Family relationships can be challenging even without any major disagreements, not to mention dealing with big fallouts or drama.
A life-changing event leading to a broken family is what made this redditor cut ties with his mother. His sister didn’t, though, and after a decade of the guy having no contact with his mom, she invited the latter to accompany her to his wedding. That led to the OP uninviting his sister, but she wasn’t the only link between him and his mother.
Scroll down to find the full story in the redditor’s own words below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with Professor of Psychology at the Department of Psychological Science at Bellarmine College of Liberal Arts, Máire Ford, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions.
Family relationships can quickly become very complicated
Image credits: Febe Vanermen / Pexels (not the actual photo)
This redditor wanted nothing to do with his mother, but the women he cares for had other ideas
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: pissedoffolderbro
Broken trust takes time, patience, and openness to repair
Broken trust is not easy to fix, especially when it affects family relationships; and in the OP’s case, the mother’s actions had an effect so detrimental, it resulted in the son cutting off ties completely.
According to Professor of Psychology at Bellarmine College of Liberal Arts, Máire Ford, rebuilding broken trust is difficult and takes time. “Trust is an incredibly important part of a relationship and is necessary for optimal relationship functioning. Those who feel that they can’t trust a close other will be more likely to respond to that person in defensive ways or to seek revenge and this interferes with the relationship thriving,” she told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
The expert continued to point out that rebuilding trust takes not only time, but patience and openness, too, which is why coming to the OP’s wedding uninvited might not have been the best route for his mother to take if she wanted to rebuild their relationship.
“She will have to be patient and try to rebuild trust in more subtle ways,” Prof. Ford suggested. “She will want to do things that will allow her son to build up some positive feelings for her. And then, once there is at least a minimum amount of goodwill established, she could ask for forgiveness. This process can’t be rushed, though.”
Image credits: Pixabay / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Many children choose not to lie to cover up a parent’s transgressions
Dr. Ford emphasized that in situations such as the one in the redditor’s story, it’s important for people to acknowledge their transgression and how it hurt their family. In addition to the infidelity the OP witnessed, his mom also lied to him and asked him not to tell his father what he saw, which is not an easy situation for anyone to be in, let alone a child.
But, despite his mother’s convincing, the redditor told his dad the truth. Research on children’s lie-telling regarding a parent’s transgressions found that many of them do not engage in lies in order to conceal the wrongdoing of their parent, even after enduring explicit coaching by their mom or dad.
The research also found that children’s moral understanding of lies and truth increased significantly with age (as did their truthfulness after promising someone to tell the truth).
No matter the age, though, relationships with those around us can significantly influence our personal well-being. And interestingly, research suggests that strained family relationships can affect it even more than troubles on the romantic front.
“We found that family emotional climate had a big effect on overall health, including the development or worsening of chronic conditions such as stroke and headaches over the 20-year span of midlife,” lead author of the study Dr. Sarah B. Woods, assistant professor of family and community medicine at UT Southwestern Medical Center, pointed out.
Woods added that for adults with chronic conditions, a negative family emotional climate may increase their poor health, which is likely why some people decide to cut ties with some of their kin altogether.
Image credits: Kelvin Valerio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
For some people, cutting off ties with family members can be the better thing to do
Research on family estrangement found that while such a decision can cause long-term consequences for an individual’s well-being due to the stress lack of such ties entail, for people initiating estrangement, it can boost their health, as a chronic stressor is then eliminated.
According to the research, roughly 6% of surveyed individuals reported estrangement from their mothers. While many of them chose to renew the relationship—roughly four-in-five people reportedly become unestranged from their mothers at some point—it’s unclear if the OP will ever have a relationship with his mom again, despite his sister’s effort or his fiancée’s views.
Professor Ford suggested that forcing a person to form—or rebuild, for that matter—a relationship with someone might have detrimental effects on everyone involved. “This can harm trust in all of these relationships. Humans do not like to feel like their sense of control is threatened. All of the individuals who tried to force the son to rekindle his relationship with his mother are threatening his sense of control.
“These individuals would be more effective in helping to repair the relationship if they tried to do so in more subtle ways that didn’t undermine his sense of control and autonomy,” she pointed out, referring to the fiancée and the sister pushing the OP to talk to his mom. Fellow redditors in the comments, too, suggested that the women not supporting his stance was somewhat alarming.
