Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
There are certain social boundaries you can’t easily cross. For example, another person’s religion, race, and ethnicity are touchy subjects to joke about. Doing so could lead to conflict, just like what happened to the couple in this story.
The man poked fun at his Colombian fiancée’s upbringing in front of his friends. She bit back and called him out for it, leading to a suddenly silent dinner table.
Her response didn’t sit well with the man, who felt embarrassed and tried to turn the tables on her. She now wonders if her reaction was out of line.
RELATED:
A person’s ethnic background is one of the touchy subjects to joke about
Image credits: Mike Jones/Pexels (not the actual photo)
A woman experienced this from her fiancé during a dinner with his friends
Image credits: Helena Lopes/Pexels (not the actual photo)
She felt deeply embarrassed, especially coming from her significant other
Image credits: Drazen Zigic/Pexels (not the actual photo)
When the woman called him out, he turned the tables on her for being “too sensitive”
Image credits: Nines21
Cultural generalizations are a source of bad jokes, which are often hurtful
Image credits: Kindel Media/Pexels (not the actual photo)
There is an old ethnic joke that picks on multiple nationalities at once. It goes, “Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss.”
These generalizations are commonplace and often uttered in jest. However, such stereotypes may also ignite prejudice and discrimination.
The Oxford Review explains that stereotyping may lead to misunderstandings reinforcing negative biases, even if they originate from common knowledge. Worse, they may lead to microaggressions.
Stereotyping may affect the person receiving it emotionally and behaviorally. Psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, notes that this is a stereotype threat, where people fear they are at risk of confirming these negative biases. Over time, it can cause feelings of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt.
“Dealing with the threat consumes cognitive resources and leaves people less able to succeed in the situation, which then reinforces the stereotype,” Morin wrote in an article for Very Well Mind, adding that unpleasant typecasting may become a self-fulfilling prophecy for the person experiencing it.
Apart from the backhanded racism the author experienced, she was also made to be a laughing stock in front of people she wasn’t close with. Duke University psychology professor Dr. Mark Leary calls this “targeted” embarrassment, where a person directly embarrasses their partner to get some laughs.
In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Dr. Leary stated that raising the issue with your significant other is the best course of action. However, timing is critical. Opening the conversation at a social gathering may not be the best idea.
Instead, Dr. Leary advises waiting for a neutral moment when you two are alone. However, marriage counseling might be the solution if such incidents are repetitive.
In this story, the author could have avoided bringing up the issue at dinner, as it may have ruined the night. However, her reaction was also understandable, given the nature of the jokes and how they may perpetuate negative stereotypes about her upbringing
Most commenters agreed that the man’s actions were inappropriate, with some suggesting a break-up
But there were a few who thought her reaction was out of insecurity about her upbringing
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
What do you think ?
Depressy spaghetti 10 months ago
Major asshats. Its sickening that they think its okay to make racist jokes. Fvcking twats.
Load More Replies...
Deborah B 10 months ago
So this guy made a racist joke, they laughed, you clapped back, and you're the problem? Is this really the group you want to be friends with? Your BF said something objectively rude and incorrect, and you correcting him is wrong and makes him angry? Is this the guy you want to have as a partner?
Alexandra 10 months ago
So, once again, a woman has to hold her tongue in public and confront him in private but it's totally acceptable if a man insults his gf in public? Why can't people see the double standard in this?
Marianne 10 months ago
I'm German and even I feel offended by that joke. What, she doesnt have to travel for an "authentic experience"? He seems to think that all the world is just a backdrop for US-Americans to make "authentic experiences".
Hakitosama 10 months ago
Right off the bat when they said "EuRoPe wAs sO aUtHeNtIc" I was like EXCUSE YOU ? WE'RE NOT YOUR AMUSEMENT PARK AH! and then it got worse ...sooooo much WORSE
Load More Replies...
Jihana 10 months ago
I work for a highly multi cultural organisation with the colleagues of my team alone coming from 7 different countries. Yes, we tease each others culture, and yes, it can be done in a respectful way. Even the ones from the same country make jokes, like one Italian doubted the other one was actually from Italy since he did not want basil with his pasta. The fake disbelief in his voice still cracks me up. But this "joke" sounds more like all people of color are basically apes and have to bow down to the superior race. Nothing funny about that.
Northlander72 10 months ago
Yeah, I picked up on that too; calling her s monkey while avoiding using the actual word.
Load More Replies...
