“It Is My Room”: Mom Refuses To Accept That Daughter’s Guest Room Is Not Just Hers
When we’re growing up, our parents make the rules. They assign us chores, set a curfew, and tell us how to treat others. But things can get complicated if we become adults and they still insist on managing our lives.
A couple of days ago, a woman who goes by the nickname Meekotherogue online turned to the subreddit ‘Entitled Parents‘ to vent about her mom.
The lady sometimes visits her, and she’s OK with having her at home; however, the Redditor’s mom started claiming her guest room and calling it ‘her’ room.
Continue scrolling to read the woman’s story in her own words, which accentuates just how important it is to have healthy boundaries. Without them, everyday life becomes more difficult than it needs to be.
Parents like to offer us guidance and support even after we grow up
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
But this woman said that her mother should back off a little instead
Image credits: Elina Fairytale / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anastasia Shuraeva / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: meekotheroguea
Such overbearing parents can be difficult to interact with, but that doesn’t mean they should get a free pass
According to Zoe Reyes, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety and trauma, overbearing parents often disregard your need for freedom and self-determination.
“They may frequently dismiss your choices and label them as immature and dumb,” she said. “They may want to exert influence on every aspect of your life, and when you don’t allow that, they make their scorn apparent.”
So what drives such frustrating behaviors as the one Meekotherogue described in her Reddit post?
Anxiety is one probable cause. “Individuals who struggle with anxiety often try to control things within their environment … to feel a sense of control within themselves,” Reyes explained. “The problem with this is that these individuals end up alienating the people around them.”
Another potential reason is fear. “Parents sometimes see themselves in you, catching glimpses of their own personalities and challenges as they watch you live your life,” the therapist continued. “They may be fearful of you making the very same mistakes they did at some point.”
Whatever the explanation might be, it’s clear that Meekotherogue (and others who find themselves in similar situations) need to develop strong boundaries and be assertive.
Setting limits isn’t disrespectful in the slightest. On the contrary, it’s good to draw the line and ask your parents to respect your needs. Licensed clinical social worker and nurse Judith Aronowitz explained that some of the benefits for both sides include:
- preventing resentment;
- creating healthier and long-lasting attachments;
- supporting autonomy and individuation;
- allowing uniqueness and feeling true to oneself.
Hopefully, the author of the text will manage to do it!
Image credits: Anna Shvets / pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman’s confession ignited an emotional discussion on parent-children boundaries
I'm afraid I just don't see the issue of her saying it's her room.. she always uses it when she visits, you even said "technically true" when she mentioned nobody else has used it... and are guests not allowed to use your spare closet in your spare room? when on vacation and you are staying at a motel/ hotel, do you refer to that room as your room or do you always refer to it as the motel's room? Like "it's getting late, let's go back to the Holiday Inn's room"? I personally don't see any issues here at all.. sounds like an overreaction to me.
If that's the only issue, it's an over-reaction. I suspect there's a history of the mother disrespecting the OP's boundaries, so yet another incident. The mother asked if anyone else has slept in "my room" - that sounds like a child who goes back and forth between divorced parents. The pouting may be her trying to regress to childhood. Some commenters in reddit think she's hoping to move in eventually.
Load More Replies...
I have a hard time seeing going through a closet in a designated guest room as 'snooping'. Isn't that where guests can keep their stuff?
Yes, guests can keep their stuff there, but so can OP, if she needs additional storage space, as it's her house! And if the mother started looking through OP's stuff as well, then that's called snooping!
Load More Replies...
I sometimes stay at my brothers’ homes. When I’m there I always call them ‘my’ rooms for ease. They call them ‘your’ rooms, although we all know they are guest rooms. OP is a controlling person with some deep resentments. Needs counseling
Do you call it your room when you are back at your home?
