“I Know This Sounds Awful”: Woman Considers Asking For Her Gift Back After Her Friend Loses The Baby
Losing a child is one of the most painful and soul-crushing things that can happen to a person. In times of grief, the support that your family and friends offer you can help you in small ways. But the last thing you want or need is for someone to pour salt on the wound.
One redditor turned to the AITA online community for some advice on how she should proceed in an incredibly sensitive situation. Her husband’s friend had a “traumatic miscarriage,” and the couple was considering how they might go about asking for their expensive baby shower gift back… and if it was too insensitive. Read on for the full story and to see what the internet said to help the OP come to her senses.
Friends need to support one another in each other’s time of grief, instead of acting in an insensitive way
Image credits: Amina Filkins (not the actual photo)
One woman asked the internet what she should do about a baby shower gift she and her husband had given to a friend who had a miscarriage
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/[deleted]
The woman’s query started a very important discussion online
Image credits: Suzy Hazelwood (not the actual photo)
The absolute majority of readers thought that the author of the post was prioritizing the wrong thing in this situation. The gift wasn’t essential, no matter how much it cost. What was important was respecting the woman’s grief, and supporting her in this incredibly difficult time, in any small way that they could.
One redditor put it very accurately that gifts do not come with terms and conditions. “You gave it away. It’s gone,” they wrote. Others urged the OP to show more compassion.
After reading through the comments, the OP decided that she and her husband wouldn’t go through with their initial idea: they’d respect their friend and wouldn’t ask for their present back. The author of the post also ended up deleting her account after making this decision, so we weren’t able to reach out to her.
Finding people who can support you can help after the devastating loss
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, 15% to 20% of diagnosed pregnancies miscarry. Most before 12 weeks. Genetic abnormalities are the most common cause of miscarriages. “Everyday activities, such as exercising, working, and having sex, don’t cause miscarriages. Yet many women still blame themselves,” ‘Stanford Medicine’ writes.
Losing the baby earlier does not mean that it is “easier to handle” than later on in the pregnancy. Family and friends should avoid telling women that they shouldn’t be upset.
“If you’re a woman who has been through a miscarriage, remember that your feelings are normal. Remember also that some women are hit harder than others. Allow yourself to experience the grieving process in your own way and at your own pace. It’s common to feel fine one day and terrible the next.”
Having someone you can turn to for support and advice can help. Women who have miscarried could, for instance, seek out support groups uniting other women who have dealt with similar losses. It’s also essential to remember that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help from professionals like mental health counselors.
According to ‘Stanford Medicine,’ men and women tend to respond to miscarriage in different ways. The former “shift into problem-solving mode” and may feel completely helpless that they can’t find a solution to the grief.
Some men might not bring up the subject of the baby because they don’t want to see their partner cry, but this might make it seem as though they don’t care, which might not be the case at all. Open and honest communication, as well as sharing feelings, is absolutely vital.
Some triggers can remind women of their miscarriage
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
The American Pregnancy Association urges women who have miscarried to reach out to those closest to them and ask for their understanding and support, to seek counseling, and to allow themselves time to grieve.
“Women may experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating. Even if the pregnancy ended very early, the sense of bonding between a mother and her baby can be strong,” the APA says.
In some cases, this emotional distress can lead to physical symptoms, from fatigue, trouble sleeping, and difficulty concentrating, to a loss of appetite, frequent crying, deteriorating relationships, and thoughts of self-harm.
The grieving process has three stages: it begins with shock and denial which then leads to feelings of anger, guilt, or depression. The final stage is acceptance. The APA explains that each step takes longer than the previous one, and there can be setbacks. Some triggers that can lead to setbacks include baby showers, birth stories, visits to the gynecologist, family reunions, thoughtless comments, and seeing nursing mothers.
Many internet users were shocked after reading the story. Here’s how they reacted
The author of the post read through the comments and eventually gave an update on how she’ll proceed
Thank goodness the OP asked and took the answers well. Let's hope no one recognizes her or worse, the grieving mother.
