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Daughter Reveals That Her Only Plan Is To Become A Stay-At-Home Mom And To Live With Parents Until Then, Her Mom Has None Of It
It’s true that our job shouldn’t define who we are, but whether we like it or not, many of us care a lot about our career and the path that it’s taking. And how could we not when from an early age we are asked who we want to be when we grow up, what kind of subject we are going to study and what kind of profession we are going to choose? So it becomes a norm to think about your future path, despite not knowing what you want to do or what your true calling is. But what if someone tells you that they don’t want any of those things? While there’s nothing wrong with not wanting a career that would take all of your time and very often put you in stressful positions, a person has to do something to at least provide for themselves. Reddit user @u/anallstar shared her situation online and asked others for their opinion on the matter after her 16-year-old daughter claimed that she doesn’t want to have a career or a job after she finishes school as her plan is to become a stay-at-home mom, suggesting that she wishes to be dependent on her husband. The story soon became viral with almost 27.5k upvotes as people were quick to show their support to the mom who tried to knock some sense into her daughter.
More Info: Reddit
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We live in times when life is full of various possibilities for us to grow, learn, and make something of ourselves
Image credits: Brian Evans (not the actual image)
The woman shared that while she understands the importance of being a stay-at-home parent as oftentimes it’s the only way things in the family might work out, she was quite scared after hearing that her daughter also wants to be a stay-at-home mom and… nothing more. The 16-year-old who is still in high school didn’t have any plans to go to college, find a job, or pursue some interests of her own as very often, this is the best time to experiment and try new things and hobbies as there aren’t too many responsibilities weighing on one’s shoulders.
However, this Reddit user was shocked after finding out that her daughter has no plans for her life except becoming a stay-at-home mom
Image credits: u/anallstar
The mom was understanding enough, telling her daughter that she doesn’t have to go to college as there are plenty of other ways she can learn things and find her way to provide for herself and her future family. However, her daughter didn’t see the point in working or trying other ways to make herself more independent as her “back-up plan”, in case something goes wrong, was to rely on her parents. Even after the author of the post pointed out that anything could happen in the future after which she and her husband won’t be able to take care of her, the young woman didn’t think that such a thing might happen.
The woman tried to explain to her daughter that she doesn’t have to go to college, but she has to learn how to provide for herself by finding a job
Image credits: u/anallstar
The 16-year-old thought that she doesn’t have to study or work as she plans to get married right after finishing high school
Image credits: DLSimaging (not the actual image)
OP once again tried to find out what her daughter’s plan after high school was as she was understanding enough and told her that she doesn’t have to go to college as this choice isn’t for everyone. The woman gave the 16-year-old many examples of what she could do to start earning her first money and gain valuable experience. She perhaps could go work in customer service, in reception, or in a call center, the possibilities are limitless. The answer to all of this was that after finishing school, the young woman would find a husband and get married.
The mom didn’t agree with her daughter’s plan, saying that it isn’t wise to be dependent on other people
Image credits: u/anallstar
While that might sound like some sort of plan, even being wife material, it might take a while to find someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Being realistic, the mom asked her daughter what she thinks she is going to do until then. Her answer was that she would stay at home, with her parents. After hearing this, OP had had enough and told her daughter that she isn’t welcome to stay at their house if she doesn’t plan on doing something with her life rather than just sit and wait for “a man to come and rescue her”. After this, the two women got into an argument as the 16-year-old didn’t think her mom was being fair to her, and the woman was mad at seeing how her daughter is about to waste her life.
And if her plan to find a husband won’t happen right away, the daughter thought she can live with her parents
Image credits: u/anallstar
The whole discussion devolved into an argument between the mother and daughter
Image credits: u/anallstar
A lot of Reddit users were interested in this story and supported the mother who wants the best for her daughter. Some were curious to know what the high-schooler does now and whether she is good at handling things that a good housewife should be able to do, giving some useful advice at what she could do once finished with school. The mom revealed that while her daughter is still in high school, she doesn’t do much other than going to her classes. People online also didn’t miss the opportunity to stress that OP’s daughter is being naive thinking that this plan of hers might come true. What is your take on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
Image credits: gromgull (not the actual image)
This whole conversation made the mother doubt herself, so she asked others online whether she was right
Image credits: u/anallstar
It might feel weird reading stories like this, having in mind how many years it has taken women to become independent and be considered equal to men in at least some aspects of life. What is interesting to see is the rise of a new TikTok trend that shows women doing various things around the house as a stay-at-home girlfriend or fiance. And surely these types of videos might provoke different reactions, some thinking that it’s wrong being dependent on someone, while others might secretly envy such a lifestyle. Whatever the thought might be, it’s important to remember that what we see on social media is not necessarily true. While these people film their elaborate face routines and what seem to be 30-minute coffee preparation rituals fitted into a 3-minute video, very often these “stay-at-home girlfriend” titles actually mean “work-from-home content creator or business owner”. What is an important takeaway from all of this is that the younger audience might interpret this content the wrong way.
Users online soon became interested in the story and were curious to find out if the 16-year-old had the right skills to become a housewife
Some people were quite straightforward by saying that the high-schooler had unrealistic expectations about life
Image credits: u/anallstar
What do you think ?
Potato 3 years ago
I think it's a great idea to put her in charge of chores and cooking. Want to be a SAHM? Great, here's some practice so you can be good at it. And then she can still fall back on the food industry with her newfound cooking skills.
ItsJess 3 years ago
She should do some babysitting or work in a daycare type environment- that might disabuse her of her desire to be nothing but a baby machine.
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Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
This kiddo is in for a rude awakening if and when she actually HAS kids, as to how much work they are. It sounds more like a 16-year-old's fantasy of living in (relative) lazy luxury, sipping wine with her pedicured feet up on the ottoman, while her husband works. I don't even have children, but I've cared for them often enough to know that even one DAY with full responsibilities for a child/infant is already a lot of work/constant activity. Unless OP's child really loves children, it might be rough :|
WildHoneyPie 3 years ago
This exactly! I watched my sister's two kids when they were three and about 8 months old for 4 days when I was seventeen. I was able to go home every night of course. I had hysterics for the first time in my life (I'm generally a very calm person, lol) when I got home at the end of the four days and my mom asked me to do something and my dad also and then my other sister. I was exhausted! It's fricking hard taking care of kids. This teen needs some real life experience.
