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8-Year-Old’s Sleepover At Mom’s BF’s House Sparks Huge Debate Online: “So Many Red Flags Here”
With almost half of all marriages ending in divorce, co-parenting is more common than ever. Since 1985, the percentage of shared physical custody in the U.S. has increased from 13% to 34%. Honoring your ex’s parenting decisions can be hard, especially with a new partner in the mix.
One dad tried to convey to his ex that he found their 8-year-old daughter sleeping alone in the mom’s boyfriend’s house inappropriate. As she didn’t see the big deal, it raised even more red flags for the father. Concerned, he decided to share his story online, and sparked quite a heated debate among netizens.
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A dad was upset his 8-year-old daughter spend the night at her mom’s BF’s home alone
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
He expected at least a family member or another woman to be present, so the situation freaked him out
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
He shared his concerns with the ex, but she shut him down, refusing to see a problem
Image credits: blackD0nny
Children are the most vulnerable when they’re with stepparents and unmarried parents’ partners
Image credits: Jordan González / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The commenters were divided into two camps: some believed assuming that leaving kids with men is automatically unsafe was pretty misandrist and sexist. Others, most of whose comments garnered the most upvotes, sided with the father. Children shouldn’t be left alone with adults who are not their family members, they claimed.
Those who supported their opinion with statistics are mostly right. Yes, children get exploited by the people closest to them, research shows. One study found that the presence of stepfathers and non-biological father figures show an elevated risk of child maltreatment.
Sociologists call this the “Cinderella effect.” In 2022, researchers found evidence that supports this theory. In their study, they conclude that unmarried partners (not parents or stepparents) are the most likely to seriously injure a child.
Research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies also shows how prevalent child exploitation is in general. In worst case scenarios, one in three girls become victims. At best, on in 20 boys get exploited by a person close to them. In the U.S., 90% of the perpetrators are men, 3% are women, and 6% are of “unknown gender.”
Not allowing your child near men after reading these statistics may seem like hysteria and misandry. As Leah McLaren writes for Today’s Parent, rules prohibiting children unsupervised contact with adult men may seem unfair to the vast majority of men. “But my parental duty to protect my kids trumps my duty as a feminist to treat men and women equally in every scenario,” she says, defending her opinion.
Australian author and columnist Kacey Edwards agrees, as she and her husband have a no-men-babysitters rule. “I know it’s a hard line, some would say extreme,” she’s aware of the criticism.
“But I also know that [exploitation] can rob a child of their self-worth and dignity in an instant – and it can take decades for those wounds to heal, if at all. In this context, potentially hurting peoples’ feelings is the price my husband and I are prepared to pay.”
Co-parenting requires level-headedness and open communication between the parents
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Effective co-parenting can be hard, even in cases where the parents have remained friendly. The dad in this story specified that he and the mom have a parenting agreement through the court system. Still, miscommunication like this situation might arise.
Here are some tips from experts that might make co-parenting easier:
- Flexibility. Even when something doesn’t go according to plan, having the patience and grace not enter into a conflict is a valuable skill. Dee Holmes, Senior Practice Consultant at Relate, tells The BBC that parents should center the child. “If you have to compromise or change a plan, think about what is best for your child.”
- Adopt a business-like relationship. To avoid conflicts, treat co-parenting like a business relationship. This is a really good way to set boundaries. “Good co-parenting boundaries include keeping communication on a need-to-know basis and nothing more,” divorce and co-parenting specialist Michelle Dempsey-Multack writes.
- Organize task, activities, and events. Some parents have a shared Google calendar, others prefer to inform each other on a need-to-know basis. But letting the other parent know the child’s schedule is paramount.
- Give your ex’s new partner some grace. When a new partner and a potential stepparent enters the picture, it can be hard to maintain a civil relationship with them. Yet, it’s very important to accept that your lives are changing. “You’ve got to swallow your feelings a bit and let them start to get involved in the other family’s life,” Dee emphasizes.
- Don’t say bad things about their parent to the child. Talking behind the parent’s back and trying to turn them against their mom or dad is one of the worst things a co-parent can do. Bringing kids into adult drama only brings them helplessness and insecurity, which can be confusing and upsetting.
