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30 Men Who Have Cheated On Partners Get Brutally Honest In Discussing Why They Did It
Interview
It’s many people’s worst nightmare. You happen to glance at your partner’s phone and see a flirty message from a name you don’t recognize, or you notice they’ve been “working late” a few too many times recently. Betraying a partner's trust by cheating is one of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship, yet somehow, nearly a quarter of men admit to having been unfaithful.
To get to the bottom of why people commit infidelity, one curious Reddit user asked men who have cheated to share their reasoning. Hundreds of men weighed in with brutally honest answers, so below, you can find some insight into what makes a cheater, as well as conversations with the person who started this conversation and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Shane Birkel.
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I’m seeing a whole lot of excuses. “Our relationship was sexless” “it was boring” “we didn’t really connect anymore” “I met someone who was the opposite and got excited I miss her everyday” “I was young” s**t excuse after s**t excuse. Just break up. That’s deada*s all what you needed to do.
My bf of 10 years cheated, the excuse......it's my fault. I have terminal cancer and it's my fault. He didn't ask to have a gf with cancer, so.......I am leaving and living what's left of my life without his lieing, cheating, alcoholic a*s! They broke the mold when they made him....he's a real winner!
To OP-you are so strong and radiant and he can stfu. You're worthy, you're loved, you matter.
To learn more about how this conversation started in the first place, we reached out to Reddit user Aggravating-Angel217, who posed the question, "Men that have cheated, why did you do it?" Lucky for us, the OP was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain what inspired her to spark this discussion. "Personally, I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated on in every relationship," she shared.
"I feel as though people that get cheated on never truly have an answer as to why it happened: was it something we did, were our partners not satisfied with us, are we lacking something, ect.," she explained. "So I was looking to see if anyone had a reason they were willing to share behind the anonymity of a screen name."
We were fighting a lot and I thought the relationship was gonna end inevitably regardless of whether or not I cheated. So the opportunity came up on its own and I took it, zero hesitation.
I didn't know cheating would kill any small possibility of us getting better and growing together. By cheating, I essentially admitted through my actions that I had no respect for her. We tried to patch things up and make it work afterwards, but it couldn't work because I've already proven to her and myself that I'm not gonna be faithful when times get tough. I wasn't loyal or committed to anyone but myself.
Since then I've had to really be honest with myself and learn how immature, irresponsible and disgusting that was for me to do. It's easily my biggest regret in life. I lost a really good girl who was smart, beautiful, funny and caring, all because I wanted a quick nut. I think she easily could've been the one if I just put in the effort to make things work. But I didn't, and I lost her and now she's gone forever. And if God ever gives me a second chance at love, I'll never make the same mistake.
I’m gay. Was with a woman to try and tell myself I wasn’t. Wanted to make my family happy.
I feel terrible for doing it and I still kick myself for not being honest about who I am because I hurt people.
I did it more than once. I feel bad for lying to her and everyone and causing a lot more drama than was necessary.
So yeah. I wasn’t able to be honest with myself which in turn made me a cheater. I’m good now but I still feel bad about what I did. Wasn’t right.
We were also curious what the OP's thoughts were on the responses to her post. "I mean, half the answers were a joke, which was fine as it kind of cheered me up from my depressed state after finding out I had once again been cheated on, but it also made me feel better knowing some people did have regrets and wished they had gone about things differently," she shared.
We then asked Aggravating-Angel217 if she thinks cheating must always signify the end of a relationship, or if there are times when couples can work through it. "I feel as though cheating should mean an end to a relationship because your partner was out seeking others after they made a commitment," she noted. "However, I went and did the opposite of my opinion and stayed with my partner because well... Sometimes love makes you blind to the red flags."
Because I was trying to find value and my self-worth in sleeping with women. Growing up, I was far from being a ladies' man. In college, I worked on myself to improve my self-confidence as all my life I had been longing to have someone who liked me back. All I ever wanted was to have a girlfriend. As my self-esteem grew, so did my luck with the ladies.
