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“The Will Is Pretty Airtight”: Woman Refuses To Share Inheritance With Family Who Betrayed Her
Interview With ExpertMoney complicates relationships, and more so if they were difficult to begin with. When that money comes from within the family, say, an inheritance, some family members might feel entitled to at least a portion of it. Unfortunately, past grievances and wrongdoings often come into play, as old wounds might get reopened.
A few months back, a woman asked the Internet whether she would be a jerk if she didn’t share the money her grandpa had left her with the rest of the family. Because her sister’s past actions caused a rift between them, she had hardly any contact with her parents. But when her loving grandfather decided to leave everything in his will to her, the family members came a-knocking.
Bored Panda reached out to Certified Financial Therapist and Marriage and Family Therapist Nathan Astle. He was kind enough to tell us how people can navigate the issues an inheritance might bring regarding family relationships and what the most effective ways to maintain financial boundaries are.
RELATED:
When one person in the family inherits money and others don’t, there’s bound to be conflict
Image credits: Craig Adderley / pexels (not the actual photo)
This woman shared a story of how her family members felt entitled to her inheritance
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Gustavo Fring / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pretend_Canary_9411
LMFT and Certified Financial Therapist Nathan Astle tells Bored Panda the woman doesn’t owe her family anything
“Inheritances often bring up really big feelings about family dynamics,” the financial and family therapist, Nathan Astle, explains. “Even if things were ‘split up evenly,’ I don’t think it would actually fix the underlying resentment that family members are feeling with each other,” he comments on the situation.
“If the grandpa’s wishes were crystal clear, then that really should be the end of it. The quote of ‘do the right thing’ from [the] parents is certainly emotionally manipulative,” he points out. “This may be strong language, but it is true. If family members want close relationships that are safe enough to talk about financial need[s], then they need to respect each other and treat each other better.”
“In this case, it seems like there has been a consistent pattern of emotional unsafety, in which case I would encourage this person to keep the emotional and financial boundaries that keep her safe,” the financial therapist tells Bored Panda.
Astle emphasizes the importance of drawing and maintaining boundaries. “Financial boundaries are just about explaining what is and isn’t safe,” he says. “If past betrayals are not worked through with genuine intention and effort, I see emotional safety [as] difficult to develop.”
“Her family members aren’t asking for a loan, they are asking for a gift,” the financial therapist says. “Grandpa left her the money, not them. A gift given in resentment just isn’t a gift. In this case, I’d say that financial boundaries mean being able to say no if you don’t feel good about something. In order for a ‘yes’ to be a ‘yes,’ ‘no’ must be an option.”
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Forcing the sisters to reconcile might only backfire
Another problem in this story is that the woman feels estranged from her parents and sister to some degree. Due to the sister’s behavior in the past and the fact that the parents took her side, she feels unable to have a relationship with them.
The family thinks that they’re entitled to a portion of the inheritance simply because they’re family. They also don’t understand why their daughter doesn’t want to reconcile with her sister and accuse her of being vindictive. They don’t seem to realize that the OP is not ready to reconcile with them or her sister.
In a previous article, family estrangement expert Karl Melvin explained to Bored Panda that family members might push for reconciliation because they value familial relations above all else. Some people think that blood ties trump any negative history and can’t understand why a family member might not want anything to do with them.
But family members shouldn’t force the estranged person to make up. In fact, forced reconciliation often does more harm than good. “Not everyone has the same concept of what reconciliation is,” Melvin explained. “Some view it as a continuation of the old relationship as opposed to a genuine effort to reflect on mistakes made and work towards creating a more respectful and healthier relationship.”
As trauma psychotherapist Amanda Ann Gregory told Bored Panda in a previous interview, reconciliation with estranged family members does not equal forgiveness. “Reconciliation does not wipe the slate clean, nor does it dictate what the relationship will become,” she said.
Gregory claims that one of the main reasons people remain estranged is that one party doesn’t feel safe. “They may not feel safe to have any relationship with a family member for multiple reasons, such as it feels too overwhelming and emotionally unsafe to address their own childhood trauma, lack of attachment, guilt, shame, and make any needed changes in order to reconcile.”
Image credits: Liza Summer / pexels (not the actual photo)
It turns out the daughter took care of the grandpa as his life was nearing its end
People’s verdict was that the granddaughter was not the AH here
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What do you think ?
