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Folks Who “Vanished” Reveal The Realities Of Starting New Lives As New People
Let’s be real: we’ve all thought at least once about running away to join the circus. Not literally (although we’re not judging if that’s your thing) but in the sense of just ghosting society and starting a completely new life where nobody knows your (real) name.
Someone asked the internet, “People who have "disappeared" to start a new life as a new person, what was it like and do you regret doing it?”, and an online community didn't hold back with their stories. Tuck into this collection of the wildest.
More info: Reddit
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#1
I moved from oregon to ohio about four years ago without really telling anyone. A lot of people probably assumed I'd disappeared, but really just left suddenly. I did it because I was sick of the way my life was going and didn't really see any light ahead. After taking off and traveling across the country I learned a few things, met a couple awesome people, made some amazing memories. But all in all things were pretty much the same. I realized that I could go wherever I want, but it was always gonna be me that arrived. I think now that the only really to change your life is to change yourself. I know that sounds cliche, but that's what I learned.
UnclePanda 3 weeks ago
You don't have to sit on a mountain to find enlightenment. It's under your buttt wherever you go.
Laserleader 3 weeks ago
If you do change households and find you are a totally different person, then you know it was the environment. Thats how I discovered what I always knew, some people are bad for you and they need to be avoided.
RELATED:
#2
I was always the one that my 'friends' would pick on. Got high grades, so got called the nerd. Had a boyfriend and was labelled. Travelled a bit, suddenly I'm a snob. Wanted to go study something other than education or nursing (the standard fields they all chose), they accuse me of thinking I'm better than I really am. This went on for 9 years. Didn't matter if whatever they picked on me about was something one of them also did, I was the punching bag. Obviously as a young girl stuff like this has an influence on how you see yourself, so by the time we were in our final year in school, I practised my hobbies in secret, didn't really engage in social activities, kept to myself, always scared of what they will think. I internalized everything, it got to a point where I cut myself in secret (that's a story for another day).
Finally while on holiday in the middle of my matric year, I met a group of people (eclectic and weird bunch of hippies, they were awesome) who I hung out with for the three weeks I was away. They were all so different but they fit in so well with each other because they respected the fact that everyone needs to be their own person. That's when I decided I'm done with all the mess, and I'm done with the people.
So I spoke to my parents, told them my plans, and they agreed to let me do it. After school I moved 1500km away from where I grew up. Lived in residence at varsity, studied what I wanted to without the constant negativity. I met my now best friends there, they're wonderful. I know more about who I am now (still learning a lot) and I'm not afraid to be myself anymore. It's so freeing.
I never told anyone there where I went or that I was leaving. It's been 6 years without them and with no contact with anyone from my home town. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. My parents moved from there the same year that I left as well. I've never been happier.
My only regret is that it took me so long to realised how poisonous those people were to my health.
Tabitha 3 weeks ago (edited)
Sometimes when we’re in the middle of living our lives, we just can’t see how bad they are. Even if we do see that, we can’t see a clear way out. Well, until we change something, like deciding to spend some time somewhere else, around people we didn’t know our entire lives. That’s when our eyes finally open, and we are able to step back and allow the way out to become clear. No matter how long it takes to get to that point, the important thing is getting there and getting out of the place, and away from the people, that are dragging you down.
#3
I didn't fake my death to start over, I just moved. Unless you've done something illegal or owe money, just moving across the country will be drastic enough to ensure that 90% of people you'd want to avoid never contact you again.
A few months ago, I moved several states away. The fresh start is awesome, and I'm so much happier now. I have just about everything I've ever wanted here, and I love the fact that I don't have to relive ancient history every time I pass a landmark that reminds me of something.
Just cut ties with whoever is causing you grief, regardless of who they are or what their impact on your life is. Excise the tumor, and then pick up and go. Don't ever let them back in, either...because cancer spreads.
EDIT: Wow, this blew up overnight. I'm more than happy to answer any questions that anybody has. And also, thank ye kindly strangers for the gold.
