Couple Never Revealed The Birth Of Their 2 Y.O. Daughter, Get Blasted By Their Neglectful Family For Hiding The Kid From Them
Perhaps you remember Andersen’s famous fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling”? About how the birds on the farm paid absolutely no attention to the strange chick, and then were incredibly shocked when he grew into a beautiful strong swan and left the farm, to everyone’s admiration?
But what if the tale developed differently, and even when the beautiful swan grew up, he was still considered an ugly duckling? And, like in childhood, completely ignored? The great storyteller did not foresee such a plot – though it is, by the way, quite realistic.
For example, just read this popular thread in the AITA Reddit community, which has amassed nearly 13K upvotes and over 1.4K miscellaneous comments – mostly in support of the Original Poster. No, the plot is not quite classic, but it’s no less interesting.
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster and his wife live across the country from his relatives and contact them rarely
Image source: daveynin (not the actual photo)
So, the OP and his wife live across the country from his relatives, and neither of them have sought to communicate regularly, getting together only on rare significant occasions like weddings or funerals.
Image source: throwawaysecchild
The OP and his wife are deaf from birth and the man was ignored by relatives since his very childhood
The thing is that the OP and his wife are deaf from birth, and while the woman was lucky with relatives, her husband was practically ignored since his childhood. That is, the child was fed, dressed, taken to school – but nothing more. No one tried to make friends with him, to delve into his inner world – and this is actually very insulting.
Image source: throwawaysecchild
The OP’s parents did not even bother to learn sign language to make it easier for him to communicate
What can we talk about, when the parents didn’t even bother to learn sign language so that it would be more convenient for their son to communicate with them? Of course, the OP could talk and read lips, but still, some of the information is lost there.
Moreover, the relatives always, for some reason, considered OP and his wife incapable and not so smart. According to the author of the post, they seriously believed that the husband and wife were living at the expense of the woman’s relatives.
Image source: throwawaysecchild
The couple decided that they didn’t want any of the husband’s family in their daughter’s life
In the meantime, they both have good jobs with a stable income, travel regularly and are only waiting for the real estate market to cool down in order to buy a house. Moreover, recently, a new reason for this has appeared…
Yes, two years ago, the OP’s wife delivered a daughter, but the parents decided not to advertise this event among his relatives. On the one hand, of course, there are many children of her age there – on the other, the OP and his wife were afraid that if the girl was also born deaf, she would be treated the same as her father was once treated.
Image source: throwawaysecchild
One day, the OP’s older brother somehow found out that he has a niece
The girl was born without any hearing problems, but her parents did not change their minds. They kept her off social media and lived quietly for two years, until OP’s older brother somehow found out that he had a niece.
We must admit that the OP’s older brother, in his own words, does not have his life together – he works odd jobs, has unstable relationships and regularly mooches off people. Nevertheless, the family somehow considered the man to be a wonderful and very smart person, despite his behavior. And yes, as a child, he treated the OP badly.
Image source: Rad Blondie (not the actual photo)
The relatives blasted the OP for being a selfish snob
So, when the relatives found out that for two whole years, the OP had concealed from them the very fact of the girl’s existence, they were furious. The OP’s wife was chosen as the main antagonist – they say it is she who set her husband against his family, and they would be happy to help raise the child.
However, the OP and his wife believe that in the circle of people who treated their father badly throughout his life, the daughter will not be welcome. Although, being under an avalanche of accusations, the man even wondered to himself whether he is doing the right thing by depriving his daughter of communication with relatives.
People in the comments not only supported the OP’s decision, but also gave him a lot of advice
All things said, the commenters were unanimously on his side and massively supported such a decision. The OP was asked to think about whether he wants his relatives to try to convince his daughter that her father is incapable before she can understand the difference herself.
According to people in the comments, this family is unlikely to help raise a child; the girl is probably only interesting to them because, unlike her father, she can hear. The OP was advised to keep distance, enjoy life and continue to protect his child from them.
