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Learning is a lifelong process. Every day we absorb, sift, and catalog new information. Unfortunately, not everything we learn is healthy, correct, or optimal. When we're presented with new information that challenges prior knowledge, we have the opportunity to reevaluate our understanding.
Unlearning can take time. Sometimes it's as easy as breaking a benign habit. Other times we may need moral support. And, generally speaking, we can benefit from professional help of some kind.
Fortunately, unlearning is a rollercoaster we all get to experience. No one is immune. So, whether it's driving at 2 and 10, microaggressions, or changing the cycle of abuse, we want to hear about your unlearning process.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
All of the horrible things my father used to say to me all the time when I was a child until I was around 22 years old. He told me that I was worthless, a waste of time, stupid, ugly, wouldn't amount to anything or anyone. He told me that I was a mistake and a bad daughter. He said that no one would ever love me. For the longest time, I believed him. I am still working on unlearning all of the abuse he and my mother did but it's tough. When you are told something constantly by the very people who are supposed to protect you, it's really hard to change that way of thinking. I just take it a day at a time.
Final score:
50points
Nitro Codes 3 years ago
Nah. Your dad is all that stuff. Horrid parent too. If you are a parent, look to them for what NOT to do, and look to people like Auntie Caro Caro for what to do.
Spampampams 3 years ago
You are loved! Let yourself feel the outpouring of us from us to you! And you do post some prreety gooood stuff!
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
@Mama Panda, you are a wonderful person. One day at a time is the best way to go. It's hard to unlearn that much "programming". *fist bump* Leo
Mama Panda (Submission author) 3 years ago
Thank you all for the love and support, it truly means the world to me! It's people like yourselves that help me relearn my value and in turn learn to love myself. My father and mother are dead now and I like to think they are both in hell being tortured over and over. I have more good days now than bad. I am sorry to learn that there are others here who have experienced the same and to you I send love and support too. We can all do this together. Thank you all again /hugs!
Tamra Stiffler 3 years ago
I intimately understand where you're coming from. You can't change the past, but you can re-parent yourself. Give yourself the love, support and respect you deserve and... therapy if you have access to it. Therapy was the most helpful for me, and daily practice. I wish you all the good things. 🤗
Suzi Q 3 years ago
I'm so sorry you had to hear that from someone who is supposed to love and support you. You didn't deserve that, no child does. He clearly hated himself and projected it on you. It doesn't help knowing that though. It sounds like you're slowly learning that was about him, not you. You are worthy and loved.
RELATED:
#2
No need to be available or "on call" 24/7. Don't have to rush shopping to get home, can go outside and stay there. Don't have to answer the phone when I'm away from the house. The guilty feeling when I'm at a neighbour's house having a cuppa. I need to get used to that and unlearn the availability.
Final score:
30points
Caro Caro (Submission author) 3 years ago
Yep. I need to get use to not having my husband anymore and that there won't be emergency phone calls and of course me just worrying about him. That's history but jees it seems ingrained in my brain .... I did ignore a phone call yesterday and that felt pretty good ;)
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Fiona Meijer 3 years ago
I had( have) to learn that to.I cared for my mother from the age of 23. The last 2 years, specially the last 6 months of her life I was on call 24/7... rushing home from work, shopping even walking the dog... she past away 4 months ago aged 94. Sometimes I still rush... then stop... no need. Sad and relieves at the same time.
Caro Caro (Submission author) 3 years ago
Fiona, I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, that rushed feeling ... I don't miss that!
Load More Replies... Tamra Stiffler 3 years ago
It's a new chapter for sure, Caro. I hope you're able to find pleasure in some of these new patterns and ways of moving through this new landscape. I hope the new landscape offers you lots of flowers. 🤗
Caro Caro (Submission author) 3 years ago
The landscape is getting better. It's the feeling of restlessness and loss that gets me. I have a burnout so doing the most simple tasks is hard. I'll get there!
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HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
I am not tethered to my phone, thank goodness, but they can be a god-send in an emergency.
Caro Caro (Submission author) 3 years ago (edited)
Yes, if hurt then you can call someone. Or car trouble, stuff like that. Sometimes people call me and are very sad and I don't have the energy to make them feel better. It's me first at the moment otherwise I'll fall to pieces. My best friend calls a lot and sometimes I just can't. I love her but she needs too much attention at the moment.
Load More Replies... #3
self loathing... still working on it
Final score:
28points
everyone's favorite person 3 years ago
I came here to say the same thing. It's nice to know I'm not alone. 💖
K- THULU (Submission author) 3 years ago
Unfortunately a lot of it comes from undiagnosed mental illness. It took me 45 yrs to realize that I'm autistic. Years of constantly thinking, " why am i like this, why can't I fit in , I must be a fkn loser , what's wrong with me?". It's some kind of relief now I know the cause but the damage is done. Sometimes its easier to just be alone....
Caro Caro 3 years ago
There's nothing wrong with you and you are NOT a loser. Hugs K-Thulu.
Load More Replies... #4
That waking up later than 8 is ok, and doesn't make you less of an adult. I'm a musician and music teacher, I'm home and eating dinner around 9:30-10, sometimes 11. Why in the world would i wake up at 6 the next day
Final score:
24points
Nitro Codes 3 years ago (edited)
WHOLY SHYTE YOU MUST HAVE HELL SOMETIMES ! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO, KIND TACOCAT ! LOVE, A STUDENT WHO LOVES MUSIC. NOT YOUR STUDENT THO. Edit: Wow, I was cringe when I was younger lmao. This 100% reflects my opinions on music, music teachers, and their students tho. Thank you so much.
#5
I'm trying to learn to not think about myself in a negative way. It's a work in progress.
Final score:
23points
#6
Procrastinating. I'm doing it even by writing this post. 😬
Final score:
23points
RandomFrog 3 years ago
I’m doing it by reading on BP rn. I have to get up for school in a min though.
#7
Apologizing for things that I am neither responsible or sorry for. That automatic "I'm sorry...." I know y'all know what I'm talking about LOL
Final score:
23points
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
I'm doing better at this. Seems natural to apologize but it can be costly. When someone backed up into my truck in Glacier Park and then came running up to insist it was my fault, I overcame my habit of saying 'I'm sorry.' that could've / would've been an assumption of responsibility. The other insurance company paid for my repairs. Yay.
#8
That when someone does something that upsets me or hurts me, i don't have to just say "it's fine", or "no worries" with a smile and pretend it's not a big deal. My parents (dad especially) would get mad at me for being "defensive" if anything they said or did made me upset and I said something or wasn't happy about it. It's taking a while to unlearn that one....
Final score:
20points
#9
Using my wheelchair is not “givingup”
Final score:
19points
Rens 3 years ago
Amen to that. I've accepted that my body doesn't work properly (Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue/ME). I've gone through the grieving process, I've accepted that I am disabled and I will use whatever I can to allow me to live my best life.
Suzi Q 3 years ago
I have very similar disorders (since 1996.) When I need my cane, walker, wheelchair cart I accept it. I'm still getting out and I need it at that time.
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Anna K 3 years ago
I don't know when this was posted and I don't care. But, USING A WHEELCHAIR IS PROOF YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN UP, WHEN YOU USE IT (OR ANY ASSISTIVE DEVICE/MEDICATION) IT'S SHOWING THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK AND POWER THROUGH YOUR MOBILITY ISSUES. Sorry for the all caps, but I needed to burn that idea into my brain myself as a disabled person and power wheelchair user. Let yourself have bad days. It's okay to mourn your loss of ability. It really hurts, I know. But remind yourself when you can of the above. Keep on keeping on my friend.
Monica Michelle (Submission author) 3 years ago
I've found when I passionately give advice I'm trying to remember it myself, beautifully put my friend
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Pillowarmidiloroku 3 years ago
Lord they all say this to my step grandma she has feet that are so puffed up she cant feel them
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
We did a challenge several years ago where healthy people had to but on a backpack with 20kilograms in it, then try to walk up and down stairs (I think it was 3 flights). The lesson sunk in. You're not giving up. You're letting your body not fall down!
#10
Unhealthy eating habits.
Final score:
16points
#11
My mom started her "You shouldn't eat that much", "People will always judge you by your weight/image", "You're gaining weight, do something for your body" thing when I was about 8-10yo. When I was 14 I weighted 99 pounds at 5'4" and exercised 6 days a week, my bones showed through my skin, and still she was there telling me "if you keep gaining weight, you'll never get a job when you need one". I learnt my weight defines my worth at a very young age. Ironically, when I started college at 18 yo, she banned me from sports cuz according to her, I had to study at least 8 hours a day. I never studied those hours but didn't dare to start a sport, despite being in another city, so I put up a lot of weight. Needless to say I've cried countless times about it and, since I haven't been able to drop it despite intense dieting and intense excercise, I still to this day do. I'm unlearning hatred towards myself and my body now. It's a tough ride.
Final score:
15points
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
That was my dad. I understand. My sis had even worse body image than I do, which is saying a lot. Being a healthy weight was, to my dad, "fat". It was all about his issues, his control over us, his way of punishing the world. HUGS ---- to every milligram of you, all of which is worth loving!
Anna Martinez (Submission author) 3 years ago
Thanks for this. My mom's thing is also about her issues, she passed them on to me and my sis - as you can read below in another reply. Hugs to you too, and thanks for your words. Hope you are feeling better about it all.
Load More Replies... Pillowarmidiloroku 3 years ago
Dude my mom would force me to finish because I have a small appetite and took my school laptop until I ran 3 miles
Anna Martinez (Submission author) 3 years ago
You know what's weird. My little sister, unlike me - quite a big tall girl when I was a child - was very thin and tiny. She used to force her to finish her plate too, even when it meant most times she would vomit afterwards. Later on, whe she got to 17 years old and she was living with me and my brother, my mom used to call her to tell her to stop over eating, somehow 'she knew she was gaining weight'. My sister was also 5'4" then and weighted 92 pounds. My mom caused an eating desorder on her and she ended up in an emergency room after fainting because she hadn't been eating for three days while training hard for her volleyball team and going to school - over 10 full active hours a day total. We both also have huge problems with body dysmorphia now. We're 22 and 29.
Load More Replies... #12
Asking. Ever since I can remember, my family taught me to not going everybody on the nerves.
Final score:
14points
Laura Mende (Human) (Submission author) 3 years ago
So today I'm an adult who thinks asking for the printer at work is to much. Everybody around me is very busy, so I'm not allowed to ask anything... It could be annoying.
Anna Martinez 3 years ago
Oh that happens to me too. And I complement that by not having learnt to say no, so I never ask for anything but do everything people ask me for even if I don't want to xD but that one's going better.
Load More Replies... HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
I have always been the bull in the tea shop. Unfailingly polite, but never afraid to ask, or even at times demand that something be done medically.
Milena Stuchi 3 years ago
I can feel this post. I once spent an entire day without using the toilet because I was at my aunt's house and she did not offer me the bathroom (I was a child, but this kind of behaviour is not unusual to me)
#13
I don’t believe in sin. Trying to unlearn 40+ years of biblical Christianity.
Final score:
13points
Madeleine Flowers 3 years ago
I'm so glad that I don't have to do this. My family celebrates Christian holidays, but I've never gone to church, and have always been the one to point out the flaws of the Bible. It sounds like a menace to try to unlearn all that.
Evan Wills 3 years ago
So my dad was from a religious family, but my parents never made me live that way and I'm told that when I was a toddler my very religious grandmother and her sister cornered my mother and tried to force her to sign me up for church school (without my dad there) which she adamantly rejected. Still really glad about that one to this day. I was rather appalled to learn about that.
#14
Anxiety generated by work. No, I'm not irreplaceable so I can stay home when I'm sick. No, I won't be executed if I make a mistake. No, my bosses have no right of life and death over me. No, if I don't answer a call or email after hours, I won't automatically find myself unemployed the next day, etc...
Final score:
12points
Hawkmoon (Submission author) 3 years ago
No, not adulting itself, but starting a career can be. And once we realize that we are making up our minds about too many things, the anxiety goes away.