Full of Giggles 1 year ago
I inherited my wealth almost the same exact way. My first husband and his mother abused me. They did everything in their power to make my life miserable after I filed for divorced. I was homeless for 3 years because of them. I was very close to my ex’s maternal grandmother. When she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I took time off work to take care of her. Not once did her daughter or grandson bother to call or visit before she died. Gram’s sister and I were the only ones with her when she passed. Gram’s absolutely resented the way my ex and his mother treated me. Unbeknownst to anyone, myself included, she cut both of them out of her will and made me the sole heir to her estate.
Caro Caro 1 year ago
Sorry you had to go through this (abuse) and I'm sorry for your loss. How lovely that you took care of your grandmother - that's love :)
Load More Replies...
Gen X Feral 1 year ago (edited)
Oh F them and the clown car they road in on. Her Pawpaw would be PISSSED if she gave them a dime. So precious she was just happy to inherit his dog and some keepsakes 🥰
Becca not Becky 1 year ago
Being a caregiver like that is hard work, especially if there's chemo involved. She deserves every coin of that Inheritance.
Valaun 1 year ago
As someone already pointed out, there was plenty of time for her parents to patch up the relationship with his dad. Bad decisions made when people are young can be problematic. It's the "what happens next" that defines the future. The parents were in a tough spot. One daughter hurt the other badly by acting horribly. Then she pays the price she earned by her actions which caused a mental breakdown. As parents that love both kids, they had to support both in a very trying time (if anyone thinks they should have dropped their daughter that had a breakdown, you never had kids you loved. It doesn't work that way). They blew it, especially by expecting the one to "get over it", and the OP left. It is that event that should have woken them up to their error. They should have done everything to make it right, including squaring it up with the Granddad. Instead they doubled down. I doubt they knew PawPaw had money. And, even accounting for bias in the story, the OP should keep it.
Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago
Sounds like the chickens have come home to roost. Serves those jerks right! Go to Hawaii and laugh it up on the beach.
Israel Martinez 1 year ago
The mention of the incident being an "accident" is really grinding my gears ...
ERMAHGERD DINOSAURS 1 year ago
Family doesn’t end with blood…and it doesn’t start there either. These people sound positively toxic, shameless and despicable. Those three things means they deserve nothing but NC
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 1 year ago
Girlfriend... you earned that inheritance. Take the money and run! Screw the rest of the family, who couldn't take the time to take care of grandpa, and who didn't back you up when you needed it. Scorched earth indeed! I love it.
varwenea 1 year ago
F them all. Sounds like she is understating the favoritism that her older sister has received over her their entire lives. That explains why the parents easily dismissed her angst over the betrayal. Bravo to grandpa who saw things clearly, received care accordingly, and expressed his appreciation, too.
Natasha Clark 1 year ago (edited)
NTA!! Sorry for your loss but don't give them a penny of that money. Go full NC & get a lawyer ASAP. This is just the beginning of them putting up a fight to take it all from you. I guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn't give or leave you any of it.
Guess Undheit 1 year ago
Cut off all contact. Change your number, change your address. Block and cut off anyone willing to be a flying monkey. [ ........... ] I cut off a toxic "family" over 20 years ago. It was the best decision ever, and I got ZERO money of what they had. Safety and freedom are invaluable.
Karen Lloyd 1 year ago
She should absolutely honour his wishes & keep it all or give it to charity, but, definitely not to sister & parents! Its "reap what you sow" not sew, sorry but I've seen this several times in comments & it really bugs me! Yes I am on the spectrum 😂
dremetrius 1 year ago
If I were in her boots, I think I'd set up a trust fund for each of them. But not enough to live on. Just enough for, say, a subway sandwich once a week. By cheque, so they had to put more effort into getting the money than they ever put into their relationship with me. So that every week they'd have to remember me and justify their actions to themselves every week, while I hired a trustee to do the work and then went on living my best life without ever having to think of them again. Except maybe a pre-printed Christmas card every year, with a typed, photocopied letter detailing my wonderful year, and an extra $10 "to spend on whatever you like".
Kim Lorton 1 year ago
The AH family members deserve nothing! She needs to go on and have a beautiful life free from them all, as her Pawpaw wished! Do not let him down! Besides, the best revenge, is a life well lived! Go complete no contact snd do not look back! Besides, do the parents really think that their toxic daughter they love so much, would ever care for them in their last years of life? Or help the healthy parent take care of the sick parent? Heck no! Be free and be happy!!!
Skye Ragsdale 1 year ago
I wouldn't share with the family, but if it's really "set for life money" I hope OP shares with nonprofits and/or charities. Improve the lives of people who deserve it!