XenoMurph 10 months ago
It might have been intended as a joke. but it does show how deepseated our outdated attitudes can be. My daughter looked at me shocked the other day when I said something I might have said back in the 1990s. I was shocked myself when I realised it. Nothing terrible, but it contrasted with my usual persona. It just came out of the blue, and I realised i have not banished those old casually prejudicial sayings from my vocabulary. This man's joke seems like he still pictures people from other cultures as "backward". Not intellectually, not in the forefront of his mind, but it still lingers somewhere. Can we all truly rid ourselves of the less sensitive 20th centuryesque culture we grew up in? I'm no longer so sure of that.
Crystalwitch60 10 months ago (edited)
YTA trolls F off back to your bridge n stay there your all a******s ! Your all clearly nasty male bullies to ! Op NTA he basically called you a bloody monkey ! Which is a full on racist comment I was in bits at your reply so so funny calm and well delivered like David you just your a**e handed back to you on a plate 😂as a woman I’d say run fast cos he’s showing his true colours now and I’m preterm sure your way to good to be married to a racist lovely you deserve better he’s a bully anyone as makes one person the butt of a joke is not joking they re bullying end off Blessed be
Petra Peitsch 10 months ago
There is that saying about someone showung their true colors ... I may say, OP should reconsider this engagement.
Zero Costa 10 months ago
3 years in and he's still making "jokes" like this. beloved girlie you are too good for this
Peter Bear 10 months ago
It's pretty easy to find the bigots in the comments. Anyone that things OP is in any way wrong here needs to deeply re-examine their own worldviews.
sweet emotion 10 months ago
Let's play that old game of "Guess the gender of the people saying YTA".
marianne eliza 10 months ago
But of course it's all her fault because she's "too sensitive". Standard reply of the passive-aggressive personality.
Daniel Gómez 10 months ago
As a Colombian who's had to hear a million times the "ah, you come from (any drúg related nonsense)" cliché, or something degrading because I'm not from a "developed" country people don't care to do more research about, I get her point.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
I like how she's too sensitive but the guy is the one crying and sulking. A real man and person that cared would have acknowledged their wrongdoing and apologized. lmao
SkippityBoppityBoo 10 months ago
"Eating off banana leaves in the jungle"? ... That is blatantly racist and the whole "You're OverSensitive!!!" thing? My gosh... That's been leveled at myself more than a few times. Nope, I'm not. You're the one who is being very highly insulting and ignorant. I do have a few choice replies ready these days though, ones that will leave you in two minds as to what I said was an insult or just a generic response 👍🙂
Janelle Collard 10 months ago (edited)
Absolutely. He was trying to be "cute + witty" + he comes off as a racist, as do his friends. Hope OP dumped his a**.
Load More Replies...
StumblingThroughLife 10 months ago (edited)
We see the OP's viewpoint, read the replies.... and again, a no (posted on BP) resolution. As I've said before, if you're going to read a book with a missing last chapter, it's frustrating getting invested. OP: NTA, Fiancée, a racist who doesn't seem to realise he's a racist.
Unproductive Pigeon 10 months ago
Even if he realized that he said something dumb to get laughs in the moment and apologized, that could be forgivable. But then to go on and be rude and uptight to her for days bc he just can’t admit that he did something wrong … girl please leave him
Willie D'Kay 10 months ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Thankfully unentangling a life before marriage is a lot easier. Bullet dodged. The yta comments scream white privilege.
zims 10 months ago
If that's the kind of joke he's comfortable saying in front of her, imagine the ones he tells behind her back. There are already yellow flags from how uncomfortable she feels around his friends, the fact that they all laughed pushes it into the red. That he's upset about her embarrassing him is just the icing on the cake. This might not be an immediate breakup scenario, but I'd take a long hard look at his past behaviors to see if there's a pattern she's been ignoring. He clearly expects her to prioritize his image above her own, if nothing else.
SheamusFanFrom1987 10 months ago
YTA fuggnuts, I fully expect you to just bite your tongues when I insult you (which I will) in any way, shape or form, you hear? What is OP still doing with Dumbsh*t David after his insensitive c**p? I seriously hope at this point she has dumped him to the tune of "That's on you. You slipped on a Columbian banana peel." SMH!!!