Load More Replies... #15
Holding my fingers automatically over WASD keys even on games that don't use them.
Final score:
11points
Saxophone 3 years ago
For me, its the arrow keys. I CANNOT unlearn that. Any WASD controls are now corresponding arrows, and space is jump.
MJLstrd 3 years ago
And here I sit not even know what you're talking about!
Load More Replies... RandomFrog 3 years ago
Hahaha I do this too. Just when the computer starts up I don’t even put my fingers in home row they go straight to WASD
#16
If someone in the classroom is blocking the path, rather than asking them to move for a sec I will walk all the way around the room instead. I hate that I do this but I just can’t not.
Final score:
10points
Pillowarmidiloroku 3 years ago
I just don’t like talking to people in school or they will start a whole fight
#17
Accepting help is a good thing. My mom was the oldest child, so I grew up with the "take care of everyone else" mentality. And I very often spend my day helping everyone else. Yet when a very good mutual friend reassured me that relying on my fiance for help is a good, natural thing, I cried and had a panic attack. You gotta remind yourself that, as your own friend, people can be there for you.
Final score:
10points
Sarah (Submission author) 3 years ago
How dare you try to explode my brain!
Load More Replies... #18
Self-hatred.
Final score:
9points
#19
People pleasing. For the love of god I just cannot seem to stop.
Final score:
9points
#20
To try and not be loud, still working on it
Final score:
8points
Anna Martinez 3 years ago
I have the opposite. I'm trying to build up my tolerance of noise. I think I have hyperacusis. Even people speaking in normal volume hurts sometimes.
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Hugs of support. Hubby is learning to deal with his hyperacusis after the ENT specialist diagnosed him.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
I grew up with an abusive dad who had partial hearing loss. I try so hard not to be loud now, but I was programmed for two decades to "SPEAK UP!" and (that was him shouting) and it's difficult even now....
Evan Wills 3 years ago
I have a thing where if I think I sound fine, other people say I'm too loud, and if I quiet down, nobody can hear me.
#21
My habit of being unable to maintain a system in order
Final score:
8points
Nitro Codes 3 years ago (edited)
Find someone who needs help with it as well, and work together on it. Just my thoughts.
Chinmayee Kalghatgi (Submission author) 3 years ago
I axtually don’t have anyone to turn to for this sort of thing because everybody around me are clean and organised while everything is a mess no matter how hard i try
Load More Replies... #22
How to act with kids. I’m older with several little siblings. There’s always been one below 2 1/2 since I was ten. Watching my parents take care of them (and when I was younger, myself), I naturally picked up their habits that I’m now trying to unlearn. Their parenting methods included Always forcing them to share- would you do that to an adult? Yes, generosity is a good habit, but by forcing them to share every little thing you’re discouraging the ability to say no when they really need to. Adults are ALWAYS right- Imagine someone with bad intentions approaches your kid. What are they gonna do? Avoid them, right? Scream? Run? Not when you tell them grown-ups know best. Kids trust. They need to know what’s dangerous. Forcing hugs/kisses- goes along with the above, and it’s an intrusion of their personal space. Children are people and should be treated as such. Any feedback during a punishment/crabby situation is immediately “backtalk”. 🙄 The list goes on. Kids need to walk TO somebody if they need them and give the reason why. Adults shout at a kid from across the house, and they’re expected to come running. Like a dog. Monitor every little thing they do. Not letting them do anything without a parent knowing every little detail. The whole household revolved around an atmosphere of worshipping the parents. It makes me so angry and it scares me when I see myself thoughtlessly do some of the same things. I’m not saying there’s a right way to parent; however, there is most definitely a wrong way.
Final score:
8points
#23
That family always comes first. If your family is dysfunctional or toxic (or both), you don't have to hang around those creeps and let them stack s### on you. You're better off with friends who respect you and treat you like a human being. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Final score:
8points
#24
That I don't need to be afraid of my husband if we ever have an argument. I dated several men before him that were emotionally and verbally abusive and it wrecked me.
Final score:
7points
Nitro Codes 3 years ago
You married him. Just tell him! It will likely help, as you trust him to the point you married him.