Ever felt like your life is stuck on repeat, and you just need to vanish? People leave jobs, cities, even entire identities, to reclaim their freedom. Whether escaping toxic relationships or recovering from a trauma, “disappearing” can feel as much a survival tactic as a profound pivot. It’s about reclaiming control when everything feels hopeless.
One big reason folks go off-grid is emotional burnout. When families, relationships or careers trap them, vanishing can feel like pressing the reset button. They lock the door, leave the key with no forwarding address, and disappear into anonymity. Sometimes they just go to another state, others they go all the way and become someone else.
#4
Faked a big move and cut ties with family and friends. I live about 20miles from my old home and kept my job. It has been 2 years and my anonymity remains intact. Happy life without the drama. Still keep in contact with my little brother, but that's it. Everybody thinks I now live in Russia.
Edit: details.
#5
I dropped everything and left without telling anyone where I was going. I hardly packed anything, just grabbed what I needed and left the state. I go by a different name now and I have no regrets. I was in a terrible place and now I'm so much happier.
I think the only difficult thing is how to figure out who I am now. I spent so much time living for the people around me that I didn't even know who I was. Do I even really like to bowl? Is this really how I want to dress? But I get to re-learn and re-explore myself slowly and it's a wonderful journey.
Maren Villadsen 3 weeks ago
I didnt change my name. But I changed adresse (a secret on, so you can't look it up anywhere) changed phone number and email. I'm so happy now. Two dogs and Great friends, I feel like I really belong here.
#6
My story is definitely less extreme than some on here, but it is probably more realistic for those of you considering a big change. And I didn't have to completely restart my life.
I got married about 15 years ago, and was on track for medical school. We were excited about our prospects but we wanted our lives to be an adventure. The expectation was that we would move to Boston and work 80 hours a week. It would have given us both strong careers, but...
So I went to medical school in Ireland. She got a job in Dublin. I worked hard through medical school, but our weekends were in Paris, Rome, Budapest, Istanbul, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Venice, Porto, Tunis, Athens, Oslo, Berlin, and so many more. We could NEVER have afforded even two of these trips from the States, but from Dublin they were dirt cheap. Our target airfare was £15 each way.
We lost a lot of friends in those 6 years but not the good ones. And it was an adventure.
Then there’s the “running from debt or danger” crowd. Whether fleeing bad luck or bad people, creating distance often buys time. Arthur Jones, a Chicago trader, went missing in 1979, leaving behind three kids and a wife. He was eventually declared legally departed but, in 2011, was found living in Las Vegas under a fake name. Jones allegedly had ties to the mafia, which might be the reason he went underground.
Some vanishings are legal and bare-bones: changing your first name, buying a one-way ticket, sleeping in an Airbnb for a week. Others are extreme; think faked passings, forged documents, and hundreds of hours in bus terminals. The practicality depends on budget, tech savviness and willingness to abandon your old relationships.
#7
Was with my ex for 3+ years. I don't want to get into details but he was cruel and I didn't know how to get out. So I went to the travel agent booked a one way ticket from Australia to the UK and was gone. Threw my relationship, friends, home-town, belongings, past and job away. Dropped out of uni and moved with about $1800 in my back pocket. Best decision I have ever made. Never looked back, will never go back. Until I had moved I didn't even realize how anxious and depressed I was. How much I was not myself. Thank god I moved! I can't tell you how good it was to wake up in the morning and feel happy, I lived poor and worked hard, but I was happy! I was myself again! No one judging me or making fun of me or telling me that I didn't fit in. Thank you Bristol you saved my life. :) Felt good to vent this!
#8
My experience is more recent. I left about a month ago.
No real responsibilities or debts and meagre savings, packed a bag one night and hit the road the next morning!
Life is good so far. I've met some great people, I've stepped way outside of my comfort zone, I've got a new job and (finally) a place to live, and I've never been happier.
There are people I miss, of course, but I know I'm doing the right thing. It's kind of a scary time in my life right now, but I know I'll be a happier and healthier person in the long run.
#9
Know I'm jumping in a bit late, but this has been pretty much my way of living for the past 10 years.
Every few years I pack up, move countries and start new.
Burner phones, changing emails, and no social network accounts.
