40 Funny Tweets That Parents Might Find Painfully Accurate (May Edition)

I hate cranky neighbors. We have a cranky neighbor too. The guy can't do anything as long as the dog pooped past his lawn.

That is normal for all kids. Very normal for ADHD kids for they sometimes lack focus, whilst other times there is hyperfocus. Every parent with an ADHD kid or ADD kid should know this. That is a big part of the whole diagnosis.

Mine would not help carry the shopping,but would gladly empty the fridge!

Not until he comes home with $40 and a puppy he bought for $100

Why do they take 2-3 days telling me about their most recent dream but skimp on the interesting stuff? What kids find important astounds me.

This is like where they tried rewards for snake and rat tails and ended up increasing the population. Come on elementary school, learn from history class!

Frosty the Snowman used to do the same thing.

... and a punch in the gut.

My dad used to say 'don't say f**k in front of the B-A-B-Y' lol

Yeah, that's what teachers go to college for. How to tackle the tough questions. 😉

My dog’s name is Tucker, sometimes he’s a sucker, I pretend to throw a ball, he goes running down the hall, when will he understand, it’s right here in my hand.

Tried this, got a small rock thrown into my mouth. The small lizard she threw missed and fell onto the floor.

Haha

I feel sorry for the two Maddys who have no eyes.

Listen here you little ship. I need like 4 days notice if things are going to start getting anything less than boring around here.

I like big box and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny

Nay Wilson

Nay Wilson

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I enjoy watching things get power washed. It’s very satisfying to see the grime disappear

I really look forward to that time after they go to bed and before I fall asleep..all 7 minutes of it

Honestly, now I’m kind of curious how that tastes.

OMG it's Shyriwook, you can't just say "my wookiee."

That's gold Jerry! Gold!😂🤣😁

My 17yo was not impressed by the fact that sus was used as abbreviation for suspicious long before Among Us.

Prayers you make it through the storm 😉

Well, it is the name of an invisible rabbit.

The tooth is the gift, the flowers are garnish

ants do so have a smell. it smells really weird, like ... ants. no joke though they have a smell

Icecream doesn't....

That's so mean

Like cats with your glass of water (without the speech bit sadly)

Show her a seahorse, a dogfish, a Guinea pig and a starfish.

A universal answer. Like answering “Jesus” in Sunday school.

Do not cite the Deep Magic to me, Witch, for I was there when it was written.

My mom never did for us either. But my dad would do a cannon ball in the pool to scare the poop out of us! He used to also chase us around the yard with the garden hose! There were even a couple of times he chased us around the block too!

When my oldest was younger, we used to have to start putting her to bed an hour early because she had so many stuffed animals it took her that long to put her own "kids" to bed first. This one needs medicine.. this one needs a diaper change... this one needs her bottle... this one can't find his pjs....Fun times.

Ahh yes. TIL, a sandwich that was "facing the wrong way (?) Cannot possibly be eaten. Also, that I was a"terrible Mama" the day I could not turn the black grapes in the bowl, to green grapes. When I said "A famous guy once turned water into wine, but your Mama cannot turn black grapes into green grapes" my then 5yr old stopped crying and said "Does he live near here" Ummmmmm, no.

The boat will be wrong color or something and we absolutely CAN NOT get on that boat.

As the mom of 2 kids in middle school: relax and enjoy. They'll be over with soon enough... 🥺

No. Absolutely. I suspect so.

Got a bill at the end of the school year for a library book that was never returned. Asked daughter about it and she said "I took that book BACK! I remember because I hurried to the library and was almost late for practice and it would've been my third time so they would've kicked me out of the musical." I said fine and sent a check. Two weeks later I found it under her bean bag chair while cleaning.

At least you didn’t do the dreaded triangles. You’d have a full blown mutiny on your hands!

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Steal a STOP sign, and hang it around the kid's neck.

No, I don't wonder that. I KNOW that's what they do.

Cute

I think that's a great idea! Challenging for the adults, but a wonderful experience for the children.

We only had 8th and 12th grade grad growing up. 8th is cool tho because there is a lot of mental prep to get a kid ready for high school and the event made the transition feel real. Also came with tours of the high schools with long lectures about what is expected of you in the next 4 years.

Happy wife, happy life

Tell him the Tooth Fairy only has so much money to divide up each night. If he stopped losing his teeth on the same nights as so many others, he might start getting more. Ball is in his court now, while he figures out how to make that happen. 😉🤣

He's not wrong.

Time to leave the park. Follow the rules or go home. Simple.

✋🏼 3rd degree tear, but also inside tearing because he twisted on his way out. Then my original stitches didn’t heal properly resulting in a surgery a couple months later where I had to actually go under for in order to cut apart and restitch freshly cut skin back together. Aren’t you glad you asked? Oh wait, I forgot the latte ☕️ Cheers!

Years ago I was puttering around the house listening to music when my son comes barreling down the stairs and starts interrogating me on the song that was playing. "How do you know this song? Where did you hear it? This is new, how do you know it? Do you watch Vine, this is a Vine song!" He seemed rather offended that I had the nerve to listen to such a popular, "new" jam. I was listening to Enya 🙄 and the "new" jam in question was roughly 13 years old at that point.

At 11:41 AM on a Wednesday?

had she thought of it, she would've fished her wish

Hahaha! That husband is hilarious.

My toddler did that when she was 18 months, for 2 nights in a row.. 3rd day I took away her nap and that night she was sleeping on the couch by 7! She's 3 and a half and that's the last time she's taken a nap unless it was on the car ride home after a long day!

The best is 5 seconds after telling them to clean it up and being replied with "no". I challenge anyone to not at least stifle a chuckle in the situation.

Nooo I already feel bad enough for leaving to work (part time) 😭

Parenting is only for the hardest of the hard

I used to put the kids syrup in condiment cups for just that reason

That's what I do for the chick... I mean you never know, there could be a sudden rain, she could pee herself...

AtMostTheFabulist

AtMostTheFabulist

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Pedro Pascal! I love this guy. Everything I have seen him in, he has a different look. Bingeing The Last of Us yesterday. Totally has the badass dad thing going.

$60!?! Dang!

Flip the fuse switch inside the fuse box. Then shout. OH, NO... Blackout.