“‘No’ Isn’t A Code For ‘Try Harder’”: Woman Refuses To Take In Mom Who Ruined Her Childhood

A 2023 report by the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism revealed that around 7.5 million children in the United States live with a parent with an alcohol abuse disorder. Such environments often lead to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. 

The author of today’s story is living proof of these statistics, having dealt with her abusive, alcoholic mother her entire childhood. After moving out and removing herself from the toxicity, the ghosts of her past came back to haunt her after her now homeless mother reached out for help. 

She flat-out refused, only for her relatives to paint her as the villain. It made her wonder if she was, indeed, the cruel, heartless daughter she was made out to be.

Alcoholic parents inflict long-term damage on their children

Woman looking concerned, hand on face, outdoors. Keywords: daughter, waste of space.

Image credits: francescosgura/Envato (not the actual photo)

A woman had her abusive, alcoholic mother reach out to her, asking to move in

Text about a daughter's decision not to let her alcoholic mother move in, highlighting newfound independence.

Text detailing a daughter's challenging relationship with her alcoholic mom.

Text excerpt describes a mother calling her daughter a waste of space and a life-ruiner, highlighting a troubled relationship.

Text describing a daughter recalling painful childhood, CPS visit, mother misleading authorities.

Text reveals daughter's struggles from trauma; therapy aids her peaceful life-building journey after being called a "waste of space.

Text message about eviction and pleading for help, highlighting family conflict.

A woman in distress with hand on forehead, wearing a striped shirt, representing a tense family moment.

Image credits: stevanovicigor/Envato (not the actual photo)

She refused but came off as the ungrateful and “selfish” daughter

Text exchange shows tension between daughter and mom over past grievances and current living situation.

Text discussing a daughter's struggle with family pressure to support her mother.

Text expressing guilt and fear about letting someone in, with concern for lost peace, ending with "AITA?

Image credits: practice40hrsz

Children never outgrow the effects of having an alcoholic parent, even when they leave home

Woman with blonde hair and maroon jacket gazing out of a window, contemplating life changes and finding personal space.

Image credits: Lance Reis/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

The author admitted that she has yet to get through the traumatic experience of growing up with her mother. According to psychotherapist Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW, the full impact may not manifest until years later. 

In her article for PsychCentral, Dr. Martin explains that the personality traits and relationship patterns that one may have developed to cope may affect a person’s professional life, romantic relationships, and even parenting methods. 

“They show up as anxiety, depression, substance abuse, stress, anger, and relationship problems,” she wrote. 

Dr. Martin describes alcoholic homes as “chaotic” and “unpredictable,” adding that everyone typically walks on eggshells around the abuser. And because of the erratic behaviors, “you never know who would be there or what mood they’d be in.” 

“There may have been a lot of overt tension and conflict,” Dr. Martin stated. “Or you might have sensed all the tension just below the surface like a volcano waiting to erupt.”

According to Dr. Martin, children of alcoholics may still have the urge to rescue their parents. This may explain why the author feels a sense of guilt about refusing to help her mother. 

Limiting interactions is the best way to deal with an abusive parent

Elderly woman with long hair and sunglasses on her head, looking pensive outdoors on a sunny day.

Image credits: David Ross/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Based on the author’s account, her mother hasn’t changed her abusive ways, gaslighting her when she refused to take her in. Worse, other family members also piled on her. 

According to author and psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, limiting interactions would be the way to go. As she explained in an article for Choosing Therapy, the distance decreases the chances of their abusive behavior. Gillis even encourages going no-contact if the situation calls for it. 

Gillis also emphasizes that the abused person shouldn’t allow themselves to be burdened by guilt or self-doubt. 

“You were powerless to stop or change any abuse you experienced as a child,” she wrote, adding that it is important to remind yourself that it wasn’t your fault and that you are taking the necessary steps to move forward. 

The author shouldn’t feel guilty about refusing to take her mother in, regardless of what the rest of her family says. It’s within her right to prioritize herself and move far away from the trauma and every reminder of it. 

Most commenters sided with the author

Comment addressing abusive mom, questioning relatives' concern, with strong language against past neglect and support for daughter.

Text post discussing trauma, healing, and setting boundaries with a difficult mother.

Reddit comment on family issues; daughter advised to question or block unsupportive family.

Comment discussing tough love for alcoholics, suggesting hitting rock bottom is necessary for recovery.

Reddit comment discussing reasons for not helping, suggesting shelter locations instead.

Reddit comment advising against enabling a toxic mother-daughter relationship.

Text from a forum comment discussing trauma and parental relationships.

Comment defending a stance on setting boundaries and avoiding disrespectful behavior.

Reddit comment questioning why other relatives can't help, in a discussion about family issues.

Reddit comment discussing parental guilt and boundaries.

Comment on negative impact of relationship with mother, suggesting starting a new life.

Reddit comment advising against feeling guilty for avoiding family abuse and chaos, using strong language.

Reddit comment discussing a response strategy to guilt-tripping involving a daughter and mother relationship.

Reddit comment advising against taking in a toxic family member due to past emotional trauma.

Comment discussing a daughter's strained relationship with her mother, mentioning "ruining your life.

Reddit comment advising daughter not to feel guilty about not helping her mom after years of emotional abuse.

Text response discusses evicting toxicity, emphasizing self-responsibility and personal space; related to family conflict dynamics.

Comment on handling guilt trips about not helping toxic family.

Others shared similar experiences

A Reddit comment thread discussing a mother's harsh words to her daughter and the impact on family relationships.

Text message discussing toxic parent and advice on setting boundaries.

However, some believe she “should have let bygones be bygones”

Comment discussing mother-daughter relationship, suggesting forgiveness despite flaws.

Text message giving advice on setting boundaries with a parent after being told she's a waste of space.

Online comment discussing responsible actions for a vulnerable mom.

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