MIL Freaks After Woman’s Decision: “We Didn’t Want Her To Meet The Baby”

Parents-to-be have a lot of things to consider before welcoming a new life into the world. While diapers, bottles, food, clothes, and cribs may take up the most space in their minds, it’s also important to think about how the delivery itself is going to happen. This is where a birth plan comes into play, which allows parents to choose things they would like to include in it and helps to keep everyone on the same page. 

This couple also meticulously planned how their baby’s delivery was going to go since they had a traumatic experience the first time. However, MIL wasn’t exactly satisfied with it as she wasn’t included, which caused quite the family drama.

Scroll down to find a conversation with certified nurse midwife and founder of Byenveni Baby, Sara Holt, and pregnancy coach, doula, and founder of StrengthLoveBirth.com, Bethany Dykman, who kindly agreed to tell us more about including other people in birth plans. 

Having a birthing plan in place is a great way to get everyone involved on the same page

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Image credits: Wesley Tingey/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Even though this MIL wasn’t included, she still tried squeezing into the birthing plan, which majorly stressed out the parents-to-be

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“There is no room in a birth plan for someone else’s dreams and desires”

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Image credits: Getty Images/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

“A birth plan is a document that helps new parents communicate their wishes for labor and birth with the hospital staff,” says certified nurse midwife and founder of Byenveni Baby, Sara Holt.

“Labor can be an overwhelming time for birthing people and their partners—stress, fatigue, and worry can cloud one’s thoughts and hinder the ability to make important decisions. A birth plan can serve as an anchor to the priorities of the expectant family. Just the process of creating a birth plan can help the birthing couple learn more about the options that are available for birth,” she further explains.

It also greatly benefits the staff that attends the delivery, notes pregnancy coach, doula, and founder of StrengthLoveBirth.com, Bethany Dykman. “At a glance, for example, a nurse just arriving to their shift for the day can see what is most important to this person giving birth in this room.”

Parents-to-be can listen and consider the opinions of their loved ones about the birth plan, but the final and most critical decisions should be made only by them, both experts say.

“As a new family is formed, this is an ideal time for new parents to begin focusing on their own desires and philosophies for parenting. While a new family may want to consider others’ hopes and desires, those factors should not be forefront while making critical decisions. I believe that the earlier these boundaries are set (and enforced!) the easier it will be going  forward!” says Holt.

“When it comes to actually putting words on paper, though, those words and thoughts should only be those of the birthing parents. There is no room in a birth plan for someone else’s dreams and desires. This is a document for you to express your wishes for a plan for the birth of your child from your body,” adds Dykman.

“If all else fails, usually the hospital staff are great at crowd control!”

Newborn baby wrapped in a blanket, peacefully sleeping in a hospital bassinet.

Image credits: Jimmy Conover/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

One aspect of the birth plan that might in particular require a lot of thinking is who to allow in the delivery room during birth, as having a dedicated support person nearby is very important. According to statistics, the most common companion that was present during delivery was the husband or partner (63.5%), followed by the mother or mother-in-law with 21.3%

“The only people who should be in the delivery room are those who will fully support the birthing person and will not bring in any undue stress, worry, or needs that detract from the birth,” says Dykman. “The birthing couple, a midwife or doctor, the nurses and other trained hospital personnel, a carefully vetted doula, a trusted friend or family member—these are the people most likely to truly keep the birthplace safe and supported.”

However, chances are that some people highly anticipate being there for the delivery, while the parents might not be as happy at the thought of them being there. This means that they’ll have to turn them down, even if it might be uncomfortable. 

“As a doula, I have seen the anguish of many women who don’t know how to tell their anxious mothers that their presence in the delivery room is not welcome. However, this is the time for good vibes only! If you have any misgivings about how someone might react during the labor and birth of your child, don’t risk it! Trust your intuition on this one and only invite those who give you a sense of peace and safety. These are the most important qualities in a birth entourage,” Bykman explains.

While informing that a certain person won’t be able to participate in the delivery, Holt advises starting with expressing gratitude and then following up with one of the scripts she provided below:

1. “We’ve decided to keep our birthing time very private, so we won’t be including other people.”
2. “We’ve learned that for X’s body to relax fully during labor, it’s best not to have extra people in the birth space. Thanks for your understanding!”
3. “We know you were hoping to be present during the birth, but we’ve decided to keep this time intimate. We will be sure to notify you as soon as baby arrives.”
4. “X is feeling very vulnerable about labor, so to honor her privacy, we’ve decided to limit people in the room.”

Another alternative that Bykam suggests is distracting the loved ones by keeping them busy. “Often, if they feel helpful somewhere else, they are satisfied. Let them watch the other kids, watch the dog, and clean the nursery. Get them busy helping and they will hopefully be happily distracted while you labor in peace.”

“If all else fails, usually the hospital staff are great at crowd control!” says Holt. “They may be able to assist in clearing out the room if extra people arrive.”

The majority of readers thought the couple did  the right thing

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While some believed the ultimatum was ridiculous

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