Eventually, I was able to get a girlfriend, someone who was good to me, but I wasn't satisfied. I continued to look for validation from other women, which turned into cheating on her. I thought that I had discovered self-confidence because I could be more social and was more outgoing, but I realized that on the inside, I was still insecure.
Growing up in my family, there were no good examples of healthy relationships either. All my uncles were womanizers. This probably had an impact on me as well.
Finally, the OP had some wise words for anyone out there who's in a relationship but still has a wandering eye. "If [you're] considering cheating, don’t. Either leave the relationship or communicate with your partner on things that are lacking. Heck, you might find your partner is willing to open the relationship and didn’t know how to bring it up first. But don’t hurt and possibly damage someone’s mentality for the rest of their life just for a little side action."
I'll fall on the sword here. You want an honest answer, so here goes:
My wife and I started dating when I was 18. Things were good for a long while, and we had a pretty active sex life. One day, after over 2 years of dating, she felt convicted over us having sex before we were married. I asked, "is our not being married the only thing holding things back from being what they were", and she said yes. I loved her, so I figured why not take the next step, and I proposed to her that Christmas.
Fast forward to the fall when we finally got married, and nothing changed. On our wedding night, nothing. I figured we were both tired from the wedding and reception, so no big deal. For the first month afterward, nothing. I asked what was wrong and why weren't we connecting, and she couldn't give me an answer. This went on for months, and I started looking at p**n more frequently to get a release.
One day she checked my browser history and confronted me on my p**n use. This turned into a confrontation about our lack of a sex life, and her inability to communicate with me what the block was. I tried candles and music. I tried nice dates. I tried massages. Anything my young mind could muster. It all just ended up with her just going to bed. I remember asking her what she expected me to do, since she didn't want to have sex with me and she didn't want me looking at p**n (Not trying to justify p**n, but I was getting nowhere with her). In the first 6 months of our young marriage, I think we had sex maybe 1-2 times.
We tried doing counseling at the church we were going to, and we got nowhere with that as well. At this point, I think it was maybe 7-8 months of being married and things still weren't changing. There was a woman I worked with that I ended up getting closer to because we worked in the same department. I was venting one day out of frustration and she expressed interest (it was a long time ago, so I don't remember exactly what she said, but it caught my attention). A month or so later, she "jokingly" invited me to her house. I went, and we had sex. I remember feeling bad immediately after. I took the time to muster up the courage and confessed it to my wife.
Naturally, she was devastated, and we took some time apart, but she didn't want to leave me. We did counseling again, but nothing changed. At that point, I was ready to call it quits, and I told her as such. She ended up having a conversation with a lady at church that changed her mind in a way I couldn't. We apologized to each other, and she acknowledged how her rejection on a consistent basis almost destroyed our marriage, and I apologized for doing something I knew would hurt her. I truly did love her, but I felt neglected, and because of that, I acted out.
We've had a lot of ups and downs, but we're still married to this day. I'm really grateful to the woman she talked to at church, because whatever she said to my wife made the lightbulb go off. Now that I'm older, sex isn't nearly the issue it once was, but it almost killed our marriage.
TL:DR: Wife wouldn't have sex after getting married, and I met someone that would. I tried to get her to come around, but she wouldn't until I cheated. She chose to stay with me and we worked it out. It's been 15 years now.
I was young and immature enough to be susceptible to all the pop culture messaging that says being a player makes you “cool”. One night when I was out getting super drunk with my buddy, I met a girl and decided I wanted to be cool.
Woke up the next day feeling awful. Came clean to my girlfriend. I was so impressed by her not leaving me, I decided to propose a few months later.
After several s****y years and a divorce, I’ve learned 2 important lessons: (1) just because someone says the words “I forgive you” doesn’t mean that they actually mean it, and they could still bring up your mistakes years later every time you get in an argument, and (2) just because someone does one really amazing thing (like forgiving you), doesn’t mean you should ignore all the other unrelated problems in your relationship.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s forgotten and sometimes forgiveness isn’t a stable concept. One day you can whole heartedly forgive someone and be in a really good space but the next you can find yourself feeling differently. Especially if something happened to make them less secure in the relationship. I imagine the woman did forgive but she definitely never forgot or moved on.