The dad remained very level-headed about the whole thing, emphasizing he just wants his daughter to be safe
Most people agreed with the father: a little girl shouldn’t sleep at a man’s house without an adult family member present
But others thought he was being paranoid in thinking every man was a predator
Later, he posted an update about how he and his girls were doing
Image credits: Valeriia Miller / unsplash (not the actual photo)
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What do you think ?
Cee Cee 5 months ago
I think the OP is right. Daughter should not be left alone with non-family members.
🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 5 months ago (edited)
Absolutely. My mother's boyfriend was a lecturer, did a stint as barrister for the CPS(Crown Prosecution Service). Pillar of the community, right? He waited until I was 16 to make an indecent approach when she left me alone with him. I'm autistic, and weird enough to throw him off. My mother didn't do anything about it. He went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and assaults years later.
Load More Replies...
Sylvia Baker 5 months ago
Eight years old....grade 3..... sleepover with two young males and a man her mom has known about a year. Nope.
Kathy Brooke 5 months ago
Setting aside all the big scary Risks, people are missing the mundane. This is an eight year old. As the only female in a house of males she isn't close to, who does she tell if she has an accident in her pants? If something icky has happened? She needs an ally. And the people saying "NoThInG HaPpEnEd!" ... that we know of. Huge amounts of abuse comes time light years later.
roddy 5 months ago
To dad these people are strangers or virtual strangers. He hasn't had the opportunity to assess them. It's quite reasonable that he would be uncomfortable with this arrangement. Chances are they are fine, but it's still taking a chance and the child should not be put in a potentially dangerous situation, even if the chances are low.
Firefly 5 months ago
That's why he should take the mom up on the offer to meet him. They have been dating a year. This isn't a casual thing. What if they get married? Would he expect the daughter to never be alone with the stepdad? A ring won't change who the guy is, so it's better to get to know him now, and educate the daughters on how to handle anything that makes them uncomfortable. They should have done that already.
Load More Replies...
Yu Pan 5 months ago
I agree Mom's sudden requests to Op about notifying her prior to stopping by sounds like a deflection. I find her cheery "Thanks!" at the end of their conversation jarring, though I can't really say why. It feels psychotic to me.
Annabelle 5 months ago
I thought so, too, about the Thanks! It was a blow off and shutting down the conversation, but the tone is just... ick.
Load More Replies...
Anna Drever 5 months ago
‘If’ the boyfriend is a decent sort then he should be worried about how it looks for him. No sleepovers without both parents approval.
Beth Wheeler 5 months ago
What the hell was she thinking letting your 8 yo daughter stay at her boyfriend's house with his 2 boys? This guy is absolutely NOT overreacting and his ex needs a reality check and a serious talking to by somebody about custody.
Parmeisan 5 months ago
I *do* agree that it's the same as the girl staying the night with an uncle: uncles have committed and do commit s*xual assauIt. There is inherent risk with even a family member being the sole caregiver for any young child (girl or boy). I'm not a parent but I doubt it would be easy to live a life avoiding every single sleepover or babysitter and that level of paranoia would not be great for the child, either, so I guess the answer is just to be sure that both parents are comfortable with the potential caregiver and have assessed the risk as minimal / necessary.
KatSaidWhat 5 months ago
Agreed, not all men are predators but you only find out too late which ones are so don't put your kids in that situation. Mother deserves to lose custody if she can't see what is wrong with this whole picture. Her BF even more wrong for allowing it.
K. LNU 5 months ago (edited)
If the ex's new boyfriend is spending a lot of time around the kids, it might be worth sitting down with him in a neutral setting and getting to know each other. I think it’s important to understand the people who are involved in your children’s lives—especially if there’s a chance he could eventually become their stepdad.
Skywitness 5 months ago
As a parent, you have to be right about every decision when it comes to the safety of your children. Mom was being naive at best, negligent at worse. Trusting another person with your child is a huge responsibility. One mistake could really damage a child forever.
Robert Benson 5 months ago
My concern wouldn't be the one individual night, necessarily. It's more about what happens over time. If the same thing happens over an extended period of time, what happens if the boyfriend drinks too much, or has someone else over, or the kids involved get older? As an overprotective father, myself, I would definitely need to meet the boyfriend, and I would almost certainly make him aware that I am not afraid of going to prison if ANY harm comes to my child. (I admit that some toxic masculinity has become entrenched within me, but it mostly limits itself to any perceived threats to my family)
Ashtophet 5 months ago
If “I am not afraid of going to prison if ANY harm comes to my child.” is masculine, then I am one masculine lady!
