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“I’d Really Like To Hear The Reasoning Behind Women Who Won’t Take Their Husband’s Last Name” (28 Answers)
As we have said more than once, a wedding is one of the most important days in the life of any person, and any wedding consists of a whole set of traditional elements that we are actually so used to that we don’t even notice.
White bridesmaid dress, 'something borrowed, something new', walking down the aisle with beautiful classical music, exchanging rings, kissing at the altar, changing of the bride's last name, honeymoon trip... Wait, let's go back one step - just the tradition of taking a husband's last name today is gradually fading into the past. Or not?
Image credits: @_MercyFul
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It all started with this tweet from user @_MercyFul, as she wondered why women today refuse to take their husband's last name after marriage. The thread went viral with women coming up with various reasonings, from totally comical to completely logical and justified. So please feel free to read a selection of the most interesting opinions thoroughly collected by Bored Panda especially for you.
Historically, the tradition in which a woman takes her husband's last name after marriage comes from an ancient patriarchal society, when the wife actually left her own family after the wedding, joining the husband's extended family. Today, of course, this is not the case, but the tradition still persists.
And still, there are exceptions - for example, in Greece since 1983, according to the law, a woman retains her maiden name throughout her life. Or in Spain, where every child born receives two last names - the first is the name of the father, and the second is the mother's. However, local activists are also deeply concerned that this rule de facto downplays the role of the maternal last name.
I’m adopted, and this would be my reasoning! I loved my adopted father and I’m proud to call myself by his last name. It’s something that he absolutely chose to give me (by choosing to adopt me) and I’m grateful.
And if you ever get divorced, then you'll have to do all of it again to change it back. Many women choose not to change it back just bc of having to go thru the same hassle all over again
This was me. Plus, professional certifications that would need to be changed. Too much hassle!
Totally. For some insane reason I decided to take my husband's name when we married a few years back (been together 16, married for almost 2). What a ginormous PAIN IN THE A*S. My login for practically every account we use contains my maiden name, so I choose to not change those. When I went to the bank to change my name on MY account the teller said I needed to bring in my marriage license. Here's my old ID with the address I opened the account, here's my new ID with my current address (which was updated online, so it was in the "system"), as you can clearly see both pictures are of ME. Had to talk to a manager. He said the same thing, so I asked "do you also need my husband's permission and a signature from my father? Close my account. I have no desire to bank with such a misogynistic company". Took the check they issued to the credit union, which is a joint account. She looked at both IDs and deposited the check. Done & Done. USBANK - you suck.
PS: My husband didn't care either way. He still smiles every time he refers to me as his wife & that's really all that matters.
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I'm always confused by people who say they had to change their social security number. I've been married three times and I still have the same number I got when I was in my teens and started working.
That's my reasons exactly! Well, I've kept my first husband's name because its the last name of my daughters. They are likely keeping their last names. I remarried 3 years ago and ya, all the reasons listed. Seems a pain to gather the papers and send em to dmv, SS, banks, CCs companies, new name badge, all that c**p.
Very practical consideration. How do we handle it with kids? What will be their last name?
You don't get a new SSN when you change your name, least not in the USA.
Not a number, but a new card… issued with the same number but new name.
Load More Replies...According to a 2015 study, approximately 70% of American women take their husband's last name after changing their marital status. A year later, a similar survey among British women showed almost 90%. Looks pretty strange, doesn't it? "What is it - a harmless tradition or something that has crept into our world from the past?" asks Simon Duncan, professor at the University of Bradford, in his 2019 study.
"Some men still insist on this - a kind of echo of the patriarchal tradition of the past," Professor Duncan emphasizes. "And some women do not mind, taking it for granted, they say that they dream of becoming 'Mrs. So-and-so' by changing their identity". The researcher goes further, calling what's happening now 'pretty dangerous,' whether the couple is deliberately sticking to an old tradition or just doing it 'as is customary.'
And so this collection, as we do think, will be of interest to both women and men. If you started thinking about the reasons for the emergence and development of such traditions in the contemporary world, then this list was definitely not in vain. So please feel free to scroll it to the very end and maybe add your own reasoning for keeping your own name after leaving the altar.
it says her last name is power, i don't blame her for keeping it!
Hi, Mrs. My History, I'm Lollipop Girl (bad dad joke, I'm sorry)
Have a friend who is madly in love with his wife after 25 years and introduces his wife as his "first wife". She laughs at people's reactions. They were meant for each other.