Fellow redditors shared their views, they didn’t think the OP was a jerk, but pointed out that his fiancée might have been
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Could we all, this minute, decide not to tell someone he or she is 'to get overe it'? You don't get to decide whether or not someone is 'to get over it'. Nine times out of ten the reason for someone saying this is that they want to get their own way and they don't want any problems, so just play along, ok? No, not ok. OP should stand his ground, explain things one more time to his fiancee and then tell her this isn't up for debate anymore.
Once again and louder, for everyone in the back.
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He can't and shouldn't trust ANY of them any longer. When I cut ties with the breeder "parents", I made the mistake of trusting the two genetic siblings to respect that and not talk. Instead, they told the breeders where I live and my number. So I cut out ALL OF THEM permanently.
Too much background detail and a one-sided story re the history, sounds like there are some outstanding issues that could be resolved. Not for anyone else to say he _should_ make up with his mother though. If she wants to reconcile let her work towards that, and let him make whatever choices he deems fit. But doing so at is wedding, against his will, is never going to work. He doesn't want her there, she has to accept it, end of story. She has no rights in this matter.
There is enough information here to know that the mother was non-contact for OP and that the fiancee was texting behind back on the QT. That is a red flag the size of china. You don't EVER surprise someone on your wedding with someone who caused hurt.
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I severed ties with my mother when I was 18 and moved out. If my older brother ever did this (he still has contact with her), I would absolutely go ballistic. I'm glad that my brother doesn't do that; I don't know and don't care whether he feeds her information about my life, but she hasn't once contacted me, that's for sure. I would have reevaluated my relationships if I were OP because honestly, he is an adult, and it's his life.
My siblings were under the thumbs of the narcs when I cut ties. I ceased having any trust and washed my hands of the lot. The only difference between "family" and an abusive ex is genetics, and genetics DO NOT grant special privileges.
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Stop trying to force people to maintain relationships with toxic people! Biological family does not have the right to treat you badly and still have access to you life if you don't want them to. Respect people's choices and boundaries!
Dude, your fiancee is another version of your mom and your sister. You need to not marry any of this one person. Get a therapist, get your act together, get rid of the winged monkeys, don't marry another iteration of your mom or you will find that history repeats itself for a reason.
Dude. All the people saying that he’s viewing this as a child or he needs therapy, or that a parent cheating isn’t such a big deal: are you all adulterers? Are you all telling yourselves that cheating isn’t a crime against both your partner and your children because you want that to be true? Cheating hurts children: just ask OP.
It almost sounds as if his fiance is okay with cheating! He is likely going to end up with a wife who will at least consider cheating on him not to be a big deal. She was already going behind his back for months speaking with his mom. That is complete disrespect and disregard for his boundaries. If she pulls this nonsense now, it will only worsen if they marry. She is not relationship material, let alone wife material. He should just end it or his life will be miserable.
Fiancee should support her husband to be. Maybe the man should be rethinking the wedding.
Why does everyone think therapy is a panacea and can fix anything/everything? It does not. Some family businesses are not fixable. If some folks in your family are a bunch of twats, you going to therapy isn't going to make them less twatty. It is going to make you more depressed and poorer
OP clearly has a lot of unresolved feelings about what happened. And he needs to work through them before marriage.
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One-sided storytelling about really complicated family background should make us careful about our reaction. I use to know a psychiatrist who loved to say: a "dysfunctionnal family" is a pleonasm. Don't judge other family problems cause you don't know much about them and everything could also happen to you.
You've made a good lifefor yourself. She caused the breakup of your family. You haven't kept in touch and nobody should push you to forgive and forget just because she wants to attend the wedding. NO. Too much negative energy to ruin your day. Keep the drama away. Stand up to your fiancée. Dont get sucker-punched by her or your sister inviting that woman behind your back. Your mother and sister are AHs. And your fiance is being a little sneaky after you told her no.
People coming from a solid family don't always get that not everyone is. These kind of things only happen in books, right? Unfortunately I've seen the other side and suspect OP is not telling everything that went down. I get his fiancée not understanding why he wants to be NC and the mum using a sob story proclaiming to always been a good mother. I've seen it happen. I hope the couple works(worked) it out.
Dump this fiancee because she doesn't respect your feelings or your needs. Dump the sister too, for the same reason. And, people, can we please use the correct terms? "Fiance" is male, "fiancee" is female.
Sister and Fiance are NOT OK for what they were doing, but this guy has to build a bridge and accept that people, even parents, are not perfect. I am not saying this guy has to forget what his mom did or even welcome his mom back into his life, but you can literally feel his anger at his mother through this post and you can tell is is eating him alive. Anger is punishing yourself for something someone else did. He needs to find a way to let go not for his mom (or sister) but for himself.
