Teen Lashes Out At Controlling Stepdad After He Meddles In His Grades, Blocks Him And Bio Mum
It is no secret that the relationships between stepparents and stepchildren can be quite complicated. After all, it is a huge change for everyone involved, and not everybody can get a vote or be a fan of it.
While conflicts in these situations often result from children rebelling against their old and new parents, as one Redditor shared, the adults can sometimes be just as much, if not more, to blame. One guy who lives with his dad told his mom about his midterm exam results, who, in turn, shared the news with his stepdad. The man wasn’t pleased with it and, despite having no say in it, started ordering punishments for his stepson. Needless to say, this wasn’t received well. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
A relationship between a stepparent and stepchild is rarely simple, and trying to assume the position of authority can only make it more difficult
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
A guy who lives with his dad told his mom about his midterm exam results, which she shared with her husband, who wasn’t pleased
Image credits: Tranmautritam (not the actual photo)
The stepdad called the guy’s bio dad and told him to take the guy’s cat to the pound as a punishment for low grades
Image credits: Xralose
When the guy learned of this, he got furious and told his stepdad what he thought of him before blocking him and the mother, who was trying to defend her husband’s actions
The 19-year-old OP lived with his dad but would visit his mom around once a month. One of those visits happened when the guy came over to tell her he got 72% on a midterm exam.
After her son left, the woman shared the news with her husband, who, for some reason, wasn’t pleased with the results. He then decided that his stepson needed to be disciplined by having his cat taken to the pound, so he called his father to tell him to enforce this punishment.
When the OP found out about this, he got livid and told his stepdad that he had no right to interfere with his private life, as they don’t live together and he doesn’t pay for any of his stuff. The man, in turn, ranted about how the guy should be more respectful, only to be called a “nauseating piece of filth.”
The events upset the poster’s mother, and she told her son that he shouldn’t have taken it so far. However, the poster didn’t let up, replying to his mom that she had decided to marry his stepdad and that he shouldn’t have to deal with his nonsense.
The mother kept trying to calm the storm down, trying to rationalize her husband’s actions, but this made the poster even madder, not only at his stepdad but also at his mom, so he blocked both of them.
The commenters didn’t have to think long before making a joint decision that the poster was not the jerk of the story. While some did argue that there might’ve been bits of reason in the stepdad’s wish to see the OP get better grades, everybody agreed that suggesting to get rid of the cat was a massive step too far.
Image credits: Mia X (not the actual photo)
Let’s take a step further back and look at stepparenting as a whole. After all, it can be a great challenge for anyone to decide to take on. As MeidicineNet shared, stepparenting is arguably more difficult than regular parenting because, when you think about it, it is a massive change for everyone involved.
Stepparents often come into their new family expecting a lot, but some of those expectations might be too much because that family also has to adjust. Few things ever happen quickly and naturally, and thus, for affection to occur, time is required. There’s no guarantee that it will happen at all, in which case, it’s okay to settle for mutual respect.
The important thing for the stepparent is to let things run their course and not try to replace the children’s biological parent. Being emotionally connected, as well as making the stepchild feel safe, secure, valued, and appreciated, is a good way to build this new relationship. Trying to assume the position of authority and impose rules in ways that they’re probably not accustomed to will only drive them further apart. In other words, before becoming a parent, first try to become a friend.
Image credits: Jeswin Thomas (not the actual photo)
As Matthias Laroche of the Psychvarsity wrote, another important thing to consider is if the stepparent already has children of their own because if you thought that evil stepparents only existed in fairy tales, you’re quite wrong.
There is a phenomenon known as The Cinderella Effect, which is named after a fairy tale character with an abusive stepmother. It states that stepparents, compared to biological parents, are more likely to mistreat or even abuse their stepchildren.
When it comes to biological offspring, people usually have a natural, hard-wired instinct that pushes them to support their children and ensure that they provide the best upbringing they can. However, when it comes to parenting someone else’s children, the only thing that can motivate you to build a good relationship with them is yourself.
If the stepparent already has children, it’s not unlikely that they might prioritize them over their partner’s kids. They want to ensure their own kin get the best possible conditions, even if it means making it worse for someone else. This can also be observed in the animal world, where, for example, lions get rid of their mate’s cubs, as they pose a competitive threat to their own children.
So, while abusing and mistreating children is obviously not something that anyone should do, if you’re a stepparent with children of your own, perhaps you should try to show them that you mean to treat everyone equally, regardless of blood relations.
But in the end, whatever the case, trying to punish your stepchild because they didn’t meet your standards is by no means a way to a great relationship or mutual respect. As the famous Pakistani poet Hussein Nishah once said, “Respect is earned, not given,” and punishment is rarely a way to earn anything.
