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“I Called My Wife Ungrateful, Cancelled Our Date And Left Her In The Car To Cry”
According to the famous New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, people have different ways of expressing and receiving love, and recognizing these in your relationship can really strengthen it. But if a couple fails to do so, things can get pretty confusing and frustrating.
In a recent post on the subreddit r/relationship_advice, a guy shared how his wife felt hurt because he ordered flowers through an app instead of picking them out himself. This seemingly small issue quickly turned into a big fight, precisely because it highlighted how differently they express their feelings.
RELATED:
Everyone shows love differently, so it really helps when couples get what matters to each other
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
But this man and his wife were not on the same page
Image credits: Vladimir Kubantsev / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Stephanie Berbec / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwra-flowersw
Acts of service aren’t the most popular love language
Image credits: Anton Chernyavskiy / unsplash (not the actual photo)
In 2022, a YouGov survey found that many Americans are unfamiliar with the concept of the five love languages: only 30% said they’d heard of them. However, there was some variance among the participating groups: half of the women under age 45 were familiar with the languages, while women 45 and over, as well as men, were less likely to know what they were.
The researchers showed the respondents a description of the five love languages and asked them to rank the languages from the most preferred to the least. The love language chosen by most people was quality time: 38% rank this as their top love language. Women — those under 45 (41%) and those 45 and over (44%) — were especially likely to say quality time is their favorite way to receive love. It was followed by physical touch (24%) and words of affirmation (19%). Acts of service came in fourth (13%), beating only gift giving (7%).
But experts would like to see couples move beyond these concepts
Image credits: Anna Kovtun / unsplash (not the actual photo)
However, licensed clinical psychologist Shannon Sauer-Zavala, Ph.D., pointed out that Chapman’s popular framework has its critics, mostly because of:
- Lack of scientific backing: studies attempting to validate love languages have produced inconsistent results. There is no definitive evidence that matching love languages improves relationship satisfaction;
- Oversimplification of relationships: people’s emotional needs are complex and cannot be neatly divided into five categories;
- Misplaced focus: the notion that partners must “speak” each other’s love languages shifts the responsibility to the method of expression rather than the quality of emotional connection.
“While love languages aren’t backed by strong scientific evidence, they aren’t entirely useless. If anything, they offer a way to start conversations about how we give and receive love, which can be valuable,” said Sauer-Zavala, an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Kentucky (UK).
However, she would like people to move beyond this concept and said that what makes relationships thrive or fall apart are responsiveness, trust, and communication, which work in tandem and continuously.
Rather than relying on them as a relationship “fix,” consider asking yourself:
- Are there certain ways I naturally show affection that my partner may not recognize as meaningful?
- Are there ways my partner expresses care that I may be overlooking?
- Am I being emotionally responsive beyond just love language preferences?
Instead of focusing on “speaking the right love language,” Sauer-Zavala suggested shifting your attention to how well you and your partner respond to each other’s emotional needs in general—that’s what truly makes the difference.
People have been sharing tons of reactions and advice
The man eventually gave an update on the conflict with his wife
Image credits: abolfazl babaei / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Valeriia Miller / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwra-flowersw
People still dragged him for the way it ended
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What do you think ?
Lyoness 9 months ago
My partner and I have been together almost 30 years and they STILL don't understand my idea of romance. I want all the things OP does...flowers, opening the car door on date night, telling me how they feel in flowery words yadda yadda. But it's not in them. Instead they do other things ... Let me sleep in on the weekends and take care of the kids. Make dinner when it's my turn but I'm too tired to cook. Sharing an article they thought I'd find interesting. Giving me an extra hug when I'm sad. None of them are romantic gestures in and of themselves but they all say they love me. It's all about interpretation.
Libstak 9 months ago (edited)
Soʻ his update is 3/4 about how she apologised and was wrong in so many specific ways and 1 paragraph about his wrong doing in a very generalised way. See what he did here? Dude has learned nothing.
