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Man Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Vegan Girlfriend That I Will Not Stop Using Butter?”
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Man Asks “[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My Vegan Girlfriend That I Will Not Stop Using Butter?”

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You can be in love with a person, have fun spending time with them and find it interesting to talk with them, but it’s the little things from daily routines that can put a damper on the whole relationship and make you question your future together.

For this man on Reddit, it is cooking food. He and his girlfriend take turns, but she is completely vegan and he isn’t, so cooking for one another causes arguments and the boyfriend thinks his girlfriend shouldn’t complain about his dishes when it’s his turn to cook.

This couple takes disagreeing on what to eat to another level and needs the internet’s opinion

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Because one of them is vegan and the other is not, although the non-vegan boyfriend tries to adjust to his girlfriend as much as he can

Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

The one thing he can’t give up in his cooked meals is butter, but the problem is that they cook for each other alternating days

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Image credits: Felicity Tai (not the actual photo)

Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

So the vegan girlfriend can’t eat her boyfriend’s cooked meals, but if he doesn’t cook non-vegan meals, then he is kind of forced into a vegan diet

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Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)

Image credits: u/Lemon Lopsided3498

He thinks that he has given up enough of the foods he likes because of his girlfriend and feels it’s not fair to be expected to cook without butter

When the Original Poster (OP) started to date his girlfriend, she was vegetarian and during their relationship, she became vegan and now does not make any exceptions. The boyfriend is not vegan or vegetarian, and though most of the time he avoids meat, he’ll eat it on holidays. He will actually avoid animal products in general because of his girlfriend, but he still eats eggs and dairy products.

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As the couple takes turns cooking for one another, this becomes an issue as indirectly, the OP is forced to be a vegan because when his girlfriend cooks, she’ll prepare vegan dishes and when the boyfriend cooks, he can’t use anything that is not vegan so the woman can eat it.

But there is one non-vegan product that the man can’t stop using and it is butter. He has reduced his animal-derived product intake significantly since he started dating his girlfriend and was upset that she would force him to quit using butter as well.

To that, the girlfriend responds that the OP is not respecting her choice to be vegan because that means she can’t eat butter and he puts it in his meals that he prepares for both of them.

It’s hard to call someone in this situation a jerk because it is true that the girlfriend made an ethical choice to get rid of anything that is animal-derived in her life and consuming butter would be going against her values.

On the other hand, you can’t force someone else into your lifestyle, but the boyfriend doesn’t get to eat any meat or animal products neither when he cooks nor when the girlfriend cooks.

People in the comments suggested both of them cook for themselves, which would end the argument, but some of them also thought that the couple might not be compatible. Although most of them were on the boyfriend’s side, because they felt that the girlfriend consciously or unconsciously was forcing him to be vegan.

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Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)

Faunalytics describes a relationship in which only one of the partners is vegan “a unique dynamic.” It is because a lot of couples see having a meal, especially dinner, together as “significant in affirming their identity as a couple and nurturing the relationship.”

But even when both of the spouses are non-vegan, they tend to have disagreements over what to eat. Caron Bove’s research showed that there is that one partner in a marriage who compromises more than the other, and it is more often the woman, despite women doing most of the food work.

So you can imagine how hard it is for those couples in which one of them has dietary restrictions, whether it’s by choice or necessity. But there is a chance to make the relationship work and avoid arguments over food.

Insider collected a few tips that should help love and respect overshadow food differences, and they start from advising couples to not judge one another because nutrition is extremely personal. Which is why you also can’t force someone to be vegan, because it will lead to conflict unless they are already interested.

When it comes to eating out, you should find places that cater to both of your diets, and if you cook together and want to eat the same dish, there are recipes that can easily be both vegan and non-vegan alike by substituting something.

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Also, there are so many foods that you wouldn’t think are vegan by the nature of them, like Oreos. Cookies are something you can enjoy together whether you’re vegan or not. What could also help is allowing the vegan partner to eat out with vegan friends and talk about their lifestyle with those who are living the same experience as them.

And no relationship advice list can be complete without mentioning communication: “If you feel like your partner isn’t taking you to restaurants that have vegan options, let them know. If they feel like you’re forcing them to adopt the diet, they should also let you know. At the end of the day, it’s only food — what’s important is that you and your partner work together to make it work for both of you.”

Do you think the couple in the story can work it out? Do you think they have more problems than just their shared dinners? How would you solve their dilemma? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Many people interpreted the girlfriend’s behavior as trying to force her boyfriend to be vegan and thought the most simple solution would be to cook separately

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junebugjump avatar
Junebugjump!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This seems like a growing trend... and the newest type of mixed 'marriage.' I like that he's eating eggs from chickens raised at home. I've had conflict with vegan friends over this. Why? The chickens lay eggs daily anyway. They're not fertilized, so they're not going to develop into chickens. My chickens were pets that fed me. No abuse. Had free range all day in the yard. Went to the vet and deeply loved.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two arguments I’ve heard. One is that it puts a strain on the chicken to lay the many eggs. The other is that in egg production half of the animals are males and are killed as they can’t lay eggs. You are right as a private person with your own chickens you can make sure the animals are treated well.

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laurahelario avatar
Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Simple solution, they still cook every other day for two, but the second meal will be for their own dinner the next day. That way she eats her fresh cooked vegan meal while he eats his leftover butter meal, then the next day he has a fresh meal, she has leftovers. They each still cook every other day and they each eat what they want.

zanemathewsallen avatar
crowspectre (he/they)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oooh I like this one. It's complicated. I'd go with both ESH and NAH. GF shouldn't be forcing OP to change their eating and cooking habits, but OP shouldn't be making GF eat butter (violating her morals) or eat nothing (unhealthy). Neither is incredibly s****y here, which is great. The best option should be GF making her own smaller meals when OP makes non-vegan meals, and maybe OP making vegan meals occasionally to take the pressure off her with cooking.

spaldingmonn avatar
Spalding Monn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have been a vegetarian since I was 19 so for many decades. I'm not a vegan by choice because I love my butter and eggs ( amd my dairy.) I never ask anyone to compromise their diet to accommodate me... particularly my meat eating partner and two children. I make vegatarian food at the same time.as i feed my family. No big deal. They've had many vegatarian meals but never forced to. The vegan sounds manipulative and immature. If you do stay together then I strongly recommend you each cook for yourselves. However, I think that OP should just drop this dead wood. You're beliefs aren't being respected.

