Woman Shocked By Parents’ Reaction To Her Tattoo, Internet Says It’s Time For Serious Boundaries
Some parents never really accept the simple fact that once their kids are adults, they need to be able to live their own lives. After all, most children count the days towards “independence” and are unlikely to give any of it up once they reach maturity. So some parents employ underhanded schemes to get their adult children to do what they want.
A woman vented online about her immature and manipulative parents who threw a tantrum and skipped a family BBQ over her getting a tattoo. We reached out to the woman in the story via private message and will update the article when she gets back to us.
Most of us have done something our parents would not approve of
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
But one woman ended up being stressed and anxious when her parents threw a fit over her having a tattoo
Image credits: Askar Abayev / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
She later added some more thoughts
Image credits: ProfessorPizza
Abusers find ways to trick their victims into staying
For those who are curious, “DARVO,” as referenced by the woman in her update as well as some of the comments, stands for “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.” In short, this is a strategy used, generally, by abusive partners to “remove” blame from themselves and shift it towards the victim.
While in this story, it’s not an abusive partner and the actual abuse might not need law enforcement intervention, it’s quite telling just how well it covers the parent’s behavior. They refuse to communicate, constantly gaslight their daughter into thinking things are ok, while also making sure to ruin her day. They seem to truly think they are allowed to control their adult daughter and are willing to hurt her when they feel like it.
After all, keeping her in limbo is undoubtedly something that they know makes her deeply anxious. Instead of being good parents and doing their best to prevent any unnecessary worries, they instead are trying to maximize the mental stress they inflict. For example, they don’t share plans, strategically ignore calls and texts while constantly saying platitudes like “I love you more than anything!”
Image credits: Mental Health America (MHA) / pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s not enough to say you love someone, you have to show it
Love isn’t just words, it has to contain acts as well. It’s already absurd enough that these parents have such a strong opinion about, of all things, tattoos, that they are perfectly willing to make it get in the way of any relationship with their own child, who is a thirty four year old independent adult.
Indeed, just the fact that they are so insistent on controlling not only her life but her literal body should be all the evidence needed to cut ties immediately. It can be hard to face the fact that one’s family are not good people, but ultimately, in situations like this, it’s best to not waste time and energy with folks who go out of their way to hurt you. This is why many people disown their own parents as soon as the opportunity arises.
Image credits: Анастасия Триббиани / pexels (not the actual photo)
Parents are not entitled to control their adult children
It’s not entirely clear why the parents are so controlling. Perhaps they are the classic helicopter parents who don’t know how to stop. Or they are just narcissists and can’t stand not having their way, even if it’s not their life at all. The way they specifically act in ways to hurt their daughter would indicate the latter. One clear sign is their utter inflexibility. For example, it’s not that uncommon for older generations to dislike tattoos. However, they hold this position so strongly that they are willing to cancel events over it and gaslight their own daughter.
Similarly, they are pretty happy to keep her in the dark for the entire time, just so she keeps engaging with them, texting, calling, worrying. The controlling part is also a key indicator of narcissism. Generally, narcissists are obsessed with themselves, but parents of this kind often see their kids as an extension of themselves. The result is that in their warped minds, the children now also need to conform to whatever belief system they have.
Last, but not least, the woman’s behavior also matches that of a child of a narcissist. She seems attached to them, despite the way they treat her. Indeed, it would appear that until netizens did their best to help her, she was unaware that her parents were acting strange in the first place. The fact that her parents seem to be aware of just how much stress they are causing is reason enough for her to truly consider if she even wants them in her life, let alone at a BBQ.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Other readers expressed their support and offered her some advice
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Parents are upset because they can’t control the life of their 34 year old adult daughter.
And decided to resort to manipulative arm twisting. Let them stew in their own juices. They obviously can't deal with "radio silence" since the dad keeps dropping the bread crumbs to keep the convo going. I'd give them a month or two to collect themselves and reflect on the fact that their input is not necessary.
Load More Replies...She needs to calm down. Why the hell did she keep calling and texting them?? It doesn't matter what they think. Talk about a pathological need for acceptance. She worked herself in to a frenzy for no reason. Maybe therapy will help?
I got my tattoo in my late 30's, a simple moon and stars motif. Fast forward to Thanksgiving where my pentacostal brother sees it and demands to know what it's supposed to mean, and I said "it means I like Proctor and Gamble products" and he just walked away. (note: the P&G company has had a moon and stars logo for decades but some xtians decided that meant they were satanic)
Got mine @ 45 years old, to celebrate being cancer -free.