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Hphizzle 3 years ago
I was the daughter until I was about 18 and realized I didn’t even want to go to prom with my high school boyfriend, let alone marry and have his kids. Didn’t plan on college or a career. My mom convinced me to go to community college by paying for it as long as I showed her my grades (I’m a sucker for free stuff, so of course I agreed). 20 year later, I have 2 masters degrees, teaching English in Japan, and still single and childless. She’ll figure it out. Keep motivating her. Keep talking her through her options. She’s listening but won’t ever admit it. And keep setting those boundaries.
N Miller 3 years ago
That last comment has got to be misplaced right? "Lawyer up, break up with her and take the kids"? There are so many things wrong with the context of this comment that I can only assume a) the poster has a cut and paste response to every AITA post; b) they're making a lame joke, or c) BP has a story collection error.
ItsJess 3 years ago
I'm pretty sure the commenter didn't read carefully enough and thought OP was the husband saying his wife just wanted to be a SAHM. At least, I hope.
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Rens 3 years ago
Whatever you choose to do with your life please make sure you have your own money.... During my marriage I had no access to any money; the next boyfriend I had was financially controlling. Unfortunately I've had to retire due to chronic illnesses, but my money is my own and I will never be in a situation where I don't have control over my finances again.
madamjoiedumort 3 years ago
I'm in that situation now and I can't do anything. I'm glad you got out.
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dxisy xo 3 years ago
you cant have both a sense of humour and lots of bored panda points, totally not said out of jealousy
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Suzi Q 3 years ago
I was kinda disappointed when asked if she's been given any chores or being taught any housekeeping skills, she said she's a high school student and doesn't do anything. I'm wondering if this is why the teen is so entitled. She's not really being prepared for adulthood if she's not expected to take on some household responsibility.
GirlFriday 3 years ago
I, too, wish to be a SAHM and have all of my bills paid and everything I need or want given to me, but I don't want the children. Can I be a stay at home dog mom?
Krysta Pandoo 3 years ago
Talk about failing as a parent that your kid thinks that's a future. Hope mum takes responsibility for raising that moron as well as getting on with some major damage control to set her right. Bloody hell.
lauralett50 3 years ago
That child is not gonna make it in this world. It takes two of us to pay all our bills, food,etc . The idea of SAHM is still working, just unpaid.
Monica Hoger 3 years ago
Her daughter sounds a bit like me when I was in high school, when I started to get sucked into the same mindset. Maybe the mom was a biiiit harsh, but I recall my parents telling me the same thing back then. And in the end, even when I did meet someone, I realized realized I actually like school, I DON'T want the housewife life, and my partner is fine with that. Sometimes it really is just a phase the daughter could be going through. I wonder what she's reading and watching online?
Fuyuuki Fukada 3 years ago
Yeah, the media could be the fault here. If mom in question shoots her daughter down right there, then why the blame is only on the parents? Girl has probably gone way too far inside before the mom found out (as in it's normal to ask your kids their future when they entered in a major milestone, such as moving on to highschool). I'd bet she is also having a "vision" of her "dream wedding" and will turn to a monstrous bridezilla too -_-'
Load More Replies... Shiloh StVincent 3 years ago
I gave tours and making small talk one day I asked people what they did. One couple the husband was an exec. The wife said "I stay home". I smiled and nodded condescending. Hubby jumped in and said " she manages the house" jeez yes that's a huge job when you think of it. She manages the kids lives. She manages the meals. She manages the pets. She manages the daily money. She keeps the house in order. She arranged to have the yard kept in order. When things break she arranged for repairs. Wow! She had a full time job. I will always be grateful to that guy for making me see that and the slap in the face that woke me up. Is OK to be a stay at home mom. It's hard work and alot of responsibility.
Erik Ivan 3 years ago
So in the mid 80's, my older sister doodled around going nowhere with school and her grades. Once our dad asked how she was going to get a job and manage to support herself when she turned adult. Sis said she was going to marriage a rich dude. That is the only time in my life I have seen dad angry. He just stood up, went outside and sat on the porch for an hour or so.
Christina R 3 years ago
So what happened to your sister in the end? Did she marry a rich guy and live happily ever after?
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Rajean Cornick 3 years ago
I would "let her see what her life is going to be" by letting her be the stat at home mom every day after school and every weekend for a month. She does all cleaning and cooking and entertains everyone else in the family when they get bored. No one else should do ANYTHING. If you are wanting to wear a favorite t shirt, take it to her to be washed. Tell her every time you are hungry so she can fix you something. Show her what the first 8-10 years of being a SAHM are really like.
SheilaWeila 3 years ago
She also might want to work at a daycare or be a nanny. That will give her experience with children.
Hphizzle 3 years ago
Nanny was my job fresh out of high school. Best birth control ever!! Such a wake up call to just how demanding raising children is (I wasn’t even a live in nanny, so I got a solid 8 hours of sleep every night).
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Hannah Bridges 3 years ago
Being a stay at home mom is perfectly normal and valid to want! BUT for safety you should have a back up degree. At this point in time though, she should definitely be doing her chores since that's a huge part of being a stay home mom. Kids make so much mess.
Stylishsidewaysbird 3 years ago
My mom only ever wanted to be a mom. Her entire life. But she also knew the life style she wanted to have and be able to provide and not just fully dependent on a man. She went to college, met my dad, they both graduated, got married and she went to professional school while my dad worked in a very lucrative field. She ended up with everything she wanted, she was a wonderful SAHM to us three kids. She loved/loves her life but she always knew she would be secure if anything happened.
Dana Sanford 3 years ago
I had a classmate that was like this. Whenever we would have Teachers talk to us about what we wanted to do after graduation, she would just say she wanted to be a sahm. She would go on how she was just going to get married, have kids, be a SAHM, and have a baby blue car. Now 20 years later, she's a wife, A mother to 2 elementary age kids, and works full time.
