Money’s Tight, So This Guy Skips Throwing $600 On Cooking For 27 People And Potlucks It, Some Guests Get Offended
It is almost universally agreed that the holidays are all about family and friends, generosity, forgiveness, and all that is holy and good—a certain kind of cherry on top for the year that preceded it to leave it on a positive note, no matter how it went up to that point.
Incidentally, the stereotype that Thanksgiving must traditionally include a family feud does feel like it’s there by design as you get all of your negative emotions out, and then it’s all nice on the home stretch leading all the way up to the holidays. At least that’s how it happens, right?
Well, usually. There are still occasions, whether rightful or not, where people wish to end the year as if a hermit crab had pinched them on the rear. One Redditor shared how entitled some of his dinner guests were after years of hosting a holiday dinner, all at his own initiative with the Mrs., but this year he decided to change it up a bit.
More Info: Reddit
The holidays are supposed to be a time of positivity and love and all that jazz, especially since everyone already let out their negative energy during Thanksgiving feuds
Image credits: gardener41 (not the actual photo)
Reddit user u/Clarifying-Chocolate and his wife have this tradition of hosting a holiday party each year. As he explained, it’s a soiree-type gathering for family, friends, and coworkers, of which there are usually around 20 to 25.
Up until now, the two would take care of all the food prep for all 25-something people. The financial burden also lay with them, which translated to $500 to $600 in groceries. However, as you might have guessed, the past year was not easy for anyone, and thus the holidays are no different.
But in this Redditor’s case, it continued as some of his holiday party guests were anything but happy about the idea of having to chip in when they never had to before
Image credits: Clarifying-Chocolate
To mitigate the situation, OP and his wife came up with a potluck kind of solution. They sent out invites to everyone saying that if they want to take part in this year’s festivities, they will be required to bring a dish. While a list was provided of potential dishes, folks were left with the option to prepare their own creations if they wanted to. And if they aren’t the dish-making type, no worries, you folks can just chip in with a $20 bill to offset the costs.
Seems reasonable, right? Not to everyone. This year, 27 people were invited. Of that number, 6 people questioned this decision. And by question, it looks more like a burst of entitlement, for a lack of a better word.
In light of always having to spend up to $600 of his own money, OP suggested guests bring their own dishes or $20 to offset the cost, but that led to 6 people saying no
Image credits: Clarifying-Chocolate
Image credits: Douglas Muth (no the actual photo)
After reaching out to these six people, asking why they ended up not RSVPing, they explained that expecting folks to bring dishes is selfish, inconsiderate and the like. All things considered, it seemed to OP that turning to r/AITA would only provide more perspective to the issue.
Folks mostly said NTA, but with constructive feedback on how the author of the post could’ve handled it a bit differently
And while it seemed like a no-brainer conclusion for OP based on their “quick post, just trying to get opinions” remark in the introduction, the vast majority of Redditors declared that OP is not wrong in his position. Many thought it was reasonable to ask people to chip in, especially considering that, as OP states in one of his responses, they are providing main entrees, hoping the guests will fill the gaps with appetizers and snacks. But there was a catch.
Image credits: Jim Reynolds (not the actual photo)
The only main concern commenters pointed out that might be a bit jerkish is how OP worded the invitation and the whole $20 deal, turning a potluck into some sort of rude transaction that is not necessary for a fun holiday party. In other words, the whole thing needed a little bit more polish in its execution, but nothing wrong with what is effectively a potluck.
You can check out the post right here, but don’t go just yet. Voice your opinion and verdict in the comment section below!
Nothing wrong with a pot luck dinner! That way, all the cooks can show off their favorite sides or main courses or baked goods. But, instead of charging those who don’t cook, tell them that bringing something from the bakery or deli (or something) is great too. That way you’re not shaming people who aren’t great cooks or simply don’t have the time to whip up a casserole or pie to bring.
Our friends and us celebrate the 25 every year - we bring dessert or similar AND put some money in their piggy bank without being asked. I think either the wording was problematic or the guests. If you wont cook you can always buy drinks or a cake.
Yeah the $20 was a tad bit much. Asking for everyone to bring a dish is perfectly fine.