Load More Replies... Ali 4 months ago
OP is 100% right. Too many children (male or female) are molested or worse by males brought into the fold. That boyfriend shouldn't be supervising the girls alone until Dad meets him and is comfortable with him taking care of his daughters. Speaking as a survivor of childhood SA, the fewer males alone with children, the safer they are.
Clare Moore 5 months ago
You are definitely not overreacting. My 12 year old daughter and I experienced very similar but ended way worse. So I was at the time a full time working single mum. My best friend who was more like a sister helped out as my daughter was going through a tough time and was self harming. She was being bullied. So when I worked my friend watched her. Unbeknownst to me, she often left her with her husband. No big deal, we've known each other for many many years, I felt safe, knowing she had a father figure for those times. My ex was a piece of work who barely played any part in my kids life. I digress. At some point between 2005 and 2016 my best friend told me her husband and her where having troubles, she had found disturbing stuff on their shared computer. I did not get told this till after covid. 2 years ago my daughter told me he r×××d her multiple times. My 25 year old daughter is now traumatised. Don't ignore the early signs
Robyn Hill 5 months ago
Red flags all over the place. First, the ex is . . . incredibly special, let's say. He doesn't get any say in where his daughters are or who they're with, but SHE gets to dictate when and where and how he stops by to give his daughter a hug? Second, there is no way I'd ever leave my 8-year old daughter with three men alone in a house. We all know sexual predators groom their victims. This particular situation frankly makes me wonder if that's what's happening.
Ren Karlej 5 months ago
A year is a very, very short amount of time to get to know someone in any deep sense. OP's ex isn't living with her boyfriend so doesn't see him day in, day out. A lot can be hdiden. OP's not overreacting, he's being cautious in a world that requires it, he wants to safeguard two young children. The mother is basically saying 'I trust him, therefore he's trustworthy' and that is not necessarily the case. Harm to children happens far too often and we should be thinking 'better safe than sorry'. This isn't complicated, OP's ex is just digging her heels in because she doesn't want to even renotely consider her choice to trust this man could be wrong. She's being naive. People can be very good at hiding who they are, and most people can't spot it in time.
Load More Replies...
Cee Cee 5 months ago
I think the OP is right. Daughter should not be left alone with non-family members.
🇺🇦 🇵🇸 TribbleThinking 5 months ago (edited)
Absolutely. My mother's boyfriend was a lecturer, did a stint as barrister for the CPS(Crown Prosecution Service). Pillar of the community, right? He waited until I was 16 to make an indecent approach when she left me alone with him. I'm autistic, and weird enough to throw him off. My mother didn't do anything about it. He went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and assaults years later.
Load More Replies... Sylvia Baker 5 months ago
Eight years old....grade 3..... sleepover with two young males and a man her mom has known about a year. Nope.
Kathy Brooke 5 months ago
Setting aside all the big scary Risks, people are missing the mundane. This is an eight year old. As the only female in a house of males she isn't close to, who does she tell if she has an accident in her pants? If something icky has happened? She needs an ally. And the people saying "NoThInG HaPpEnEd!" ... that we know of. Huge amounts of abuse comes time light years later.
roddy 5 months ago
To dad these people are strangers or virtual strangers. He hasn't had the opportunity to assess them. It's quite reasonable that he would be uncomfortable with this arrangement. Chances are they are fine, but it's still taking a chance and the child should not be put in a potentially dangerous situation, even if the chances are low.
Firefly 5 months ago
That's why he should take the mom up on the offer to meet him. They have been dating a year. This isn't a casual thing. What if they get married? Would he expect the daughter to never be alone with the stepdad? A ring won't change who the guy is, so it's better to get to know him now, and educate the daughters on how to handle anything that makes them uncomfortable. They should have done that already.
Load More Replies... Yu Pan 5 months ago
I agree Mom's sudden requests to Op about notifying her prior to stopping by sounds like a deflection. I find her cheery "Thanks!" at the end of their conversation jarring, though I can't really say why. It feels psychotic to me.
Annabelle 5 months ago
I thought so, too, about the Thanks! It was a blow off and shutting down the conversation, but the tone is just... ick.
