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Mom Has Eye-Opening Talk With Her Adult Children During Family Gathering, Left Blindsided Completely
Interview With ExpertIf you thought family situations like Harry Potter’s with his aunt and uncle—where the young wizard was the default scapegoat for literally everything—were simply a product of a writer’s imagination, you’re definitely mistaken. Moreover, one of the heroines in today’s story didn’t even have Hogwarts to hide from the injustices of her home.
The tale we present to you today is kind of bittersweet. Yes, the narrator, the user Fogthefrogfred, eventually realized how unfair she actually had been towards her own daughter for years. On the other hand, the past can’t be changed, and what’s done is done…
More info: Mumsnet
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It’s always very difficult to be a family scapegoat, especially when you’re often not guilty in any misbehaviors—but this is life after all
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author of the post has 4 adult children and recently, 3 of them gathered at the parents’ home—except the youngest daughter, who lives abroad
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
Image credits: gzorgz / Freepik (not the actual photo)
During the gathering, the mom found out that she had put the blame on the absent daughter for various minor faults
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
Image credits: prostock-studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The husband and the other kids admitted that their sis has actually been the family scapegoat for years
Image credits: Fogthefrogfred
So now the mom is tormented by remorse and wonders if it would be reasonable to apologize to the daughter
So, the Original Poster (OP) has four adult children, all in their 20s, and they sometimes meet at their parents’ house for various family gatherings. This time, too, they gathered—except for the youngest daughter, who lives abroad with her boyfriend and rarely comes.
During the dinner, the mom caught herself trying to blame her absent daughter for something she hadn’t done. Or maybe she had done, but incorrectly. For example, forgetting to close the back door, or leaving a dirty plate on the table. It ended with one of the sons jokingly remarking that his sis had always been the family scapegoat…
It could’ve ended as just a joke, but the OP tried to figure out what those words meant—and what she heard literally shocked her. It turned out that both her husband and the other children always believed that their sis was, in fact, the mom’s scapegoat—and the other siblings readily shifted the blame for all sorts of minor infractions to her. Over time, she came to terms with it and took the blame herself every time.
This was a real blow for the mom. In the following days, she reflected on and recalled her reactions from years ago and came to the conclusion that she’d always unconsciously assumed this daughter was to blame “by default.” Simply because she had always been more defiant and disobedient than the others. So the OP is tormented by remorse, and she’s torn between offering an apology or just letting it slide.
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
“Yes, this happens when a parent, wittingly or unwittingly, ‘appoints’ one child to blame for the disobedience of others—often this happens completely unconsciously, as was the case in the situation described,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “Simply because they anticipate some kind of trouble from this child.”
According to the expert, in this case, it’s more appropriate to criticize this woman’s husband too, who saw the unfair criticism directed at his daughter and understood everything, but took no steps to rectify the situation. And the fact that he’s now trying to persuade her to “let it slide” likely only emphasizes his own guilt.
“In any case, it’s perhaps no coincidence that, of all this woman’s children, it was this daughter who chose to move as far away from her parents’ home as possible. Thus projecting distance from a place that likely evokes painful memories. Be that as it may, perhaps it’s really worth asking her for forgiveness – that would be the right thing to do,” Irina Matveeva sums up.
Incidentally, many commenters also noted that asking the daughter to accept an apology for this would’ve been the right move on the author’s part. At least some responders who experienced similar treatment from their parents in their childhood never received an apology. So what’s your opinion on this story? Please feel free to drop your comments below.
Many commenters agreed that the author was really wrong for her reactions, and urged her to talk to the daughter and apologize
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Dad needs to be called out for allowing this. He wanted peace so he sacrificed his daughter and knew what he was doing. Both these parents need to do better and it starts with accountability.
Alexandra 2 months ago
That's not uncommon, unfortunately. Many people think that 'keeping the peace' and 'you won't listen anyway' are good and moral reasons not to intervene, but it's just not wanting to be inconvenienced themselves, it's cowardice and it's throwing, in this case, the daughter to the wolves.
