Man Snaps After His Exhausted Stay-At-Home Wife Tries To “Police” His Showering Schedule
Being a stay-at-home parent of small children is certainly a full-time job. But when your partner also works full-time outside of the home, it can be challenging to agree on how those hours after work should be spent.
Below, you’ll find a story that one exhausted mother recently shared on Reddit, wondering if she’s wrong for trying to dictate when her husband is allowed to take showers. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Amy Webb of The Thoughtful Parent, as well as some of the replies invested readers shared.
It’s easy for parents of small children to feel like there’s simply not enough time in the day
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So this mom is wondering if it’s fair for her to dictate when her husband gets to shower
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Later, after reading some responses, the mom provided additional details on the situation
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“Doing even normal household tasks with young children in tow is challenging”
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to Amy Webb, creator of The Thoughtful Parent, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda about the issue between these two parents. Amy shared that this type of situation is common, especially when families have young children at home. “Toddlers demand a lot of attention and are at an age where they have very little ability to manage their emotions, so tantrums and big emotional reactions are not uncommon,” she explained.
“Sometimes doing even normal household tasks with young children in tow is challenging. It can be a strain on a marriage if neither partner wants to compromise or recognize/empathize with the experiences and feelings of the other,” the expert continued. “If one partner does most of the childcare, the other one may not completely understand how challenging it can be to get anything done with toddlers in the house.”
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“Set up an activity for the children while you make dinner”
As for how parents can ensure that chores get done and dinner gets made even with little ones at home, Amy provided some recommendations. “Set up an activity for the children while you make dinner. Maybe a toy they haven’t seen in a while or household objects like big bowls and spoons they can play with near the kitchen so you can keep an eye on them,” she shared.
“Try to prep some portion of dinner earlier in the day when the kids are napping or watching TV (if you allow that). Even some simple chopping or other food prep in advance can help make the ‘witching hour’ less stressful,” Amy added. “Young children are known to get cranky from around 4-7 pm (i.e. the ‘witching hour’), so tasks may be especially difficult then. Doing them earlier might work out better.”
The parenting expert also says that babywearing can be a great solution for very young toddlers. “Strap your baby or young toddler into a carrier, and they are usually happy while you can cook or do chores,” Amy told Bored Panda. “Older toddlers (3+) may be able to help with some simple cooking activities like pouring, mixing, etc. This would give them something to do while you cook, so they aren’t underfoot and cranky.”
It’s also important for parents to compromise with their partner. “Trade off cooking, so the other partner can watch the kids,” Amy recommends.
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“If neither partner really empathizes with the work that the other is doing, cultural stereotypes about ‘who’s working harder’ will likely prevail”
The expert also says it’s very important for working parents and stay-at-home parents to understand the other’s perspective as much as possible. “ALL parents are working parents! Whether you work inside the home caring for kids or outside, both have stresses,” she explained.
“Understanding that is key to making this type of relationship work. If neither partner really empathizes with the work that the other is doing, cultural stereotypes about ‘who’s working harder’ will likely prevail,” Amy warns. “Tune out the stereotypes and tune in and really listen to what each partner does in a day. Both jobs are hard; just in different ways.”
If you’d like to hear more words of wisdom about parenting from Amy, be sure to visit The Thoughtful Parent! And then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing conflicts between parents, look no further than right here.
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Some readers assured the mother that she hadn’t done anything wrong, noting that the situation itself is difficult
However, others thought the mom could try harder to find a compromise with her husband
And some thought that both parents should work on finding a better arrangement
The average US shower is 10 mins, this guy is taking nearly an hour. If he’s on the toilet for 25 minutes, he needs to eat more fibre and/or see a doctor. But really, he’s not doing this to get clean, he’s doing it for some quiet time to himself so his wife will handle all the kid chaos. I think that she should disappear into the bathroom for an hour after he finally joins them and see how he likes dealing with everything. Really he just needs to cut his bathroom time in half and start pulling his weight.
She has the whole day. She can put the kids in a playpen and make the meals to be heated quickly when he arrives. Or feed the kids earlier, letting them both have peace to enjoy dinner. 13 hours work in construction, this man needs to relax, decompress and mentally reset. This is a much needed break. He will be a happier, more present person when he's done. He has plenty of time with the kids when he's finished and fresh. I personally wouldn't want him bringing germs, dust and grime around the children and home. My sister works an incredibly demanding job. Our family allow her the luxury of her 1 hr baths because it's a much needed calm and reset when she returns home.
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If the kids are 1 and 3 they should be eating sooner than 7:30 at night. Since dad works so late, mom could feed the kids earlier and dad could take a quicker shower when he gets home. They could finesse the times and what each of them does every night to find what works best for all of them.They need to work together to accomplish that.
Seems like she is specifically waiting for him to get home so he can't have that time to himself.
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There are things they can both do better. Demanding that he not shower after working a physically demanding job for 12 hours is unreasonable. And taking ~60 minutes total in the bathroom is also unreasonable. Perhaps a good compromise could be that hubby takes 20 minutes in the bathroom and then they both work together to prepare dinner. That way, they're still on schedule to put the kids down on time.
As always with these types of AITA threads- it is ok for both parents to have needs. There are only losers and no winners here. It's ok to have needs. Compromise is the solution - mum needs help, dad needs a shower and some decompression time. So dad showers in 10 min. Or mum feeds kids and gets the ready for bed before 1830 when dad gets home, so he just does cuddles and stories. Or dad brings take out home once a week so no one cooks. Or the kids get 45 min of tv while dad "showers" (aka reads bored panda while hiding in the bathroom) and mum cooks... People need to be free to state their needs without attacking the other parent. Raising kids is a team sport, not a competition.