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rosebroady8 avatar
Livingwithcfs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. This trend to becoming a militant vegan is just so over the top and extremely unnecessary. If she is that worried about then she should cook her own meals. I became vegetarian aged 15 and cooked all my own meals from that date because my family didn't want to follow me. It's my problem so it's up to me to fix it. That was 40 years ago and I've never had issues cooking my food when others are making meals they like and sharing what I cook. Its call being a grown up

arglebargle avatar
Argle Bargle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Now that's the outlook. We're all responsible for our own choices......which, sadly, is turning into "I think this way, so you need to change"

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colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The comments are so silly. "She can't force you to be vegan but if you rotate cooking then you should both cook something to meet the others dietary restrictions." So then we are forcing him to go vegan because every meal he makes has to be vegan for her and shes obviously always going to make a vegan meal.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I personally don’t think their relationship can be saved even cooking separately. I see your point though. But what if it was dog meat? To me at lot of people seem baffled because they don’t understand what could be the problem with eating or preparing or having someone else eat non-vegan meals. So I suggest let’s think dog meat and see if it changes the perception. But also I don’t really have this problem personally and neither have you I guess, so it’s a bit theoretical.

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colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And anyone who is saying "just add the butter after" knows nothing about cooking... Butter is used for more than just spreading on toast or potatoes lmao

kalpanam avatar
Kalpana M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cook separate meals. Have what u love eating. Simple. GF is free to accept vegan lifestyle and follow diligently. OP needn't force himself to change his dietary requirements more than he has done. Definitely it pricks if only one of them has to change everything while the other has nothing to lose anyway. Don't cook shared meals or split cooking. Then nobody suffers.

stayoffmylawn_1 avatar
Stay Off My Lawn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Veganism is a *choice*. If you don’t want to eat what someone else cooks for you *for free*, cook for yourself.

censorshipsucks12 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Still unfair to force her to use an animal product. I'm not a vegan but I support their choice 100%. I am always impressed by their moral commitment to their principles.

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kylenorton avatar
Kyle Norton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His GF made the decision to be vegan overnight. I feel like that alone counters out any argument for OP being the AH given she just dumped this on him and he did his best to accommodate without any conversation about it. She's the problem here and needs to really think about what she wants from this and why she's doing it then both need to have a sit down and figure this out. Especially given that OP seems to have already been raising animals so all signs point to her jumping on a random diet and forcing OP to change his diet/ cooking habits for her. Sounds like if she wants to continue down this road then OP and her will probably not be compatible.

freaky-lil-phycopath avatar
Keadeen Murphy
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nobody decides to go vegan over night. Vegetarian yes. But being vegan, paticulary a healthy vegan, requires a lot of thought and planning. I have to imagine that it was something she thought about for a long time, and reserched before jumping into it. It really sounds like communication is the bigger issue here. The fact he didn't know she wanted to go vegan means it feels like an overnight decision to him. I don't think he needs to give up all animal prodects, but they need to then each just cook for themselves, or he could try accommodate her some of the time and give her a heads up on days he is planning on using butter or eggs. She should also be willing to accept that she may need to cook more for herself, or take over more cooking in general.

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clairetmann59 avatar
Claire Trautmann
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She can double what she makes on her cooking days and eat leftovers on his cooking days. He can then eat what ever the hell he wants

rens_1 avatar
Rens
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a friend who claims to be vegetarian but she eats chicken and fish... She has made comments about the food and I cook and I totally ignore her. I couldn't be vegan even if I wanted to, because a lot of the vegan foods are highly processed, or contain soy/ legumes/ pulses etc I have a lot of food intolerances.

andydouglass_1 avatar
Best Behave
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

@rens which vegan foods are processed? Mushrooms? Legumes, greens? If you choose to only eat processed foods whether vegan or not (especially if not as it happens) you’re going to end up in ill health. If you have intolerance you need to eat a diet compatible so.

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sci_fi_rocks avatar
Liz Clarke
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a vegan, and my boyfriend's a pescetarian, we take turns cooking and all our shared meals are vegan as we can both eat them. He frequently has things with animal products that I don't eat, and I don't care as his diet is his choice. This man seems to be trying to make his girlfriend not be a vegan, but she doesn't seem to be making him a vegan as there were no mention of her trying to stop him eat all animal products.

zanemathewsallen avatar
crowspectre (he/they)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah. They're both being a bit stubborn and the GF is kinda lazy to try and change the way the BF cooks his own food instead of just making her own food for her specialized diet, but the way some people are reacting is insane. This is incredibly minor (also GF does appear to be trying to change the way BF eats, because the only non-vegan meals heats are his own and she's trying to make those vegan too)

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caseymcalister avatar
Casey McAlister
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just cook for themselves. That's the only compromise that doesn't require OP giving up on foods he likes or GF making exceptions in her strict vegan diet.

bellebeasleymiles avatar
Belle Miles
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Rich people disorder. These people would be dead weight in a survival situation. Imagine the money these two spend everyday on food.

viccig avatar
V
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was pregnant I couldn't eat meat, so my husband would just put meat on his plate. Our kid can't have dairy products, so we just add butter to our plates if we really want to have it. It's really not hard to accommodate the people you love.

bonnieboas avatar
Bonnie Boas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It isn't cool to just expect someone else to cut out all the things they love to eat just because of someone's preference, though. Food allergies are one thing, my husband and I both have Celiac disease, but replacing wheat isn't that hard. Expecting a boyfriend to stop eating all meat and animal products requires a major lifestyle adjustment and she didn't start the relationship as a vegan, she was a vegetarian. She's being unreasonable in my opinion.

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blue1steven avatar
Donkey boi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone that is a meat eater, I feel that while he has made an effort, I've still got to go with, YTA. I get that there needs to be a transition period, but to you can't make a meal that's "mostly vegan". It either is or it isn't. I would suggest a discussion about her vegan values, her reasons for becoming vegan as that can help you discuss limitations. For example, some vegans eat honey and others don't. If the reason is ethical, it might be worth discussing limitations and ensuring that you use ethical sourced goods.

justinsmith_1 avatar
Justin Smith
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But her believing that he should be forced ti make vegan food for both of them is wrong. He shouldnt have to change what he wants to make and eat cause she won't eat it

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amyshereikis avatar
Karly Marx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agoodso who used "if she was Jewish" to basically say that OP is an a*****e is the a*****e. Lol. SHES NOT JEWISH! It's not a religious choice. Not saying her choice is any less valid. But it's not the same thing dude. She's the AH because he's compromising 100% without any compromise from her. He doesn't want to eat vegan food! Yet he is. BECAUSE OF HER & ONLY BECAUSE OF HER! She has literally cornered him & forced him to be 99.9999% vegan against his wishes. Now she's complaining that he's using butter. Why can't that be her one compromise when he's compromised at literally Every turn? Or she can cook for herself. Next she's going to say he can't use butter in their home & can't even make meat for himself when she's not eating. That commenter really said "she's making food you can eat but you're not making food she can eat" no. She's forcing him to eat food he doesn't want to eat because she thinks her choices are more important than hers. Also I'm vegan! I don't even agree with her

kayrose avatar
RoanTheMad
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

imo there's great substitutes for butter (in the UK there's one called vitalite which is actually great for baking, not as sure about sauces etc yet though) but honestly, if he wants to cook his own meals using butter, that's up to him. Though if he's outright refusing to make his gf any alternative, then yes, he is a bit of an a*s. that said, maybe they could just stick to cooking their own meals?

jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Country Crock makes a vegan butter that tastes just like real butter, and it literally only costs a few cents more. The guy is just be over dramatic in my opinion

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myronmog avatar
moggie63
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Vegan insists on only cooking vegan meals, despite what he would prefer. When he cooks she insists on vegan meals only. Inflexible and overbearing.

mosher2001 avatar
Matt Mosher
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's complaining that he's not being respectful of the fact she's vegan. In reality he's made a bunch of changes for her and she isn't being respectful of the fact he isnt vegan. Nta. This is my worst nightmare when it comes to relationships. I can deal with a vegetarian but a vegan is a deal breaker.

toriohno avatar
tori Ohno
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nope, nope, and nope again. You two aren't compatible. Either she drops her veganazi attitude, or you two need to split up. It's obviously her way or no way. That's not a relationship, it's a dictatorship.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Vegetarians may be so solely for health reasons. So if the bf didn’t share her choice that would then be no worse than she is exercising while he is a couch potato. Vegans make their choice based on ethics which is different. I don’t think you can overcome that difference long term. You have a fundamental disagreement about right and wrong and for her it is so important that she changed her life to become vegan. I’d say it’s irrelevant who’s right or wrong. This relationship cannot survive.

gwensandau avatar
Gwen Sandau
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My niece has so many food sensitivities, she's gone from vegetarian to vegan. She did not give up the foods happy, though.

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joehurd avatar
Joe Hurd
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I worked at a place that just for staff required stupid amount of dietary variations. Vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian, keto, etc etc etc essentially had to create individual meals for each staff member every day and whenever I'd ask them to give me specific ideas of what they wanted it was always same answer "make whatever" and then they'd always complain about not getting things they liked. I despise your diets after working at that place, either shut up and eat what I made (multiple options) or just stfu is how I feel about diets. Religious and medical restrictions are fine but the rest can gtfo

hypoxia avatar
jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a vegan, I'd like to say that I am perfectly healthy medically. You don't get all your proteins from animal products my guy, just most of them

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miss_butterfly89 avatar
Jodi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm not vegan but my dad is and if I make him cakes I use stork butter block and it tastes the same as normal stork

mattr_3 avatar
Matt R
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The key with this one is it was an overnight decision. So no way it is okay to randomly decide that your S.O. has to wholesale change their diet and cooking habits and be appeased. When you make a decision like that, the actual compromise is a willingness to take the entire physical and emotional load of choosing what you eat and cooking it. You want to go vegan? Then the trade off is you now do all the cooking. Anything less is not a compromise, but instead a demand. The whole attempt try to compare it to religious choices doesn't fly as those are life long commitments that were known before cohabitation began.

censorshipsucks12 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

hmm so not a vegan myself but I respect the moral commitment to it. I realise people will downvote this but I'm going with a mixed response here. 1. If she decided to be vegan - even if just suddenly overnight - then she must do the cooking to ensure it complies with her standards, because he'd have to learn a whole new way of cooking in order to comply, meaning, her choice would put a big workload on him. HOWEVER, 2, butter is an animal product made mostly in mass farms which involve cows having miserable living conditions. So, if her reason is moral, butter is also a no-no because it involves moral compromise. A bit like saying "i love animals" and yet thinking it's ok to eat cows but not say, dogs. If you are actually committed to a position then commit. If your PARTNER is committed to a position - even if it's new - then support them. IF he doesn't want to compromise any further then they must just cook separate meals. It's not a big deal to do that.

annadykens avatar
Anna Dykens
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Veganism is a dietary preference that is not for everyone for different reasons. So no I don't think he's a jerk for sticking with his preferences, but I would recommend dividing whatever you make into two. In this case he can add meat, eggs and dairy to one half while keeping the other fully vegan to help both of them in being happy.

lee-gracej avatar
Ohnauuur
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She went vegan overnight, expected him to completely change his cooking to accommodate her, guilt trips him when he doesn't meet her ridiculous demands, and people here still think he's the AH lol. Vegans smh

claytonj23 avatar
Jennifer Clayton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Veganism isn't just about diet. It's very much like your partner converting to a different religion than you. It isn't about food it's about beliefs.It isn't compromising on a chore but sacrificing beliefs when each side tries to come together. You need to ask if she can accept you, for the long haul, if you're not going to be vegan. Everyone deserves to know if their partner seeks to change them.

della99999 avatar
della99999
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Try a good olive for a butter sub, sunflower lecithin can help with emulsification. Also, not eating animal products is a deeply personal conscientious choice that is at the very core of a person. You can't compete with that. Just add some butter to your own dish at the end of preparing it vegan. And stop keeping score in the "who gives up what" department. Just my thoughts on being happy in this arrangement.

laurahelario avatar
Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Often, when cooking with butter, you don't just add it at the end, it goes in at different points. For example, the pot pie, he might sauté the veggies and protein in butter, make a roux with butter for the gravy, and use butter in the crust. Using butter at all these points adds flavor, and possibly texture, you cant get from a substitute. He certainly doesn't add butter to the pot pie at the end like he's buttering a baked potato.

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anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you're airing out your dirty laundry for something this petty, yeah you are an a-hole. And you're in a doomed relationship so just end it now and get over with it.

deborahrubin avatar
Deborah Rubin
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Leave her. She won't stop niggling at you about this. Don't give in. This was not a consideration arrived over time, but a whim. Do you really want to deal with all sorts of things? Sounds like veganism is a fad.

eeng avatar
E Eng
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it depends on the situation, if the vegan is demanding no butter at all but if he is cooking for the two of them and that was the plan, then he should try to make something that they both can eat

arglebargle avatar
Argle Bargle
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dump her. It's only going to get worse. The day I change my eating habits due to someone else's choices will be the proverbial 'cold day in hell'

jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Bp, stop with these articles. Just. Please. Freaking. Stop.

daniel_j_johnson avatar
Dan Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I commonly make two versions of the same meal for my significant other and I. Basically the same dish but I finish in two pans. IF you're willing to make a dish that she is able to eat (her portion without butter), AND she's willing to to make a dish that satisfies your tastes (your portion with butter) then NAH. If you're willing to accommodate her but she won't accommodate you then NTA, but if she'll accommodate you but you're unwilling to make a vegan dish for her then YTA. Or cook your own food.