Load More Replies...
my bio mom did this when we had our condo. she bought a bed for it and dresser and everything. then we got pregnant and that bed was the first thing to go bc we had to have a crib and changing table. pretty sure she was hella salty we decided to have a kid before she ever got to stay in the room
Make the room a shrine to someone controversial. A little altar and lots of incense.
full-sized statue of baphomet... y'know, the things you mom DEFINITELY wants to spend the night staring at!
Load More Replies...
I’d repurpose the room. Home office with a daybed. Plant room. Or redecorated in a style that you know she would hate
I would be more than thrilled if my mom was still around to call my den her room if she was staying here. OP and her mother must not have had a normal relationship when she was growing up to make this mountain out of a mole hill. And that's really too bad.
Apparently the mom has a history or boundary stomping. The dumb little childish pouting is what makes me thing op isn't just being dramatic and soon the straw will break the camels back. Even mole hills can become mole hills when stuff keeps getting piled on.
Load More Replies... I agree with the people who say you should repurpose the room into something else, maybe a real office or workout room. Put enough stuff in it so the room does not in any way resemble a guest room. I definitely see mom planning to move in at some point.
People walk over your boundaries only if you let them. Stop letting her into your home. Protect your boundaries and cut off those who don't respect them.
You’re fortunate that your mom is still here. Maybe just ignore her words
Oh for the love of Pete...she's making plans to move in and since you have no spine guarantee within a short period of time she WILL be living in that room. Stop being whimpy and kick her to the curb.
It seems to me that most people have a crappy relationship with their parents and are ridiculously petty. I would love to have my parents visit and I will tell them myself; "That is your room".
Turn the room into a s*x dungeon! See if she'll ever call it hers again! :))
Either there isn't enough context or the daughter is just being over dramatic. Nothing in this to indicate it's not just banter.
I can't believe all the commenters going so extreme on this. Sounds like everyone is very immature! And while I understand and even would relate to the OP about how annoying that might be... This doesn't really seem to be a hill to die on 🤷♀️
I think overall we need more context on the relationship. Almost nothing in the world is black and white. With very little to go on it seems like the daughter is overreacting HOWEVER since she has mentioned there is a history of her mother stepping on her personal boundaries, there IS clearly a deeper story. So it would be wrong to consider this an isolated incident. I'm inclined to say the mother is wrong simply because she was asked not to call it that and still does... that's a boundary crossed regardless of whatever is going on.
Put a visitors book in there and get friends or colleagues to sign in and leave a comment
I agree with OP. I had same issues with my mother in law. She claimed a room in my house. Even openly spoke about having the empty bedroom next to it to convert into living room for herself. When my daughter's would come to stay from other states, she'd ask me if they were using 'her room's. I always said of course they are. I might add, we have a 5 bedroom house, since girls left home we ended up with 4 spare bedrooms. One of which I turned into a craft sewing room. We still have 3 rooms if family visit or want to stay over. No way was I giving into mother in law. I don't have her over at all now unless my husband is at home. She even took it upon herself to drive out to visit one day with her guests to show off my home, she called on the way to say to expect her. I stopped her there and then saying it wasn't a convenient time for her to visit time as I was busy. Needless to say she chose not to talk to me. That was pure bliss. 😉
So what? It's your MUM. Be glad she's still around and comes to visit. My dad, every time he visits, wants to stay in my gite (holiday let) because he likes it so much. I do have a guest room, but I always make sure he can have the gite when he visits. It gives him (and me) some privacy, and that's fine. We have breakfast in my kitchen in the morning, and spend the day together, but in the evenings he prefers to go to my gite, and that is perfectly fine. He keeps calling it "his French house". And? Big deal.
Wow!! So many petty people! While she visits its her room. OP better figure what the real issue is. Our guest room is always called guest room and when someone stays in it is called their room. You really need to get over yourself girl.
My mom stayed with us for a while and she called it her room. But she corrected herself and said "oops it's not my room". I said it was while she stayed with us.
I'm Nigerian and very traditional too so I don't see the big deal in you being upset that she calls your guest room her room. The advise to turn the room into a game room and get her a motel to spend the night is a tad too harsh IMO. Humour her by rolling your eyes and say, " Yes mum "your room."