Ms.GB 9 months ago
"Well she apologized to me so I must be in the right..see guys!" No, your wife apologized to you because she cares about you enough to lower her standards and lend you the benefit of the doubt when you certainly wouldn't do the same but instead want her to take all the blame and feel guilty for feeling unvalued and disappointed. You're a selfish, lazy spouse and you don't deserve the kindness and grace your wife is affording you.
Load More Replies...
Sarah Jan Kelly 9 months ago
As a woman it would never occur to me that ordering flowers from an app would be worse than buying them in person from the florist. I would do it if it was really important to my spouse but… I don’t think OP sounds that great but the only way this makes sense is if the flowers are just the straw that broke the camel’s back and he’s always thoughtless and never puts in effort. I was frankly really surprised that everyone seemed to agree he was 100% in the wrong!
R Dennis 9 months ago
Frfr! I am disabled (now) and can't go anywhere on my own and even with assistance, it's a production I generally avoid. I buy my wife a lot of things online... would that mean I don't love her? It's okay because I'm disabled? Whatever happen to "It's the thought that counts"?
Load More Replies...
Joanie Gruber 9 months ago
I actually don't fault this man and find it amazing that so many express how HE needs to be more concerned about how SHE feels, but said little about HER trying to accommodate and care about HIM. As both a woman (married almost 40 years now) and a clinical social worker for 4 decades (married to another one) i would like to say that HE has the right to his feelings also! Why are hers more valid than his? I am glad she recognized that her expectations might have been unfair. When counseling couples I often used the analogy of one speaks German and the other French. Neither is better, just different. The trick is BOTH need to become bilingual. Stop blaming him when she is equally responsible to bend ro HIS needs as he is to her!
Paul C 9 months ago
Thank you for writing this. It is what I thought when reading it, but couldn't find the right words. Both of them are entitled to their needs and wants, but the biggest problem I saw was lack of clear communication about what exactly they are.
Load More Replies...
Agat 9 months ago (edited)
Everyone is so focused on him getting the flowers from the app, but nobody comments on the fact that she had these movie-like expectations of great romance? She basically wants them to re-enact rom-coms. To me, this is beyond ridiculous and I wouldn't accept anyone giving me lists of cringy expectations that I have to meet on our date.
Power puff scientist 9 months ago
she wants flowers, gifts and gestures. he tries to do what she likes and she gets angry because the beautiful flowers were not bought with more effort? i don't get that, if someone gets me a book i like i don't demand the got it from my favorite bookstore or if they buy me a gift i don't care if they got a discount. why make a big fuss about it?
Natalia 9 months ago
It's not about the flowers it's about his total lack of effort
Load More Replies...
Tonyah Mcanelly 9 months ago
My husband will randomly buy me the cheapest flowers from Walmart or some silk flowers from the dollar store . he will buy them at random times. I love he does this because he is not the mushy type . Its the little gifts that come at un expected times. Weather you order from an app or buy the cheap stuff. The wife in my opinion should appreciate the fact he thinks of her enough to order them.
Sparkle 9 months ago
As a female I can see why it's hard for him to understand her love language. We expect to be treated like equals but then she's asking in some respects to be treated like women more in the 1950s open the door for you. I can see where and why it's confusing/hard. I'd love for a guy to pull out my chair however in today's society men are not taught to open car doors for women pull out chairs.
Shelley Colleen 9 months ago
Wifey sounds like that type of insecure woman who makes herself feel powerful by unfairly manipulating her male partner.
Robert Benson 9 months ago
This may not be the case for this guy, but if autism were involved it would explain a lot. Depending on how it presents, autism can lead a person to do precisely what is asked without realizing that there might be intentions buried within the request. If it's not the "things" that are important, then you might need to state that explicitly. Some of us are indeed jerks, but some of us simply have brains that are wired differently.
Deborah B 9 months ago
Wooow. She apologised to make peace with him? It sounds like he actually thinks this was a good outcome. SMH. Dude. She told you her love language: Thoughtful romantic gestures. She basicly gave you a step-by-step guide for how to make her feel loved, and you didn't manage to get the important part - being thoughtful. Then you called her ungrateful and stormed off leaving her crying in the car. She slept in the guestroom, and you still didn't apologise first. She hasn't forgiven you, she's appeased you. She's given up on trying to get the romantic gestures she wants. She has GIVEN UP on getting romance out of you, and romance is important to her. Put a reminder in your phone to stop at a florist and pick up flowers. F*****g put some effort in, because if you don't, the two of you are probrably going to be divorced inside two years.