Why isn’t this every response in this comment section? Compromise for the win - team up to fix the problem.
Load More Replies... The couple are engaged in a battle without even realising they're at war. She wants him to do more, or at least some, of the hands-on parenting; he wants to chill out when he gets home and not have to put up with the kids. Not sure who's more at fault, but it seems that the poster is unaware of the real underlying issues here.
Cooking dinner during the day, reheat it at dinner time. Bam. You have no schedule problems. And yet... another story where she's frustrated by her own choice and he's clearly avoidant. Maybe the problem is deeper than dinner after all.
The dinner is probably the manifestation of the problem? Did not read whole,was mom home by here own choice/will? Else find a jobb if possible and have daycare? It's important for the kids to socialise outside of family. But if just food, they could make large batches on weekends and freeze the food in portions. Both of them work hard with what they do, both deserves time for themselves to stress out? Is that the word?
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If people actually read her come back then he is NOT in a physically demanding job. He is a sweaty person. I don't know if he ever takes time with the children. It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he could pick up some takeaways once a week, or help with tea. 25 minutes on the toilet, he either has serious health issues that mean he's having to take his time on the loo, or more likely he's reading a magazine or on his phone and avoiding her. And yes it doesn't take 25 to 30 minutes to have a good shower. Maybe if he were actually working in a filthy job, but not if he is 'sweaty' only. He may need to look at the fabric of his uniform if it causes him to be sweaty all day.
She changed a lot of what she said in her 2nd answer. First it was preparing, cooking dinner, eating, cleaning, bathing and putting children to bed. 2 hrs. Then when she got some blow back it was 1/2 hr was needed? Right, she's going to prepare, cook dinner, clean up. He needs a shower. I had 2 kids 15 months apart. Not that difficult. My husband worked an exhausting job in construction. If he wanted to shower I wouldn't blame him! Her husband can shorten his time in the bathroom 25 minutes on the toilet? He also can get his butt out there and play with those kids, also help bath them and do jammy stuff too. We did. I did the housework the Children were our joy to spend time with! For me it was until 8pm then Mommy brain was done.😊
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Let him cook his own dinner when he gets out! Stop tryna cook the little kids dinner that late. Make it mid morning when they nap so its ready for lunch/dinner. Or there are easier meal options. Toddlers wont care. Sounds like after dinner he plays video games and doesnt help at kids bedtimes either. F that!
No. He is on a 13 hour day working construction. She is at home with 2 kids. She can’t feed them earlier? She can’t put them in a playpen while she prepares the evening meal or do it while they nap? She wants whatever may be clinging to his clothes after a day at work to be all over their furniture? Just because he doesn’t work directly with things like fibreglass etc. does not mean he isn’t in contact with them on a construction site. She needs to manage her time better and get then they can BOTH relax in the evening. I don’t say this lightly. I worked full time when my daughter was a baby and still managed to do all of the other things around my work hours, my childminder only looked after my child and occasionally vacuumed when she napped.
Firstly, how does he spend 25 minutes in the shower? I am done and dusted in 20 minutes and that includes drying my hair. Secondly, sitting for too long on the toilet can lead to bowel problems, like piles. If he is sitting there reading then that is just selfish.
Reading the signs here- that man doesn’t even want to be there.
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This is surely satire, yes? No?? If latter, OP is a complete a-hole! Her partner is working long, hard hours and probably gets extremely dirty every day. I sympathize with him since I run, and also work, in a car repair shop. And it’s impossible to stay clean! The first thing my husband and I do when we come home is to take LONG and hot showers. Do I get pissy if I have to wait for even 45 minutes? No. Yes, she takes care of the kids but he works so they are actually doing 50/50 of what needs to be done.
I'm sorry, you seem really nice, but the man is going to and absolutely should take a shower whenever he wants. You have all day most days to be more prepared for dinner, since that seems to be your responsibility. I work at a restaurant and the first thing I do when I get home is shower. Now imagine being in the hot sun doing essentially mandatory laborious activities under constant supervision, coming home, and being told to not wash the day off. There are a lot of personal sacrifices somebody makes when taking in another person as the sole provider. It does take two, and people who stay home can make life more comfortable, but I feel as if you're being politely unreasonable.
Not to mention washing chemicals off himself that are used in construction that they might not want to expose the kids to. Industrial solvents, cleaners, paints, not to mention grease, hydraulic fluid and what not. All those are toxic, some highly toxic. Definitely something you don't want toddlers exposed to.
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You can always tell the kids who have late bedtimes and late suppers. They're cranky to the point the parent is fed up and looking for someone else to blame for the poor evening meal and bedtime schedules. I agree with some of the people saying the kids could be fed earlier, as they should be. Yeah, her husband doesn't come home caked in dirt, but that sweaty feeling of being in damp clothes is no picnic. There are days I come home and immediately having a shower, then stepping into my cozy jammies for the evening. It seems like this mom really wants her husband to take the kids off her hands and do the bedtime routine. Not sure who is more realistic for their lifestyle and energy, but her husband may just not have the energy 2 hours later to want to shower by then.