I don't really have a reason for it, I just enjoy being a vagabound and seeing places.
I grew up moving country to country as a child, and when I turned 16-17 it just seemed a natural way of living. I've hit around 150 countries so far, and lived in over 20.
I'm still young, and I work in all these places. (surf instructor, running hostels, bartender, teacher, etc.)
ok!
edit:
holy hell, this blew up a bit.
I don't even have internet at where I'm staying right now so I tend to leech it from where I work. I honestly didn't think anybody would even see this. I'll scroll through a bit and answer some questions if I can.
Cheers!
The internet is littered with guides on how to disappear completely, from the first steps of defining your reasons, goals and preparing yourself mentally, to more pragmatic things like erasing your digital footprint, accumulating a cash reserve, applying for a legal name change, and settling into a new location with a low profile.
Before you pull the trigger and vanish, though, understand it’s rarely glamorous. Going off-grid means no easy identity, limited tech, and no digital trail. Most jobs require SSNs, references, and social security accounts. To be honest, society’s built to track you. Big reset? Great story. Real life? Logistically brutal and emotionally isolating.
#10
I don't plan to fake my death or anything, but i am planning a move in the coming weeks. I have a bit of cash saved up and I'm actively seeking employment at the new location. Once I have a few nibbles there I'm buying a one way bus ticket and I'm not looking back. 400 miles away and no former friends or family members to bother me. I'll let you know how it goes.
Edited to add:
For those of you who are curious I have moved. I had about $3500 in the bank to spend. I posted an ad on craigslist, believe it or not, seeking temporary housing and was contacted by a local who agreed to let me stay for a couple of weeks just as long as I paid the agreed on amount up front. Once I had that ironed out after emails and phone calls I packed a bag with the stuff I wanted to take and I walked to the bus station. I went in blind but I knew that if worse came to worse I could find someplace for a couple of days if everything fell through.
My original estimation was incorrect, my new home ended up being 600 miles away from my old home. I arrived, paid my rent for the agreed upon two weeks, and visited four other longer term places for rent.
As of right now I am away from my old life, I have a longer term place to live, my rent has been paid for two more months, and I have a couple of job prospects. I am still unemployed, but the only thing I have to pay for in the coming months is food and I have enough for that.
#11
I moved half way across the world to get away from my bad reputation. It is refreshing and fantastic to have a clean slate, but it is really really challenging. my parents, siblings and best friends are 6,000+ miles away and i had to forge a new life from scratch with no help I was 17 when I did this BTW. One day I hope to move back there to start over again, but as of now it's great.
Tabitha 3 weeks ago (edited)
I moved across the country (US, west coast to east coast) to get away from my s****y parents. This was in 1979 when I was 18. There was o social media back then, so just going NC and paying extra for an unlisted phone number was enough to be left alone. Even now I don’t really have an online presence because I don’t use social media much at all—-and if I do I set it to be private except for a select few trusted friends and other family who also hate my parents. I have NO regrets about leaving home at 18, and being on my own, working full time and running my own household at such a young age. I LOVED the autonomy!!! Especially after the suffocating control my parents exerted over me. Sure, I made mistakes because they never prepared me to live on my own, as I was their only daughter and their intention was that I would not go to college or work anywhere, but would stay at home and be their nursemaid when they got old—-f**k that noise. So, I learned from my mistakes and got stronger and more independent and capable because of it. I had to, because the only person I could 100% count on to help me when I really needed it was ME. I managed to get my college education later in life than most people, but I still got it, and no one else can take any credit for it but me. If the situation is s****y at home, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just leave it behind, go 100% NC with the a******s who tried to drag you down, and start living your own life absolutely free of their dead weight. I have never regretted leaving home at 18 and never looking back. I have had a great life ever since—-and it’s been MY OWN great life.
#12
Detroit --> Ho Chi Minh.
Not really disappeared but gave up my life and moved half way across the world. have only gone back about 2 weeks total in last 5 years. I am from Detroit, so yeah, any change was an improvement. my life in general was totally invigorated from starting anew, leaving my possessions made me less stressed and more into activity than possession, got a great job, and learned a new language fluently. I'm glad i did.