Is this a cultural thing, is this post from Britain or Canada? I’m from the U.S. and bringing some food, or if not, than help pay for the main dish seems pretty normal for any dinner party or potluck I’ve ever gone to/been invited to. I don’t understand the overwhelming amount of YTA comments. If your in a hurry and can’t get to the store beforehand, grab a few of those canned goods that you’re never gonna use from the back of the pantry and toss them in your bag. Done.
I’m in the US as well, and bringing canned goods to a potluck is absolutely NOT ok!
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Sounds like the guy went about it the wrong way- was too demanding and strict, and putting the price on it was definitely ahole-ish. His tone, especially in the comments, is also pretty rude- the ask was not wrong, but his expectations and wording sure were
In my country/culture it's a very standard thing that when you invite people to a dinner or party, everyone brings something or at least offers to bring something. I can't imagine people actually being offended by that.
Potlucks are common in the U.S., too. Even if it isn’t a potluck, it’s normal to ask if there is anything they’d like you to bring (or even just go ahead and bring some wine or something small). The problem is how the invitation was presented with stipulations for attendance, including requests for money in order to be welcome. That part is considered rude.
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I don't get the YTA comments. My work did a potluck last month. I've been to some. There are etiquette rules for potluck. One being: If you don't bring a dish/drinks, you don't eat. I guess telling guests if they don't contribute they need to bring their own food would counter the non-contributing guest's plans, thus not making sense. It would be more rude to tell them they can't eat if they forget. So the $20 thing is reasonable. Guests can bring something if $20 is too dear. Idk what OP makes, but $200 on entrees is insane to me. Does she use truffles and caviar? Potluck x-mas's are common and sometimes expected. 6 out of 27 people declining is not bad. Enjoy the time with the ones who come.
They invited 27 people. So they were expecting to feed a total of 29. $200 means they spent a little under $7 per person. Regardless, the YTA replies aren’t about them having a potluck. It’s about how they worded it as the food and money being, basically, and entry fee to attend. That part is rude. Actually, asking for them to pay the host $20 if they don’t have food to bring is crazy. They shouldn’t be asking for money like it’s a paid event, especially when what they are asking them to pay is more than double what they spent on each guest. They don’t seem to be planning to split that money with the other guests that bring food, either. They should’ve just presented it as a normal potluck dinner that was more welcoming to all, without those conditions.
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I often have potlucks. I usually do the main dish and have all the dishes and utensils. People seem to enjoy them and the dishes they bring get quite competitive. I also ask them to bring a take away container for leftovers. Of course there is always someone who brings a jar of pickles or store bought cookies, but that's ok. I have never asked for money.
There are a few parties in my musical and friends community that have been going on for a couple of decades at least. They're a strong part of our tradition around here. It was SHOCKING for all of us to see them stop due to COVID, but it had to be done. But these parties have ALWAYS been potluck, and if one of the hosts had been financially limited, you can be sure that others in the community would step up.
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Very tacky to request an admission fee. $400-$500 is a very fancy meal for home cooking for that many people (I know because it is about what I spend for New Year's Eve for about the same number). You can provide plenty good food for your acceptable budget of $200. No one is going to shame you. Sure, an especially fancy meal is a nice-to-have, but the important part is gathering together for the holidays. (Side bar: do any of your friends offer, unprompted, to bring something? Many of my invitees for various parties make this offer, even though I refuse time after time (we do a BYOB is all). If none of your friends do, out of 25, they are a generally a tacky group as well.)
Right idea, wrong way of accomplishing the desired outcome. It would have been better to present the invitation as a potluck, presenting suggestions as to what to bring. Real friends would be on board with this.
Potluck is great idea. If your providing the main dish just let them know your providing the meat, utensils, ice, and other things. Let them know: salads, deserts, veggies, chips & dip, drinks, sauces, etc are needed. If the invite is through email or text do a group and let them sign up for their desired contribution. Those who don't cook could bring treats they pick up. Or they could offer to go in with someone and share the cost of ingredients for a dish. I promise you there will be more than enough food. Is there a theme for the evening? Potluck was great idea it was just the tone that dampened the festivities.