It’s a real thing, men don’t own women. so there’s no reason for women to take men’s names unless they want to.
No one? If I get married, I'm instantly combining my surname with my wife's. Length isn't as big as an issue as what she's saying.
My last name was a beautiful gift given to me by my adoptive father when I was 8 years old. I owe it to that man to keep that name. No man will ever hold a candle to what he did for me.
That legitimately got me a little choked up, what a beautiful sentiment 🥹
Load More Replies... I'll never understand why some men get so arsey about a woman not wanting to take their name when getting married. You're marrying them, not adopting them.
it's definitely a very fast way of saying "don't marry me"
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100! Like why does it matter, do, don't, it doesn't matter, just love each other and live your life.
Load More Replies... "I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind men who don't take wives' last names" See how ridiculous that sounds?
When I was a small child in the 1950s, the first thing I noticed about gender inequity (which was never or rarely discussed back then) was women giving up their previous name. It just seemed so one-way to me and consequently made no sense.
My mom kept her last name when she married my dad. That's great and all, but when my brother was born they didn't want to give him a hyphenated name but couldn't decide which of their last names to go with so they made up a new one. Apparently that is (or was) legal in some states. Then when I was born they gave me the same last name as my brother, so now me, my mom, and my dad each have a different last name. It gets very confusing when teachers try to contact either of my parents.
You must live in a very traditional place if parents having different surnames to their kids is considered confusing for the school. Surely they have school records that say who your parents are. How can it be confusing?
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It never occurred to either of us to say I'd take his surname. He didn't/doesn't own me. He felt as strongly as I did about it. "Nope, we're married, not owned" basically. So, yeah. Most people don't grasp it, and while we expected me to be called Mrs. Hisname, it's happened that he's been called Mr. Myname. We correct them, they look confused anyway, life goes on.
Honestly I might change my name just because I'm fed up with the dumb jokes surrounding mine.
I have a friend whose last name is Cockburn. Lmao. He insists it's pronounced "co-bun" but I know the truth and won't ever shut up abt it.
Load More Replies... Have you every picked up your grandma's mail and it read "Mrs. John Ratatoui"--that used to be the norm. Don't need it. Don't want it.
He has an unusual name, and I worked with his brother. Didn't want my clients thinking I'd married the brother. I'm attached to my name, it's mine, had it all my life, why change it? It's a hangover from the same attitude that saw a father "give away" his daughter to her husband at the wedding. From the control of one man, to another because, you know, women can't look after themselves, right? Not the way marriage works anymore, thankfully. My husband's name is still mispronounced by people who've known him for decades. I would not have the patience for that. My daughter's school seems to get it right now, which is nice. The only tricky part now is that kids, when parents have different surnames, are almost always surnamed after their dads. Maybe we should draw it out of a hat to choose. :-D
I don't know what I'd do if I got married to my boyfriend. Pros- I get my surname from my dad who was abusive and I chose not to see when I turned 16. I love and respect my boyfriend, so taking his name would cut that connection. Plus I'm not a fan of double barreled names so I'd want our children to have his name, and I like the idea of us having the same name. Cons- It's been my name all my life so it would be strange to have a different name. It's complicated to update everything with a new name.
I'm a teenager but when I get married I'll only take my husband's last name if I like his last name better than mine. If I don't like his last name I'm keeping mine. Simple.
We were married in 1986. At the time I told my wife that she was more than welcome to keep her maiden name. She looked at me like I was stupid. "I am an artist and your name is a much better last name than mine." So there. I am sure there are a bunch of dudes out there twitting about women that don't take their husband's last name and how that's leading to the end of civilization. Meet my wife of 30+ years.
I took the name. And I never liked it. I could never say it with a straight face and it also landed me a nickname with my family that was sort of funny, but got old fast. Went back to maiden name when divorced. Won’t change again if I ever remarry (unlikely).
The traditional name change was because the wife became his property, he didn't take my name so I didn't take his
My Peruvian fiancé has a terrible last name, plus he hates it because it's from his dad who has treated him in a most horrible fashion. When we finally get his visa (hoping and praying it'll be this summer, we're waiting for our letter from NVC) and get married, he is happily going to take MY last name.
My wife chose to take my last name because she really liked it. But I made it clear she was under no obligation to do so.
When I got divorced I decided to keep my ex's surname until I tarnished it.