Reading between the lines it sounds like OP was a bit suspect of the situation and tried to tell her husband to wait to buy the gift. Now she's upset he spent £400, which could've been used for something else. Personally I think OP sounds awful especially if the money wasn't a big deal to them
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Is no one going to comment on how utterly bizarre it is to have a baby shower so early in the pregnancy, how weird it is to ask for high priced items, and how odd it is to have any sort of gift registry at all? This MUST be American. It's just so all-round peculiar.
I’m American. Yes, I find it bizarre to have a baby shower so early. I also find it quite rude, presumptuous and greedy to request high priced items for gifts. The gift registry is the only thing I don’t find odd; the gift registry is supposed to be a ‘wish list’ of items that are needed, and makes it more convenient for the gift givers, although not everyone chooses to have a gift registry for these occasions.
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YTA. Nothing else to add really. On a side note: Being from Germany myself I noticed all the weird social events people are having in the US and hoe most of them seem to be just made up by some industry just to sell unnecessary shít
Being from the US myself, I find these gender reveal parties and 2nd and 3rd baby showers to be odd practices. I can't imagine sending out a birth announcement in my first trimester, along with a gift registry, especially when I already have a young child at home.
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As someone who's been through multiple with my ex wife I would honestly say if somebody showed up on my door step asking for their baby shower gift back especially in this situation the first and only thing they would get is the door slammed in their face. People just seem to constantly amaze me which would be great but its always the worst kind of amazement
I cannot imagine someone having done this to me. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant this last time until I was about 25 weeks. Miscarriages are traumatic physically as it is, but emotionally they can be savage. The idea of asking for a gift back is tacky in general, but this just makes you an AH for THINKING it.
a baby registry for a second child when the first one is still young? That is greed, straight up greed.
I've endured miscarriage; it's traumatic as hell. It was my only shot at motherhood. So I grieved profoundly. That being said, I find it incomprehensible why someone earning six figures would have an expensive baby registry for a second child, especially so early in pregnancy. I'll never understand the American obsession with gift registries for every occasion, especially when they can afford things themselves. Here, gift registries and showers are for weddings, the first baby, and that's it. If someone has another child and has little money, a friend might throw a shower for them for that, but everyone understands it's because they need things they can't necessarily afford. ESH. Jen was greedy and unwise to register and announce early on, the OP's husband was unwise to bite the bait and spend the money on a gift before the child was born, and OP is ridiculous for thinking she has the right to ask for it back.
Load More Replies... What if we were to picture Jen selling the gift and using the money towards paying for her medical care through the miscarriage, paying for counselling after the miscarriage, going on a weekend away with her family to have some rest and reflection time after the miscarriage? When I am feeling a bit bitter and cranky about certain scenarios that I come across in life, I like to try and change my thinking, rewrite the story, put myself in the other persons shoes and it sure does help to disperse those negative emotions and negative thinking about a lot of situations. Maybe OP could try reframing their thinking like this?
Sounds as if she is jealous of her husbands friendship & wants to take the gift back. If you have to ask if YTA in a situation like this, you are a s****y person.
She could hand down items to another mother, and she is still using them? Maybe they didn't plan second baby?
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I'll get dogpiled for this, but I'm gonna say ESH. OP certainly would have been an insensitive AH for asking for the gift back. It's a gift; write it off as a loss and move on. However, mom-to-be comes across as greedy and entitled for asking for such expensive gifts, especially when she and hubby make six figures and could easily buy the things they need for baby themselves. And, since they already have a child, they ought to still have all the necessary baby items such as a crib, etc. With that said, I know that miscarriage is a traumatic experience, and OP should never have even considered asking for the gift back.
I absolutely understand your perspective on this and agree. No dogpiling here. Always a possibilty that Jen’s going to realise this later down the track
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It's outrageous that the OP would even think of such a thing. No doubt about who's the AH here.