The way they worded it sucks a lot. I was team NTA until I got the "stipulations" and charging 20 bucks. If they would have just said "this year we're doing the party pot luck style" I doubt there would have been as much of a fuss
I don't know how anyone could think this person is NTA. I can tell by thr way it is written that the way they went about it lacked tact and was entitled. Easily could've just said the party was a potluck and that if anyone couldn't cook or bring a dish that items like ice, utensils, etc. would be appreciated. Otherwise, don't host a party if money is that tight. Sounds all around just entitled to me
he should have asked his wife for help wording the invites b/c he's clearly dumb about wording. His way was tacky af but making it a pot luck would have been so much easier. If you asked me to give you $20 to come to your house for anything, I'd tell you we're not coming. If you asked if we wanted to come for a pot luck, I'd ask what I could make. Huge difference.
I agree with that. OP is an AH for that comment for sure.
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Slight YTA. Forcing everyone to bring something in a potluck is kind of an AH thing to do. A lot of people might also not have the funds or the time to cook. But I guess it's just our culture that not everyone is required to bring something to the potluck so it's weird for me to see people requiring others to bring something or not attend.
Christ… this sounds like a pretty bog standard do in Australia. The concept of turning up to a party WITHOUT bringing something to contribute is more out of line than the reverse. My Bestie and I have sat down for many a planning sesh to work out what we want to cater and for how many… then we will send out the invites and what we want people to bring. IE: We’re supplying the meat… so… Bob & Carol can you get the bread rolls Ed & Shelley, can you whip up a salad Deena can you grab some soft drink Todd & Ang… fancy making your famous Pav? If anyone can’t for whatever reason bring something generally people will throw some cash into the ‘pot’ for any last minute additions
WHY invite them at all?? If they object, then they are not true friends.
The way OP skipped over the entire point of the 1st comment and was a bit rude about the plates and napkins part, makes me think YTA
I Just Wish He Came At This Differently. Probably Just Stated That They Were Having A Potluck This Year And They Would Appreciate It If Everyone Would Partake. Instead, He Just Made A Negotiation Like An Event As Someone Mentioned: Bring A Food Dish Or Pay $20 To Enter. My Family Have Always Struggled Financially And Didn't Even Have A Car For Many Years Growing Up. It Would Take A Lot Just For Us To Show Up. This OP Already Responded To Someone Saying That Possibly Bringing Other Things Like Ice Or Plastic Utensils Are NOT Essentials And They Already Cover It. So That's Out Of The Question. I Guess Also Helping Set Up And Clean Up Is Unacceptable And Unappreciated Either?? I Would Kindly Decline. But It's Sad That This Is Also Sent To Family Members And Friends, And Not Only Co-Workers. 🤔 🤔 (We Would Have Also Probably Just Bought A Little Something From Any Store, Since That Equals Entry. Not That My Mom Can't Cook (She's An Ex-Chef), But We're Hispanic. Potlucks Aren't Common In Our Household. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤔🤔)
27 people were invited. Of that number, 6 people questioned this decision. And by question, it looks more like a burst of entitlement, for a lack of a better word. ONLY 6 declined! Tell me what the other 21 people said about paying $20 fee for NOT bringing a Potluck dish? Seems to me you could bring a $5 Pastry or a few bottles of soda to forgo the fee. It's NOT Humiliation to ask for help! For some reason, we all need help!
Had a SIL who could not cook she even said it. She bought the brown and serve rolls. Every one knew it and was fine with it.
That could have been handled so much better, so yeah YTA - you don't tell guests to bring food or money. You let everyone know you will be doing pot luck this year and ask them to bring a dish to share. In my family, the host makes the main entree and then requests dishes for the rest of us to bring: ie: brother cooked the turkey and makes a nice salad & sauteed green beans, I bring deviled eggs, mashed potatoes & stuffing (and usually one or two other things because I love to cook), stepmom brings the homemade pies with vanilla ice cream and heavy cream for whipping, homemade cranberry relish and usually a fruit salad, sister brings her homemade yeast rolls and any vegan foods they want (tofurkey, for instance). No one complains and no one EVER goes hungry.
Definitions are important: pot luck means guests get whatever you happen to have on hand. Covered-dish supper is an event in which each guests contributes. Money is never requested at either. Food brought can be home made or store bought.
I don't think your motive and/ or thinking was wrong... but I do think your execution of it was. I think what I would have done is just inform everyone that you would not be hosting the party this year due to rising costs etc...and when everyone complained - you then could suggest a potluck and see if they wanted to go that route. BONUS- Then you can see if they really wanted to get together with you or if they wanted to be fed. HOWEVER.... charging for a plate is distasteful.
