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23YO Unable To Keep Up With Home Tasks, Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Not Doing Enough As A SAHM?”
Being a stay-at-home parent is no walk in the park because of all the household and childcare responsibilities that come with it. Although some people might be able to manage all the duties that it requires, not everyone can take to it that well.
This is what one woman faced a year into looking after her daughter, while also managing the home, as she couldn’t handle things well enough to meet her husband’s expectations. Eventually, the couple got into a conflict over the situation, and the woman felt like a failure.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Stay-at-home moms who struggle to manage it all by themselves should check in with their partners to find a solution
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The poster explained that while she and her husband studied part-time, they decided that he would work full-time, and she would be a stay-at-home mom
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman realized that because of her ADHD, she couldn’t muster up the motivation to clean while also looking after the baby, which left her husband frustrated
Image credits: Annushka Ahuja / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The couple kept getting into arguments because the man kept coming back from work to a messy house, and no home-cooked meal on the table
Image credits: CautiousGarbage4305
The woman constantly felt like a failure because she wasn’t able to manage her household duties like her partner wanted her to, so she asked people for advice
Right from the start, the couple had decided to split their work and household chores so that they could manage everything smoothly. Even though they were both studying part-time, the man managed to handle his 40+ hour workweek, and the poster took care of the household and their one-year-old child.
According to family therapists, this kind of arrangement can work if both partners are clear about all of their roles and responsibilities. They need to have a direct and honest discussion about all the things they can manage and keep checking in with each other about what works and doesn’t work for them.
In this case, it seemed like the man was able to manage his responsibilities, but what he didn’t seem to realize was how much the OP’s roles were taking a toll on her. Even though she was trying her best to keep the home clean while also looking after the toddler, she couldn’t possibly do it all perfectly.
Although some clutter in the house might not seem like a big deal, studies have found that it can actually contribute to stress. The messier a home is, the more chaotic a person might feel mentally, which is what seemed to be happening to the woman, leading her to feel worried and exhausted.
Image credits: Edward Jenner / Pexels (not the actual photo)
When the husband finally couldn’t take it anymore, he revealed that he thought the poster was just sitting at home reading books and scrolling on her phone. That’s when she realized that she was probably not doing enough, and that the messiness of their home was making him feel frustrated.
The OP realized that because of her Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), she struggled to find the motivation to clean and do chores. That’s why most of her focus went toward looking after their child, instead of keeping things spick and span.
People with ADHD are often labeled as “lazy” due to this exact reason, but the actual reason behind their struggles with chores is that they might lose focus while in the middle of something. They might also be drawn toward more interesting activities, which might mean that their household tasks get pushed aside for a while.
Despite the challenges that the poster faced, she tried her best to keep certain areas of the house tidy for her husband. Obviously, this wasn’t enough for him, because he sometimes came home and started passive-aggressively cleaning up the rooms.
Clearly, the couple has a few issues to work through and a lot to discuss about their division of labor, but what advice would you give to them to sort things out? Do share your thoughts down below.
Folks were divided on the issue, with some thinking the husband was in the wrong, and others feeling that the poster had to make more of an effort
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
OP isn't suited to be a SAHP. She's stressed out, her partner is stressed out. It's not in everyone's skill set, get a part time job even if all the money goes directly to day care, it will be better for mental health and OP's relationship. I recommend something active/outdoors. Post office, visitor services at a zoo/museum, delivery driver are always hiring small contracts The change of pace will really support the ADHD and make it easier to deal with the same mess once you're home. Also, even if the kid is being difficult, put her in a backpack and take a walk, get outside every day, it's better for the child and the parent. It's not healthy to feel confined in the house and sunlight and fresh air are important and free if you don't break up the day, you'll never get got reset back to productivity and you'll just end up feeling bad.
K Barnes 1 month ago
If OP's ADD is impacting her ability to care for her child, which she says it is, then she needs to adjust her treatment plan with her physician. If she's doing literally no chores for 3 days then all of them the fourth that's not a healthy balance, either. However, if the husband actually thinks she's on her phone/reading all day and not playing with/caring for their child he's a clueless AH. Seems like this young couple needs improved communication and counselling together.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
OP isn't suited to be a SAHP. She's stressed out, her partner is stressed out. It's not in everyone's skill set, get a part time job even if all the money goes directly to day care, it will be better for mental health and OP's relationship. I recommend something active/outdoors. Post office, visitor services at a zoo/museum, delivery driver are always hiring small contracts The change of pace will really support the ADHD and make it easier to deal with the same mess once you're home. Also, even if the kid is being difficult, put her in a backpack and take a walk, get outside every day, it's better for the child and the parent. It's not healthy to feel confined in the house and sunlight and fresh air are important and free if you don't break up the day, you'll never get got reset back to productivity and you'll just end up feeling bad.
K Barnes 1 month ago
If OP's ADD is impacting her ability to care for her child, which she says it is, then she needs to adjust her treatment plan with her physician. If she's doing literally no chores for 3 days then all of them the fourth that's not a healthy balance, either. However, if the husband actually thinks she's on her phone/reading all day and not playing with/caring for their child he's a clueless AH. Seems like this young couple needs improved communication and counselling together.
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