What did you think about this story? Have you ever dealt with anything similar? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
The commenters supported the poster, saying that the stepdad stepped way over the line, and demanding respect only made it worse
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I'm sorry (not sorry); what is this with pets being treated as disposable objects/emotional weapons? I mean, I have a cat. My parents are my landlords so legally it's up to them whether I'm allowed her and they have the power to tell me to get rid of her at any time. My dad is unhappy with the cat (not this specific cat, any pet in general - he didn't like the hamsters I had previously either) but tolerates the situation and bîtches to my mother when necessary to let off steam. He would NEVER even THINK to threaten to kick Maisie out as a punishment or 'performance incentive'. We kept our horses until the end of their lives; my girl made it to 29 before we had her PTS (for her, not for us). This stepdad is SO FAR out his lane, I'm glad I have 2 knees - one for his crotch, and the other for the POS that euthanased his daughter's ESA dog.
Oh and genuine question, is 72% considered bad for uni in the US? In the UK that's a good grade, I'm pretty sure that's scraping a 2:1 (we go First, 2:1, 2:2, Third. First and 2:1 are considered good. At least when I was last in touch, I'm happy to be corrected!)
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NTA The attitude you have towards your mother's husband is the attitude "HE" gave you. Anyone that suggests placing a beloved pet in the pound, to me, is cruel & speaks volumes to his character. Minding ones own business is a full-time job, he needs to stay employed! Mom takes his side, cut the cord she already has.
WTAF? I can't/don't understand how killing the cat could in any way improve grades. I would be devastated if this happened to me and it would send me into a huge spiral into mental distress. The stepfather really is a piece of filth for suggesting it.
I hate that "respect your elders" c**p. I will respect anyone who shows me respect. Just because you have been walking around this planet for 30 more years doesn't mean you can talk to people any ole way you please.
I feel for OP, but I can't help but be a bit concerned for OP's mother: if her husband feels this entitled to stick his nose in the academics of someone for whom he doesn't provide nor is he an actual parent, I shudder to think how he's punishing his wife when she doesn't bend to his will. Keep her blocked, by all means, but also consider having the bio-father or another relative keep an eye on the mom and D**k
This guy must be related to the father who had his daughter's dog killed.
Well, we both know the cat did a lot of things wrong, just not this thing... But it seems an unhinged connection to make that they're both going with; I remember incredible wastes of time during university years but petting my cat so much it ate into study time wasn't one of them. [Cat hijacking my lap and forcing me to read more like --- if anything, he helped me study.]
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I've always said respect is earned, not demanded and that pathetic excuse of a husband replacement that OP's equally pathetic mother married deserve none. Attacking a poor cat just because of passing grades? Wonder how much the replacement husband got in college/uni himself? Either way, OP isn't living under their roof and as such neither have right to discipline OP, moreso that OP is 19, a uni student, and still passing exams. Hopefully OP is happier now going NC with the pathetic half of his family and said half can go coil themselves around cacti like a spring. Pfffft...
OP should tell his mom to have her nauseating piece of filth husband put down.
Inform your mother that you will no longer be seeing your stepfather so if she wants to see you, it will be without him and outside the home. As well, tell her that when she is ready to leave him, you will help her because I guarantee this psycho is abusing her. Cruelty to animals like this is a classic tell.
Depending on the subject OP is studying that grade can be quite good. My friend studied organic chemistry and she was among the best of her classes with that grade, and having a passing grade was considered good enough, since the subject was so difficult. In my subject, psychology, anything beneath 90% would mean you couldn't get into the master classes, not because you were bad or it was easy, but because there wasn't enough capacity, so people had to almost break themselves to cram in the workload. It didn't mean that those who managed were good psychologists either. Most of them were very callous and cold. I guess that's needed to be able to lock everything out that could distract you, including not getting too invested in your apprenticeships.
You are absolutely correct. I have three kids. My oldest sons step dad was amazing. He understood his role was not to discipline and interfer but to support me as the mom in different ways. When there were things he was concerned about him and I discussed it and I intervened if necessary. He was always there to give advice when asked which kept their communication open and honest. My son loved and respected him until he passed. Now I'm raising my stepkids, they are so much like their Dad and we all miss him. Our kids are not our property and respect is a 2 way street. I did similar with my mother and I'm now 62 and never regretted the decision.
I know I'm late to the party, but I am SO SICK of people demanding respect just for their age. You don't have to be respectful to an abuser. And threatening to take away someone's pet is abusive. Teaching kids to respect adults no matter what is a big part of why so many get abused.
1. Stepdad doesn't get to punish OP because OP doesn't live in his house and this wasn't over something OP did in stepdad's home. 2. Stepdad calling bio dad and telling him to take OP's cat to the pound as punishment is not only an inappropriate punishment but also cruel and heartless; cat's not responsible for OP's exam results and cat doesn't live with stepdad so way out of his lane. 3. OP could have tempered his language a little, but NTA, because someone needed to call out stepdad on his nasty controlling AH behavior. 4. Mom also AH for involving stepdad and then siding with him when it wasn't anything to do with stepdad. Also for wanting OP to show more "patience" so it won't make her life harder. The dude essentially wanted to kill OP's cat!!!! How could Mom be okay with that??? OP did the right thing in blocking both of them, he doesn't need stupid drama like that interfering with his studies.
The mom should pound the husband if he doesn't get a raise at his job. Done!
