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Daughter Embraces Mom’s Fresh Start In Love, Until Their First Encounter Sends Warning Bells Ringing
Interview With ExpertYou know what’s scarier than haunted houses, economic inflation, and running out of snacks at a sleepover? Meeting your widowed mom’s new boyfriend and immediately feeling like he could be the villain in a thriller.
For today’s Original Poster (OP), watching her 68-year-old mother find love again after losing her long-term partner brought hope until the new man in mom’s life turned out to be a walking red flag factory.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:
Watching your parent find love again later in life can stir up more fear than joy, especially when something just feels off with the new partner
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After losing her husband of 31 years, the author’s mother started dating again, much to her relief
Image credits: AurumVox
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In the early stages, the relationship was intense, with the man wanting constant contact, which overwhelmed the mother
Image credits: AurumVox
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
She, however, encouraged her mom to communicate, understanding the man had lost his wife 18 months earlier
Image credits: AurumVox
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
During a recent visit, the author finally met the new man and was taken aback by his rudeness, which even the mother later acknowledged
Image credits: AurumVox
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
She also noticed troubling dynamics, like him correcting her mother often, excessive calls, and what felt like love bombing behaviors
Image credits: AurumVox
Despite wanting her mother to be happy, she remained conflicted, unsure if her discomfort stemmed from grief, jealousy, or valid concern for her mother
After 31 years with her beloved partner, the OP’s mom was understandably heartbroken when he passed. So when her mom met someone new, she was genuinely relieved. At first, her mom’s new guy seemed, well, very into her, like calling four times a day and wanting to spend every waking hour together.
Her mom found it overwhelming, and the OP gently coached her on communication, seeing it as two grieving hearts trying to find a rhythm. However, even early on, some friends had warned the mom off him as he had a rep for saying the wrong thing and being a bit rude. Still, her mom fell hard, but the OP respected her instincts and she trusted her.
The OP finally met the new man and it didn’t not go well. The first meeting was awkward but forgivable, while the second was so rude it made her question everything. She froze, not wanting to ruin her mom’s happiness but deeply unsettled. Even her mom was shocked by his behavior, noting she’d never seen him like that before.
Worse still, the man has a thing for correcting her mom all the time, and they have this “banter” where they always argue about who is right. And while his gesture of leaving flowers and a home-cooked meal may sound sweet on paper, letting himself into her mom’s house while she was away felt more creepy than kind.
Now torn, this left the daughter questioning everything. She wants her mom to be happy, truly, but the boyfriend’s behavior just doesn’t sit right in her gut, and she has been spiraling between concern and self-doubt.
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
To better understand how adult children can navigate concerns about a parent’s new relationship, we spoke with marriage counselor Ronke Adesina, who shared practical advice on approaching these delicate situations.
When adult children spot red flags in a parent’s new partner, Adesina recommends a calm and honest conversation that focuses on specific troubling behaviors rather than attacking the partner’s character. She noted that “the healthiest approach is to express care and protectiveness while respecting the parent’s independence.”
She emphasized that encouraging open dialogue and asking thoughtful questions can help the parent reflect on the relationship without feeling pressured or defensive. Also, maintaining trust and support is crucial, even if the parent decides to continue the relationship despite concerns.
Adesina also reassures that it is completely normal for adult children to feel possessive or uneasy when their widowed parent begins dating again. These feelings often arise from loyalty to the late spouse, fear of changing family dynamics, and concern for the parent’s well-being.
“Recognizing these emotions as natural helps adult children process them in a healthier way,” she noted before stating that open communication and allowing time to adjust are key to finding a balance that respects both the past and the parent’s current happiness.
Balancing personal grief and concern with respecting a parent’s autonomy requires self-awareness and empathy, Adesina added. In this case, she suggests that the OP should acknowledge her own feelings of loss and give herself permission to grieve without guilt, while also accepting that her mother has the right to make her own choices even if they differ from her own.
“Open, honest communication grounded in care rather than control is your best bet for mutual understanding,” she said. Supporting a parent’s independence while setting healthy emotional boundaries allows the child to navigate their grief while respecting their parent’s need for happiness.
Netizens insisted that the OP should trust her instincts and have an honest conversation with her mother. They shared the worry that the mom’s new boyfriend’s rudeness and controlling tendencies could leave her isolated.
What would you do in this situation? Would you speak up or stay silent to protect your mom’s happiness? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens encouraged the author to bring up her concerns with her mom, while others insisted that the new man is bad news
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What do you think ?
KatSaidWhat 6 months ago
Why does he have the code for the safe? That's a whole parade of red flags by itself. He's isolating her this way as she will end up sacrificing friends and family for him. Someone save her from this guy please.
sweet emotion 6 months ago
My first thought was "Change that key code NOW." And maybe encourage mom to go to Crete for a couple of months alone and leave her phone behind (take a burn phone instead) so she can think clearly about this relationship (and all the red flags and warnings from others) without constant interruptions.