To gain more insight on this topic, we also reached out to Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and host of the Couples Therapist Couch podcast, Shane Birkel, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. First, we wanted to know how common he believes cheating is. "By the time people go to Couples Therapy, they're usually feeling stress in their relationship. One of the most common reasons they are feeling stress is because of infidelity," Shane explained. "For that reason, I'd say my practice isn't a good sample size compared to the general population."
Honest answer is that it was all about me and my insecurities. Had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t very attractive to anyone in high school or even college. Huge nerd and all. Barely lost my virginity at the end of college and nobody was into me. Later on in life, I had some professional success and made a bit of money. Obviously it wasn’t real and I should’ve been stronger and smarter, but very attractive women were into me and competing with each other for my attention for the first time in my life. I’d never had the experience of being the cool one at the party, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Yes, I cheated. No, nothing she did brought it on. It wasn’t her fault, and she couldn’t have prevented it in any way. I just had to learn the hard way what really mattered in life. The good news is, she’s my true love, and she stuck by me through it. Now, I’m so devoted to her I couldn’t imagine even considering another woman.
Here's the truth: if a person cheats, it is NEVER the partner's fault. The person who cheats had a choice. They made a choice. No one tricked them (actually, that's called "assault"). Now they may have excuses and justifications, and some of those may be understandable and reasonable, but it doesn't change the fact that a choice was made.
Immaturity, and self centeredness. My wife and I were almost “forced” to be together at the beginning because I got her pregnant while we were broken up. So the first couple years was really tough as I was about 18 and she was 17 when it all happened. We decided to try and make things work, which resulted in incredible toxicity for the first 3-4 years of my kids life. I made many mistakes and one day she got fed up and left me. I had never been closer to suicide in my life, losing my kid, my girl, my Pets. I’ll never forget walking into my once lively and energetic apartment to nothing but quietness and darkness. I screamed into my pillow for hours crying and beating myself up. It caused me to stand up, and do my best to become a better man. After a year of fighting to get her back, We have now been married for 4 years going on 5 and have accomplished so much together. I don’t even get the urge to cheat because the pain of losing my family is far greater than any temptation of pleasure could make worth it. I was blessed that my wife decided to give me a chance and let me show her I will grow. Now I am a multi-business owner, she owns multiple businesses, we have two kids now, and an incredible life to share together. I was very lucky to have that happy ending when many others, rightfully so, will cut it off and never look back.
Whatever idiot adults forced them to be together because she got pregnant made this mess. And I don't believe they are happy just because they are more financially stable
And when it comes to some of the most common reasons men choose to cheat, Shane shared that they may be seeking "a sense of excitement, to feel connection, to feel desired, or as an escape from the stresses of family life."
"Making the choice to cheat is breaking a contract. Men are socialized to not be connected to their emotions or be able to express their emotions very easily," the expert went on to explain. "Because of this emotional immaturity, they often have a hard time communicating their true feelings in a relationship, so they might have an affair to subconsciously bring things to a head or even end the relationship."
"This also explains why even good men sometimes cheat," Shane added. "They just don't have the skills to be able to communicate with their partner and instead, seek to get needs met elsewhere."
Because I was young and self centered and didn’t really love her.
Btw these don’t excuse cheating but they do describe the reality of my situation as a weak man.
I have because after not being touched in a sexual or non-sexual way for 6months, the attention from another person is intoxicating and wanted to be honest.
I think I'm just used for money and quality time as long as any of that time does not involve sex in any way anymore.
I didn't cheat for sex. I wanted to connect with another human who did want to actually touch me
If you're not fulfilled in your current relationship and feel used, leave it and find someone else.
Shane also shared that relationships can absolutely be saved after one partner cheats, but it's going to take hard work. "There has to be a true desire by both partners to make the relationship work," he explained. "One of the first things couples need to do is cut off contact with the affair partner. The affair is a huge trauma, which in itself is a very difficult thing to recover from, but to make matters more complicated, the very person who traumatized you is the one who you are depending on for support and love and healing."