#25
That not everyone has an ulterior motive or wants to betray/humiliate/hurt me in some way
Final score:
6points
#26
1. I've been singing the lyrics to Free Bird wrong for 40 years. Can't stop. 2. I type on my keyboard with 2 fingers, I can't unlearn that.
Final score:
5points
Kim Kermes 3 years ago
My brother typed his police reports using what he called search and destroy method. Having learned on an antique with a cast iron frame, he put a lot of muscle into it, too.
#27
not to feel like im guilty or lying about something when someone askes me about something, whenever something went wrong in anyway i would get treated like it was my fault somehow even if i wasnt there when it happened, an exaple we ran out of butter and my dad (not that he deserved that title) rang me in the middle of a date yelling at me for making my siblings go without it in the mash potato that he was making and saying that he hoped that i choked on my food, the thing is i made sandwiches for my lunch when i went to collage, my bf made them too and we would swap one of the "halves" to try each others, but because my partner didnt like butter much i stopped using it, so i had no idea that we were out of butter but it was my fault because "you shouldve f*ing checked!"
Final score:
5points
SilverSkyCloud (Submission author) 3 years ago
he's dead now due to his alcohol intack, liver failure one of the major things, but he hated doctors so technically because i was scared of getting hit of getting an abulance when he was obviously in a bad way (struggling with waking up and remembering things) i let him die
Load More Replies... #28
How to hold a pen/pencil. Been holding it wrong my entire life without realizing. Then was corrected and still havent figured out how to hold it right.
Final score:
5points
Kim Kermes 3 years ago
If your writing is readable, don't worry about how you hold a pen. If not, look up italic writing, a type of calligraphy, and think of drawing the letters.
Susanne B 3 years ago
This is good advice I think. When the children in my class have trouble writing, I tell them to cheat and shows them how to draw the letters. They like it, and I can't tell the difference.
Load More Replies... Madeleine Flowers 3 years ago
It took me a month or two. My mom said, "You have to hold it like this otherwise your hand is going to cramp while you're writing!" and I had to relearn everything. VERY annoying.
#29
That your insecurities are not the things that make up who you are.
Final score:
5points
#30
So far, it's job searching with today's methods. Everything is so different compared to even 10 years ago. I've been at my job for so long I needed help with everything. My whole resume had a complete overhaul and reno. Everything I knew about interviews I had to relearn and needed some coaching on breaking some old habits I had learned from High School. I still don't have everything down pat and currently in doubt my resume is any good. Job hunting is not like what it used to be. I've gotten one interview I bombed. Nothing else. I've seen 1 other employer glance at my resume and that's it. I have no idea if the resource centre helped or made things worse. It feels like I may never get another job and I'll be stuck here.
Final score:
5points
Michele Lein 3 years ago
Tell me about it! I can barely navigate around job finding sites. I always end up getting lost, and instead of applying for a medical office support position, I end up at Amazon, applying for a warehouse worker job.
#31
This makes me think about drug sniffing dogs. Going from one day finding marijuana gets you a good boy and a treat to post legalization not so much. How do they unlearn this?
Final score:
4points
#32
I want to unlearn my fear/hatred/distrust of the human race.
Final score:
4points
Leo Domitrix (Submission author) 3 years ago
After the last two years, it would take a miracle to restore my faith in humanity as a whole, but thank you for the offer.
Load More Replies... #33
Being defensive all the time. It was a defense mechanism learned during long term psychological and emotional abuse and neglect in childhood. I've done well eliminating or mitigating most of the effects, but decades later this one is just as tenacious as ever.
Final score:
4points
#34
Workaholism. I really loved my job despite my autoimmune illness. I was killing myself for it but my doctor said he was tired of putting me back together and needed to retire or die. I had to retire young because I couldn’t walk without a walker and could no longer drive. My addict brain wanted to keep working. I felt like my only value was what I did, not who I was. I went through drug and alcohol addiction before I stopped. I learned that I have value outside of my job. 15 years later and on “bad” days I occasionally struggle with my value but still working on it. Glad to be addiction-free.