Load More Replies...Are they upset because it's a tattoo, or are they upset because of religious reasons? If they're acting pissy because of some stupid Levitticusesque issue, they can take a flying leap. No one has time for that dumb religious c**p anymore
As one of the comments said, they're entitled to feel however they want about tattoos. If they believe that God doesn't want people to have tattoos, they have the right to feel that way. What they don't have to right to do is use their feelings to control someone else's personal choices.
Load More Replies...So it's ridiculous that the parents are this upset, BUT stop badgering them. Let them work through it and realise that they are being ridiculous. They want to throw a tantrum away from the family - good! Better than being awful at the BBQ. They didn't ask OP to stay home, they just made what seems like nice plans. Let them go feel their big feelings and come back more rational. This looks like discretion is the better part of valor. Let them be discreet. By hounding then you're making everything worse. Give them the chance to put themselves in time out for a while. If they don't come back, and are still awful, deal with that then.
I got my first tat in my early 20s and my mom found out about six months later. It's right above my navel and she saw it when I was changing my shirt. I got the full first-middle-last name treatment, followed by an up-close inspection. The final verdict? "Only MY DAUGHTER would think to get a book tattoo" and an eye roll. lol
Sounds like your mom had to air her shock just a wee bit, then saw the individual and endearing quirk. Happy reading!
Load More Replies...Not sure, but from the description maybe dad isn't as committed to the whole "I hate tattoos!!!1!" thing, but has to go along to get along.
My parents certainly dislike tattoos. And it was a funny moment went my dad caught sight of my new shoulder/arm tattoo of a wisteria vine twirling down. Yes, they voice their "I really wish you didn't do that" but once I remind them I am grown and use my own money for how I decorate myself, they let it go and move on. And if not, whatever.
Some of the kindest people I've met on the round rock have tattoos. Her parents need to grow up, and start talking to people, find who they are inside, not judge the outside. And as a Christian, I love a line I remember...our names are written on Gods hands...the ultimate tattoo
I can't stand parents like this. You are an adult! An individual. Not an extension of them either. You have a say in how you live.They don't. You paid for your tattoo. They didn't have to. It's your body that it's on not theirs. As far as your man,if they don't like him it's their loss. If he treats you right and makes you happy that's good enough. I went through this same bs. I have numerous tattoos. They hate them. I told them I paid for them and they didn't have to wear them. I know that they have certain issues with my man as well but currently guess who has been the 1st one to step up when my mom broke her leg despite her originally not wanting him in her house? HIM! He helped her up from the fall, because I am disabled and can't drive he took her immediately to get it looked at. Has stayed with myself and her to help her,lift her, take her anywhere she needs to go. Such a horrible bf. He may not meet her standards but he stepped up. Parents need to learn that they have no control of their children once they are of age. Your parents were messed up to play mind games. Id take a break from them and their drama for a while. Cut them off for a bit. As far as you... You need to quit worrying about having their approval. They messed you up because they have been doing this for a long time. Not just this situation. As I said take a break from them
I have five tattoos, and both of my daughters have several. The younger daughter (35) is covered in them. I always told my kids that they could do what they wanted to their own bodies. Both girls know that I'm not too fond of face or neck tattoos, but that didn't stop the younger one from getting them, and it didn't change the way I treat her.
That’s the way, girl! Break the mental iron choke hold they have on you, see the control and manipulation for what it is and let them have their tantrum away from your person and out of your mind. I know how grotesquely hard it is to break a cycle that’s been brainwashed in since early childhood - you have actual physical synapses reacting to it at this point - but it’s the only way to freedom. I hope OP manages to break all the way free; some never do. The death grip of emotional puppeteering from earliest memories is just so unimaginably strong. I’ve seen people end themselves because they realized they could not break free (I work in mental health), it seems so benign from the outside but this stuff is no joke friends and neighbours. If one hasn’t experienced such life long control methods, one simply cannot imagine. I cross my fingers for her and hope she remains strong. **DO NOT** play the game.
Took me up until my 30s to realize my parents act like that sometimes too. What opened my eyes and turned out to be a simple yet very effective solution was what my therapist said: "You don't have to play their game by their rules". Because that's what it is - they play you and force you to do what they want (worry, explain yourself, appease them etc.), completely ignoring any input from you that doesn't fit the rules they set. Well, I never agreed to those rules. Heck, I never even agreed to play the game! So now when they're trying to make me feel bad about myself and/or do what they want, they get a shrug and not a single sentence of me trying to justify myself to them. And they're slowly learning where the boundaries are.
NTA. For however long they decide to be LC with you, when they want to see their grandchild, make them wait as long. Anytime they grief you over a choice you made, that only affects you, about your body, leave, or make them leave. Don't even explain why.
