Guy Bans His 20 Y.O. Picky Eater BIL From His Home After He Lost His Temper Over Not Being Able To Order Pizza Hut
It’s likely that when many of you hear the term “picky eater,” you imagine a toddler turning their nose up at broccoli during mealtime, but a fair share of adults also struggle with consuming an extremely narrow repertoire of foods.
This Redditor’s brother-in-law isn’t an exception. The guy’s in his twenties, with a diet consisting of junk, which, if you think about it, is no one’s concern but his own – however, the constant tantrums over food finally led to the author’s decision to ban him from his house.
More info: Reddit | Daniel O’Shaughnessy | Daniel’s book
Man prohibits his brother-in-law, who’s a picky eater, from entering his house until he “learns to behave”
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual image)
On the grounds that he kicked up a fuss at a family gathering over not being able to order Pizza Hut
Image credits: ELEVATE (not the actual image)
Image credits: Dan Keck (not the actual image)
Image source: u/mf9769
“AITA for banning my picky eater BIL from my house and telling him he’s not welcome until I say he is?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most honorable communities to ask its members if it was a jerk move to ban his brother-in-law from his house for constantly throwing tantrums over food. The post managed to garner nearly 7K upvotes as well as 799 comments discussing the situation.
Did you know that according to a 2022 piece from The Washington Post, Hana Zickgraf, an assistant professor of psychology who studies eating behavior at the University of South Alabama, has estimated that roughly 30% of people identify as picky eaters?
Now, when it comes to children, selective eating is very common, and even if there’s no one-size-fits-all cause as to why it happens, there are two feasible possibilities: some kids are naturally more sensitive to smells, tastes, and textures, while others develop such habits by simply copying their parents’ diet.
Regardless, tackling fussy eating in childhood is a much more doable job, as there’s always a responsible guardian who’s willing to go above and beyond, which is why many tend to outgrow their quirky eating habits. However, when you’re a grown adult, that’s a whole different problem.
First and foremost, everyone is different, and sometimes the efforts don’t play out as well as one would hope. So while you’re very much likely to ditch your childhood food preferences, some may still hang on to their dislikes, and what makes it all worse is that there’s a lot of stigma around adult picky eaters.
There’s no sympathy, and such people are frequently viewed as spoiled and childish. But what most fail to realize is that this, often branded a “kids’ whim,” is not something that folks can just get over. Moreover, in addition to being officially recognized as an eating disorder, experts claim that severe cases of picky eating may also have traumatic origins.
But is this really the case for the author’s brother-in-law?
The OP’s wife and his MIL agree with his decision – however, his dad fears that they might change their opinion
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
For starters, although “J,” the brother-in-law in question, indeed seems to be struggling with picky eating, his primary issue appears to be his penchant for throwing tantrums.
However, what’s worth noting is that the overall character of the post pushes more on the relationship aspect between the two rather than the guy’s issue with food. The original poster claims that he banned his family member from his home because of his “pouting, yelling, and screaming” that ensued after the 20-year-old found that there was nothing for him to eat, as his safe choice, Pizza Hut, was closed – but why didn’t the family prepare in advance, if they know that J doesn’t do well outside his diet? Plus, we can’t skip over the multiple mentions of J being a smoker, which only adds to the fact that there’s a lot more to this altercation.
To get an expert opinion on the situation, Bored Panda reached out to Daniel O’Shaughnessy, an award-winning nutritionist and mindset coach based in London, UK. Daniel has been in clinical practice for over ten years and is the author of Naked Nutrition: An LGBTQ+ Guide to Diet & Lifestyle, which is the first book of its kind to focus on the nutritional needs of the LGBTQ+ population.
First things first, we asked Daniel what it means to be a “picky eater”: “There’s a difference between picky eating and someone not eating what you want them to eat. From the blog, it sounds like the author is having an emotive response. It does not reference picky eating as the core problem, more that the family member has a preference for fried food over a salad. Picky eating is more about disliking food based on textures, taste, etc. If I’m honest, it sounds like the ‘picky eater’ doesn’t enjoy spending time with the author. The references to marijuana in the blog seem irrelevant, especially to someone categorised as a ‘picky eater’. Better practice would be to engage the person on a one-to-one level rather than posting on a forum where he can be easily identified based on description.
The author states that ‘No one should cater to you unless you have dietary needs (allergies, kosher/halal/Hindu, etc.)’ – why not?”
