Person Goes To Celebrate Christmas With Fiancé’s Family For The First Time, Loses It After Getting 18 Pieces Of Coal As Gifts
Spending the holiday season with your significant other’s family for the first time can be daunting. The pressure to make a good impression and fit in with their traditions can be overwhelming.
However, Reddit user Virtual_Ad_3893 took the plunge and embraced the opportunity. Things were going great at first. They felt welcomed. The initial nervousness subsided and everyone was enjoying the festivities.
But that quickly changed when the Redditor started opening the presents. Turns out, their in-laws decided to play a “joke” on them. Unprompted. With no heads up. It was so bad that eventually, Virtual_Ad_3893 teared up and bailed.
Unsure about their reaction, the Redditor told the whole story to the platform’s ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ community, asking for their feedback. Continue scrolling to read it and tell us what you think about the ordeal in the comments.
This person, for the first time, chose to spend Christmas with their fiancé’s family instead of their own
Image credits: Kira auf der Heide (not the actual photo)
But started regretting their decision the moment they began unpacking their gifts
Image credits: eve lloyd (not the actual photo)
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Virtual_Ad_3893
Part of the reason why navigating in-law relationships can be tricky is the fact that there is no rulebook for them. For example, it’s not entirely clear how close people should live to their in-laws, how often couples see them, and what responsibilities they might shoulder.
While the mother-in-law to daughter-in-law link is the most complex, virtually all in-law relationships come under tension as couples move through life together. The most frequent intra-familial flashpoints are religious celebrations and holidays. Occasions like Christmas are a major point of conflict because it’s where people are expected to be together.
Thrown together for an extended period of time, without sufficient room for autonomous behaviors, families come up against the phenomenon of ‘hypercopresence,’ which can happen with any interaction involving forced closeness – holiday gatherings included. Melanie Booth-Butterfield, a professor of communication studies at West Virginia University, US, who is writing a book on the topic, is certain that the negative effects can be long-lasting. “Hypercopresence can result in conflicts with relatives, angry words that cannot be taken back, and cold, rude nonverbal behaviors which leave lasting impressions,” she explains.
Additionally, holidays are when families carry out much-anticipated traditions and rituals, which research shows makes them feel closer and increases people’s enjoyment of these occasions. However, each family’s traditions might be different – and when in-laws diverge from our beloved rituals and traditions (or vice versa), tensions can flare.
However, judging from their post, the Redditor’s in-laws weren’t even trying. Gift-giving is a social ritual that requires careful thought and consideration. Whether a present is a home run or a fail depends less on cost, design, style, presentation, or practicality and more on the giver’s ability to listen, observe and empathize with the receiver.
“Gifts are an expression of feeling,” psychoanalyst Dr. Bonnie Buchele, who has heard her share of angst about gifts, both given and received, tells The New York Times. “So in the rush of the holidays — that panic of ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to get gifts’ — it is a good idea to take a little time to think about ‘What do I want to say here with this gift?’”
It sounds, like the Redditor behind this post was simply… ignored. And that hurts.
People unanimously said the author of the post was not being a jerk and their reaction was completely valid
The only present that he got her was coal?? Her FIANCÉ. He didn’t even just not tell her about this, he gave. her. coal. I would not marry this man.
My father would have called it "checking her sense of humor". I call it for what it really is, seeing how much bullying they will take. My mother was miserable with his "humor" tests. I HATE bullies with a passion.
Test his humor. Blue m&ms and adult diapers.
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He should have warned her, it's not as if it was a pleasant surprise for her. That way she could have given all of them a piece of coal too as the 'newby' and let the fun and games commence!
Party of the hazing is the not warning her. He's totally complicit.
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Exactly as Deborah Harris2 says - then it might have actually been funny - everyone gets coal! But for them to accept her thoughtful gifts and not see the wrong in what they've done is bizarre and probably shows they don't have much emotional intelligence or empathy. I definitely wouldn't rush to marry into a family like that! And WTH is wrong with Dan, why is he buying her coal?? Surely he knows her well enough to choose a gift for her. This bit is mind boggling. I don't think this relationship can be saved at this point.