ljdia avatar
Liv
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it's veganism for the sake of the animal, and there's this special recipe my love wants to cook for me, I'd have eaten (when I was vegan) - as long as it were organic free-pasture etc.

royalstray avatar
Royal Stray
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tbh I'm wondering what kind of vegan butter she wants to use. I used to be allergic to milk so I used plant based butter and now when my allergy is gone I use "normal" butter again, there's pretty much no difference in the creaminess. I would understand it more if it was a taste issue, but there's stuff with very little textural difference. I really don't get how butter is the breaking point but he'll eat fake chicken, now there's a difference. The only logical solution is that they just cook their own meals, or make the base together but then make their own smaller portions with their own ingredients from that base. (like they cook pasta and sauce but use different proteins when they plate up)

michellec0581 avatar
Michelle C
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cheese & crackers...this chick must be hot AF to give up eating meat over..I myself would refuse to compromise

boredpandasucks_2 avatar
BoredPandaSucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

if the ONLY thing that prevents her form being able to eat his food is butter, then if he values her at all, he can find a substitution that he will be ok with. not sure if that makes him an A-hole or not, but c'mon.. otherwise try a fend for yourself arrangement on making meals and cut out the reason for the bickering about meal prep altogether.

katokatt avatar
Aboredpanda
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's childish to me that butter is the hill he's willing to die on, when there are several great vegan butter alternatives that actually taste like real butter (I should know, I can't eat dairy made from cow's milk). In reality this is him protesting making vegan food. He should grow up and say he doesn't want to accomodate her anymore as it goes too much against what he himself wants to eat. And the vegan partner will just have to deal. Or they compromise by making two meals together, sharing the cooking every day. Or make separate meals. Or several dishes where some are vegan. Etc. Both of them are being too rigid.

ladyshiva87 avatar
Mirabelle Stonegate
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just because you like the alternatives doesn't mean everyone else will. I don't like vegan butter. It just tastes wrong to me. If I'm cooking something that calls for butter, it has to be proper irish butter. Nothing else.

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dannamarim avatar
InvincibleRodent
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not budging from using butter as a cooking fat is a weird hill to die on. There are literally so many other great, plant-based cooking fats, and many of them are arguably better for a variety of dishes- seriously, I have four different ones just chilling on my counter at any given time, and I'm not even vegetarian. I'm sensing that on OP's part, this is not about the butter: this conflict has been brewing in him for a while, he's likely been more resistant to this dietary change than he lets on, and it feels like the butter is just the scapegoat, a "last straw", for that resentment over him being asked to compromise on something about which she seems to have thought they were in agreement.. This is going to end the relationship, and this guy is making it (tbh, I think unjustly) sound like it's her veganism's fault.

andrewmcloughlin avatar
Andrew McLoughlin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If my friend said he didn't like pasta, and I invited him over for dinner, serving fusili instead of spaghetti would still be a d**k move. Eat whatever you want on your own time, but if you're cooking for someone, make something they're going to enjoy. Simple as.

audreymalone avatar
Audrey Malone
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They're both A holes. She's trying to force him to be vegan, and he's trying to force her to eat butter.

postvoorly avatar
hobbitly
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Who says she is forcing him? From what Im reading here: if he cooks for her, her part must be vegan. She isnt saying he also has to eat vegan all the time.

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cedricbillemont avatar
Cédric Billemont
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't date a vegan if you are not willing to embrace the whole thing. Veganism is a way of life that accept no compromise. BTW NAH 100% in the grand scheme of compromise of living together. You have already done enough and probably too much because you are in love. Ditch her of you want to have a normal life, t'she will become your jail warden the ret of your life if you don't move on......

suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a bigger issue of respect, it is irrelevant that it's vegan, it could be anything. Don't do anything behind a persons back that you know they would not want or like. NB I am vegan and if this was done to me I'd be furious and they would be an ex-whatever they are!!!!!

iloveskamp avatar
zedrapazia avatar
Zedrapazia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's usually the little chain symbol at the bottom right. Don't know if there's one here tho

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suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a Vegan this to me is an issue, mainly because it shows a lack of respect. Nowadays there are many butter replacements that taste like butter. Ultimately if my partner insisted on using a product I didn't want (for any reason) I would question the relationship X

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a non vegan this is an issue to me. Mainly because it shows lack of respect. Nowadays all people are capable of making their own meals to meat their own specific dietary needs.

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johndoe_58 avatar
JOHN DOE
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His whole premise is based on the non-existence of good butter substitutes. I haven't cooked with butter for over a decade. Any butter substitute will taster far better than any meat substitute. His issue isn't flavor it's the control and that is a far deeper issue. But blowing a good thing over butter is just plain dumb.

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What about the GF's control? She's essentially saying everything cooked here will be vegan since she says he has to and we already know every meal she makes is gonna be vegan... You over focus on a small detail and try to make something more of it... The man just wants to eat his own food.

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Lousha
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not "splitting the cooking" if she cooks things for the both of them and he cooks for himself only. Substitute "being a vegan" for "doesn't like" and then try to ask with a straight face if you're TA if you only cook meals with the one ingredient your partner hates and you know they won't eat, and present it as "cooking for the two of us" . The partner being vegan is not the issue here. If you're cooking to share and you're using something you know the other one won't eat for any reason, that you're a d***, end of. As for compromising, that is not possible with everything. You can't be sort of, kind of, a little bit vegan. I'm not one but I can understand that someone either is one or isn't. Imagine telling a recovering alcoholic that there's only a little bit of brandy in that "virgin" cocktail, so they should get over themselves and not be a baby about it, just drink it. Or telling the person who hates coconut with a passion that you've only sprinkled a little on top of the cake so it shouldn't matter. And one last thing, if you can't substitute butter to your satisfaction, how about cooking meals that don't require it in the first place? Only a few billion of such recipes out there.

