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“If He Won’t Help, I Won’t Stay”: Woman Asks Husband For Help, Realizes She Doesn’t Need Him
Having kids and a household together does mean that every couple has to have the talk about, one way or another, who cooks and who eats. Unfortunately, all too often, men in relationships believe that because they work a nine-to-five, they don’t have to do anything else.
A woman asked the internet for advice when her husband refused to actually help her around the house despite her finding a job. We reached out to the woman who made the post via private message and will update the article when she gets back to us.
RELATED:
Asking your partner for help around the house is a reasonable thing to do
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
So one woman began to consider a divorce when her husband refused to pitch in
Image credits: Monika Grabkowska (not the actual image)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: Natural_Copy_3850
Some men are raised to think domestic work “isn’t for them”
More often than not, husbands who refuse to help at home or with the children are not doing so out of incompetence but rather under archaic assumptions or unconscious biases about gender roles. Boys may be raised in homes in which “women’s work” was child care, cleaning, and cooking and can discover that home work is not part of a man’s job description. As adults, they will then merely revert to the childhood behavior learned, relying on their partners to pick up the slack without complaint. We don’t actually know what is the origin of this man’s “weaponized incompetence,” but his utter refusal to help at all fits the bill.
This kind of behavior becomes especially destructive in today’s relationships, when both partners tend to work dual careers and have busy schedules. When one partner does the lion’s share of domestic duties and child-rearing tasks, they risk burnout. Resentment builds as they watch their partner come in from work and promptly fall onto the couch, free to relax, while they plunge into preparing dinners, bath times, and laundry. Over time, this imbalance can erode affection, spark constant bickering, and drain the sense of partnership that marriage is built on.
Not helping sends an implicit message about respect and values. A partner who won’t do laundry or read bedtime stories sends the message that their alone time is more important than family-duty time. This perceived lack of help can undermine trust and intimacy. The other spouse can feel more and more like a live-in maid, personal chef or paid baby-sitter instead of an equal partner. Even worse, in this story she directly asks for help and he turns her down. It might be cliche to invoke wedding vows, but “until death do us part,” does include actually helping your wife when she needs it.
Image credits: kitzcorner (not the actual image)
A successful marriage is a team effort
Kids notice as well. As boys mature to witness their father uninvolved in domestic work and disinterested in diapering and school projects, they learn strict stereotypes regarding work and men and women. Girls learn that emotional labor and domesticity are the sole responsibilities of women, reliving the same patterns of inequality into the next generation.
Breaking these tendencies requires awareness, communication, and action. Couples might start by openly discussing the disparity, no blame, then establishing fair chore charts or alternating parenting responsibility. The occasional timing of themselves and doing chores “together for 15 minutes” can create a new, cooperative pace. Husbands who make even small, habitual gestures, loading the dish-fighter, packing school lunches, reading a bedtime book, demonstrate dedication not just to the house but to the health of the relationship itself. Unfortunately, this husband doesn’t seem to stick the landing and just gives up a few weeks in.
Ultimately, marriage is all about partnership. A husband who won’t lift a finger isn’t just avoiding chores; he’s building emotional distance. A man who supports his portion of domestic life builds trust, reinforces mutual respect, and teaches partnership to his children. It has nothing to do with divvying up chores according to gender, it has everything to do with dividing life’s responsibilities in order to create a home where everyone feels nurtured, valued, and loved. This woman is quite correct to ask “why do I need him?” when she now has a job as well as all the responsibilities. At the very least, he’ll have to learn how to do it all himself if she goes through with it.
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual image)
Some folks needed more information
Many thought she was right to be unhappy with this arrangement
Some folks saw the husband’s point of view
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What do you think ?
Socks Thecate 6 months ago (edited)
I would divorce. I would also mention in court that the poor tired dear works forty hours a week so is too tired to brush his daughter's teeth. If daughter goes to his home overnight he will not be able to do simple tasks for her so perhaps she shouldn't.