People don’t realise how much it costs to host a party. Not just money but the time and effort it takes for a large amount of people to be entertained. The alcohol alone costs hundreds. We have a pot luck style boxing night party but it still costs a lot. That said the same people come to us on New Year’s Eve and we foot the lot and now it’s become expected even though the numbers have grown but we are expected to pay for all food and alcohol, including breakfast when loads still over. With the costs of living being so high I would love it if people chipped in more. If someone was offended by the wording then pick up the phone and talk about it, don’t just ignore it when they’ve hosted many times before. Agree that the money thing was distasteful but I do understand their frustration. I would like to scale ours down but my other half refuses so I just have to accept that we will spend several hundred pounds hosting others over the holidays!
If it's going to be potluck, it needs to be a true potluck. As in, they cannot be handing out assignments and vetting dishes as worthy or unwanted before hand. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit with potlucks. So that is strike one. Strike two is the super rude and demanding way they charged an admission fee. They basically preemptively accused people of mooching. The third strike is not accepting the no's and pushing until they got the answers they didn't want to hear. And the final sweep is that, if they couldn't afford it, they should have had the party they could afford. Such as a less expensive menu, or swapping to snacks and finger foods instead of a full meal.
Not vetting, coordinating. You don't need 4 green bean casseroles.
Load More Replies... I honestly can't imagine getting together with friends for a meal/party WITHOUT a potluck. Whether it's a Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Solstice, New Years, or just a bunch of professional colleagues, friends, or musicians (where I live there's a big musical community), we ALWAYS have potluck. I would fell weird, in fact, to go to a place where someone provided all the food themselves. A very different culture from what I'm used to. The only problem with OP is that clearly he and his SO aren't used to having potlucks, and worded the invitation awkwardly and possibly rudely. But if I were one of the potential guests, I'd have contacted them and asked what they'd like for us to bring.
I was a bit taken aback by this person's fancy ego - their "soiree", really? Or was that sarcasm? Because it didn't feel like it. Just call it a potluck - but I have a feeling they'd think that was beneath them.
Your tone makes YTA, both in the original post and in your brusque answers. It's never ok to ask guests for money or to demand they bring something. Just calling the event a pot-luck would have implied the expectation to bring something. No need to be so heavy-handed in the invitation. Instead of buying the paper plates, ice, and drinks yourself, you should have saved those for the pot-luck guests who cannot cook, or who live in an apartment that is just too small to produce a side dish that serves 27 people. You could also ask for volunteers to help with cleanup in lieu of cooking something. At the very least, you should have very nicely asked people to call you to discuss what they should bring so that you don't end up with 25 people showing up with mashed potatoes. You could even set this up on social media, using a Facebook poll to list the items you need for the party, and each person could click on the poll selection to reserve the thing they want to bring.
Our family always had holidays at our house, because we had more room. Mom would fix the main dishes like turkey, mash potatoes, etc. and everyone brought a dish of their favorite food. We always had a big crowd. Everyone enjoyed themselves and no money was exchanged. We had plenty to drink, lots of deserts and the food was great. I miss those days. Most of my family is passed now and scattered. The memories are wonderful.
Well, you may have crossed the line when you asked for money in lieu of bringing a covered dish. You could have designed the invitation in a more positive manner and I think people would have completely enjoyed the change to a potluck affair. The whole invite with “stipulations” looks abrupt and rude. So, if you’ve held this party for a number of years and want to continue, I think you may need to reach out and apologize for how your words came across, drop any “requirements” for coming but stick with the potluck theme. Then, if things don’t work out well this year you can choose not to have a party next year. Bottom line, YTA, but you can redeem yourself.
I think they're victims of their own success: Once the party goes a few years, people expect a free meal of a certain standard, and all the effort. If you change it to pay-or-potluck it's suddenly random food from less experienced cooks (plus money or effort to attend)... so all the freeloaders are unhappy. They've kind of worked themselves into a corner. Asking for money is very reasonable (be upfront with costs), but it's a bit awkward to stamp it onto the invitation.