It is not true kids with late bedtimes are cranky. We tried to put our son to bed early but he just wont go sleeping and if so he is already awake at 4 and wants to play. We gave up and let him go to bed later. He is still running around and refuses to go to sleep till the last minute, but at the end he falls asleep. She should allow him to shower quickly immediately after work but then he should help with the kids. If he wants to relax in a bathtube he can do it later when kids are asleep. But the wife needs his help asap after he comes from work. They are both the parents. He maybe works for 12 hours but she cannot work for 24/7. After he comes home they should work as a team and then relax together. Also ppl saying she should cook while they nap...well she also needs a lunch break, possibly get stg done around house, make planns, etc. Husband probably has a lunch break too
Load More Replies... It isn't even just about being unfair on his wife, it's also the fact that as a father who was out all day, you'd expect him to make an effort to see as much of his kids as possible, not avoid seeing them. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to shower after work but he should keep it to the time he actually needs to get clean - he can unwind later.
Also he is blocking the bathroom for the whole family for an hour in the evening when kids will also need it
Load More Replies... Put the TV on for the kids and get into the shower with him ;) he'll take less time in there and it'll strengthen your relationship.
Buy a Crockpot or Instapot. Meal prep. Freeze cooked meals for future dinners. Jeesh!
She seems like she will make this his fault no matter what the suggestions. I think it's unfair to expect him to not shower after work. He can probably cut that time down to 40 minutes. That is reasonable to me. Maybe use that time for the kid's TV time and they will be absorbed for an hour.
40 minutes is not a reasonable time for shower - 15-20 mins tops, he is clearly having a chill time there which sort of makes sense after work but she’s also working so they have to compromise , they are both unfair to each other
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Reminds me of the time I asked my GP if spending more than 20 minutes on the toilet was down to male anatomy. A loooong-standing initiator of fights between our parents was his invariable habit of waiting until we were all ready to go somewhere and he would “just pop to the bathroom”, and literally spend 20 minutes or more, while us kids got progressively more antsy because we were bundled up ready to go and bored. He insisted that going #2 “takes time”. He would also hog the single bathroom every morning when there were 3 of us to get ready for school, leaving us to scramble to try to get there on time. According to my Dr. unless he had serious gastrointestinal issues, this was not true. Spent the next few decades wondering on and off why on earth he would do that when it always wound the mother up to screaming pitch. We’ve fairly recently come to the conclusion he is undiagnosed neurodivergent and this behaviour is/was driven by a need to go to the bathroom at home. OBVIOUSLY, the most logical thing to do was wait to the last minute, to ensure no chance of needing to go anywhere else and, clearly, he HAD to wait until he had passed something. So many of his idiosyncrasies, that were annoying as heII at the time, make sense in light of this probability.
This is a problem with the parent, not the children if they can cause that much trouble for a 30 min meal prep.
This is what Baby Bum and Cocomelon are for. That 1/2-1 hr of sanity while you cook dinner.
Load More Replies... Man, I'm grateful for my husband. When our kids were little, he'd come home and immediately jump in and help. He told me he works all day, I work all day and when he gets home is when we team up for the rest. We worked together to get dinner and bedtime routines done. He wanted time with the kids, and we wanted to decompress together. Sometimes we'd each be doing our own thing, but in the same room. But the point is, it was a team effort. This guy doesn't even seem to be involved with the kids. He hides the second he gets home.
Was your husband covered in sweat when he came home? I think that makes a difference. He could be faster but dude needs a shower.
Load More Replies... you're the a*****e. If you did his job you would demand a shower. so shut up and WAIT!
This is why humankind invented play pens. Regardless of husband's shower schedule, put the babies in a playpen with their toys, or put 1yo in a bouncer or walker, and have 3 watch cartoons. They can survive without being attached to you for half an hour while you make dinner. And why doesn't he just make it a quick scrub up and fresh clothes, without spending 50 min in the bathroom? ESH.
Yeah. I've been on both sides of this divide. When I was on the home side the playpen was the savior. Dinner time? Get in jail you little f*cker, I got work to do /jk
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Here is an idea: prep dinner for the next day the night before. Then all you have to do is get it in the oven or put it on a burner to heat or cook so it's not too much time away from the kids. And you both can teach the kids to behave more as "messy eaters". Put mays under their chairs to help with the floor cleaning. He could give you 30 mins to set the food up from prep the night before to at least give them a little time before he clean up. Yeah my hubs takes an hour or more. Toilet. Tablet. Then change. Shower. Clean clothes. Sometimes it's around 45 min to 1 hr to hour an a half before he gets back to me. But I know I'll expect that and I PLAN AROUND IT. You could even prep dinner when the kids are napping or playing in their play pen with an eye on them. Sahm a working dads have their times with the kids too.
They need to compromise. But also, she clearly has a schedule that is too strict with kids you need some flexibility. And I really can’t believe those kids always need exactly same bedtime and they need a bath everyday and can’t ever go to bed 20-30 mins later.
It really is best for kids to stick to a schedule, though they both have things they need to change.
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Agree that husband needs and deserves his shower. But 50 minutes in the bathroom?? That's too long. I agree with Starsong Princess on this. Half an hour should be enough. But if he's not willing to do that, then move up meal time and feed the kids before he gets home. As soon as husband leaves the bathroom, whisk the kids into the bath, get them ready for bed. Ignore hubby. When he asks for dinner, say he has to wait, the kids need their time in the bathroom and they've been waiting on him to finish. By the time you're finished with the kids and go make his dinner (or reheat it), it will almost be his bedtime. And then maybe he will realize how his actions affect everyone else, and be willing to compromise.
I dont think anyone is TA but the husband should take a 10 minute shower and maybe after dinner use the bathroom to either do his bussiness although taking 25 minutes to use the toilet means that he is either constipated or he is using that time to watch tik tok videos, surf the web or whatever.