BeesEelsAndPups 6 months ago
Speaking as a single parent, it's far easier to parent children when you don't have a partner, than to parent children when your partner is actively working against you. This guy sounds like a major tool-bag. I normally wouldn't advocate for divorce, as it is a messy, expensive, and painful process, but in this case, I totally agree. He's not helping, he's telling her what she can and cannot do with her own career, and punishing both her and their child when she doesn't comply with his demands. She is not his slave, she should find a better partner.
Load More Replies...
Isolde Leeuwen 6 months ago
I do not get these people calling her the AH, because she went to work without his 'permission'. They needed the money and he was too busy keeping his 'fair share' of doing very little to even consider the money they need. OP has tried everything, communicated her needs and all he did was stonewall her and gaslight her when she solves their problems.
XenoMurph 6 months ago
The worrying thing is that so many of the comments said "He said no" so it's all your fault. How is solely his decision?
Isolde Leeuwen 6 months ago
All these people saying she is the AH for asking for some help is really beyond me. He is just pissed off she actually tries to make sure they have enough money by taking a job. Suddenly he has to more than his previous 'fair share'.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Divorce. He obviously doesn't care about what his wife wants, needs or prefers. Why in earth would you stay now that you're financially ok on your own? That's why he doesn't want her to work, she won't be trapped any longer.
Vinnie 6 months ago
That was shocking to me. He wanted children, but he won't even help their kid brush her teeth. WTF, did he want kids as a Plan B after a fertility clinic rejected him as a s***m donor??
Load More Replies...
Sarah 6 months ago
What am I reading here? And who are all the YTA? It’s a common phrase that women say… I went back to work to get a break ( from child rearing) husband won’t brush teeth? This lady sounds at end of her thether for whatever reasons.. she needs support . My advice to her is go away somewhere for 3 or 4 days. Your husband can mind the kids and hopefully get insight to level of work you’re doing. If you don’t look after yourself.. no one else will. And you have kids to to raise. Get yourself a little break if you can afford it or stay with sibling/ friend.
ghost gurl 6 months ago
FU.CK THAT LOSER- ITS JUST AS MUCH HIS JOB AS HERS TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING- FROM DISHES TO CHILDCARE. leave him.
Kate Johnson 6 months ago
Husbands like this don't deserve s*x or companionship. If they bring little to nothing to the table they get little to nothing they want out of the relationship. This is clearly a "woman as appliance" bro who doesn't actually care about anyone but himself.
Mark Childers 6 months ago
Leave him. My father was like this, but he didn't even cook. He never lifted a finger for us or the house. We were so much better off after he left. We didn't have to deal with his moods, his rage, his selfishness and laziness, or any of the other unpleasant things he was. Kids aren't better off in a two parent family if one of those parents doesn't care or, worse, is cold and uncaring.
Existing 6 months ago (edited)
In one of the lady’s responses to a comments she said is…he wasn’t this bad before their child. That little girl is going to watch him and how he acts her whole life.. my mom said the same thing about my dad. My mom also said he wanted kids. I did find out early on that he meant he wanted boys. Not a girl. If her dad’s attitude stays like, then he will lose her. Maybe he won’t care. But it will traumatize her for the rest of her life.
Agat 6 months ago (edited)
Okay, I don't understand anything here. First of all, why would she need her husband's PERMISSION to go back to work? Isn't she a free person? Secondly, if he did all the cooking then what exactly was so terribly draining? Cooking takes the most time by far (unless he just uses frozen foods and calls it cooking). If someone took cooking from me and left me with everything else, I'd be happy. Thirdly, why does this man think he can reject every option presented and doesn't even consider his wife's opinion? If she's been asking for counselling, or asking for his help with the child or chores, or anything really - why in the hell would he just tell her no without a second thought? What kind of partnership is this, ffs? 🤦♀️
Lyoness 4 months ago
Are you seriously not seeing what's draining? Him doing the cooking leaves her with grocery shopping, dishes, driving to and from appointments and keeping them organized, laundry, cleaning the house, yard work (that she says she does) and ALL the childcare (feeding, changing, bathing and all the planning and laundry that goes with it). THAT is what's so draining. Cooking is just one part of running a house.