We’re pretty sure you have something to say about this story too, so feel free to express your opinion and we promise to take your comments with all our attention.
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Family is VERY important. So important, that if one's biological family treats one person as stupid, incapable, always doubting them, never encouraging them, then find a new group of people to call family, blood or not. They can be a partner with which you create a family with children, pets, plants, friends, etc. Everyone deserves a supportive family and if the biological family is not it, then friends, pets, spouses can all be a wonderful family.
Well said. Aside from my sister, my family were as dysfunctional and selfish as they possibly could be. But when I met my MIL and husbands other family, I realized how a family was supposed to be towards each other. My MIL and her parents never hesitated to accept me into their family and were always encouraging. Because of them, my husband and I are in a good place with our relationship and finances to where we can look out for the rest of his relatives. As for my family, my sister is the only one I have time for and the only one that I would bend over backwards for. The rest can go skip rope.
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Walked away from all family but three people. My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier.
You and me both. It's like you hold out hope that maybe they will change and be better people by seeing you flourish. But then you realize they will continuously drag you down if you let them. I stopped letting them. Funny thing is, they spent all those years telling me I was a pain and that I should be grateful they even took care of me. Then when I left and cut off connections with them, they suddenly wonder why I never came around or called. Probably because I realized you needed me more than I needed you....
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NTA. I would stay away from them as far as possible. They didn’t want you or your wife in their life, so now that you have a daughter they want to be apart of HER life? What about you guys? Don’t they want to mend things? I highly doubt it. They’re going to sadly brain wash her into thinking you guys are incapable of doing anything right. Your family is so disgusting. I hope OP just live their lives the way they are, without any family members around.
OPs family are stupid and sadly their attitude toward OP is not uncommon. It is so weird but some people think that deafness, wheelchair, blindness or some other physical difference makes a person stupid. smh Also weird, when two people don’t speak the same language so they start raising their voices when trying to communicate with each other.
I knew a young man ( he has passed ) that was hearing and speech impaired. His mother learned how to sign for her son. His dad I'm sad to say was scared of him because of his impairments and never tried to build a relationship with his son. That's the only thing this young man ever wanted. In my heart, I have always held this against his dad.
Of course NTA. Op’s family really sucks, and they had every right to keep their daughter away from them.
NTA stay far away from those toxic people. Your family is now your wife and daughter.
Although I believe in second chances, your family has proven that they are incapable of compassion. My son attended a special education class because he had a learning disability (ASD.) One little boy in his class used a walker and had a feeding tube, but was just as intelligent and capable of communication as any other 5 year old. I asked why he was in the class. His nurse said "I don't know. For some reason the school thinks a physical disability translates to a mental disability." Last I heard, his parents had threatened the school with a discrimination lawsuit if they didn't allow their son to attend regular classes. I'm sorry your parents assumed that hearing loss translated to intelligence issues. Keep your daughter far away from them, but make sure to take steps to ensure they don't try to sue for custody or visitation rights.
Sadly many people don't care what kind of problem one has... If someone differs from the accepted style (especially in a way most ppl can't understand) they will be seen negatively regardless
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Your wife and daughter are your family. You should protect them from that. If your daughter was deaf would they have the same desire to meet her?
That's terrible! At least OP has a loving wife and a child they both love. He has everything he needs.
This is not about the deaf couple or the family. It is about the child. There does not seem to be a real game plan here. The couple had to know the family would find out about the child one way or another. The decision not to have them in her life is up to the parents for now, but I do think the couple should have just been upfront and honest. The child will grow up, and may want to know the family. At that point, the child will be an adult with tools to deal with the situation for themselves.
Your family is unfathomably toxic, but you already know that. NTA at all. BTW, congrats on having a CODA that will no doubt grow up in a loving environment full of people who respect you, your wife, and her.
I have a friend who has a deaf son. He is also developmentally disabled. I love her so dearly. But she never bothered to teach him sign language or to learn it. I feel that when you do that you are further isolating the child. It's hard enough to get them to talk to us and to know what's going on. I hate to sound judgmental but, I just don't get it.