Bookworm 9 months ago
Wow. No apology for his lack of planning or considering why she'd prefer flowers from the florist instead of a delivery app. She had to pet and coddle him by apologizing first to soothe his ego before he was willing to reflect on his behavior. I say this because most of the update was on her words and behavior, not his. I really want to know how the rest of the relationship has been to reach this point.
Power puff scientist 9 months ago
Really curious, what does it matter where he gets the flowers if she likes them?
Load More Replies...
Megalodon Meg 9 months ago
We don't know these people, won't ever get the full picture but asking advice opens you up to a lot more public attention and criticism so here's my opinion nobody asked for. Assuming the first two years weren't just spent making small talk, you should know your partners love languages and if you care about them, unless its dangerous or degrading or impossible, you both make sure you're incorporating that. More alarming, the wife was the one upset and crying and still she apologized first whole he was asking how to hurt her and get back at her like she's a f*****g monster. He only acknowledged maybe he was at fault after getting grilled by strangers and after SHE, the upset party, apologized. This isn't a spur of the moment reaction here, there absolutely is a history of him downplaying her feelings and needs while trying to punish her when he upsets her gaslighting her into think she's at fault here.
LauraDragonWench 9 months ago
I don't like tossing the word "gaslighting" around (it's gotten overused and its original meaning somewhat muddied) but I agree with you. From the way the wife capitulated and downplayed her feelings, it makes me wonder how often OP manipulates her into believing her behavior is somehow monstrous and out-of-line.
Load More Replies...
jasper 9 months ago
I mean, yes, but also no. She needs to understand that her love language is not his love language. Should he make an effort? Of course, but so what if he ordered flowers from an app? Good grief. I really don't get it. I am not the romantic one in my relationship, my husband is. But he understands that I'm likely to forget Valentine's Day (or whatever) until 2 days before. He buys cards for me all the time. I do not. BUT - I make him dinners that he loves. I load the dishwasher (little things mean a lot) all the time. He unloads, because he knows I hate it. I make a point to ask how his day went, even though I know he can't really talk about it (top secret stuff a lot of the time). I hug him when he looks like he needs one. I text him articles I know he will enjoy. It's a balance.
Jake Bertz 5 months ago
Man realizes he forgot something, went through the effort of correcting the mistake, and all the woman can do is criticize him for not being perfect the first time.
Lee Martin 8 months ago
There is no perfect in marriage and to act that way because the flowers were not bought in some special shop is childish and yeah I don't care if anyone agrees with me. Is she an only child? sheesh! They got married but how much did they actually know each other?
A S Mora 9 months ago
Enough with the malarkey about love languages: it's psuedo-psychology made up by some preacher that has no basis in an actual school of thought or theory. He's an impatient man who doesn't like to be bothered and seeks to get even at all costs, and she's a woman trying to feel seen and heard. Hopefully she'll learn this man is a jerk and leave for good.
marianne eliza 9 months ago
Everyone has their feelings. You can't change that. Instead of trying to make her change, why don't YOU change? It would be just as easy and simple for you to change as for her.
Shannon Donnelly 9 months ago
And I don’t see it this way. To me, it sounds like they’re both learning to meet in the middle, which is what couples should do. Neither one should be responsible for changing themselves for the other completely. We are who we are, and if we have to turn into someone we aren’t to satisfy someone else, we’re with the wrong person. This guy shouldn’t be expected to turn into “Mr. Hallmark Movie Romance Guy” to fulfill his wife’s romantic expectations, when he’s just not that guy. But him making some concerted efforts should be enough. She also needs to appreciate the efforts he does make. This is how people grow together.
Load More Replies...