Your social media, cards, and smartphone? All breadcrumbs. Some folks try to get around it with deep anonymity: burner phones, cash-only, minimal visa stamps. Others just “go local”; same name, new city. Even that means missing birthdays, weddings and grandma’s funeral, though. New life, sure. Ghosting family? That’s still gonna cost you.
For some, disappearing doesn’t mean doing it forever. It’s more of a hear-me-out trip, a year with no ties, a mental pause. They test new selves, try new cities, then come back if it all feels right. Others vanish completely, cutting ties, changing continents, letting their old life fade. Either way, the act is radical, and the cost can be high.
#13
Throwaway.
I didn't do any of the ridiculous movie plots you describe. A bit more than seven years ago I got denied from every Ivy League law school I tried for, leading to an existential personal crisis. I did it all right and still failed. After two months working in a kitchen in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico I realized I was going to Law School because I had never actually considered what I *wanted* to do. I took all my savings, a tiny loan from my parents and moved to South America.
After 6 months I got a corporate job (I spoke Spanish already). Then I started a business. The business exploded. I sold the business. I was in Argentina for 3 years, based there while traveling most of Latin America, and Brazil for nearly a year. I mastered Spanish and became fluent in Portuguese. Came back to the USA for a year, taught a little Spanish in a charter school and consulted for a few companies. A year ago I took a job in China, I’m still here.
I’ve made a bunch of money and met a ton of people. I’ve lived with a kind of autonomy and sovereignty over what I do every single day that I could never have imagined as a college student headed for law school. I see possibilities and value so many things that the old me didn’t notice or value. I've had a few beautiful relationships. I’ve been published and paid for writing almost a dozen times now. I’m at complete peace with my career, my life’s trajectory, and money. I no longer see money as a goal but as a means to do what I want to do TODAY. Abandoning the path I was on and going off into the unknown was the best thing I ever did. It is still the primary experience that defines the path that I’m on.
In March-September 2015, I'm filming a travel, surfing, rock climbing, and rural culture documentary with some old friends. My job on the team is 'scout,' I'll be riding a motorcycle ahead of the production crew to scout locations and conduct pre-interviews. When my contract in China ends, I’m taking a year off to travel and write a book that already has a publisher while I wait for the documentary to start.
My parents miss me and I miss them. I've seen my sister 4 times in almost 10 years. I've lost nearly all of my American friendships, although I've managed to retain a handful of the most important ones. I'm 27.
edit: the business was a service to very large companies. I got the idea because I already provided this service on a very small scale to my main employer. no physical product. no stores. it took less than $1000 to start. we didn't even have a website for over a year (to protect from competition finding out). the company was not 'sold'. the company failed when our business license was revoked, a whole other story. what I 'sold' was actually the virtual product and training. and this wasn't some tech start up guys, I didn't sell ask jeeves to google. we charged $300-500 an hour depending, we didn't get much and I only get 55% of that anyways. haha. i'm under NDA and still have a piece of it. rule #1 of business like this: don't tell anyone. I've made less than 10k residually since the 'sale' over two years ago. It's not much.
nottheactualphoto 2 weeks ago
A "tiny loan from my parents" ... I'm not sure all of us regular people would consider it tiny.
#14
For me things are a little different but I guess I will still tell the story.
4 years ago after I finished high school I started to go to college, but then it came financial crisis at my family, Had to leave college, I couldnt get a job (because the country where I live is bad) and then my parents started telling me that I had to work not just to stay, what they didnt know that I was trying so hard to find a job but it was impossible. After a couple of month's a friend of mine who lives in Finland came back home and we talked, he told me why dont you come with me there and have new start, I was like hell yea right away. SO I went to Finland over there my friend had a construction company so I started working immediately, the payment was great I was making good money, I also started getting lessons to learn Finish (man that language is so hard). Thing were looking bright until one night it was Saturday night and we went to this party with some girls and my friend having a nice time, in a moment I lost my friend and one of the girls told me he was outside, when I went outside three guys were beating the him, so I grabbed a bottle of beer and hit one in the head and then starting punching the other one, so the fight stopped we were both fine but little bruised. The police came and took me to the station, since I still wasn't a Finnish resident they send me back home and not allowing me to enter their country for 5 years.