My maiden name is impossible to spell, my sister and I welcomed new last names. I was married twice and changed my name twice. Each time people made different assumptions when meeting me. incredible.
I have a very unique and rare last name, it's in my family tree from at least 1600's. When I got married, I told my husband I don't change, and he has a free choise to keep his (ordinary) last name or take mine. He chose mine. So we have my rare last name and I didn't demand him to take it :)
I wanted to take my wife's surname because I don't like mine. She wanted my name (just because she a bit old fashioned), eventually, after months of discussing it, we decided to just keep our own names.
I live in Central Europe, my first name is Italian and the second one German. My boyfriend is a Latino, his last name is Spanish. It's easier to find a job when my name sounds like I was a local and not an immigrant.
My sister kept her maiden name (my maiden name too, same father) because she didn't want to be "owned by a man". I asked her if she thought she was "owned" by our father. She didn't have a response for that. I would like to change my last name back to my maiden name, my husband's side of the family has MORE than enough people with the same last name as his. I want my family name to live as long as possible, since me and my older sister don't have any kids.
"she was "owned" by our father". Not too long ago, our father "gave" us to our future husband and family. That's exactly what the reverend said at ours.
Load More Replies... I've been married for 28 years next month. I knew I didn't want kids and his last name is super common. Plus I just didn't want to.
I got married in 1996. And even then, it wasn't assumed I'd take his name. He asked me what my plan was, we had a conversation about it, and he was cool either way. I ended up taking his name because it's a really cool name, and I grew up with abusive parents and had zero attachment to my maiden name. Plus, his parents were amazing and I loved sharing their name. But the point is, it wasn't assumed. It was something we discussed before we got married. I think it's weird people just assume the woman is going to change her name, as if it's mandatory.
Personally, I have never understood why some women decide to change their names from something simple to spell & pronounce to something complicated just because they got married. That, or if the new husband has a questionable name. But too each their own. I kept my name because I never wanted to change it and it's a perfectly good name
My mom took my dad's first name as her last name. Her reason was because she married him, not his father. So, us kids have our dad's first name as our last name. When I got married, I kept my maiden name for sentimental and practical reasons.
"I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind men who don't take their wives' last names." See how ridiculous that sounds?
I think the tradition began because the Bible said that in their union: "they become one!"
The same verse says right before that the MAN should leave his parents for his wife. Always made me think they should take the wife's name under that account
Load More Replies... I got married early and didn't have a driver's license at the time. I only sent a request for my SIN and used his name socially. At the time, we lived in a province when the woman kept her maiden name but because I changed the name on my SIN, my Income Taxes were under my married name. This province is also known for their high level of feminists and keeping your name after marriage is equal to being a feminist, which I'm not. When we moved to another province, I changed everything. It was easy; we were both doing it anyways for the address and the rest. I do not regret this and if I ever go back to the original province, I will change it in Court - they allow that. Our children have his name, we both have the same; it's so much easier and it just rounds up everyone; we're a unit. My brother and his children all have different names and it's a mess (hyphen, no hyphen, her name first, his name first...). Not for me.
Been married 5 years and I still go by my maiden name because it just seems so complicated to change it. I really do want my husband's surname now but I doubt I'll ever get around to changing it because I do struggle with official stuff like that, it should be easy.
When I married my ex, my then mil said that I really should be known as Mrs Jim Jones (not real name). I flatly refused and said changing my surname but defiantly not my first name. This was in 1970
I always wanted to keep my last name, and, if I had kids, I would have given the boys hubby’s last name and the girls mine. That way, my last name could at least live on one more generation. The current generation is all girls.
I took my wife's last name as a blow against the convention that minimalized women.
I'm more interested in why someone would want to know the reason for not taking someone's name, as though it's unfathomable you wouldn't want to change your identity to match your husband (but for the record, iris because it's an outdated piece of patriarchal b******t from the times when men had to assert their ownership of their wives. Although I'm also anti-marriage, so not an issue for me.)
As much as I love my last name, I want to take my husband’s last name. It’s traditional, simple, and when I get married I want to flex it on people and correct them >:)
Growing up, I had a friend whose father was a narcissist that abused him. Beat him for even a perceived transgression. He was an only child. When he got married, he took his wife's last name so their children would also have her last name. Everyone, including his father, found out when the new couple was introduced at the reception. Everyone laughed, thinking it was a joke. After a bit, his father even pulled him aside to tell him that it was not a funny joke. That's when he told him it was not a joke and he did it on purpose to get even with him for years of abuse by ending the family name. His father had no brothers, so that was it for the name. His father stormed out, and they never spoke again. It was a cold thing to do (end the family name), but I fully understood his reasoning.