Angie Falzarano 3 weeks ago
Telling your wife you just ordered it off the app told her you forgot. You should never had said that. Its obvious you said out of anger. My ex on our first valentines day as a married couple did nothing. I was mad. It told me I wasnt important enough to him. Yes I did something for him. Then he came back 3 weeks later and said he planned on doing my windows (tinit). Which i know is a lie because he didnt say this till after the windows were tinted. And only because I got mad that he didnt do anything. Was the one and only time he acknowledged valentines day ever and only after I said anything. One of many reasons hes an ex. You need to make your wife feel important not as a secondary thought.
Caro Doughty 4 months ago
This is both issue. She is romanticism the idea of how to show affection and has to be on her way or nothing. He does what she wants as a list of instructions to accomplish. That is the result of push things. Marriage is a negotiation all the time! He got flowers, doesn't matter who he did it! We use an app from a florist, could be worse could be Walmart. The fact the things doesn't happen on the way to expect doesn't mean are less worth it. They need to accept who is the other in the moments they don't think alike, and accept from the other the efforts from other or other way. I think both did awesome at the end, in other hand you people needs to practice relationships and negotiations.
Sarah Léon 7 months ago
My father was an autistic man. Really autistic when it came to romantic gestures. And my mom was... well... a romantic woman. One day, she snapped at him. She wanted romance ! She wanted even a little gesture like, why not, coming back on saturday morning with a simple rose, just because ! My father being who he was, came back the next saturday with a simple rose and my mother was thrilled ! But the next saturday, he came back with another rose, and yet another one the next week... every saturday for 2 months she had her rose... until she snapped it wasn't romantic anymore and he stopped and waited for the next demand to obey... I loved my parents !
Megalodon Meg 9 months ago
Asking for your partner to put in effort isn't being high maintenence.
Load More Replies... Lyoness 9 months ago
My partner and I have been together almost 30 years and they STILL don't understand my idea of romance. I want all the things OP does...flowers, opening the car door on date night, telling me how they feel in flowery words yadda yadda. But it's not in them. Instead they do other things ... Let me sleep in on the weekends and take care of the kids. Make dinner when it's my turn but I'm too tired to cook. Sharing an article they thought I'd find interesting. Giving me an extra hug when I'm sad. None of them are romantic gestures in and of themselves but they all say they love me. It's all about interpretation.
Libstak 9 months ago (edited)
Soʻ his update is 3/4 about how she apologised and was wrong in so many specific ways and 1 paragraph about his wrong doing in a very generalised way. See what he did here? Dude has learned nothing.
Ms.GB 9 months ago
"Well she apologized to me so I must be in the right..see guys!" No, your wife apologized to you because she cares about you enough to lower her standards and lend you the benefit of the doubt when you certainly wouldn't do the same but instead want her to take all the blame and feel guilty for feeling unvalued and disappointed. You're a selfish, lazy spouse and you don't deserve the kindness and grace your wife is affording you.
Load More Replies... Sarah Jan Kelly 9 months ago
As a woman it would never occur to me that ordering flowers from an app would be worse than buying them in person from the florist. I would do it if it was really important to my spouse but… I don’t think OP sounds that great but the only way this makes sense is if the flowers are just the straw that broke the camel’s back and he’s always thoughtless and never puts in effort. I was frankly really surprised that everyone seemed to agree he was 100% in the wrong!
R Dennis 9 months ago
Frfr! I am disabled (now) and can't go anywhere on my own and even with assistance, it's a production I generally avoid. I buy my wife a lot of things online... would that mean I don't love her? It's okay because I'm disabled? Whatever happen to "It's the thought that counts"?
Load More Replies... Joanie Gruber 9 months ago
I actually don't fault this man and find it amazing that so many express how HE needs to be more concerned about how SHE feels, but said little about HER trying to accommodate and care about HIM. As both a woman (married almost 40 years now) and a clinical social worker for 4 decades (married to another one) i would like to say that HE has the right to his feelings also! Why are hers more valid than his? I am glad she recognized that her expectations might have been unfair. When counseling couples I often used the analogy of one speaks German and the other French. Neither is better, just different. The trick is BOTH need to become bilingual. Stop blaming him when she is equally responsible to bend ro HIS needs as he is to her!
