“AITA For Telling My Ex-Wife I Don’t Care If She And Her Family Starve, That I Am Just Responsible For Our Sons?”
With less societal pressure to get married, folks make better, more informed choices about their future life partners. They discuss important questions far before marriage, sharing their visions of the future and making sure that they line up with each other. This may lead to fewer marriages, but hopefully, happier couples in the long term. Alas, people still often see that they are dissatisfied with a relationship after they get married and decide to break it off for various reasons. Some of these divorces may be civil, sharing possessions and, more importantly, custody timetables evenly, while others may conclude and drag on after the fact more dramatically.
The latter is the case for Reddit user u/Small-Fondant-1273, asking whether he is a jerk for refusing to assist his ex-wife financially after the hurtful dissolution of their marriage.
More info: Reddit
The puzzle of whether to support your ex-spouse during difficult times would be a difficult question to answer for most
Image credits: Emma Bauso (not the actual photo)
A Redditor wanted input on a dilemma he was facing: whether he should support his ex-wife financially even if she was only married to him for the money
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
After their divorce, things got better for his ex-wife, until they got a lot worse, with one of her children and husband becoming seriously ill
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
Refusing to help his ex and only taking care of his family, OP is being berated by his previous partner and her new husband
Image credits: Small-Fondant-1273
The poster believes that he is in the right for denying help but mentions that his sons may feel different
The Original Poster (OP) is a divorced father of two boys, aged 14 and 16. He recounts the story of his marriage, which had been falling apart for more than three years. Throughout the time, he worked to support his then-wife, who was undergoing education, so that she could get a better-paying position. When she achieved her goals, she blatantly told OP that she was never interested in salvaging their marriage and that she was only using him.
After the divorce proceedings, custody of the kids was split 50/50, and the ex-wife had to pay child support, as she was earning much more than him, thanks to her education and career change. A year after the divorce, she was remarried and had more children.
Her fortunes changed after her last child was born four years ago. Various difficulties were piled on her family – her husband got cancer, one of their children was diagnosed with a long-term medical condition, and her position was impacted by the Covid-19 pandemic. Following this, his sons mentioned that living with their mom was difficult and that they would like to spend more time with OP. With this, the poster went to court and had his custody increased, which also meant a decrease in child support received from the ex-wife.
Her financial troubles didn’t end there, as she had to move into a smaller house with her family, further wanting to stop paying child support. She then contacted OP, asking him for help taking care of his boys’ family – her family.
The conversation with his ex then got heated, as he brought up how she had used him in the past and, therefore, he did not owe her anything. His ex-wife then called him a selfish jerk and said that her family is living on charity. With this failing to move OP, she told him she wished she had cheated on him while they were married and that using his money wasn’t enough.
Later, his ex-wife’s new husband texted the poster, calling him names and passively threatening that his sons may begin disliking him once they understand that he left them to suffer.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
After his story, some Redditors began to doubt OP, considering whether he had been unfaithful or somehow mistreated his wife. He said that he put in a lot of effort towards maintaining the relationship, although his wife was home sparingly and completely unaffectionate towards him. He also mentioned that he suggested therapy and that he was faithful throughout.
People further suggested that OP should only contact his wife via text and document everything, so he will have evidence if a court process becomes necessary to apply for full custody, although his ex-wife only spends every other weekend with their children.
The Rosen Law Firm, specializing in divorce cases, suggests that an important part of relationships post-divorce is setting boundaries with an ex. Boundaries are important not only for the emotions and comfort of the divorcees but also for the children of the relationship. Furthermore, the firm emphasizes that children should not be involved in parental communications and tasks. Unfortunately, in this case, it seems that the children are telling the father that their mother is having difficulties and that they would like to live with the dad, instead of the adults discussing this issue and striving for what is best for the kids.
The post got over 14 thousand upvotes and more than 2.3 thousand comments, having been posted two months ago. The community judged that he was not the jerk in this situation, with most commenters saying that OP was correct in his actions. Some even came forth with their own stories of difficult divorces, saying that they took the same course of action as the poster. What is your opinion? How would you have acted in this situation, or perhaps, you have similar experiences you could share with us in the comments?
Commenters agreed with OP, saying that they would have taken the same course of action in his shoes
Image credits: UnorthodoxY (not the actual photo)
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If the court is making her pay child support, that means she has a livable income for herself and her family. She also still has a house. She and her family are not starving unless she is intentionally withholding food (in order to manipulate the ex), which probably isn’t the case. She’s used to getting what she wants from him. This time is no different.
I completely agree. Also to add to your statement, her new husband should be drawing either permanent or short term disability while he's out of work with his cancer treatments. With that kind of diagnosis the system moves pretty quickly to get your checks coming in. It was like that with my dad. Then his minor children can also draw checks off of him as well every month as well as them being approved for state medical insurance also. The amount is usually determined by how much the other parent's income is, but something is better than nothing. That's the system in most US states. Usually that would also mean that they could receive snap/food stamps benefits but that would depend on the income versus how many people in the household. It would be hard to know exactly what assistance she's receiving but with a chronically ill child as well, that child may draw their own social security/disability benefits also separately from the father. It would seem she has avenues for help.
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The commenter was right who pointed out that OP needs to have a serious talk with his sons, because the mom and stepdad are DEFINITELY going to try to alienate them from OP. He should look up and teach them signs of someone trying to alienate you, and ask the kids to tell him if mom tries it, so they can go back to the court and reduce her custody. Because that's emotional abuse.
She see them every other weekend, that's once a month for 2 days and one night. Hardly enough to have impact, dad has more power to shape their perspective.
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If the court is making her pay child support, that means she has a livable income for herself and her family. She also still has a house. She and her family are not starving unless she is intentionally withholding food (in order to manipulate the ex), which probably isn’t the case. She’s used to getting what she wants from him. This time is no different.
I completely agree. Also to add to your statement, her new husband should be drawing either permanent or short term disability while he's out of work with his cancer treatments. With that kind of diagnosis the system moves pretty quickly to get your checks coming in. It was like that with my dad. Then his minor children can also draw checks off of him as well every month as well as them being approved for state medical insurance also. The amount is usually determined by how much the other parent's income is, but something is better than nothing. That's the system in most US states. Usually that would also mean that they could receive snap/food stamps benefits but that would depend on the income versus how many people in the household. It would be hard to know exactly what assistance she's receiving but with a chronically ill child as well, that child may draw their own social security/disability benefits also separately from the father. It would seem she has avenues for help.
Load More Replies... The commenter was right who pointed out that OP needs to have a serious talk with his sons, because the mom and stepdad are DEFINITELY going to try to alienate them from OP. He should look up and teach them signs of someone trying to alienate you, and ask the kids to tell him if mom tries it, so they can go back to the court and reduce her custody. Because that's emotional abuse.
She see them every other weekend, that's once a month for 2 days and one night. Hardly enough to have impact, dad has more power to shape their perspective.
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