One piece of coal, one, would have been fine. I'd have found it quite funny if it happened to me. 18 pieces though, to sit there and have everyone watch 18 TIMES is actually pretty sick. Even if that was your twisted sense of humour wouldn't it get really boring after like the 3rd piece? A) The fiancé should have warned her B) he shouldn't have joined in C) he should have got her a real present - other than the gift of showing her his true colours.
Exactly! If the first gift is coal, then the 2nd gift better be Diamonds!!
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I would have picked up every single one of their presents I got them and taken them all back ( even if they had opened them) and handed them each a piece of the coal. I would have then laughed, wished them a merry effing Xmas, packed my bags and gone. She also needs to ditch the fiancé. If that is what his family thinks is funny, she will have bigger problems in the future.
Why not a tradition of $50 each for the newcomer, with a lovely card saying looking forward to getting to know you so I can disappoint you next year with a gift I pick out.
Now THAT would be hilarious and also make the newcomer feel great!
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This "tradition" really shows how uncomfortable this family is with welcoming new people and their attempt to gain control over the outsider. They are essentially saying if you want to be part of this family you have to put up with the way we treat you and if you stand up for yourself then we're going to gaslight you and beat you down again. They are showing who is in charge and who matters, and they are doing something like this so the new person will either cede control to the family or leave. Any truly loving family would not do this because they would realize how hurtful it is to give a new family member prank gifts like this on their first Christmas with them when that person is already feeling anxious about being welcomed into the family.
Aww, it's okay! With the nice new coal from your EFFING FIANCE, you can light things on fire and lob the flaming rocks at that pathetic excuse for a family's heads!
My mother and I never got along. Having a gay son wasn't in her master plan and she wasn't shy about telling me. So, there's no reason I have to explain why I moved 3,000 miles away from my family. One Christmas my mother tells me I need to plan to fly out west because my siblings were all going to be there and she's like one more family Christmas. I was honest and told her that I couldn't afford the plane ticket. She got really judgmental and told me to figure it out and then that I needed to figure out my finances and get my s**t together. I had just gotten robbed financially in a horrible break up. She knew that. It's what I got for being gay. Finally, I agreed that I would come home for Christmas. At the very least, I figured she'd give me some cash per usual and it would offset the cost of the plane ticket. I then told my siblings I was coming, but that I'd prefer if we didn't exchange gifts as I was strapped. They all agreed. I get home and am made to sleep on the basement floor,
but my siblings and their kids all had beds or air mattresses. She wouldn't even let me sleep on her couch because she wants it available in case she stays up late or gets up early. I finally got ahold of an old friend who let me use her spare bedroom. Christmas morning rolls around and I am a bit blown away by the amount of gifts laid out. Looked like the grandkids were getting spoiled. Well as it turns out, everyone got spoiled but me. I didn't even get a gift. My mom said, "Before you get all upset, I didn't get you anything because you'd have to take it home with you on the plane." As she says this, I'm watching my older brother and his family, who also flew in open a ton of gifts. When everyone noticed my mother had not gotten me anything the room got uncomfortably quiet. I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the house and back to my friend's house. I packed my bag and booked a shuttle to the airport. My brother caught up to me and said they were all blown away and told our mom
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People tell children that if they misbehave, they will get coal for Christmas. Giving coal to adult as gag gift is rather childish, but if they gave her real gift after that, I would understand. Giving someone only coal, after that person bought you gifts for Christmas, is simply cruel. Fiancé and his family are bunch of AHs.
There were currently "coal" chocolates I saw that can work as stocking stuffers, but that's about it
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Genius, it's the opposite of bonding with a potential lifelong family member --- it's binding the previous/remaining ones together by excluding the new one. Also a good test in how much c**p newbies are willing to take, to see if you can later make them dance to your pipes.
My husband, who is one of 7 children, warned me that his family's tradition was that the new guest had to do the dishes. He was the only one not married, so there were also in laws and children. I refused. They continued to bully me for 25 years until I refused to go there anymore!