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is such a bad take. Firstly the GF cooks vegan meals so she's not cooking meals for both of them rather just herself. Secondly the GF used to only be vegetarian and loved the meals BF made with butter... but overnight one day she switches to full vegan and butter is the devil. And one last thing, he doesn't use butter in everything, he specifically said only in his creamy dishes like chicken pot pie... which hes being forced to use fake chicken

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rosieetike avatar
Tyke
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Butter in his meals every other night... I'd be worried about his cholesterol levels. And as a dairy eater... he's the AH.

anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love cooking with butter too, but in everything? Ew! Health concerns aside, most savoury foods (ie dinner type meals) are kinda gross with butter. Olive oil is definitely better imo. Worse case, coconut oil is pretty tasty too

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sophieadele1 avatar
Sillypants
Community Member
1 year ago

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This is so lame. Sounds like she is just asking you to respect her choice to not use animal products when cooking. Add butter to your own meal. Eat a lush steak with your pals! Suggest cooking your own meals! If you're going to be asking an online forum for advice on butter and broccoli, what's going to happen when you're faced with something more serious in your relationship.

andydouglass_1 avatar
Best Behave
Community Member
1 year ago

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This is fairly straight forward. There is nothing she cooks that you can't eat. There are some things you cook which she can't. You aren't really compromising - if you say "I'll cook you something" but then insist on including stuff that she won't eat, you aren't cooking her anything. Unless she is actually demanding that you also become vegan (I'm not sure that she is, unless I missed it), she's not being out of order, all she's doing is maintianing her own boundaries. Fine, don't cook her anything. However I feel that unless you can get over this weird obsession that every single meal you cook must include butter, and you can't possibly cook anything without it, I feel that your obstinacy will end your relationship.

ambrypetersen avatar
Ambry Petersen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not so much that she can't eat it as she won't eat it. She gets to eat her favorite meals all the time, and OP almost never gets to eat the things he likes. Being in a relationship is about two people not just the wishes of one person. You have to work together, and you have to compromise, each has to give. It sounds like OP has given an awful lot and she refuses to give an inch, that's not a healthy relationship. It's okay to have some boundries, but it is never okay to force them on other people. My husband and I don't always like each others cooking, but we eat it anyways. He likes Anime and I don't. I don't ask him to give it up, he doesn't try to make me watch it. Op should be allowed to cook what he likes once in awhile too, it's not fair that he's only allowed to cook what she likes. Several members of my family are allergic to soy, so we have to use the real deal so they don't end up with an ER visit. For some people a vegan diet is physically not an option.

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delaneysteele_1 avatar
Biscuitbot
Community Member
1 year ago

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YTA. He doesn't like 'the vegan substitute'(SINGULAR) to butter... Tells me all I need to know. There are TONS of substitutes these days and I don't believe for one second he's tried and dislikes them all. Also, people seem to forget that veganism isn't just a 'preference', but a moral imperative. Would you ask her to compromise her morals elsewhere? Besides all that, it's just rude. If I'm sharing cooking with my boyf, I wouldn't even add an ingredient I know he just isn't fond of, never mind can't eat!

junebugjump avatar
Junebugjump!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This seems like a growing trend... and the newest type of mixed 'marriage.' I like that he's eating eggs from chickens raised at home. I've had conflict with vegan friends over this. Why? The chickens lay eggs daily anyway. They're not fertilized, so they're not going to develop into chickens. My chickens were pets that fed me. No abuse. Had free range all day in the yard. Went to the vet and deeply loved.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two arguments I’ve heard. One is that it puts a strain on the chicken to lay the many eggs. The other is that in egg production half of the animals are males and are killed as they can’t lay eggs. You are right as a private person with your own chickens you can make sure the animals are treated well.

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Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Simple solution, they still cook every other day for two, but the second meal will be for their own dinner the next day. That way she eats her fresh cooked vegan meal while he eats his leftover butter meal, then the next day he has a fresh meal, she has leftovers. They each still cook every other day and they each eat what they want.

zanemathewsallen avatar
crowspectre (he/they)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oooh I like this one. It's complicated. I'd go with both ESH and NAH. GF shouldn't be forcing OP to change their eating and cooking habits, but OP shouldn't be making GF eat butter (violating her morals) or eat nothing (unhealthy). Neither is incredibly s****y here, which is great. The best option should be GF making her own smaller meals when OP makes non-vegan meals, and maybe OP making vegan meals occasionally to take the pressure off her with cooking.

spaldingmonn avatar
Spalding Monn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have been a vegetarian since I was 19 so for many decades. I'm not a vegan by choice because I love my butter and eggs ( amd my dairy.) I never ask anyone to compromise their diet to accommodate me... particularly my meat eating partner and two children. I make vegatarian food at the same time.as i feed my family. No big deal. They've had many vegatarian meals but never forced to. The vegan sounds manipulative and immature. If you do stay together then I strongly recommend you each cook for yourselves. However, I think that OP should just drop this dead wood. You're beliefs aren't being respected.

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rosebroady8 avatar
Livingwithcfs
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. This trend to becoming a militant vegan is just so over the top and extremely unnecessary. If she is that worried about then she should cook her own meals. I became vegetarian aged 15 and cooked all my own meals from that date because my family didn't want to follow me. It's my problem so it's up to me to fix it. That was 40 years ago and I've never had issues cooking my food when others are making meals they like and sharing what I cook. Its call being a grown up

arglebargle avatar
Argle Bargle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Now that's the outlook. We're all responsible for our own choices......which, sadly, is turning into "I think this way, so you need to change"

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colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The comments are so silly. "She can't force you to be vegan but if you rotate cooking then you should both cook something to meet the others dietary restrictions." So then we are forcing him to go vegan because every meal he makes has to be vegan for her and shes obviously always going to make a vegan meal.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I personally don’t think their relationship can be saved even cooking separately. I see your point though. But what if it was dog meat? To me at lot of people seem baffled because they don’t understand what could be the problem with eating or preparing or having someone else eat non-vegan meals. So I suggest let’s think dog meat and see if it changes the perception. But also I don’t really have this problem personally and neither have you I guess, so it’s a bit theoretical.

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colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And anyone who is saying "just add the butter after" knows nothing about cooking... Butter is used for more than just spreading on toast or potatoes lmao

kalpanam avatar
Kalpana M
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cook separate meals. Have what u love eating. Simple. GF is free to accept vegan lifestyle and follow diligently. OP needn't force himself to change his dietary requirements more than he has done. Definitely it pricks if only one of them has to change everything while the other has nothing to lose anyway. Don't cook shared meals or split cooking. Then nobody suffers.

stayoffmylawn_1 avatar
Stay Off My Lawn
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Veganism is a *choice*. If you don’t want to eat what someone else cooks for you *for free*, cook for yourself.

censorshipsucks12 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Still unfair to force her to use an animal product. I'm not a vegan but I support their choice 100%. I am always impressed by their moral commitment to their principles.

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kylenorton avatar
Kyle Norton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His GF made the decision to be vegan overnight. I feel like that alone counters out any argument for OP being the AH given she just dumped this on him and he did his best to accommodate without any conversation about it. She's the problem here and needs to really think about what she wants from this and why she's doing it then both need to have a sit down and figure this out. Especially given that OP seems to have already been raising animals so all signs point to her jumping on a random diet and forcing OP to change his diet/ cooking habits for her. Sounds like if she wants to continue down this road then OP and her will probably not be compatible.

freaky-lil-phycopath avatar
Keadeen Murphy
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nobody decides to go vegan over night. Vegetarian yes. But being vegan, paticulary a healthy vegan, requires a lot of thought and planning. I have to imagine that it was something she thought about for a long time, and reserched before jumping into it. It really sounds like communication is the bigger issue here. The fact he didn't know she wanted to go vegan means it feels like an overnight decision to him. I don't think he needs to give up all animal prodects, but they need to then each just cook for themselves, or he could try accommodate her some of the time and give her a heads up on days he is planning on using butter or eggs. She should also be willing to accept that she may need to cook more for herself, or take over more cooking in general.