I disagree. They were upset, didn't want to confront the situation just yet - they needed space. She HOUNDED them, wouldn't drop it, and forced them into a conversation that they weren't ready for. She got the reaction she wanted. The parents should have just ignored the tattoo - that probably would have driven her crazy.
If they had a problem with it then they should have just said so instead of being all cryptic. 1 quick text saying we have a problem with you getting a tattoo and need time to process would have changed the whole situation
Load More Replies...Some parents just can't let their children live their own lives... She can grey rock them and let them seek HER validation now. If they decide they don't want to see her , that is their choice. What the heck does a tattoo matter? Shes 34 for pete's sake!
They're acting like OP got "666" or "I love punting 12 week fetuses" tattooed on her forehead! Seven hells, it's just a tattoo! I would go LC or NC with these horrible people lest they warp that poor 4 y/o's mind
"I love punting 12 week fetuses" is actually my next planned tattoo 🥰
Load More Replies...I was absolutely horrified that my mom got a tattoo on her shoulder (butterfly) when I was 16!!!! She wore a halter top to my Sr picnic and so my mom was "That Mom" I continued to be horrified for quite some time!!! Then one day I realized my Mom was 32 yo, widowed with 3 teenagers!!! She was more than entitled!!! Nowadays I'm the mom with 2(19f) 1(20m) and one of my daughters celebrated her 19th with a tattoo... Tui &La Yin/Yang which is not always visible. It's fine!! She's talking me into getting one.... and I might!!! It's no one's business either way!!!!
before we got married i made it very clear to my husband i wanted tattoos (full sleeves eventually) . we had all those important talks. now that i have one he says im not allowed to get another. i aready have one planned out and will get it once i have the money saved up. funny that he seems to think i am asking for permission
My mom signed for me to get my first tattoo at 15 y/o. I definitely could’ve made a better choice in tattoo though
NTA. If it wasn't the tattoo, it would have been something just as "dramatic," like pierced ears or a crew cut. OP's parents are just narcissists in sheep's clothing. She should just give them what they give her--the silent treatment, and plenty of it. Don't immediately respond to calls and texts; wait at least a week. Even leave them on read once in a while. If they say they're going to drop by, don't acknowledge it, but prepare to be absent when they show up. The loss of control will drive them out of their everloving minds, and it will be an absolute delight to watch from a front-row seat.
I can’t agree with this analysis in full. Yes it’s hurtful that her parents would react this way. And also- adult kids forget that their parents are also people in their own right. They are allowed to have reactions and to dislike something themselves. They are not just your parents. They have feelings, hurts, values of their own and they are not accountable to always agree with you as an adult. Why did she keep texting and calling? She is engaging in their overly involved behavior as well. And I understand abuse. But you are 34. Supposedly an adult yet you still want constant validation of your choices by your parents. They have a place and desires in life that are not just about being your parent, sorry. I am am familiar with Darvo. Your parents being upset is not Darvo.
I can’t agree that this example alone is abusive. Adult kids forget that their parents are people with their own thoughts and feelings. They are allowed to be upset about something and to deal with it with distance. It does sound like an unhealthy relationship but on both sides. At 34 you are not a child in need of constant validation. I find at this age, we tend to still think our parents are only about us when really they are allowed to have their own deal going on. Leave them alone and stop harassing them because you don’t agree with their disagreement. Time to grow up.
Mostly I'm very much against the idea of tattoos, especially the huge amount of just blue ink most people have, but my father had one and my son has one too. Both for very good reasons I am happy to support. I remember from training for Tactical Questioning (i.e. the nearest the army can come to torturing potential recruits as part of the special forces recruitment process) how each tattoo give the questioner information about you, which can and will be used against you. But the bottom line is that it is the OP's body and her choice to have tattoos or not (though figures I have seen show that most people regret them later in life). Her parents don't get a vote (assuming she's an adult and capable of consenting to the tattoo too).
Just as a heads up the "blue ink tattoos" are actually black. Caucasian skin however steals some of the pigment and it looks blue after a little bit of time.
Load More Replies...Parents are upset because they can’t control the life of their 34 year old adult daughter.
And decided to resort to manipulative arm twisting. Let them stew in their own juices. They obviously can't deal with "radio silence" since the dad keeps dropping the bread crumbs to keep the convo going. I'd give them a month or two to collect themselves and reflect on the fact that their input is not necessary.
Load More Replies...She needs to calm down. Why the hell did she keep calling and texting them?? It doesn't matter what they think. Talk about a pathological need for acceptance. She worked herself in to a frenzy for no reason. Maybe therapy will help?
