Grandmother Doesn’t Get Her Daughter’s Parenting Style And The Woman Wonders If She’s In The Wrong For Not Willing To Change
Every parent has their own style of raising their children as every kid has different needs and different behaviors that have to be dealt with. That means that one way in itself can’t be better than another because the essential thing is the application.
But some parents may think that their methods are the best and want to give advice to anyone who listens and who doesn’t. Especially when it comes to grandparents teaching their children how to bring up their grandchildren.
It’s always awkward when you feel like you know what’s best for your children but your own mom says that what you’re doing is wrong. It definitely puts some doubts and second thoughts in your head. That is why Reddit user wubaiaoa is asking if she is being a jerk for not considering her mom’s opinion about how she raises her children.
More info: Reddit
A mother of two approaches parenting with methods that are not very popular and she asks if she is wrong for not changing them after her own mother disapproves of them
Image credits: Olaf Gradin (not the actual photo)
A 23-year-old woman wanted to hear from people on the internet about whether she was being mean for not considering her mom’s advice about parenting. The original poster (the OP) has two children, a 5-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy and she admits that her parenting style isn’t the most popular.
She explains further what she means. The OP’s parenting doesn’t involve any punishments and is based on praising. In the post she mentions that when her children misbehave, she just ignores them. But in the comments we get to know that she actually does respond to bad behavior and communicates what is wrong to her children. She gives an example: “‘You hit mommy, I don’t want to be near you right now. That hurt.’ It’s a surefire way to get them to behave.”
Bored Panda got in touch with Jennifer Silvers, a professor at UCLA’s Department of Psychology who got her Ph.D. at Columbia University and now is focused on her research of why and how the changes in social and emotional behavior occur in childhood and adolescence. She expressed cautious approval of OP’s method of parenting when children are encouraged through praising rather than trying to stop them from misbehaving by punishing them.
Image credits: wubaiaoa
The OP uses positive encouragement and doesn’t punish her kids and it was working out fine
Image credits: wubaiaoa
The expert told us, “In general, children respond more strongly to warmth and encouragement than to punishment, especially when it is punitive in nature. That said, I am a big fan of “natural consequences” as a form of punishment.”
Dr. Jennifer Silvers gives an example of how she parents her children and you can definitely see parallels to what the Redditor said she does: “if my children are dawdling with a task I will tell them, ‘you can move slowly but that will mean we do not have time for dessert/book/insert favorite reward here’ and then I stick to it – they don’t get to do the fun thing if we in fact run out of time.”
Another thing is that she always listens to her children’s opinions and lets them express themselves however they want
Image credits: wubaiaoa
Another thing that the OP does differently than other parents is letting her children make their own decisions about their bodies. She lets them choose for themselves what they want to wear, if they want to be touched, and what hairstyles they prefer. That is why her daughter now has a shaved head.
Such liberty is not very accepted by wubaiaoa’s parents, especially her mother. The OP gives an example of the family’s disapproval of her methods when during her sister’s wedding, her daughter wanted to wear a suit.
Image credits: wubaiaoa
It upset almost everyone, but the sister eventually got over it and understood that the outfit was the child’s decision. She was disappointed that the girl wouldn’t wear the bridesmaid’s dress and that she wouldn’t match with them in the photo, but she would rather have the girl with the suit in photos than not having her niece in the photos at all.
The sister wasn’t bothered about the son wearing a dress, though, because he was supposed to be a flower boy and his outfit fit the aesthetic.
To the point that she let her daughter wear a suit and her son a dress to their aunt’s wedding, which caused dirty looks
Image credits: wubaiaoa
We were interested to know if such small children are capable of making their own decisions and Dr. Jennifer Silvers agrees that it is healthy to let children make their own decisions accordingly to their age with adults supervising them.
The expert gives an example from her own experience, “I let my children choose what they want to eat at dinner but only among 3-5 healthy food options that I have laid out on the table. I let them choose what to wear in the morning so long as it is among a set of options that is appropriate for the weather outside. It is wonderful to encourage agency in young children but in a way that is consistent with their developmental stage.”
The one who disapproves the most is the children’s grandmother who is convinced that her grandkids don’t love her
Image credits: wubaiaoa
So now we know that children should be encouraged to make age-appropriate decisions. But what about the decision of what they want to be as a person, what identity they want to assume? Dr. Jennifer Silvers points out that understanding of idenity evolves across a person’s lifespan, but it truly all starts at a young age similar to the OP’s children.