I'm sorry (not sorry); what is this with pets being treated as disposable objects/emotional weapons? I mean, I have a cat. My parents are my landlords so legally it's up to them whether I'm allowed her and they have the power to tell me to get rid of her at any time. My dad is unhappy with the cat (not this specific cat, any pet in general - he didn't like the hamsters I had previously either) but tolerates the situation and bîtches to my mother when necessary to let off steam. He would NEVER even THINK to threaten to kick Maisie out as a punishment or 'performance incentive'. We kept our horses until the end of their lives; my girl made it to 29 before we had her PTS (for her, not for us). This stepdad is SO FAR out his lane, I'm glad I have 2 knees - one for his crotch, and the other for the POS that euthanased his daughter's ESA dog.
Oh and genuine question, is 72% considered bad for uni in the US? In the UK that's a good grade, I'm pretty sure that's scraping a 2:1 (we go First, 2:1, 2:2, Third. First and 2:1 are considered good. At least when I was last in touch, I'm happy to be corrected!)
Load More Replies... NTA The attitude you have towards your mother's husband is the attitude "HE" gave you. Anyone that suggests placing a beloved pet in the pound, to me, is cruel & speaks volumes to his character. Minding ones own business is a full-time job, he needs to stay employed! Mom takes his side, cut the cord she already has.
WTAF? I can't/don't understand how killing the cat could in any way improve grades. I would be devastated if this happened to me and it would send me into a huge spiral into mental distress. The stepfather really is a piece of filth for suggesting it.
I hate that "respect your elders" c**p. I will respect anyone who shows me respect. Just because you have been walking around this planet for 30 more years doesn't mean you can talk to people any ole way you please.
I feel for OP, but I can't help but be a bit concerned for OP's mother: if her husband feels this entitled to stick his nose in the academics of someone for whom he doesn't provide nor is he an actual parent, I shudder to think how he's punishing his wife when she doesn't bend to his will. Keep her blocked, by all means, but also consider having the bio-father or another relative keep an eye on the mom and D**k
This guy must be related to the father who had his daughter's dog killed.
Well, we both know the cat did a lot of things wrong, just not this thing... But it seems an unhinged connection to make that they're both going with; I remember incredible wastes of time during university years but petting my cat so much it ate into study time wasn't one of them. [Cat hijacking my lap and forcing me to read more like --- if anything, he helped me study.]
Load More Replies... I've always said respect is earned, not demanded and that pathetic excuse of a husband replacement that OP's equally pathetic mother married deserve none. Attacking a poor cat just because of passing grades? Wonder how much the replacement husband got in college/uni himself? Either way, OP isn't living under their roof and as such neither have right to discipline OP, moreso that OP is 19, a uni student, and still passing exams. Hopefully OP is happier now going NC with the pathetic half of his family and said half can go coil themselves around cacti like a spring. Pfffft...
OP should tell his mom to have her nauseating piece of filth husband put down.
Inform your mother that you will no longer be seeing your stepfather so if she wants to see you, it will be without him and outside the home. As well, tell her that when she is ready to leave him, you will help her because I guarantee this psycho is abusing her. Cruelty to animals like this is a classic tell.
Depending on the subject OP is studying that grade can be quite good. My friend studied organic chemistry and she was among the best of her classes with that grade, and having a passing grade was considered good enough, since the subject was so difficult. In my subject, psychology, anything beneath 90% would mean you couldn't get into the master classes, not because you were bad or it was easy, but because there wasn't enough capacity, so people had to almost break themselves to cram in the workload. It didn't mean that those who managed were good psychologists either. Most of them were very callous and cold. I guess that's needed to be able to lock everything out that could distract you, including not getting too invested in your apprenticeships.
You are absolutely correct. I have three kids. My oldest sons step dad was amazing. He understood his role was not to discipline and interfer but to support me as the mom in different ways. When there were things he was concerned about him and I discussed it and I intervened if necessary. He was always there to give advice when asked which kept their communication open and honest. My son loved and respected him until he passed. Now I'm raising my stepkids, they are so much like their Dad and we all miss him. Our kids are not our property and respect is a 2 way street. I did similar with my mother and I'm now 62 and never regretted the decision.
I know I'm late to the party, but I am SO SICK of people demanding respect just for their age. You don't have to be respectful to an abuser. And threatening to take away someone's pet is abusive. Teaching kids to respect adults no matter what is a big part of why so many get abused.
1. Stepdad doesn't get to punish OP because OP doesn't live in his house and this wasn't over something OP did in stepdad's home. 2. Stepdad calling bio dad and telling him to take OP's cat to the pound as punishment is not only an inappropriate punishment but also cruel and heartless; cat's not responsible for OP's exam results and cat doesn't live with stepdad so way out of his lane. 3. OP could have tempered his language a little, but NTA, because someone needed to call out stepdad on his nasty controlling AH behavior. 4. Mom also AH for involving stepdad and then siding with him when it wasn't anything to do with stepdad. Also for wanting OP to show more "patience" so it won't make her life harder. The dude essentially wanted to kill OP's cat!!!! How could Mom be okay with that??? OP did the right thing in blocking both of them, he doesn't need stupid drama like that interfering with his studies.
The mom should pound the husband if he doesn't get a raise at his job. Done!
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