls them “ungrateful”
Image credits: Vladdeep (not the actual photo)
Image source: Unlikely-Visitor
Providing unsolicited help and then demanding payment for it can be a sign of toxic behavior
Imgae credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Let’s face it, relationships with in-laws are almost never ideal. It’s no surprise for anyone who’s ever been married that mothers-in-law can often be difficult towards their sons or daughters-in-law. When you’re dealing with a difficult MIL, it’s helpful to look for signs of possibly toxic behavior.
Helping without being asked is recognized by therapists as a trait in toxic mother-in-laws. Licensed clinical social worker Trisha Johnson writes for Choosing Therapy: “A toxic mother-in-law acts this way because she feels that she is the only person capable of doing the job correctly.” Therefore, there’s most likely an ulterior motive: implying that the couple are unable to do the thing or will do it wrong.
What’s important when dealing with a difficult mother-in-law is to understand where she might be coming from. However hard that may sound. Toxic behavior most likely stems from the MIL’s individual issues.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jennifer Freed tells Hella Life: “People who attach strings to kind deeds don’t really believe others will love them unless they have to. Somewhere along the line, they learned that bribery might sustain a relationship.”
She says it’s important to let the MIL know that you’re always grateful for help, but it’s also crucial to let her know that such behavior makes you feel like you’re in a brokerage, not a family.
One way to avoid this in the future is to spend time with the in-law in a setting where there are no strings attached. It’s important to let the person know you value them not for the help they’re providing, but for what they are.
Toxic MILs can also gossip about you to extended family and friends, in an effort to undermine your voice in the community
Image credits: Marília Castelli (not the actual photo)
Toxic mother-in-laws also tend to gossip. And not just to their friends – to other members of the extended family as well. “This may be her method of trying to spread her version of you as truth, and once again manipulate a situation,” Trisha Johnson writes for Choosing Therapy.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook told PureWow that the worst kind of gossiping is when the MIL weaponizes information against you. In such an instance, she might “paint you in a negative light while she is the hero”, while also undermining “your standing in the community [or] family system.”
How to deal with a mother-in-law that expects money for her help and then turns your family against you when she doesn’t get what she wants?
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
As in any relationship, psychologists recommend straightforward communication. A couple should clearly communicate to their in-laws what is on and off the table. It’s always important to set clear boundaries upfront, not after an altercation. A couple should act as a united front – you and your partner should agree on what you consider to be appropriate behavior and be consistent with it.
Not taking it personally is another useful tip. “Recognize that your mother-in-law is who she is. It’s likely that you are just a trigger and her bad behavior is a result of unfortunate experiences from her past,” Trisha Johnson writes for Choosing Therapy.
Dr. Bethany Cook adds to this idea: “how others react to us has more to do with them than you.” Keep in mind that there’s little you can do to change someone’s behavior. What you can change is the way you react and respond to it. Cook advises to reframe “your perspective and expectations of what it is you want, need and will get from your relationship with MIL.”
If nothing seems to work, don’t be afraid to minimize the time spent with the difficult in-law. It doesn’t have to be drastic; ultimatums and such declarations as “We’re never going to speak with you again!” can be a bit of an overkill. Skipping one or two family functions or dinners, on the other hand, is totally okay. Authoritarian gestures will only contribute to the dysfunctional power dynamic, says Dr. Cook.
The commenters defend OP saying she’s not the AH, and OP thanks them for the support
The general consensus is NTA: the MIL shouldn’t ask for payment if she truly did it “out of the kindness of her heart”
I have a feeling this MIL is going to be shocked when they go "no contact" with her. I have to know why they don't want to see me anymore
I totally agree but am bemused that yesterday BPs lacked complete compassion for a bride who was adopted for wanting to go no contact with her manipulative adoptive parents because she 'should be grateful' to adoptive parents.
