“AITA For Telling My Ex-Wife I Don’t Care If She And Her Family Starve, That I Am Just Responsible For Our Sons?”
With less societal pressure to get married, folks make better, more informed choices about their future life partners. They discuss important questions far before marriage, sharing their visions of the future and making sure that they line up with each other. This may lead to fewer marriages, but hopefully, happier couples in the long term. Alas, people still often see that they are dissatisfied with a relationship after they get married and decide to break it off for various reasons. Some of these divorces may be civil, sharing possessions and, more importantly, custody timetables evenly, while others may conclude and drag on after the fact more dramatically.
The latter is the case for Reddit user u/Small-Fondant-1273, asking whether he is a jerk for refusing to assist his ex-wife financially after the hurtful dissolution of their marriage.
More info: Reddit
The puzzle of whether to support your ex-spouse during difficult times would be a difficult question to answer for most
Image credits: Emma Bauso (not the actual photo)
A Redditor wanted input on a dilemma he was facing: whether he should support his ex-wife financially even if she was only married to him for the money
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
After their divorce, things got better for his ex-wife, until they got a lot worse, with one of her children and husband becoming seriously ill
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
Refusing to help his ex and only taking care of his family, OP is being berated by his previous partner and her new husband
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
The poster believes that he is in the right for denying help but mentions that his sons may feel different
The Original Poster (OP) is a divorced father of two boys, aged 14 and 16. He recounts the story of his marriage, which had been falling apart for more than three years. Throughout the time, he worked to support his then-wife, who was undergoing education, so that she could get a better-paying position. When she achieved her goals, she blatantly told OP that she was never interested in salvaging their marriage and that she was only using him.
After the divorce proceedings, custody of the kids was split 50/50, and the ex-wife had to pay child support, as she was earning much more than him, thanks to her education and career change. A year after the divorce, she was remarried and had more children.
Her fortunes changed after her last child was born four years ago. Various difficulties were piled on her family – her husband got cancer, one of their children was diagnosed with a long-term medical condition, and her position was impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic. Following this, his sons mentioned that living with their mom was difficult and that they would like to spend more time with OP. With this, the poster went to court and had his custody increased, which also meant a decrease in child support received from the ex-wife.
Her financial troubles didn’t end there, as she had to move into a smaller house with her family, further wanting to stop paying child support. She then contacted OP, asking him for help taking care of his boys’ family – her family.
The conversation with his ex then got heated, as he brought up how she had used him in the past and, therefore, he did not owe her anything. His ex-wife then called him a selfish jerk and said that her family is living on charity. With this failing to move OP, she told him she wished she had cheated on him while they were married and that using his money wasn’t enough.
Later, his ex-wife’s new husband texted the poster, calling him names and passively threatening that his sons may begin disliking him once they understand that he left them to suffer.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
After his story, some Redditors began to doubt OP, considering whether he had been unfaithful or somehow mistreated his wife. He said that he put in a lot of effort towards maintaining the relationship, although his wife was home sparingly and completely unaffectionate towards him. He also mentioned that he suggested therapy and that he was faithful throughout.
People further suggested that OP should only contact his wife via text and document everything, so he will have evidence if a court process becomes necessary to apply for full custody, although his ex-wife only spends every other weekend with their children.
The Rosen Law Firm, specializing in divorce cases, suggests that an important part of relationships post-divorce is setting boundaries with an ex. Boundaries are important not only for the emotions and comfort of the divorcees but also for the children of the relationship. Furthermore, the firm emphasizes that children should not be involved in parental communications and tasks. Unfortunately, in this case, it seems that the children are telling the father that their mother is having difficulties and that they would like to live with the dad, instead of the adults discussing this issue and striving for what is best for the kids.
The post got over 14 thousand upvotes and more than 2.3 thousand comments, having been posted two months ago. The community judged that he was not the jerk in this situation, with most commenters saying that OP was correct in his actions. Some even came forth with their own stories of difficult divorces, saying that they took the same course of action as the poster. What is your opinion? How would you have acted in this situation, or perhaps, you have similar experiences you could share with us in the comments?