Glad the update cleared up that she's learned to be a kind, non-judgemental person. /s Eternally the YTA, apparently.
From what I've learned about Americans on BP, this very well could be real.
Load More Replies... I had endometriosis. It took 6 pregnancies to have 3 kids. I had to have a full hysterectomy at age 40 because my uterus was causing a lot of problems. I personally would never buy someone a $400 gift and I would definitely question why someone who makes great money and has stuff from her other child would even ask- but that’s just me. I would of waited to gift the baby until she was in her third trimester but what’s done is done. It’s a gift and you can’t ask for a gift back. But I wouldn’t gift her with anything else next time. That’s asking a lot on someone even if you make good money, too. I had a baby shower only in my third trimester because of the complications I experienced. I had a second baby shower in my third trimester because of the opposite gender of the baby but with close friends and family. I never asked for any expensive item. Just clothes, diapers, toys etc. I probably sound rude but I just wouldn’t spend more than $50 on a family friend
Asking for it back isn’t right. Hubs chose to spend it. However weird it was to register and do so much so early. But, without knowing how registries work. Perhaps they never took delivery of the item? Perhaps it’s still on a to do list? Perhaps it was returned and refunded and you haven’t noticed or checked? Or perhaps they got refunded monetary value and donated to a miscarriage charity? It’s one to let go. And learn from.
Gifts are to be given to another person, as to change ownership. 400 is a lot, but if you are high earners I'm sure it'll be fine. Let it go and let her heal.
As OP states that she herself has suffered from miscarriages, I’m so surprised she is not more sympathetic towards Jen’s situation, regardless of the fact that they are not friends. The miscarriage was “traumatic”, yet she thinks it may be okay to ask for her gift back? And it’s not even an issue of money for herself and her husband as they are high earners.
She's not "personally devastated" by her own miscarriage, she says. Dang! I've not been fortunate enough to have children--and way too late now--but I know I would be devastated.
Thank goodness the OP asked and took the answers well. Let's hope no one recognizes her or worse, the grieving mother.
Reading between the lines it sounds like OP was a bit suspect of the situation and tried to tell her husband to wait to buy the gift. Now she's upset he spent £400, which could've been used for something else. Personally I think OP sounds awful especially if the money wasn't a big deal to them
Load More Replies... Is no one going to comment on how utterly bizarre it is to have a baby shower so early in the pregnancy, how weird it is to ask for high priced items, and how odd it is to have any sort of gift registry at all? This MUST be American. It's just so all-round peculiar.
I’m American. Yes, I find it bizarre to have a baby shower so early. I also find it quite rude, presumptuous and greedy to request high priced items for gifts. The gift registry is the only thing I don’t find odd; the gift registry is supposed to be a ‘wish list’ of items that are needed, and makes it more convenient for the gift givers, although not everyone chooses to have a gift registry for these occasions.
Load More Replies... YTA. Nothing else to add really. On a side note: Being from Germany myself I noticed all the weird social events people are having in the US and hoe most of them seem to be just made up by some industry just to sell unnecessary shít
Being from the US myself, I find these gender reveal parties and 2nd and 3rd baby showers to be odd practices. I can't imagine sending out a birth announcement in my first trimester, along with a gift registry, especially when I already have a young child at home.
Load More Replies... As someone who's been through multiple with my ex wife I would honestly say if somebody showed up on my door step asking for their baby shower gift back especially in this situation the first and only thing they would get is the door slammed in their face. People just seem to constantly amaze me which would be great but its always the worst kind of amazement
I cannot imagine someone having done this to me. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant this last time until I was about 25 weeks. Miscarriages are traumatic physically as it is, but emotionally they can be savage. The idea of asking for a gift back is tacky in general, but this just makes you an AH for THINKING it.
a baby registry for a second child when the first one is still young? That is greed, straight up greed.
