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4
“I Said It’s Too Late”: Man Still Mad At Parents For Not Accepting His Wife, Won’t Let Them See His Kids
Oh, how lucky are those whose parents accept and support the person they choose to marry? But sometimes, deep-rooted prejudice or ignorance can shatter that expectation.
One man thought his mom and dad would be happy to meet his future wife. After all, the woman has a big heart and a warm personality and shared his dreams for the life they wanted to build together.
Instead, they focused on a feature that had nothing to do with who she was as a human being — her deafness. I guess, in this case, it’s true what they say: the relationships that test us the most are with the people closest to us.
RELATED:
This man couldn’t forgive the way his parents treated his partner
Image credits: Alena Darmel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
So he cut them off
But now that the couple has kids, his parents want to be part of their lives
Image credits: tonodiaz / Envato (not the actual photo)
However, he isn’t ready to let them back in
Image credits: KickVivid2074
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Family estrangement is more common than one might think
Senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England, Lucy Blake, PhD, shared insights on estrangement on the American Psychological Association’s (APA) podcast, ‘Speaking of Psychology.’ She said, as a research topic, the phenomenon is just gaining traction, referencing a larger-scale German study that found 20% of adults will go through a period of estrangement with a father, and 9% will get alienated from a mother.
However, the number differs from one country to another. Some suggest that older parents in the US are more than twice as likely to have a bad relationship with their children as parents in slightly less individualistic countries such as Israel, the UK, or the already-mentioned Germany.
Clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman, PhD, works with estranged families and has written several books on the topic, including Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict and When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along.
He argues that the increasing use of therapy has also played a role in dividing families, and not always for the better – some therapists may, for example, “diagnose” family members with psychiatric conditions without even meeting them, after hearing just one side of the story, despite the fact such practice flies in the face of ethical rules in the fields of psychiatry and psychology Coleman says he’s met many adult children who have, following therapy, accused a parent of being toxic, narcissistic or having borderline personality disorder.
However, cutting ties isn’t necessarily a bad decision. Many people have very good reasons to do so, particularly those who’ve suffered abuse.
A US poll of more than 1,000 people by Coleman revealed that non-familial relationships, such as friendships or romantic partnerships, have contributed to 12% of all estrangement cases. (For comparison, political beliefs were a factor in 18% of them, while communication, treatment of other family members, and other family dynamics played a role in 39% cases of estrangement.)
According to him, in order to move forward and gain at least some peace of mind, people have to understand the roots of their parents’. It might make them realize that not all of it was wicked or intentional, which could take some of the pain away.
That doesn’t mean we have to forgive them, or even have a relationship with them. But by gaining clarity, we may neutralize the sinister power of the murky past.
Most people don’t blame him for standing by his decision
Though some wonder if he’s burning a bridge that can’t be rebuilt
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What do you think ?
Zoe Vokes 3 months ago
“You have no right to feel upset that the woman you love was being mistreated. You have no right to feel upset that your parents didn’t attend your wedding or speak to you for years because you married the person you wanted to marry.”
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Nota Robot 3 months ago
I like the comment that said the grandparents are welcome when they have learned sign language.
person (i think) 3 months ago
Yeah, I think that is really the best test. They probably are not actually sorry, but it may be that learning about their grandkids was a genuine wake up call. The amount of time and effort it would require of them would be a great demonstration of sincerity
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Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 months ago
I think the wife is buying into that BuT tHeY ArE fAmiLy nonsense and she doesn't want to be the reason for the estrangement, when it is in fact not her, but their hateful eugenics views. They only want to reconnect because she managed to push out "undamaged goods", which would now be valuable to them. If the kids are ever diagnosed with just about anything (allergies, ADHD, whatever), they are going to blame her and her "defective" genes.
Ben Aziza 3 months ago (edited)
EXACTLY! In so many cases, this pattern of people gravitate towards things ppl can't control and shame them for it. Not their actions. Not what they do with what they have. Not what they have agency over... The thing is. I can't understand that... WHY are there so many ppl who think like that? Honestly, it is a pathetic way to think and living... Thinking that if you are not "perfect" from the start, then might as well quit. The concept of overcoming adversity through one's actions seems impossible to them. What is the point of life to them i wonder?
Load More Replies... Zoe Vokes 3 months ago
“You have no right to feel upset that the woman you love was being mistreated. You have no right to feel upset that your parents didn’t attend your wedding or speak to you for years because you married the person you wanted to marry.”
Load More Replies... Nota Robot 3 months ago
I like the comment that said the grandparents are welcome when they have learned sign language.
person (i think) 3 months ago
Yeah, I think that is really the best test. They probably are not actually sorry, but it may be that learning about their grandkids was a genuine wake up call. The amount of time and effort it would require of them would be a great demonstration of sincerity
Load More Replies... Yvonne Dauwalder Balsiger 3 months ago
I think the wife is buying into that BuT tHeY ArE fAmiLy nonsense and she doesn't want to be the reason for the estrangement, when it is in fact not her, but their hateful eugenics views. They only want to reconnect because she managed to push out "undamaged goods", which would now be valuable to them. If the kids are ever diagnosed with just about anything (allergies, ADHD, whatever), they are going to blame her and her "defective" genes.
Ben Aziza 3 months ago (edited)
EXACTLY! In so many cases, this pattern of people gravitate towards things ppl can't control and shame them for it. Not their actions. Not what they do with what they have. Not what they have agency over... The thing is. I can't understand that... WHY are there so many ppl who think like that? Honestly, it is a pathetic way to think and living... Thinking that if you are not "perfect" from the start, then might as well quit. The concept of overcoming adversity through one's actions seems impossible to them. What is the point of life to them i wonder?
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