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FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
It's good to see that OP is growing as a person. The apology is necessary and overdue. Trust me, scapegoat thinks about it a lot and even though she can have a relationship with her mom, it is still upsetting. An apology won't fix it, and may lead to uncomfortable questions but she deserves it. Not owning up to this would be yet anothet time having the daughter carry weight she doesn't deserve. No time like the present to start being a good mother. It's also important to figure out why OP did this because the problem won't actually fix, it'll just change. Figure it out fix it. Follow through on the idea to do better.
Carrie de Luka 2 months ago
As the one that always got the blame I 100% agree. It would have been amazing if my parents had acknowledged that they made mistakes and apologised. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable for them but that's on them. My relationship was on the face of it okay with my mother (dad died when I was a teen) but when I think about it today, years later, it does still hurt as I don't know why I was so picked on by them. Definitely mother wanted an easy life so ignored my dad's ill-treatment but kids learn from their parents and I got picked on by a couple of siblings even as adults (until I lost it one day and told them how I felt, cried buckets and went low contact for years with the guilty parties). One apologised, the other when I pointed out how I was treated denied it was a thing and felt they had been too (the favourite, petted spoiled one of course!). Hey ho. Both parents should talk to their daughter, father is not much better for ignoring it.
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Sarah Bailey 2 months ago
Definitely apologize! It's never to late to say you are sorry. If you are unsure of what to say, try writing things out first. Include the events of the evening that brought to light why you are apologizing. It's important because your daughter might even ask why, and why now are you apologizing. Your apologies might make the world of difference and heal old wounds that she hides from everyone. Examples::: feelings of rejection, confusion of why she was never believed, loss of trust, resentment, isolation, feelings of never being good enough compared to the rest of the kids in your eyes, or why you didn't love her the same way you loved her other siblings.. feelings of shame, being misunderstood.etc.... I think it would do a world of a difference for her and you to write that letter and either send it or read it, or best option yet if you can afford it go see her and hand deliver it. Then there would be time to bond privately together after an enormous emotional vulnerable moments.
Dill 2 months ago
Yes, yes, yes! She should do all of this, and dad should apologise for ignoring it too. You do feel all of those things. You can have a reasonable enough relationship on the surface but that's where it stays. Their daughter probably wasn't there for a reason. I avoided family get-togethers. All pleasant enough on the surface but that is all. I did try tackling my mother about some of it once (dad was dead) but she denied it. My parents are both dead now but the hurt feelings don't go. You never really know why it was you that it happened to. What did I do? Darn it, brought tears to my eyes over something that's old. See? It doesn't go. You learn to live with it buried most of the time.
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Sparky Hughes 2 months ago
Yep, that was my mom. My brother yanked out a huge chunk of my longer hair and I shockingly pulled my long hair out of his hands. I got beat while holding a wad of my own hair while my head was bleeding. Waking up baby bro, my fault while my other brother is screaming throughout the house while I was reading quietly in my room. Got another beating. I even got accused of doing well in school to make him look bad. I’m pretty low contact now and have had to learn what healthy boundaries are in my 5-s after she almost broke me.
Dusty's mom 2 months ago
Like @buffetthedietslayer said: You broke her spirit. Apologize. And MEAN IT!!!
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
You should apologize. You have no idea how much they might resent you, despite staying in touch. Plus it was a terrible thing to do, and you owe them the acknowledgement and the apology.
Tabitha 2 months ago (edited)
Not to mention how always being accused, for everything, including stuff you didn’t do, couldn’t do, and weren’t even in the same country to try to do, can really f**k with your head and shape your adult life until you hopefully can get past it, if you ever do. It affects your work, your relationships, and so many other parts of your everyday life, into adulthood, which is something not mentioned here. Mom makes the accusation so regularly she’s not even aware of it anymore. Hell, she accused her favorite scapegoat when she wasn’t even in the same country! So every d****d time she did it to her daughter, she immediately forgot about it. To her it was just Tuesday. To her daughter, it will never be forgotten, and has shaped and colored her whole life.
