90 Tweets For Anyone Who Likes Their Humor Dry, Petty And Slightly Unhinged

Must be Hyacinth...

This. Was. My. Week.

Might want to emigrate as well.

The garden really needed it after several heat waves and drought

They contain no calories. Everybody knows that

Heartbreaking. But also sweet

" 'Tis but a scratch!"

Yes, yes it is.

Not sure that's a UK registration plate, but good joke

Same, Mate. Same.

sbj

sbj

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

FollowUnfollow

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

"You know my name and that's already too much information"

My old college is now a housing estate, and even the last time I went past I was pointing out where the labs were and where the barn was.

water in Scotland is one of the best waters in the world. was visiting my Father/StepMother in England a while back, JFC the water, made me gag like f**k, the state of their kettle was mental.

sbj

sbj

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

FollowUnfollow

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

And then throw myself on the ground crying after they've left when they reply to my sorry was 'Don't worry about the mess it was you I came to see '

I love David Mitchell so much! I can hear this in his voice.

Had a neighbour who's gf was called Hope. She went away for a bit. He was... ;-)

Queen Typo

Queen Typo

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

Every person that lives alone needs one of these. Do I have company? Maybe….but he never says a word so you will never know

We have a box of Milkybars, it's not allowed to go empty :P

The only clean Olympics.

Works in Aus too

The homeowner is adorable. 😂

That sounds like a perfectly good weekend.

A friend in Cornwall (a farmer) told me that locals call tourists "ennits".

That has happened to me more recently than I am comfortable admitting.

Not merely the effrontery, but he don't care!

this one is universal.

Needs to be *at least* big enough to fit a Penguin on top.

KitchenToto

KitchenToto

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

FollowUnfollow

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

When my husband and I first got a mobile phone each they were the tiny ones and we only used them to tell each other we were on our way home if we were out separately

You clearly don’t understand how serious toast is. This is epic!

Oldie. But still goodie.

And yet they all are based off of Malted Battery Acid.

thats me, im off.

You are now basically immortal

Don’t have anything in my coffee. I like it as black as my soul. But I do like a bit of sugar and some milk in my tea

(Admit it, you heard the theme tune, too.)

hahahaha

London taxi drivers have to learn thousands of "pickup points" to pass "The Knowledge". You always want to go somewhere else.

easily, their beer is water.

And actually touch some wood, or tap your head if none is available

a good salad can be very nice. has to be a really good one and not just a bit of s****y iceberg lettuce wi random s**t flung in.

Have a griddle on my gas stove. Toasties tend to wax and wane. Sometimes I want them everyday for weeks and then I don’t want them at all for weeks. And then I rediscover them. Rinse and repeat

Getting there at mid day is more like a half day out isn't it?

Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes… No…. Why are you asking me all these questions?!

This place is near Pewsey in Wiltshire near my old home.

Fun fact: my Border Collie likes cold sprouts but then she does apocalyptic farts.

Babygulrot vibe

If their names had not been changed, and Jesus wasn't portrayed as white,how many so called religious people would still follow their religion.

Could be worse. Could be Birmingham, Alabama.

I hate firms that behave like this...

Another d3ad man walking.

... Too soon?

Worse, it's omitted the tons of prime ministers before 1834. Paging Pitt the younger?

So does that mean you can eat a carload of them and these stats apply? Asking for a friend

Say 'Hi!' to Thursday Next and the gang down at Jurisfiction!

Hear, Hear! The only possible improvement would be to put a John Steed Bowler on the dog.

Ridgecut, the elite.

In Czech Republic we actually have a pill that is available over-the-counter in Pharmacies, you take it 30min before start drinking and you have no hangover next day. True story!

Queen Typo

Queen Typo

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

I would have loved that. I had to return to work when my youngest child was 19 days old. 19 DAYS. Did I say it loud enough? 19 FREAKING DAYS. I hate the system in USA

"Property ladder?" Some sort of inane management-speak.

we used to go to the 24h petrol station for rizlas, munchies and juice lol. 1.5 miles each way.

sbj

sbj

Community Member • points

posts

comments

upvotes

FollowUnfollow

Premium

Premium user. Get details.

Here in the UK experiencing all four seasons in 24 hours is the norm

I guess Bagels look enough like Doughnuts that they have the cops fooled?

I’ve had cups in my cupboard longer than a lot of marriages

Several taxi drivers, yes.

I don’t do breakfast. It takes me a least a couple of hours after I get up to even consider food. I also don’t do 5 am. I call that o’fùck thirty

One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy