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18 Women Share The Red Flags They Ignored While Dating That Became A Reality After Marriage
There are a million things to consider before getting married. Whether or not you and your partner plan to have children, where the two of you want to live, whether or not you’ll combine your finances, and of course, any unresolved issues within your relationship. Tying the knot can be one of the most exciting times in your life, but it’s important to remember that all of those annoying or concerning habits that your partner has prior to getting married will not vanish overnight. In fact, it’s likely that they’ll only grow over time.
Women have recently been opening up on Reddit about some of the red flags they ignored in their relationships before getting married, so we've gathered some of their most poignant responses below. Keep reading to also find an interview with a counselor from The Marriage Foundation, and don't forget to upvote any answers that might help someone else recognize unsettling behavior in their own partner!
Discover more in 50 Women Share The Red Flags They Ignored While Dating That Became A Reality After Marriage
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#1
Persistence- at first I was flattered that he didn’t just nevermind my “no” to dating him or my not answering my phone if I was upset.
Persistence meant he cared! People who “don’t care” just never mind it.
Probably the MOST incorrect thing I ever believed.
Persistence is a 🚩 Refusing to let you leave it at
“no” is a consent issue. Refusing to let you make the choice to not talk rn is a control issue. This is a sign this human doesn’t respect boundaries or consent.
At first 5 missed calls after a bicker is kinda charming. 15yrs later it’s threats to your life if you don’t answer now!
NEVER mistake persistence for “caring”
The only thing a human should ever persist onto you is taking care of yourself. Any other reason is for *their* self gain.
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#2
The way he treats OTHER people, not just me.
That is, he was good to me early on, because he wanted to impress me. The poor treatment came later.
So the lesson I learned is to watch how he (or she) treats OTHER people. Since they’re not trying to impress them, you can spot their true colors much more easily that way.
Watch how they treat their friends, family, coworkers, etc. You’re looking for a pattern of behavior. If they have a problem with their boss, maybe they have a bad boss. If they have a problem with every boss they’ve ever had, that’s a different story!
Similar for friends. Maybe they have one problematic friend, but that’s different from having problems with practically ALL their friends!
Especially pay attention to how they treat women they’re not attracted to. And to people they consider “inferior” (for example, waitstaff and retail workers). And of course, pay attention to who they consider inferior in the first place!
#3
I've read quite a few comments and am surprised that this hasn't ranked higher:
The biggest red flag is them rushing the relationship and expressing strong feelings too early on. It spells terrible every time.
#4
He lied about all kinds of things.
Told me that a coworkers wife had cancer (she didn’t ) told me later that I had made that up.
He told me that if he got an erection and it wasn’t satisfied, he would have to go to the hospital to have it fixed (I can’t believe I was that naive)
He told me that my mother and he had an affair before we met (why would he say that?) told me she came onto him.
When I found a ring box on the Christmas tree that my father had hidden for my mother, he said it was from him. When I excitedly showed it to my father, who was truly shocked, he just shrugged. Told me I misunderstood.
Told his and mine 9 yo son he was coming home for Christmas and had lots of toys for him. He never showed up and no toys ever came. Told me my son misheard him.
Told everyone at the same sons funeral that he “always” wrote to his son since the divorce and they had a special bond. He never ever wrote and my son had legally changed his name to mine and never bothered telling his father. My son never saw or heard anything from his father since we left 14 years earlier.
#6
Basic inability to do generic things like making doctors appointments. I’m now his mother in this aspect and it drives me up a wall
#7
The coveted “he hates everyone but me”. Yes it makes you feel special and fawned over, but you’re gonna have to be everything for them because they have no other meaningful relationships in their life.
#8
Being a nice guy can also have it’s downfalls. Avoiding conflict at all cost, even saying sorry when it isn’t truly meant solves nothing. Something inside of him truly believes he can do no wrong, bc he’s so nice, right!? Wrong. Turns out he believes he’s so nice so when he does something wrong, it’s all my fault, or it’s all my fault for not immediately accepting his sorry and then he gets abusive bc he believes he deserves to be forgiven on his terms. Not so nice after all.
#9
Not keeping his word. He didn't keep his word on small things then and now he doesn't keep his word on larger things.
#10
always left dishes piled up in the sink until mold grew, and didn't really pick up his clothes. It turns out, mommy did everything for him, so he never thought much about it. I should have realized this wasn't going to change when we moved in together.
#11
1) When he was proud of not ever doing anything he didn't want to. Turns out he's right, he won't. Which included changing absolutely anything in his life when the children arrived.
2) the holes in the walls. Speaks for itself.
#12
If y’all spend money differently, don’t think it’s going to change after your married, after you have kids, after you have a joint bank account, etc. Financial reasons are the number one reason people get divorced and if you aren’t on the same page now, you most likely won’t be 5,10, 15 years later.
#13
Extreme jealousy. I dated some who watched my house, tried to trace my calls, let me see no one but him, constant arguments, was late, insulted me.
#14
How involved are his parents in your relationship.
We were dating only a few months and it’s like his parents were just… always… involved in our relationship. I actually didn’t ignore this sign. I ended up breaking up with him not too long after I noticed this, but I think this is a big one, ladies.
To clarify; what I mean is that the parents would make decisions for him or kind of influence his decisions I guess; would kind of be in the know about things happening in our relationship, etc. It’s just weird, you know? We were in our mid-twenties. This kind of dynamic is just unhealthy. Period.
#15
His emotional repression and strict upbringing. It's apparent he has anger issues and can't deal with the stress of parenting. His reaction to stressful situations is anger and he's overbearing as a parent.
#16
I say this fully loving my husband and it is something he is truly working on and has improved quite a bit (still working on it tho), but if they don’t clean their dorm room/apartment/whatever…they won’t clean the home you share.
#17
Indecision, being wishy washy about small decisions. This lead to him not being able to honor big commitments. He could be easily swayed.
#18
Mommy still bought him his clothes
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