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43 Microaggressions Women Hear So Often That Theyāve Stopped Being Surprised, But Never Stopped Noticing
Women are not angry. Women are just tired. There is a meaningful difference, and if you need that explained, you might want to read this article twice. Every day, without fail, without exception, and without anyone apparently being able to stop it, women navigate an obstacle course of small and absolutely exhausting interactions that individually seem minor and collectively make you want to move to a remote island with good Wi-Fi and a strict no-mansplaining policy.
Not the big stuff, although that too. The stuff that happens so regularly that women have developed a whole facial expression for it that men have never correctly identified. On a Thread, a user asked women to list the microaggressions they field way too often, and the answers were so universally recognized by every woman who read it that it could have gone on indefinitely. These are the highlights, although "highlights" is doing a lot of work as a word here.
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#1
āI did the dishes for youā
No. You did the dishes because youāre an adult who Iives here and eats food.
Also, please stop announcing it like Iām supposed to throw confetti and cheer.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
My ex used to think cooking and chores gave him points that would guarantee him s*x.
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#2
āWorld Cupā vs āWomenās World Cupā. āBasketballā vs ā Womenās Basketballā.
āSoccerā vs. āWomenās Soccerā.
Asking women what they use for birth control, but not asking men. Medical records not even having a place to document what men do for their part in contraception. It doesnāt even occur to people that men can (and should) play a role in pregnancy prevention.
#3
Referring to everything a woman does as ālittle.ā āHave fun with your little book club,ā āhowās your little project going?ā āGo have your little girlās night.ā Excuse me sir I am not Stuart Little please stop infantilizing everything I do.
Microaggressions are exactly what they sound like, micro. Not the big, obvious stuff that everyone can agree is a problem, but the small, everyday moments that individually seem almost too minor to mention and collectively make you feel like you are losing your mind. The term was coined by psychiatrist Chester Pierce in the 1970s and later expanded by psychologist Derald Wing Sue, who defined them as the commonplace verbal and behavioral indignities that communicate something negative, whether the person delivering them meant to or not.
That last part is the one that tends to derail every conversation about this topic, because intention and impact are not the same thing, and the woman who just got asked if she is sure she understands how the software works does not feel better about it because the guy asking probably meant well. The message landed all the same, and the damage is the same regardless.
#5
Using variations of ālike a girlā to insult other men.
Iām a martial arts instructor. Had a guy in class recently struggling with a drill and taking out his frustrations on another dude by telling him he hit ālike a little girlā.
I told him in no uncertain terms that was unacceptable. Then I stepped in to work with him and show him how hard a girl hits. He left class bruised but wiser, and most importantly quieter.
#6
āItās just a jokeā after saying some of the most heinous things.
hannahbahngswife 1 week ago
"It's not that deep!" Yes it is. But what can I do, nothing is deep for someone with a shallow mind.
Mansplaining has been happening for centuries, but it got its name in 2008 when Rebecca Solnit wrote an essay called 'Men Explain Things to Me', describing the experience of a man at a party confidently explaining her own book to her without knowing she had written it. The essay went viral because every woman who read it immediately thought of seventeen personal examples.
Research confirmed what women already knew from lived experience: a 2014 study from George Washington University found that men interrupted women 33% more in mixed-gender conversations and were more likely to interrupt women than women were to interrupt men. The interruption is rarely aggressive but it is relentless, and that is the most exhausting part.
#7
I hate it when a man says āLooks like itās someoneās time of the monthā.
#8
I took my daughter to buy a car. The sales man kept talking to me, despite her asking all the questions. I finally looked at him and said āSheās the one buying the car. Iām just her ride, because she needs a car.ā
#9
The worst: a woman speaks up in a meeting with a good idea/solution. She is ignored and her idea rejected. 2 minutes later, a man says the same thing, word for word, and he is a genius.
Vexed Panda 1 week ago
My boss did this to me once in a construction meeting. When they finished patting his back, he told them he was glad they liked my idea. This is the way.