Some people weren't raised to be doormats to people that don't respect others in their own home. Imagine if it was a car that she let her mom use when she was in town. Just laying ownership to someone else's things and then pouting like a child when they repeatedly tell you they don't like it is very disrespectful and rude. She doesn't sound like a mother, she sounds like a child. "It's miiine it's mine, did anyone touch my stuff?🥺"
Load More Replies...
Maybe the OP's mother is not trying to be controlling. Maybe she's just trying to stay a part of her daughter's life (and is possibly struggling as an empty nester). If there is no harm, I'd let her continue calling it her room, and keep letting her be a part of my life. As someone who has lost her father, my only regret is not spending more time with him because you cannot get back lost time/opportunities.
What does it matter what she calls the room. Also, looking in your daughter's closet in the guest room is not really snooping. I don't care who looks in any of my closets.
I don't get it. This is a vain and immature power struggle. It's your mom. She comes over a few days of the year. Stays in the room. Calls it her room. Packs and leaves. As a mother, let her have the joy of claiming something that belongs to you as 'hers'. You are not giving her a ownership legal letter! Let her be happy about telling her friends that her daughter has a room for her that she gets to stay in when she visits! It's 'her room' About the snooping.. where do your guests keep their stuff if not the closet? A polybag on the floor? If you think something is not to be shared don't keep it in the shared guest room. If kept, then let the guests use it. Weird to have your parents over but be possessive over a wee bit of space. She's just wanting to belong. Let her. It costs you nothing. Op has some unresolved issues that need therapy.
We aren't told what the history is between OP and her mother. Is this childish, petulant behavior a new thing, has she showed that she has ownership issues over other things in the past? Perhaps this is a demonstration of early onset dementia or she's always been entitled.
You clearly hate your mother in law. You don't detail your relationship, so I don't know if she's one of those you're not good enough for my son MILs but you clearly hate her. When you visit someone it is perfectly appropriate to refer to the room you stay in as your room. It's not an ownership. Kids don't own their rooms. We don't own hotel rooms. But while we stay there it's our room ie we could expect that while we are sleeping and changing there, no one would have the right to enter without knocking. And we have all in curiosity explored the closets and drawers of the rooms we are guests in. If something is private, don't put it in the guest room! You don't want her to feel welcome. You want her to commit a 'crime' worthy enough to justify to your husband that you must cut off ties with her. You are the controlling one
I’m so happy to read these comments! As I was reading OPs post I kept thinking to myself “ya ok, so? I was waiting for the problem but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Especially the closet part! Most of my guests hang their clothes in mine. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one!
I think Mom just wants to feel loved and accepted. Daughter is over reacting. Have you ever gone back to your childhood home and called a bedroom "my room"? Even if you never sleep in it after childhood. And why would daughter ban her mother from sleeping in her home for such a petty reason?
When she dies, sooner than you would like, you will long for her to be in "her room." She wants to feel welcome. She wants to tell friends "my daughter keeps a room for me." Let it go. You are being really petty. This in no way actually affects you. When you have another guest they still get to sleep there, no matter what she calls it.
Here are my thoughts, your mother gave you life, raised you in her home and probably allowed you to call it your room. Why are you begrudging her to call your guest room her room? Considering she took care of you out of love for all these years, is it really a problem that she calls your guest room her room? It's cruel that people are saying throw her out and have no contact with her over this, SERIOUSLY??!!. These same people shouting No Contact will be miserable when everyone heeds their no contact policy.
What did OP call the room she used when she was growing up in her mother's home? I strongly suspect she referred to it as "her room". Adult children seem to have a hard time grasping that after 18 plus years of parents sharing their entire lives and spaces with their kids, that it's hard to just flip the switch and no longer want and have that same level of comfort with your children. It's not an intent to control, but just to remain in a similar familiar and close arrangement/relationship that they've shared with their kids for many many years.
