You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? Well, it’s true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. That doesn’t mean ignoring your health though. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctor’s instructions – and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish.
Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift.
If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friend’s shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? Yeah, I thought so too. Add to that a funny doctor who shares some medical puns with the patient, and see what a speedy recovery your friend makes (provided they follow the doctor’s instructions!).
Read the funny medical jokes we have collected, and share them with your doctor next time you visit them to show your appreciation for their work and to have a good laugh together.
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"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
"During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting."
"I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair."
Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies, "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim."
The surgeon responds, "I know. I'm Jim."
"After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. She said, "Who was that?"
A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Great for Sept 19th !! (International Talk Like A Pirate Day)
Woman on the phone: "My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now?"
“Give him a headache!” says the doctor.
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug."
Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”
The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.
Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."
"Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."
Patient: “Please help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.”
Doctor: “Do you drink often?”
Patient: “Not really, I end up spilling most of it.”
Doctor: "You are very ill."
Patient: "Is it okay if I get a second opinion?"
Doctor: "Of course! You are very ugly too."
*crushed* Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.
“Is my time up?” she asked him.
“No,” God answered, “you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.
After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. However, while crossing the street on the way out, she was hit by a car and immediately died.
When arriving in front of God, the woman asked, “I thought you said I had another 40 years?! Why didn’t you save me?”
“I didn’t recognize you,” God replied.
One day, a woman walks into a doctor’s office.
She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.
“What’s wrong with me?” she asks the doctor.
“You’re not eating properly,” he replies.
Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough!
Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”
A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Nurse: Doctor! Why is there a rectal thermometer behind your ear?!" Doctor: "d@mm¡t! Some @$$#øle has my pen!"
A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
A man takes his wife to get tested.
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, "Due to an unfortunate mix-up with the lab, we are not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer"
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, "Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?"
The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in."
"I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. Sigh..."
How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?
“Urology office — can you hold?”
Doctor: “Mr. Jones, you may want to sit down. I have some bad news and some very bad news… which would you like to hear first?”
Mr. Jones: “Oh jeez, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The bad news” doctor notes, “is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.”
Mr. Jones: “What?!” the man goes, “How could there possibly be worse news than that?!”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, “Hello, I want to know if there’s any sign that a patient is improving at all.”
The receptionist asks, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
“Of course,” the woman replied, “Sarah Finkel, Room 304.”
The receptionist responds by saying, “Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!”
“That’s fantastic,” the woman replied, “oh, I’m so thrilled!”
“From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?”
The woman replied, “I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me a word.”
A patient went to their optometrist and said, “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Any idea what it could be?”
The optometrist replied, “Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.”
Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?
No worries, I hear he’s all right now!
Nurse: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”
"My dermatologist was fired today. I’m told he made too many rash decisions."
My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
Doctor: "Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And your brother named them for you."
Woman: "No, no, no! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"
Doctor: "Denise."
Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?"
Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew."
Patient: "What's my life expectancy?"
Doctor: "120."
Patient: "120 what? Days? Weeks? Months?"
Doctor: "119..."
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
Doctor: “I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Any news on how he’s doing?”
Nurse: “So far, still no change.”
A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh no, honey. What happened?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat.
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.
Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”
Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”
As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”
A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.”
“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”
What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.
Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… Not only from curiosity.”
Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”
Doctor: “I am treating you.”
Me: “You’re just staring at me.”
Doctor: “It’s called silent treatment.”
A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news."
Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc."
Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe."
Man: "No way. What's the good news?"
Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful."
Mam: "Wait, what are you trying to say?"
Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe."
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
"After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. We think the doctor would do a way better job than us."
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer?
Someone who can sue you to death, bring you back to life, and sue you some more.
One day, a man stumbled into his doctor’s office with a terrible cold. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn’t help. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t help either.
When the man returned again, the doctor told him, “Go home. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But if I do that, I’ll risk getting pneumonia doc,” replied the man.
“I know,” said the doctor, “but I can cure pneumonia!”
One day, a man walked into a doctor’s office and told the receptionist he had shingles. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later, a nurse’s aid came out. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. He responded by saying, “Shingles,” and she told him to wait in the exam room.
Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. “Shingles,” he responded. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.
Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.
“Shingles,” the man replied.
“Where?” asked the doctor.
“Outside in the truck,” the man responded, “Where do you want them?”
What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?
Hopefully not your doctor.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?
So that she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!"
Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this?"
Patient: "I couldn’t read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it."
What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Are you seeing any change in me?”
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first.
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure.
Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?”
Patient: “When did what happen?”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
"I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.” The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”"
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
Patient: “When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?”
Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
Doctor: “Nonsense — you can stop anytime.”
Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come see him.”
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
A cold never bothered her, anyway.
Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”
A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”
A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.
The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour."
The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.
The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”
A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.
Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.
"My kid’s pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. He has very little patients."
Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Jimmy: “That’s great!”
Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat," she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife.
"We need a 4th for poker"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes... there are 3 other doctors there already."
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”
A doctor turns to his patient and says, “Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.”
The patient blushed and replied, “Compared to who?”
"Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself."
A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.
“I hurt all over,” she said.
“What do you mean all over?” the doctor asked, “Can you be a little more specific?”
The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then her nose and yelled again, “Ouch! That also hurts.” Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, “Even that hurts doc.”
After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion… the woman had a broken finger.
Patient: “Hey doc, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.”
Doctor: “No worries here, that won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.”
A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.
His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”
“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.”
“Well, that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”
“I had to call the doctor!”
A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks what’s wrong.
“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” the man complains.
“Have you ever seen a doctor?” she asks.
“No, just spots ma’am.”
One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long they’ve persisted. The vet interrupted him by saying, “Look, I’m a vet. I don’t have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking at them— why can’t you?”
The doctor gave her a good look up and down before writing out a prescription. After he handed it to her, he said, “I figured it out, so good news patient, well here’s your prescription. Of course, if that doesn’t work then we’ll just have to put you down.”
Patient: "Doctor, I’ve got a month to feed. You sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
"I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places."
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”
A man goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills,” says the doctor. “They should help you pass the time.”
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”
“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”
“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
“Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.
Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?
Apparently, it’s all about the delivery for some people.
“Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”
"Knock, knock."
"Who’s there?"
"3:30."
"3:30 who?"
"I made a doctor’s appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!"
One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.
“Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do!” the doctor said.
“But I don’t have the fingers doc!”
“What? Why wouldn’t you bring your fingers?” asks the doctor.
“I couldn’t pick them up!”