"Affairs can easily take 2-3 years to recover from," the therapist added. "Usually, the person who was betrayed has a lot of hurt and anger and sadness and they are looking for their partner to lean into the discomfort and give them acceptance and compassion. The partner who had the affair often just wants to be trusted and for things to go back to normal. This creates a dynamic where every time the betrayed partner tries to talk about their feelings, the partner involved in the affair is dismissive or minimizing, or tries to fix the emotions which is invalidating."
Out of anger, frustration, and stupidity. I miss her every day.
Good. I hope you do! I'm going through this heartbreaking crushing feeling right this second so... that's how I feel.
My ex had untreated, undiagnosed ADHD. Every day was a crisis from day #1. We had a crisis every day for six years. I was a doormat and sacrificed every single need I had, the very essence of my personality and self esteem.
One day she asked to open up the relationship. Everything went downhill from there.
We are currently in the process of a divorce. I’m working out how to be a better man out of this mess. I don’t wish her ill, and hope we both find peace.
I get why you are divorcing. I lived a long time with undiagnosed ADHD and it's hell on wheels. You honestly don't see what you're doing to others. Looks to me like you did your best. She's going to need some years and work to learn to live with her diagnosis and manage it. I'd suggest you get some therapy if possible, learn what you can, and remind yourself that you were in a brutal situation.
We also asked Shane if he had any advice for individuals out there who may be considering cheating on their partner. "I have seen so many situations, where someone decided to have an affair and then it completely ruined their life, and they almost always wish they could go back," he told Bored Panda. "A good question to ask yourself if you're thinking about having an affair is, 'Why do I need to act impulsively?' If you have an affair, it will either lead to the end of your relationship or 2-3 years of misery and hard work to recover. Why not just face the problems in your relationship first, live within your own integrity, and talk to your partner? If you feel a need to rush it, that's probably not a good sign."
It's very addictive being wanted. Especially if you aren't often. The shame makes it worse strangely enough. You can't really talk to anyone about being tempted or even crossing the line. There's no support system from your friends or family that tell you you're an idiot. And being addicted it's very thought telling yourself.
Because I was 6 months into a sex ban, being verbally and emotionally abused, and she had just cheated for the 3rd time, and blamed me for it.
So I f****d her best mate, and suddenly I was the bad guy.
Her best mate wasn't as best either. These three look like the circle of hell.
"If you feel like you can't talk to your partner, it's also important to surround yourself with other supportive people like friends, family or even a therapist," Shane added. "Getting other people's perspectives or seeing a therapist can give you a lot more clarity and help you make a more grounded decision."
If you'd like to hear even more words of wisdom from the marriage and relationships expert, be sure to visit Shane's website right here!
I think for me it boiled down to being checked out emotionally but without the spine or backbone to end it
The general excuse I used to make myself feel better about the s****y actions were we weren't compatible anyway.
But that had nothing to do with the damage I caused to the heart. I'm a little more remorseful and try to be considerate these days but I fully expect karma to come throw the egg on my face some day.
It was late and I was groggy, she initiated and I was lonely. Rationalized it out as we hadn't been dating that long and had never actually discussed exclusivity, besides, it was only hand stuff. I was more providing a service.
Older and wiser... for anyone who doesn't know, cheating is not really about what you do. It's about whether or not your partner would be upset if they found out and/or if you're doing something that you've talked about not doing. Basically the problem with cheating is lying and sneaking.
If you feel the urge to cheat it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. At the end of the day you either wanted something bad enough that you were willing to hurt someone you care about or you didn't care about them at all. Either it's time to talk.
I was 18 and it was my freshman year of college and I had recently lost my virginity to my then gf at the time. Went home for thanksgiving and a girl I went to high school with made a move on me and I went along with it.
We didn’t have sex but regardless I felt terrible afterwards and haven’t cheated again since. My ex never found out about it. Lesson learned. Cheating is never worth it.