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Simple solution:1/Send, in writing, your own version of what happened, to all family members. Signed and dated. Include MIL in this correspondence. End by saying you will not answer further questions. 2/Charge MIL for all things in future. An entrance fee for visiting her new grandchild. Gas money and a flat rate for visits to her. Money for drinks (she didn’t leave the OP the cleaning products which she supposedly bought and charged them for, so likewise a cup of tea will cost the same as an entire packet, a helping of sugar will cost the same as an entire bag, etc). 3/Future correspondence with MIL will also be charged the cost of a stamp, envelope and paper, or of the phone call (plus wear and tear on the phone itself!).
This is like volunteering for the homeless out of the kindness of your heart, then presenting them with an itemized bill.
Funny how it's illegal in most places to demand money from someone for performing a service for them without obtaining consent first. Unless your 'employer' agrees beforehand, you're volunteering and donating.
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Dear mom, thank you for your quick response and for clarifying that this was all done out of the kindness of your heart. As you had not informed us prior to your kindness that you had decided to monetize it going forward, we must unfortunately decline to pay the associated invoice. Additionally we want to state, in advance, that we do not wish to subscribe to any further services, and we are advising you in writing that any future invoices will also be declined. Having said that, we believe that we can still come to an amiable and mutually beneficial arrangement in which you are fully compensated for the value of the invoice. Please find enclosed our fees (schedule A) re: future family activity time. You will see that we have drawn up a list of fees for access to the baby. The base rate is hourly however we do offer discounted rates for weekly or longer access. Schedule B lays out the general estimates of any fees and disbursements of the guardians.Schedule C, holiday/OT charges..."
Only one solution: Pay up, to restore peace with wider family. It's important, so go round in person to deliver the money; as a gesture bring a bottle of nice wine ($50--$100) which you OBVIOUSLY demand payment for after pouring it. And because you pour it, you obviously have to charge restaurant-levels of markup (500%). So, you actually leave there either not paying or making money. Simple.
On what planet does the MIL sound even remotely in the right? NTA and... OMG!
A planet where the MIL has only given her side of the story to all the wider family who are now telling the OP that *they* are the AH.
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Pay MIL. And then ask her for $25 per hour every time she wants to see the baby
There is also a booking fee, cancellation charges, parking costs, additional fees if she goes over the allotted time, charges for taking photographs, drinks fees, corkage costs if she brings her own drink…
Load More Replies... I hope they don't give in to the MIL. She'll keep walking all over them. In most places it's illegal to do work without being asked and then demand payment. Both parties have to agree ahead of time. If you go ahead and do the work without the "employer" agreeing first, you've volunteered and donated. That being said, MIL is an opportunist and a manipulator. Who TF takes the opportunity to extort money out of their grandchild's birth? Next thing they know, she's going to be buying the kid a bunch of stuff and demanding to be reimbursed (plus the time spent shopping). They need to either nip this in the bud or go no contact.
Oooh someone's a narcissist with the extended family being her little flying monkeys!
Roll up the carpet and give it to her for christmas. And she can ”gift” you the products. Then demand $25 for every picture or meeting with her new grandson.
I usually mutter “Wtaf” on most of these. I would love nothing more than to care for my daughter if she ever had a baby provided that’s what she wanted. The a holes on most of these posts are all a sandwich short of a picnic.
When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! Time for OP to go LC or NC - no one needs/wants people like that in their lives. Shame on other family members getting involved and 'blowing up phone'. MYOB
OP and DH need to call the IRS and report mom. That is a professional rate and you KNOW she's not declaring it. She wants to pretend she's important during this time and wants attention? Give her REAL attention.
Hope MIL is also okay with them charging her for any kind of help she gets when her age is more advanced.
Damn... My daughter just had a bay on September 25th, I stayed at their house for two nights to watch the two dogs and four cats. The only thing I cleaned was the liter boxes, and I vacuumed. I would never clean the whole house, their house is normally always clean anyway. For this MIL to ask for payment is absolutely ridiculous. Let them have bonding time with the baby without having to worryh about this nonscense!