Wysteria_Rose 3 years ago
I remember interviewing an elderly woman who lived in the times when women being only SAHMs was expected. Her mother however insisted she get a job with skills, so she became a teacher. I still remember her saying, "You know, it's like my mother had a crystal ball. My husband died and left me with nothing but our daughter to take care of. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't working." So yes, being a SAHM is valid but it can't be your only plan if you want to have a structured home life.
Mama Panda 3 years ago
Tell your daughter she's going to need social security when she's older and SAHMs don't have that benefit. I was a SAHM for a few years but it didn't pay enough lol
Babsywabs 3 years ago
If you haven't instilled the value of hard work in your daughter by the time she's a teenager, then yes, you ARE a bit of an a-hole. I doubt that she just came to this decision about being a SAHM suddenly, out of the blue. Did you require her to do chores while she was growing up? Did you give her an allowance and make her responsible for purchasing her own treats or toys? Did she have to make her bed, or help with the dishes? Children need to be taught the value of hard work from a young age. She should have known these things long, long ago.
Justme 3 years ago
Omg… she has no idea that being a SAHM is way harder than any college program or job! She’s in for a rude awakening.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
Ya think lol. I've done both. Finally as a single mom I grew tired of juggling bills or kids clothing and shoes. So I became a truck driver, made massive money, married my true prince charming, lost him to leukemia 24 years later, had the most wonderful life a woman could be blessed with. All because I was tired of working for tips and on my feet all day and not ever getting a financial break. I brought to the table the same amount of money my precious hubby did. And he was the most amazing Daddy to my children. The word step wasn't in his vocabulary. My kids were his kids. Totally. We worked hard at our jobs and did great. When he was called on ahead of my my life ended for all intents and purposes. But I am so fortunate I decided to trade careers and strive for a higher paying one. Over all it blessed me and my kids greatly. I was part of the first wave of women truck drivers so I had to break thru the stigma of that. But I loved to drive and I always loved big trucks. Perfect choice
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Squirrelly Panda 3 years ago
I wonder what is going on with this girl, she sounds like she is overwhelmed with the thought of adulthood and all the responsibilities it'll entail and think SAHM is the easy path. If I remember right, 16 is when my school and family started pushing me on what I was going to do with my life. I felt like I had to choose 1 thing and map out an entire career to retirement with it. As an adult I know that where you start does not indicate where you'll end. Maybe tell the girl that SAHM is fine but life is full of unexpected things, it is good to have multiple skill sets so choose something to work on for now until she finds the right guy to be a supportive non abusive spouse that she can partner with. The key is partner, not someone to take care of her.
Rhonda Wandler 3 years ago
Boy o boy! Let me reiterate things you already know: it is great that you are talking with her about these things, she is only 16, point out to her the cost of living and different scenarios, and dont assume that professionals or rich people are happier than middle or lower incomes. Being a good mom is an admirable pursuit.
Praecordia 3 years ago
I think culinary field is a good idea for her. She can learn to cook and have something to fall back on. But def make her get a job. I’d make her get one asap because her entitlement is not cute.
Miocha 3 years ago
Mom's reason and intention is not bad at all. But, the daughter is still 16 years old, of course she still don't figure things out. If I were the mom, I'd try to ask why she wants to be a SAHM and refusing to open to another options? Maybe it's a sign about what's happening with the daughter right now that she sternly refused the idea to move out and be independent. Perhaps bullying, or something else.
StrangeOne 3 years ago
I thought she implied her daughter already has kids, the way this mom is going on and on about normal teenager fantasies. There were many things, some highly unrealistic to my life, that I wanted to be when I was a teenager. Just normal teenage fantasies.
DrBronxx 3 years ago (edited)
I wonder how old her daughter is. She may grow up and realise that life is just not that easy. I mean, she definitely WILL realise it, but hopefully the realisation will come before it's too late. I had an ex girlfriend who thought similar to this young woman. It wasn't the reason we broke up, but it was always something that bothered me. Her plan for the future (if we had stayed together) was for me to earn enough money so that she could be a SAHM. She had no interest in working, and wanted to quit her current job as soon as possible. To be honest, I have no problem in being the sole provider of a family if circumstances allow, but I DO have a problem on that being my partner's sole plan and expectation. I am not your meal ticket.
Amused panda 3 years ago
I was partway through the post before I realised OP's daughter planned on finding a husband, and didn't just plan on finding a baby daddy so she could live on child support/benefits. Well...to that I say best of luck to OP's daughter finding a hubby willing and able to financially support a SAHM and child(ren) without being a complete creep for wanting someone 16 just out of school...because that is what she is, a 16yo. Beyond that, I'd say if she's going to stay at home with no intent for further education, make her pay rent, and if she's not going to work straight away agree a limited period where she can 'pay' rent in kind by doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc whilst she looks for a job which can give her appropriate life skills. Encourage her to get experience with kids by working as a babysitter or at a day care, or another field which gives her life experience which would be both relevant to her wished SAHM future and a fall back/cv it this does not work.
Danish Susanne 3 years ago
Have you thought of putting her in charge of household, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. for a month?
Sheila Greene 3 years ago
First of all if my 16 yo child ever called me a b***h they would need to find a job asap because they would be out of my house. And no you are NTA. Does she already have a boyfriend who is considering military life or a boyfriend at all who she thinks wants to get married as soon as they graduate high school? It’s not guaranteed that if she does happen to catch the eye of someone in the plans military that he’ll make a career of it. And what happens if they’re unable to have children? She needs to understand being an adult whether married or not comes with responsibilities and even more so when children are involved. You should stress she will not be living in your household after graduating unless she continues her education, not necessarily college, or has a job and is able to provide some of the things she wants. As a matter of fact it would do her good to be working part time now since she does nothing else. Good luck with her. Btw is this your only child?