How often do you see your mother? Regardless of age, the insistence, the pouting, the muttering about it being 'her room' have you even considered that she may be starting to decline in her older years. Um, let me answer that. No! You are too fixated on this imagined power struggle that most get over with their parents when they move out and grown up! Seriously, christ, you obviously do not need a reason to not have your mother stay with you. Just be honest with yourself and admit what is starkly clear. You have serious personal issues with your mother. This? This is what you write about. Ask yourself this. If you found out, she was no longer here tomorrow, how would you feel? If, IF you would feel sad, grief, remorse? Then let this s**t go. Life is too short for such ridiculous nonsense.
I mean unless this is stemming from something else I'm not seeing a big deal. She isn't always over making it impossible to actually have other guests and what does she do with her stuff if she isn't allowed to use the closet. Technically when she is staying in it is her room for the moment. There is something that isn't being said so this post sounds ridiculous but that's just me....***shrugs***
I just think an older woman sticking out her bottom lip and pouting speaks volumes about their relationship. Mom needs to grow up already.
Load More Replies...
What's wrong with the daughter? You only have one mom, and nobody else uses the room? What's the daughter's problem. ..maybe mom is wanting something....love? A hug?
I'm afraid I just don't see the issue of her saying it's her room.. she always uses it when she visits, you even said "technically true" when she mentioned nobody else has used it... and are guests not allowed to use your spare closet in your spare room? when on vacation and you are staying at a motel/ hotel, do you refer to that room as your room or do you always refer to it as the motel's room? Like "it's getting late, let's go back to the Holiday Inn's room"? I personally don't see any issues here at all.. sounds like an overreaction to me.
If that's the only issue, it's an over-reaction. I suspect there's a history of the mother disrespecting the OP's boundaries, so yet another incident. The mother asked if anyone else has slept in "my room" - that sounds like a child who goes back and forth between divorced parents. The pouting may be her trying to regress to childhood. Some commenters in reddit think she's hoping to move in eventually.
Load More Replies... I have a hard time seeing going through a closet in a designated guest room as 'snooping'. Isn't that where guests can keep their stuff?
Yes, guests can keep their stuff there, but so can OP, if she needs additional storage space, as it's her house! And if the mother started looking through OP's stuff as well, then that's called snooping!
Load More Replies... I sometimes stay at my brothers’ homes. When I’m there I always call them ‘my’ rooms for ease. They call them ‘your’ rooms, although we all know they are guest rooms. OP is a controlling person with some deep resentments. Needs counseling
Do you call it your room when you are back at your home?
Load More Replies... my bio mom did this when we had our condo. she bought a bed for it and dresser and everything. then we got pregnant and that bed was the first thing to go bc we had to have a crib and changing table. pretty sure she was hella salty we decided to have a kid before she ever got to stay in the room
Make the room a shrine to someone controversial. A little altar and lots of incense.
full-sized statue of baphomet... y'know, the things you mom DEFINITELY wants to spend the night staring at!
Load More Replies... I’d repurpose the room. Home office with a daybed. Plant room. Or redecorated in a style that you know she would hate
I would be more than thrilled if my mom was still around to call my den her room if she was staying here. OP and her mother must not have had a normal relationship when she was growing up to make this mountain out of a mole hill. And that's really too bad.
Apparently the mom has a history or boundary stomping. The dumb little childish pouting is what makes me thing op isn't just being dramatic and soon the straw will break the camels back. Even mole hills can become mole hills when stuff keeps getting piled on.
Load More Replies... I agree with the people who say you should repurpose the room into something else, maybe a real office or workout room. Put enough stuff in it so the room does not in any way resemble a guest room. I definitely see mom planning to move in at some point.
People walk over your boundaries only if you let them. Stop letting her into your home. Protect your boundaries and cut off those who don't respect them.
You’re fortunate that your mom is still here. Maybe just ignore her words
Oh for the love of Pete...she's making plans to move in and since you have no spine guarantee within a short period of time she WILL be living in that room. Stop being whimpy and kick her to the curb.