MIL has a LOT of nerve. She asks for reimbursement for supplies and her labor time, THEN she has the nerve to say she did the cleaning out of the "kindness of her heart." If she were truly kind, she would not have expected payment. Sheesh. This couple needs to keep their distance from her, she's clearly VERY manipulative.
WOW - the goodness of WHAT heart? You don't arbitrarily clean someone's house without ASKING them if they mind AND letting them know you expect to be paid. Your MIL is a major AH and you can tell the rest of the family to f*ck off, reiterating that NO ONE asked her to clean your house FOR MONEWY, so it's really not an act of kindness is it?
Ya'll need to stop putting up with toxic family members. Tell her to F**k O** and enjoy your baby. :)
Definitely go no contact. If she wants life to be a business arrangement, so be it.
Write a proper thank you note. Tell her that you are happy to reimburse her for products that she purchased, but insist upon a receipt and the remainder of the products. She should not have to be out of pocket, despite her snooping. But do not reimburse her until you have the receipt and products. Can she even produce a list of products that you can price out? Because it seems like a lot of money for products. As for her time, she did not advise you up front that she would be charging you for services, thus denying you the opportunity to shop around for the best price and best services you could find. Explain that, then give her 6x $20 for dog care, which is what you would pay, and what you did ask her to do. Then never ask her for a favor again. Warn her that you will not reimburse her for cleaning nor for any future services without a written contract.
Did she actually do it or did she call a service and is passing the bill along? I'd just pay her and ask for the products she bought to do it (and I assume groceries too). But maybe that the next time she's gonna come by and might touch something to put it away or help change the baby you can ask if she I'll change you an just laugh it off. She seemed good hearted but honestly to snoop and bill you is low. Good for ur job standing up to her tho
I have a feeling this MIL is going to be shocked when they go "no contact" with her. I have to know why they don't want to see me anymore
I totally agree but am bemused that yesterday BPs lacked complete compassion for a bride who was adopted for wanting to go no contact with her manipulative adoptive parents because she 'should be grateful' to adoptive parents.
Load More Replies... Simple solution:1/Send, in writing, your own version of what happened, to all family members. Signed and dated. Include MIL in this correspondence. End by saying you will not answer further questions. 2/Charge MIL for all things in future. An entrance fee for visiting her new grandchild. Gas money and a flat rate for visits to her. Money for drinks (she didn’t leave the OP the cleaning products which she supposedly bought and charged them for, so likewise a cup of tea will cost the same as an entire packet, a helping of sugar will cost the same as an entire bag, etc). 3/Future correspondence with MIL will also be charged the cost of a stamp, envelope and paper, or of the phone call (plus wear and tear on the phone itself!).
This is like volunteering for the homeless out of the kindness of your heart, then presenting them with an itemized bill.
Funny how it's illegal in most places to demand money from someone for performing a service for them without obtaining consent first. Unless your 'employer' agrees beforehand, you're volunteering and donating.
Load More Replies... Dear mom, thank you for your quick response and for clarifying that this was all done out of the kindness of your heart. As you had not informed us prior to your kindness that you had decided to monetize it going forward, we must unfortunately decline to pay the associated invoice. Additionally we want to state, in advance, that we do not wish to subscribe to any further services, and we are advising you in writing that any future invoices will also be declined. Having said that, we believe that we can still come to an amiable and mutually beneficial arrangement in which you are fully compensated for the value of the invoice. Please find enclosed our fees (schedule A) re: future family activity time. You will see that we have drawn up a list of fees for access to the baby. The base rate is hourly however we do offer discounted rates for weekly or longer access. Schedule B lays out the general estimates of any fees and disbursements of the guardians.Schedule C, holiday/OT charges..."
Only one solution: Pay up, to restore peace with wider family. It's important, so go round in person to deliver the money; as a gesture bring a bottle of nice wine ($50--$100) which you OBVIOUSLY demand payment for after pouring it. And because you pour it, you obviously have to charge restaurant-levels of markup (500%). So, you actually leave there either not paying or making money. Simple.