I got my tattoo in my late 30's, a simple moon and stars motif. Fast forward to Thanksgiving where my pentacostal brother sees it and demands to know what it's supposed to mean, and I said "it means I like Proctor and Gamble products" and he just walked away. (note: the P&G company has had a moon and stars logo for decades but some xtians decided that meant they were satanic)
Got mine @ 45 years old, to celebrate being cancer -free.
Load More Replies...Are they upset because it's a tattoo, or are they upset because of religious reasons? If they're acting pissy because of some stupid Levitticusesque issue, they can take a flying leap. No one has time for that dumb religious c**p anymore
As one of the comments said, they're entitled to feel however they want about tattoos. If they believe that God doesn't want people to have tattoos, they have the right to feel that way. What they don't have to right to do is use their feelings to control someone else's personal choices.
Load More Replies...So it's ridiculous that the parents are this upset, BUT stop badgering them. Let them work through it and realise that they are being ridiculous. They want to throw a tantrum away from the family - good! Better than being awful at the BBQ. They didn't ask OP to stay home, they just made what seems like nice plans. Let them go feel their big feelings and come back more rational. This looks like discretion is the better part of valor. Let them be discreet. By hounding then you're making everything worse. Give them the chance to put themselves in time out for a while. If they don't come back, and are still awful, deal with that then.
I got my first tat in my early 20s and my mom found out about six months later. It's right above my navel and she saw it when I was changing my shirt. I got the full first-middle-last name treatment, followed by an up-close inspection. The final verdict? "Only MY DAUGHTER would think to get a book tattoo" and an eye roll. lol
Sounds like your mom had to air her shock just a wee bit, then saw the individual and endearing quirk. Happy reading!
Load More Replies...Not sure, but from the description maybe dad isn't as committed to the whole "I hate tattoos!!!1!" thing, but has to go along to get along.
My parents certainly dislike tattoos. And it was a funny moment went my dad caught sight of my new shoulder/arm tattoo of a wisteria vine twirling down. Yes, they voice their "I really wish you didn't do that" but once I remind them I am grown and use my own money for how I decorate myself, they let it go and move on. And if not, whatever.
Some of the kindest people I've met on the round rock have tattoos. Her parents need to grow up, and start talking to people, find who they are inside, not judge the outside. And as a Christian, I love a line I remember...our names are written on Gods hands...the ultimate tattoo
I can't stand parents like this. You are an adult! An individual. Not an extension of them either. You have a say in how you live.They don't. You paid for your tattoo. They didn't have to. It's your body that it's on not theirs. As far as your man,if they don't like him it's their loss. If he treats you right and makes you happy that's good enough. I went through this same bs. I have numerous tattoos. They hate them. I told them I paid for them and they didn't have to wear them. I know that they have certain issues with my man as well but currently guess who has been the 1st one to step up when my mom broke her leg despite her originally not wanting him in her house? HIM! He helped her up from the fall, because I am disabled and can't drive he took her immediately to get it looked at. Has stayed with myself and her to help her,lift her, take her anywhere she needs to go. Such a horrible bf. He may not meet her standards but he stepped up. Parents need to learn that they have no control of their children once they are of age. Your parents were messed up to play mind games. Id take a break from them and their drama for a while. Cut them off for a bit. As far as you... You need to quit worrying about having their approval. They messed you up because they have been doing this for a long time. Not just this situation. As I said take a break from them
I have five tattoos, and both of my daughters have several. The younger daughter (35) is covered in them. I always told my kids that they could do what they wanted to their own bodies. Both girls know that I'm not too fond of face or neck tattoos, but that didn't stop the younger one from getting them, and it didn't change the way I treat her.
That’s the way, girl! Break the mental iron choke hold they have on you, see the control and manipulation for what it is and let them have their tantrum away from your person and out of your mind. I know how grotesquely hard it is to break a cycle that’s been brainwashed in since early childhood - you have actual physical synapses reacting to it at this point - but it’s the only way to freedom. I hope OP manages to break all the way free; some never do. The death grip of emotional puppeteering from earliest memories is just so unimaginably strong. I’ve seen people end themselves because they realized they could not break free (I work in mental health), it seems so benign from the outside but this stuff is no joke friends and neighbours. If one hasn’t experienced such life long control methods, one simply cannot imagine. I cross my fingers for her and hope she remains strong. **DO NOT** play the game.