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Heffalump 2 months ago
She needs to call her daughter and tell her what she said here. Her daughter may well have reached a place of acceptance, but she is NOT in any way happy about the way she was treated. How could she be? There is a reason that she's the child who's moved away and lives a life completely seperate from the family. It's not just coincidence, she's actively sought distance.
J R 2 months ago
The mom should definitely apologize (and the dad should, too). She was in the wrong, and she likely caused her daughter psychological trauma. As someone whose parents were emotionally a*****e and who has had them apologize for certain incidents later in life, I can say that it doesn't necessarily heal everything. It's a complicated feeling because it's like, there was a time when an apology would have been enough, but the damage has been done and can't always be fully healed, so it's a bit too little too late. But even so, it's not nothing, and it feels better to have them at least acknowledge and feel sorry even if they don't fully understand what that did to you. I feel like the daughter would likely also rather have a belated apology than absolutely nothing.
Sally-Ann 1 month ago
Get some therapy. The fact that you seem to think that a simple apology will cover a lifetime of a***e - and yes, that's what it is, psychological a***e - shows that you still have little regard for that daughter. You really need to examine why you placed all the blame on one child. Saying "oh it's because she used to run about as toddler" makes no sense. I suspect that 'good relationship' with DD2 isn't as good as you think.
Nils Skirnir 2 months ago
OP is a b***h. She has likely significantly damaged her daughter, maybe turning her into someone still groveling for love from the mother. OP should get down on her knees and beg forgiveness. B***h.
Deborah B 2 months ago
Apologise. The incidents that you consider "minor" and "not resulting in punishment" were probrably more numerous and frequent than you remember, and certainly vastly more significant to DD2 than you suggest. Your husband wants to "Keep the peace." Your other children were immature kids keeping out of trouble. All of them were jerks, but you were the one habitually blaming your daughter, refusing to believe or listen to her, and projecting the message that she was the "bad" child. I have no doubt that she continues, to this day, to believe that you love, and like, her less than her siblings, and that she struggles with feelings of low self-worth, inadequecy, and fear of rejection. You don't have as good of a relationship with her as you think. You have hurt her repeatedly, every single time you have blamed her for something that was not her fault, and she does not feel safe enough with you to tell you how this affects her.
KatSaidWhat 2 months ago
I was DD2 - I took a lot of heat for my brother as back in those days, belts and sjamboks could be used. It was a sad reflection not many years ago that it all came out that my father had always thought I was the bad kid when actually I was just sticking up and taking blame wrongfully.
Alexandra 2 months ago
Frankly, I don't see what an apology is going to accomplish. It won't erase the years of scape goating and I fail how you can 'make up' for what you did for so many years since you can't turn back time. On top of that, maybe your DD doesn't want to revisit this herself and it's more important what she wants than what OP wants. Sometimes people want to apologise not because the other person benefits from it but because they themselves can feel better about themselves. It's better for both parents to acknowledge to themselves what they did wrong and then try to let their actions reflect their insights.
Dill 2 months ago (edited)
No. NO. The children saw that mom made her the scapegoat first so, yes, took advantage of it. How do you judge 'initial slight tendancy' when the mother assumed it was her when no-one admitted it. She never questioned anything to the point that the daughter gave up even trying to argue her side. She gave up. That's a horrible feeling. Children make stupid judgement calls to get out of trouble, they don't have the understanding of the impact that it can have, but a flipping adult should! Mother coldly and deliberately blamed the one child to the point it was habit forming! To the extent that she auto-blamed her when she wasn't even there. Dad's not much better. Ignoring it instead of sticking up for a picked on child, not discussing it with mom. Not even thinking it matters today and that 'one child always gets blamed more'. Horrible attitude. Mom needs to apologise. Her daughter might seem close to her, bet the daughter sees it differently. I speak from experience.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Dad needs to be called out for allowing this. He wanted peace so he sacrificed his daughter and knew what he was doing. Both these parents need to do better and it starts with accountability.