“It’s hard to say what is common and uncommon as picky eating is an umbrella term, as the definition is subjective. For example, a vegan or someone following a gluten-free diet may be regarded as a picky eater to some. If someone truly has certain dislikes around taste or texture, this can be a result of certain factors – such as childhood trauma or adverse childhood events, being made to eat certain things or having to finish all of your meal, lack of education around what food is healthy, or perhaps even biochemical imbalances – but it’s very hard to pinpoint exactly what,” the nutritionist said when we pondered how common picky eating is and what the possible causes are.
Lastly, Daniel added: “The first step to handling adult picky eaters is to establish an open line of communication. Preaching to someone about your own idea of what to and what not to eat is purposeless. If someone is a picky eater wanting to change, small alterations such as one or two dietary changes a week will ensure a positive mindset and lasting changes. In my book, Naked Nutrition: An LGBTQ+ Guide to Diet and Lifestyle, I explain the foundation for these changes.”
What do you think about the situation?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the situation
I'm on the Autism spectrum and I see a lot of flags here. And the tantrums lead me to believe that he hasn't learned the skills that most of us get growing up- emotional regulation. I hope he gets the help he needs.
No kidding, and ditto. The more I read, the more I said to myself; sounds like this guy is on the spectrum but has never been diagnosed. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away, and in fact, it makes the problem worse. The parents are AHs for dealing with this in the way they have. The OP is not an AH for not wanting to deal with it when the parents pretend there's no problem.
I agree with majority of this thread (haven't read all). I hope J gets some help, it's rough being undiagnosed, thinking you're losing mind or self, etc.
Report the parents for neglect, maybe they will be forced to get him help?
I'm autistic too and wondering if those "tantrums" are actually meltdowns - which can be an involuntary neurological event for those who don't know. The false assault charges thing isn't OK. But it sounds a lot to me like someone with unmet support needs and family lacking in insight and compassion. Not good for anyone involved.
yeah, the "tantrums" sound like meltdowns to me - I was diagnosed AuDHD six months ago. If he has issues like this and it's a pattern it speaks to far more than him just being a "picky eater" or acting like a jerk when he doesn't get his way. Sure, everyone is responsible for their actions and behavior despite any diagnoses, but this poor guy has never been evaluated for anything. I think his parents are the AHs here - their kid is 20, acting like this habitually and they just don't seem to care?? wtf.
I'm going to borrow "AuDHD"! I have a whole slew of acronyms- I'm ASD, ADD, GAD, MDD, PTSD, and since many of these diagnoses have co-morbid conditions I'm also dealing with sensory processing disorder (goes by a few different names these days), rejection sensitive dysphoria... good grief the list just goes on and on! The strange-to-me thing is that I didn't get my ADD and ASD diagnoses until after my youngest received his. While filling out the million questionnaires, one day I snagged a nurse and asked if XYZ was a thing... yeah, apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At least I kinda know why I've always been considered weird or quirky (or worse) and why some people seem to just dislike me on sight. Hey, but I'm hella good at things that interest me though!
Absolutely. Whether he has a diagnosable neurological disorder (ASD, ADHD, sensory, etc.) or not, he hasn't learned the emotional regulation or healthy coping skills he needs as a functioning adult. Someone needs to help him. It's not OP's responsibility, but he seems to be the only one who sees that this young man needs help.
My son is on the spectrum and the first thing I thought about J is that he is too. The food is a major thing with my son and we are working on it every day because it's bothering him very much. What bothers me the most about this story, is that he got to the age of 20 without anyone talking about it with his parents. I can accept that a person who is not familliar with the issue will not be able to put his finger on it, but someone at school must have had some idea about autism and had to recognize the simpthomes.
And one week on facility can not contribute in reliable diagnostic, especially if nobody is interested to face reality. Poor guy.
I don’t have autism (at least I don’t think so) but I very likely have ADHD (no official diagnosis but self assessments are strong and I also have close family who have it). I also received some emotional abuse from both my parents and wasn’t allowed to cry or get angry. Now I get angry at everything. Not saying he’s not on the spectrum because it certainly is a strong suggestion, just saying there might be even more on top of that.
I'm so sorry! Hey, I don't know if it'll work, but in my 20s I discovered a heavy bag (60+ lb hanging punching bags) and when I got mad or frustrated I would beat the ever-loving $#!+ out of the heavy bag until my knuckles were bloody. After a solid 5 years or so, I found that my anger & frustration levels almost matched a neurotypical response. So if you have that option, maybe try one out? We still have it in the garage and I've taught my kids to use it (but with boxing gloves) and it seems to have helped them, too (one girl, one boy).