It seems to me that most people have a crappy relationship with their parents and are ridiculously petty. I would love to have my parents visit and I will tell them myself; "That is your room".
Turn the room into a s*x dungeon! See if she'll ever call it hers again! :))
Either there isn't enough context or the daughter is just being over dramatic. Nothing in this to indicate it's not just banter.
I can't believe all the commenters going so extreme on this. Sounds like everyone is very immature! And while I understand and even would relate to the OP about how annoying that might be... This doesn't really seem to be a hill to die on 🤷♀️
I think overall we need more context on the relationship. Almost nothing in the world is black and white. With very little to go on it seems like the daughter is overreacting HOWEVER since she has mentioned there is a history of her mother stepping on her personal boundaries, there IS clearly a deeper story. So it would be wrong to consider this an isolated incident. I'm inclined to say the mother is wrong simply because she was asked not to call it that and still does... that's a boundary crossed regardless of whatever is going on.
Put a visitors book in there and get friends or colleagues to sign in and leave a comment
I agree with OP. I had same issues with my mother in law. She claimed a room in my house. Even openly spoke about having the empty bedroom next to it to convert into living room for herself. When my daughter's would come to stay from other states, she'd ask me if they were using 'her room's. I always said of course they are. I might add, we have a 5 bedroom house, since girls left home we ended up with 4 spare bedrooms. One of which I turned into a craft sewing room. We still have 3 rooms if family visit or want to stay over. No way was I giving into mother in law. I don't have her over at all now unless my husband is at home. She even took it upon herself to drive out to visit one day with her guests to show off my home, she called on the way to say to expect her. I stopped her there and then saying it wasn't a convenient time for her to visit time as I was busy. Needless to say she chose not to talk to me. That was pure bliss. 😉
So what? It's your MUM. Be glad she's still around and comes to visit. My dad, every time he visits, wants to stay in my gite (holiday let) because he likes it so much. I do have a guest room, but I always make sure he can have the gite when he visits. It gives him (and me) some privacy, and that's fine. We have breakfast in my kitchen in the morning, and spend the day together, but in the evenings he prefers to go to my gite, and that is perfectly fine. He keeps calling it "his French house". And? Big deal.
Wow!! So many petty people! While she visits its her room. OP better figure what the real issue is. Our guest room is always called guest room and when someone stays in it is called their room. You really need to get over yourself girl.
My mom stayed with us for a while and she called it her room. But she corrected herself and said "oops it's not my room". I said it was while she stayed with us.
I'm Nigerian and very traditional too so I don't see the big deal in you being upset that she calls your guest room her room. The advise to turn the room into a game room and get her a motel to spend the night is a tad too harsh IMO. Humour her by rolling your eyes and say, " Yes mum "your room."
Some people weren't raised to be doormats to people that don't respect others in their own home. Imagine if it was a car that she let her mom use when she was in town. Just laying ownership to someone else's things and then pouting like a child when they repeatedly tell you they don't like it is very disrespectful and rude. She doesn't sound like a mother, she sounds like a child. "It's miiine it's mine, did anyone touch my stuff?🥺"
Load More Replies... Maybe the OP's mother is not trying to be controlling. Maybe she's just trying to stay a part of her daughter's life (and is possibly struggling as an empty nester). If there is no harm, I'd let her continue calling it her room, and keep letting her be a part of my life. As someone who has lost her father, my only regret is not spending more time with him because you cannot get back lost time/opportunities.
What does it matter what she calls the room. Also, looking in your daughter's closet in the guest room is not really snooping. I don't care who looks in any of my closets.
