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98
MIL’s Surprise Visit Backfires After She Drives 8.5 Hours Unannounced
Interview With Author
You can’t choose your family. As much as we would all love to be best friends with our siblings and extremely close with our parents, these relationships are often complex and not without obstacles. And our relationships with in-laws can be even more nuanced, as we don’t have any say in who our partner’s family members are either!
After her mother-in-law showed up unannounced looking for a place to stay, one frustrated mom reached out to Reddit in search of support. Below, you’ll find the full story that she shared, as well as a conversation between the author and Bored Panda.
RELATED:
Having visitors drop by without warning can be stressful
Image credits: halfpoint / envato (not the actual photo)
So this woman quickly put her foot down when her mother-in-law decided to show up for a visit unannounced
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TurtedHen
Later, the author responded to several comments and provided more context about her situation
“This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back”
To find out more about this situation, we reached out to the woman who made this post, Reddit user TurtedHen. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and provide a brief update on what happened later. “She did end up staying in a hotel and drove back just a couple of days later,” the author shared.
We also asked how her relationship with her mother-in-law is today. “I just mostly avoid her. It’s always been rocky, so this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back per se, and it allowed me to finally let her know how I really felt,” the mother explained. “So the distance is understood at this point… I hope.”
And thankfully, TurtedHen appreciated the replies that her post received. “I found them very helpful, and I would refer back to them from time to time whenever I needed a reminder of why I should keep avoiding her,” she shared with a laugh.
Finally, the OP provided some wise words for anyone else who has difficult in-laws. “Stand by your boundaries, and don’t let them work their way around them with manipulative ‘niceness.’ If you give an inch, they’ll take a mile, guaranteed.”
It’s extremely common for mother and daughter-in-laws to have conflicts
Image credits: Ave Calvar / pexels (not the actual photo)
If you’re lucky, when you get married, you gain an additional set of parents who love you and maybe even some new brothers and sisters who will always have your back. But unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone. And for many people, their in-laws are more of a thorn in their side than a bouquet of roses.
According to a 2022 study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, mothers are actually more likely to report having conflicts with their daughter-in-laws than with their actual daughters.
And psychologist and author Terri Apter found while researching for one of her books that a whopping 60% of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships were described as strained, uncomfortable, infuriating, depressing, draining and “simply awful.”
But researchers on this topic note that, if you have issues with your in-laws, it’s not necessarily your fault. Apparently, we’re all hardwired to act in the best interest of our own relatives, which might make it harder to be open and accepting towards in-laws.
And when it comes to mother and daughter-in-laws specifically, Terri Apter writes that both may feel threatened, as they’re both trying to secure the same role within their family: “primary woman.”
So what is the best thing to do if you have a difficult mother-in-law but you want to make it through your marriage and the holidays with minimal conflicts? First, you may want to determine what exactly the issue is with your in-law. Is she entitled, critical, toxic, needy, etc.?
Setting boundaries is necessary with overbearing in-laws
Image credits: Monstera Production / pexels (not the actual photo)
If you think your spouse’s mother may be overbearing, Choosing Therapy breaks down some of the behaviors to look out for. If she’s always around and doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s not a good sign.
An overbearing mother-in-law may also be judgmental, insist that she’s always right or pressure you to behave how she wants you to. She might justify her own actions by saying how much she cares, and she will likely need to be the center of attention.
But thankfully, there are a few tactics that you can use to make encounters with an overbearing mother-in-law less painful. First, it’s important to set boundaries and enforce them. You should also consider where her behavior is coming from if that will help you empathize with her.
If necessary, try to avoid your partner’s mother whenever you can, and always remember to be respectful. Just because she’s treating you poorly doesn’t mean you need to sink to her level. Try to accept that you won’t be able to change her, and give up the idea that you’ll ever reach her unrealistic expectations.
Explain to your partner what it is about her behavior that bothers you, so they can support you and be on your side. And try to figure out how to anticipate your mother-in-law’s actions. This way, you might be able to avoid her triggers and be prepared for how she’ll react in a variety of situations.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. How would you have responded if you were in this woman’s shoes and your mother-in-law suddenly showed up on your doorstep? Feel free to weigh in, and then, if you’d like to read another Bored Panda article discussing similar issues, look no further than right here.