“Most children at this age have a strong sense of how they identify in terms of gender but understanding of race and ethnicity tend to be present but take longer to fully develop, as does sexual orientation. Children may express interests that could serve as kindling for future professional identities but few individuals are fully committed to a career path at this age. Similarly, young children might have a strong orientation towards caregiving but it would be impossible for a 4 year-old to say with certainty whether they will someday acquire the identity of “parent.” Children have an emerging sense of identity but the components of this identity will continue to change and develop for decades to come (though not as rapidly as in the first two decades of life).”
The OP is convinced that the grandmother should learn to communicate with them in a different way and that would solve the problem
Image credits: wubaiaoa
Returning back to the incident at the wedding, after a while the OP added an edit to the post and addressed it. The children’s outfits were discussed prior to the wedding and it wasn’t a case of showing up and giving everyone a surprise.
Also, during the day of the wedding, the bride seemed happy and wasn’t upset about it anymore and the mom thinks that she just needed some time to get used to the fact that her niece and nephew would be dressed not in a traditional fashion.
Image credits: wubaiaoa
But the grandmother wasn’t so lenient. She was hurt when her grandchildren would refuse to give her a hug and wear the clothes she bought them or play with toys she gave them. That makes her think that her grandkids don’t like her.
The OP doesn’t get that impression. She thinks that instead of forcing her own expectations on them, the grandmother should try to listen to them and respond accordingly and then the children will accept her.
The grandmother went as far as calling her daughter a neglectful mother that doesn’t teach her kids how life actually works. This didn’t sit well with the OP but she still wants a second opinion on what others think other than people in her friend and family circle.
The grandmother is worried that when the children will grow up, they will get bullied and won’t be able to adapt
Image credits: wubaiaoa
The comments are really mixed. Everyone has a different opinion. Some people thought that wubaiaoa has the right to ignore what her mom is saying because it is her children and she parents them as she sees fit.
People who supported the OP thought that she is raising very aware children who will treat others with kindness and consideration. Those who didn’t have much say in their lives when they were young, felt that they would have liked to have the woman as their mother.
The OP isn’t willing to change her parenting style, but is doubtful; that is why she is asking strangers to look at the situation with objectivity
Image credits: wubaiaoa
There were as many people who disagreed with OP’s parenting methods and saw the grandmother as the reasonable one. They argued that such small children need guidance from their parents who will tell them what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
There were a lot of people commenting on the wedding, too, saying that the mom letting her children dress disobeying the dress code was making a distraction from the bride on her big day and saw it as an inappropriate place to show off their free will in their choices.
In an edit, the woman addressed some comments and the important thing she mentioned was that if her methods will start to fail, she is not against changing them
Image credits: wubaiaoa
When asked about the comments that were saying that these children will have issues at school or in life in general because of the way they were raised the professor wasn’t so categorical. She thinks that it is difficult to predict such things and also, children have an amazing trait of being adaptable, “Children often behave differently in different settings and may acquiesce happily to rules at school that they would not abide by at home. This is actually pretty common because children are quite savvy about adapting to varied social norms as well as to things like peer expectations. This is not to say there will not be hiccups, there very well could be but it’s impossible to say whether there definitely will be without knowing the details of a child’s situation.”
Image credits: wubaiaoa
Another important thing those who oppose wubaiaoa’s parenting style should understand is that there is no one way to raise well behaved, kind and intelligent children. Dr. Jennifer Silvers believes that not all children who experienced abuse will necessarily grow up with mental problems.
Also, “All children are different and while none benefit from harsh or abusive parenting, their needs for structure differ quite a bit. A child who is very sensitive to punishment might only need a stern look from their parent to get in line whereas a child who struggles more with regulating behavior might need more explicit redirecting, correction and natural consequences.”
So it seems that the mother in the story understands that and is not rushing to punish her children more severaly than it needs to be done. Also, the mom has consulted with professionals and it seems that her discipline method is working jutst fine. We also shouldn’t forget that we don’t really know the whole situation and there is probably more to it than the OP let us in on.