I don't get it. This is a vain and immature power struggle. It's your mom. She comes over a few days of the year. Stays in the room. Calls it her room. Packs and leaves. As a mother, let her have the joy of claiming something that belongs to you as 'hers'. You are not giving her a ownership legal letter! Let her be happy about telling her friends that her daughter has a room for her that she gets to stay in when she visits! It's 'her room' About the snooping.. where do your guests keep their stuff if not the closet? A polybag on the floor? If you think something is not to be shared don't keep it in the shared guest room. If kept, then let the guests use it. Weird to have your parents over but be possessive over a wee bit of space. She's just wanting to belong. Let her. It costs you nothing. Op has some unresolved issues that need therapy.
We aren't told what the history is between OP and her mother. Is this childish, petulant behavior a new thing, has she showed that she has ownership issues over other things in the past? Perhaps this is a demonstration of early onset dementia or she's always been entitled.
You clearly hate your mother in law. You don't detail your relationship, so I don't know if she's one of those you're not good enough for my son MILs but you clearly hate her. When you visit someone it is perfectly appropriate to refer to the room you stay in as your room. It's not an ownership. Kids don't own their rooms. We don't own hotel rooms. But while we stay there it's our room ie we could expect that while we are sleeping and changing there, no one would have the right to enter without knocking. And we have all in curiosity explored the closets and drawers of the rooms we are guests in. If something is private, don't put it in the guest room! You don't want her to feel welcome. You want her to commit a 'crime' worthy enough to justify to your husband that you must cut off ties with her. You are the controlling one
I’m so happy to read these comments! As I was reading OPs post I kept thinking to myself “ya ok, so? I was waiting for the problem but as far as I could tell, there wasn’t one. Especially the closet part! Most of my guests hang their clothes in mine. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one!
I think Mom just wants to feel loved and accepted. Daughter is over reacting. Have you ever gone back to your childhood home and called a bedroom "my room"? Even if you never sleep in it after childhood. And why would daughter ban her mother from sleeping in her home for such a petty reason?
When she dies, sooner than you would like, you will long for her to be in "her room." She wants to feel welcome. She wants to tell friends "my daughter keeps a room for me." Let it go. You are being really petty. This in no way actually affects you. When you have another guest they still get to sleep there, no matter what she calls it.
Here are my thoughts, your mother gave you life, raised you in her home and probably allowed you to call it your room. Why are you begrudging her to call your guest room her room? Considering she took care of you out of love for all these years, is it really a problem that she calls your guest room her room? It's cruel that people are saying throw her out and have no contact with her over this, SERIOUSLY??!!. These same people shouting No Contact will be miserable when everyone heeds their no contact policy.
What did OP call the room she used when she was growing up in her mother's home? I strongly suspect she referred to it as "her room". Adult children seem to have a hard time grasping that after 18 plus years of parents sharing their entire lives and spaces with their kids, that it's hard to just flip the switch and no longer want and have that same level of comfort with your children. It's not an intent to control, but just to remain in a similar familiar and close arrangement/relationship that they've shared with their kids for many many years.
How often do you see your mother? Regardless of age, the insistence, the pouting, the muttering about it being 'her room' have you even considered that she may be starting to decline in her older years. Um, let me answer that. No! You are too fixated on this imagined power struggle that most get over with their parents when they move out and grown up! Seriously, christ, you obviously do not need a reason to not have your mother stay with you. Just be honest with yourself and admit what is starkly clear. You have serious personal issues with your mother. This? This is what you write about. Ask yourself this. If you found out, she was no longer here tomorrow, how would you feel? If, IF you would feel sad, grief, remorse? Then let this s**t go. Life is too short for such ridiculous nonsense.
I mean unless this is stemming from something else I'm not seeing a big deal. She isn't always over making it impossible to actually have other guests and what does she do with her stuff if she isn't allowed to use the closet. Technically when she is staying in it is her room for the moment. There is something that isn't being said so this post sounds ridiculous but that's just me....***shrugs***
I just think an older woman sticking out her bottom lip and pouting speaks volumes about their relationship. Mom needs to grow up already.
Load More Replies... What's wrong with the daughter? You only have one mom, and nobody else uses the room? What's the daughter's problem. ..maybe mom is wanting something....love? A hug?
69
64