I have many reasons. One, I only have brothers, my last name is my connection to them and my father. Second, I've had my last name for 30+ years, it would be a massive headache to have a new name. Third, my boyfriend's last name is technically a racial slur, so pass on taking that lol
My spouse was a victim of child abuse. I didn't want to take the abuser's name.
When I married my husband I took his name because I wanted to get rid of my family name. They weren't outright abusive and later I mended my relationship with my mom, but when I was younger they constantly made me feel stupid and as if I didn't truly belong with them. I never got their respect. So I felt better starting my new life under a new name, and honestly I have the feeling this is one of the very few good reasons to change your name. In my opinion, in modern relationships people should talk about their names openly and together decide on their options. And if one feels the family should have one name and the other feels they want to keep their name, the one wanting the shared name should change theirs to make them match. But if one insists the other changes HER name BeCAuSe ItS TrAdItIOn, with the argument that a family should have one name, I'd think very hard on marrying them. Because each and any argument for a woman changing her name can be turned right around at the other.
I took my husbands name for personal reasons... but that's just it isn't it.. I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why I changed my name and no-one owes an explanation as to why they keep theirs. Autonomy is amazing is it not? It's 2023. Time to move on from this conversation.
I know a couple who came up with a last name based on an acronym of the values they wanted their marriage to have, and then both changed to that, which I think is really sweet. I think taking your partner's last name is sweet if you want to do it, but it's also kind of exclusive to queer couples and fitting into standards of patriarchy in its original form. It's just a name, does it matter that much?
I would have changed mine if I got married in my early 20's... but I didn't get engaged until I was in my early 30's and since that was my name for song I didn't see a reason to change it but if we had kids I wouldn't want to have a different name then them so I might have changed it but never got married.
I have a better idea! No one takes any more names! Father keeps, his name, mother keeps her name, and same goes for any other types of couples. For naming children, why should the father's last name always be used? Come to a decision as adults which last name you'd like to put there, or go get a professionally witnessed coin-toss. Heads = Mother's last name Tails = Father's last name. Does that work for everyone?
A woman shouldn't take her husband's name because he probably isn't through using it yet.
There are some cultures/traditions where the bride's last name becomes their new or additional middle name when they adopt their husband's last name. And I believe their original middle name was their mom's maiden name.
In my opinion, not changing your name can/will create headaches when dealing with children’s names in the future. Having the same last name as my children brooks no argument on who their mother is.
My mom changed her last name when she got married to my now stepdad because the first initial of her previous last name spelt out a naughty word when coupled with her first and middle initials. Thankfully, her current LN starts with the same initial as her maiden name.
My wife and I fused our last names. Neither of us wanted to give up our last name, but we absolutely wanted to be a part of each other's families. So we are now both! I guess that's an easier thing to do when you have no patriarchy expectations hovering over you (we're very much lesbians, so nobody expects one of us to be the "man of the house").
was married for over 3 decades. my new husband didn't like i was keeping my name. he was old world italian (that was his excuse for me "needing" to take his name.) for me it was two fold. first, i am adopted & i couldn't ask for a better dad. he didn't have kids of his own. i was 18 & judge told me i could just change my name. told him nope-i want it on my birth certificate. second: asked my hubby if he had been john doe all his life, got married & had to change his name to smith would he ever look in the mirror and see john smith? he said of course not-i'm john doe! and i replied: exactly. end of discussion.
IIRC this tradition stemmed from showing whose property the woman was; unmarried, she was her father's property, married she was her husband's property. Men don't own women, and if it matters THAT much then why don't men change their names?
Have you ever noticed that most computer apps are not set up to handle maiden/previous last names? This is because the society is male-driven and men don't usually change their last names. Consider Facebook. When people first got on there, they went looking for old friends and long-lost cousins. But women were less likely to be found if they had changed their last name. I tried to find a favorite old coworker, but couldn't remember her maiden name. I knew she'd gotten a divorce. And if you've ever had to change your last name in an app where they want to verify your last name, they very often don't have a good process. Some want you to send in original copies of very important papers! And they will send it back weeks later, as if there aren't 5 other places asking for the same thing. This would never be the case it were men who commonly changed their last name. (I'm a software developer and I've never ONCE heard a single technical requirement that made mention of maiden names.)