I would be more concerned for his fiancé. This is a man who clearly has no capability for forgiveness... cutting his mother completely out of his life as a teen is understandable, but you'd think he'd be willing to work on things as an adult. Cutting his sister out of the wedding instead of just telling her the mother won't be allowed to attend? That seems extreme as well. I understand he has reasons to be upset, but he should get into counselling ASAP if he wants to have a successful marriage. Learning how to communicate during disagreement is imperative to a good relationship.
Forgiveness is OP's to grant or withhold. And being a child whose world is torn apart by infidelity is hard to move past, but carrying that poison isn't going to do them any favors. I think counseling and having an actual conversation with the mom would do some good. It doesn't mean forgiveness, just clarity.
Dude clearly needs therapy. He needs to work through his mother-issues, and get adult perspective. Maybe even do some therapy with his mum, and get her side of the story. He can choose to not have her in his life, but he's still reacting like a hurt, jealous teenager, and it's affecting his ability to have a relationship with his sister and his fiancee. He needs to do a lot work on himself before he gets married. His fiancee might be someone he will recreate his parent's dynamic with, given that she's going behind his back to communicate with his mum.
Everyone else needs therapy but him. The 3 ladies around him are being c***s and they are trying to screw him around. He is the only sane one in my opinion
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You are the one who should be avoided. You hold grudges and seem to enjoy it and feel self-righteous about it. You won't even give your own mother a second chance despite the fact that she's been reaching out. Your sister was invited with plus one and had the right to choose whoever she wanted. Your fiancée bonded with your sister and wanted her there, but you overruled that too. Your refusal to compromise or show kindness makes you a bad marriage risk.
Perhaps if you read the whole post, you will be able to respond reasonably. No one is required to maintain relationships with people who smash through boundaries and are abusive. "But, they're family!!!!" is the rallying cry of people without a flipping clue about how abusive families can be. Or, do you think abusers should just be forgiven because they cry and whine? Sad.
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It’s none of his business that her infidelity tore his family apart? That didn’t affect him at all?
Load More Replies... Could we all, this minute, decide not to tell someone he or she is 'to get overe it'? You don't get to decide whether or not someone is 'to get over it'. Nine times out of ten the reason for someone saying this is that they want to get their own way and they don't want any problems, so just play along, ok? No, not ok. OP should stand his ground, explain things one more time to his fiancee and then tell her this isn't up for debate anymore.
Once again and louder, for everyone in the back.
Load More Replies... He can't and shouldn't trust ANY of them any longer. When I cut ties with the breeder "parents", I made the mistake of trusting the two genetic siblings to respect that and not talk. Instead, they told the breeders where I live and my number. So I cut out ALL OF THEM permanently.
Too much background detail and a one-sided story re the history, sounds like there are some outstanding issues that could be resolved. Not for anyone else to say he _should_ make up with his mother though. If she wants to reconcile let her work towards that, and let him make whatever choices he deems fit. But doing so at is wedding, against his will, is never going to work. He doesn't want her there, she has to accept it, end of story. She has no rights in this matter.
There is enough information here to know that the mother was non-contact for OP and that the fiancee was texting behind back on the QT. That is a red flag the size of china. You don't EVER surprise someone on your wedding with someone who caused hurt.
Load More Replies... I severed ties with my mother when I was 18 and moved out. If my older brother ever did this (he still has contact with her), I would absolutely go ballistic. I'm glad that my brother doesn't do that; I don't know and don't care whether he feeds her information about my life, but she hasn't once contacted me, that's for sure. I would have reevaluated my relationships if I were OP because honestly, he is an adult, and it's his life.
My siblings were under the thumbs of the narcs when I cut ties. I ceased having any trust and washed my hands of the lot. The only difference between "family" and an abusive ex is genetics, and genetics DO NOT grant special privileges.
Load More Replies... Stop trying to force people to maintain relationships with toxic people! Biological family does not have the right to treat you badly and still have access to you life if you don't want them to. Respect people's choices and boundaries!
Dude, your fiancee is another version of your mom and your sister. You need to not marry any of this one person. Get a therapist, get your act together, get rid of the winged monkeys, don't marry another iteration of your mom or you will find that history repeats itself for a reason.