Laura A Ivett 10 months ago
Hes a pile of s**t, you didnt embarrass him, he embarrassed himself by being ignorant. And of course he said he was joking, but he wasn't, it's only a joke when you get called out for your s**t behavior. You absolutely should not have laughed it off, him even suggesting that is crossing so many boundaries and into massive red flag and a*****e territory. Let him be mad and soak all he wants you stand your ground he's just mad because he made a fool of himself
Dave Morris 10 months ago
He embarrased himself in front of his friends. Probably time to cut your losses and dump his a*s.
Christine Stewart 10 months ago
Typical bully- they say something offensive, and claim it was a "joke" when the target strikes back. I hope OP decides that this man should be her "ex-fiance".
Renee H. 10 months ago
OP you are NTA! Your hopefully soon to be ex fiance was disrespectful.He should be defending the woman he is supposedly loves. If this is how he is now, can you imagine his attitude once you're married. His racist friends can take a flying leap as well. You deserve better!
Broadredpanda 10 months ago
All the YTAs are a f******g absolute joke and trashy racists! You’d NEVER think this behaviour was ok if you weren’t! Trolls with nothing better to do and are disgusting POS! Keyboard clowns 🤡 do us a favour and take a long run off a short pier!🖕🖕🖕🖕
painttheyellowsubgreen 10 months ago
She's already uncomfortable with these people, and the only reason for them to have said the things they've already said are, 1 they are all racist or, 2 he talks like that about her to them. If you want to know the content of someones character look at who they associate with. All of them laughed. He's racist, and a would be abuser. He thinks he's got her locked down enough that a sliver of who he really is just slipped out. Be careful of baby trapping and run, do not walk away from this man.
Lousha 10 months ago
I'm from Hungary, a country lots of people on this Earth never even heard of, much less knows anything about. I lived abroad for years, and also know lots of Hungarians who lived in/visited all sorts of other countries. For all of us, there were countless instances where people asked if back home we know what money is, if we travel on horseback, silly stuff like that. (Not romantic partners, just co-workers, random people in a bus stop etc.) Depending on the person, some would laugh it off, others would take offence, and some would turn the tables and e.g. convince these poor suckers that they were amazed by the TVs in the US because back home we only have triangle shaped ones, so we never see the whole image... I never enjoyed comments/questions like these, but to me it does make a difference if they are made with (intentional or unintentional) malice, or they come from simple ignorance. If it's the former, I'm out.
Steve Shaw 10 months ago
This has actually happened to a lady friend of mine. Her response. They were single after dinner. Please respect Yourself.
Sophie de Ronde 10 months ago
Did "dontbeagroupie" actually type "Bite your tongue"?!?!?! That in itself indicates that there was offense to be taken at David's comment.
Agat 10 months ago
Okay, can someone explain to me how saying that someone grew up eating off banana leaves is wrong? So many places in the world eat like that, and it's awesome? And it doesn't get more "authentic" than this! I really have no idea how this was supposed to be an insult of it's just normal in so many cultures. You know the saying "don't threaten me with a good time" - this is similar, "don't try to insult me with something that is awesome". But mainly, I don't know, hard to believe anyone would be as dumb as to think that there's anything bad in using banana leaves... So maybe I'm naive but maybe he didn't mean anything bad?
PeepPeep the duck 10 months ago (edited)
I agree, growing up doing the same in my backyard in Aus (raised by Asians) buuuut this was an issue of context. We all know banana leaves are the king of plates and steamed goods but he made it out like she basically came from an old racist warner brothers ‘jungle people’ cartoon from the 1940s
Load More Replies...
Depressy spaghetti 10 months ago
Major asshats. Its sickening that they think its okay to make racist jokes. Fvcking twats.
Load More Replies... Deborah B 10 months ago
So this guy made a racist joke, they laughed, you clapped back, and you're the problem? Is this really the group you want to be friends with? Your BF said something objectively rude and incorrect, and you correcting him is wrong and makes him angry? Is this the guy you want to have as a partner?
Alexandra 10 months ago
So, once again, a woman has to hold her tongue in public and confront him in private but it's totally acceptable if a man insults his gf in public? Why can't people see the double standard in this?
Marianne 10 months ago
I'm German and even I feel offended by that joke. What, she doesnt have to travel for an "authentic experience"? He seems to think that all the world is just a backdrop for US-Americans to make "authentic experiences".