My last name was a beautiful gift given to me by my adoptive father when I was 8 years old. I owe it to that man to keep that name. No man will ever hold a candle to what he did for me.
That legitimately got me a little choked up, what a beautiful sentiment 🥹
Load More Replies... I'll never understand why some men get so arsey about a woman not wanting to take their name when getting married. You're marrying them, not adopting them.
it's definitely a very fast way of saying "don't marry me"
Load More Replies... 100! Like why does it matter, do, don't, it doesn't matter, just love each other and live your life.
Load More Replies... "I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind men who don't take wives' last names" See how ridiculous that sounds?
When I was a small child in the 1950s, the first thing I noticed about gender inequity (which was never or rarely discussed back then) was women giving up their previous name. It just seemed so one-way to me and consequently made no sense.
My mom kept her last name when she married my dad. That's great and all, but when my brother was born they didn't want to give him a hyphenated name but couldn't decide which of their last names to go with so they made up a new one. Apparently that is (or was) legal in some states. Then when I was born they gave me the same last name as my brother, so now me, my mom, and my dad each have a different last name. It gets very confusing when teachers try to contact either of my parents.
You must live in a very traditional place if parents having different surnames to their kids is considered confusing for the school. Surely they have school records that say who your parents are. How can it be confusing?
Load More Replies... It never occurred to either of us to say I'd take his surname. He didn't/doesn't own me. He felt as strongly as I did about it. "Nope, we're married, not owned" basically. So, yeah. Most people don't grasp it, and while we expected me to be called Mrs. Hisname, it's happened that he's been called Mr. Myname. We correct them, they look confused anyway, life goes on.
Honestly I might change my name just because I'm fed up with the dumb jokes surrounding mine.
I have a friend whose last name is Cockburn. Lmao. He insists it's pronounced "co-bun" but I know the truth and won't ever shut up abt it.
Load More Replies... Have you every picked up your grandma's mail and it read "Mrs. John Ratatoui"--that used to be the norm. Don't need it. Don't want it.
He has an unusual name, and I worked with his brother. Didn't want my clients thinking I'd married the brother. I'm attached to my name, it's mine, had it all my life, why change it? It's a hangover from the same attitude that saw a father "give away" his daughter to her husband at the wedding. From the control of one man, to another because, you know, women can't look after themselves, right? Not the way marriage works anymore, thankfully. My husband's name is still mispronounced by people who've known him for decades. I would not have the patience for that. My daughter's school seems to get it right now, which is nice. The only tricky part now is that kids, when parents have different surnames, are almost always surnamed after their dads. Maybe we should draw it out of a hat to choose. :-D
I don't know what I'd do if I got married to my boyfriend. Pros- I get my surname from my dad who was abusive and I chose not to see when I turned 16. I love and respect my boyfriend, so taking his name would cut that connection. Plus I'm not a fan of double barreled names so I'd want our children to have his name, and I like the idea of us having the same name. Cons- It's been my name all my life so it would be strange to have a different name. It's complicated to update everything with a new name.
I'm a teenager but when I get married I'll only take my husband's last name if I like his last name better than mine. If I don't like his last name I'm keeping mine. Simple.
We were married in 1986. At the time I told my wife that she was more than welcome to keep her maiden name. She looked at me like I was stupid. "I am an artist and your name is a much better last name than mine." So there. I am sure there are a bunch of dudes out there twitting about women that don't take their husband's last name and how that's leading to the end of civilization. Meet my wife of 30+ years.
I took the name. And I never liked it. I could never say it with a straight face and it also landed me a nickname with my family that was sort of funny, but got old fast. Went back to maiden name when divorced. Won’t change again if I ever remarry (unlikely).
The traditional name change was because the wife became his property, he didn't take my name so I didn't take his
My Peruvian fiancé has a terrible last name, plus he hates it because it's from his dad who has treated him in a most horrible fashion. When we finally get his visa (hoping and praying it'll be this summer, we're waiting for our letter from NVC) and get married, he is happily going to take MY last name.
My wife chose to take my last name because she really liked it. But I made it clear she was under no obligation to do so.
When I got divorced I decided to keep my ex's surname until I tarnished it.
My maiden name is impossible to spell, my sister and I welcomed new last names. I was married twice and changed my name twice. Each time people made different assumptions when meeting me. incredible.