The best revenge is a life well lived. Better that you show them how well your life now, so they could understand their misunderstanding. Parents always seek the best for their child. True that they looked down at you before. Usually when you show how good your life now then they will start to appreciate. But of course that well being of your kids are paramount.
OP is an incredible person to have grown up so well considering it sounds like his family were borderline neglectful.
This kind of hits home for me. My parents and siblings are some of the most awesome and encouraging people ever. However, my dad's sisters and some of his other relatives were not that way. I have had anxiety probably ever since I was a little kid. I was also a sickly child. I had asthma and allergies and a whole host of other health issues. One of my major allergies is to cigarette smoke. All of my dad's siblings were smokers and knew that they couldn't smoke around me. Their solution for being able to smoke in my grandmother's house without making me sick was to make me go outside. Anytime they lit up a cigarette while I was visiting my grandmother, I had to go stand outside until they were done. Neither of my parents liked this, but they didn't want to cause an argument so they just had me go outside, but would go with me. 1/2
2/2. When I became older into adulthood, my relatives started to make comments about my anxiety. They would talk about how "nervous" I was and how I could never be on my own because I would be to scared. They would always talk about how I would not make it in certain jobs because I would be too nervous to do them. One time I told my aunt that I had just gotten a job at Pizza Hut as a fry cook and she told me that I would probably not be there more than a month because of my anxiety. I was there for over a year and went from fry cook to delivery driver. I am still a delivery driver for a different restaurant and I have been there for over three years. I also have lived on my own in my own apartment for over three years as well.
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With the way the OP and his wife have been treated is it any wonder? What would make them think they'd treat their child any different. They've been more than capable to look after and manage their own affairs, raise a daughter for two years and are successful and happy. There's a popular saying lately, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time".
It’s good for kids to have family and friends outside of the parents but not good to subject them to bad nasty family who are unsupportive, disrespectful and negative
NTA. Nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life even if they're blood relatives.
When you don't make any effort then don't be surprised you are excluded. My heart bleeds for what this man went through as a child. Even if they took care of his physical needs, that is still child neglect and abuse. But to continue with that attitude after proving them wrong about his intelligence shows that there is no hope for his family at all.
Helped raise her in many different ways, speaks nothing but red flags to me. They didn't offer the same to you. And it's also none of their concern. They may be "family", but that doesn't give them a right to your child, and they don't treat you like one either. Keep them away. And since they spent your entire life being disrespectful towards you and then later on your wife, you have no obligation to be polite to them now since at best all they did was the basic thing to keep you alive, you be rude right back and ask point blank to their face if they'd want to get to know her if she was deaf.
.....no no no keep them away they will always go after your wife disrepectfully and with malice...
Please don't second guess yourself you are doing the right thing, she's only 2 let her keep believing that the world is all about butterflies,lady bugs and rainbows until the time comes for her to learn about troll, wicked witches of the west and scary clowns named Pennywise my,my that scares me. Your doing a good thing know this to be true
NTA. Its precise the core of the problem, some people's family is entwined with issues. Boundary issue, respect issue, trust issues, and whole range of s**t that I sort them under "Toxic" category, rationally that's what we shield ourselves away, the negative influence to our lives. Unfortunately for OP, and Myself, my family has layers and layers of issues, thus I choose to move as far away from them as possible. You are doing the right thing, kcco brother.
I'm slightly leaning ESH, if only because I feel the OP was cowardly in not making the split clear and official. The existence of your kid isn't something you just ghost on. If they were under the impression that the OP was fine, but just distant, this would be a major blow, and he should have made it clear that he has significant issues with the way he's treated, to the point where he is cutting contact. Rather than half heartedly letting things fizzle and keeping in rare contact so they think he's just bad at correspondence.