Hakitosama 10 months ago
Right off the bat when they said "EuRoPe wAs sO aUtHeNtIc" I was like EXCUSE YOU ? WE'RE NOT YOUR AMUSEMENT PARK AH! and then it got worse ...sooooo much WORSE
Load More Replies... Jihana 10 months ago
I work for a highly multi cultural organisation with the colleagues of my team alone coming from 7 different countries. Yes, we tease each others culture, and yes, it can be done in a respectful way. Even the ones from the same country make jokes, like one Italian doubted the other one was actually from Italy since he did not want basil with his pasta. The fake disbelief in his voice still cracks me up. But this "joke" sounds more like all people of color are basically apes and have to bow down to the superior race. Nothing funny about that.
Northlander72 10 months ago
Yeah, I picked up on that too; calling her s monkey while avoiding using the actual word.
Load More Replies... XenoMurph 10 months ago
It might have been intended as a joke. but it does show how deepseated our outdated attitudes can be. My daughter looked at me shocked the other day when I said something I might have said back in the 1990s. I was shocked myself when I realised it. Nothing terrible, but it contrasted with my usual persona. It just came out of the blue, and I realised i have not banished those old casually prejudicial sayings from my vocabulary. This man's joke seems like he still pictures people from other cultures as "backward". Not intellectually, not in the forefront of his mind, but it still lingers somewhere. Can we all truly rid ourselves of the less sensitive 20th centuryesque culture we grew up in? I'm no longer so sure of that.
Crystalwitch60 10 months ago (edited)
YTA trolls F off back to your bridge n stay there your all a******s ! Your all clearly nasty male bullies to ! Op NTA he basically called you a bloody monkey ! Which is a full on racist comment I was in bits at your reply so so funny calm and well delivered like David you just your a**e handed back to you on a plate 😂as a woman I’d say run fast cos he’s showing his true colours now and I’m preterm sure your way to good to be married to a racist lovely you deserve better he’s a bully anyone as makes one person the butt of a joke is not joking they re bullying end off Blessed be
Petra Peitsch 10 months ago
There is that saying about someone showung their true colors ... I may say, OP should reconsider this engagement.
Zero Costa 10 months ago
3 years in and he's still making "jokes" like this. beloved girlie you are too good for this
Peter Bear 10 months ago
It's pretty easy to find the bigots in the comments. Anyone that things OP is in any way wrong here needs to deeply re-examine their own worldviews.
sweet emotion 10 months ago
Let's play that old game of "Guess the gender of the people saying YTA".
marianne eliza 10 months ago
But of course it's all her fault because she's "too sensitive". Standard reply of the passive-aggressive personality.
Daniel Gómez 10 months ago
As a Colombian who's had to hear a million times the "ah, you come from (any drúg related nonsense)" cliché, or something degrading because I'm not from a "developed" country people don't care to do more research about, I get her point.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
I like how she's too sensitive but the guy is the one crying and sulking. A real man and person that cared would have acknowledged their wrongdoing and apologized. lmao
SkippityBoppityBoo 10 months ago
"Eating off banana leaves in the jungle"? ... That is blatantly racist and the whole "You're OverSensitive!!!" thing? My gosh... That's been leveled at myself more than a few times. Nope, I'm not. You're the one who is being very highly insulting and ignorant. I do have a few choice replies ready these days though, ones that will leave you in two minds as to what I said was an insult or just a generic response 👍🙂
Janelle Collard 10 months ago (edited)
Absolutely. He was trying to be "cute + witty" + he comes off as a racist, as do his friends. Hope OP dumped his a**.
Load More Replies... StumblingThroughLife 10 months ago (edited)
We see the OP's viewpoint, read the replies.... and again, a no (posted on BP) resolution. As I've said before, if you're going to read a book with a missing last chapter, it's frustrating getting invested. OP: NTA, Fiancée, a racist who doesn't seem to realise he's a racist.
Unproductive Pigeon 10 months ago
Even if he realized that he said something dumb to get laughs in the moment and apologized, that could be forgivable. But then to go on and be rude and uptight to her for days bc he just can’t admit that he did something wrong … girl please leave him
Willie D'Kay 10 months ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Thankfully unentangling a life before marriage is a lot easier. Bullet dodged. The yta comments scream white privilege.
zims 10 months ago
If that's the kind of joke he's comfortable saying in front of her, imagine the ones he tells behind her back. There are already yellow flags from how uncomfortable she feels around his friends, the fact that they all laughed pushes it into the red. That he's upset about her embarrassing him is just the icing on the cake. This might not be an immediate breakup scenario, but I'd take a long hard look at his past behaviors to see if there's a pattern she's been ignoring. He clearly expects her to prioritize his image above her own, if nothing else.