My Dad would have taken his shower no questions asked. She is trying to manipulate the entire situation.
Woman sounds like manipulative trash. What a mistake having children with that.
Avoidant behavior. As soon as we were finished with dinner my dad would disappear into the bathroom so he didn't have to help clean up. My husband doesn't do it after dinner, but he also spends too much time in the bathroom, scrolling through Reddit on his phone, calls it "me time".
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While cleaning up after breakfast, I would make part of dinner, i.e., salad, veggies side dish or a starch I could reheat in the microwave. Took 15 minutes tops. Then only needed to make the protein, steak, chicken, fish at dinner time. Chicken could stay warm in the oven no matter how you make it. Sometimes when kids napped I could make 20 meatballs, enough for two dinners. You’re making it hard on yourself and your husband.
Let the man have his hour and she can adjust the way she does things. I cannot believe that in those 13 SAH hours, she find the time to meal prep or even fully prepare dinner that can just be warmed up later. Put the kids in front of a TV with cartoons on. Do they not take at least one nap during the day? If I was in sweaty clothes for 12 hours I would not want to wait, and I certainly would not want to touch anything, including the kids like that.
YBTA neither of you understand that you both are working. He’s covered in sweat and whatnot, I assume you also get sweaty and covered in whatever your kids get on you. When do you get to take a shower? Im sure he doesn’t consider that. I would feed your kids before he gets home. There are plenty of fast(healthy) things they make for babies and kids now days.
Be grateful that hubs wants to be clean and presentable. Many ER nurses I've worked with also go home and walked directly into the shower and scrub the dirt, germs, blood, vomit, etc. off themselves while their scrubs are in the washer. I think OP needs better meal planning; maybe she can get someone to babysit a couple of hours a week so she can do meal prep or make a larger amount of something (spaghetti sauce, beef stew, lasagna, etc.) that can be reheated for other meals. Give the kids a healthy snack while dad's getting cleaned up so they can be under control.
I could hazard a guess as to why he’s spending so long in the shower but she’s not going to like it
As someone whose job gets them gross (food; I get sweaty and greasy and covered in raw chicken juice) 25 minutes to shower is not unreasonable at all. The 25 minutes of toilet time is a bigger issue. It shouldn't take that long. But the biggest issue is that this is a toxic situation all around. Both of them need to take each other's needs into consideration better.
How on earth are you feeding these kids at breakfast and lunch? If you can't cook and/or clean without someone watching them, that seems problematic and one by now should have been solved. He definitely needs to cut that time in the bathroom. I get he needs some time to clean up and rest, but he also has two kids. That's life. Expecting him to hang around dirty because you haven't figured out a way to keep your kids occupied doesn't work. Nor does disappearing for an hour to clean up. Some semblance of balance must exist, but he does need to be allowed the time to clean.
To not be able to cook and watch 2 todlers at the same time is totally reasonable. I only have one but the kid cannot be unsupervised with just tv or he would hurt himself ( constantly runs around climbs on sofa or table looks for things he could chew on etc) and he cannot be with me in the kitchen or he would cling to my legs and want to be held. I cannot imagine to have 2 of them like this. we do it this way: one of us cooks, the other plays with him. The food is prepared in the evening for the next 2-3days ( lunch). Other meals are quick and do not require cooking. So i say NTA and hubby should stop hiding in the bathroom. 10mins shower, 10mins max on the toilet then go help your wife for at least a few mins. You can relax when she is done cooking ( take a longer bath or whatever)
Load More Replies... Unreasonable woman. He's been up since 5am and spends 13 hours at work collecting germs, dust, grime. Personally, I would want him clean around the children and home, on top of care for his hygiene and comfort. She's at home all day. She could feed the kids early, prepare dinner early and warm it for 5mins at the stove when he arrives. Sounds selfish controlling to me. Showering is pleasurable and relaxing and can be a mental reset especially since he's been out on his feet half the day. I would let my man relax and have dinner ready when he gets out. She has the whole day at home.
Someone suggested she just wait for him before making dinner. He comes home at 6:30, takes almost an hour in the shower, which brings us to 7:20. If she makes dinner then, the kids have maybe 10 minutes to eat and then straight to bed. You shouldn't eat right before bed. And also, that's way too late for little kids to have dinner. They have tiny stomachs and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. Also, 50 minutes is way too long to get cleaned up when he has two small children. Also, he and she are both working the same number of hours during the day. Why does she have to keep working when he gets home, but he doesn't?
I seriously would NOT want to come home to that every day. She’s emasculating him and disrespecting him.
Something doesn't add up. If, and it's a big IF, the husband sits on the toilet for 25min, he needs to see a doctor, this isn't normal and would likely have hemorrhoids like no other. Likely the wife may be exaggerating a bit time in the bathroom. Also, a 25min shower is a long shower, long enough to drain even a robust hot water heater. Something doesn't sound right with these timelines.
Compromise on time. My construction worker husband was so dirty when he got home sometimes he'd undress in the garage and march up to the shower in tighty whities. He also refused to use portapoties so i can see the extra time. That being said, maybe quick shower, help SAHM, then power BR after. And fiber. My legs would fall asleep with rhat amount of throne time.
The YTA people confuse me. The issue isn't that he needs a shower and to use the bathroom when he gets home, the issue is that he's taking 25 minutes to shower and 25 minutes to use the toilet. A shower shouldn't take more than 10 or 15 minutes, and if it's taking you 25 minutes to empty your bladder and bowels, then you need to see a doctor.