Paul C 9 months ago
Thank you for writing this. It is what I thought when reading it, but couldn't find the right words. Both of them are entitled to their needs and wants, but the biggest problem I saw was lack of clear communication about what exactly they are.
Load More Replies... Agat 9 months ago (edited)
Everyone is so focused on him getting the flowers from the app, but nobody comments on the fact that she had these movie-like expectations of great romance? She basically wants them to re-enact rom-coms. To me, this is beyond ridiculous and I wouldn't accept anyone giving me lists of cringy expectations that I have to meet on our date.
Power puff scientist 9 months ago
she wants flowers, gifts and gestures. he tries to do what she likes and she gets angry because the beautiful flowers were not bought with more effort? i don't get that, if someone gets me a book i like i don't demand the got it from my favorite bookstore or if they buy me a gift i don't care if they got a discount. why make a big fuss about it?
Natalia 9 months ago
It's not about the flowers it's about his total lack of effort
Load More Replies... Tonyah Mcanelly 9 months ago
My husband will randomly buy me the cheapest flowers from Walmart or some silk flowers from the dollar store . he will buy them at random times. I love he does this because he is not the mushy type . Its the little gifts that come at un expected times. Weather you order from an app or buy the cheap stuff. The wife in my opinion should appreciate the fact he thinks of her enough to order them.
Sparkle 9 months ago
As a female I can see why it's hard for him to understand her love language. We expect to be treated like equals but then she's asking in some respects to be treated like women more in the 1950s open the door for you. I can see where and why it's confusing/hard. I'd love for a guy to pull out my chair however in today's society men are not taught to open car doors for women pull out chairs.
Shelley Colleen 9 months ago
Wifey sounds like that type of insecure woman who makes herself feel powerful by unfairly manipulating her male partner.
Robert Benson 9 months ago
This may not be the case for this guy, but if autism were involved it would explain a lot. Depending on how it presents, autism can lead a person to do precisely what is asked without realizing that there might be intentions buried within the request. If it's not the "things" that are important, then you might need to state that explicitly. Some of us are indeed jerks, but some of us simply have brains that are wired differently.
Deborah B 9 months ago
Wooow. She apologised to make peace with him? It sounds like he actually thinks this was a good outcome. SMH. Dude. She told you her love language: Thoughtful romantic gestures. She basicly gave you a step-by-step guide for how to make her feel loved, and you didn't manage to get the important part - being thoughtful. Then you called her ungrateful and stormed off leaving her crying in the car. She slept in the guestroom, and you still didn't apologise first. She hasn't forgiven you, she's appeased you. She's given up on trying to get the romantic gestures she wants. She has GIVEN UP on getting romance out of you, and romance is important to her. Put a reminder in your phone to stop at a florist and pick up flowers. F*****g put some effort in, because if you don't, the two of you are probrably going to be divorced inside two years.
Bookworm 9 months ago
Wow. No apology for his lack of planning or considering why she'd prefer flowers from the florist instead of a delivery app. She had to pet and coddle him by apologizing first to soothe his ego before he was willing to reflect on his behavior. I say this because most of the update was on her words and behavior, not his. I really want to know how the rest of the relationship has been to reach this point.
Power puff scientist 9 months ago
Really curious, what does it matter where he gets the flowers if she likes them?
Load More Replies... Megalodon Meg 9 months ago
We don't know these people, won't ever get the full picture but asking advice opens you up to a lot more public attention and criticism so here's my opinion nobody asked for. Assuming the first two years weren't just spent making small talk, you should know your partners love languages and if you care about them, unless its dangerous or degrading or impossible, you both make sure you're incorporating that. More alarming, the wife was the one upset and crying and still she apologized first whole he was asking how to hurt her and get back at her like she's a f*****g monster. He only acknowledged maybe he was at fault after getting grilled by strangers and after SHE, the upset party, apologized. This isn't a spur of the moment reaction here, there absolutely is a history of him downplaying her feelings and needs while trying to punish her when he upsets her gaslighting her into think she's at fault here.