Dude. All the people saying that he’s viewing this as a child or he needs therapy, or that a parent cheating isn’t such a big deal: are you all adulterers? Are you all telling yourselves that cheating isn’t a crime against both your partner and your children because you want that to be true? Cheating hurts children: just ask OP.
It almost sounds as if his fiance is okay with cheating! He is likely going to end up with a wife who will at least consider cheating on him not to be a big deal. She was already going behind his back for months speaking with his mom. That is complete disrespect and disregard for his boundaries. If she pulls this nonsense now, it will only worsen if they marry. She is not relationship material, let alone wife material. He should just end it or his life will be miserable.
Fiancee should support her husband to be. Maybe the man should be rethinking the wedding.
Why does everyone think therapy is a panacea and can fix anything/everything? It does not. Some family businesses are not fixable. If some folks in your family are a bunch of twats, you going to therapy isn't going to make them less twatty. It is going to make you more depressed and poorer
OP clearly has a lot of unresolved feelings about what happened. And he needs to work through them before marriage.
Load More Replies... One-sided storytelling about really complicated family background should make us careful about our reaction. I use to know a psychiatrist who loved to say: a "dysfunctionnal family" is a pleonasm. Don't judge other family problems cause you don't know much about them and everything could also happen to you.
You've made a good lifefor yourself. She caused the breakup of your family. You haven't kept in touch and nobody should push you to forgive and forget just because she wants to attend the wedding. NO. Too much negative energy to ruin your day. Keep the drama away. Stand up to your fiancée. Dont get sucker-punched by her or your sister inviting that woman behind your back. Your mother and sister are AHs. And your fiance is being a little sneaky after you told her no.
People coming from a solid family don't always get that not everyone is. These kind of things only happen in books, right? Unfortunately I've seen the other side and suspect OP is not telling everything that went down. I get his fiancée not understanding why he wants to be NC and the mum using a sob story proclaiming to always been a good mother. I've seen it happen. I hope the couple works(worked) it out.
Dump this fiancee because she doesn't respect your feelings or your needs. Dump the sister too, for the same reason. And, people, can we please use the correct terms? "Fiance" is male, "fiancee" is female.
Sister and Fiance are NOT OK for what they were doing, but this guy has to build a bridge and accept that people, even parents, are not perfect. I am not saying this guy has to forget what his mom did or even welcome his mom back into his life, but you can literally feel his anger at his mother through this post and you can tell is is eating him alive. Anger is punishing yourself for something someone else did. He needs to find a way to let go not for his mom (or sister) but for himself.
I would be more concerned for his fiancé. This is a man who clearly has no capability for forgiveness... cutting his mother completely out of his life as a teen is understandable, but you'd think he'd be willing to work on things as an adult. Cutting his sister out of the wedding instead of just telling her the mother won't be allowed to attend? That seems extreme as well. I understand he has reasons to be upset, but he should get into counselling ASAP if he wants to have a successful marriage. Learning how to communicate during disagreement is imperative to a good relationship.
Forgiveness is OP's to grant or withhold. And being a child whose world is torn apart by infidelity is hard to move past, but carrying that poison isn't going to do them any favors. I think counseling and having an actual conversation with the mom would do some good. It doesn't mean forgiveness, just clarity.
Dude clearly needs therapy. He needs to work through his mother-issues, and get adult perspective. Maybe even do some therapy with his mum, and get her side of the story. He can choose to not have her in his life, but he's still reacting like a hurt, jealous teenager, and it's affecting his ability to have a relationship with his sister and his fiancee. He needs to do a lot work on himself before he gets married. His fiancee might be someone he will recreate his parent's dynamic with, given that she's going behind his back to communicate with his mum.
Everyone else needs therapy but him. The 3 ladies around him are being c***s and they are trying to screw him around. He is the only sane one in my opinion
Load More Replies... You are the one who should be avoided. You hold grudges and seem to enjoy it and feel self-righteous about it. You won't even give your own mother a second chance despite the fact that she's been reaching out. Your sister was invited with plus one and had the right to choose whoever she wanted. Your fiancée bonded with your sister and wanted her there, but you overruled that too. Your refusal to compromise or show kindness makes you a bad marriage risk.
Perhaps if you read the whole post, you will be able to respond reasonably. No one is required to maintain relationships with people who smash through boundaries and are abusive. "But, they're family!!!!" is the rallying cry of people without a flipping clue about how abusive families can be. Or, do you think abusers should just be forgiven because they cry and whine? Sad.
Load More Replies... It’s none of his business that her infidelity tore his family apart? That didn’t affect him at all?
Load More Replies...
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