On what planet does the MIL sound even remotely in the right? NTA and... OMG!
A planet where the MIL has only given her side of the story to all the wider family who are now telling the OP that *they* are the AH.
Load More Replies... Pay MIL. And then ask her for $25 per hour every time she wants to see the baby
There is also a booking fee, cancellation charges, parking costs, additional fees if she goes over the allotted time, charges for taking photographs, drinks fees, corkage costs if she brings her own drink…
Load More Replies... I hope they don't give in to the MIL. She'll keep walking all over them. In most places it's illegal to do work without being asked and then demand payment. Both parties have to agree ahead of time. If you go ahead and do the work without the "employer" agreeing first, you've volunteered and donated. That being said, MIL is an opportunist and a manipulator. Who TF takes the opportunity to extort money out of their grandchild's birth? Next thing they know, she's going to be buying the kid a bunch of stuff and demanding to be reimbursed (plus the time spent shopping). They need to either nip this in the bud or go no contact.
Oooh someone's a narcissist with the extended family being her little flying monkeys!
Roll up the carpet and give it to her for christmas. And she can ”gift” you the products. Then demand $25 for every picture or meeting with her new grandson.
I usually mutter “Wtaf” on most of these. I would love nothing more than to care for my daughter if she ever had a baby provided that’s what she wanted. The a holes on most of these posts are all a sandwich short of a picnic.
When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! Time for OP to go LC or NC - no one needs/wants people like that in their lives. Shame on other family members getting involved and 'blowing up phone'. MYOB
OP and DH need to call the IRS and report mom. That is a professional rate and you KNOW she's not declaring it. She wants to pretend she's important during this time and wants attention? Give her REAL attention.
Hope MIL is also okay with them charging her for any kind of help she gets when her age is more advanced.
Damn... My daughter just had a bay on September 25th, I stayed at their house for two nights to watch the two dogs and four cats. The only thing I cleaned was the liter boxes, and I vacuumed. I would never clean the whole house, their house is normally always clean anyway. For this MIL to ask for payment is absolutely ridiculous. Let them have bonding time with the baby without having to worryh about this nonscense!
MIL has a LOT of nerve. She asks for reimbursement for supplies and her labor time, THEN she has the nerve to say she did the cleaning out of the "kindness of her heart." If she were truly kind, she would not have expected payment. Sheesh. This couple needs to keep their distance from her, she's clearly VERY manipulative.
WOW - the goodness of WHAT heart? You don't arbitrarily clean someone's house without ASKING them if they mind AND letting them know you expect to be paid. Your MIL is a major AH and you can tell the rest of the family to f*ck off, reiterating that NO ONE asked her to clean your house FOR MONEWY, so it's really not an act of kindness is it?
Ya'll need to stop putting up with toxic family members. Tell her to F**k O** and enjoy your baby. :)
Definitely go no contact. If she wants life to be a business arrangement, so be it.
Write a proper thank you note. Tell her that you are happy to reimburse her for products that she purchased, but insist upon a receipt and the remainder of the products. She should not have to be out of pocket, despite her snooping. But do not reimburse her until you have the receipt and products. Can she even produce a list of products that you can price out? Because it seems like a lot of money for products. As for her time, she did not advise you up front that she would be charging you for services, thus denying you the opportunity to shop around for the best price and best services you could find. Explain that, then give her 6x $20 for dog care, which is what you would pay, and what you did ask her to do. Then never ask her for a favor again. Warn her that you will not reimburse her for cleaning nor for any future services without a written contract.
Did she actually do it or did she call a service and is passing the bill along? I'd just pay her and ask for the products she bought to do it (and I assume groceries too). But maybe that the next time she's gonna come by and might touch something to put it away or help change the baby you can ask if she I'll change you an just laugh it off. She seemed good hearted but honestly to snoop and bill you is low. Good for ur job standing up to her tho
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