Hey Pandas, Am I Asking Too Much By Wanting Help And Kindness?

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I am a woman in my 40s, and I work from home. My job does offer me flexibility. My husband is a store manager who typically puts in 50 hours a week, and occasionally more as needed. However, he feels that since he works outside the home and I work inside the home, he doesn’t need to help with anything.

I have a 21-year-old son who lives with us. He does anything and everything I ask to help out. He’s currently not working, but he is actively searching. Because of his age and lack of experience, a lot of employers don’t want to hire him, which I believe is a big mistake. He’s not already set in his ways; he’s teachable and trainable for various job positions. Despite this, my husband never lifts a finger.

I feel that even though my son doesn’t work, he contributes to the household

Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)

I still do pretty much everything — bills, food shopping, etc. However, my husband’s opinion is that he doesn’t need to lift a finger in this household because my son is not currently working, and I work from home.

If I ask him to take out the trash, it turns into a huge argument: “Why should I do it? Ask your son.” He won’t load or unload the dishwasher. I fold his clothes and put them in a basket, and he rifles through it like it’s a dresser drawer, then leaves it where it is. Later, he yells at me because he can’t find his clothes.

I have had issues with drinking — it has gotten better over the years

Image credits: Beth Macdonald (not the actual photo)

I am by no means a saint, but I’ve maintained my employment for 10 years. While he was away assisting family members, we were renting. Three years later, when he came back, I had bought a house. I had a car for myself and one waiting for him.

Yet I am constantly told that I am worthless and useless — that I’m nothing but a “f****** drunk.” I don’t have friends because, according to him, I don’t deserve them. He speaks to me in horrible ways. I’ve been told I don’t deserve his heart and that he will give it to everyone else but me. I’ve been told that I am pathetic and lazy, that all I do is “sit on my ass and push buttons on a computer.”

I love this man. We’ve been together for 20 years — ups and downs

Image credits: Thomas Curryer (not the actual photo)

We both had very traumatic childhoods. I’m told I need to earn respect and love.

As I said, I am no angel. I’ve had a serious issue with alcohol. It was a big problem, and although I’ve improved, I know I’ll never be fully cured. But no matter what, I believe that if you live in a house, just because one person doesn’t have a job and another works from home does not make them your servants. Everyone should contribute to the household beyond just a paycheck.

I’m not trying to be difficult, but is it really that hard to put away the clothes that were washed and folded for you?

Image credits: Sarah Brown (not the actual photo)

Is it that hard to unload the dishwasher once in a while? Do you really have to scream at me because I had a long, rough day and had two or three drinks? I don’t go to bars. I buy small bottles and drink them at home, two or three times a week. I used to get blackout drunk. Now, I limit myself to two or three drinks. Again, I’m not perfect, but I’ve changed.

Meanwhile, he goes out to bars, spends way more money, never invites me, ignores my calls, and sometimes doesn’t come home until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. — even though the bars close at 2:00. His excuse? “I was sleeping in the parking lot.” Then he comes home and tells me that I’m the alcoholic, that I’m an ungrateful, pathetic piece of s*** who should be honored that he even notices me.

He shows more love and compassion to his coworkers and acquaintances than he does to anyone in this house.

How do you deal with a partner who refuses to contribute emotionally or physically to the household? Am I being unreasonable for wanting help around the house even though I work from home?

Expert’s Advice

When one partner consistently devalues, ignores, or belittles the other, it’s not a communication issue — it’s an imbalance of respect and emotional safety. You are not asking too much by wanting shared responsibilities, kindness, or to be spoken to with basic human decency. Start by validating your own feelings: your exhaustion, hurt, and need for support are real and important. If a partner refuses to change or take responsibility, you have every right to set boundaries — and to seek peace, not permission.

Moderator’s note

Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.

If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.

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