About 40% of US adults have been estranged from someone in their family at some point. At a given time, 25% are currently estranged. Beware of people with personality disorders who refuse to admit it and seek help: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463
Family is VERY important. So important, that if one's biological family treats one person as stupid, incapable, always doubting them, never encouraging them, then find a new group of people to call family, blood or not. They can be a partner with which you create a family with children, pets, plants, friends, etc. Everyone deserves a supportive family and if the biological family is not it, then friends, pets, spouses can all be a wonderful family.
Well said. Aside from my sister, my family were as dysfunctional and selfish as they possibly could be. But when I met my MIL and husbands other family, I realized how a family was supposed to be towards each other. My MIL and her parents never hesitated to accept me into their family and were always encouraging. Because of them, my husband and I are in a good place with our relationship and finances to where we can look out for the rest of his relatives. As for my family, my sister is the only one I have time for and the only one that I would bend over backwards for. The rest can go skip rope.
Load More Replies... Walked away from all family but three people. My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier.
You and me both. It's like you hold out hope that maybe they will change and be better people by seeing you flourish. But then you realize they will continuously drag you down if you let them. I stopped letting them. Funny thing is, they spent all those years telling me I was a pain and that I should be grateful they even took care of me. Then when I left and cut off connections with them, they suddenly wonder why I never came around or called. Probably because I realized you needed me more than I needed you....
Load More Replies... NTA. I would stay away from them as far as possible. They didn’t want you or your wife in their life, so now that you have a daughter they want to be apart of HER life? What about you guys? Don’t they want to mend things? I highly doubt it. They’re going to sadly brain wash her into thinking you guys are incapable of doing anything right. Your family is so disgusting. I hope OP just live their lives the way they are, without any family members around.
OPs family are stupid and sadly their attitude toward OP is not uncommon. It is so weird but some people think that deafness, wheelchair, blindness or some other physical difference makes a person stupid. smh Also weird, when two people don’t speak the same language so they start raising their voices when trying to communicate with each other.
I knew a young man ( he has passed ) that was hearing and speech impaired. His mother learned how to sign for her son. His dad I'm sad to say was scared of him because of his impairments and never tried to build a relationship with his son. That's the only thing this young man ever wanted. In my heart, I have always held this against his dad.
Of course NTA. Op’s family really sucks, and they had every right to keep their daughter away from them.
NTA stay far away from those toxic people. Your family is now your wife and daughter.
Although I believe in second chances, your family has proven that they are incapable of compassion. My son attended a special education class because he had a learning disability (ASD.) One little boy in his class used a walker and had a feeding tube, but was just as intelligent and capable of communication as any other 5 year old. I asked why he was in the class. His nurse said "I don't know. For some reason the school thinks a physical disability translates to a mental disability." Last I heard, his parents had threatened the school with a discrimination lawsuit if they didn't allow their son to attend regular classes. I'm sorry your parents assumed that hearing loss translated to intelligence issues. Keep your daughter far away from them, but make sure to take steps to ensure they don't try to sue for custody or visitation rights.
Sadly many people don't care what kind of problem one has... If someone differs from the accepted style (especially in a way most ppl can't understand) they will be seen negatively regardless
Load More Replies... Your wife and daughter are your family. You should protect them from that. If your daughter was deaf would they have the same desire to meet her?
That's terrible! At least OP has a loving wife and a child they both love. He has everything he needs.
This is not about the deaf couple or the family. It is about the child. There does not seem to be a real game plan here. The couple had to know the family would find out about the child one way or another. The decision not to have them in her life is up to the parents for now, but I do think the couple should have just been upfront and honest. The child will grow up, and may want to know the family. At that point, the child will be an adult with tools to deal with the situation for themselves.
Your family is unfathomably toxic, but you already know that. NTA at all. BTW, congrats on having a CODA that will no doubt grow up in a loving environment full of people who respect you, your wife, and her.
I have a friend who has a deaf son. He is also developmentally disabled. I love her so dearly. But she never bothered to teach him sign language or to learn it. I feel that when you do that you are further isolating the child. It's hard enough to get them to talk to us and to know what's going on. I hate to sound judgmental but, I just don't get it.