The professional credibility gap is another common issue that a Yale study gave some validity to. They sent identical CVs to faculty across American universities with one variable: the name at the top. The female-named applications were rated as less competent, less hireable, and deserving of a lower starting salary than the male-named ones.
Same CV. Different name. Different outcome. Both male and female faculty rated them this way, which might be the worst part of it all. Women in professional settings who feel like they are constantly having to prove something their male colleagues are simply assumed to have are not imagining it. Yale confirmed it.
#10
Asking the woman in a group to take notes in a meeting or be in charge of the catering.
Linda Lee 1 week ago
My boss told me to order pizza for the crew again. I said that sounded like a learning opportunity for one of the crew. He insisted, so I ordered the pizza. I ordered WAY too much pizza. There was enough left over for the entire crew to take home whole pizzas. (I took a page from men's weaponized incompetence playbook.)
#11
Thinking their 8 hour work day is harder than our 8 hour work day for no reason.
#12
Giving women ātipsā to avoid being attacked/graped but never acknowledging whoās doing the attacking/graping.
Arlie Hochschild coined the term 'emotional labour' in 1983 to describe the work of managing your feelings as part of a job, originally applied to flight attendants trained to stay pleasant no matter what was happening around them. The concept has since expanded to cover something women have been doing for free in every area of their lives for way longer.
In professional settings, it looks like softening bad news so nobody feels bad, mediating conflicts nobody asked you to mediate, and remembering every colleague's birthday while also doing your actual job. At home it looks like being the person who notices when the toilet paper is running low, tracks the family calendar, and senses that something is wrong before anyone has said a word. It is work. It just does not get called that, which is rather convenient for everyone who benefits from it.
#13
When dads bring their kids to the doctorās office and we ask for THEIR OWN CHILDRENāS medical history, they go, āOh, I never handle that. Thatās their momās area.ā Then they proceed to ask their own kids if they have any allergies or call MOM to ask. ONE TIME, I HAD A 7-YEAR-OLD WHO KNEW MORE ABOUT HER OLDER SISTERāS MEDICAL HISTORY THAN HER OWN FATHER DID. LET THAT SINK IN.
random_froggg (she/they 86/47) 1 week ago
Oldest child, I was in the same situation. Always knew more about my siblings and their lives and helped raise them more than my dad ever did
#15
When men find you attractive, they be nice and polite. When they donāt, they are acting rude and unkind.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
Some men are kind, either way, if they were raised right. I hate it when they jeer and sneer at me just for being in their presence. I don't need every man's opinion about my appearance.
When you look at the numbers, it is simply too alarming to mansplain away. According to the McKinsey Women in the Workplace Report, 55% of women report experiencing at least one competence-based microaggression at work, and research by the Integrating Women Leaders Foundation puts the broader figure at 65% experiencing subtle or indirect discrimination on the job, making women up to three times more likely to encounter it than men.
In male-dominated or highly competitive fields, those numbers climb to between 72% and 85%, which at that point makes it an integrated part of the job description. It's just not one you will see openly advertised n LinkedIn.
#16
Challenging/arguing with whatever women say, no matter how innocuous.
If I say the sky is blue a man will pop up from six towns over to bicker about it. It's weird as hell and y'all need to stop.
#18
All of the men who think they can beat elite female athletes in their sport... like sir, I swam d1, you're not beating me in a 500 free without years of training.
And although this kind of behavior can be seen in every industry, women in medicine are particularly targeted. Among female resident and attending physicians, 84.6% reported experiencing gender-based microaggressions, and 72% of women applying for residency programs reported encountering them during interviews, compared to 30% of men going through the exact same process.
These are not entry-level industries full of people still figuring out professional norms. These are highly trained specialists in rooms full of other highly trained specialists, and it is still happening at that rate, which tells you something about how little the level of the room changes the dynamic.