They should all just wear T-shirts saying “ We’re a bunch of a-holes”. It would save time. After this bit of bullying, they are running through the bully’s handbook - it was funny, you’re too sensitive, it’s a tradition etc. The real problem is Dan participated in this. He has shown you what he is and what life in his family is. Run.
Wow. I got nothing and I feel like I did better than this person did from their fiance. Dude and his family are f@#$ed up people.
After opening the second one I would have asked if they were all the same. Then I would have taken back the ones I gave and give them the coal saying "If you don't understand then look up the tradition of giving coal at Christmas" and then I would have gone home
Demeaning a newcomer - that's what Christmas is all about, folks. But truly she did receive a gift more precious than gold - a warning to stay as far away from this family of sadistic misfits now and forever. This "tradition" is almost certainly not the only sociopathic trait in this family.
If OP decides to still marry this dude (I sure as sh!t wouldn't!) she should be very concerned what "traditions" his family will pull at the actual wedding. As low as they went for Christmas, imagine how much lower they will sink for a wedding, when all eyes will be on the poor bride!
I would of taken all the giftsI got for him and family and peaced out. It’s a lame tradition and quite lazy. OP didn’t know some family members but still got them chocolates.
So the family has a long standing tradition of treating people like c**p by doing this, and "Dan" thought it was so neat-o that he actually went along with it? this lady should run for the hills.
I've recently read a quote which says that Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
you are NTA, but your fiance and his family are. One is a joke, two is rude, 18 is inexcusable. Fiance is an a$$hat. Hazing by future family is cruel. Get out while you can. Flipside, to the future family, there are other ways to do this - coal themed gifts - charcoal sketch, charcoal coloured items (hats, gloves, scarves, socks, thermal mugs, sheets...), coal/resin jewelry, if they recipient is into art - charcoal pencils - the theme is the joke, but not hurtful.
If your fiance doesn't give you a heads up about something like this, you can expect more nasty surprises along the way. I would reconsider the nature of that relationship
Ours is "newcomer gets loaded up with baked goods." Both yours and ours are SO much nicer than OP's fiance's family!
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The only coal I would get anyone is those little bags of chocolate wrapped to look like lumps of coal, what the hell is wrong with this family? And her own fiance didn't get her anything after she went out of her way to get heartfelt gifts for everyone and skipped out on her own family celebration for them! I hope she cut this dude out of her life and started the new year without this clown.
“Calling and saying I made it awkward for everyone” one gift of coal, oh that’s a gag, 2 ok I can see that, anymore than that is pushing the “I’m going to break up with you button”. That’s a lot, and for the family to take it to this length, 18 gifts of coal, kind of makes me think how they’re like on a daily. If you’re his fiancée then in reality, you’re not new, it was just the first year with them rather than your family, so there might have been a different meaning behind the coal. I remember one year not getting a present because everyone forgot about me, so I get it and I feel you 100%. This is a moment for you to really think about the relationship and the family, because no matter what, you marry him and you marry his family as well.
Give him back ... actually no - KEEP the damn ring and get rid of the guy!
Get a designer product box, s**t in it and had that over as a present....then if they say anything just say "Oh it's a tradition"
If Dan had told her and prepared her in advance, then I think she should have been expected to be ok with that (as it was his family's tradition so in a way she shouldn't really challenge it). But the fact that he didn't give her any warning? And you're marrying him??
That wasn't a gag, or having fun, that was pure HAZING, hatred and bullying. Then to have the AUDACITY to say she embarrassed HIM!!! Run, girl RUN! He didn't even bother to buy her a real gift, no one did. That is one dysfunctional jerk family.
RUN! Stay away from someone that allows you to be humiliated. He is the same as his cruel family. I hope you see the huge red flag in front of you. RUN! This is what he will teach any future child...to be cruel.
Her fiance could have told the family what she likes. Sounds like it's just a way to keep from spending money on her. As she opened each piece of coal, she should've given them the coal back and took her present to them back and keyed all their cars on her way to be with people who care about her.