He is hiding there obviously. Should cut it to 15mins max alltogether then help sahm then decompress
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It is unclear if OP even understands why he takes 25min showers (a quick shower could solve the a "sweaty mess" issue, he might feel the need for longer if he's dealing with aches/pains or using it as relaxation time). But 25min on the toilet indicates either he's an issue with his diet, which he might need to see a doctor about, or he's using it as reading time. Either way, 50 minutes in the bathroom when he gets home knowing two toddlers are left waiting for an evening meal is unreasonable. At the same time, whilst eating a meal as a family would be nice, it is not always practical - they could eat earlier than mom & dad. If she can't cook with them around, and can't distract them herself of an evening, meal prepping (which could be done when he's home to help), setting something in a slow-cooker earlier in the day, and/or reassessing what can be made without too much effort seems like obvious solutions so the kids can eat at a more reasonable time.
Sounds like he can take a 10 min rinse (OP says he's not covered in grime, he's just sweaty) and malice get his bowels checked so he can take faster poops bc yikes. Spasms like he's straight up hiding from them. Also, she should invest in a kitchen helper stool and put toys or playdo on the counter for the kids. Kitchen helpers are *the cure* for whiny kids at your legs as you good. Or ask a neighbor preteen to watch them for an hour as you cook and pay them $5.
OP doesn’t know s**t about construction and apparently neither do you. He WILL be covered in grime, and he is NOT “just sweaty”.
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No one should be taking 25 min to poop and 25 min to shower. Do your business as expediently as possible and help with your children so you all can eat.
The average US shower is 10 mins, this guy is taking nearly an hour. If he’s on the toilet for 25 minutes, he needs to eat more fibre and/or see a doctor. But really, he’s not doing this to get clean, he’s doing it for some quiet time to himself so his wife will handle all the kid chaos. I think that she should disappear into the bathroom for an hour after he finally joins them and see how he likes dealing with everything. Really he just needs to cut his bathroom time in half and start pulling his weight.
She has the whole day. She can put the kids in a playpen and make the meals to be heated quickly when he arrives. Or feed the kids earlier, letting them both have peace to enjoy dinner. 13 hours work in construction, this man needs to relax, decompress and mentally reset. This is a much needed break. He will be a happier, more present person when he's done. He has plenty of time with the kids when he's finished and fresh. I personally wouldn't want him bringing germs, dust and grime around the children and home. My sister works an incredibly demanding job. Our family allow her the luxury of her 1 hr baths because it's a much needed calm and reset when she returns home.
Load More Replies... If the kids are 1 and 3 they should be eating sooner than 7:30 at night. Since dad works so late, mom could feed the kids earlier and dad could take a quicker shower when he gets home. They could finesse the times and what each of them does every night to find what works best for all of them.They need to work together to accomplish that.
Seems like she is specifically waiting for him to get home so he can't have that time to himself.
Load More Replies... There are things they can both do better. Demanding that he not shower after working a physically demanding job for 12 hours is unreasonable. And taking ~60 minutes total in the bathroom is also unreasonable. Perhaps a good compromise could be that hubby takes 20 minutes in the bathroom and then they both work together to prepare dinner. That way, they're still on schedule to put the kids down on time.
As always with these types of AITA threads- it is ok for both parents to have needs. There are only losers and no winners here. It's ok to have needs. Compromise is the solution - mum needs help, dad needs a shower and some decompression time. So dad showers in 10 min. Or mum feeds kids and gets the ready for bed before 1830 when dad gets home, so he just does cuddles and stories. Or dad brings take out home once a week so no one cooks. Or the kids get 45 min of tv while dad "showers" (aka reads bored panda while hiding in the bathroom) and mum cooks... People need to be free to state their needs without attacking the other parent. Raising kids is a team sport, not a competition.
Why isn’t this every response in this comment section? Compromise for the win - team up to fix the problem.
Load More Replies... The couple are engaged in a battle without even realising they're at war. She wants him to do more, or at least some, of the hands-on parenting; he wants to chill out when he gets home and not have to put up with the kids. Not sure who's more at fault, but it seems that the poster is unaware of the real underlying issues here.
Cooking dinner during the day, reheat it at dinner time. Bam. You have no schedule problems. And yet... another story where she's frustrated by her own choice and he's clearly avoidant. Maybe the problem is deeper than dinner after all.
The dinner is probably the manifestation of the problem? Did not read whole,was mom home by here own choice/will? Else find a jobb if possible and have daycare? It's important for the kids to socialise outside of family. But if just food, they could make large batches on weekends and freeze the food in portions. Both of them work hard with what they do, both deserves time for themselves to stress out? Is that the word?
Load More Replies... If people actually read her come back then he is NOT in a physically demanding job. He is a sweaty person. I don't know if he ever takes time with the children. It doesn't sound like it. Maybe he could pick up some takeaways once a week, or help with tea. 25 minutes on the toilet, he either has serious health issues that mean he's having to take his time on the loo, or more likely he's reading a magazine or on his phone and avoiding her. And yes it doesn't take 25 to 30 minutes to have a good shower. Maybe if he were actually working in a filthy job, but not if he is 'sweaty' only. He may need to look at the fabric of his uniform if it causes him to be sweaty all day.