What’s wrong with a potluck party among friends?? Apparently these hosts have picked up the entire tab every year to make a special party for their friends.This year they’re struggling & can’t afford to do what they’ve done in the past. Personally, if I were a guest, I would not be offended at all, and would happily bring a dish or a bit of cash for friends who have gone all out every year in the past to host a wonderful party on their own dime. If you ask me, the guests that were offended over this are entitled douchebags. If $20 can change a years long friendship over ONE annual Christmas party, then they’re not very good friends at all. Why not just politely decline, instead of being a d**k about it? Funny how they latch on to the wording of an invitation instead of being the least bit concerned about friends who are obviously struggling. God I hate people. 😒
I'm amazed at all the people that said "YTA" and told him he was rude when they never actually read the invite. I didn't read it either, since he didn't post a copy of it, but as long as he was upfront about it being a pot luck dinner then people should expect to bring something. My response would be to ask what was needed and explain my cooking skills, or lack their of. Having a cash option for people that can't cook or don't want to doesn't seem bad. And if the idea of not getting a free meal bothers you then you just decline the invite.
In times like this all parties should be like that. The point is to get together and have some fun, right?
My hubby and I have a decent place to host an event, but monet is tight, so we often do potlucks. But we never ask for cash. And we have suggestions if asked but mostly ask for people to let us know what they want to bring. And if someone felt like they couldn't bring anything, I ask them to bring their smiling faces. It works for our friends and us.
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No idea if he is YTA or not, but another introverts' worst nightmare. Both the cats and myself would be hiding somewhere hissing and growling. Besides which, we couldn't fit 25 people into our house anyway, so it's a moot point.
Twinsies!! The OP Just Told Me I Wasn't Required To Attend, Just Going Would Drain Me!! I'm Better Staying At Home!! 🥰🥰
Load More Replies... Nothing wrong with a pot luck dinner! That way, all the cooks can show off their favorite sides or main courses or baked goods. But, instead of charging those who don’t cook, tell them that bringing something from the bakery or deli (or something) is great too. That way you’re not shaming people who aren’t great cooks or simply don’t have the time to whip up a casserole or pie to bring.
Our friends and us celebrate the 25 every year - we bring dessert or similar AND put some money in their piggy bank without being asked. I think either the wording was problematic or the guests. If you wont cook you can always buy drinks or a cake.
Yeah the $20 was a tad bit much. Asking for everyone to bring a dish is perfectly fine.
Is this a cultural thing, is this post from Britain or Canada? I’m from the U.S. and bringing some food, or if not, than help pay for the main dish seems pretty normal for any dinner party or potluck I’ve ever gone to/been invited to. I don’t understand the overwhelming amount of YTA comments. If your in a hurry and can’t get to the store beforehand, grab a few of those canned goods that you’re never gonna use from the back of the pantry and toss them in your bag. Done.
I’m in the US as well, and bringing canned goods to a potluck is absolutely NOT ok!
Load More Replies... Sounds like the guy went about it the wrong way- was too demanding and strict, and putting the price on it was definitely ahole-ish. His tone, especially in the comments, is also pretty rude- the ask was not wrong, but his expectations and wording sure were
In my country/culture it's a very standard thing that when you invite people to a dinner or party, everyone brings something or at least offers to bring something. I can't imagine people actually being offended by that.
Potlucks are common in the U.S., too. Even if it isn’t a potluck, it’s normal to ask if there is anything they’d like you to bring (or even just go ahead and bring some wine or something small). The problem is how the invitation was presented with stipulations for attendance, including requests for money in order to be welcome. That part is considered rude.
Load More Replies... I don't get the YTA comments. My work did a potluck last month. I've been to some. There are etiquette rules for potluck. One being: If you don't bring a dish/drinks, you don't eat. I guess telling guests if they don't contribute they need to bring their own food would counter the non-contributing guest's plans, thus not making sense. It would be more rude to tell them they can't eat if they forget. So the $20 thing is reasonable. Guests can bring something if $20 is too dear. Idk what OP makes, but $200 on entrees is insane to me. Does she use truffles and caviar? Potluck x-mas's are common and sometimes expected. 6 out of 27 people declining is not bad. Enjoy the time with the ones who come.
They invited 27 people. So they were expecting to feed a total of 29. $200 means they spent a little under $7 per person. Regardless, the YTA replies aren’t about them having a potluck. It’s about how they worded it as the food and money being, basically, and entry fee to attend. That part is rude. Actually, asking for them to pay the host $20 if they don’t have food to bring is crazy. They shouldn’t be asking for money like it’s a paid event, especially when what they are asking them to pay is more than double what they spent on each guest. They don’t seem to be planning to split that money with the other guests that bring food, either. They should’ve just presented it as a normal potluck dinner that was more welcoming to all, without those conditions.
Load More Replies... I often have potlucks. I usually do the main dish and have all the dishes and utensils. People seem to enjoy them and the dishes they bring get quite competitive. I also ask them to bring a take away container for leftovers. Of course there is always someone who brings a jar of pickles or store bought cookies, but that's ok. I have never asked for money.
There are a few parties in my musical and friends community that have been going on for a couple of decades at least. They're a strong part of our tradition around here. It was SHOCKING for all of us to see them stop due to COVID, but it had to be done. But these parties have ALWAYS been potluck, and if one of the hosts had been financially limited, you can be sure that others in the community would step up.
Load More Replies... Very tacky to request an admission fee. $400-$500 is a very fancy meal for home cooking for that many people (I know because it is about what I spend for New Year's Eve for about the same number). You can provide plenty good food for your acceptable budget of $200. No one is going to shame you. Sure, an especially fancy meal is a nice-to-have, but the important part is gathering together for the holidays. (Side bar: do any of your friends offer, unprompted, to bring something? Many of my invitees for various parties make this offer, even though I refuse time after time (we do a BYOB is all). If none of your friends do, out of 25, they are a generally a tacky group as well.)
Right idea, wrong way of accomplishing the desired outcome. It would have been better to present the invitation as a potluck, presenting suggestions as to what to bring. Real friends would be on board with this.
Potluck is great idea. If your providing the main dish just let them know your providing the meat, utensils, ice, and other things. Let them know: salads, deserts, veggies, chips & dip, drinks, sauces, etc are needed. If the invite is through email or text do a group and let them sign up for their desired contribution. Those who don't cook could bring treats they pick up. Or they could offer to go in with someone and share the cost of ingredients for a dish. I promise you there will be more than enough food. Is there a theme for the evening? Potluck was great idea it was just the tone that dampened the festivities.
The way they worded it sucks a lot. I was team NTA until I got the "stipulations" and charging 20 bucks. If they would have just said "this year we're doing the party pot luck style" I doubt there would have been as much of a fuss
I don't know how anyone could think this person is NTA. I can tell by thr way it is written that the way they went about it lacked tact and was entitled. Easily could've just said the party was a potluck and that if anyone couldn't cook or bring a dish that items like ice, utensils, etc. would be appreciated. Otherwise, don't host a party if money is that tight. Sounds all around just entitled to me
he should have asked his wife for help wording the invites b/c he's clearly dumb about wording. His way was tacky af but making it a pot luck would have been so much easier. If you asked me to give you $20 to come to your house for anything, I'd tell you we're not coming. If you asked if we wanted to come for a pot luck, I'd ask what I could make. Huge difference.
I agree with that. OP is an AH for that comment for sure.
Load More Replies... Slight YTA. Forcing everyone to bring something in a potluck is kind of an AH thing to do. A lot of people might also not have the funds or the time to cook. But I guess it's just our culture that not everyone is required to bring something to the potluck so it's weird for me to see people requiring others to bring something or not attend.
Christ… this sounds like a pretty bog standard do in Australia. The concept of turning up to a party WITHOUT bringing something to contribute is more out of line than the reverse. My Bestie and I have sat down for many a planning sesh to work out what we want to cater and for how many… then we will send out the invites and what we want people to bring. IE: We’re supplying the meat… so… Bob & Carol can you get the bread rolls Ed & Shelley, can you whip up a salad Deena can you grab some soft drink Todd & Ang… fancy making your famous Pav? If anyone can’t for whatever reason bring something generally people will throw some cash into the ‘pot’ for any last minute additions
WHY invite them at all?? If they object, then they are not true friends.