Final score:
4points
#35
Not everyone is out to get me. I have a paranoia problem and some ex-friends who WERE out to get me. and its been pretty hard to trust people since that, i have to keep telling myself that not everyone is trying to get dirt on me so they can talk s**t behind my back, but its awfully hard to believe.
Final score:
4points
#36
Trying to unlearn my habit of getting angry at my white friends for buying instant rice.
Final score:
3points
#37
Laziness
Final score:
3points
#38
Social gender norms. I was raised fundamental babysit and even though I now identify as non-binary it's hard not to think of things as male vs female.
Final score:
3points
Hagen Radcliffe 3 years ago
Thanks- I read this 6 times and was just DUH. The correction is much appreciated!
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just another bookish gay 3 years ago
I get that. Best wishes for moving past society's ideas about binary gender!
#39
Blaming s**t my old friends put me through on myself - saying they wouldn't treat me so badly if I could make myself a better or different person, or that they would be happier if I didn't exist at all. For anyone going through this, you are worth SO much more than that. Find people who can see how amazing you are. I know it's super hard, I'm still working through it, but I promise you deserve so much more of the beauty that life has to offer.
Final score:
3points
#40
That being disorganised is somehow a 'lovable' trait. It's not, it just shows a lack of engagement and a 'can't be arsed' attitude really. I am definitely losing this one more than winning it but still trying
Final score:
2points
Kim Kermes 3 years ago
Not necessarily. You may not have had good examples. Every brain is different. Any system has to be easy for you and make sense to you. Focus on one small issue at a time. A habit can be formed in 6 weeks, but not always.
#41
I had some bad friends, you know, you are annoying, stop asking questions, I moved schools, but I still are like, "I don't wanna bother them, or them notice me!" So I have like 2 good friends. Just can't ask people stuff.
Final score:
2points
#42
My bad golf swing. Nearly impossible.
Final score:
2points
Spampampams 3 years ago
Ha hA ha haha. I had this girlfriend, married to a golfer ,just had to go with him, had to .lol
Load More Replies... #43
That my opinion doesn't matter as much. I was taught that I should speak last as I was often the only child present at adult functions. I was tolerated because I behaved well. But out of respect i would change or withhold my opinion. 35 yrs later still trying.
Final score:
2points
#44
Letting go of my insecurities, over trusting people, expecting people to give back the same amount/way that I give, overthinking, self-destruction especially diminishing myself, bottling up my emotions, depending on people.
Final score:
2points
#45
I can't stop singing all the lyrics to all of the songs I like. It drives my daughter's boyfriend Austin the Terrible (please see my other posts for more on ATT) up the wall, and people look at me funny when I sing out loud in the grocery store. It's a defense mechanism, probably developed to cope with my unhappiness, and partly to shield myself from all the negative energy I absorbed as a child of a narcissistic mother. Y
Final score:
2points
Mama Panda 3 years ago
Michele, don't stop singing for anyone! If it helps you then sing your heart out! As for ATT, screw him (not literally). Tell him that he is lame for not singing with you. I am tone deaf but I will sing out loud when I hear a song that I like or if one gets stuck in my head.
#46
biting my fingernails. No matter how hard I try I CANNOT stop it!
Final score:
1point
#47
Hm. Tough to remember. probably that caffeine is gonna f**k me up. The funny thing is, I learned that the hard way through an OD. But I'm fine. I still drink energy drinks to this day.
Final score:
0points
#49
Nothing quite like anyone else's submissions, but a while back I learned about a-I'm not going to tell you, but it was really sad, and horrific, and ruined a small part of my childhood. Since then, I have tried to unlearn it, and I got close to forgetting it (or at least a part of it), and then I read it on BP again. If you want to know I'll write it in the comments.
Final score:
-1point
Madeleine Flowers (Submission author) 3 years ago
1) There was a girl that gave birth to a child when she was about 5 and a half years old and 2) The girl who voiced Ducky in The Land Beyond (I think that's the name of it) went missing, and her father/step-father is presumed to have something to do with it. She hasn't been seen since.
Load More Replies...
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