LauraDragonWench 9 months ago
I don't like tossing the word "gaslighting" around (it's gotten overused and its original meaning somewhat muddied) but I agree with you. From the way the wife capitulated and downplayed her feelings, it makes me wonder how often OP manipulates her into believing her behavior is somehow monstrous and out-of-line.
Load More Replies... jasper 9 months ago
I mean, yes, but also no. She needs to understand that her love language is not his love language. Should he make an effort? Of course, but so what if he ordered flowers from an app? Good grief. I really don't get it. I am not the romantic one in my relationship, my husband is. But he understands that I'm likely to forget Valentine's Day (or whatever) until 2 days before. He buys cards for me all the time. I do not. BUT - I make him dinners that he loves. I load the dishwasher (little things mean a lot) all the time. He unloads, because he knows I hate it. I make a point to ask how his day went, even though I know he can't really talk about it (top secret stuff a lot of the time). I hug him when he looks like he needs one. I text him articles I know he will enjoy. It's a balance.
Jake Bertz 5 months ago
Man realizes he forgot something, went through the effort of correcting the mistake, and all the woman can do is criticize him for not being perfect the first time.
Lee Martin 8 months ago
There is no perfect in marriage and to act that way because the flowers were not bought in some special shop is childish and yeah I don't care if anyone agrees with me. Is she an only child? sheesh! They got married but how much did they actually know each other?
A S Mora 9 months ago
Enough with the malarkey about love languages: it's psuedo-psychology made up by some preacher that has no basis in an actual school of thought or theory. He's an impatient man who doesn't like to be bothered and seeks to get even at all costs, and she's a woman trying to feel seen and heard. Hopefully she'll learn this man is a jerk and leave for good.
marianne eliza 9 months ago
Everyone has their feelings. You can't change that. Instead of trying to make her change, why don't YOU change? It would be just as easy and simple for you to change as for her.
Shannon Donnelly 9 months ago
And I don’t see it this way. To me, it sounds like they’re both learning to meet in the middle, which is what couples should do. Neither one should be responsible for changing themselves for the other completely. We are who we are, and if we have to turn into someone we aren’t to satisfy someone else, we’re with the wrong person. This guy shouldn’t be expected to turn into “Mr. Hallmark Movie Romance Guy” to fulfill his wife’s romantic expectations, when he’s just not that guy. But him making some concerted efforts should be enough. She also needs to appreciate the efforts he does make. This is how people grow together.
Load More Replies... Angie Falzarano 3 weeks ago
Telling your wife you just ordered it off the app told her you forgot. You should never had said that. Its obvious you said out of anger. My ex on our first valentines day as a married couple did nothing. I was mad. It told me I wasnt important enough to him. Yes I did something for him. Then he came back 3 weeks later and said he planned on doing my windows (tinit). Which i know is a lie because he didnt say this till after the windows were tinted. And only because I got mad that he didnt do anything. Was the one and only time he acknowledged valentines day ever and only after I said anything. One of many reasons hes an ex. You need to make your wife feel important not as a secondary thought.
Caro Doughty 4 months ago
This is both issue. She is romanticism the idea of how to show affection and has to be on her way or nothing. He does what she wants as a list of instructions to accomplish. That is the result of push things. Marriage is a negotiation all the time! He got flowers, doesn't matter who he did it! We use an app from a florist, could be worse could be Walmart. The fact the things doesn't happen on the way to expect doesn't mean are less worth it. They need to accept who is the other in the moments they don't think alike, and accept from the other the efforts from other or other way. I think both did awesome at the end, in other hand you people needs to practice relationships and negotiations.
Sarah Léon 7 months ago
My father was an autistic man. Really autistic when it came to romantic gestures. And my mom was... well... a romantic woman. One day, she snapped at him. She wanted romance ! She wanted even a little gesture like, why not, coming back on saturday morning with a simple rose, just because ! My father being who he was, came back the next saturday with a simple rose and my mother was thrilled ! But the next saturday, he came back with another rose, and yet another one the next week... every saturday for 2 months she had her rose... until she snapped it wasn't romantic anymore and he stopped and waited for the next demand to obey... I loved my parents !
Megalodon Meg 9 months ago
Asking for your partner to put in effort isn't being high maintenence.
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