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clairetmann59 avatar
Claire Trautmann
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She can double what she makes on her cooking days and eat leftovers on his cooking days. He can then eat what ever the hell he wants

rens_1 avatar
Rens
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have a friend who claims to be vegetarian but she eats chicken and fish... She has made comments about the food and I cook and I totally ignore her. I couldn't be vegan even if I wanted to, because a lot of the vegan foods are highly processed, or contain soy/ legumes/ pulses etc I have a lot of food intolerances.

andydouglass_1 avatar
Best Behave
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

@rens which vegan foods are processed? Mushrooms? Legumes, greens? If you choose to only eat processed foods whether vegan or not (especially if not as it happens) you’re going to end up in ill health. If you have intolerance you need to eat a diet compatible so.

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Liz Clarke
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a vegan, and my boyfriend's a pescetarian, we take turns cooking and all our shared meals are vegan as we can both eat them. He frequently has things with animal products that I don't eat, and I don't care as his diet is his choice. This man seems to be trying to make his girlfriend not be a vegan, but she doesn't seem to be making him a vegan as there were no mention of her trying to stop him eat all animal products.

zanemathewsallen avatar
crowspectre (he/they)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah. They're both being a bit stubborn and the GF is kinda lazy to try and change the way the BF cooks his own food instead of just making her own food for her specialized diet, but the way some people are reacting is insane. This is incredibly minor (also GF does appear to be trying to change the way BF eats, because the only non-vegan meals heats are his own and she's trying to make those vegan too)

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caseymcalister avatar
Casey McAlister
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just cook for themselves. That's the only compromise that doesn't require OP giving up on foods he likes or GF making exceptions in her strict vegan diet.

bellebeasleymiles avatar
Belle Miles
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Rich people disorder. These people would be dead weight in a survival situation. Imagine the money these two spend everyday on food.

viccig avatar
V
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was pregnant I couldn't eat meat, so my husband would just put meat on his plate. Our kid can't have dairy products, so we just add butter to our plates if we really want to have it. It's really not hard to accommodate the people you love.

bonnieboas avatar
Bonnie Boas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It isn't cool to just expect someone else to cut out all the things they love to eat just because of someone's preference, though. Food allergies are one thing, my husband and I both have Celiac disease, but replacing wheat isn't that hard. Expecting a boyfriend to stop eating all meat and animal products requires a major lifestyle adjustment and she didn't start the relationship as a vegan, she was a vegetarian. She's being unreasonable in my opinion.

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blue1steven avatar
Donkey boi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone that is a meat eater, I feel that while he has made an effort, I've still got to go with, YTA. I get that there needs to be a transition period, but to you can't make a meal that's "mostly vegan". It either is or it isn't. I would suggest a discussion about her vegan values, her reasons for becoming vegan as that can help you discuss limitations. For example, some vegans eat honey and others don't. If the reason is ethical, it might be worth discussing limitations and ensuring that you use ethical sourced goods.

justinsmith_1 avatar
Justin Smith
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But her believing that he should be forced ti make vegan food for both of them is wrong. He shouldnt have to change what he wants to make and eat cause she won't eat it

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amyshereikis avatar
Karly Marx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agoodso who used "if she was Jewish" to basically say that OP is an a*****e is the a*****e. Lol. SHES NOT JEWISH! It's not a religious choice. Not saying her choice is any less valid. But it's not the same thing dude. She's the AH because he's compromising 100% without any compromise from her. He doesn't want to eat vegan food! Yet he is. BECAUSE OF HER & ONLY BECAUSE OF HER! She has literally cornered him & forced him to be 99.9999% vegan against his wishes. Now she's complaining that he's using butter. Why can't that be her one compromise when he's compromised at literally Every turn? Or she can cook for herself. Next she's going to say he can't use butter in their home & can't even make meat for himself when she's not eating. That commenter really said "she's making food you can eat but you're not making food she can eat" no. She's forcing him to eat food he doesn't want to eat because she thinks her choices are more important than hers. Also I'm vegan! I don't even agree with her

kayrose avatar
RoanTheMad
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

imo there's great substitutes for butter (in the UK there's one called vitalite which is actually great for baking, not as sure about sauces etc yet though) but honestly, if he wants to cook his own meals using butter, that's up to him. Though if he's outright refusing to make his gf any alternative, then yes, he is a bit of an a*s. that said, maybe they could just stick to cooking their own meals?

jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Country Crock makes a vegan butter that tastes just like real butter, and it literally only costs a few cents more. The guy is just be over dramatic in my opinion

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myronmog avatar
moggie63
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Vegan insists on only cooking vegan meals, despite what he would prefer. When he cooks she insists on vegan meals only. Inflexible and overbearing.

mosher2001 avatar
Matt Mosher
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's complaining that he's not being respectful of the fact she's vegan. In reality he's made a bunch of changes for her and she isn't being respectful of the fact he isnt vegan. Nta. This is my worst nightmare when it comes to relationships. I can deal with a vegetarian but a vegan is a deal breaker.

toriohno avatar
tori Ohno
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nope, nope, and nope again. You two aren't compatible. Either she drops her veganazi attitude, or you two need to split up. It's obviously her way or no way. That's not a relationship, it's a dictatorship.

acuite-bousculade_0q avatar
Fantastic Mr Fox
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Vegetarians may be so solely for health reasons. So if the bf didn’t share her choice that would then be no worse than she is exercising while he is a couch potato. Vegans make their choice based on ethics which is different. I don’t think you can overcome that difference long term. You have a fundamental disagreement about right and wrong and for her it is so important that she changed her life to become vegan. I’d say it’s irrelevant who’s right or wrong. This relationship cannot survive.

gwensandau avatar
Gwen Sandau
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My niece has so many food sensitivities, she's gone from vegetarian to vegan. She did not give up the foods happy, though.

