I Am Alive To Talk About It. I Survived.

I have been looking for a way to speak up for some time. I am not looking for attention. I am not looking for anything special. What I do want to do… is educate. You see, I am a survivor. The scars i carry, are ones that you cannot see physically. But they are there nonetheless.

It all started in 2010. I was 17 and a senior in high school.

You would think that after having been harmed by someone in an abusive first relationship before, i would not be the sort to trust very easily at this point. Yes, that was so. However, being as shy and skittish at the time as i was, i also was picked on often. Tripped, pushed into walls, mocked. It became bad enough that i felt that even though I was told it was a bad idea, i would give online communication a shot, in an effort to find just a hint of kindness somewhere.

So i made an account on a social website which will not be named as i do not want people to think it is the fault of the website. And i began trying to make friends, and find someone, anyone, who would start treating me like i was something other than garbage.

I had been told never to trust anyone online several times. But i forgot this in the desperation following so much bullying, to find someone who would be kind to me.

Along comes a fellow member of the website. He is kind of… odd… at first glance… but he is so kind. He treats me like im a human and not the scum of the earth that people seemed to view me as. He tells me he is 19, he recently graduated from my high school, he lived in a halfway house at the moment, warned me that he was in said halfway house cuz he had a weapon when he shouldn’t have, (should have been a hint i suppose) and that i was very cute and he liked me. I jumped at the chance to have a friend, someone who saw me as a proper human being.

From the start this guy acted a little off. He openly admitted to being schizophrenic and said he forgot his meds a lot and asked me to forgive him for being strange, so, despite the fact that when he did forget he would rant and rave about how the world was after him and owed him an apology and much to my amusement was dead seriously convinced that he was god and his ex wife was Cleopatra and all kinds of delusional craziness, i chose to accept him as he was. I figured, well he might be a little on the wacky side, but at least he is treating me better than everyone else is…

as the months went on the random rantings got worse. And what should have been the first warning of what he truly was, completely failed to even click in my mind at the moment, when he began mentioning that he was visiting an ex fiance of his, who also will remain un named, and how they had these wonderful chats. He wentnon amd on about her quite often. I did not have a problem with that i mean there is no crime in conversation right?

Around this same time, something else that should have been a giant red flag also completely failed to click entirely in my young and naive mind, and to this day it haunts me. Several months into the realtionship i had started with this man, he said, i have something to show you! I said well what is it. He said, look! and much to my absolute horror, what he was so excited to show me was a little black kitten, dead, its legs and tail chopped off and laying next to its bloody corpse in a pool of blood… The man was preening! He was so proud of himself!!!! And when he saw that i was upset by this, he just began to laugh hysterically. He in his warped brain thought i would be happy because i love animals.

You would think that would have made me run. But i still clung to the kindness because the rest of the world was still being hateful.

After a while, he disappeared without warning. And it was long enough i became worried because he was prone to self harm and i was worried he had gone and done something rly bad. So. I called the police. I gave them the name, the address, the necessary info for them to check on him. After i mentioned who i was, his girlfriend, the officer i was speaking with asked me, how old are you. I told them. Then there was a long silence. This was followed by a short sigh and a, okay, he is okay he is at home. I was relieved. The conversation ended. I got a freaked out text the next day about police knocking on his door followed by a don’t ever do that again holy s***t etc… he was rather upset even after i had explained i was just worried. I figured, well, he has that whole paranoia deal, im not worried.

Well mom had been suspicious about the guy from the start but was allowing me to have a little freedom. After the imcident where i had contacted the police, my mom got a call from the police. They asked, are you aware of your daughter being in contact with this man. And that is where the truly frightening part of this little story comes to light.

This guy claimed to be 19.

He was in his late 30s.

He was a paranoid schizophrenic with homicidal tendencies.

He had killed two women. And that was what was known about.

One of the women, was the very same one he talked about visiting all the time. He was visiting her all right. Sitting at her grave, talking as though she were still alive. In his mond killing them, made it so they would never leave…

Upon finding out, after a long time denying and not believing anyone because in the process, this guy had pulled me into his delusional little world, a world where you can not trust anyone, even yourself, the line between reality and delusion is so blurred u cannot see the difference anymore… i finally snapped out of it enough that i realized i was in horrible danger. I ran away and cut off communication.

My parents started tracking everything i was doing on my phone to make sure he stayed away.

A little while after i ran, there was word another girl had been found and her death was connected to this guy.

I know it was my fault. After all he was furious when i left. The anger was almost tangible in the last communications i received. I will banish you i will send u to hell burn in hell…. such hatred. And then silence….

And then a third known death….

They say there is very likely more than just the three known ones…

Parents, I know this sounds so out there. You always think. It wont happen to me. It wont happen to my child. Out of who knows how many victims, im the only one who lived to speak of this. Your children may become upset because you want to track what they are up to on social media. Dont let this discourage you. It cansave lives. By keeping track of things. My mom saved my life.

Yes i was upset because my trust was then broken entirely and it took so long to escape the delusional world he had drawn me into. Even now i have flashbacks especially of the cat. He vanished after the third death and consequently i still look over my shoulder wondering if hes watching.

I have the feeling someone is going to doubt me. I dont know how many people who have been theough horrible things feel that way. But i am hoping that by sharing what happened… as much as i am willing to open up about at least, there is a lot i skimmed through because a lot of disturbing things happened in the course of those few months… i am hoping to send the message that the internet is a very dangerous place. I was lucky and escaped only scarred for life by what I had seen. Especially that poor poor little kitten, which i have nightmares about even after all this time. Those other three women were not so lucky. There are monsters hiding behind their screens. I know my story is not the only one out there. But by sharing it i hope that people will listen and realize, the internet is dangerous. Be careful who and what you trust. You never know whose hunting grounds you might have stepped into.

Please dont mock me :(

Thanks for listening… i am worried but im still going to share. Sharing these things is how you prevent other people from being hurt after all…