#19
When a woman says they're a fan of anything traditionally male centered (ex: sports, gaming) and men immediately quiz them to make them prove what they know.
hannahbahngswife 1 week ago
If you are a fan of a male dominated sport for example, you are a "fake fan." If you are a fan of a female dominated sport, "it's not real sport."
#20
Iām a veterinarian, I have a doctorate in Veterinary Medicine. When I was dating and men would ask me what I did for work, I would say Iām a veterinarian. More then once the guy would jump in and say āyou mean a vet tech?ā because they couldnāt mentally reconcile a women who is a doctor.
#21
Calling a father "helpful" for parenting his own children.
StrangeOne 1 week ago (edited)
Both parents help out with the kids, generally speaking. I find this a complicated matter, because some women would rather do things themselves than allow their partners to help out for various reasons. A common one is they think their partner does an inadequate job, or they just cannot bear to have someone else take control. Which I find is a microaggression, too.
For women with multiple marginalized identities, the odds are probably the worst. Black and Asian women are seven times more likely to be confused with another person of the same race or ethnicity than White women. 42% of Black women report having to provide more evidence of competence than their colleagues, compared to 31% of women overall and 16% of men.
#22
Honestly itās the interrupting. Constant. Iād love to simply finish a sentence.
Vexed Panda 1 week ago
Had an ex who did this. Then he'd ask what I was going to say and I'd tell him I forgot and walk away. After I added he better hope it wasn't that he was on fire, he started making an effort.
#23
Claiming direct communication from women is āaggressiveā or ācrazyā when they celebrate that same language from men.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
It's definitely a dominance move, but it's not isolated to just men. I've experienced this attitude from both men and women who are either higher up in rank, or vying for a promotion to get higher than me.
#24
Expecting her to remember everything: Appointments, school forms, birthdays, groceries, and what everybody needs.
But if you are a lady reading this, none of this is new information to you. Every woman reading this thread nodded along with the exhausted recognition of someone who has been absorbing these moments for years and largely keeping it to herself because the alternative is being told she is overreacting.
It is real and significantly worse if you are also navigating race or any other marginalized identity on top of gender. But ladies have been cataloging it all along, and for now we are laughing together because sometimes that is the only plausible response to something you cannot fix before lunch.
What microaggression are you faced with way too often? Lets find some solidarity in the comments!
#25
when talking to a couple, assuming the man is the one that has the final say on the matter.
Linda Lee 1 week ago
I live alone in a nice house. My neighbor asked me what my husband does to keep me in that nice house. I smiled and didn't answer. Weeks later he said he didn't see a man around the house and asked me if I was a working girl. He didn't mean to insult me, he was nearly 80 years old. I told him I was a corporate accountant and he left me alone after that.
#26
Calling male political candidates by their last names and female political candidates by their first names.
#27
āIāll help. Just give me a listā.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
Someone in the reddit comments asked another if they ask their boss for a list to do their job. Well, actually, some jobs require further instructions and lists so everyone is on the same page. If someone tells you they're going to do the grocery shopping, how can you expect them to read your mind? What happens is the man goes shopping, come back and the woman blows up because he didn't get everything she had in mind to get. That's why communication is important when you're living together. Drum up a list together.
#28
Refusing to believe something you said until a man says it.
#31
āBabies are so easy.. you just put them in a bouncy chair and thatās itā thatās all you have to do.ā
#32
Being really dramatic gross and loud with their hacking and coughing and sneezing.
#33
Flapping on about how easy it is to be a caregiver for someone when theyāve never fn actually done it.
#34
At a new job, in a meeting with my new direct reports. Business discussed. Confused graces among all the men, who took notes?
They all turn to me and point out that I had been taking notes and that I could share. I said, āNo. Because Iām the only woman in the room taking personal notes. I will not be sharing. Assign a note taker in advance.ā Slammed my book shut and strutted out of the room.