Commenters agreed with OP, saying that they would have taken the same course of action in his shoes
Image credits: UnorthodoxY (not the actual photo)
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If the court is making her pay child support, that means she has a livable income for herself and her family. She also still has a house. She and her family are not starving unless she is intentionally withholding food (in order to manipulate the ex), which probably isn’t the case. She’s used to getting what she wants from him. This time is no different.
I completely agree. Also to add to your statement, her new husband should be drawing either permanent or short term disability while he's out of work with his cancer treatments. With that kind of diagnosis the system moves pretty quickly to get your checks coming in. It was like that with my dad. Then his minor children can also draw checks off of him as well every month as well as them being approved for state medical insurance also. The amount is usually determined by how much the other parent's income is, but something is better than nothing. That's the system in most US states. Usually that would also mean that they could receive snap/food stamps benefits but that would depend on the income versus how many people in the household. It would be hard to know exactly what assistance she's receiving but with a chronically ill child as well, that child may draw their own social security/disability benefits also separately from the father. It would seem she has avenues for help.
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The commenter was right who pointed out that OP needs to have a serious talk with his sons, because the mom and stepdad are DEFINITELY going to try to alienate them from OP. He should look up and teach them signs of someone trying to alienate you, and ask the kids to tell him if mom tries it, so they can go back to the court and reduce her custody. Because that's emotional abuse.
She see them every other weekend, that's once a month for 2 days and one night. Hardly enough to have impact, dad has more power to shape their perspective.
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Court decided she has enough to still pay him child support. She needs to review her expenses. NTA
Because her new husband is probably just like her and sees the op as a mark. The sociopaths don't view anyone besides themselves as a person, and don't care about their feelings because they lack empathy.
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I would gladly help my ex if she got in that situation, but mine wasn't a huge b*tch like this one was.
She's also almost 100% lying about struggling based on the court only reducing child support rather than suspending it, it's just not the same quality of life she's used to.
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Ehhh. Yes, it’s bad, but I feel like there’s more to this story. Also, that it’s not so much the two of them as it is the courts.
I would expect details are absent, but it seems likely she is trying to play the ex for money again. The court sees income on her side to maintain child support.
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She literally admitted to living off of charity in the same breath as asking for money. NTA at all.
That’s Karma b***h. New hubby can’t support you eh. Nice to see women get a taste of what men have been going through for decades.
I can understand your bitterness, knowing that you were totally used by her just for money, and she even admitted it. And you also have every right to not give her or her new family money, as it isn't your responsibility. However, and it's a BIG however, if you want your boys to grow up caring for others, you're going to need to sit down and have a long talk with them about the family situation (I'm pretty sure the ex didn't tell them she used you as an ATM and I think you wouldn't have said that either.) So the boys are probably confused, and need to know the situation, and understand it. And - I hope you DO give money to a charity (food bank, medical research, etc) so that your sons know that you're not a total uncharitable tightwad. LOL!
Yes! I think it is reasonable to not give money or lowe CS but his kids are now getting the impression that their dad has no empathy or understanding to their mother's family with 2 members being severely ill... some people commented that the woman was financially irresponsible but it sounds more like her family has just been unlucky. Otherwise irresponsible, yes, but financially, I'm not sure. So stick to your rights but teach your kids to deal with the emotions related to their mother's family struggling
Load More Replies... I agree with his opinions on whom is his responsibility, disagree with the language used to express it. Can feel his hate towards his ex, which I get and understand. Yet her kids are his kids siblings and how he treats those kids is witnessed by his own...they deserve no Ill will towards them or resentment. So, while he may not need support them, some empathy when speaking of them is decent. Still, nta but dial the hate back a bit in regards to your children's siblings.
OP was treated like an ATM instead of a human.He has no obligation to help his ex.
All thanks to Dr sikama. he is the most powerful spell caster i have ever known just in 48hrs my happiness was restore.. i promise to testify so i am glad testifying about his great spell. with Dr sikama your problems are gone. Email drsikama@gmail.com Hello, my name Hanny Shaphiss. After being in relationship with my husband for years, he broke up with me. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before three days. He cast the spell and surprisingly on the second day, my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that h
I hope OP saved those texts, the judge may have some ideas about those threats. I would petition for full custody, bring up the threats the new husband mentioned and revise the visitation agreement. This is the life SHE chose, karma can be a cruel B!__h at times, can't she?