LtKernelPanic 1 year ago
She should share some with them. Precisely 35 cents each* and tell them to call someone who cares. *before cell phones became affordable and common in the US in the early 2000s payphones used to cost 35 cents for a local call.
The Starsong Princess 1 year ago
I’ve got less condemnation for the sister than others - you have to be very mentally ill to be hospitalized and unable to work. Sleeping with your sister’s fiancé is something that you might do in an extreme mania. That said, op says there is a pattern of favoritism by the parents and other issues with the grandfather. Op has to make a decision. She has to decide if she ever wants a relationship with her parents. If yes, then she needs to give them some of the money. If no, then she doesn’t share the inheritance and cuts them off completely. She cannot have both a relationship and all the money. I think she doesn’t want the relationship. That’s fair.
Tanya Phillips 1 year ago
Manic as it may have been, she knew it was wrong. Did it anyway. Never apologised. That's straight up toxic and she's not to be trusted.
Load More Replies...
Wayne Gossman 1 year ago
Your grandfather was a steward of his belongings. He felt you were the best person to pass these responsibilities on to. If you ignore his wisdom and quickly back out of this responsibility by giving money to family who may not manage it well you are being disrespectful of his carefully considered choices. If you give them a portion of this eastate and they waste it they will keep coming back to you for more long after they have you in a deeper hole than they are in! You are a steward of your skills, time, energy, possessions, and now your grandfather’s money. Be a wise steward. If you have more than you need, consider helping others make healthy changes. If family comes to you confessing they have made mistakes but have learned from the mistakes. If they humbly tell you their plan to do better and ask for your help, you can consider, “What would he have done?” and then carefully consider if you can make a positive difference.
elfin 1 year ago
If you don't want to give them anything, then don't. You don't have to argue about it or explain yourself. "No" means no. It is a healthy thing to do to distance yourself from toxic people and relatives are no exception. Learning to accept that results in some very nice feelings: calm, freedom, less stress and fear, etc.
Massetgirl72 1 year ago
OP should reimburse her parents for every penny her parents paid for her post-secondary education. If they paid nothing, then she owes them nothing. I suspect she probably paid for her own education and she should point that out to her parents.
WineDrinker2022 1 year ago (edited)
If you put out any money towards them, it should be explicitly said that this is the only money that will get and that this is to completely sever ties with them. They show up again, restraining orders will be placed and enforced.
Melissa anderson 1 year ago
When you treat someone like c**p, you’re going to have to live with the consequences. Her parents and sister do not deserve a penny from HER inheritance.
KYLE 1 year ago
I would simply stick w/ 'it was grandpa's wishes and you know that'. I have a very nice CD that my grandmother left me and for whatever reason it was to be kept between myself and my parents. I haven't the foggiest idea why she didn't want my brother to know about it, but he still doesn't know about it several decades on. He is the beneficiary so there's no real reason he shouldn't or couldn't know, but my mother and I still uphold grandma's wish.
Nick Disney 1 year ago
NTA, all the way. But it seems like in your heart you know there's more to it than this. Your sister sounds like she has a mental illness and needs help. I may be old school, but I believe that forgiveness is really for you so you can heal and be whole. Just a crazy idea...if it doesn't hurt you to give a little, you can extend some of the money as token measure of forgiveness on your part but make it clear that's it, nothing more. If it's received by the family with gratitude and grace (not likely) then maybe there is a chance you can reconcile with that part of your family one day? If they don't respond well to that, then you never have to wonder again about that part of your family for the rest of your life. Take this all with skepticism of a random guy on the internet though....
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
You've got some good points but at the same time. Its NOT on her to do that. She doesn't have to forgive, just move on. And i think giving them ANY money is a bad idea because itll just encourage this behaviour.
Load More Replies... millac 1 year ago
The ex fiance guy definitely seems predatory if he drove someone into the hospital, and the sister particularly vulnerable/ weak if this guy could do this level of damage to her. I get why the parents went neutral on the subject after the oldest was literally hospitalized and the scumbag man was out of the picture. I also understand why the parents would be distant with the grandpa if the daughter who was literally avoiding them was living with him and grandpa had previously yelled at them for trying to help their very messed up oldest. On the whole, everyone sucks and no one is a saint her. Grandpa was petty, OP is stubborn and vindictive, the parents placid and trying for the easiest path, and the older sister has mental issues.