Some people say once a cheater, always a cheater. I think it’s different when they were really young. They lacked maturity, relationships weren’t necessarily as serious, I get this one. But that’s because I absolutely cheated in my past but not since I was 18. So maybe I’m justifying but I would never cheat now. Freshman year of college and 9 months deep versus married and together for nearly 17 years. They aren’t comparable even though I loved them both.
Because I was a selfish a*****e
yep. It boils down to this plus neglect on the other side. You do not cheat on someone who is amazing to you. I can tell that from my own experience. Once a person becomes s****y and abusive you feel zero loyalty to them.
Because I forgot what a healthy relationship was like.
After 3 years together, my then gf and I kinda ended up in a rut, in hindsight we stayed together longer than we should have. We were living together but had already grown apart too much.
She eventually told me, pretty much in passing, "Hey, btw, just a heads up, *male best friend from college* has expressed that he has feelings for me, but idk if that's mutual or not yet, so I'll keep you posted I guess".
That level of disloyalty and blatant disrespect straight to the face broke something in me. She had managed to shatter every last ounce of self respect I had left after months of dealing with her b******t. Deep down I knew the end was coming and started to pull away.
I went out drinking one night while visiting my parents with some of my high school friends and met a girl I knew vaguely from highschool as well. I didn't even mean for it to happen, I had brushed of every advance whatsoever since I got serious with my girlfriend, like I should've, but after her comment about her friend I just didn't have the energy anymore.
And man, I had just forgotten what that was like. To have someone actually be excited to see you. To not feel talked down to. To have someone be genuinely interested in what you're up to and what you have to say. To not have every conversation you have end in a rant about what you're doing wrong and how you're useless. To have any form of intimacy that doesn't feel like a chore that's just for her benefit.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I won't regret it for a second either. I know for a fact, with 100% positive, willing to bet my house and life savings levels of certainty, my ex gf would've done the exact same, and more, had she been in the same situation.
It felt like a wake up call. We broke up the next day and I honestly felt like I'd been freed. I ended up dating the girl I met that night for 6 months.
I don't condone cheating, ever. I'm not proud of what I did. I've reflected on that time extensively, both by myself and in therapy, and honestly, I did everything I could. I know I wasn't perfect, but she wasn't either, and I know for f*****g sure I tried everything I could to make that relationship work out, and it didn't. I'm not proud of what I did, but I sure as hell don't regret it either.
THIS. "And man, I had just forgotten what that was like. To have someone actually be excited to see you. To not feel talked down to. To have someone be genuinely interested in what you're up to and what you have to say. To not have every conversation you have end in a rant about what you're doing wrong and how you're useless. To have any form of intimacy that doesn't feel like a chore that's just for her benefit." That is the key reason. Do NOT neglect your partner or s**t on them all the time.
Because I’m a piece of s**t. Next question.
I was 18 and kissed another girl while drunk. I felt terrible and made my girlfriend (long distance) feel really s****y but she also understood it was more of a lapse than any sort of emotional or really even sexual violation. She was way too cool about it. I’d never want to do it again.
OP is VERY lucky! 1) that they were forgiven and 2) that the partner WAS ACTUALLY ABLE to let it go and move on
She was withholding sex whenever I said something slightly wrong in her eyes. She would do this for months at a time because one time she asked if she should lose weight and I said « you should do what you feel is best
Alcohol mixed with being wanted by someone beautiful. I know it’s not a good excuse and sure I’m an a*s, but you wanted an honest answer and I’m sure I’m not the only one
Being wanted by someone you view as attractive can make you feel really good about yourself. I can understand that. I can understand the urge to cheat, wanting to cheat. But the bit you have control over is your actions. Acting on those urges is where people become at fault. There is far more here than the part OP shared, whether it’s about his view of himself and his own attractiveness and worthwhile-ness or something along those lines, or if it’s about his relationship and what the issue is between them. This is a very superficial explanation in my opinion.