I have a very unique and rare last name, it's in my family tree from at least 1600's. When I got married, I told my husband I don't change, and he has a free choise to keep his (ordinary) last name or take mine. He chose mine. So we have my rare last name and I didn't demand him to take it :)
I wanted to take my wife's surname because I don't like mine. She wanted my name (just because she a bit old fashioned), eventually, after months of discussing it, we decided to just keep our own names.
I live in Central Europe, my first name is Italian and the second one German. My boyfriend is a Latino, his last name is Spanish. It's easier to find a job when my name sounds like I was a local and not an immigrant.
My sister kept her maiden name (my maiden name too, same father) because she didn't want to be "owned by a man". I asked her if she thought she was "owned" by our father. She didn't have a response for that. I would like to change my last name back to my maiden name, my husband's side of the family has MORE than enough people with the same last name as his. I want my family name to live as long as possible, since me and my older sister don't have any kids.
"she was "owned" by our father". Not too long ago, our father "gave" us to our future husband and family. That's exactly what the reverend said at ours.
Load More Replies... I've been married for 28 years next month. I knew I didn't want kids and his last name is super common. Plus I just didn't want to.
I got married in 1996. And even then, it wasn't assumed I'd take his name. He asked me what my plan was, we had a conversation about it, and he was cool either way. I ended up taking his name because it's a really cool name, and I grew up with abusive parents and had zero attachment to my maiden name. Plus, his parents were amazing and I loved sharing their name. But the point is, it wasn't assumed. It was something we discussed before we got married. I think it's weird people just assume the woman is going to change her name, as if it's mandatory.
Personally, I have never understood why some women decide to change their names from something simple to spell & pronounce to something complicated just because they got married. That, or if the new husband has a questionable name. But too each their own. I kept my name because I never wanted to change it and it's a perfectly good name
My mom took my dad's first name as her last name. Her reason was because she married him, not his father. So, us kids have our dad's first name as our last name. When I got married, I kept my maiden name for sentimental and practical reasons.
"I'd really like to hear the reasoning behind men who don't take their wives' last names." See how ridiculous that sounds?
I think the tradition began because the Bible said that in their union: "they become one!"
The same verse says right before that the MAN should leave his parents for his wife. Always made me think they should take the wife's name under that account
Load More Replies... I got married early and didn't have a driver's license at the time. I only sent a request for my SIN and used his name socially. At the time, we lived in a province when the woman kept her maiden name but because I changed the name on my SIN, my Income Taxes were under my married name. This province is also known for their high level of feminists and keeping your name after marriage is equal to being a feminist, which I'm not. When we moved to another province, I changed everything. It was easy; we were both doing it anyways for the address and the rest. I do not regret this and if I ever go back to the original province, I will change it in Court - they allow that. Our children have his name, we both have the same; it's so much easier and it just rounds up everyone; we're a unit. My brother and his children all have different names and it's a mess (hyphen, no hyphen, her name first, his name first...). Not for me.
Been married 5 years and I still go by my maiden name because it just seems so complicated to change it. I really do want my husband's surname now but I doubt I'll ever get around to changing it because I do struggle with official stuff like that, it should be easy.
When I married my ex, my then mil said that I really should be known as Mrs Jim Jones (not real name). I flatly refused and said changing my surname but defiantly not my first name. This was in 1970
I always wanted to keep my last name, and, if I had kids, I would have given the boys hubby’s last name and the girls mine. That way, my last name could at least live on one more generation. The current generation is all girls.
I took my wife's last name as a blow against the convention that minimalized women.
I'm more interested in why someone would want to know the reason for not taking someone's name, as though it's unfathomable you wouldn't want to change your identity to match your husband (but for the record, iris because it's an outdated piece of patriarchal b******t from the times when men had to assert their ownership of their wives. Although I'm also anti-marriage, so not an issue for me.)
As much as I love my last name, I want to take my husband’s last name. It’s traditional, simple, and when I get married I want to flex it on people and correct them >:)
Growing up, I had a friend whose father was a narcissist that abused him. Beat him for even a perceived transgression. He was an only child. When he got married, he took his wife's last name so their children would also have her last name. Everyone, including his father, found out when the new couple was introduced at the reception. Everyone laughed, thinking it was a joke. After a bit, his father even pulled him aside to tell him that it was not a funny joke. That's when he told him it was not a joke and he did it on purpose to get even with him for years of abuse by ending the family name. His father had no brothers, so that was it for the name. His father stormed out, and they never spoke again. It was a cold thing to do (end the family name), but I fully understood his reasoning.