Get temporary custody of the other kids too. Let her work out her grown folks situation on her own.
Looking at the events. She used him for years and a year later she gets remarried. Who gets remarried a year later? Most people don't marry that quickly unless they've known the person beforehand. Who gets married unless they've been involved. Just from these two facts it's obvious she was cheating on him while married. Why should he be inclined to help someone who cheated on him and used him.
I would approach it differently. I wouldn't take child support from a struggling family that is dealing with cancer if I were OK financially. It wouldn't matter if my ex was a complete a*****e.
The only concern I would have is the financial stability causing a rift between the siblings. One group well fed and well cared for while the other group struggles because of mom's poor choices. Make it clear to the son's that this is the bed their mother made for herself, but that you hold nothing against their half-siblings who are innocent victims in all this drama. But definitely NTA.
Let's see. She pretended to be in the marriage for three years just so you would pay for her schooling. But she didn't cheat on you, she says? What would she call it then - a good-natured prank?
Blended families. Warnings to those about to get married. Married life is complicated at best.Messy and messed up on average. At worst they can suck the life out of you. Yea. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly. Good luck. No one will be the winner. Ever. But civility is key and in the end do what is right for you. Who cares what we all say?
NTA. Forget about "tit for tat." The most important thing is to model the best behavior for your kids. Don't talk badly about their Mom to or within earshot of them. If she's selfish and manipulative, your kids will discover that in their own time. I agree that she is emotionally blackmailing you, so reduce your communications with her to the barest minimum, and always make sure your communications to her are deliberate and appropriate. Everything in writing and some things like voicemail are potential exhibits at court. If you are looking for a way to lighten her financial obligation, which is absolutely not your responsibility, legally or morally, and since you can't terminate child support early, an option -- only if you want to do this -- is to bank her support payments and return them to her. Your kids are entitled to financial support from their Mom, so it really belongs to them (but do not discuss this with the kids!). Good luck! Be the Dad your kids will be proud of!
Yeah, YTA. File for full custody and request end of child support and stop being an AH already. This is not a good look for you.
I am sorry but disagree with the majority. He is indeed the Ahole. It is cruel. You don't do that to the mother of your children
She's getting what she deserves. He's taking care of his kids. If the roles were switched she would ignore him if he needed help. He doesn't need her abuse.
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I'd gladly ear the other side, because that's textbook what my dad would tell, and he was definitely the AH.
There are 3 type of "starving people": have no food; eating poorly; canceling luxury options. Guess who is the loudest? She looks like loudest third, from this story. (Story can be inaccurate)
Load More Replies... If she's still paying child support, even to a lesser extent, she still has enough money to support her own family. I speak from my own experience, when my father lost his job, the courts didn't force him to pay CS. Once he finally got a job, he was paying less because he was making less. What are you talking about egoism? If you wanna talk about ego, and he woman sure feels high and mighty about herself even ASKING her ex for money despite using him for money. Not to mention when she says, I wish I cheated on you when we were married. Yeah, the ego is MASSIVE with this one. Edit, spelling error
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How is he even remotely the a*****e for refusing to support children that ARE NOT HIS? The ex remarried and that husband is still alive, regardless of whether he has cancer or not. All of the children THEY had together aren't remotely OP's responsibility. It sounds like OP is taking care of his two children just fine, by getting almost full custody of them. If the ex is struggling financially, the onus is ON HER to go to court and prove undue financial burden in order to get the child support payments reduced, stopped entirely, or paused. In no way is OP responsible for that, or for ANYTHING, except his two children. OP is not even one iota of the AH here. If you're trying to say that OP is somehow responsible and/or should care about children that his ex had AFTER the divorce, children that are NOT his, then why not argue that OP is legally responsible for ALL the children on the planet who are living in poverty and starvation? Why shouldn't he be taking care of all of THEM financially too? The answer is: he isn't legally responsible for all the children in the world. He is legally responsible for his children only. That's it.