The way OP skipped over the entire point of the 1st comment and was a bit rude about the plates and napkins part, makes me think YTA
I Just Wish He Came At This Differently. Probably Just Stated That They Were Having A Potluck This Year And They Would Appreciate It If Everyone Would Partake. Instead, He Just Made A Negotiation Like An Event As Someone Mentioned: Bring A Food Dish Or Pay $20 To Enter. My Family Have Always Struggled Financially And Didn't Even Have A Car For Many Years Growing Up. It Would Take A Lot Just For Us To Show Up. This OP Already Responded To Someone Saying That Possibly Bringing Other Things Like Ice Or Plastic Utensils Are NOT Essentials And They Already Cover It. So That's Out Of The Question. I Guess Also Helping Set Up And Clean Up Is Unacceptable And Unappreciated Either?? I Would Kindly Decline. But It's Sad That This Is Also Sent To Family Members And Friends, And Not Only Co-Workers. 🤔 🤔 (We Would Have Also Probably Just Bought A Little Something From Any Store, Since That Equals Entry. Not That My Mom Can't Cook (She's An Ex-Chef), But We're Hispanic. Potlucks Aren't Common In Our Household. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤔🤔)
27 people were invited. Of that number, 6 people questioned this decision. And by question, it looks more like a burst of entitlement, for a lack of a better word. ONLY 6 declined! Tell me what the other 21 people said about paying $20 fee for NOT bringing a Potluck dish? Seems to me you could bring a $5 Pastry or a few bottles of soda to forgo the fee. It's NOT Humiliation to ask for help! For some reason, we all need help!
Had a SIL who could not cook she even said it. She bought the brown and serve rolls. Every one knew it and was fine with it.
That could have been handled so much better, so yeah YTA - you don't tell guests to bring food or money. You let everyone know you will be doing pot luck this year and ask them to bring a dish to share. In my family, the host makes the main entree and then requests dishes for the rest of us to bring: ie: brother cooked the turkey and makes a nice salad & sauteed green beans, I bring deviled eggs, mashed potatoes & stuffing (and usually one or two other things because I love to cook), stepmom brings the homemade pies with vanilla ice cream and heavy cream for whipping, homemade cranberry relish and usually a fruit salad, sister brings her homemade yeast rolls and any vegan foods they want (tofurkey, for instance). No one complains and no one EVER goes hungry.
Definitions are important: pot luck means guests get whatever you happen to have on hand. Covered-dish supper is an event in which each guests contributes. Money is never requested at either. Food brought can be home made or store bought.
I don't think your motive and/ or thinking was wrong... but I do think your execution of it was. I think what I would have done is just inform everyone that you would not be hosting the party this year due to rising costs etc...and when everyone complained - you then could suggest a potluck and see if they wanted to go that route. BONUS- Then you can see if they really wanted to get together with you or if they wanted to be fed. HOWEVER.... charging for a plate is distasteful.
People don’t realise how much it costs to host a party. Not just money but the time and effort it takes for a large amount of people to be entertained. The alcohol alone costs hundreds. We have a pot luck style boxing night party but it still costs a lot. That said the same people come to us on New Year’s Eve and we foot the lot and now it’s become expected even though the numbers have grown but we are expected to pay for all food and alcohol, including breakfast when loads still over. With the costs of living being so high I would love it if people chipped in more. If someone was offended by the wording then pick up the phone and talk about it, don’t just ignore it when they’ve hosted many times before. Agree that the money thing was distasteful but I do understand their frustration. I would like to scale ours down but my other half refuses so I just have to accept that we will spend several hundred pounds hosting others over the holidays!
If it's going to be potluck, it needs to be a true potluck. As in, they cannot be handing out assignments and vetting dishes as worthy or unwanted before hand. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit with potlucks. So that is strike one. Strike two is the super rude and demanding way they charged an admission fee. They basically preemptively accused people of mooching. The third strike is not accepting the no's and pushing until they got the answers they didn't want to hear. And the final sweep is that, if they couldn't afford it, they should have had the party they could afford. Such as a less expensive menu, or swapping to snacks and finger foods instead of a full meal.
Not vetting, coordinating. You don't need 4 green bean casseroles.
Load More Replies... I honestly can't imagine getting together with friends for a meal/party WITHOUT a potluck. Whether it's a Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Solstice, New Years, or just a bunch of professional colleagues, friends, or musicians (where I live there's a big musical community), we ALWAYS have potluck. I would fell weird, in fact, to go to a place where someone provided all the food themselves. A very different culture from what I'm used to. The only problem with OP is that clearly he and his SO aren't used to having potlucks, and worded the invitation awkwardly and possibly rudely. But if I were one of the potential guests, I'd have contacted them and asked what they'd like for us to bring.