Readers were very supportive of the mom, and many called out her mother-in-law for her entitled behavior
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Mama Clare 12 months ago
This post was from 4 years ago.. I was reading it thinking, jeez so what? But during covid is a bit messed up..
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 12 months ago
Even if it wasn't during covid id be pretty pissed- its a lot to deal with someone in your house and they weren't even prepared because she wasn't considerate enough to ask first
Load More Replies...
SKaye 12 months ago
My mother-in-law "stopped by" with her new partner shortly after I'd separated from my then-husband (her oldest son) because of domestic violence issues. She asked to stay one night, which turned into 4 nights. I had to nearly fight them out of the door! I went VLC after that since my in-laws were unhappy about the separation and wanted me to reconcile with my husband. A few months later, with no warning, she showed up again with her partner, intending to stay! This time, I didn't even let them in. She threatened to take me to court because "I was keeping her from her grandchildren." My two girls were teens, so I told her it was up to them if they wanted to see her or not. They said no. Over time, the relationship evolved into occasionally sending her photos and updates of her grandchildren, and later on, her great-grandchildren, but we never had her in the house again. She had zero sense of boundaries and also believed divorce for any reason was wrong so VLC was all we could handle.
Mark Childers 12 months ago
This is such a wrong thing to happen. It's not like it was back in the 50's when people used to visit people and drop in because they had nothing else to do! Very little television viewing, sports weren't like they are now, and the only place people saw those they knew was at church or work. That's not the case now. People are insanely busy trying to simply exist. No one needs people dropping by unannounced when we have text, email, phone, and social media to let them know. But planning to stay for a week? That's out of the question without notice. I have a very flexible job. If someone gives me 24-48 hours, I can usually arrange my schedule to do anything. Guess how many of my friends give me even a few hours' notice? None of them, and that's why I don't see them, and they get mad at me. I've repeatedly asked, even begged. I know what I'm doing, for the most part, today, tomorrow, and probably at least the next day. They probably do, too. So, if their plans include me, let me know.
Peter Griffin 12 months ago
If it wasn’t during Covid then this would be a perfectly fine scenario
Mama Clare 12 months ago
This post was from 4 years ago.. I was reading it thinking, jeez so what? But during covid is a bit messed up..
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 12 months ago
Even if it wasn't during covid id be pretty pissed- its a lot to deal with someone in your house and they weren't even prepared because she wasn't considerate enough to ask first
Load More Replies... SKaye 12 months ago
My mother-in-law "stopped by" with her new partner shortly after I'd separated from my then-husband (her oldest son) because of domestic violence issues. She asked to stay one night, which turned into 4 nights. I had to nearly fight them out of the door! I went VLC after that since my in-laws were unhappy about the separation and wanted me to reconcile with my husband. A few months later, with no warning, she showed up again with her partner, intending to stay! This time, I didn't even let them in. She threatened to take me to court because "I was keeping her from her grandchildren." My two girls were teens, so I told her it was up to them if they wanted to see her or not. They said no. Over time, the relationship evolved into occasionally sending her photos and updates of her grandchildren, and later on, her great-grandchildren, but we never had her in the house again. She had zero sense of boundaries and also believed divorce for any reason was wrong so VLC was all we could handle.
Mark Childers 12 months ago
This is such a wrong thing to happen. It's not like it was back in the 50's when people used to visit people and drop in because they had nothing else to do! Very little television viewing, sports weren't like they are now, and the only place people saw those they knew was at church or work. That's not the case now. People are insanely busy trying to simply exist. No one needs people dropping by unannounced when we have text, email, phone, and social media to let them know. But planning to stay for a week? That's out of the question without notice. I have a very flexible job. If someone gives me 24-48 hours, I can usually arrange my schedule to do anything. Guess how many of my friends give me even a few hours' notice? None of them, and that's why I don't see them, and they get mad at me. I've repeatedly asked, even begged. I know what I'm doing, for the most part, today, tomorrow, and probably at least the next day. They probably do, too. So, if their plans include me, let me know.
Peter Griffin 12 months ago
If it wasn’t during Covid then this would be a perfectly fine scenario
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