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If the court is making her pay child support, that means she has a livable income for herself and her family. She also still has a house. She and her family are not starving unless she is intentionally withholding food (in order to manipulate the ex), which probably isn’t the case. She’s used to getting what she wants from him. This time is no different.
I completely agree. Also to add to your statement, her new husband should be drawing either permanent or short term disability while he's out of work with his cancer treatments. With that kind of diagnosis the system moves pretty quickly to get your checks coming in. It was like that with my dad. Then his minor children can also draw checks off of him as well every month as well as them being approved for state medical insurance also. The amount is usually determined by how much the other parent's income is, but something is better than nothing. That's the system in most US states. Usually that would also mean that they could receive snap/food stamps benefits but that would depend on the income versus how many people in the household. It would be hard to know exactly what assistance she's receiving but with a chronically ill child as well, that child may draw their own social security/disability benefits also separately from the father. It would seem she has avenues for help.
Load More Replies... The commenter was right who pointed out that OP needs to have a serious talk with his sons, because the mom and stepdad are DEFINITELY going to try to alienate them from OP. He should look up and teach them signs of someone trying to alienate you, and ask the kids to tell him if mom tries it, so they can go back to the court and reduce her custody. Because that's emotional abuse.
She see them every other weekend, that's once a month for 2 days and one night. Hardly enough to have impact, dad has more power to shape their perspective.
Load More Replies... Court decided she has enough to still pay him child support. She needs to review her expenses. NTA
Because her new husband is probably just like her and sees the op as a mark. The sociopaths don't view anyone besides themselves as a person, and don't care about their feelings because they lack empathy.
Load More Replies... I would gladly help my ex if she got in that situation, but mine wasn't a huge b*tch like this one was.
She's also almost 100% lying about struggling based on the court only reducing child support rather than suspending it, it's just not the same quality of life she's used to.
Load More Replies... Ehhh. Yes, it’s bad, but I feel like there’s more to this story. Also, that it’s not so much the two of them as it is the courts.
I would expect details are absent, but it seems likely she is trying to play the ex for money again. The court sees income on her side to maintain child support.
Load More Replies... She literally admitted to living off of charity in the same breath as asking for money. NTA at all.
That’s Karma b***h. New hubby can’t support you eh. Nice to see women get a taste of what men have been going through for decades.
I can understand your bitterness, knowing that you were totally used by her just for money, and she even admitted it. And you also have every right to not give her or her new family money, as it isn't your responsibility. However, and it's a BIG however, if you want your boys to grow up caring for others, you're going to need to sit down and have a long talk with them about the family situation (I'm pretty sure the ex didn't tell them she used you as an ATM and I think you wouldn't have said that either.) So the boys are probably confused, and need to know the situation, and understand it. And - I hope you DO give money to a charity (food bank, medical research, etc) so that your sons know that you're not a total uncharitable tightwad. LOL!
Yes! I think it is reasonable to not give money or lowe CS but his kids are now getting the impression that their dad has no empathy or understanding to their mother's family with 2 members being severely ill... some people commented that the woman was financially irresponsible but it sounds more like her family has just been unlucky. Otherwise irresponsible, yes, but financially, I'm not sure. So stick to your rights but teach your kids to deal with the emotions related to their mother's family struggling
Load More Replies... I agree with his opinions on whom is his responsibility, disagree with the language used to express it. Can feel his hate towards his ex, which I get and understand. Yet her kids are his kids siblings and how he treats those kids is witnessed by his own...they deserve no Ill will towards them or resentment. So, while he may not need support them, some empathy when speaking of them is decent. Still, nta but dial the hate back a bit in regards to your children's siblings.
OP was treated like an ATM instead of a human.He has no obligation to help his ex.
All thanks to Dr sikama. he is the most powerful spell caster i have ever known just in 48hrs my happiness was restore.. i promise to testify so i am glad testifying about his great spell. with Dr sikama your problems are gone. Email drsikama@gmail.com Hello, my name Hanny Shaphiss. After being in relationship with my husband for years, he broke up with me. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before three days. He cast the spell and surprisingly on the second day, my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that h
I hope OP saved those texts, the judge may have some ideas about those threats. I would petition for full custody, bring up the threats the new husband mentioned and revise the visitation agreement. This is the life SHE chose, karma can be a cruel B!__h at times, can't she?