Haven't these people ever heard of gift cards? Geez. Don't know what to get someone? Gift card.
The only way I'd have given him a pass is if he said something like "My family has a tradition of weird gifts the first time they meet someone. Here's an extra special gift from me to make up for it." Keeps the surprise, but balances it a bit. Even then, 1 single gift that's a piece of coal would have gotten the joke across, how many times can you laugh at the same punchline?
Families who have "traditions" to humiliate newcomers are the worst. It's almost a cultish behaviour, creating "us vs them" dynamic between family members who already went thru humiliation initiation and "outsiders" where members feel better than an outsider. Very unwelcoming and just awful.
Coal as gift was once tradition to tell you you're too naughty to get any other xmasgift. So they would judge her without knowing her - 18 f.....ng times!!! This is one redflag But being upset cause of her reaction instead of comforting her or apologizing is a great redflagged exitsign not to marry in this family
if they did this when only one or two of them was coal, yta but i mean even the FIANCÉ got her coal and nothing else so nta
"It's just easier for my family to give new people coal since they don't really know them well." Is coal easier to buy than a generic gift, like chocolate? Those people are a******s.
It probably depends if it's something they already have (e.g. if they use coal for heating), or if they buy it especially for their bizarre tradition. If the latter, it could be more hassle: you can buy a box of chocolates just about anywhere, but relatively few places will sell coal, and it doesn't usually come in packs of 18 pieces, but in big heavy bags which are awkward (delivery may be possible but that requires more premeditation than getting a simple generic gift), then after you've taken out the required number of pieces and hopefully washed them before gift wrapping them, do you store the remainder until someone else joins the family?
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If that's what they do the first Christmas then I would make that the last Christmas spent with them. Period.
humiliation and bullying aside, this is the most important red flag to not marry that guy. When you marry someone you basically are marrying their family too. She'll have to deal with these a******s her entire life if she does, and most importantly, if the fiancé didn't tell her anything to warn her, he must be just like the rest of his family. So I'd run away from him asap
We have a saying we've been using with my son who doesn't realize when the funny has worn off- "once is funny, twice is annoying, three times in unnecessary ". It should never have gotten to 18
Run away! Can you imagine what this POS family will do at your wedding? When I was in college and away from home, a coworker invited me to his mom's house for Christmas so I wouldn't spend it alone. I didn't know the family, so I brought flowers for his mom, as I had been raised to not arrive empty handed. His mom and my coworker gave me cute little kitchen gadgets as I had moved across the country and didn't have much. I was so honored to be among these nice people.
This is the worst in joke I have ever heard. Trick questions that only family will know the answer to; joke presents that elicit laughter from ALL; etc. But 18 pieces of coal is an insult not to be tolerated.
NTA how lazy and disrespectful of him and his family. The first one, ok, chalk that up to being a funny joke but 18???WTF no.... Note: I have done this for family members, one a piece, as a JOKE and gave them proper presents as well.
Make sure they get as good as they give. Get a bag of Kinsford and some paper sacks and a stapler. Anniversary...coal. announce to their friends that it's a tradition. Birthday...coal. Tradition. Valentine's...coal. Fill a heart box with coal. Tradition. Mothers day...coal. Laugh and say it's a young diamond. Tradition. When the big bag is almost empty. Break up with a bag of coal. Tell him it's TRADITION.
My mom was a mail carrier and around the holidays people on her route would often leave chocolates or something (she once got a bottle of wine lol) in their mailbox for her. Some of them are literal strangers who’ve never even seen or spoken to her yet they managed to show more thought and compassion than this persons future in-laws. Wtf
I would consider marrying into this family. They sound like they are not nice people on the inside. Think about how they've been with you on other occasions and what may happen in the future. Also consider how your family treats new people. If your family has traditions that hurt or embarras others then you should probably rethink your own reactions. If your family treats others in a welcoming and kind way then do you want to introduce this behavior to your family. Toxic behavior has a way of spreading
What an incredibly cruel & insensitive thing to do to someone, regardless of whether they're about to join the family or not. In this case, I hope NOT - even your FIANCEE gave you coal? His family is nothing but bullies. Take this as the red flag it is. This wasn't a joke, this was a test to see how much they can get away with. RUN.