Alexandra 2 months ago
That's not uncommon, unfortunately. Many people think that 'keeping the peace' and 'you won't listen anyway' are good and moral reasons not to intervene, but it's just not wanting to be inconvenienced themselves, it's cowardice and it's throwing, in this case, the daughter to the wolves.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
It's good to see that OP is growing as a person. The apology is necessary and overdue. Trust me, scapegoat thinks about it a lot and even though she can have a relationship with her mom, it is still upsetting. An apology won't fix it, and may lead to uncomfortable questions but she deserves it. Not owning up to this would be yet anothet time having the daughter carry weight she doesn't deserve. No time like the present to start being a good mother. It's also important to figure out why OP did this because the problem won't actually fix, it'll just change. Figure it out fix it. Follow through on the idea to do better.
Carrie de Luka 2 months ago
As the one that always got the blame I 100% agree. It would have been amazing if my parents had acknowledged that they made mistakes and apologised. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable for them but that's on them. My relationship was on the face of it okay with my mother (dad died when I was a teen) but when I think about it today, years later, it does still hurt as I don't know why I was so picked on by them. Definitely mother wanted an easy life so ignored my dad's ill-treatment but kids learn from their parents and I got picked on by a couple of siblings even as adults (until I lost it one day and told them how I felt, cried buckets and went low contact for years with the guilty parties). One apologised, the other when I pointed out how I was treated denied it was a thing and felt they had been too (the favourite, petted spoiled one of course!). Hey ho. Both parents should talk to their daughter, father is not much better for ignoring it.
Load More Replies... Sarah Bailey 2 months ago
Definitely apologize! It's never to late to say you are sorry. If you are unsure of what to say, try writing things out first. Include the events of the evening that brought to light why you are apologizing. It's important because your daughter might even ask why, and why now are you apologizing. Your apologies might make the world of difference and heal old wounds that she hides from everyone. Examples::: feelings of rejection, confusion of why she was never believed, loss of trust, resentment, isolation, feelings of never being good enough compared to the rest of the kids in your eyes, or why you didn't love her the same way you loved her other siblings.. feelings of shame, being misunderstood.etc.... I think it would do a world of a difference for her and you to write that letter and either send it or read it, or best option yet if you can afford it go see her and hand deliver it. Then there would be time to bond privately together after an enormous emotional vulnerable moments.
Dill 2 months ago
Yes, yes, yes! She should do all of this, and dad should apologise for ignoring it too. You do feel all of those things. You can have a reasonable enough relationship on the surface but that's where it stays. Their daughter probably wasn't there for a reason. I avoided family get-togethers. All pleasant enough on the surface but that is all. I did try tackling my mother about some of it once (dad was dead) but she denied it. My parents are both dead now but the hurt feelings don't go. You never really know why it was you that it happened to. What did I do? Darn it, brought tears to my eyes over something that's old. See? It doesn't go. You learn to live with it buried most of the time.
Load More Replies... Sparky Hughes 2 months ago
Yep, that was my mom. My brother yanked out a huge chunk of my longer hair and I shockingly pulled my long hair out of his hands. I got beat while holding a wad of my own hair while my head was bleeding. Waking up baby bro, my fault while my other brother is screaming throughout the house while I was reading quietly in my room. Got another beating. I even got accused of doing well in school to make him look bad. I’m pretty low contact now and have had to learn what healthy boundaries are in my 5-s after she almost broke me.
Dusty's mom 2 months ago
Like @buffetthedietslayer said: You broke her spirit. Apologize. And MEAN IT!!!
Kate Johnson 2 months ago
You should apologize. You have no idea how much they might resent you, despite staying in touch. Plus it was a terrible thing to do, and you owe them the acknowledgement and the apology.
Tabitha 2 months ago (edited)
Not to mention how always being accused, for everything, including stuff you didn’t do, couldn’t do, and weren’t even in the same country to try to do, can really f**k with your head and shape your adult life until you hopefully can get past it, if you ever do. It affects your work, your relationships, and so many other parts of your everyday life, into adulthood, which is something not mentioned here. Mom makes the accusation so regularly she’s not even aware of it anymore. Hell, she accused her favorite scapegoat when she wasn’t even in the same country! So every d****d time she did it to her daughter, she immediately forgot about it. To her it was just Tuesday. To her daughter, it will never be forgotten, and has shaped and colored her whole life.