SheamusFanFrom1987 10 months ago
YTA fuggnuts, I fully expect you to just bite your tongues when I insult you (which I will) in any way, shape or form, you hear? What is OP still doing with Dumbsh*t David after his insensitive c**p? I seriously hope at this point she has dumped him to the tune of "That's on you. You slipped on a Columbian banana peel." SMH!!!
Laura A Ivett 10 months ago
Hes a pile of s**t, you didnt embarrass him, he embarrassed himself by being ignorant. And of course he said he was joking, but he wasn't, it's only a joke when you get called out for your s**t behavior. You absolutely should not have laughed it off, him even suggesting that is crossing so many boundaries and into massive red flag and a*****e territory. Let him be mad and soak all he wants you stand your ground he's just mad because he made a fool of himself
Dave Morris 10 months ago
He embarrased himself in front of his friends. Probably time to cut your losses and dump his a*s.
Christine Stewart 10 months ago
Typical bully- they say something offensive, and claim it was a "joke" when the target strikes back. I hope OP decides that this man should be her "ex-fiance".
Renee H. 10 months ago
OP you are NTA! Your hopefully soon to be ex fiance was disrespectful.He should be defending the woman he is supposedly loves. If this is how he is now, can you imagine his attitude once you're married. His racist friends can take a flying leap as well. You deserve better!
Broadredpanda 10 months ago
All the YTAs are a f******g absolute joke and trashy racists! You’d NEVER think this behaviour was ok if you weren’t! Trolls with nothing better to do and are disgusting POS! Keyboard clowns 🤡 do us a favour and take a long run off a short pier!🖕🖕🖕🖕
painttheyellowsubgreen 10 months ago
She's already uncomfortable with these people, and the only reason for them to have said the things they've already said are, 1 they are all racist or, 2 he talks like that about her to them. If you want to know the content of someones character look at who they associate with. All of them laughed. He's racist, and a would be abuser. He thinks he's got her locked down enough that a sliver of who he really is just slipped out. Be careful of baby trapping and run, do not walk away from this man.
Lousha 10 months ago
I'm from Hungary, a country lots of people on this Earth never even heard of, much less knows anything about. I lived abroad for years, and also know lots of Hungarians who lived in/visited all sorts of other countries. For all of us, there were countless instances where people asked if back home we know what money is, if we travel on horseback, silly stuff like that. (Not romantic partners, just co-workers, random people in a bus stop etc.) Depending on the person, some would laugh it off, others would take offence, and some would turn the tables and e.g. convince these poor suckers that they were amazed by the TVs in the US because back home we only have triangle shaped ones, so we never see the whole image... I never enjoyed comments/questions like these, but to me it does make a difference if they are made with (intentional or unintentional) malice, or they come from simple ignorance. If it's the former, I'm out.
Steve Shaw 10 months ago
This has actually happened to a lady friend of mine. Her response. They were single after dinner. Please respect Yourself.
Sophie de Ronde 10 months ago
Did "dontbeagroupie" actually type "Bite your tongue"?!?!?! That in itself indicates that there was offense to be taken at David's comment.
Agat 10 months ago
Okay, can someone explain to me how saying that someone grew up eating off banana leaves is wrong? So many places in the world eat like that, and it's awesome? And it doesn't get more "authentic" than this! I really have no idea how this was supposed to be an insult of it's just normal in so many cultures. You know the saying "don't threaten me with a good time" - this is similar, "don't try to insult me with something that is awesome". But mainly, I don't know, hard to believe anyone would be as dumb as to think that there's anything bad in using banana leaves... So maybe I'm naive but maybe he didn't mean anything bad?
PeepPeep the duck 10 months ago (edited)
I agree, growing up doing the same in my backyard in Aus (raised by Asians) buuuut this was an issue of context. We all know banana leaves are the king of plates and steamed goods but he made it out like she basically came from an old racist warner brothers ‘jungle people’ cartoon from the 1940s
Load More Replies... You May Like Lady Neglects Daughter And Keeps Prioritizing Work, Husband Tired Of Being A Single Parent To Kid Man’s Rant About Girlfriend Eating All The Food Backfires After He Mentions Her Weight "We Had His Funeral Shortly After": Woman’s Concerns About Spouse’s Weird Behavior End In Tragedy
Rūta Zumbrickaitė
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Monika Pašukonytė
Related on Bored Panda
43
74