You don’t need to sorry it’s not your fault. Thanks for the advice :>
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Why does he need a label, not every single person has ADHD or some other pathetic excuse for being a s****y person, he has been allowed to behave like this without consequences for his actions. Discipline needs to come back, not labels.
because if he is on the spectrum, simply trying to force him to have "discipline" isn't going to work. It's a spectrum so it varies from person to person but if he truly has this much trouble with foods then he's going to need to work with that in ways that are effective, not just imposed on him by people who think he needs to "act better." he does need to learn to deal with it, but simply calling him a jerk when he's showing signs a lot of autistic people show isn't going to do much.
The In-laws are AH if they refuse to get J tested. This behaviour is not normal, is unconnected to the weed smoking (unless he started that as a preteen, it's unlikely to have led to a change in his behaviour, and even then, it wouldn't be tantrums as a result), and either means they've raised an entitled man-child, or he has mental health issues that need to be addressed. But this is 100% on his parents, not OP. His parents don't want him falling out with the in-laws when the in-laws already agree with him? That's enough projection for an IMAX.
The pot could be self medicating. Dude obviously has some issues.
That's what I was thinking. He's self medicating. Also, never underestimate the culminating effect of 1000s of chemicals in fast food on top of whatever else he's dealing with.
Weed deff has 0 connection to the behavior though his condition likely is the cause of him needing it so bad.
The in-laws don't agree with him. He says that in the post and his mom agrees with him but his dad is scared of him falling out with the in-laws because of past experience.
"My wife and MIL agree with me for now"
I misread that part by accident, I apologize.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Some people have serious issues with reading comprehension. It was clear written that the wife and MIL supported the OP but his parents didn't.
I misread that part by accident, I don't have "serious issues" with reading comprehension. It was an accidental mistake on my part so don't down vote me for it.
Schizophrenia? nah, I have schizophrenia and I aint that picky. Sounds like Autism food aversion, and he'll only eat what he's comfortable with. I also am autistic and was like this as a child, would only eat the same around 3 or 4 different meals over and over, but I had therapy and such and saw a dietician, now I'll eat all sorts. The tantrum throwing over not getting his way also screams "autism" to me. (another thing therapy helped me a lot with emotional regulation) But he still needs to learn that tantrums don't get him what he wants, and I feel like the parents are enabling the behaviour. OP definitely is NTA, brother is kinda the AH but parents are probably the biggest AH here for enabling the brother, who may benefit from psychiatric help and possibly a dietician.
I was thinking the same thing. When OP said that his nurse friend said that J may be schizophrenic, I was like, no no no no. That ain't schizophrenia, that's more towards being Autistic than anything. And with the in-laws, oh Lord. Those people are such enablers it's not even funny. They seem to be the type to think that vaccines are bad since they're so old-fashioned.
Facts. Sadly though getting help even now might not do much as his parents catered to his behavior for mlst his life. Enough so its become learned n ingrained :/ hopefully it can be undone but its slim odds at 20
I'm on the Autism spectrum and I see a lot of flags here. And the tantrums lead me to believe that he hasn't learned the skills that most of us get growing up- emotional regulation. I hope he gets the help he needs.
No kidding, and ditto. The more I read, the more I said to myself; sounds like this guy is on the spectrum but has never been diagnosed. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away, and in fact, it makes the problem worse. The parents are AHs for dealing with this in the way they have. The OP is not an AH for not wanting to deal with it when the parents pretend there's no problem.
I agree with majority of this thread (haven't read all). I hope J gets some help, it's rough being undiagnosed, thinking you're losing mind or self, etc.
Report the parents for neglect, maybe they will be forced to get him help?
I'm autistic too and wondering if those "tantrums" are actually meltdowns - which can be an involuntary neurological event for those who don't know. The false assault charges thing isn't OK. But it sounds a lot to me like someone with unmet support needs and family lacking in insight and compassion. Not good for anyone involved.
yeah, the "tantrums" sound like meltdowns to me - I was diagnosed AuDHD six months ago. If he has issues like this and it's a pattern it speaks to far more than him just being a "picky eater" or acting like a jerk when he doesn't get his way. Sure, everyone is responsible for their actions and behavior despite any diagnoses, but this poor guy has never been evaluated for anything. I think his parents are the AHs here - their kid is 20, acting like this habitually and they just don't seem to care?? wtf.
I'm going to borrow "AuDHD"! I have a whole slew of acronyms- I'm ASD, ADD, GAD, MDD, PTSD, and since many of these diagnoses have co-morbid conditions I'm also dealing with sensory processing disorder (goes by a few different names these days), rejection sensitive dysphoria... good grief the list just goes on and on! The strange-to-me thing is that I didn't get my ADD and ASD diagnoses until after my youngest received his. While filling out the million questionnaires, one day I snagged a nurse and asked if XYZ was a thing... yeah, apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At least I kinda know why I've always been considered weird or quirky (or worse) and why some people seem to just dislike me on sight. Hey, but I'm hella good at things that interest me though!