NTA hopefully you took your gifts back , that sucks big time, that whole family are jerks and your fiance
OP ought to use the coal and burn all bridges with this cr*p*ss fiance and his family. Hopefully Santa dumps more coal on them during the next holiday.
It's not actually that hard to get coal. Most big box hardware stores and tractor supply stores carry it, as well as fireplace stores. And Amazon, of course. Actually, it's more surprising if they ONLY got 18 pieces, since a standard bag seems to be about 40 pounds of coal.
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This sounds exactly like something my family would do (while also making fun of you and telling you how much you deserve the coal). There's a emreadon I'm NC.
I come from a big family, our only meeting the new relationship tradition is joking with the person that there will be a test at the end of the night to see if you remember all the names. I could see this working into something fun though. Do a white elephant exchange and someone gets a bag of coal, next Christmas they give the bag of coal and make some silly tradition of what the person who gets the coal has to do, wear a silly hat all night or sing a Christmas song
Take the coal you have gifts for them next year :P ... or there was some company which turns people ashes into zircon... so maybe it is working with coal.... you can then wrote big "thank you" on all windows. I think it would be fun if there was one real gift from fiancé (or he just don't know you too?? )
The only present that he got her was coal?? Her FIANCÉ. He didn’t even just not tell her about this, he gave. her. coal. I would not marry this man.
My father would have called it "checking her sense of humor". I call it for what it really is, seeing how much bullying they will take. My mother was miserable with his "humor" tests. I HATE bullies with a passion.
Test his humor. Blue m&ms and adult diapers.
Load More Replies... He should have warned her, it's not as if it was a pleasant surprise for her. That way she could have given all of them a piece of coal too as the 'newby' and let the fun and games commence!
Party of the hazing is the not warning her. He's totally complicit.
Load More Replies... Exactly as Deborah Harris2 says - then it might have actually been funny - everyone gets coal! But for them to accept her thoughtful gifts and not see the wrong in what they've done is bizarre and probably shows they don't have much emotional intelligence or empathy. I definitely wouldn't rush to marry into a family like that! And WTH is wrong with Dan, why is he buying her coal?? Surely he knows her well enough to choose a gift for her. This bit is mind boggling. I don't think this relationship can be saved at this point.
One piece of coal, one, would have been fine. I'd have found it quite funny if it happened to me. 18 pieces though, to sit there and have everyone watch 18 TIMES is actually pretty sick. Even if that was your twisted sense of humour wouldn't it get really boring after like the 3rd piece? A) The fiancé should have warned her B) he shouldn't have joined in C) he should have got her a real present - other than the gift of showing her his true colours.
Exactly! If the first gift is coal, then the 2nd gift better be Diamonds!!
Load More Replies... I would have picked up every single one of their presents I got them and taken them all back ( even if they had opened them) and handed them each a piece of the coal. I would have then laughed, wished them a merry effing Xmas, packed my bags and gone. She also needs to ditch the fiancé. If that is what his family thinks is funny, she will have bigger problems in the future.
Why not a tradition of $50 each for the newcomer, with a lovely card saying looking forward to getting to know you so I can disappoint you next year with a gift I pick out.
Now THAT would be hilarious and also make the newcomer feel great!
Load More Replies... This "tradition" really shows how uncomfortable this family is with welcoming new people and their attempt to gain control over the outsider. They are essentially saying if you want to be part of this family you have to put up with the way we treat you and if you stand up for yourself then we're going to gaslight you and beat you down again. They are showing who is in charge and who matters, and they are doing something like this so the new person will either cede control to the family or leave. Any truly loving family would not do this because they would realize how hurtful it is to give a new family member prank gifts like this on their first Christmas with them when that person is already feeling anxious about being welcomed into the family.