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joehurd avatar
Joe Hurd
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I worked at a place that just for staff required stupid amount of dietary variations. Vegetarian, vegan, pescatarian, keto, etc etc etc essentially had to create individual meals for each staff member every day and whenever I'd ask them to give me specific ideas of what they wanted it was always same answer "make whatever" and then they'd always complain about not getting things they liked. I despise your diets after working at that place, either shut up and eat what I made (multiple options) or just stfu is how I feel about diets. Religious and medical restrictions are fine but the rest can gtfo

hypoxia avatar
jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a vegan, I'd like to say that I am perfectly healthy medically. You don't get all your proteins from animal products my guy, just most of them

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miss_butterfly89 avatar
Jodi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm not vegan but my dad is and if I make him cakes I use stork butter block and it tastes the same as normal stork

mattr_3 avatar
Matt R
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The key with this one is it was an overnight decision. So no way it is okay to randomly decide that your S.O. has to wholesale change their diet and cooking habits and be appeased. When you make a decision like that, the actual compromise is a willingness to take the entire physical and emotional load of choosing what you eat and cooking it. You want to go vegan? Then the trade off is you now do all the cooking. Anything less is not a compromise, but instead a demand. The whole attempt try to compare it to religious choices doesn't fly as those are life long commitments that were known before cohabitation began.

censorshipsucks12 avatar
censorshipsucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

hmm so not a vegan myself but I respect the moral commitment to it. I realise people will downvote this but I'm going with a mixed response here. 1. If she decided to be vegan - even if just suddenly overnight - then she must do the cooking to ensure it complies with her standards, because he'd have to learn a whole new way of cooking in order to comply, meaning, her choice would put a big workload on him. HOWEVER, 2, butter is an animal product made mostly in mass farms which involve cows having miserable living conditions. So, if her reason is moral, butter is also a no-no because it involves moral compromise. A bit like saying "i love animals" and yet thinking it's ok to eat cows but not say, dogs. If you are actually committed to a position then commit. If your PARTNER is committed to a position - even if it's new - then support them. IF he doesn't want to compromise any further then they must just cook separate meals. It's not a big deal to do that.

annadykens avatar
Anna Dykens
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Veganism is a dietary preference that is not for everyone for different reasons. So no I don't think he's a jerk for sticking with his preferences, but I would recommend dividing whatever you make into two. In this case he can add meat, eggs and dairy to one half while keeping the other fully vegan to help both of them in being happy.

lee-gracej avatar
Ohnauuur
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She went vegan overnight, expected him to completely change his cooking to accommodate her, guilt trips him when he doesn't meet her ridiculous demands, and people here still think he's the AH lol. Vegans smh

claytonj23 avatar
Jennifer Clayton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Veganism isn't just about diet. It's very much like your partner converting to a different religion than you. It isn't about food it's about beliefs.It isn't compromising on a chore but sacrificing beliefs when each side tries to come together. You need to ask if she can accept you, for the long haul, if you're not going to be vegan. Everyone deserves to know if their partner seeks to change them.

della99999 avatar
della99999
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Try a good olive for a butter sub, sunflower lecithin can help with emulsification. Also, not eating animal products is a deeply personal conscientious choice that is at the very core of a person. You can't compete with that. Just add some butter to your own dish at the end of preparing it vegan. And stop keeping score in the "who gives up what" department. Just my thoughts on being happy in this arrangement.

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Squirrelly Panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Often, when cooking with butter, you don't just add it at the end, it goes in at different points. For example, the pot pie, he might sauté the veggies and protein in butter, make a roux with butter for the gravy, and use butter in the crust. Using butter at all these points adds flavor, and possibly texture, you cant get from a substitute. He certainly doesn't add butter to the pot pie at the end like he's buttering a baked potato.

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anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you're airing out your dirty laundry for something this petty, yeah you are an a-hole. And you're in a doomed relationship so just end it now and get over with it.

deborahrubin avatar
Deborah Rubin
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Leave her. She won't stop niggling at you about this. Don't give in. This was not a consideration arrived over time, but a whim. Do you really want to deal with all sorts of things? Sounds like veganism is a fad.

eeng avatar
E Eng
Community Member
10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think it depends on the situation, if the vegan is demanding no butter at all but if he is cooking for the two of them and that was the plan, then he should try to make something that they both can eat

arglebargle avatar
Argle Bargle
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dump her. It's only going to get worse. The day I change my eating habits due to someone else's choices will be the proverbial 'cold day in hell'

jeffmcelfresh avatar
Jeff Mcelfresh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Bp, stop with these articles. Just. Please. Freaking. Stop.

daniel_j_johnson avatar
Dan Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I commonly make two versions of the same meal for my significant other and I. Basically the same dish but I finish in two pans. IF you're willing to make a dish that she is able to eat (her portion without butter), AND she's willing to to make a dish that satisfies your tastes (your portion with butter) then NAH. If you're willing to accommodate her but she won't accommodate you then NTA, but if she'll accommodate you but you're unwilling to make a vegan dish for her then YTA. Or cook your own food.

ljdia avatar
Liv
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If it's veganism for the sake of the animal, and there's this special recipe my love wants to cook for me, I'd have eaten (when I was vegan) - as long as it were organic free-pasture etc.

royalstray avatar
Royal Stray
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tbh I'm wondering what kind of vegan butter she wants to use. I used to be allergic to milk so I used plant based butter and now when my allergy is gone I use "normal" butter again, there's pretty much no difference in the creaminess. I would understand it more if it was a taste issue, but there's stuff with very little textural difference. I really don't get how butter is the breaking point but he'll eat fake chicken, now there's a difference. The only logical solution is that they just cook their own meals, or make the base together but then make their own smaller portions with their own ingredients from that base. (like they cook pasta and sauce but use different proteins when they plate up)

michellec0581 avatar
Michelle C
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cheese & crackers...this chick must be hot AF to give up eating meat over..I myself would refuse to compromise

boredpandasucks_2 avatar
BoredPandaSucks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

if the ONLY thing that prevents her form being able to eat his food is butter, then if he values her at all, he can find a substitution that he will be ok with. not sure if that makes him an A-hole or not, but c'mon.. otherwise try a fend for yourself arrangement on making meals and cut out the reason for the bickering about meal prep altogether.

katokatt avatar
Aboredpanda
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's childish to me that butter is the hill he's willing to die on, when there are several great vegan butter alternatives that actually taste like real butter (I should know, I can't eat dairy made from cow's milk). In reality this is him protesting making vegan food. He should grow up and say he doesn't want to accomodate her anymore as it goes too much against what he himself wants to eat. And the vegan partner will just have to deal. Or they compromise by making two meals together, sharing the cooking every day. Or make separate meals. Or several dishes where some are vegan. Etc. Both of them are being too rigid.

ladyshiva87 avatar
Mirabelle Stonegate
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just because you like the alternatives doesn't mean everyone else will. I don't like vegan butter. It just tastes wrong to me. If I'm cooking something that calls for butter, it has to be proper irish butter. Nothing else.