#15
I'm not a person who changed my life, but I have a uncle who did this who I never met.
I'm Latino, so I learned my uncle was disgusted at being from a Latino family. He hated his heritage, the Spanish language, and I believe he never liked my family. His name was Angelo, but he changed it legally to Angel and his last name too was something more European sounding than his Latino last name.
Even before I was born, I learned that he moved somewhere to Florida, closed a communications with my family, and as far as I know owns a small business out there.
That's as far as I know about him. It's weird to know that he did all that based off of being disgraced at his heritage. Then again there can be details about him I, as well as my family, don't know.
At the end of the day, the idea of disappearing to start a new life might seem thrilling, but behind that glamour are hidden fees: identity-tax, loneliness, and legal thorns. It’s not just packing a duffel bag and flying off to a clean slate; it’s about accepting you’ll never see home again. And for many, that’s the final, and real, deal.
What do you think of the ways the folks in this list reinvented their lives? Have you ever considered doing the same, or something like it? Upvote your faves and feel free to leave a comment if the urge grabs you!
#16
This gave me a temporary fresh start, though I don't recommend it to most.
When I was much younger, I ran away to New York City. It was on my bucket list and I decided I didn't have much else to live for. So I left home with $80 and a plane ticket; a few hours later I found myself on Fulton street. I met random, previously unknown students to room with at Pace University, and got a job the next day 20 blocks away at Energy Smoothie. It was an enlightening time, if not reckless. I mostly remember the kindness of the people I met- Felix, the cop who gave me $10 to eat for a day. Johnny, the garage operator who talked with me for an hour when I was lonely. The woman with a batman belt who gave me an under-the-table job, even though I was under qualified and underage. In NYC, my faith in innate human kindness was restored, as was my hope to continue.
TL;DR I ran away to NYC and found new life.
#17
Everything went wrong where I was living.. I eventually got evicted and moved in with my boyfriend. He was a man that seriously made me feel crazy. Made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough or there was just things plain flat our wrong with ME. I was able to get away and move to a different freaking continent haha. It's been amazing. I've been back and forth between europe and the states, but I wouldn't regret anything. I had some rough goings for a while, but things picked up. Things can still get kidn of hard for me here, but all I know is that I'm loving myself.
#18
New life only, same name no death!
As a member of a close circle of friends, I made a mistake or two and created a big drama.
It all came to a head one day and it was one of those situations where it was best to "lay low" for a week or two.
Time began to pass and I watched as I was deleted one by one from MSN (which was popular at the time) and Facebook. I could tell those that were hesitating. I wasn't brave enough to message anyone proactively because I knew my name was dirt.
In the end I went nuclear and deleted my social profiles to save death by a thousand cuts. In tandem I moved away and never saw any of them again.
I have found it to be very difficult. This was 5 years ago now and I still think about each of them every day. Even in my dreams. They were good friends and I remember them all fondly. The drama happened during a natural transition in life; that being from party years into more mature, later years.
At first I made a few new connections (through work) with younger people, but I realised I was trying to be something I wasn't and people can sniff that out. Plus I didn't want that younger lifestyle anymore.
I tried online dating only to realise I'd lost my one true love in the first place during "the big split".
Through very loose connections I hear about weddings I would have been invited to, the babies being born. I've missed out on a lot. I thought by sticking my head in the sand and pretending they didn't exist anymore it would be easy to quit. In my experience it's a really tough thing to do. Perhaps stating the obvious with hindsight.
No way can I go back and I don't want to either, but if I could turn back the clock I would.
In summary I would say I wish I'd been brave enough to weather the storm instead of taking the easy option in running away, because I'd want to be sharing in their lives today and them in mine.
#19
It wasn't as monumental as most posts in this thread, but I moved cities 4 years into college. I was very much involved with a girl while I was in University. We had been dating since High School, had moved in together and become engaged during my 4th year (my education program was a 5 1/2 yr plan). At first, I thought co-habitation was a great idea, but then, as we lived together, I became more and more terrified that the woman I had engaged myself with was a different person than I had thought. We were three years dating, and I learned so much about her after moving in with her and getting engaged that it felt like I was living with a stranger.