Aww, it's okay! With the nice new coal from your EFFING FIANCE, you can light things on fire and lob the flaming rocks at that pathetic excuse for a family's heads!
My mother and I never got along. Having a gay son wasn't in her master plan and she wasn't shy about telling me. So, there's no reason I have to explain why I moved 3,000 miles away from my family. One Christmas my mother tells me I need to plan to fly out west because my siblings were all going to be there and she's like one more family Christmas. I was honest and told her that I couldn't afford the plane ticket. She got really judgmental and told me to figure it out and then that I needed to figure out my finances and get my s**t together. I had just gotten robbed financially in a horrible break up. She knew that. It's what I got for being gay. Finally, I agreed that I would come home for Christmas. At the very least, I figured she'd give me some cash per usual and it would offset the cost of the plane ticket. I then told my siblings I was coming, but that I'd prefer if we didn't exchange gifts as I was strapped. They all agreed. I get home and am made to sleep on the basement floor,
but my siblings and their kids all had beds or air mattresses. She wouldn't even let me sleep on her couch because she wants it available in case she stays up late or gets up early. I finally got ahold of an old friend who let me use her spare bedroom. Christmas morning rolls around and I am a bit blown away by the amount of gifts laid out. Looked like the grandkids were getting spoiled. Well as it turns out, everyone got spoiled but me. I didn't even get a gift. My mom said, "Before you get all upset, I didn't get you anything because you'd have to take it home with you on the plane." As she says this, I'm watching my older brother and his family, who also flew in open a ton of gifts. When everyone noticed my mother had not gotten me anything the room got uncomfortably quiet. I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the house and back to my friend's house. I packed my bag and booked a shuttle to the airport. My brother caught up to me and said they were all blown away and told our mom
Load More Replies... People tell children that if they misbehave, they will get coal for Christmas. Giving coal to adult as gag gift is rather childish, but if they gave her real gift after that, I would understand. Giving someone only coal, after that person bought you gifts for Christmas, is simply cruel. Fiancé and his family are bunch of AHs.
There were currently "coal" chocolates I saw that can work as stocking stuffers, but that's about it
Load More Replies... Genius, it's the opposite of bonding with a potential lifelong family member --- it's binding the previous/remaining ones together by excluding the new one. Also a good test in how much c**p newbies are willing to take, to see if you can later make them dance to your pipes.
My husband, who is one of 7 children, warned me that his family's tradition was that the new guest had to do the dishes. He was the only one not married, so there were also in laws and children. I refused. They continued to bully me for 25 years until I refused to go there anymore!
They should all just wear T-shirts saying “ We’re a bunch of a-holes”. It would save time. After this bit of bullying, they are running through the bully’s handbook - it was funny, you’re too sensitive, it’s a tradition etc. The real problem is Dan participated in this. He has shown you what he is and what life in his family is. Run.
Wow. I got nothing and I feel like I did better than this person did from their fiance. Dude and his family are f@#$ed up people.
After opening the second one I would have asked if they were all the same. Then I would have taken back the ones I gave and give them the coal saying "If you don't understand then look up the tradition of giving coal at Christmas" and then I would have gone home
Demeaning a newcomer - that's what Christmas is all about, folks. But truly she did receive a gift more precious than gold - a warning to stay as far away from this family of sadistic misfits now and forever. This "tradition" is almost certainly not the only sociopathic trait in this family.
If OP decides to still marry this dude (I sure as sh!t wouldn't!) she should be very concerned what "traditions" his family will pull at the actual wedding. As low as they went for Christmas, imagine how much lower they will sink for a wedding, when all eyes will be on the poor bride!
I would of taken all the giftsI got for him and family and peaced out. It’s a lame tradition and quite lazy. OP didn’t know some family members but still got them chocolates.
So the family has a long standing tradition of treating people like c**p by doing this, and "Dan" thought it was so neat-o that he actually went along with it? this lady should run for the hills.