Load More Replies...
The Starsong Princess 6 months ago
She doesn’t need his permission to work. She’s also foolish to torpedo her career long term by not working because it makes her dependent on someone who sees her as a servant. I don’t think this marriage can be saved.
Jess Bertram 6 months ago
Easy test: they both go back to work full time. SHE cooks, and does nothing else. HE takes over her previously-held litany of tasks. We'll see how long he belches out "fAiR sHArE" then. NTA
Vinny DaPooh 6 months ago (edited)
I don't understand men who won't help raise their own kids. It's always been a team thing with my wife. Though as you have more kids you have to go from man coverage to zone defense in taking care of them.
Mad McQueen 6 months ago
Kinda sounds like if u had a boy he would be more involved with your child. As it’s now to girls a one boy why should he bother. Get the divorce. It will be tough but your daughter comes first. If he can’t even brush her teeth and only does dinner once in a while what’s the use of him being a roommate? Move. On. You’re going to stress yourself out too much.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 months ago
I don't get any sense from OP's post that her husband wanted to be a "boy dad" vs a "girl dad" and that's why he's neglecting his female child. I don't see where you're inferring that from. OP specifically said that it was her husband's idea to have children.
Load More Replies... mria alternativa 6 months ago
The YTAs are on the crazy-train as usual. I hope OP left her useless sp*rm donor and had a less stressful life without that spiteful man-baby.
Key Lime 2 months ago
My parents both worked. My Dad cooked dinner every evening and took us kids to piano & swimming lessons and anything else we needed. He also did most of the yard work. I was horribly surprised to see how little my husband did without me nagging him. Oh he would play with the children so I could cook and clean but that is very little help.
Pat Ferryman 3 months ago
Actually I would point out he is a grown a*s man and he can clean up after himself and help with his child. I had that conversation and reminded him it’s not in the marriage rules that he doesn’t have to do his share
shg stewart 5 months ago
Working full-time and cooking every day isn't "doing your fair share" around the house even if your partner only works part-time. There are a million and one things that need doing in a household even if you don't have a kid.
Roxie Carter 6 months ago
1) I would love to know how their salaries compare. A lot of majority-salary earners consider their higher income to be their "fair share". Not saying they're right, it's just something that needs to be addressed. 2) Why did he even have a kid?
Christos Arvanitis 6 months ago (edited)
They clearly had some major communication issues before she decided that she wanted to back to work. I'd say that his 98% the a-hole and the only reason that I give her 2% responsibility for the mess is that they talked about it and he disagreed and she went ahead and went back to work despite them disagreeing. Do I think that we has an a-hole to not want her to go back to work? 100% They had/have problems that likely were there beforehand and they remain unresolved. And the fact that he won't go to counseling, which could help resolve things makes him a total a-hole. EDIT: I 100% believe that she didn't need the husbands stamp of approval to go back to work, just that it's no surprise that it blew up this way.
Ginger Winters 5 months ago
She's offered and he's declined. It was in there
Load More Replies...
LongFang 6 months ago
My (ex wife) is a Bio Engineer and could not find a job the 1st 5 years of marriage. She'd be home looking for work on the computer. We decided we could have a child and i have a wonderful 14yrs old now. Until she found work, i get home, change diapers, wash dishes, mopped the floor etc. Not sit my a*s down with a remote & a beer in hand. Thought i was being a fair husband. She cheated... Once... Twice... cue divorce.