Susan Mercurio 3 years ago
Mom said, "She's in high school! She doesn't do anything else!" When I was in high school, I did all of the housework and some of the cooking. I helped my little sisters get ready for school in the mornings. I was responsible for ALL of the pets, and we had plenty! I don't think that the mother is TA, but she is falling down on the job by not teaching her daughter how to do housework if that's what her daughter wants to do for life. And she should be expecting the daughter to pitch in NOW.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
NTA at all. She has unrealistic views of her future. Stress to her that there's nothing wrong with being a sahm. But she needs some miles under her belt being a grown up first. Way before she starts trying to raise children. And if she is planning all of this soon after high school ask her what will she have to teach her children about having their own lives. Remember little girl they will grow up one day and is she going to be willing for them to have the same "" career "" she plans for herself. No she needs to get an education, career, or at least a trade. Marriages now a days seem to be very fragile. Many women are left to fend for themselves and support and raise children alone. I have 2 girls. They know how to do major remodeling in a house the basics of plumbing, and light auto repair. My youngest is in the military and my oldest is a warehouse manager and builds furniture out of pallets for extra money. I instill in them to be with a man bcuz they want to not bcuz they have to.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
Both of them are active and enjoy their lives. My little one has a boyfriend that she has been with since 9th grade. He to is military. My oldest has a BF she lives with. They get along so so but he knows she doesn't have to have him to support her or take care of her. She has that covered praise God. Both of them are very independent. However they aren't arrogant about it and would never make their partners feel like they don't need them in their lives. They just don't need their financial support. This girl needs to think about that. Her relationship will be much stronger if she knows she can do it alone. She's less likely to stay in an abusive relationship or an unhappy one. She would know she can take care of herself and her children should she have to. That alone is a liberating feeling. She can feel equal to her partner. Praying for Mother. She has a hard lesson to teach this girl and I do not envy her. Maybe she could make it a challenge to the teen. Be all you can be lol.
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Jessica Olson 3 years ago (edited)
My sister's goal was to have 8 kids, be a great mom. At 16 she started working hard, earning her own money. She's no push over and never would leave herself dependant on the whims of someone else. She's at kid 7 now and uses skills like budgeting, time management, cooking, cleaning, teaching, nurturing, and through it all has worked time to time if the family finances called for it (does the work from home call center job right now). Most of those skills to learn from her first few jobs in fast food, hospitality, and childcare. When my daughter was a baby she's have her first 4 boys, all under 7 at the time, dressed and in the car while I was still struggling to get my one ready (then she come help me). If one's goal is to truly be a stay-at-home mom there are many skills that are needed for job like that. You're basically the household manager. It's not an entry-level job if you're going to do it well. Ps- I was living with her for 6 months because my husband lost his job and we couldn't afford rent on just my income. What's this kid going to do if her meal ticket gets laid off??
Lirael Kl 3 years ago
This kid has no Idea just how much work being a sahm is! I have the feeling she wants to be a sahm, because she thinks it's easy. No. It's 24/7, no weekends or weekdays off! And another thing, understanding it's hard work and having some kind of plan in life comes from home. If she would have had to do chores around the house/work after school, if she was growing up in a home, where higher education or some kind of trade school is a given fact, not a far away option, she wouldn't be talking like this. Everything comes from home.
Be a better human 3 years ago (edited)
ETA...first if that is what she wants to do great SAHM is a full time job and a hard job. I credit all and any SAHM But it sounds like you never instilled any housework on this kid ever. Kids need chores rules ect..she didn't learn entitlement over night. YTA for not teaching your daughter early on the value and respect of your partner (finding a good person to be with) her comment makes her a gold digger. I bet she doesn't know how to deal with problems life ect..she is already 16 and I bet has never done work in her life that's on you...she will fall apart when life really gets hard. You taught her no life or coping skills. Im betting she looks on social media and thinks those women like that I can do that. I want that life. She needs to grow up big time hard lessons need to be learned. Send her to some farm for some hard labor working. Amish style you want stay at home life well these women will instill hard labor into your kid maybe enough to scare her
Yeah, okay. 3 years ago
I hate to break it to her, but marrying a rich man requires a few things: money for looks, money for clothes, and manners & etiquette . I don't mean snobbery, I mean knowing how rich people talk, act, how they even eat and behave. Oh, and you have to ķnow someone to introduce you. You think a rich fella lands in your lap? Lol, no, not unless you are a lucky escort. So to quote Britney Spears, "You Better Work, B*tch".
Yeah, okay. 3 years ago
Oh, and you want to know the easiest place to meet guys with well-off parents? A good college. Might want to hit those books.
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Eydís Leviatiem 3 years ago
While I would love to just be a house wife and not ruin more of my health than I already have by working. I know it's extremely shameful and everyone will hate you if you do it...so yeah....guess I'll have to shave off more years and ruin the progress in my mental health so I'm not looked down upon.
Tiffany Tesla 3 years ago
Former military married to military... There's a reason we have life insurance... We die. From fort hood, I know a few people who committed suicide. But honestly SOOO many more divorces. So much cheating... Like, SAHM is something like you KNOW your childhood sweetheart is going to be a computer engineer(not really going to die at work) and youre going to take care of the kids. Likelihood of divorce and such still there but honestly... I was beat to be a housewife and I hire someone once a week to do that job(cleaning).
Stephanie Reisner 3 years ago
Being a stay-at-home mom is hard. Being a working parent is hard. Being an adult is hard. That said, no person should ever be completely dependent on someone else. If that person they're dependent on dies, they'll end up living under a bridge.
SweetsEve 3 years ago
I always wanted to get married and be a wife. I would say this to mom when I was growing up, and she would say, it's good thing to have a nice marriage but you always need to know how you'll get by if your husband gets hit by a bus. She would say things like, "what if you're husband is sick, and you love your husband wouldn't you want to help? What if you have kids, don't you want them to be hungry or homeless. A responsible woman always is able to handle her responsibility." Because of my mom's good advice I've always had my own income. I'm blessed to have a husband who pays all the bills, but if I needed to I could.
EM Johnson 3 years ago
My daughter likes to tell me that her wake up call was my driving her to a section of subsidized apartments with huge letters on the buildings. I said if she got pregnant, would she prefer want a building that starts with her first name or the letter P for her fav color? No kids at 34. A friend would have her teen daughter babysit a young cousin. Wherever daughter went so did the cousin. Want to hang with friends at the mall? Take the cousin. She became a nurse.
Angela Schiller-Jones 3 years ago
NTA. Definitely. I'm a SAHM and I never wanted to be when I was younger. I have some college, worked jobs but then I became disabled and had no choice but to be a SAHM. It was a helluva wake up call to the finances without an extra paycheck until 10 yrs later, I won my SSDI. I don't have regrets but my point is: things can happen. Does she know anything about raising kids? The lack of sleep? Being on-call 24/7? Or is the daughter like my brother who wanted to be a SAHD? He was thinking it's so easy to be a parent and you just sit around doing nothing all day. I laughed when my brother told me this and explained to him my first year with both my kids after they were born and he STILL thought: "well, it won't be that hard with me because I know what I'm doing." Hoo boy. His first kid was a wake-up call because suddenly, babies cry a lot and he would scream at the infant. What if the kid has special needs? My eldest is autistic and youngest has phonetics disorder.
Michael Ormand 3 years ago
Wow! There is so much to unpack here. How did the daughter get to this point? I am a gay man, but the relationships are similar. I personally want a partner, not a dependent. I detest the idea of solely supporting someone who is physically and mentally capable of taking care of themselves. Also, I had a friend in high school like her. She went from a physically abusive relationship to marrying a military guy who kept her knocked up and financially abused her.
ALC M 3 years ago
It’s odd to me, that after 16 years the mom is just finding this out about her daughter.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Teenagers don't like to talk about their problems with their parents. I was the same way, for some things, but it's better being honest than lying.
Load More Replies... El MasChingon 3 years ago
she sounds like a complete POS i wonder where she failed as a parent
Pamela Blue 3 years ago (edited)
YTA only because you've let her live life up to 16 without giving her any "training" in life. You haven't given her any household chores to do, and she has spent her entire life "just" going to school, while you have done all the work around her. Now she is old enough, she has discovered that she is a lazy b&*ch and doesn't want to do anything. I get the impression that she thinks being a SAHM mom means sitting in a chair and reading all day or watching television. Mom, if you want to not be the AH, then start giving this girl some work to do, just because she LIVES there and should be contributing to the household with some chores. She should be doing her own laundry, having a schedule for days to clean, and perhaps a couple of days a week to cook the meal. She should no longer be allowed to be a lazy slob. If she refuses to do her chores, then she doesn't eat. At 16, it shouldn't take her long to figure it out.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
I don't know if mom is considered a failure if the kid thinks that, that might just be me tho. Kids get ideas from everywhere, the internet, teachers, friends. And being a SAHM is totally a serious job, just not one that you get paid for. It's a lot of work to look after kids. Don't bash SAHMs.
Load More Replies... Potato 3 years ago
I think it's a great idea to put her in charge of chores and cooking. Want to be a SAHM? Great, here's some practice so you can be good at it. And then she can still fall back on the food industry with her newfound cooking skills.
ItsJess 3 years ago
She should do some babysitting or work in a daycare type environment- that might disabuse her of her desire to be nothing but a baby machine.
Load More Replies... Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
This kiddo is in for a rude awakening if and when she actually HAS kids, as to how much work they are. It sounds more like a 16-year-old's fantasy of living in (relative) lazy luxury, sipping wine with her pedicured feet up on the ottoman, while her husband works. I don't even have children, but I've cared for them often enough to know that even one DAY with full responsibilities for a child/infant is already a lot of work/constant activity. Unless OP's child really loves children, it might be rough :|
WildHoneyPie 3 years ago
This exactly! I watched my sister's two kids when they were three and about 8 months old for 4 days when I was seventeen. I was able to go home every night of course. I had hysterics for the first time in my life (I'm generally a very calm person, lol) when I got home at the end of the four days and my mom asked me to do something and my dad also and then my other sister. I was exhausted! It's fricking hard taking care of kids. This teen needs some real life experience.
Load More Replies... Hphizzle 3 years ago
I was the daughter until I was about 18 and realized I didn’t even want to go to prom with my high school boyfriend, let alone marry and have his kids. Didn’t plan on college or a career. My mom convinced me to go to community college by paying for it as long as I showed her my grades (I’m a sucker for free stuff, so of course I agreed). 20 year later, I have 2 masters degrees, teaching English in Japan, and still single and childless. She’ll figure it out. Keep motivating her. Keep talking her through her options. She’s listening but won’t ever admit it. And keep setting those boundaries.
N Miller 3 years ago
That last comment has got to be misplaced right? "Lawyer up, break up with her and take the kids"? There are so many things wrong with the context of this comment that I can only assume a) the poster has a cut and paste response to every AITA post; b) they're making a lame joke, or c) BP has a story collection error.
ItsJess 3 years ago
I'm pretty sure the commenter didn't read carefully enough and thought OP was the husband saying his wife just wanted to be a SAHM. At least, I hope.
Load More Replies... Rens 3 years ago
Whatever you choose to do with your life please make sure you have your own money.... During my marriage I had no access to any money; the next boyfriend I had was financially controlling. Unfortunately I've had to retire due to chronic illnesses, but my money is my own and I will never be in a situation where I don't have control over my finances again.
madamjoiedumort 3 years ago
I'm in that situation now and I can't do anything. I'm glad you got out.
Load More Replies... dxisy xo 3 years ago
you cant have both a sense of humour and lots of bored panda points, totally not said out of jealousy
Load More Replies... Suzi Q 3 years ago
I was kinda disappointed when asked if she's been given any chores or being taught any housekeeping skills, she said she's a high school student and doesn't do anything. I'm wondering if this is why the teen is so entitled. She's not really being prepared for adulthood if she's not expected to take on some household responsibility.
GirlFriday 3 years ago
I, too, wish to be a SAHM and have all of my bills paid and everything I need or want given to me, but I don't want the children. Can I be a stay at home dog mom?
Krysta Pandoo 3 years ago
Talk about failing as a parent that your kid thinks that's a future. Hope mum takes responsibility for raising that moron as well as getting on with some major damage control to set her right. Bloody hell.
lauralett50 3 years ago
That child is not gonna make it in this world. It takes two of us to pay all our bills, food,etc . The idea of SAHM is still working, just unpaid.
Monica Hoger 3 years ago
Her daughter sounds a bit like me when I was in high school, when I started to get sucked into the same mindset. Maybe the mom was a biiiit harsh, but I recall my parents telling me the same thing back then. And in the end, even when I did meet someone, I realized realized I actually like school, I DON'T want the housewife life, and my partner is fine with that. Sometimes it really is just a phase the daughter could be going through. I wonder what she's reading and watching online?
Fuyuuki Fukada 3 years ago
Yeah, the media could be the fault here. If mom in question shoots her daughter down right there, then why the blame is only on the parents? Girl has probably gone way too far inside before the mom found out (as in it's normal to ask your kids their future when they entered in a major milestone, such as moving on to highschool). I'd bet she is also having a "vision" of her "dream wedding" and will turn to a monstrous bridezilla too -_-'
Load More Replies... Shiloh StVincent 3 years ago
I gave tours and making small talk one day I asked people what they did. One couple the husband was an exec. The wife said "I stay home". I smiled and nodded condescending. Hubby jumped in and said " she manages the house" jeez yes that's a huge job when you think of it. She manages the kids lives. She manages the meals. She manages the pets. She manages the daily money. She keeps the house in order. She arranged to have the yard kept in order. When things break she arranged for repairs. Wow! She had a full time job. I will always be grateful to that guy for making me see that and the slap in the face that woke me up. Is OK to be a stay at home mom. It's hard work and alot of responsibility.
Erik Ivan 3 years ago
So in the mid 80's, my older sister doodled around going nowhere with school and her grades. Once our dad asked how she was going to get a job and manage to support herself when she turned adult. Sis said she was going to marriage a rich dude. That is the only time in my life I have seen dad angry. He just stood up, went outside and sat on the porch for an hour or so.
Christina R 3 years ago
So what happened to your sister in the end? Did she marry a rich guy and live happily ever after?
Load More Replies... Rajean Cornick 3 years ago
I would "let her see what her life is going to be" by letting her be the stat at home mom every day after school and every weekend for a month. She does all cleaning and cooking and entertains everyone else in the family when they get bored. No one else should do ANYTHING. If you are wanting to wear a favorite t shirt, take it to her to be washed. Tell her every time you are hungry so she can fix you something. Show her what the first 8-10 years of being a SAHM are really like.
SheilaWeila 3 years ago
She also might want to work at a daycare or be a nanny. That will give her experience with children.
Hphizzle 3 years ago
Nanny was my job fresh out of high school. Best birth control ever!! Such a wake up call to just how demanding raising children is (I wasn’t even a live in nanny, so I got a solid 8 hours of sleep every night).
Load More Replies... Hannah Bridges 3 years ago
Being a stay at home mom is perfectly normal and valid to want! BUT for safety you should have a back up degree. At this point in time though, she should definitely be doing her chores since that's a huge part of being a stay home mom. Kids make so much mess.
Stylishsidewaysbird 3 years ago
My mom only ever wanted to be a mom. Her entire life. But she also knew the life style she wanted to have and be able to provide and not just fully dependent on a man. She went to college, met my dad, they both graduated, got married and she went to professional school while my dad worked in a very lucrative field. She ended up with everything she wanted, she was a wonderful SAHM to us three kids. She loved/loves her life but she always knew she would be secure if anything happened.
Dana Sanford 3 years ago
I had a classmate that was like this. Whenever we would have Teachers talk to us about what we wanted to do after graduation, she would just say she wanted to be a sahm. She would go on how she was just going to get married, have kids, be a SAHM, and have a baby blue car. Now 20 years later, she's a wife, A mother to 2 elementary age kids, and works full time.
Wysteria_Rose 3 years ago
I remember interviewing an elderly woman who lived in the times when women being only SAHMs was expected. Her mother however insisted she get a job with skills, so she became a teacher. I still remember her saying, "You know, it's like my mother had a crystal ball. My husband died and left me with nothing but our daughter to take care of. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't working." So yes, being a SAHM is valid but it can't be your only plan if you want to have a structured home life.
Mama Panda 3 years ago
Tell your daughter she's going to need social security when she's older and SAHMs don't have that benefit. I was a SAHM for a few years but it didn't pay enough lol
Babsywabs 3 years ago
If you haven't instilled the value of hard work in your daughter by the time she's a teenager, then yes, you ARE a bit of an a-hole. I doubt that she just came to this decision about being a SAHM suddenly, out of the blue. Did you require her to do chores while she was growing up? Did you give her an allowance and make her responsible for purchasing her own treats or toys? Did she have to make her bed, or help with the dishes? Children need to be taught the value of hard work from a young age. She should have known these things long, long ago.
Justme 3 years ago
Omg… she has no idea that being a SAHM is way harder than any college program or job! She’s in for a rude awakening.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
Ya think lol. I've done both. Finally as a single mom I grew tired of juggling bills or kids clothing and shoes. So I became a truck driver, made massive money, married my true prince charming, lost him to leukemia 24 years later, had the most wonderful life a woman could be blessed with. All because I was tired of working for tips and on my feet all day and not ever getting a financial break. I brought to the table the same amount of money my precious hubby did. And he was the most amazing Daddy to my children. The word step wasn't in his vocabulary. My kids were his kids. Totally. We worked hard at our jobs and did great. When he was called on ahead of my my life ended for all intents and purposes. But I am so fortunate I decided to trade careers and strive for a higher paying one. Over all it blessed me and my kids greatly. I was part of the first wave of women truck drivers so I had to break thru the stigma of that. But I loved to drive and I always loved big trucks. Perfect choice
Load More Replies... Squirrelly Panda 3 years ago
I wonder what is going on with this girl, she sounds like she is overwhelmed with the thought of adulthood and all the responsibilities it'll entail and think SAHM is the easy path. If I remember right, 16 is when my school and family started pushing me on what I was going to do with my life. I felt like I had to choose 1 thing and map out an entire career to retirement with it. As an adult I know that where you start does not indicate where you'll end. Maybe tell the girl that SAHM is fine but life is full of unexpected things, it is good to have multiple skill sets so choose something to work on for now until she finds the right guy to be a supportive non abusive spouse that she can partner with. The key is partner, not someone to take care of her.
Rhonda Wandler 3 years ago
Boy o boy! Let me reiterate things you already know: it is great that you are talking with her about these things, she is only 16, point out to her the cost of living and different scenarios, and dont assume that professionals or rich people are happier than middle or lower incomes. Being a good mom is an admirable pursuit.
Praecordia 3 years ago
I think culinary field is a good idea for her. She can learn to cook and have something to fall back on. But def make her get a job. I’d make her get one asap because her entitlement is not cute.
Miocha 3 years ago
Mom's reason and intention is not bad at all. But, the daughter is still 16 years old, of course she still don't figure things out. If I were the mom, I'd try to ask why she wants to be a SAHM and refusing to open to another options? Maybe it's a sign about what's happening with the daughter right now that she sternly refused the idea to move out and be independent. Perhaps bullying, or something else.
StrangeOne 3 years ago
I thought she implied her daughter already has kids, the way this mom is going on and on about normal teenager fantasies. There were many things, some highly unrealistic to my life, that I wanted to be when I was a teenager. Just normal teenage fantasies.
DrBronxx 3 years ago (edited)
I wonder how old her daughter is. She may grow up and realise that life is just not that easy. I mean, she definitely WILL realise it, but hopefully the realisation will come before it's too late. I had an ex girlfriend who thought similar to this young woman. It wasn't the reason we broke up, but it was always something that bothered me. Her plan for the future (if we had stayed together) was for me to earn enough money so that she could be a SAHM. She had no interest in working, and wanted to quit her current job as soon as possible. To be honest, I have no problem in being the sole provider of a family if circumstances allow, but I DO have a problem on that being my partner's sole plan and expectation. I am not your meal ticket.
Amused panda 3 years ago
I was partway through the post before I realised OP's daughter planned on finding a husband, and didn't just plan on finding a baby daddy so she could live on child support/benefits. Well...to that I say best of luck to OP's daughter finding a hubby willing and able to financially support a SAHM and child(ren) without being a complete creep for wanting someone 16 just out of school...because that is what she is, a 16yo. Beyond that, I'd say if she's going to stay at home with no intent for further education, make her pay rent, and if she's not going to work straight away agree a limited period where she can 'pay' rent in kind by doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc whilst she looks for a job which can give her appropriate life skills. Encourage her to get experience with kids by working as a babysitter or at a day care, or another field which gives her life experience which would be both relevant to her wished SAHM future and a fall back/cv it this does not work.
Danish Susanne 3 years ago
Have you thought of putting her in charge of household, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. for a month?
Sheila Greene 3 years ago
First of all if my 16 yo child ever called me a b***h they would need to find a job asap because they would be out of my house. And no you are NTA. Does she already have a boyfriend who is considering military life or a boyfriend at all who she thinks wants to get married as soon as they graduate high school? It’s not guaranteed that if she does happen to catch the eye of someone in the plans military that he’ll make a career of it. And what happens if they’re unable to have children? She needs to understand being an adult whether married or not comes with responsibilities and even more so when children are involved. You should stress she will not be living in your household after graduating unless she continues her education, not necessarily college, or has a job and is able to provide some of the things she wants. As a matter of fact it would do her good to be working part time now since she does nothing else. Good luck with her. Btw is this your only child?
Susan Mercurio 3 years ago
Mom said, "She's in high school! She doesn't do anything else!" When I was in high school, I did all of the housework and some of the cooking. I helped my little sisters get ready for school in the mornings. I was responsible for ALL of the pets, and we had plenty! I don't think that the mother is TA, but she is falling down on the job by not teaching her daughter how to do housework if that's what her daughter wants to do for life. And she should be expecting the daughter to pitch in NOW.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
NTA at all. She has unrealistic views of her future. Stress to her that there's nothing wrong with being a sahm. But she needs some miles under her belt being a grown up first. Way before she starts trying to raise children. And if she is planning all of this soon after high school ask her what will she have to teach her children about having their own lives. Remember little girl they will grow up one day and is she going to be willing for them to have the same "" career "" she plans for herself. No she needs to get an education, career, or at least a trade. Marriages now a days seem to be very fragile. Many women are left to fend for themselves and support and raise children alone. I have 2 girls. They know how to do major remodeling in a house the basics of plumbing, and light auto repair. My youngest is in the military and my oldest is a warehouse manager and builds furniture out of pallets for extra money. I instill in them to be with a man bcuz they want to not bcuz they have to.
Tammy Lanier 3 years ago
Both of them are active and enjoy their lives. My little one has a boyfriend that she has been with since 9th grade. He to is military. My oldest has a BF she lives with. They get along so so but he knows she doesn't have to have him to support her or take care of her. She has that covered praise God. Both of them are very independent. However they aren't arrogant about it and would never make their partners feel like they don't need them in their lives. They just don't need their financial support. This girl needs to think about that. Her relationship will be much stronger if she knows she can do it alone. She's less likely to stay in an abusive relationship or an unhappy one. She would know she can take care of herself and her children should she have to. That alone is a liberating feeling. She can feel equal to her partner. Praying for Mother. She has a hard lesson to teach this girl and I do not envy her. Maybe she could make it a challenge to the teen. Be all you can be lol.
Load More Replies... Jessica Olson 3 years ago (edited)
My sister's goal was to have 8 kids, be a great mom. At 16 she started working hard, earning her own money. She's no push over and never would leave herself dependant on the whims of someone else. She's at kid 7 now and uses skills like budgeting, time management, cooking, cleaning, teaching, nurturing, and through it all has worked time to time if the family finances called for it (does the work from home call center job right now). Most of those skills to learn from her first few jobs in fast food, hospitality, and childcare. When my daughter was a baby she's have her first 4 boys, all under 7 at the time, dressed and in the car while I was still struggling to get my one ready (then she come help me). If one's goal is to truly be a stay-at-home mom there are many skills that are needed for job like that. You're basically the household manager. It's not an entry-level job if you're going to do it well. Ps- I was living with her for 6 months because my husband lost his job and we couldn't afford rent on just my income. What's this kid going to do if her meal ticket gets laid off??