Load More Replies...
Susie Elle 6 months ago
Sounds to me like this is a man who was used to leaning on his wife for everything, and is now looking for someone to fill those shoes. It's lovebombing now, but it'll be isolation once she fully lets him in, so to speak, if she hasn't already done so.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Dating 18 months after losing a spouse is it's own red flag. Two years is the usual early mark of when you're on solid enough ground for a new relationship. Everything about this guy sounds like he just wants to replace what he had with his partner and he's done no work on himself in the meantime. Good news that OPs mom has a good support network, hopefully OP taps them for help getting her mom out of the situation.
KatSaidWhat 6 months ago
There is no timestamp on grief. If that person was ill and dying, you might come to terms with it a lot quicker. But yes, it does sound like he just wants a replacement.
Load More Replies...
Pixie T 6 months ago
I personally think he is deliberately acting rude towards people in the hope of alienating Ops mother from her friends and family. Maybe it's just so he can have her all to herself and not share it or maybe its something more sinister. Op told her mother to go with her gut, now she should take her own advice
Jorie 6 months ago
This man is a control freak, and anyone will tell you that this type of behavior only gets worse over time. He will wind up "owning" your mom, but only if she lets him. The time to end this is NOW! Only your mom knows the best way to break this off, and I hope he's not the kind to retaliate. Don't be surprised if he's hard to get rid of, though. He is Trouble with a capital T. Red Flags all over the place!
Robin Roper 6 months ago
OP loves her mom and has to have an honest conversation citing examples she saw and experienced. Point out how his behavior is changing the way the she is living her life and is different from how she's experienced her mom in the past.
Petra brown 5 months ago
Trust your feelings.This guy has to go asap. Narcissist at best and we don't want to think about the worst. Take it from someone who knows. I even think you need professional advice to entangle him from your mom's life safely. Don't wait. Act now.
Fellfromthemoon 5 months ago
Somehow I doubt the man is a widower, and that he lost his wife 18 months ago. The shared history of loss makes connecting to the widow easier for him.
Mark Childers 6 months ago
Get her away from that man before he takes everything she has or worse. I hope she's okay.
KatSaidWhat 6 months ago
Why does he have the code for the safe? That's a whole parade of red flags by itself. He's isolating her this way as she will end up sacrificing friends and family for him. Someone save her from this guy please.
sweet emotion 6 months ago
My first thought was "Change that key code NOW." And maybe encourage mom to go to Crete for a couple of months alone and leave her phone behind (take a burn phone instead) so she can think clearly about this relationship (and all the red flags and warnings from others) without constant interruptions.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 6 months ago
Sounds to me like this is a man who was used to leaning on his wife for everything, and is now looking for someone to fill those shoes. It's lovebombing now, but it'll be isolation once she fully lets him in, so to speak, if she hasn't already done so.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Dating 18 months after losing a spouse is it's own red flag. Two years is the usual early mark of when you're on solid enough ground for a new relationship. Everything about this guy sounds like he just wants to replace what he had with his partner and he's done no work on himself in the meantime. Good news that OPs mom has a good support network, hopefully OP taps them for help getting her mom out of the situation.
KatSaidWhat 6 months ago
There is no timestamp on grief. If that person was ill and dying, you might come to terms with it a lot quicker. But yes, it does sound like he just wants a replacement.
Load More Replies... Pixie T 6 months ago
I personally think he is deliberately acting rude towards people in the hope of alienating Ops mother from her friends and family. Maybe it's just so he can have her all to herself and not share it or maybe its something more sinister. Op told her mother to go with her gut, now she should take her own advice
Jorie 6 months ago
This man is a control freak, and anyone will tell you that this type of behavior only gets worse over time. He will wind up "owning" your mom, but only if she lets him. The time to end this is NOW! Only your mom knows the best way to break this off, and I hope he's not the kind to retaliate. Don't be surprised if he's hard to get rid of, though. He is Trouble with a capital T. Red Flags all over the place!
Robin Roper 6 months ago
OP loves her mom and has to have an honest conversation citing examples she saw and experienced. Point out how his behavior is changing the way the she is living her life and is different from how she's experienced her mom in the past.
Petra brown 5 months ago
Trust your feelings.This guy has to go asap. Narcissist at best and we don't want to think about the worst. Take it from someone who knows. I even think you need professional advice to entangle him from your mom's life safely. Don't wait. Act now.
Fellfromthemoon 5 months ago
Somehow I doubt the man is a widower, and that he lost his wife 18 months ago. The shared history of loss makes connecting to the widow easier for him.
Mark Childers 6 months ago
Get her away from that man before he takes everything she has or worse. I hope she's okay.
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