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Interview With Expert
Envy isn’t one of the most pleasant emotions, especially when it’s felt in a relationship. It often arises when a person has minor insecurities, and if they’re left unaddressed, they can negatively affect the partnership.
In redditor’s Gamergirlaita case, the thing that conjured up envy in her relationship was a gaming computer. The partners both shared their love of playing video games, but when the girlfriend decided to update her equipment, the boyfriend got upset and insulted her. One heated thing led to another, and their hobby became the reason their relationship crumbled in 24 hours.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with relationship coach Dawn Lucht and relationship therapist Bianca Saia, who kindly agreed to tell us more about envy between partners.
Having shared hobbies in a relationship can be a lot of fun
Image credits: Alena Darmel / pexels (not the actual photo)
However, in this relationship, it became a thing that majorly conjured up envy
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: gamergirlaita
Later, the author provided an update
“Jealousy in any relationship is about the jealous person feeling insecure”
Bored Panda reached out to relationship coach Dawn Lucht who believes that there’s no such thing as healthy jealousy in a relationship. She says, “Jealousy in any relationship is about the jealous person feeling insecure, and the person who’s the focal point of the jealousy is possibly acting in a way that creates a feeling of unsafety in the relationship. At the root of this jealous behavior is often fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment, judgment, or not being “enough.”
We also contacted relationship therapist Bianca Saia, who suggests that this emotion isn’t inherently healthy or unhealthy. “Kids feel jealous, adults feel jealous, and some people swear that their pets get jealous!”
“Feelings are a way of your body telling you, “This situation here needs your attention.” The better we are at approaching the (granted, quite unpleasant!) emotion of jealousy with curiosity and acceptance, the better equipped we will be for what to do next,” she explains.
However, she notes, “What’s unhealthy is to feel jealousy and control, moralize, insult, and hurt our partner in an attempt to not feel so bad. Doing that can absolutely be destructive.
When speaking of material things, like in this story, it’s more fitting to use the word envy. Saia further explains, “Envy is a feeling that mixes desire and jealousy. What envy does is point to something that is important to us. Once that’s identified, we can decide to move towards obtaining what we desire and feel inspired by our partner’s possessions and achievements.”
Some signs indicating that the partner feels envious are if they don’t look genuinely happy for the other person’s successes or if they criticize something important to them. They might also minimize accomplishments or constantly compare wages or job positions.
Image credits: Anete Lusina / pexels (not the actual photo)
How envy affects a relationship depends on the way we react to our feelings
How it affects a relationship depends on what we do with the way we feel. Neuroscientist Berit Brogaard advises refraining from acting on such feelings right away. Intense and frequent episodes of envy only cause havoc in relationships when they are acted upon.
She further explains, “Feel, but don’t act. If the need arises, consider explaining your feelings to your romantic partner, friend, or family member. Perhaps they can help. But don’t attempt to have this conversation when you are consumed by these destructive feelings. Wait till you feel calmer.”
Since such emotions often go hand in hand with low self-esteem and insecurity issues, Dawn recommends, “Take responsibility for your behaviors and not expect the other person to change to make you feel more comfortable.”
Saia mentions that dealing with these feelings also requires understanding and communication from both partners. “The partner experiencing jealousy (Partner A) should begin by being honest with themselves. They might acknowledge, “I don’t like feeling jealous, but I accept that it’s here.” Then they can reflect on the specific trigger for their jealousy.”
Furthermore, Dawn notes, “If the person you’re with is constantly trying to make you feel jealous, then this is a red flag too, and you need to address this head-on. If it continues, either seek professional help and/ or be courageous enough to enforce healthy boundaries or leave.”
Saia seconds this by saying, “If Partner A notices recurring jealousy despite Partner B’s sincere efforts to reassure them, they might consider working on themselves to improve their self-love and acceptance (attending therapy, doing readings, meditation, and other tools for growth).”
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Commenters wholeheartedly supported the girlfriend
After some time, the author provided an update
Image credits: gamergirlaita
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Well said! Now, wanna help me take down a Final Boss or two...? XP XD
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Glad it worked out in the end. She obviously needed a wake up call and I'm glad it's a safe one. People, don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Don't stay with anyone soley because you've been together for a relatively long time or put work into the relationship that isn't even paying off. Life is too short to deal with this type of BS. You don't owe anyone anything that isn't giving it back to you. And even then, like shouldn't be transactional between people who care about each other. Go be happy.
The blinders came off. Finally. I'm sure her loved ones saw him for the moocher he was. And are relieved it seems to b over. I hope she stands firm.
Well said! Now, wanna help me take down a Final Boss or two...? XP XD
Load More Replies... Glad it worked out in the end. She obviously needed a wake up call and I'm glad it's a safe one. People, don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Don't stay with anyone soley because you've been together for a relatively long time or put work into the relationship that isn't even paying off. Life is too short to deal with this type of BS. You don't owe anyone anything that isn't giving it back to you. And even then, like shouldn't be transactional between people who care about each other. Go be happy.
The blinders came off. Finally. I'm sure her loved ones saw him for the moocher he was. And are relieved it seems to b over. I hope she stands firm.
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