50 Funny Tweets That Have No Business Being So Accurate

We just claw.

Apparently I roll my eyes so hard that the people around me can hear it.

When there’s food but not the food you want so you rather starve

Your own bed is even better

The cats have truly domesticated us.

Multa Nocte

Multa Nocte

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How else would you talk to them? Of course they are going to respond.

Proud childless cat lady here. I am also nearly 50, never married & work in a library. I’m a living stereotype & loving every minute of it 😉

Or the person with the cart situated blocking the aisle, no room on either side. "Time for bumper cars".

That reminds me that I want to get some dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets when I next go to the grocery store.

Mr Auntriarch is in charge of admin. I am in charge of dashing into Claire's Accessories and buying a load of trinkets that I will think "what on earth possessed me to buy that" as soon as I get home.

Sounds about right

To circumvent this, my wife will fall asleep on the couch knowing that I cannot, and will not, let her sleep on the couch over night. It forces me to stop and say "Let's go to bed."

Multa Nocte

Multa Nocte

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Oh my God, this is so funny! I HATE how it's true!

I think it's for the damaged luggage on the carousel in arrivals, but that's just me.

At least I can mostly speak my mind with my patients. Sorry, if you don't quit the cigarettes and live more healthy you will significantly decrease your healthy life span. Some people need a kick in the a*s

Multa Nocte

Multa Nocte

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Now THAT'S a power team!

And try to pass through a gate with them. It's adorable

This only works if your relationship is so bad that your partner wouldn't ask. I guess that's the prize you win for being passive aggressive?

Rich parents and a trust fund.

And there is no turbulence

An online friend and I discussed this exact hangup. Volume is much different on my new tv, also between different channels, and I can't play this game anymore.

Multa Nocte

Multa Nocte

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I HATE when that happens . . . .

Wait, I’m not alone? Did someone get in because I didn’t check the door a fourth time?

Not those exact words, but my wife saw me refold my shirts once when I was still in the military... 14 years together and folding laundry is still my job XD

Wife gets up every morning around 3:30 (don't ask). I get up around 5:30 or 6. If I get up before that it"s " why are you up? This is my time."

My sister's dog smelled her breast cancer, now I don't like it when he follows me

Same with deer and rabbits. Can't they see I'm a Disney Princess in disguise??

No, that would be like sitting in a field of muesli with no fruit. Fries would be a carrot patch.

Glix Drap

Glix Drap

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That's so f*****g true.

Try cricket! 🤣

My Armageddon gets unleashed instantly, unfortunately. Have many regretful texts..

We are always good. In fact, there is no minute of any day that we are not perfect.

07:59; we're not open yet, 09:03; all appointments gone.

It's a good way to save money 💰

Then you side eye the dog, they look away, side eye, look away "nope, not begging, just chillin'"

I'm not so sure that someone taking 'a patient's history' wouldn't know how to spell "new" correctly.

I once house-sat for a couple with a cat. The cat loved sci-fy shows, so one of the conditions of house-sitting was that I watched sci-fy shows with the cat. 10/10 experience.

Does your dog meow, perchance?

80085

It’s the kettle in our house. I’m hypersensitive so have to make the tea, to stop my wife making a bloody racket flicking the same switch in the same way as me. It doesn’t bother me when I do it

I hope you called the Guinness book of World Records!

That's the real adulting nobody tells you about.

sbj

sbj

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I wouldn't mind this, maths questions are probably the only ones coming from children I have honest answers for

What's wrong with camping? I think it's very nice to be close to nature. I love it

Yup. Something I say on a regular basis "what part of retired don't you understand?". Doesn't do me a damn bit of good, so I don't know why I bother.

I work weekends, so this would technically be a compliment coming from me

Where is Old England - Brilliant! All of England is Old

Nothing better I think you mean

My mom has a habit of leaving her phone in the kitchen on the island. A few weeks ago, my son and I were in the backyard with his 3yo & 2yo. He was playing on his phone while I blew bubbles. Asked him to please get me a DP. He said sure. Then I see him talking and hear him say " Grammy, since you're in the kitchen now, would you mind bringing mom a DP? Thx" she was laughing as she said "Well played, kiddo!"

Train drivers in the UK can earn more than £80k. I read an article in the Sunday Times that said the average veterinarian (with seven years of training) earns £41k. That’s a large part of why trains are so expensive.

Ferocious fluff... Brilliant! Like the deadly dust bunny.

How did that manage to get on anybody's bingo card?

Who needs corrie when you have work drama

i need that knife

Better than the "What are you doing? That was our turn!" on a road they travel daily, but you only once in awhile.

Hey now, I give GREAT advice! Just because my own life is a dumpster fire doesn't mean I can't see how you can fix yours!

Chewie Baron

Chewie Baron

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Kids today with their “fancy schmancy” J2Os and such like. Ready salted crisps and flat lemonade I got.

I have the perfect solution to that: Buy an Android instead

Dr. Pepper is my downfall soda. I'm trying to give up soda but sometimes I just want an ice cold Dr. Pepper! So this candle would kill me! But it sounds amazing.

And you drool all over the pillow

My hubby always finds the stuff me and our kid cant, hes great

I confused the it chap at work once before I remembered that I have my mouse set to right button

Chewie Baron

Chewie Baron

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Well, they’re getting divorced soon.

My second daughter washed her and her sisters' uniforms for school last night for the first time. Now I get that extra time to... do the rest of the things.

The Irish goodbye comes in handy when that happens ☘️