Socks Thecate 6 months ago (edited)
I would divorce. I would also mention in court that the poor tired dear works forty hours a week so is too tired to brush his daughter's teeth. If daughter goes to his home overnight he will not be able to do simple tasks for her so perhaps she shouldn't.
BeesEelsAndPups 6 months ago
Speaking as a single parent, it's far easier to parent children when you don't have a partner, than to parent children when your partner is actively working against you. This guy sounds like a major tool-bag. I normally wouldn't advocate for divorce, as it is a messy, expensive, and painful process, but in this case, I totally agree. He's not helping, he's telling her what she can and cannot do with her own career, and punishing both her and their child when she doesn't comply with his demands. She is not his slave, she should find a better partner.
Load More Replies... Isolde Leeuwen 6 months ago
I do not get these people calling her the AH, because she went to work without his 'permission'. They needed the money and he was too busy keeping his 'fair share' of doing very little to even consider the money they need. OP has tried everything, communicated her needs and all he did was stonewall her and gaslight her when she solves their problems.
XenoMurph 6 months ago
The worrying thing is that so many of the comments said "He said no" so it's all your fault. How is solely his decision?
Isolde Leeuwen 6 months ago
All these people saying she is the AH for asking for some help is really beyond me. He is just pissed off she actually tries to make sure they have enough money by taking a job. Suddenly he has to more than his previous 'fair share'.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago
Divorce. He obviously doesn't care about what his wife wants, needs or prefers. Why in earth would you stay now that you're financially ok on your own? That's why he doesn't want her to work, she won't be trapped any longer.
Vinnie 6 months ago
That was shocking to me. He wanted children, but he won't even help their kid brush her teeth. WTF, did he want kids as a Plan B after a fertility clinic rejected him as a s***m donor??
Load More Replies... Sarah 6 months ago
What am I reading here? And who are all the YTA? It’s a common phrase that women say… I went back to work to get a break ( from child rearing) husband won’t brush teeth? This lady sounds at end of her thether for whatever reasons.. she needs support . My advice to her is go away somewhere for 3 or 4 days. Your husband can mind the kids and hopefully get insight to level of work you’re doing. If you don’t look after yourself.. no one else will. And you have kids to to raise. Get yourself a little break if you can afford it or stay with sibling/ friend.
ghost gurl 6 months ago
FU.CK THAT LOSER- ITS JUST AS MUCH HIS JOB AS HERS TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING- FROM DISHES TO CHILDCARE. leave him.
Kate Johnson 6 months ago
Husbands like this don't deserve s*x or companionship. If they bring little to nothing to the table they get little to nothing they want out of the relationship. This is clearly a "woman as appliance" bro who doesn't actually care about anyone but himself.
Mark Childers 6 months ago
Leave him. My father was like this, but he didn't even cook. He never lifted a finger for us or the house. We were so much better off after he left. We didn't have to deal with his moods, his rage, his selfishness and laziness, or any of the other unpleasant things he was. Kids aren't better off in a two parent family if one of those parents doesn't care or, worse, is cold and uncaring.
Existing 6 months ago (edited)
In one of the lady’s responses to a comments she said is…he wasn’t this bad before their child. That little girl is going to watch him and how he acts her whole life.. my mom said the same thing about my dad. My mom also said he wanted kids. I did find out early on that he meant he wanted boys. Not a girl. If her dad’s attitude stays like, then he will lose her. Maybe he won’t care. But it will traumatize her for the rest of her life.
Agat 6 months ago (edited)
Okay, I don't understand anything here. First of all, why would she need her husband's PERMISSION to go back to work? Isn't she a free person? Secondly, if he did all the cooking then what exactly was so terribly draining? Cooking takes the most time by far (unless he just uses frozen foods and calls it cooking). If someone took cooking from me and left me with everything else, I'd be happy. Thirdly, why does this man think he can reject every option presented and doesn't even consider his wife's opinion? If she's been asking for counselling, or asking for his help with the child or chores, or anything really - why in the hell would he just tell her no without a second thought? What kind of partnership is this, ffs? 🤦♀️
Lyoness 4 months ago
Are you seriously not seeing what's draining? Him doing the cooking leaves her with grocery shopping, dishes, driving to and from appointments and keeping them organized, laundry, cleaning the house, yard work (that she says she does) and ALL the childcare (feeding, changing, bathing and all the planning and laundry that goes with it). THAT is what's so draining. Cooking is just one part of running a house.