I've recently read a quote which says that Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
you are NTA, but your fiance and his family are. One is a joke, two is rude, 18 is inexcusable. Fiance is an a$$hat. Hazing by future family is cruel. Get out while you can. Flipside, to the future family, there are other ways to do this - coal themed gifts - charcoal sketch, charcoal coloured items (hats, gloves, scarves, socks, thermal mugs, sheets...), coal/resin jewelry, if they recipient is into art - charcoal pencils - the theme is the joke, but not hurtful.
If your fiance doesn't give you a heads up about something like this, you can expect more nasty surprises along the way. I would reconsider the nature of that relationship
Ours is "newcomer gets loaded up with baked goods." Both yours and ours are SO much nicer than OP's fiance's family!
Load More Replies... The only coal I would get anyone is those little bags of chocolate wrapped to look like lumps of coal, what the hell is wrong with this family? And her own fiance didn't get her anything after she went out of her way to get heartfelt gifts for everyone and skipped out on her own family celebration for them! I hope she cut this dude out of her life and started the new year without this clown.
“Calling and saying I made it awkward for everyone” one gift of coal, oh that’s a gag, 2 ok I can see that, anymore than that is pushing the “I’m going to break up with you button”. That’s a lot, and for the family to take it to this length, 18 gifts of coal, kind of makes me think how they’re like on a daily. If you’re his fiancée then in reality, you’re not new, it was just the first year with them rather than your family, so there might have been a different meaning behind the coal. I remember one year not getting a present because everyone forgot about me, so I get it and I feel you 100%. This is a moment for you to really think about the relationship and the family, because no matter what, you marry him and you marry his family as well.
Give him back ... actually no - KEEP the damn ring and get rid of the guy!
Get a designer product box, s**t in it and had that over as a present....then if they say anything just say "Oh it's a tradition"
If Dan had told her and prepared her in advance, then I think she should have been expected to be ok with that (as it was his family's tradition so in a way she shouldn't really challenge it). But the fact that he didn't give her any warning? And you're marrying him??
That wasn't a gag, or having fun, that was pure HAZING, hatred and bullying. Then to have the AUDACITY to say she embarrassed HIM!!! Run, girl RUN! He didn't even bother to buy her a real gift, no one did. That is one dysfunctional jerk family.
RUN! Stay away from someone that allows you to be humiliated. He is the same as his cruel family. I hope you see the huge red flag in front of you. RUN! This is what he will teach any future child...to be cruel.
Her fiance could have told the family what she likes. Sounds like it's just a way to keep from spending money on her. As she opened each piece of coal, she should've given them the coal back and took her present to them back and keyed all their cars on her way to be with people who care about her.
Haven't these people ever heard of gift cards? Geez. Don't know what to get someone? Gift card.
The only way I'd have given him a pass is if he said something like "My family has a tradition of weird gifts the first time they meet someone. Here's an extra special gift from me to make up for it." Keeps the surprise, but balances it a bit. Even then, 1 single gift that's a piece of coal would have gotten the joke across, how many times can you laugh at the same punchline?
Families who have "traditions" to humiliate newcomers are the worst. It's almost a cultish behaviour, creating "us vs them" dynamic between family members who already went thru humiliation initiation and "outsiders" where members feel better than an outsider. Very unwelcoming and just awful.
Coal as gift was once tradition to tell you you're too naughty to get any other xmasgift. So they would judge her without knowing her - 18 f.....ng times!!! This is one redflag But being upset cause of her reaction instead of comforting her or apologizing is a great redflagged exitsign not to marry in this family
if they did this when only one or two of them was coal, yta but i mean even the FIANCÉ got her coal and nothing else so nta
"It's just easier for my family to give new people coal since they don't really know them well." Is coal easier to buy than a generic gift, like chocolate? Those people are a******s.
It probably depends if it's something they already have (e.g. if they use coal for heating), or if they buy it especially for their bizarre tradition. If the latter, it could be more hassle: you can buy a box of chocolates just about anywhere, but relatively few places will sell coal, and it doesn't usually come in packs of 18 pieces, but in big heavy bags which are awkward (delivery may be possible but that requires more premeditation than getting a simple generic gift), then after you've taken out the required number of pieces and hopefully washed them before gift wrapping them, do you store the remainder until someone else joins the family?