Lirael Kl 3 years ago
This kid has no Idea just how much work being a sahm is! I have the feeling she wants to be a sahm, because she thinks it's easy. No. It's 24/7, no weekends or weekdays off! And another thing, understanding it's hard work and having some kind of plan in life comes from home. If she would have had to do chores around the house/work after school, if she was growing up in a home, where higher education or some kind of trade school is a given fact, not a far away option, she wouldn't be talking like this. Everything comes from home.
Be a better human 3 years ago (edited)
ETA...first if that is what she wants to do great SAHM is a full time job and a hard job. I credit all and any SAHM But it sounds like you never instilled any housework on this kid ever. Kids need chores rules ect..she didn't learn entitlement over night. YTA for not teaching your daughter early on the value and respect of your partner (finding a good person to be with) her comment makes her a gold digger. I bet she doesn't know how to deal with problems life ect..she is already 16 and I bet has never done work in her life that's on you...she will fall apart when life really gets hard. You taught her no life or coping skills. Im betting she looks on social media and thinks those women like that I can do that. I want that life. She needs to grow up big time hard lessons need to be learned. Send her to some farm for some hard labor working. Amish style you want stay at home life well these women will instill hard labor into your kid maybe enough to scare her
Yeah, okay. 3 years ago
I hate to break it to her, but marrying a rich man requires a few things: money for looks, money for clothes, and manners & etiquette . I don't mean snobbery, I mean knowing how rich people talk, act, how they even eat and behave. Oh, and you have to ķnow someone to introduce you. You think a rich fella lands in your lap? Lol, no, not unless you are a lucky escort. So to quote Britney Spears, "You Better Work, B*tch".
Yeah, okay. 3 years ago
Oh, and you want to know the easiest place to meet guys with well-off parents? A good college. Might want to hit those books.
Load More Replies... Eydís Leviatiem 3 years ago
While I would love to just be a house wife and not ruin more of my health than I already have by working. I know it's extremely shameful and everyone will hate you if you do it...so yeah....guess I'll have to shave off more years and ruin the progress in my mental health so I'm not looked down upon.
Tiffany Tesla 3 years ago
Former military married to military... There's a reason we have life insurance... We die. From fort hood, I know a few people who committed suicide. But honestly SOOO many more divorces. So much cheating... Like, SAHM is something like you KNOW your childhood sweetheart is going to be a computer engineer(not really going to die at work) and youre going to take care of the kids. Likelihood of divorce and such still there but honestly... I was beat to be a housewife and I hire someone once a week to do that job(cleaning).
Stephanie Reisner 3 years ago
Being a stay-at-home mom is hard. Being a working parent is hard. Being an adult is hard. That said, no person should ever be completely dependent on someone else. If that person they're dependent on dies, they'll end up living under a bridge.
SweetsEve 3 years ago
I always wanted to get married and be a wife. I would say this to mom when I was growing up, and she would say, it's good thing to have a nice marriage but you always need to know how you'll get by if your husband gets hit by a bus. She would say things like, "what if you're husband is sick, and you love your husband wouldn't you want to help? What if you have kids, don't you want them to be hungry or homeless. A responsible woman always is able to handle her responsibility." Because of my mom's good advice I've always had my own income. I'm blessed to have a husband who pays all the bills, but if I needed to I could.
EM Johnson 3 years ago
My daughter likes to tell me that her wake up call was my driving her to a section of subsidized apartments with huge letters on the buildings. I said if she got pregnant, would she prefer want a building that starts with her first name or the letter P for her fav color? No kids at 34. A friend would have her teen daughter babysit a young cousin. Wherever daughter went so did the cousin. Want to hang with friends at the mall? Take the cousin. She became a nurse.
Angela Schiller-Jones 3 years ago
NTA. Definitely. I'm a SAHM and I never wanted to be when I was younger. I have some college, worked jobs but then I became disabled and had no choice but to be a SAHM. It was a helluva wake up call to the finances without an extra paycheck until 10 yrs later, I won my SSDI. I don't have regrets but my point is: things can happen. Does she know anything about raising kids? The lack of sleep? Being on-call 24/7? Or is the daughter like my brother who wanted to be a SAHD? He was thinking it's so easy to be a parent and you just sit around doing nothing all day. I laughed when my brother told me this and explained to him my first year with both my kids after they were born and he STILL thought: "well, it won't be that hard with me because I know what I'm doing." Hoo boy. His first kid was a wake-up call because suddenly, babies cry a lot and he would scream at the infant. What if the kid has special needs? My eldest is autistic and youngest has phonetics disorder.
Michael Ormand 3 years ago
Wow! There is so much to unpack here. How did the daughter get to this point? I am a gay man, but the relationships are similar. I personally want a partner, not a dependent. I detest the idea of solely supporting someone who is physically and mentally capable of taking care of themselves. Also, I had a friend in high school like her. She went from a physically abusive relationship to marrying a military guy who kept her knocked up and financially abused her.
ALC M 3 years ago
It’s odd to me, that after 16 years the mom is just finding this out about her daughter.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Teenagers don't like to talk about their problems with their parents. I was the same way, for some things, but it's better being honest than lying.
Load More Replies... El MasChingon 3 years ago
she sounds like a complete POS i wonder where she failed as a parent
Pamela Blue 3 years ago (edited)
YTA only because you've let her live life up to 16 without giving her any "training" in life. You haven't given her any household chores to do, and she has spent her entire life "just" going to school, while you have done all the work around her. Now she is old enough, she has discovered that she is a lazy b&*ch and doesn't want to do anything. I get the impression that she thinks being a SAHM mom means sitting in a chair and reading all day or watching television. Mom, if you want to not be the AH, then start giving this girl some work to do, just because she LIVES there and should be contributing to the household with some chores. She should be doing her own laundry, having a schedule for days to clean, and perhaps a couple of days a week to cook the meal. She should no longer be allowed to be a lazy slob. If she refuses to do her chores, then she doesn't eat. At 16, it shouldn't take her long to figure it out.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 3 years ago
I don't know if mom is considered a failure if the kid thinks that, that might just be me tho. Kids get ideas from everywhere, the internet, teachers, friends. And being a SAHM is totally a serious job, just not one that you get paid for. It's a lot of work to look after kids. Don't bash SAHMs.
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