50 Of The Most Hilarious Tweets, As Shared On This Instagram Page (New Pics)

That's real brotherly love.

Yes

Just like with any good experiment! You need a control 🧑‍🔬

Every pakistani house has it too. I am sure we didn't invent it though. But our moms generally are keepers of things that "might come in handy someday"

🤣

😂 I'm using this

This begs the question, what are they going to do before my next colonoscopy?

The fact that he is worried about the cat makes me believe he will turn out alright! Yes indeedy!

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow.

H0rn iest is censored? Seriously???

Megamind

I tell people - wait till the next day. That often works (though the day after is often back to negative and the next day better, etc).

Lab grown diamonds are literally the exact same thing as natural diamonds....minus all the bloodshed

I'm 32 I've abandoned the quest and I'm hiding from everything and everyone trying to read and hide

Brian Leahy

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Breaking Good

Get a key rack. Come home, put them on the hook.

water is yummy. idrk what it tastes like, but its so f*****g yummy

Haha, could happen to me

Oh no's! Please not my cheese

He's a 60 year old 5 year old

Just goes to show how we should never assume.

Back in the day, when I used to partake of the herb, I used to get high as hell and do EVERYBODY'S laundry. It was not a chore then.

I mean there is always a dollar menu

If you have 3, name the others bigian and median

Praise be to little Debbie.

How exactly does this work? She has not had a chance to get to the first window yet so how did you have a receipt by the second window? Maybe it's because I'm not from America but here we have 3 windows, first to order, second to pay, and third to collect. It seems there you order and pay at the first window and second one you pick up, which makes sense, but how did anyone know what food she wanted? I guess they went to ask her?

Why is this on this thread?

My crotch fruit is more likely to leave random lights on and lose the remote. Maybe I’m doing this parent thing wrong. But my new random push is I’m making him get his own drink when he asks, he’s seven, fully capable. He’s my only so I know I do too much for him, I’m trying though.

Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday to make money 💰. To everyone say no duh 🙄 noooo u don't say heavy sarcasm unless anyone is to thick to get it

They are clearly insane and shouldn't be trusted

I once got accused of cheating, because my pen ran out of ink halfway through, and I had to switch to a new one, and I obviously cheated, cuz the ink changed halfway through... WTF? It was handed out to me at the beginning of class, was done there with the teacher watching, and was handed in within less than 30 minutes. I always get A's on tests, and don't do my homework. Turns out I'm autistic.. joke's on them.

they have legs. they have tiny legs like ours, complete with knee

That is ridiculous. I get the teachers were still trying to manage behavior and consequences are necessary but zoom detention? You know that the kid is going to be doing something fun just out of frame right?

I've watched a few when the wife binged them from time to time. They really do paint women in an awful light. Usually wrong, making bad decisions, sometimes out of spite. Trying way too hard at something they should easily be and to judge isn't possible in the time allotted etc. and then "saved" by the sensible man who's been shaking his head at her the whole movie

Note to self: start giving stupid name to baristas at coffeeshops.

And they all look horrible

As a northern Canadian , growing up it was the complete opposite. We went shopping (or mom made) costumes that were intentionally huge for our snow suits to fit underneath, and the first time I saw a movie with kids trick-or-treating in pretty princess gowns that weren't covered up, and NO SNOW on the ground, I was mind blown.

Or any other day, thanks

But.. could anyone else see him?

Oops, this is me. I usually explain after the first long pause though 😅

I prefer "Sample" myself.

Well, looks like you get an air fryer then

Good for you. When it goes from being a kindness to a guilt trip it's time to break the chain.

I actually have a friend named Elizabeth who goes by Liz and her childhood nickname that she still uses as an adult is Lizard.

I found a phone once. held on to it waiting fora call so I could find the owner, meet up, and hand it over. it finally rang and they threatened me so I took it t the nearest carrier store. good luck

Sometimes men and all their horror make me feel really discouraged about being alive and the future of the planet and humanity. And then I remember women exist and it feels like being hugged by your favorite person simultaneously wrapping you in your favorite blanket fresh out of the dryer.

"Fluff my feathers" I'm pleased, irritated, or shocked. A multi purpose expression

That accurately describes my freshman year of college. On Monday get assigned to read page 1 to 131 by Wednesday,

Don't see what the problem is as long as he assisted the callers accordingly

A Pancake? As in a singular Pancake? He is clearly some kind of monster.