Load More Replies... Anna Drever 5 months ago
‘If’ the boyfriend is a decent sort then he should be worried about how it looks for him. No sleepovers without both parents approval.
Beth Wheeler 5 months ago
What the hell was she thinking letting your 8 yo daughter stay at her boyfriend's house with his 2 boys? This guy is absolutely NOT overreacting and his ex needs a reality check and a serious talking to by somebody about custody.
Parmeisan 5 months ago
I *do* agree that it's the same as the girl staying the night with an uncle: uncles have committed and do commit s*xual assauIt. There is inherent risk with even a family member being the sole caregiver for any young child (girl or boy). I'm not a parent but I doubt it would be easy to live a life avoiding every single sleepover or babysitter and that level of paranoia would not be great for the child, either, so I guess the answer is just to be sure that both parents are comfortable with the potential caregiver and have assessed the risk as minimal / necessary.
KatSaidWhat 5 months ago
Agreed, not all men are predators but you only find out too late which ones are so don't put your kids in that situation. Mother deserves to lose custody if she can't see what is wrong with this whole picture. Her BF even more wrong for allowing it.
K. LNU 5 months ago (edited)
If the ex's new boyfriend is spending a lot of time around the kids, it might be worth sitting down with him in a neutral setting and getting to know each other. I think it’s important to understand the people who are involved in your children’s lives—especially if there’s a chance he could eventually become their stepdad.
Skywitness 5 months ago
As a parent, you have to be right about every decision when it comes to the safety of your children. Mom was being naive at best, negligent at worse. Trusting another person with your child is a huge responsibility. One mistake could really damage a child forever.
Robert Benson 5 months ago
My concern wouldn't be the one individual night, necessarily. It's more about what happens over time. If the same thing happens over an extended period of time, what happens if the boyfriend drinks too much, or has someone else over, or the kids involved get older? As an overprotective father, myself, I would definitely need to meet the boyfriend, and I would almost certainly make him aware that I am not afraid of going to prison if ANY harm comes to my child. (I admit that some toxic masculinity has become entrenched within me, but it mostly limits itself to any perceived threats to my family)
Ashtophet 5 months ago
If “I am not afraid of going to prison if ANY harm comes to my child.” is masculine, then I am one masculine lady!
Load More Replies... Ali 4 months ago
OP is 100% right. Too many children (male or female) are molested or worse by males brought into the fold. That boyfriend shouldn't be supervising the girls alone until Dad meets him and is comfortable with him taking care of his daughters. Speaking as a survivor of childhood SA, the fewer males alone with children, the safer they are.
Clare Moore 5 months ago
You are definitely not overreacting. My 12 year old daughter and I experienced very similar but ended way worse. So I was at the time a full time working single mum. My best friend who was more like a sister helped out as my daughter was going through a tough time and was self harming. She was being bullied. So when I worked my friend watched her. Unbeknownst to me, she often left her with her husband. No big deal, we've known each other for many many years, I felt safe, knowing she had a father figure for those times. My ex was a piece of work who barely played any part in my kids life. I digress. At some point between 2005 and 2016 my best friend told me her husband and her where having troubles, she had found disturbing stuff on their shared computer. I did not get told this till after covid. 2 years ago my daughter told me he r×××d her multiple times. My 25 year old daughter is now traumatised. Don't ignore the early signs
Robyn Hill 5 months ago
Red flags all over the place. First, the ex is . . . incredibly special, let's say. He doesn't get any say in where his daughters are or who they're with, but SHE gets to dictate when and where and how he stops by to give his daughter a hug? Second, there is no way I'd ever leave my 8-year old daughter with three men alone in a house. We all know sexual predators groom their victims. This particular situation frankly makes me wonder if that's what's happening.
Ren Karlej 5 months ago
A year is a very, very short amount of time to get to know someone in any deep sense. OP's ex isn't living with her boyfriend so doesn't see him day in, day out. A lot can be hdiden. OP's not overreacting, he's being cautious in a world that requires it, he wants to safeguard two young children. The mother is basically saying 'I trust him, therefore he's trustworthy' and that is not necessarily the case. Harm to children happens far too often and we should be thinking 'better safe than sorry'. This isn't complicated, OP's ex is just digging her heels in because she doesn't want to even renotely consider her choice to trust this man could be wrong. She's being naive. People can be very good at hiding who they are, and most people can't spot it in time.
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