Load More Replies... The Starsong Princess 6 months ago
She doesn’t need his permission to work. She’s also foolish to torpedo her career long term by not working because it makes her dependent on someone who sees her as a servant. I don’t think this marriage can be saved.
Jess Bertram 6 months ago
Easy test: they both go back to work full time. SHE cooks, and does nothing else. HE takes over her previously-held litany of tasks. We'll see how long he belches out "fAiR sHArE" then. NTA
Vinny DaPooh 6 months ago (edited)
I don't understand men who won't help raise their own kids. It's always been a team thing with my wife. Though as you have more kids you have to go from man coverage to zone defense in taking care of them.
Mad McQueen 6 months ago
Kinda sounds like if u had a boy he would be more involved with your child. As it’s now to girls a one boy why should he bother. Get the divorce. It will be tough but your daughter comes first. If he can’t even brush her teeth and only does dinner once in a while what’s the use of him being a roommate? Move. On. You’re going to stress yourself out too much.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 6 months ago
I don't get any sense from OP's post that her husband wanted to be a "boy dad" vs a "girl dad" and that's why he's neglecting his female child. I don't see where you're inferring that from. OP specifically said that it was her husband's idea to have children.
Load More Replies... mria alternativa 6 months ago
The YTAs are on the crazy-train as usual. I hope OP left her useless sp*rm donor and had a less stressful life without that spiteful man-baby.
Key Lime 2 months ago
My parents both worked. My Dad cooked dinner every evening and took us kids to piano & swimming lessons and anything else we needed. He also did most of the yard work. I was horribly surprised to see how little my husband did without me nagging him. Oh he would play with the children so I could cook and clean but that is very little help.
Pat Ferryman 3 months ago
Actually I would point out he is a grown a*s man and he can clean up after himself and help with his child. I had that conversation and reminded him it’s not in the marriage rules that he doesn’t have to do his share
shg stewart 5 months ago
Working full-time and cooking every day isn't "doing your fair share" around the house even if your partner only works part-time. There are a million and one things that need doing in a household even if you don't have a kid.
Roxie Carter 6 months ago
1) I would love to know how their salaries compare. A lot of majority-salary earners consider their higher income to be their "fair share". Not saying they're right, it's just something that needs to be addressed. 2) Why did he even have a kid?
Christos Arvanitis 6 months ago (edited)
They clearly had some major communication issues before she decided that she wanted to back to work. I'd say that his 98% the a-hole and the only reason that I give her 2% responsibility for the mess is that they talked about it and he disagreed and she went ahead and went back to work despite them disagreeing. Do I think that we has an a-hole to not want her to go back to work? 100% They had/have problems that likely were there beforehand and they remain unresolved. And the fact that he won't go to counseling, which could help resolve things makes him a total a-hole. EDIT: I 100% believe that she didn't need the husbands stamp of approval to go back to work, just that it's no surprise that it blew up this way.
Ginger Winters 5 months ago
She's offered and he's declined. It was in there
Load More Replies... LongFang 6 months ago
My (ex wife) is a Bio Engineer and could not find a job the 1st 5 years of marriage. She'd be home looking for work on the computer. We decided we could have a child and i have a wonderful 14yrs old now. Until she found work, i get home, change diapers, wash dishes, mopped the floor etc. Not sit my a*s down with a remote & a beer in hand. Thought i was being a fair husband. She cheated... Once... Twice... cue divorce.
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