She changed a lot of what she said in her 2nd answer. First it was preparing, cooking dinner, eating, cleaning, bathing and putting children to bed. 2 hrs. Then when she got some blow back it was 1/2 hr was needed? Right, she's going to prepare, cook dinner, clean up. He needs a shower. I had 2 kids 15 months apart. Not that difficult. My husband worked an exhausting job in construction. If he wanted to shower I wouldn't blame him! Her husband can shorten his time in the bathroom 25 minutes on the toilet? He also can get his butt out there and play with those kids, also help bath them and do jammy stuff too. We did. I did the housework the Children were our joy to spend time with! For me it was until 8pm then Mommy brain was done.😊
Load More Replies... Let him cook his own dinner when he gets out! Stop tryna cook the little kids dinner that late. Make it mid morning when they nap so its ready for lunch/dinner. Or there are easier meal options. Toddlers wont care. Sounds like after dinner he plays video games and doesnt help at kids bedtimes either. F that!
No. He is on a 13 hour day working construction. She is at home with 2 kids. She can’t feed them earlier? She can’t put them in a playpen while she prepares the evening meal or do it while they nap? She wants whatever may be clinging to his clothes after a day at work to be all over their furniture? Just because he doesn’t work directly with things like fibreglass etc. does not mean he isn’t in contact with them on a construction site. She needs to manage her time better and get then they can BOTH relax in the evening. I don’t say this lightly. I worked full time when my daughter was a baby and still managed to do all of the other things around my work hours, my childminder only looked after my child and occasionally vacuumed when she napped.
Firstly, how does he spend 25 minutes in the shower? I am done and dusted in 20 minutes and that includes drying my hair. Secondly, sitting for too long on the toilet can lead to bowel problems, like piles. If he is sitting there reading then that is just selfish.
Reading the signs here- that man doesn’t even want to be there.
Load More Replies... This is surely satire, yes? No?? If latter, OP is a complete a-hole! Her partner is working long, hard hours and probably gets extremely dirty every day. I sympathize with him since I run, and also work, in a car repair shop. And it’s impossible to stay clean! The first thing my husband and I do when we come home is to take LONG and hot showers. Do I get pissy if I have to wait for even 45 minutes? No. Yes, she takes care of the kids but he works so they are actually doing 50/50 of what needs to be done.
I'm sorry, you seem really nice, but the man is going to and absolutely should take a shower whenever he wants. You have all day most days to be more prepared for dinner, since that seems to be your responsibility. I work at a restaurant and the first thing I do when I get home is shower. Now imagine being in the hot sun doing essentially mandatory laborious activities under constant supervision, coming home, and being told to not wash the day off. There are a lot of personal sacrifices somebody makes when taking in another person as the sole provider. It does take two, and people who stay home can make life more comfortable, but I feel as if you're being politely unreasonable.
Not to mention washing chemicals off himself that are used in construction that they might not want to expose the kids to. Industrial solvents, cleaners, paints, not to mention grease, hydraulic fluid and what not. All those are toxic, some highly toxic. Definitely something you don't want toddlers exposed to.
Load More Replies... You can always tell the kids who have late bedtimes and late suppers. They're cranky to the point the parent is fed up and looking for someone else to blame for the poor evening meal and bedtime schedules. I agree with some of the people saying the kids could be fed earlier, as they should be. Yeah, her husband doesn't come home caked in dirt, but that sweaty feeling of being in damp clothes is no picnic. There are days I come home and immediately having a shower, then stepping into my cozy jammies for the evening. It seems like this mom really wants her husband to take the kids off her hands and do the bedtime routine. Not sure who is more realistic for their lifestyle and energy, but her husband may just not have the energy 2 hours later to want to shower by then.
It is not true kids with late bedtimes are cranky. We tried to put our son to bed early but he just wont go sleeping and if so he is already awake at 4 and wants to play. We gave up and let him go to bed later. He is still running around and refuses to go to sleep till the last minute, but at the end he falls asleep. She should allow him to shower quickly immediately after work but then he should help with the kids. If he wants to relax in a bathtube he can do it later when kids are asleep. But the wife needs his help asap after he comes from work. They are both the parents. He maybe works for 12 hours but she cannot work for 24/7. After he comes home they should work as a team and then relax together. Also ppl saying she should cook while they nap...well she also needs a lunch break, possibly get stg done around house, make planns, etc. Husband probably has a lunch break too
Load More Replies... It isn't even just about being unfair on his wife, it's also the fact that as a father who was out all day, you'd expect him to make an effort to see as much of his kids as possible, not avoid seeing them. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to shower after work but he should keep it to the time he actually needs to get clean - he can unwind later.
Also he is blocking the bathroom for the whole family for an hour in the evening when kids will also need it
Load More Replies... Put the TV on for the kids and get into the shower with him ;) he'll take less time in there and it'll strengthen your relationship.
Buy a Crockpot or Instapot. Meal prep. Freeze cooked meals for future dinners. Jeesh!
She seems like she will make this his fault no matter what the suggestions. I think it's unfair to expect him to not shower after work. He can probably cut that time down to 40 minutes. That is reasonable to me. Maybe use that time for the kid's TV time and they will be absorbed for an hour.