2 hours later, my boss approaches and said, āso glad youāre here.ā
#35
My friend is a well-respected defense attorney. Her client was refusing to take her very sound legal advice. She fought with him for days.
Finally, she sent her male partner in. The client agreed immediately.
He just had to hear it from a man.
#36
Iām a wedding photographer. My second shooter is a man.
9/10 times the DJ will go to him about timeline questions, changes, any communication basically. It drives me nuts.
āFemalesā.
#37
A conversation with a man I know who never travels anywhere - Me: āIām so excited to go to the Tongass National Forestā Him: āarenāt you going to Alaska?ā Me: āyes..?ā Him: ā thereās no rainforests there, itās Alaskaā Me: āso, fun fact. A forest just needs a lot of rain to be a rainforest, it doesnāt have to be hot.ā He stares at me, then walks away. Later I find him googling it.
#38
Dr. First Name for women, Dr. Last Name for men.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
Never noticed this. I have a male doctor whom everyone just goes by his first name because his last name is difficult to pronounce.
#39
I teach 6th grade, and even my male students quiz me when I say I like UFC. Most of them only know a couple main fighters but assume they know more than I do.
StrangeOne 1 week ago
I wouldn't take it too personal from 6th graders. They're all about one-upping everyone.
#40
Refusing to consume film, TV, books, music, theater or art that centers women and girls, and claiming that it "just doesn't interest me."
StrangeOne 1 week ago
"I'm the manliest man whoever manned. I only take interest in testosterone filled media. Because I'm a manly man."
#41
Laughing at women for watching reality tv as if televised sports arenāt the same thing in comfier shoes.
StrangeOne 1 week ago (edited)
Reality TV is a vague term that doesn't just apply to Dance Moms and Real Housewives, and some reality TV shows are tailored for men more than women. Hell On The Highway, Ice Road Truckers, Deadliest Catch are considered reality TV. Same with sports. It's not just football, american football (handegg), hockey, basketball, baseball. It also includes figure skating, gymnastics, swimming, diving, synchronized swimming, etc. But I do agree that laughing at someone for what they like to watch is plain immature.
#42
When men say my name to me in the third person, āHow is Amy doing today?ā
#43
Using my name when it's already clear you're speaking to me.
StrangeOne 1 week ago (edited)
Nah nah. I have heard women do this, excessively. I don't know if it's a habit, or something some people are conditioned to do, but it's not a microaggression.
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What do you think ?
Magnell 1 week ago
although much of it is unfortunately right there was quite a lot that happens equally between the sexes... seems more like ragebait than actual concerns...
Cerulean 1 week ago
It's hard to have your own group criticised, or their privilege pointed out. It's hard not to get defensive, whether it's about gender or race or class or nationality... Most ppl can endure critique for a very short time and then they start yelling they are "sick of it" and how persecuted they feel. I have no idea what can be done about that.
Load More Replies... hannahbahngswife 1 week ago
After a couple have a child, no one bats an eye when the dad gains weight but it's a problem if the mom (who carried the child) gains weight. Source: the s**t my mom hears (but my dad doesn't).
MushroomHead22 1 week ago
your dad probably has, but to him its not a big deal whereas to your mother it is.
Load More Replies...
Magnell 1 week ago
although much of it is unfortunately right there was quite a lot that happens equally between the sexes... seems more like ragebait than actual concerns...
Cerulean 1 week ago
It's hard to have your own group criticised, or their privilege pointed out. It's hard not to get defensive, whether it's about gender or race or class or nationality... Most ppl can endure critique for a very short time and then they start yelling they are "sick of it" and how persecuted they feel. I have no idea what can be done about that.
Load More Replies... hannahbahngswife 1 week ago
After a couple have a child, no one bats an eye when the dad gains weight but it's a problem if the mom (who carried the child) gains weight. Source: the s**t my mom hears (but my dad doesn't).
MushroomHead22 1 week ago
your dad probably has, but to him its not a big deal whereas to your mother it is.
Load More Replies...
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