At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. Hear me out: my wife had an anxiety disorder which made sex painful. I thought I would get that need met somewhere else to take the pressure off her. I thought I loved her (I did according to what I thought love was at the time) so I didn't want her to be upset for not meeting my "needs". I justified it to myself that way for awhile. I learned in the end that we were just unhappy together. Pro tip: don't get married young or thinking it will solve any problems. We were divorced just under 5 years later. She is remarried and has been for many years. I have had one relationship that lasted 2 months, 12 years ago. I never want to hurt anyone like that ever again, so much so that I've avoided relationships.
Two words: informed consent. Once you remove that, you are being deceptive and abusive.
If I’m going to keep being accused of it might as well do it.
Wanted to try something new. Needless to say, the relationship went bust thereafter.
Honestly, it was the chance of a lifetime. She is the perfect girl, I had loved and chased her on and off since high school, we had been vague acquaintances at best, I doubted she knew my name. One day she messages me out of the blue if I was still living in the city I was living in, that she had some business and that we could meet up. We meet and have an amazing time, there's some alcohol. She comes back to my house and says she's had a crush on me since high school as well, we decide to play a drinking game which becomes a taking of clothes game. I'm laying on my bed drunk in my underwear, she's standing beside the bed naked and says "now what", and then I just couldn't contain myself anymore. I have absolutely zero regrets.
Having trouble reconciling "I had loved and chased her on and off since high school" with "I doubted she knew my name." "Chasing" someone who doesn't even know your name is a little sus...
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I don't think people who cheat (let's make this genderless because it is) truly realise how deep trust and self esteem issues they leave behind. It's a literal trail of destruction. So for the love of God, break up before instead of breaking up after with aggravating circumstances. For those who grew out of it together, congratulations. I sure as hell can't forgive, but props to people who can.
I totally agree. Whether the person is male or female or nonbinary, being cheated on is such a violation of trust and such a crushing blow to the self esteem, it hurts no matter who you are.
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So where is the shocking part? People do cheat, big surprise... it's normal to feel attracted to other people now and then. The difference is how it is handled and I am the opinion it's better to talk open, then you either find a solution that works for both or break up, still tough but at least either way you'd be free of the guilt of secrecy. And yes I absolutely think you can tell your partner if you feel attracted to somebody else, the partner is the person you should be closest to. I know many people who say if my partner just mentioned thinking of it he can go... well don't be surprised if he does lie to you then.
Sometimes I write stuff, and then later I think: nah. Nobody cares what I think. This was one of those moments. Hey, I love ya, BP! Believe me, it's better if I just keep quiet in the corner over here.
yeah if you say negative stuff here you get downvoted till your account gets blocked. It's happened to me a few times. People use it as a kind of punishment if they disagree with you. Downvote should only be used against hate speech people and spammers.
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I don't think people who cheat (let's make this genderless because it is) truly realise how deep trust and self esteem issues they leave behind. It's a literal trail of destruction. So for the love of God, break up before instead of breaking up after with aggravating circumstances. For those who grew out of it together, congratulations. I sure as hell can't forgive, but props to people who can.
I totally agree. Whether the person is male or female or nonbinary, being cheated on is such a violation of trust and such a crushing blow to the self esteem, it hurts no matter who you are.
Load More Replies... So where is the shocking part? People do cheat, big surprise... it's normal to feel attracted to other people now and then. The difference is how it is handled and I am the opinion it's better to talk open, then you either find a solution that works for both or break up, still tough but at least either way you'd be free of the guilt of secrecy. And yes I absolutely think you can tell your partner if you feel attracted to somebody else, the partner is the person you should be closest to. I know many people who say if my partner just mentioned thinking of it he can go... well don't be surprised if he does lie to you then.
Sometimes I write stuff, and then later I think: nah. Nobody cares what I think. This was one of those moments. Hey, I love ya, BP! Believe me, it's better if I just keep quiet in the corner over here.
yeah if you say negative stuff here you get downvoted till your account gets blocked. It's happened to me a few times. People use it as a kind of punishment if they disagree with you. Downvote should only be used against hate speech people and spammers.
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