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Many parents wouldn’t dare admit if they had a favorite child. It could cause all sorts of unnecessary family drama. But one woman has thrown caution to the wind and told the world that she likes one of her daughters more than the other.
The mother says she’s at her wits end after her youngest daughter started becoming “woke” and argumentative. The teenager is apparently driving her mom up the wall with her activism and “self-righteous policing.” The woman has now turned to the internet to ask how she can get along better with her child, and stop playing favorites.
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There’s an expectation that parents love each of their children equally
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But one mom is struggling to even like her youngest daughter right now and can’t hide it
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People came forward with loads of advice for the mom
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The mom gave an interesting update after implementing the advice she’d received from netizens
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“Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?”: what the latest research says about favoritism
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Even the most loving families can be quietly divided by favoritism. Though, if you ever ask them, they would likely deny it.
Many parents aren’t deliberately ranking their kids. It’s more a matter of responding to different personality types, shared interests, or behaviors that align with their own expectations. And there are loads of ways parents can show favoritism, sometimes without even realizing it: How they interact with their children, how much money they spend on them, how much time they spend with them, and how much control they exert over them.
A team of researchers recently conducted a meta-analysis of 30 studies involving nearly 20,000 participants. They wanted to find out which children were more likely to be on the receiving end of favoritism from their parents.
They examined how birth order, gender, temperament and personality traits (extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness and neuroticism) were linked to parental favoritism.
“The researchers initially thought that mothers would tend to favor daughters and fathers would favor sons,” reports the American Psychological Association (APA). “However, the study found that both mothers and fathers were more likely to favor daughters.”
The team also found that children who were more agreeable or conscientious tended to receive more positive treatment.
According to lead author Alexander Jensen, PhD, an associate professor at Brigham Young University, siblings who received less favored treatment tended to have poorer mental health and more strained family relationships.
“Understanding these nuances can help parents and clinicians recognize potentially damaging family patterns,” he said. “It is crucial to ensure all children feel loved and supported.”
The research showed that parents were more likely to give older siblings greater autonomy. This could be because they were more mature.
Jensen has a message for anyone who feels there’s some favoritism at play in their family:
“The next time you’re left wondering whether your sibling is the golden child, remember there is likely more going on behind the scenes than just a preference for the eldest or youngest,” Jensen says. “It might be about responsibility, temperament or just how easy or hard you are to deal with.”
People praised the woman for being “an amazing mother”
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What do you think ?
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago (edited)
I'm really happy that everything is doing better. Reading the first post I was under the impression that Izzy struggled with seeing her mother and sister have a special bond she didn't saw herself being a part of (especially since she was very close with Sam growing up and lost that connection) and took it on Sam, and with the update I think I was correct. Being a teen is really hard on the body and mind (even if it's not a reason to be an @sshole) and it seems in the update that the mother is handling her daughter's different personalities with more and more ease.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
The other major red flag for me was when she is horrified her daughter wants to figure out why people believe things, and this is seen as annoying and aggressive And she's maybe not going about it the best way but this is how you learn. Clearly the best way to handle this is just to do your best to explain your position and why, and if you don't know maybe be an adult and think through it. If this is a common occurrence, you can have ready answers although you should already know why you hold positions if you're going to espouse them. It's fine to call time on a discussion, but your kid is trying to understand how people and the world work, don't treat it like an offense, teach her how to discuss things in a better manner. What did you think raising a child is if it isn't explaining the world and your worldview? I guess it's refreshing to have a parent that isn't pushing their ideology or region on their kids, but isnt helping them form their own in the job description?
Nikki Sevven 1 month ago
I thought that was odd, too. How can we understand someone's opinion unless we know WHY they hold that opinion? For example, I'm a woman who dislikes the color pink. A lot of people would wrongly believe that I dislike pink because of gender norms or the patriarchy. In reality, it's just not a pleasing color to my eye (except on flowers). There's nothing deep here; it's just a matter of personal taste.