40 minutes is not a reasonable time for shower - 15-20 mins tops, he is clearly having a chill time there which sort of makes sense after work but she’s also working so they have to compromise , they are both unfair to each other
Load More Replies... Reminds me of the time I asked my GP if spending more than 20 minutes on the toilet was down to male anatomy. A loooong-standing initiator of fights between our parents was his invariable habit of waiting until we were all ready to go somewhere and he would “just pop to the bathroom”, and literally spend 20 minutes or more, while us kids got progressively more antsy because we were bundled up ready to go and bored. He insisted that going #2 “takes time”. He would also hog the single bathroom every morning when there were 3 of us to get ready for school, leaving us to scramble to try to get there on time. According to my Dr. unless he had serious gastrointestinal issues, this was not true. Spent the next few decades wondering on and off why on earth he would do that when it always wound the mother up to screaming pitch. We’ve fairly recently come to the conclusion he is undiagnosed neurodivergent and this behaviour is/was driven by a need to go to the bathroom at home. OBVIOUSLY, the most logical thing to do was wait to the last minute, to ensure no chance of needing to go anywhere else and, clearly, he HAD to wait until he had passed something. So many of his idiosyncrasies, that were annoying as heII at the time, make sense in light of this probability.
This is a problem with the parent, not the children if they can cause that much trouble for a 30 min meal prep.
This is what Baby Bum and Cocomelon are for. That 1/2-1 hr of sanity while you cook dinner.
Load More Replies... Man, I'm grateful for my husband. When our kids were little, he'd come home and immediately jump in and help. He told me he works all day, I work all day and when he gets home is when we team up for the rest. We worked together to get dinner and bedtime routines done. He wanted time with the kids, and we wanted to decompress together. Sometimes we'd each be doing our own thing, but in the same room. But the point is, it was a team effort. This guy doesn't even seem to be involved with the kids. He hides the second he gets home.
Was your husband covered in sweat when he came home? I think that makes a difference. He could be faster but dude needs a shower.
Load More Replies... you're the a*****e. If you did his job you would demand a shower. so shut up and WAIT!
This is why humankind invented play pens. Regardless of husband's shower schedule, put the babies in a playpen with their toys, or put 1yo in a bouncer or walker, and have 3 watch cartoons. They can survive without being attached to you for half an hour while you make dinner. And why doesn't he just make it a quick scrub up and fresh clothes, without spending 50 min in the bathroom? ESH.
Yeah. I've been on both sides of this divide. When I was on the home side the playpen was the savior. Dinner time? Get in jail you little f*cker, I got work to do /jk
Load More Replies... Here is an idea: prep dinner for the next day the night before. Then all you have to do is get it in the oven or put it on a burner to heat or cook so it's not too much time away from the kids. And you both can teach the kids to behave more as "messy eaters". Put mays under their chairs to help with the floor cleaning. He could give you 30 mins to set the food up from prep the night before to at least give them a little time before he clean up. Yeah my hubs takes an hour or more. Toilet. Tablet. Then change. Shower. Clean clothes. Sometimes it's around 45 min to 1 hr to hour an a half before he gets back to me. But I know I'll expect that and I PLAN AROUND IT. You could even prep dinner when the kids are napping or playing in their play pen with an eye on them. Sahm a working dads have their times with the kids too.
They need to compromise. But also, she clearly has a schedule that is too strict with kids you need some flexibility. And I really can’t believe those kids always need exactly same bedtime and they need a bath everyday and can’t ever go to bed 20-30 mins later.
It really is best for kids to stick to a schedule, though they both have things they need to change.
Load More Replies... Agree that husband needs and deserves his shower. But 50 minutes in the bathroom?? That's too long. I agree with Starsong Princess on this. Half an hour should be enough. But if he's not willing to do that, then move up meal time and feed the kids before he gets home. As soon as husband leaves the bathroom, whisk the kids into the bath, get them ready for bed. Ignore hubby. When he asks for dinner, say he has to wait, the kids need their time in the bathroom and they've been waiting on him to finish. By the time you're finished with the kids and go make his dinner (or reheat it), it will almost be his bedtime. And then maybe he will realize how his actions affect everyone else, and be willing to compromise.
I dont think anyone is TA but the husband should take a 10 minute shower and maybe after dinner use the bathroom to either do his bussiness although taking 25 minutes to use the toilet means that he is either constipated or he is using that time to watch tik tok videos, surf the web or whatever.
My Dad would have taken his shower no questions asked. She is trying to manipulate the entire situation.
Woman sounds like manipulative trash. What a mistake having children with that.
Avoidant behavior. As soon as we were finished with dinner my dad would disappear into the bathroom so he didn't have to help clean up. My husband doesn't do it after dinner, but he also spends too much time in the bathroom, scrolling through Reddit on his phone, calls it "me time".
Load More Replies... While cleaning up after breakfast, I would make part of dinner, i.e., salad, veggies side dish or a starch I could reheat in the microwave. Took 15 minutes tops. Then only needed to make the protein, steak, chicken, fish at dinner time. Chicken could stay warm in the oven no matter how you make it. Sometimes when kids napped I could make 20 meatballs, enough for two dinners. You’re making it hard on yourself and your husband.
Let the man have his hour and she can adjust the way she does things. I cannot believe that in those 13 SAH hours, she find the time to meal prep or even fully prepare dinner that can just be warmed up later. Put the kids in front of a TV with cartoons on. Do they not take at least one nap during the day? If I was in sweaty clothes for 12 hours I would not want to wait, and I certainly would not want to touch anything, including the kids like that.
YBTA neither of you understand that you both are working. He’s covered in sweat and whatnot, I assume you also get sweaty and covered in whatever your kids get on you. When do you get to take a shower? Im sure he doesn’t consider that. I would feed your kids before he gets home. There are plenty of fast(healthy) things they make for babies and kids now days.