I was a bit taken aback by this person's fancy ego - their "soiree", really? Or was that sarcasm? Because it didn't feel like it. Just call it a potluck - but I have a feeling they'd think that was beneath them.
Your tone makes YTA, both in the original post and in your brusque answers. It's never ok to ask guests for money or to demand they bring something. Just calling the event a pot-luck would have implied the expectation to bring something. No need to be so heavy-handed in the invitation. Instead of buying the paper plates, ice, and drinks yourself, you should have saved those for the pot-luck guests who cannot cook, or who live in an apartment that is just too small to produce a side dish that serves 27 people. You could also ask for volunteers to help with cleanup in lieu of cooking something. At the very least, you should have very nicely asked people to call you to discuss what they should bring so that you don't end up with 25 people showing up with mashed potatoes. You could even set this up on social media, using a Facebook poll to list the items you need for the party, and each person could click on the poll selection to reserve the thing they want to bring.
Our family always had holidays at our house, because we had more room. Mom would fix the main dishes like turkey, mash potatoes, etc. and everyone brought a dish of their favorite food. We always had a big crowd. Everyone enjoyed themselves and no money was exchanged. We had plenty to drink, lots of deserts and the food was great. I miss those days. Most of my family is passed now and scattered. The memories are wonderful.
Well, you may have crossed the line when you asked for money in lieu of bringing a covered dish. You could have designed the invitation in a more positive manner and I think people would have completely enjoyed the change to a potluck affair. The whole invite with “stipulations” looks abrupt and rude. So, if you’ve held this party for a number of years and want to continue, I think you may need to reach out and apologize for how your words came across, drop any “requirements” for coming but stick with the potluck theme. Then, if things don’t work out well this year you can choose not to have a party next year. Bottom line, YTA, but you can redeem yourself.
I think they're victims of their own success: Once the party goes a few years, people expect a free meal of a certain standard, and all the effort. If you change it to pay-or-potluck it's suddenly random food from less experienced cooks (plus money or effort to attend)... so all the freeloaders are unhappy. They've kind of worked themselves into a corner. Asking for money is very reasonable (be upfront with costs), but it's a bit awkward to stamp it onto the invitation.
What’s wrong with a potluck party among friends?? Apparently these hosts have picked up the entire tab every year to make a special party for their friends.This year they’re struggling & can’t afford to do what they’ve done in the past. Personally, if I were a guest, I would not be offended at all, and would happily bring a dish or a bit of cash for friends who have gone all out every year in the past to host a wonderful party on their own dime. If you ask me, the guests that were offended over this are entitled douchebags. If $20 can change a years long friendship over ONE annual Christmas party, then they’re not very good friends at all. Why not just politely decline, instead of being a d**k about it? Funny how they latch on to the wording of an invitation instead of being the least bit concerned about friends who are obviously struggling. God I hate people. 😒
I'm amazed at all the people that said "YTA" and told him he was rude when they never actually read the invite. I didn't read it either, since he didn't post a copy of it, but as long as he was upfront about it being a pot luck dinner then people should expect to bring something. My response would be to ask what was needed and explain my cooking skills, or lack their of. Having a cash option for people that can't cook or don't want to doesn't seem bad. And if the idea of not getting a free meal bothers you then you just decline the invite.
In times like this all parties should be like that. The point is to get together and have some fun, right?
My hubby and I have a decent place to host an event, but monet is tight, so we often do potlucks. But we never ask for cash. And we have suggestions if asked but mostly ask for people to let us know what they want to bring. And if someone felt like they couldn't bring anything, I ask them to bring their smiling faces. It works for our friends and us.
Load More Replies... No idea if he is YTA or not, but another introverts' worst nightmare. Both the cats and myself would be hiding somewhere hissing and growling. Besides which, we couldn't fit 25 people into our house anyway, so it's a moot point.
Twinsies!! The OP Just Told Me I Wasn't Required To Attend, Just Going Would Drain Me!! I'm Better Staying At Home!! 🥰🥰
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