Load More Replies...
J R 1 month ago
Honestly, Izzy seems like a pretty normal teen. Lots of teens develop new ideas that their parents don't always agree with. And unfortunately, at that age, they see things as very black and white, with everything being a moral issue instead of a preference or possibly moral issue that has shades of gray. Not saying it's necessarily right, and OP was right to address Izzy's rudeness, but it is something lots of kids go through. Often they grow up, sometimes keeping or changing their beliefs, but looking back at their younger selves and cringing at some of their arrogance. Glad OP is taking an interest in Izzy's interests and finding ways to bond with her.
Mark Alexander 1 month ago
TLDR; Mom can't relate to her daughter because her isn't like her. Decides to try listening to daughter and do things that she likes. Good idea what do you call that? Parenting.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
"I want to love my daughter's equally" really shows what's going on. OP clearly hasn't had any previous life experience where she still loves people she doesn't like. And all I can say is she should have done some growing up before her kids but now is a good time to start. Love is about caring who the person is, and building an honest relationship around that being committed to them even when you don't agree., and prioritising their well being over you winning. So the way to love a kid that's different to you is really the same as loving a kid who isn't, understand they are a person, and get to know them. Understand who they are, Izzy clearly enjoys discussion and debate which makes this a lot easier. This is also often a marker of someone who struggles in a mercurial environment. Kids who are bullied or have parents who's moods run house, it's a way to be prepared. But she's interested in justice, so it's not pragmatic but in the hopes of improving the world. Teach her how.
Emilu 1 month ago
So glad to see the OP reflect on her own behaviour, as, realistically, you can only change yourself; you can't change other people even if you want to. I'm probably more sympathetic towards Izzy because I was a bit more like her growing up, but thankfully both my parents were willing to humour me in the politics talk and I also learnt over time that the only person's opinion you need to (potentially) change is the Magistrate's/tribunal member's; trying to change anybody else's opinion is a) annoying and b) rarely worth your time.
K Barnes 1 month ago
It's funny because I think I would click with Izzy and not click with Sam. One is curious and politically active in meaningful causes, one wants to gossip about boys and drama. Mom also loves boys and drama but is the type who think being curious and engaged is confrontational and aggressive, so of course she doesn't click with Izzy and Izzy is pushing back. Glad to see in the update that mom is branching out of her comfort zone to try and meet both daughters where they're at.
mria alternativa 1 month ago
I remember the rebellious times, I guess Izzy's mom doesn't. It's hard being a teenager, and she saw mom and sister being all buddy-buddy, of course she felt hurt. You cling to what comforts you and lash out against what hurts. The comment "you're playing favorites *too*" says so much. I'm glad they're all doing better and that the mom is working on the relationship. (And I'll agree that Anna might be more than just a friend; or maybe Izzy's just happy to have someone.)
Vinnie 1 month ago (edited)
I had a similar thought about the movie interruptions: tell the critic to take notes and wait till the movie's over before commenting out loud. Apart from learning consideration for other viewers, the critic might change their mind by the end of the movie (example: the girly girl turns out to be a b@d@ss in court). I also like the debating group - it might teach Izzy critical thinking, logical fallacies, etc.
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago (edited)
I'm really happy that everything is doing better. Reading the first post I was under the impression that Izzy struggled with seeing her mother and sister have a special bond she didn't saw herself being a part of (especially since she was very close with Sam growing up and lost that connection) and took it on Sam, and with the update I think I was correct. Being a teen is really hard on the body and mind (even if it's not a reason to be an @sshole) and it seems in the update that the mother is handling her daughter's different personalities with more and more ease.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
The other major red flag for me was when she is horrified her daughter wants to figure out why people believe things, and this is seen as annoying and aggressive And she's maybe not going about it the best way but this is how you learn. Clearly the best way to handle this is just to do your best to explain your position and why, and if you don't know maybe be an adult and think through it. If this is a common occurrence, you can have ready answers although you should already know why you hold positions if you're going to espouse them. It's fine to call time on a discussion, but your kid is trying to understand how people and the world work, don't treat it like an offense, teach her how to discuss things in a better manner. What did you think raising a child is if it isn't explaining the world and your worldview? I guess it's refreshing to have a parent that isn't pushing their ideology or region on their kids, but isnt helping them form their own in the job description?