The best revenge is a life well lived. Better that you show them how well your life now, so they could understand their misunderstanding. Parents always seek the best for their child. True that they looked down at you before. Usually when you show how good your life now then they will start to appreciate. But of course that well being of your kids are paramount.
OP is an incredible person to have grown up so well considering it sounds like his family were borderline neglectful.
This kind of hits home for me. My parents and siblings are some of the most awesome and encouraging people ever. However, my dad's sisters and some of his other relatives were not that way. I have had anxiety probably ever since I was a little kid. I was also a sickly child. I had asthma and allergies and a whole host of other health issues. One of my major allergies is to cigarette smoke. All of my dad's siblings were smokers and knew that they couldn't smoke around me. Their solution for being able to smoke in my grandmother's house without making me sick was to make me go outside. Anytime they lit up a cigarette while I was visiting my grandmother, I had to go stand outside until they were done. Neither of my parents liked this, but they didn't want to cause an argument so they just had me go outside, but would go with me. 1/2
2/2. When I became older into adulthood, my relatives started to make comments about my anxiety. They would talk about how "nervous" I was and how I could never be on my own because I would be to scared. They would always talk about how I would not make it in certain jobs because I would be too nervous to do them. One time I told my aunt that I had just gotten a job at Pizza Hut as a fry cook and she told me that I would probably not be there more than a month because of my anxiety. I was there for over a year and went from fry cook to delivery driver. I am still a delivery driver for a different restaurant and I have been there for over three years. I also have lived on my own in my own apartment for over three years as well.
Load More Replies... With the way the OP and his wife have been treated is it any wonder? What would make them think they'd treat their child any different. They've been more than capable to look after and manage their own affairs, raise a daughter for two years and are successful and happy. There's a popular saying lately, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time".
It’s good for kids to have family and friends outside of the parents but not good to subject them to bad nasty family who are unsupportive, disrespectful and negative
NTA. Nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life even if they're blood relatives.
When you don't make any effort then don't be surprised you are excluded. My heart bleeds for what this man went through as a child. Even if they took care of his physical needs, that is still child neglect and abuse. But to continue with that attitude after proving them wrong about his intelligence shows that there is no hope for his family at all.
Helped raise her in many different ways, speaks nothing but red flags to me. They didn't offer the same to you. And it's also none of their concern. They may be "family", but that doesn't give them a right to your child, and they don't treat you like one either. Keep them away. And since they spent your entire life being disrespectful towards you and then later on your wife, you have no obligation to be polite to them now since at best all they did was the basic thing to keep you alive, you be rude right back and ask point blank to their face if they'd want to get to know her if she was deaf.
.....no no no keep them away they will always go after your wife disrepectfully and with malice...
Please don't second guess yourself you are doing the right thing, she's only 2 let her keep believing that the world is all about butterflies,lady bugs and rainbows until the time comes for her to learn about troll, wicked witches of the west and scary clowns named Pennywise my,my that scares me. Your doing a good thing know this to be true
NTA. Its precise the core of the problem, some people's family is entwined with issues. Boundary issue, respect issue, trust issues, and whole range of s**t that I sort them under "Toxic" category, rationally that's what we shield ourselves away, the negative influence to our lives. Unfortunately for OP, and Myself, my family has layers and layers of issues, thus I choose to move as far away from them as possible. You are doing the right thing, kcco brother.
I'm slightly leaning ESH, if only because I feel the OP was cowardly in not making the split clear and official. The existence of your kid isn't something you just ghost on. If they were under the impression that the OP was fine, but just distant, this would be a major blow, and he should have made it clear that he has significant issues with the way he's treated, to the point where he is cutting contact. Rather than half heartedly letting things fizzle and keeping in rare contact so they think he's just bad at correspondence.
About 40% of US adults have been estranged from someone in their family at some point. At a given time, 25% are currently estranged. Beware of people with personality disorders who refuse to admit it and seek help: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463
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