I've endured miscarriage; it's traumatic as hell. It was my only shot at motherhood. So I grieved profoundly. That being said, I find it incomprehensible why someone earning six figures would have an expensive baby registry for a second child, especially so early in pregnancy. I'll never understand the American obsession with gift registries for every occasion, especially when they can afford things themselves. Here, gift registries and showers are for weddings, the first baby, and that's it. If someone has another child and has little money, a friend might throw a shower for them for that, but everyone understands it's because they need things they can't necessarily afford. ESH. Jen was greedy and unwise to register and announce early on, the OP's husband was unwise to bite the bait and spend the money on a gift before the child was born, and OP is ridiculous for thinking she has the right to ask for it back.
Load More Replies... What if we were to picture Jen selling the gift and using the money towards paying for her medical care through the miscarriage, paying for counselling after the miscarriage, going on a weekend away with her family to have some rest and reflection time after the miscarriage? When I am feeling a bit bitter and cranky about certain scenarios that I come across in life, I like to try and change my thinking, rewrite the story, put myself in the other persons shoes and it sure does help to disperse those negative emotions and negative thinking about a lot of situations. Maybe OP could try reframing their thinking like this?
Sounds as if she is jealous of her husbands friendship & wants to take the gift back. If you have to ask if YTA in a situation like this, you are a s****y person.
She could hand down items to another mother, and she is still using them? Maybe they didn't plan second baby?
Load More Replies... I'll get dogpiled for this, but I'm gonna say ESH. OP certainly would have been an insensitive AH for asking for the gift back. It's a gift; write it off as a loss and move on. However, mom-to-be comes across as greedy and entitled for asking for such expensive gifts, especially when she and hubby make six figures and could easily buy the things they need for baby themselves. And, since they already have a child, they ought to still have all the necessary baby items such as a crib, etc. With that said, I know that miscarriage is a traumatic experience, and OP should never have even considered asking for the gift back.
I absolutely understand your perspective on this and agree. No dogpiling here. Always a possibilty that Jen’s going to realise this later down the track
Load More Replies... It's outrageous that the OP would even think of such a thing. No doubt about who's the AH here.
Glad the update cleared up that she's learned to be a kind, non-judgemental person. /s Eternally the YTA, apparently.
From what I've learned about Americans on BP, this very well could be real.
Load More Replies... I had endometriosis. It took 6 pregnancies to have 3 kids. I had to have a full hysterectomy at age 40 because my uterus was causing a lot of problems. I personally would never buy someone a $400 gift and I would definitely question why someone who makes great money and has stuff from her other child would even ask- but that’s just me. I would of waited to gift the baby until she was in her third trimester but what’s done is done. It’s a gift and you can’t ask for a gift back. But I wouldn’t gift her with anything else next time. That’s asking a lot on someone even if you make good money, too. I had a baby shower only in my third trimester because of the complications I experienced. I had a second baby shower in my third trimester because of the opposite gender of the baby but with close friends and family. I never asked for any expensive item. Just clothes, diapers, toys etc. I probably sound rude but I just wouldn’t spend more than $50 on a family friend
Asking for it back isn’t right. Hubs chose to spend it. However weird it was to register and do so much so early. But, without knowing how registries work. Perhaps they never took delivery of the item? Perhaps it’s still on a to do list? Perhaps it was returned and refunded and you haven’t noticed or checked? Or perhaps they got refunded monetary value and donated to a miscarriage charity? It’s one to let go. And learn from.
Gifts are to be given to another person, as to change ownership. 400 is a lot, but if you are high earners I'm sure it'll be fine. Let it go and let her heal.
As OP states that she herself has suffered from miscarriages, I’m so surprised she is not more sympathetic towards Jen’s situation, regardless of the fact that they are not friends. The miscarriage was “traumatic”, yet she thinks it may be okay to ask for her gift back? And it’s not even an issue of money for herself and her husband as they are high earners.
She's not "personally devastated" by her own miscarriage, she says. Dang! I've not been fortunate enough to have children--and way too late now--but I know I would be devastated.
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