Nikki Sevven 1 month ago
I thought that was odd, too. How can we understand someone's opinion unless we know WHY they hold that opinion? For example, I'm a woman who dislikes the color pink. A lot of people would wrongly believe that I dislike pink because of gender norms or the patriarchy. In reality, it's just not a pleasing color to my eye (except on flowers). There's nothing deep here; it's just a matter of personal taste.
Load More Replies... J R 1 month ago
Honestly, Izzy seems like a pretty normal teen. Lots of teens develop new ideas that their parents don't always agree with. And unfortunately, at that age, they see things as very black and white, with everything being a moral issue instead of a preference or possibly moral issue that has shades of gray. Not saying it's necessarily right, and OP was right to address Izzy's rudeness, but it is something lots of kids go through. Often they grow up, sometimes keeping or changing their beliefs, but looking back at their younger selves and cringing at some of their arrogance. Glad OP is taking an interest in Izzy's interests and finding ways to bond with her.
Mark Alexander 1 month ago
TLDR; Mom can't relate to her daughter because her isn't like her. Decides to try listening to daughter and do things that she likes. Good idea what do you call that? Parenting.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
"I want to love my daughter's equally" really shows what's going on. OP clearly hasn't had any previous life experience where she still loves people she doesn't like. And all I can say is she should have done some growing up before her kids but now is a good time to start. Love is about caring who the person is, and building an honest relationship around that being committed to them even when you don't agree., and prioritising their well being over you winning. So the way to love a kid that's different to you is really the same as loving a kid who isn't, understand they are a person, and get to know them. Understand who they are, Izzy clearly enjoys discussion and debate which makes this a lot easier. This is also often a marker of someone who struggles in a mercurial environment. Kids who are bullied or have parents who's moods run house, it's a way to be prepared. But she's interested in justice, so it's not pragmatic but in the hopes of improving the world. Teach her how.
Emilu 1 month ago
So glad to see the OP reflect on her own behaviour, as, realistically, you can only change yourself; you can't change other people even if you want to. I'm probably more sympathetic towards Izzy because I was a bit more like her growing up, but thankfully both my parents were willing to humour me in the politics talk and I also learnt over time that the only person's opinion you need to (potentially) change is the Magistrate's/tribunal member's; trying to change anybody else's opinion is a) annoying and b) rarely worth your time.
K Barnes 1 month ago
It's funny because I think I would click with Izzy and not click with Sam. One is curious and politically active in meaningful causes, one wants to gossip about boys and drama. Mom also loves boys and drama but is the type who think being curious and engaged is confrontational and aggressive, so of course she doesn't click with Izzy and Izzy is pushing back. Glad to see in the update that mom is branching out of her comfort zone to try and meet both daughters where they're at.
mria alternativa 1 month ago
I remember the rebellious times, I guess Izzy's mom doesn't. It's hard being a teenager, and she saw mom and sister being all buddy-buddy, of course she felt hurt. You cling to what comforts you and lash out against what hurts. The comment "you're playing favorites *too*" says so much. I'm glad they're all doing better and that the mom is working on the relationship. (And I'll agree that Anna might be more than just a friend; or maybe Izzy's just happy to have someone.)
Vinnie 1 month ago (edited)
I had a similar thought about the movie interruptions: tell the critic to take notes and wait till the movie's over before commenting out loud. Apart from learning consideration for other viewers, the critic might change their mind by the end of the movie (example: the girly girl turns out to be a b@d@ss in court). I also like the debating group - it might teach Izzy critical thinking, logical fallacies, etc.
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