Image credits: wubaiaoa
She also addressed the wedding outfits and explained they were agreed upon in advance and didn’t ruin the celebration for the bride
Image credits: wubaiaoa
What would be important to highlight is that the mom is open to changing her parenting style if it won’t work anymore, but for now her children’s behavior doesn’t cause serious problems.
As to whether what is good and bad parenting, it is hard to be decisive on it. As our expert puts it, it “is partially dependent on social and cultural context, which makes it very difficult to provide a single prescription for how to parent well or poorly.”
So the conclusion we could make is that parents should get to know their kids and figure out how they respond to different treatment. Then they can adapt and take measures at the same time always expressing their love and support.
Image credits: wubaiaoa
Even though it is nearly impossible to say whether wubaiaoa is a good parent or not, we can still debate on whether other people have a say in how parents should raise their children. Even if it is their own parents who see the methods as unfit.
Who would you say is the wrong one in this story? Do you feel like the OP needs to consider her own mom’s advice more or she just should allow her intuition to guide her? Let us know in the comments.
The opinions were really mixed and everyone had their own reasoning
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I applaud her letting the children make choices on what toys or clothing they want (my son wanted a doll house for Christmas a few years ago while my doctor wanted dinosaurs and Marvel action figures) but I agree with those saying that the 'just ignore the bad behaviour' bit may bite her in the a**e. It may work when they are young but not so much when those teenage hormones kick in and they deliberately start to test their boundaries.
Did you miss the bit where she said she'd adjust her approach if needed in future?
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"Be the parent you wish you had" is excellent advice. I also always explained to my daughter why certain behavior was inappropriate. Children are better equipped to think through the consequences of their actions after you've explained consequences for years.
Be the parent you wish you had, lemme give you a bad example: My bfs mom used to have super toxic parents. Authoritarian and lots of screaming and punishment. So she became the parent she wished she had and was super laissez-faire with her son and gave lots and lots of praise. To the point that he, my now bf, is disappointed in her for not teaching her how to do household chores/cooking and not having taught how share space (aka taking responsibility in a shared household) with someone else. He has a hard time accepting compliments ("there was a compliment inflation with my mom") and has difficulties giving them...so I'd say that in general the statement is correct and good in nature but in reality...well, depends on people's self awareness....
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So long as her kids are well-adjusted and well-behaved, and don't cause problems for others (other than their not conforming to gender norms or not allowing people to force hugs on them), then I'd say she's doing just fine. I can understand that Grandma wants to hug her grandkids, but mom absolutely has a point in that they're going to have a much better sense of self, boundries and consent by not forcing them to hug her if they don't want to. I think Grandma is just butthurt about it, honestly. Kids are little people, not property.
I applaud her letting the children make choices on what toys or clothing they want (my son wanted a doll house for Christmas a few years ago while my doctor wanted dinosaurs and Marvel action figures) but I agree with those saying that the 'just ignore the bad behaviour' bit may bite her in the a**e. It may work when they are young but not so much when those teenage hormones kick in and they deliberately start to test their boundaries.
Did you miss the bit where she said she'd adjust her approach if needed in future?
Load More Replies... "Be the parent you wish you had" is excellent advice. I also always explained to my daughter why certain behavior was inappropriate. Children are better equipped to think through the consequences of their actions after you've explained consequences for years.
Be the parent you wish you had, lemme give you a bad example: My bfs mom used to have super toxic parents. Authoritarian and lots of screaming and punishment. So she became the parent she wished she had and was super laissez-faire with her son and gave lots and lots of praise. To the point that he, my now bf, is disappointed in her for not teaching her how to do household chores/cooking and not having taught how share space (aka taking responsibility in a shared household) with someone else. He has a hard time accepting compliments ("there was a compliment inflation with my mom") and has difficulties giving them...so I'd say that in general the statement is correct and good in nature but in reality...well, depends on people's self awareness....
Load More Replies... So long as her kids are well-adjusted and well-behaved, and don't cause problems for others (other than their not conforming to gender norms or not allowing people to force hugs on them), then I'd say she's doing just fine. I can understand that Grandma wants to hug her grandkids, but mom absolutely has a point in that they're going to have a much better sense of self, boundries and consent by not forcing them to hug her if they don't want to. I think Grandma is just butthurt about it, honestly. Kids are little people, not property.
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