Load More Replies... If that's what they do the first Christmas then I would make that the last Christmas spent with them. Period.
humiliation and bullying aside, this is the most important red flag to not marry that guy. When you marry someone you basically are marrying their family too. She'll have to deal with these a******s her entire life if she does, and most importantly, if the fiancé didn't tell her anything to warn her, he must be just like the rest of his family. So I'd run away from him asap
We have a saying we've been using with my son who doesn't realize when the funny has worn off- "once is funny, twice is annoying, three times in unnecessary ". It should never have gotten to 18
Run away! Can you imagine what this POS family will do at your wedding? When I was in college and away from home, a coworker invited me to his mom's house for Christmas so I wouldn't spend it alone. I didn't know the family, so I brought flowers for his mom, as I had been raised to not arrive empty handed. His mom and my coworker gave me cute little kitchen gadgets as I had moved across the country and didn't have much. I was so honored to be among these nice people.
This is the worst in joke I have ever heard. Trick questions that only family will know the answer to; joke presents that elicit laughter from ALL; etc. But 18 pieces of coal is an insult not to be tolerated.
NTA how lazy and disrespectful of him and his family. The first one, ok, chalk that up to being a funny joke but 18???WTF no.... Note: I have done this for family members, one a piece, as a JOKE and gave them proper presents as well.
Make sure they get as good as they give. Get a bag of Kinsford and some paper sacks and a stapler. Anniversary...coal. announce to their friends that it's a tradition. Birthday...coal. Tradition. Valentine's...coal. Fill a heart box with coal. Tradition. Mothers day...coal. Laugh and say it's a young diamond. Tradition. When the big bag is almost empty. Break up with a bag of coal. Tell him it's TRADITION.
My mom was a mail carrier and around the holidays people on her route would often leave chocolates or something (she once got a bottle of wine lol) in their mailbox for her. Some of them are literal strangers who’ve never even seen or spoken to her yet they managed to show more thought and compassion than this persons future in-laws. Wtf
I would consider marrying into this family. They sound like they are not nice people on the inside. Think about how they've been with you on other occasions and what may happen in the future. Also consider how your family treats new people. If your family has traditions that hurt or embarras others then you should probably rethink your own reactions. If your family treats others in a welcoming and kind way then do you want to introduce this behavior to your family. Toxic behavior has a way of spreading
What an incredibly cruel & insensitive thing to do to someone, regardless of whether they're about to join the family or not. In this case, I hope NOT - even your FIANCEE gave you coal? His family is nothing but bullies. Take this as the red flag it is. This wasn't a joke, this was a test to see how much they can get away with. RUN.
NTA hopefully you took your gifts back , that sucks big time, that whole family are jerks and your fiance
OP ought to use the coal and burn all bridges with this cr*p*ss fiance and his family. Hopefully Santa dumps more coal on them during the next holiday.
It's not actually that hard to get coal. Most big box hardware stores and tractor supply stores carry it, as well as fireplace stores. And Amazon, of course. Actually, it's more surprising if they ONLY got 18 pieces, since a standard bag seems to be about 40 pounds of coal.
Load More Replies... This sounds exactly like something my family would do (while also making fun of you and telling you how much you deserve the coal). There's a emreadon I'm NC.
I come from a big family, our only meeting the new relationship tradition is joking with the person that there will be a test at the end of the night to see if you remember all the names. I could see this working into something fun though. Do a white elephant exchange and someone gets a bag of coal, next Christmas they give the bag of coal and make some silly tradition of what the person who gets the coal has to do, wear a silly hat all night or sing a Christmas song
Take the coal you have gifts for them next year :P ... or there was some company which turns people ashes into zircon... so maybe it is working with coal.... you can then wrote big "thank you" on all windows. I think it would be fun if there was one real gift from fiancé (or he just don't know you too?? )
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