Load More Replies... Heffalump 2 months ago
She needs to call her daughter and tell her what she said here. Her daughter may well have reached a place of acceptance, but she is NOT in any way happy about the way she was treated. How could she be? There is a reason that she's the child who's moved away and lives a life completely seperate from the family. It's not just coincidence, she's actively sought distance.
J R 2 months ago
The mom should definitely apologize (and the dad should, too). She was in the wrong, and she likely caused her daughter psychological trauma. As someone whose parents were emotionally a*****e and who has had them apologize for certain incidents later in life, I can say that it doesn't necessarily heal everything. It's a complicated feeling because it's like, there was a time when an apology would have been enough, but the damage has been done and can't always be fully healed, so it's a bit too little too late. But even so, it's not nothing, and it feels better to have them at least acknowledge and feel sorry even if they don't fully understand what that did to you. I feel like the daughter would likely also rather have a belated apology than absolutely nothing.
Sally-Ann 1 month ago
Get some therapy. The fact that you seem to think that a simple apology will cover a lifetime of a***e - and yes, that's what it is, psychological a***e - shows that you still have little regard for that daughter. You really need to examine why you placed all the blame on one child. Saying "oh it's because she used to run about as toddler" makes no sense. I suspect that 'good relationship' with DD2 isn't as good as you think.
Nils Skirnir 2 months ago
OP is a b***h. She has likely significantly damaged her daughter, maybe turning her into someone still groveling for love from the mother. OP should get down on her knees and beg forgiveness. B***h.
Deborah B 2 months ago
Apologise. The incidents that you consider "minor" and "not resulting in punishment" were probrably more numerous and frequent than you remember, and certainly vastly more significant to DD2 than you suggest. Your husband wants to "Keep the peace." Your other children were immature kids keeping out of trouble. All of them were jerks, but you were the one habitually blaming your daughter, refusing to believe or listen to her, and projecting the message that she was the "bad" child. I have no doubt that she continues, to this day, to believe that you love, and like, her less than her siblings, and that she struggles with feelings of low self-worth, inadequecy, and fear of rejection. You don't have as good of a relationship with her as you think. You have hurt her repeatedly, every single time you have blamed her for something that was not her fault, and she does not feel safe enough with you to tell you how this affects her.
KatSaidWhat 2 months ago
I was DD2 - I took a lot of heat for my brother as back in those days, belts and sjamboks could be used. It was a sad reflection not many years ago that it all came out that my father had always thought I was the bad kid when actually I was just sticking up and taking blame wrongfully.
Alexandra 2 months ago
Frankly, I don't see what an apology is going to accomplish. It won't erase the years of scape goating and I fail how you can 'make up' for what you did for so many years since you can't turn back time. On top of that, maybe your DD doesn't want to revisit this herself and it's more important what she wants than what OP wants. Sometimes people want to apologise not because the other person benefits from it but because they themselves can feel better about themselves. It's better for both parents to acknowledge to themselves what they did wrong and then try to let their actions reflect their insights.
Dill 2 months ago (edited)
No. NO. The children saw that mom made her the scapegoat first so, yes, took advantage of it. How do you judge 'initial slight tendancy' when the mother assumed it was her when no-one admitted it. She never questioned anything to the point that the daughter gave up even trying to argue her side. She gave up. That's a horrible feeling. Children make stupid judgement calls to get out of trouble, they don't have the understanding of the impact that it can have, but a flipping adult should! Mother coldly and deliberately blamed the one child to the point it was habit forming! To the extent that she auto-blamed her when she wasn't even there. Dad's not much better. Ignoring it instead of sticking up for a picked on child, not discussing it with mom. Not even thinking it matters today and that 'one child always gets blamed more'. Horrible attitude. Mom needs to apologise. Her daughter might seem close to her, bet the daughter sees it differently. I speak from experience.
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