Full of Giggles 1 year ago
I inherited my wealth almost the same exact way. My first husband and his mother abused me. They did everything in their power to make my life miserable after I filed for divorced. I was homeless for 3 years because of them. I was very close to my ex’s maternal grandmother. When she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I took time off work to take care of her. Not once did her daughter or grandson bother to call or visit before she died. Gram’s sister and I were the only ones with her when she passed. Gram’s absolutely resented the way my ex and his mother treated me. Unbeknownst to anyone, myself included, she cut both of them out of her will and made me the sole heir to her estate.
Caro Caro 1 year ago
Sorry you had to go through this (abuse) and I'm sorry for your loss. How lovely that you took care of your grandmother - that's love :)
Load More Replies... Gen X Feral 1 year ago (edited)
Oh F them and the clown car they road in on. Her Pawpaw would be PISSSED if she gave them a dime. So precious she was just happy to inherit his dog and some keepsakes 🥰
Becca not Becky 1 year ago
Being a caregiver like that is hard work, especially if there's chemo involved. She deserves every coin of that Inheritance.
Valaun 1 year ago
As someone already pointed out, there was plenty of time for her parents to patch up the relationship with his dad. Bad decisions made when people are young can be problematic. It's the "what happens next" that defines the future. The parents were in a tough spot. One daughter hurt the other badly by acting horribly. Then she pays the price she earned by her actions which caused a mental breakdown. As parents that love both kids, they had to support both in a very trying time (if anyone thinks they should have dropped their daughter that had a breakdown, you never had kids you loved. It doesn't work that way). They blew it, especially by expecting the one to "get over it", and the OP left. It is that event that should have woken them up to their error. They should have done everything to make it right, including squaring it up with the Granddad. Instead they doubled down. I doubt they knew PawPaw had money. And, even accounting for bias in the story, the OP should keep it.
Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago
Sounds like the chickens have come home to roost. Serves those jerks right! Go to Hawaii and laugh it up on the beach.
Israel Martinez 1 year ago
The mention of the incident being an "accident" is really grinding my gears ...
ERMAHGERD DINOSAURS 1 year ago
Family doesn’t end with blood…and it doesn’t start there either. These people sound positively toxic, shameless and despicable. Those three things means they deserve nothing but NC
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 1 year ago
Girlfriend... you earned that inheritance. Take the money and run! Screw the rest of the family, who couldn't take the time to take care of grandpa, and who didn't back you up when you needed it. Scorched earth indeed! I love it.
varwenea 1 year ago
F them all. Sounds like she is understating the favoritism that her older sister has received over her their entire lives. That explains why the parents easily dismissed her angst over the betrayal. Bravo to grandpa who saw things clearly, received care accordingly, and expressed his appreciation, too.
Natasha Clark 1 year ago (edited)
NTA!! Sorry for your loss but don't give them a penny of that money. Go full NC & get a lawyer ASAP. This is just the beginning of them putting up a fight to take it all from you. I guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot they wouldn't give or leave you any of it.
Guess Undheit 1 year ago
Cut off all contact. Change your number, change your address. Block and cut off anyone willing to be a flying monkey. [ ........... ] I cut off a toxic "family" over 20 years ago. It was the best decision ever, and I got ZERO money of what they had. Safety and freedom are invaluable.
Karen Lloyd 1 year ago
She should absolutely honour his wishes & keep it all or give it to charity, but, definitely not to sister & parents! Its "reap what you sow" not sew, sorry but I've seen this several times in comments & it really bugs me! Yes I am on the spectrum 😂
dremetrius 1 year ago
If I were in her boots, I think I'd set up a trust fund for each of them. But not enough to live on. Just enough for, say, a subway sandwich once a week. By cheque, so they had to put more effort into getting the money than they ever put into their relationship with me. So that every week they'd have to remember me and justify their actions to themselves every week, while I hired a trustee to do the work and then went on living my best life without ever having to think of them again. Except maybe a pre-printed Christmas card every year, with a typed, photocopied letter detailing my wonderful year, and an extra $10 "to spend on whatever you like".
Kim Lorton 1 year ago
The AH family members deserve nothing! She needs to go on and have a beautiful life free from them all, as her Pawpaw wished! Do not let him down! Besides, the best revenge, is a life well lived! Go complete no contact snd do not look back! Besides, do the parents really think that their toxic daughter they love so much, would ever care for them in their last years of life? Or help the healthy parent take care of the sick parent? Heck no! Be free and be happy!!!