I have many reasons. One, I only have brothers, my last name is my connection to them and my father. Second, I've had my last name for 30+ years, it would be a massive headache to have a new name. Third, my boyfriend's last name is technically a racial slur, so pass on taking that lol
My spouse was a victim of child abuse. I didn't want to take the abuser's name.
When I married my husband I took his name because I wanted to get rid of my family name. They weren't outright abusive and later I mended my relationship with my mom, but when I was younger they constantly made me feel stupid and as if I didn't truly belong with them. I never got their respect. So I felt better starting my new life under a new name, and honestly I have the feeling this is one of the very few good reasons to change your name. In my opinion, in modern relationships people should talk about their names openly and together decide on their options. And if one feels the family should have one name and the other feels they want to keep their name, the one wanting the shared name should change theirs to make them match. But if one insists the other changes HER name BeCAuSe ItS TrAdItIOn, with the argument that a family should have one name, I'd think very hard on marrying them. Because each and any argument for a woman changing her name can be turned right around at the other.
I took my husbands name for personal reasons... but that's just it isn't it.. I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why I changed my name and no-one owes an explanation as to why they keep theirs. Autonomy is amazing is it not? It's 2023. Time to move on from this conversation.
I know a couple who came up with a last name based on an acronym of the values they wanted their marriage to have, and then both changed to that, which I think is really sweet. I think taking your partner's last name is sweet if you want to do it, but it's also kind of exclusive to queer couples and fitting into standards of patriarchy in its original form. It's just a name, does it matter that much?
I would have changed mine if I got married in my early 20's... but I didn't get engaged until I was in my early 30's and since that was my name for song I didn't see a reason to change it but if we had kids I wouldn't want to have a different name then them so I might have changed it but never got married.
I have a better idea! No one takes any more names! Father keeps, his name, mother keeps her name, and same goes for any other types of couples. For naming children, why should the father's last name always be used? Come to a decision as adults which last name you'd like to put there, or go get a professionally witnessed coin-toss. Heads = Mother's last name Tails = Father's last name. Does that work for everyone?
A woman shouldn't take her husband's name because he probably isn't through using it yet.
There are some cultures/traditions where the bride's last name becomes their new or additional middle name when they adopt their husband's last name. And I believe their original middle name was their mom's maiden name.
In my opinion, not changing your name can/will create headaches when dealing with children’s names in the future. Having the same last name as my children brooks no argument on who their mother is.
My mom changed her last name when she got married to my now stepdad because the first initial of her previous last name spelt out a naughty word when coupled with her first and middle initials. Thankfully, her current LN starts with the same initial as her maiden name.
My wife and I fused our last names. Neither of us wanted to give up our last name, but we absolutely wanted to be a part of each other's families. So we are now both! I guess that's an easier thing to do when you have no patriarchy expectations hovering over you (we're very much lesbians, so nobody expects one of us to be the "man of the house").
was married for over 3 decades. my new husband didn't like i was keeping my name. he was old world italian (that was his excuse for me "needing" to take his name.) for me it was two fold. first, i am adopted & i couldn't ask for a better dad. he didn't have kids of his own. i was 18 & judge told me i could just change my name. told him nope-i want it on my birth certificate. second: asked my hubby if he had been john doe all his life, got married & had to change his name to smith would he ever look in the mirror and see john smith? he said of course not-i'm john doe! and i replied: exactly. end of discussion.
IIRC this tradition stemmed from showing whose property the woman was; unmarried, she was her father's property, married she was her husband's property. Men don't own women, and if it matters THAT much then why don't men change their names?
Have you ever noticed that most computer apps are not set up to handle maiden/previous last names? This is because the society is male-driven and men don't usually change their last names. Consider Facebook. When people first got on there, they went looking for old friends and long-lost cousins. But women were less likely to be found if they had changed their last name. I tried to find a favorite old coworker, but couldn't remember her maiden name. I knew she'd gotten a divorce. And if you've ever had to change your last name in an app where they want to verify your last name, they very often don't have a good process. Some want you to send in original copies of very important papers! And they will send it back weeks later, as if there aren't 5 other places asking for the same thing. This would never be the case it were men who commonly changed their last name. (I'm a software developer and I've never ONCE heard a single technical requirement that made mention of maiden names.)