Let me go deeper as to explain my reasoning. When we were first dating, This girl seemed to have alot of ambition. She wanted to be a civil engineer, almost perfect (4.0?) GPA through the end of high school. She had no addictions to speak of, a sister 4 years younger, and two lovingly involved, yet not entirely helicopter parents. When we moved in together things. . . changed. The first flag was when I came home from a lab in the evening, and there were about 10 people over lighting up in the living room. I didn't know any of them. It was a big what the f**k moment, because she didn't (to my knowledge) smoke, and we knew all of eachothers' friends. apparently not on both counts?
We had an agreed upon system in place where we would split the costs on rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Keep reciepts and track expenses, so I could practice bookkeeping, because I thought it might be good practice for my Accounting degree. In the end, though, she was 6 months behind on rent, and rarely if ever paid for groceries. Somehow, though, she still managed to put on an extra 25 lbs. She was being unhealthy, and there was something that seemed seriously wrong. When I would bring it up, she would just erupt in anger, even going as far to put a lamp through the wall (goodbye security deposit). She refused to work, leaving me with the bulk of Anyways, I decided I'd had enough.
We were finishing up our spring semester. We had not yet signed a lease for the new year, that would come at the beginning of fall, and we were planning on taking summer classes, as to get closer to graduation. Part of my particular accounting program was to secure an internship over one or more of the summers. It was about the time that I decided that we would need to break this off that I heard from one of the firms I interviewed with that I got an offer. I contacted a university in a city between 8-10 hrs away that had a reputable program, and got my transfer into their grad program ready. It would also be the city where I accepted my internship. So, as final exams are going on, whenever she is out of the apartment, be it at class or studying or getting drunk, whatever she did when I couldn't get ahold of her, I was methodically and meticulously organizing, consolidating, and preparing all of my assets that would be coming with. I had boxes stowed, ready to open and pack.
When the day came, she had an 8 o'clock exam. I was up at 6:30, made a pot of coffee and ate a cold breakfast. As she pulled out of the apartment lot, 2 of my buddies pulled around the corner, and we had my car loaded in about 15 minutes. I said my quick goodbyes, and considered leaving a note before saying "I'm burning daylight" and heading out. When I got there, I settled in, and had my first name changed. My last name is a pretty common one, and I wasn't running from my family.
Kim, if you are out there reading this, I'm sorry for how I did what I did, but I am not sorry for leaving. You changed, and much of it for the worst. In the end it was for the best. Hopefully you learned as much from it as I did. Take care and have a nice life.
#20
I didn't set out to disappear, and indeed, still have contact with one or two people from a life and lifestyle I left behind. After the breakup of a long term relationship, I decided I had had enough of living where I was living and doing what I was doing. So I moved to a different city. Most of my previous friends remained friends with my ex and I felt a bit betrayed by that, considering he cheated on me etc. So I didn't keep up contact with 99% of them. Some didn't even realise I had gone so it was no loss. My family knew where I was, but we have never really been close knit, so phone calls and visits dropped to about twice a year.
Starting a new life was awesome, I was able to focus on myself and figure out who I was, I had adventures and made friends who liked me for me and not for who I was in a relationship with. My name changed slightly - somehow my new friends prefered calling me by an abbreviated version of my name and it stuck. Even I introduce myself as that now.
Years later I kind of did it again, but this time for love. I met a man on the internet and fell in love and moved to the other side of the world to marry him. I didn't 'disappear' that time though. Everyone knew where i was :).
#21
My fiance and I grew up in the same hometown and went to the same high school. He was really ridiculously popular and so was his sister, who was in my grade, and I wasn't. I was the girl raised in a barn, basically. But I had a huge crush on him and his sister and all her friends made fun of me and made my life hell. So after he got back from the Marines we started dating (much to their dismay) and they were amazed that I turned into this "gorgeous freak" after HS (their words) and we moved in together like right away because I was the girl raised in a barn and he wanted to give me a better life than that. So here we are, 3.5 hours away and 3 1/2 years later, engaged, with a guinea pig (so it's real serious) and his sister's friends are so pissed that I got "their man". Neither of us have Facebook and I only keep in touch with a friend from Massachusetts and he only keeps in touch with his Aunt and a few select friends of his who like me too. Nobody knows a thing about me.