Absolutely. Whether he has a diagnosable neurological disorder (ASD, ADHD, sensory, etc.) or not, he hasn't learned the emotional regulation or healthy coping skills he needs as a functioning adult. Someone needs to help him. It's not OP's responsibility, but he seems to be the only one who sees that this young man needs help.
My son is on the spectrum and the first thing I thought about J is that he is too. The food is a major thing with my son and we are working on it every day because it's bothering him very much. What bothers me the most about this story, is that he got to the age of 20 without anyone talking about it with his parents. I can accept that a person who is not familliar with the issue will not be able to put his finger on it, but someone at school must have had some idea about autism and had to recognize the simpthomes.
And one week on facility can not contribute in reliable diagnostic, especially if nobody is interested to face reality. Poor guy.
I don’t have autism (at least I don’t think so) but I very likely have ADHD (no official diagnosis but self assessments are strong and I also have close family who have it). I also received some emotional abuse from both my parents and wasn’t allowed to cry or get angry. Now I get angry at everything. Not saying he’s not on the spectrum because it certainly is a strong suggestion, just saying there might be even more on top of that.
I'm so sorry! Hey, I don't know if it'll work, but in my 20s I discovered a heavy bag (60+ lb hanging punching bags) and when I got mad or frustrated I would beat the ever-loving $#!+ out of the heavy bag until my knuckles were bloody. After a solid 5 years or so, I found that my anger & frustration levels almost matched a neurotypical response. So if you have that option, maybe try one out? We still have it in the garage and I've taught my kids to use it (but with boxing gloves) and it seems to have helped them, too (one girl, one boy).
You don’t need to sorry it’s not your fault. Thanks for the advice :>
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Why does he need a label, not every single person has ADHD or some other pathetic excuse for being a s****y person, he has been allowed to behave like this without consequences for his actions. Discipline needs to come back, not labels.
because if he is on the spectrum, simply trying to force him to have "discipline" isn't going to work. It's a spectrum so it varies from person to person but if he truly has this much trouble with foods then he's going to need to work with that in ways that are effective, not just imposed on him by people who think he needs to "act better." he does need to learn to deal with it, but simply calling him a jerk when he's showing signs a lot of autistic people show isn't going to do much.
The In-laws are AH if they refuse to get J tested. This behaviour is not normal, is unconnected to the weed smoking (unless he started that as a preteen, it's unlikely to have led to a change in his behaviour, and even then, it wouldn't be tantrums as a result), and either means they've raised an entitled man-child, or he has mental health issues that need to be addressed. But this is 100% on his parents, not OP. His parents don't want him falling out with the in-laws when the in-laws already agree with him? That's enough projection for an IMAX.
The pot could be self medicating. Dude obviously has some issues.
That's what I was thinking. He's self medicating. Also, never underestimate the culminating effect of 1000s of chemicals in fast food on top of whatever else he's dealing with.
Weed deff has 0 connection to the behavior though his condition likely is the cause of him needing it so bad.
The in-laws don't agree with him. He says that in the post and his mom agrees with him but his dad is scared of him falling out with the in-laws because of past experience.
"My wife and MIL agree with me for now"
I misread that part by accident, I apologize.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Some people have serious issues with reading comprehension. It was clear written that the wife and MIL supported the OP but his parents didn't.
I misread that part by accident, I don't have "serious issues" with reading comprehension. It was an accidental mistake on my part so don't down vote me for it.
Schizophrenia? nah, I have schizophrenia and I aint that picky. Sounds like Autism food aversion, and he'll only eat what he's comfortable with. I also am autistic and was like this as a child, would only eat the same around 3 or 4 different meals over and over, but I had therapy and such and saw a dietician, now I'll eat all sorts. The tantrum throwing over not getting his way also screams "autism" to me. (another thing therapy helped me a lot with emotional regulation) But he still needs to learn that tantrums don't get him what he wants, and I feel like the parents are enabling the behaviour. OP definitely is NTA, brother is kinda the AH but parents are probably the biggest AH here for enabling the brother, who may benefit from psychiatric help and possibly a dietician.
I was thinking the same thing. When OP said that his nurse friend said that J may be schizophrenic, I was like, no no no no. That ain't schizophrenia, that's more towards being Autistic than anything. And with the in-laws, oh Lord. Those people are such enablers it's not even funny. They seem to be the type to think that vaccines are bad since they're so old-fashioned.
Facts. Sadly though getting help even now might not do much as his parents catered to his behavior for mlst his life. Enough so its become learned n ingrained :/ hopefully it can be undone but its slim odds at 20