Took me up until my 30s to realize my parents act like that sometimes too. What opened my eyes and turned out to be a simple yet very effective solution was what my therapist said: "You don't have to play their game by their rules". Because that's what it is - they play you and force you to do what they want (worry, explain yourself, appease them etc.), completely ignoring any input from you that doesn't fit the rules they set. Well, I never agreed to those rules. Heck, I never even agreed to play the game! So now when they're trying to make me feel bad about myself and/or do what they want, they get a shrug and not a single sentence of me trying to justify myself to them. And they're slowly learning where the boundaries are.
NTA. For however long they decide to be LC with you, when they want to see their grandchild, make them wait as long. Anytime they grief you over a choice you made, that only affects you, about your body, leave, or make them leave. Don't even explain why.
I disagree. They were upset, didn't want to confront the situation just yet - they needed space. She HOUNDED them, wouldn't drop it, and forced them into a conversation that they weren't ready for. She got the reaction she wanted. The parents should have just ignored the tattoo - that probably would have driven her crazy.
If they had a problem with it then they should have just said so instead of being all cryptic. 1 quick text saying we have a problem with you getting a tattoo and need time to process would have changed the whole situation
Load More Replies...Some parents just can't let their children live their own lives... She can grey rock them and let them seek HER validation now. If they decide they don't want to see her , that is their choice. What the heck does a tattoo matter? Shes 34 for pete's sake!
They're acting like OP got "666" or "I love punting 12 week fetuses" tattooed on her forehead! Seven hells, it's just a tattoo! I would go LC or NC with these horrible people lest they warp that poor 4 y/o's mind
"I love punting 12 week fetuses" is actually my next planned tattoo 🥰
Load More Replies...I was absolutely horrified that my mom got a tattoo on her shoulder (butterfly) when I was 16!!!! She wore a halter top to my Sr picnic and so my mom was "That Mom" I continued to be horrified for quite some time!!! Then one day I realized my Mom was 32 yo, widowed with 3 teenagers!!! She was more than entitled!!! Nowadays I'm the mom with 2(19f) 1(20m) and one of my daughters celebrated her 19th with a tattoo... Tui &La Yin/Yang which is not always visible. It's fine!! She's talking me into getting one.... and I might!!! It's no one's business either way!!!!
before we got married i made it very clear to my husband i wanted tattoos (full sleeves eventually) . we had all those important talks. now that i have one he says im not allowed to get another. i aready have one planned out and will get it once i have the money saved up. funny that he seems to think i am asking for permission
My mom signed for me to get my first tattoo at 15 y/o. I definitely could’ve made a better choice in tattoo though
NTA. If it wasn't the tattoo, it would have been something just as "dramatic," like pierced ears or a crew cut. OP's parents are just narcissists in sheep's clothing. She should just give them what they give her--the silent treatment, and plenty of it. Don't immediately respond to calls and texts; wait at least a week. Even leave them on read once in a while. If they say they're going to drop by, don't acknowledge it, but prepare to be absent when they show up. The loss of control will drive them out of their everloving minds, and it will be an absolute delight to watch from a front-row seat.
I can’t agree with this analysis in full. Yes it’s hurtful that her parents would react this way. And also- adult kids forget that their parents are also people in their own right. They are allowed to have reactions and to dislike something themselves. They are not just your parents. They have feelings, hurts, values of their own and they are not accountable to always agree with you as an adult. Why did she keep texting and calling? She is engaging in their overly involved behavior as well. And I understand abuse. But you are 34. Supposedly an adult yet you still want constant validation of your choices by your parents. They have a place and desires in life that are not just about being your parent, sorry. I am am familiar with Darvo. Your parents being upset is not Darvo.
I can’t agree that this example alone is abusive. Adult kids forget that their parents are people with their own thoughts and feelings. They are allowed to be upset about something and to deal with it with distance. It does sound like an unhealthy relationship but on both sides. At 34 you are not a child in need of constant validation. I find at this age, we tend to still think our parents are only about us when really they are allowed to have their own deal going on. Leave them alone and stop harassing them because you don’t agree with their disagreement. Time to grow up.
Mostly I'm very much against the idea of tattoos, especially the huge amount of just blue ink most people have, but my father had one and my son has one too. Both for very good reasons I am happy to support. I remember from training for Tactical Questioning (i.e. the nearest the army can come to torturing potential recruits as part of the special forces recruitment process) how each tattoo give the questioner information about you, which can and will be used against you. But the bottom line is that it is the OP's body and her choice to have tattoos or not (though figures I have seen show that most people regret them later in life). Her parents don't get a vote (assuming she's an adult and capable of consenting to the tattoo too).
Just as a heads up the "blue ink tattoos" are actually black. Caucasian skin however steals some of the pigment and it looks blue after a little bit of time.
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