Today, I decided to go out. There were warnings signs I chose to ignore because I feel suffocated in my room and I want to think clearly on how I should create a better life for myself. I went from one place to another until I decided to hang out to a tiny nature spot which I was so glad to have found. There’s like a mushroom-themed table set made of concrete there, it made my fairy heart twinkled with delight. I feel wary just sitting there because it’s beside a busy road but I chose to see the beauty of the place and relaxed myself, I brought out my mini notebook and pencil and wrote some words to let out some frustrations and then I stopped and sang La Vie En Rose.

I wasn’t even aware I was already singing out loud, suddenly someone gave me a shoulder jolt which sent me to an alert mode and then I saw it was a security guard! So I just played it off the way the natives here would usually speak, I told him it really made me afraid. Because the touch was so eerie to me like I would be kidnapped by a criminal but when I saw it was the security guard of course I cancelled out any wary thoughts, I asked him if the place is forbidden, he told me that it’s not. And then I try to turn away from him hoping he would eventually go, I pretended instead to be curing something on my skin but he keep on speaking!!! He asked me about where I live, I didn’t answer. Then he asked me about my name, I didn’t answer. He asked me where I went twice so I gave him an answer. And then a few second of silence, I was really expecting he would instantly disappear because I also thought that he may just wanted some friendly conversation and my unresponsiveness would gave away the clue that I’m not the right person for that.

Then came the bomb, he asked me about my number. My heart was heavy inside my chest, then the detonation of the bomb, he said, “we should be textmate” I was pulverized, every parts of my brain scattered on the concrete floor. I hastely gathered my stuff on the table and made my exit out of the situation. I trusted him because HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A SYMBOL OF FUCKING SECURITY!!!!! I was angry walking out of the place. I didn’t expect it from him not because of his job but because he’s an old man, white hair… He even kinda looked like a late popular filipino actor. It’s a chilling experience for me because I couldn’t make sense of it, an old man? Asking a textmate from a girl not even twice but thrice younger than his age.

I don’t know what the fuck was that but it surely activated a whole powerful layer of rage in me. I should say patriarchal society, count your fucking days.

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