Be grateful that hubs wants to be clean and presentable. Many ER nurses I've worked with also go home and walked directly into the shower and scrub the dirt, germs, blood, vomit, etc. off themselves while their scrubs are in the washer. I think OP needs better meal planning; maybe she can get someone to babysit a couple of hours a week so she can do meal prep or make a larger amount of something (spaghetti sauce, beef stew, lasagna, etc.) that can be reheated for other meals. Give the kids a healthy snack while dad's getting cleaned up so they can be under control.
I could hazard a guess as to why he’s spending so long in the shower but she’s not going to like it
As someone whose job gets them gross (food; I get sweaty and greasy and covered in raw chicken juice) 25 minutes to shower is not unreasonable at all. The 25 minutes of toilet time is a bigger issue. It shouldn't take that long. But the biggest issue is that this is a toxic situation all around. Both of them need to take each other's needs into consideration better.
How on earth are you feeding these kids at breakfast and lunch? If you can't cook and/or clean without someone watching them, that seems problematic and one by now should have been solved. He definitely needs to cut that time in the bathroom. I get he needs some time to clean up and rest, but he also has two kids. That's life. Expecting him to hang around dirty because you haven't figured out a way to keep your kids occupied doesn't work. Nor does disappearing for an hour to clean up. Some semblance of balance must exist, but he does need to be allowed the time to clean.
To not be able to cook and watch 2 todlers at the same time is totally reasonable. I only have one but the kid cannot be unsupervised with just tv or he would hurt himself ( constantly runs around climbs on sofa or table looks for things he could chew on etc) and he cannot be with me in the kitchen or he would cling to my legs and want to be held. I cannot imagine to have 2 of them like this. we do it this way: one of us cooks, the other plays with him. The food is prepared in the evening for the next 2-3days ( lunch). Other meals are quick and do not require cooking. So i say NTA and hubby should stop hiding in the bathroom. 10mins shower, 10mins max on the toilet then go help your wife for at least a few mins. You can relax when she is done cooking ( take a longer bath or whatever)
Load More Replies... Unreasonable woman. He's been up since 5am and spends 13 hours at work collecting germs, dust, grime. Personally, I would want him clean around the children and home, on top of care for his hygiene and comfort. She's at home all day. She could feed the kids early, prepare dinner early and warm it for 5mins at the stove when he arrives. Sounds selfish controlling to me. Showering is pleasurable and relaxing and can be a mental reset especially since he's been out on his feet half the day. I would let my man relax and have dinner ready when he gets out. She has the whole day at home.
Someone suggested she just wait for him before making dinner. He comes home at 6:30, takes almost an hour in the shower, which brings us to 7:20. If she makes dinner then, the kids have maybe 10 minutes to eat and then straight to bed. You shouldn't eat right before bed. And also, that's way too late for little kids to have dinner. They have tiny stomachs and fast metabolisms. They need to eat more frequently. Also, 50 minutes is way too long to get cleaned up when he has two small children. Also, he and she are both working the same number of hours during the day. Why does she have to keep working when he gets home, but he doesn't?
I seriously would NOT want to come home to that every day. She’s emasculating him and disrespecting him.
Something doesn't add up. If, and it's a big IF, the husband sits on the toilet for 25min, he needs to see a doctor, this isn't normal and would likely have hemorrhoids like no other. Likely the wife may be exaggerating a bit time in the bathroom. Also, a 25min shower is a long shower, long enough to drain even a robust hot water heater. Something doesn't sound right with these timelines.
Compromise on time. My construction worker husband was so dirty when he got home sometimes he'd undress in the garage and march up to the shower in tighty whities. He also refused to use portapoties so i can see the extra time. That being said, maybe quick shower, help SAHM, then power BR after. And fiber. My legs would fall asleep with rhat amount of throne time.
The YTA people confuse me. The issue isn't that he needs a shower and to use the bathroom when he gets home, the issue is that he's taking 25 minutes to shower and 25 minutes to use the toilet. A shower shouldn't take more than 10 or 15 minutes, and if it's taking you 25 minutes to empty your bladder and bowels, then you need to see a doctor.
He is hiding there obviously. Should cut it to 15mins max alltogether then help sahm then decompress
Load More Replies... It is unclear if OP even understands why he takes 25min showers (a quick shower could solve the a "sweaty mess" issue, he might feel the need for longer if he's dealing with aches/pains or using it as relaxation time). But 25min on the toilet indicates either he's an issue with his diet, which he might need to see a doctor about, or he's using it as reading time. Either way, 50 minutes in the bathroom when he gets home knowing two toddlers are left waiting for an evening meal is unreasonable. At the same time, whilst eating a meal as a family would be nice, it is not always practical - they could eat earlier than mom & dad. If she can't cook with them around, and can't distract them herself of an evening, meal prepping (which could be done when he's home to help), setting something in a slow-cooker earlier in the day, and/or reassessing what can be made without too much effort seems like obvious solutions so the kids can eat at a more reasonable time.
Sounds like he can take a 10 min rinse (OP says he's not covered in grime, he's just sweaty) and malice get his bowels checked so he can take faster poops bc yikes. Spasms like he's straight up hiding from them. Also, she should invest in a kitchen helper stool and put toys or playdo on the counter for the kids. Kitchen helpers are *the cure* for whiny kids at your legs as you good. Or ask a neighbor preteen to watch them for an hour as you cook and pay them $5.
OP doesn’t know s**t about construction and apparently neither do you. He WILL be covered in grime, and he is NOT “just sweaty”.
Load More Replies... No one should be taking 25 min to poop and 25 min to shower. Do your business as expediently as possible and help with your children so you all can eat.
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