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InvincibleRodent
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not budging from using butter as a cooking fat is a weird hill to die on. There are literally so many other great, plant-based cooking fats, and many of them are arguably better for a variety of dishes- seriously, I have four different ones just chilling on my counter at any given time, and I'm not even vegetarian. I'm sensing that on OP's part, this is not about the butter: this conflict has been brewing in him for a while, he's likely been more resistant to this dietary change than he lets on, and it feels like the butter is just the scapegoat, a "last straw", for that resentment over him being asked to compromise on something about which she seems to have thought they were in agreement.. This is going to end the relationship, and this guy is making it (tbh, I think unjustly) sound like it's her veganism's fault.

andrewmcloughlin avatar
Andrew McLoughlin
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If my friend said he didn't like pasta, and I invited him over for dinner, serving fusili instead of spaghetti would still be a d**k move. Eat whatever you want on your own time, but if you're cooking for someone, make something they're going to enjoy. Simple as.

audreymalone avatar
Audrey Malone
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They're both A holes. She's trying to force him to be vegan, and he's trying to force her to eat butter.

postvoorly avatar
hobbitly
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Who says she is forcing him? From what Im reading here: if he cooks for her, her part must be vegan. She isnt saying he also has to eat vegan all the time.

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Cédric Billemont
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't date a vegan if you are not willing to embrace the whole thing. Veganism is a way of life that accept no compromise. BTW NAH 100% in the grand scheme of compromise of living together. You have already done enough and probably too much because you are in love. Ditch her of you want to have a normal life, t'she will become your jail warden the ret of your life if you don't move on......

suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a bigger issue of respect, it is irrelevant that it's vegan, it could be anything. Don't do anything behind a persons back that you know they would not want or like. NB I am vegan and if this was done to me I'd be furious and they would be an ex-whatever they are!!!!!

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zedrapazia avatar
Zedrapazia
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's usually the little chain symbol at the bottom right. Don't know if there's one here tho

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suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a Vegan this to me is an issue, mainly because it shows a lack of respect. Nowadays there are many butter replacements that taste like butter. Ultimately if my partner insisted on using a product I didn't want (for any reason) I would question the relationship X

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a non vegan this is an issue to me. Mainly because it shows lack of respect. Nowadays all people are capable of making their own meals to meat their own specific dietary needs.

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johndoe_58 avatar
JOHN DOE
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His whole premise is based on the non-existence of good butter substitutes. I haven't cooked with butter for over a decade. Any butter substitute will taster far better than any meat substitute. His issue isn't flavor it's the control and that is a far deeper issue. But blowing a good thing over butter is just plain dumb.

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What about the GF's control? She's essentially saying everything cooked here will be vegan since she says he has to and we already know every meal she makes is gonna be vegan... You over focus on a small detail and try to make something more of it... The man just wants to eat his own food.

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Lousha
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not "splitting the cooking" if she cooks things for the both of them and he cooks for himself only. Substitute "being a vegan" for "doesn't like" and then try to ask with a straight face if you're TA if you only cook meals with the one ingredient your partner hates and you know they won't eat, and present it as "cooking for the two of us" . The partner being vegan is not the issue here. If you're cooking to share and you're using something you know the other one won't eat for any reason, that you're a d***, end of. As for compromising, that is not possible with everything. You can't be sort of, kind of, a little bit vegan. I'm not one but I can understand that someone either is one or isn't. Imagine telling a recovering alcoholic that there's only a little bit of brandy in that "virgin" cocktail, so they should get over themselves and not be a baby about it, just drink it. Or telling the person who hates coconut with a passion that you've only sprinkled a little on top of the cake so it shouldn't matter. And one last thing, if you can't substitute butter to your satisfaction, how about cooking meals that don't require it in the first place? Only a few billion of such recipes out there.

colin_3569 avatar
Bobbie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is such a bad take. Firstly the GF cooks vegan meals so she's not cooking meals for both of them rather just herself. Secondly the GF used to only be vegetarian and loved the meals BF made with butter... but overnight one day she switches to full vegan and butter is the devil. And one last thing, he doesn't use butter in everything, he specifically said only in his creamy dishes like chicken pot pie... which hes being forced to use fake chicken

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Tyke
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Butter in his meals every other night... I'd be worried about his cholesterol levels. And as a dairy eater... he's the AH.

anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love cooking with butter too, but in everything? Ew! Health concerns aside, most savoury foods (ie dinner type meals) are kinda gross with butter. Olive oil is definitely better imo. Worse case, coconut oil is pretty tasty too

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Sillypants
Community Member
1 year ago

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This is so lame. Sounds like she is just asking you to respect her choice to not use animal products when cooking. Add butter to your own meal. Eat a lush steak with your pals! Suggest cooking your own meals! If you're going to be asking an online forum for advice on butter and broccoli, what's going to happen when you're faced with something more serious in your relationship.

andydouglass_1 avatar
Best Behave
Community Member
1 year ago

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This is fairly straight forward. There is nothing she cooks that you can't eat. There are some things you cook which she can't. You aren't really compromising - if you say "I'll cook you something" but then insist on including stuff that she won't eat, you aren't cooking her anything. Unless she is actually demanding that you also become vegan (I'm not sure that she is, unless I missed it), she's not being out of order, all she's doing is maintianing her own boundaries. Fine, don't cook her anything. However I feel that unless you can get over this weird obsession that every single meal you cook must include butter, and you can't possibly cook anything without it, I feel that your obstinacy will end your relationship.

ambrypetersen avatar
Ambry Petersen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not so much that she can't eat it as she won't eat it. She gets to eat her favorite meals all the time, and OP almost never gets to eat the things he likes. Being in a relationship is about two people not just the wishes of one person. You have to work together, and you have to compromise, each has to give. It sounds like OP has given an awful lot and she refuses to give an inch, that's not a healthy relationship. It's okay to have some boundries, but it is never okay to force them on other people. My husband and I don't always like each others cooking, but we eat it anyways. He likes Anime and I don't. I don't ask him to give it up, he doesn't try to make me watch it. Op should be allowed to cook what he likes once in awhile too, it's not fair that he's only allowed to cook what she likes. Several members of my family are allergic to soy, so we have to use the real deal so they don't end up with an ER visit. For some people a vegan diet is physically not an option.

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delaneysteele_1 avatar
Biscuitbot
Community Member
1 year ago

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YTA. He doesn't like 'the vegan substitute'(SINGULAR) to butter... Tells me all I need to know. There are TONS of substitutes these days and I don't believe for one second he's tried and dislikes them all. Also, people seem to forget that veganism isn't just a 'preference', but a moral imperative. Would you ask her to compromise her morals elsewhere? Besides all that, it's just rude. If I'm sharing cooking with my boyf, I wouldn't even add an ingredient I know he just isn't fond of, never mind can't eat!

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