#22
What was it like? You can't escape your personality. Where ever you move, you are still the same person with the same habits, you will attract or repel the same people.
While this can be changed by actively wanting too, a simple location change will not do it.
Source: just moved 3000kms / 1700miles for a fresh start.
SchadenFreudian Psychology 3 weeks ago
It’s true that you are still the same person, and you bring yourself wherever you go. BUT it’s possible that the place where you live just doesn’t fit you very well. I never have felt like I really fit in where I live. I dream of living in a place where people are more like me, and the general atmosphere of the place is more comfortable.
#23
I didn't fake my death or officially get a new identity, but I disappeared from my life 2 years ago. I started going by my first-middle name and I got the hell out of an 8-year long horrible relationship. I went into a shelter, joined an "Address Confidentiality Program" and only moved about 3 hours away and I've been MIA with my kid ever since. I am close with my family and a few childhood friends but my life from those 8 years is completely dead. My kid's donor and his entire family haven't seen or heard from us since. I am in therapy and I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of those 8 years of hell. I often worry that he's found us but he's in jail now so I'm doing a lot better. I'm still waiting for him to be formally charged and sentenced from a slew of charges from the last incident. My life is much better now. I just started working a few weeks ago. Finally, things are starting to fall into place.
#24
Throwaway account. I started a new life almost a decade ago. I grew up in a family that wasn't very close. There wasn't really mistreatment but there wasn't really love either. I was pretty unhappy. After high school, I was so lost. I didn't have any friends and I sunk into a depression. I had always known that I was gay but it was then that I realized that I was transgendered. My parents were very judgmental and we weren't close at all so I knew I could never tell them, and could never live the kind of life I knew would finally make me happy. I daydreamed about faking my death and starting over all the time until I finally reached a point where I knew I had to do it. The morning of the day I did it, I walked around my house one last time looking at everything, pet my cat that I'd had for as long as I could remember one last time, and saw my parents for the last time, and told them goodbye as I left that day. I don't want to go into details about how I faked my death but I did it in a way that there didn't need a body to be found. All I had was an envelope full of money and a photo I knew no one would know was missing. I travelled to the closest big city and stayed with someone I had talked to online while I got on my feet. There were a couple quick news reports about the incident but none of them showed my photo. I got all new fake ID and everything. A year after getting a job and my own place, I started HRT therapy. I've been on it for 7 years. I'm a lot happier than I used to be in some ways but I'm still unhappy in other ways. For the first couple of years I didn't feel bad about starting over and what my parents would think, but I started to and it's been getting worse ever since. One day I was walking to work and I walked past my parents on the street. They must've been visiting for some reason. It really shook me up and I called in sick for the day. It was surreal to see them again. They had aged so much. It made me wonder what they must've thought about me, if they missed me, what they were doing now. I realized I did love them in some way. I walked right past them and they didn't even see me. That hurt too, as weird as it sounds. Sometimes I think about just ending my life because everything is just so messed up.
#25
I'm Bipolar I. I've travelled all over the country trying to re-invent myself multiple times.
What I can tell you is that in my experience, while each and every individual action I still firmly believe was the correct strategic decision, and it brought me to where I am now, where I have ended up is at making peace with my circumstances and my family.
It took a long time, and several such events (and returns from them), before I built a strong enough identity and personality that I no longer felt external emotional pressure weigh on me. Once I got to a point where I knew what was important to me, and I knew what I was willing to do for it, and what I wasn't, I didn't have to move away anymore. I could make a new life in the same place any time I wanted.