Skye Ragsdale 1 year ago
I wouldn't share with the family, but if it's really "set for life money" I hope OP shares with nonprofits and/or charities. Improve the lives of people who deserve it!
LtKernelPanic 1 year ago
She should share some with them. Precisely 35 cents each* and tell them to call someone who cares. *before cell phones became affordable and common in the US in the early 2000s payphones used to cost 35 cents for a local call.
The Starsong Princess 1 year ago
I’ve got less condemnation for the sister than others - you have to be very mentally ill to be hospitalized and unable to work. Sleeping with your sister’s fiancé is something that you might do in an extreme mania. That said, op says there is a pattern of favoritism by the parents and other issues with the grandfather. Op has to make a decision. She has to decide if she ever wants a relationship with her parents. If yes, then she needs to give them some of the money. If no, then she doesn’t share the inheritance and cuts them off completely. She cannot have both a relationship and all the money. I think she doesn’t want the relationship. That’s fair.
Tanya Phillips 1 year ago
Manic as it may have been, she knew it was wrong. Did it anyway. Never apologised. That's straight up toxic and she's not to be trusted.
Load More Replies... Wayne Gossman 1 year ago
Your grandfather was a steward of his belongings. He felt you were the best person to pass these responsibilities on to. If you ignore his wisdom and quickly back out of this responsibility by giving money to family who may not manage it well you are being disrespectful of his carefully considered choices. If you give them a portion of this eastate and they waste it they will keep coming back to you for more long after they have you in a deeper hole than they are in! You are a steward of your skills, time, energy, possessions, and now your grandfather’s money. Be a wise steward. If you have more than you need, consider helping others make healthy changes. If family comes to you confessing they have made mistakes but have learned from the mistakes. If they humbly tell you their plan to do better and ask for your help, you can consider, “What would he have done?” and then carefully consider if you can make a positive difference.
elfin 1 year ago
If you don't want to give them anything, then don't. You don't have to argue about it or explain yourself. "No" means no. It is a healthy thing to do to distance yourself from toxic people and relatives are no exception. Learning to accept that results in some very nice feelings: calm, freedom, less stress and fear, etc.
Massetgirl72 1 year ago
OP should reimburse her parents for every penny her parents paid for her post-secondary education. If they paid nothing, then she owes them nothing. I suspect she probably paid for her own education and she should point that out to her parents.
WineDrinker2022 1 year ago (edited)
If you put out any money towards them, it should be explicitly said that this is the only money that will get and that this is to completely sever ties with them. They show up again, restraining orders will be placed and enforced.
Melissa anderson 1 year ago
When you treat someone like c**p, you’re going to have to live with the consequences. Her parents and sister do not deserve a penny from HER inheritance.
KYLE 1 year ago
I would simply stick w/ 'it was grandpa's wishes and you know that'. I have a very nice CD that my grandmother left me and for whatever reason it was to be kept between myself and my parents. I haven't the foggiest idea why she didn't want my brother to know about it, but he still doesn't know about it several decades on. He is the beneficiary so there's no real reason he shouldn't or couldn't know, but my mother and I still uphold grandma's wish.
Nick Disney 1 year ago
NTA, all the way. But it seems like in your heart you know there's more to it than this. Your sister sounds like she has a mental illness and needs help. I may be old school, but I believe that forgiveness is really for you so you can heal and be whole. Just a crazy idea...if it doesn't hurt you to give a little, you can extend some of the money as token measure of forgiveness on your part but make it clear that's it, nothing more. If it's received by the family with gratitude and grace (not likely) then maybe there is a chance you can reconcile with that part of your family one day? If they don't respond well to that, then you never have to wonder again about that part of your family for the rest of your life. Take this all with skepticism of a random guy on the internet though....
FluffyDreg 1 year ago
You've got some good points but at the same time. Its NOT on her to do that. She doesn't have to forgive, just move on. And i think giving them ANY money is a bad idea because itll just encourage this behaviour.
Load More Replies... millac 1 year ago
The ex fiance guy definitely seems predatory if he drove someone into the hospital, and the sister particularly vulnerable/ weak if this guy could do this level of damage to her. I get why the parents went neutral on the subject after the oldest was literally hospitalized and the scumbag man was out of the picture. I also understand why the parents would be distant with the grandpa if the daughter who was literally avoiding them was living with him and grandpa had previously yelled at them for trying to help their very messed up oldest. On the whole, everyone sucks and no one is a saint her. Grandpa was petty, OP is stubborn and vindictive, the parents placid and trying for the easiest path, and the older sister has mental issues.
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