Get temporary custody of the other kids too. Let her work out her grown folks situation on her own.
Looking at the events. She used him for years and a year later she gets remarried. Who gets remarried a year later? Most people don't marry that quickly unless they've known the person beforehand. Who gets married unless they've been involved. Just from these two facts it's obvious she was cheating on him while married. Why should he be inclined to help someone who cheated on him and used him.
I would approach it differently. I wouldn't take child support from a struggling family that is dealing with cancer if I were OK financially. It wouldn't matter if my ex was a complete a*****e.
The only concern I would have is the financial stability causing a rift between the siblings. One group well fed and well cared for while the other group struggles because of mom's poor choices. Make it clear to the son's that this is the bed their mother made for herself, but that you hold nothing against their half-siblings who are innocent victims in all this drama. But definitely NTA.
Let's see. She pretended to be in the marriage for three years just so you would pay for her schooling. But she didn't cheat on you, she says? What would she call it then - a good-natured prank?
Blended families. Warnings to those about to get married. Married life is complicated at best.Messy and messed up on average. At worst they can suck the life out of you. Yea. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly. Good luck. No one will be the winner. Ever. But civility is key and in the end do what is right for you. Who cares what we all say?
NTA. Forget about "tit for tat." The most important thing is to model the best behavior for your kids. Don't talk badly about their Mom to or within earshot of them. If she's selfish and manipulative, your kids will discover that in their own time. I agree that she is emotionally blackmailing you, so reduce your communications with her to the barest minimum, and always make sure your communications to her are deliberate and appropriate. Everything in writing and some things like voicemail are potential exhibits at court. If you are looking for a way to lighten her financial obligation, which is absolutely not your responsibility, legally or morally, and since you can't terminate child support early, an option -- only if you want to do this -- is to bank her support payments and return them to her. Your kids are entitled to financial support from their Mom, so it really belongs to them (but do not discuss this with the kids!). Good luck! Be the Dad your kids will be proud of!
Yeah, YTA. File for full custody and request end of child support and stop being an AH already. This is not a good look for you.
I am sorry but disagree with the majority. He is indeed the Ahole. It is cruel. You don't do that to the mother of your children
She's getting what she deserves. He's taking care of his kids. If the roles were switched she would ignore him if he needed help. He doesn't need her abuse.
Load More Replies... I'd gladly ear the other side, because that's textbook what my dad would tell, and he was definitely the AH.
There are 3 type of "starving people": have no food; eating poorly; canceling luxury options. Guess who is the loudest? She looks like loudest third, from this story. (Story can be inaccurate)
Load More Replies... If she's still paying child support, even to a lesser extent, she still has enough money to support her own family. I speak from my own experience, when my father lost his job, the courts didn't force him to pay CS. Once he finally got a job, he was paying less because he was making less. What are you talking about egoism? If you wanna talk about ego, and he woman sure feels high and mighty about herself even ASKING her ex for money despite using him for money. Not to mention when she says, I wish I cheated on you when we were married. Yeah, the ego is MASSIVE with this one. Edit, spelling error
Load More Replies... How is he even remotely the a*****e for refusing to support children that ARE NOT HIS? The ex remarried and that husband is still alive, regardless of whether he has cancer or not. All of the children THEY had together aren't remotely OP's responsibility. It sounds like OP is taking care of his two children just fine, by getting almost full custody of them. If the ex is struggling financially, the onus is ON HER to go to court and prove undue financial burden in order to get the child support payments reduced, stopped entirely, or paused. In no way is OP responsible for that, or for ANYTHING, except his two children. OP is not even one iota of the AH here. If you're trying to say that OP is somehow responsible and/or should care about children that his ex had AFTER the divorce, children that are NOT his, then why not argue that OP is legally responsible for ALL the children on the planet who are living in poverty and starvation? Why shouldn't he be taking care of all of THEM financially too? The answer is: he isn't legally responsible for all the children in the world. He is legally responsible for his children only. That's it.
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