I tackled the relationship problems that plagued my life. Some people, I just had to let go completely. Others, I have very, very methodically educated and repaired relationships with (my father, in particular). I never thought that I would make peace with my father, nor that he would ever be a person worth being around. A***e had happened, and I had every reason to expect it to continue indefinitely. Eventually, cirumstances allowed for me to stand my ground and draw a firm line in the sand that absolutely cannot be crossed under any circumstances without severe ramifications. My father knows that I have absolutely no tolerance for hostility of any kind. I just don't allow negativity in my life. I punish it visciously with logic. That, and I practiced Muay Thai and Jiu-Jitsu for a while, which grants me the confidence that he will absolutely never be able to physically control me.
And now we honestly have a great relationship. We're friends. We talk about everything, and we're smiling the whole time. I'm still always waiting for him to snap, but it hasn't happened in a long time.
It worked out for me that I was able to build a new life in a new place, but with a few of the same old people. I know this doesn't work for every situation, but I would encourage anyone looking to re-invent themselves to consider that things like names and friends aren't actually part of your internal identity; the strategies you employ to respond to the world around you are the best definition of your identity. They are simple, they are algorithms, they can be learned, and they can be improved.
What do you think ?
Firefly 3 weeks ago
As someone who had an aunt disappear, it can have a devasting effect on the ones left behind. I'm sure there are ones that have to disappear for safety reasons, but my aunt was a mother who just got tired of the day to day routine. She left everyone and didn't say a word. For years, my grandmother especially, but all the family, desperately looked for her. We all assumed she had been k****d. My grandmother even tried to get her case on Unsolved Mysteries. After 15 years, she showed up and was like, "Yeah, I just needed a break." Leave a note indicating you're voluntarily leaving. Let your family know occasionally you're still alive. If you don't want them to find you, that's fine. But don't leave them thinking the worst.
Kelly Scott 3 weeks ago (edited)
When I moved, people knew where I was. But it seemed like all the contact was one way. I'd contact them, no one would contact me, not my parents, my brothers, my friends. My parents are now dead, one of my best friends has died and her partner only contacted me to let me know when the funeral was (I couldn't attend), and I'm estranged from my brothers. I don't think I'd be that hard to find, but it would take an effort, an effort I know nobody is going to make. All I'd have to do at this point is delete one email address and change my phone number and basically, I'm gone, vanished. And I'm not that upset about it. What do you suppose that says about me or the people who called themselves my friends once?
Pedantic Panda 2 weeks ago
It says nothing about you and all about the others. Been in this situation more than once myself. Move on and meet better people. Repeat if necessary.
Load More Replies... UnclePanda 3 weeks ago
Eremition ~ gradually withdrawing from the lives of others to seek solitude and renewal. it is often associated with a desire for personal reflection and peace.
Firefly 3 weeks ago
As someone who had an aunt disappear, it can have a devasting effect on the ones left behind. I'm sure there are ones that have to disappear for safety reasons, but my aunt was a mother who just got tired of the day to day routine. She left everyone and didn't say a word. For years, my grandmother especially, but all the family, desperately looked for her. We all assumed she had been k****d. My grandmother even tried to get her case on Unsolved Mysteries. After 15 years, she showed up and was like, "Yeah, I just needed a break." Leave a note indicating you're voluntarily leaving. Let your family know occasionally you're still alive. If you don't want them to find you, that's fine. But don't leave them thinking the worst.
Kelly Scott 3 weeks ago (edited)
When I moved, people knew where I was. But it seemed like all the contact was one way. I'd contact them, no one would contact me, not my parents, my brothers, my friends. My parents are now dead, one of my best friends has died and her partner only contacted me to let me know when the funeral was (I couldn't attend), and I'm estranged from my brothers. I don't think I'd be that hard to find, but it would take an effort, an effort I know nobody is going to make. All I'd have to do at this point is delete one email address and change my phone number and basically, I'm gone, vanished. And I'm not that upset about it. What do you suppose that says about me or the people who called themselves my friends once?
Pedantic Panda 2 weeks ago
It says nothing about you and all about the others. Been in this situation more than once myself. Move on and meet better people. Repeat if necessary.
Load More Replies... UnclePanda 3 weeks ago
Eremition ~ gradually withdrawing from the lives of others to seek solitude and renewal. it is often associated with a desire for personal reflection and peace.
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