Husband Is Conflicted Over Who Is Right After Wife Tells Him That There Is No Way He’ll Be In The Room When Their Child Is Born
Even though child bearing is the burden of a woman, most dads are also excited about the baby on the way and they want to be there for them every step of the way even before they are born. But some women are more comfortable dealing with certain parts without them, such as giving birth.
This dad on Reddit was pretty sad his wife didn’t want him in the delivery room and although he agreed, he couldn’t hide the disappointment, which annoyed his wife and made him think his feelings were wrong.
More info: Reddit
Moms don’t always want dads to be with them in the delivery room and it could make dads sad, but this one wasn’t allowed to be
Image credits: Pretty Poo Eater (not the actual photo)
The pregnant wife actually was pretty mad that it mattered so much to her husband and told him to be a man and get over it
Image credits: esporter113 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Dear_Fox_5010
The man was trying to come to terms with not seeing his son being born and just wants to cry, but is afraid to show any emotion in front of his wife
The Original Poster (OP) and his wife are expecting a son and the delivery date is due in a month. The couple is very excited because they have always wanted kids and the man’s dad would always speak about having his own kids with so much joy.
Although the pregnancy was not easy for the woman and worrisome for the man, the OP is very happy about it because in the past his wife has experienced a few miscarriages, which must have been devastating.
Being so excited about it, the dad wanted to be in the room during labor, but his wife was very adamant that she doesn’t want him and her mom will keep her company instead. No matter how hard the OP tried to allow him to stay too, he failed to convince her. He tried, but it didn’t work out, so he accepted it and just hoped that everything would go smoothly.
That doesn’t mean he is not still sad about it. And even if he doesn’t try to annoy his wife on purpose, he can’t help how his heart feels, which makes the woman mad. She actually said that he is acting weak and that she doesn’t want her son to have such an example of a man, as well as telling him to just get over it and be a man.
This part of the story made people in the comments quite mad, because while they agreed that it’s the woman’s choice who can stay with her in the delivery room, she can’t be so condescending and cruel to her husband.
They called out the woman for perpetuating toxic masculinity and not allowing her husband to cry when he feels sad because he won’t see the first moments of his child’s life. They were also worried about what environment the boy will grow up in.
Image credits: Rya Pie (not the actual photo)
It seems that the man respects her wife’s wish to be in the delivery room without him and his problem is her condescending behavior, but maybe there are people who feel like it is unfair to exclude the dad from the birth process to begin with as the child is his as well.
However, it is solely the woman’s choice who will be her companion and support person during labor. The support person is so important that the World Health Organisation allowed pregnant people to have one even during the COVID-19 pandemic. What is more, even if the person giving birth had confirmed COVID-19, they still recommended allowing support companions in the delivery room.
That is because research shows how beneficial the support person is and knowing how painful, stressful and emotional giving birth is, you want to make sure that the person in labor is as comfortable as possible for their own and the baby’s sake.
The benefits WHO lists are both practical and emotional, “They can bridge communication gaps between a woman in labor and the healthcare workers around her, offer massage or hand-holding to help relieve pain, and provide reassurance to help her feel in control. As an advocate, a labor companion can witness and safeguard against mistreatment or neglect.”
Not only that, but research shows that having a companion may shorten the time of being in labor, they are less likely to have a C-section or use any medication and babies show more positive indications when checked 5 minutes after birth.
So the pregnant person should take time to consider who is the person who will cause them the least stress and will allow them to focus on giving birth and not think of anything else. There are probably valid reasons why OP’s wife wants her mom to be in the room, but her reaction to her husband’s hurt feelings were quite harsh.
Do you think the OP was being insensitive towards his wife and that provoked her cruel words? Do you think her reaction can be explained by giving into the effect of hormones? Or was she just unnecessarily mean? Let us know what your impression is in the comments.
People in the comments agreed that the mom has the final say who comes into the delivery room but her reaction to her husband’s sadness was uncalled for
I'd be interested too. If she did indeed say what he claims she said, then I'd tell him that he is in for a really awful parenting experience. She will not respect him as a father to her children, and he will always be viewed as an interloper. HOWEVER, something about his tone makes me think there's something else going on here. He is really playing up the extreme positions here, and I wonder if some of this isn't BS. I can't really put my finger on it, tbh. But something is off for me. On a side note, as to the question of whether she has a right to deny him access to the delivery room, I just leave people with this small consideration. She will be in extreme pain, her life and the life of her child are at risk, and she will be naked. These are all things that lead people to feeling extremely vulnerable. I would hope that in this situation, your partner is the one you look to for support, but perhaps there are circumstances OP is not filling us in on. Ultimately, she should choose
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OPs spouse should not be belittling him. That said, it is her choice who she wants in the room with her.
Why do people always say that it’s the woman’s choice because she is the one giving birth ? The baby is 50% his. If they weren’t a couple I might perhaps think differently but telling her husband that he can’t see his own child being born but her mother can just seems mean. Is her mother going to be there when their child is crying in the middle of the night for a feed or nappy change? Is she going to pay for food, clothing, heating? No. He will be expected to do half of the child rearing, not her mother.
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If OP's wife really made that comment, I'm concerned about her passing on to her son the idea of toxic masculinity as a life goal. Something else is going on here, though. I feel like she has a specific reason why she doesn't want him in the room. They need to learn to communicate better if they're going to raise children.
What are the chances that this is his perspective and hers may be completely different - how often has he been 'begging (demanding?)" - and perhaps her 'man up' was simply a 'accept it"?
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This is an interesting one because when I first read it I was so 100% NTA and thought the wife was a b!tch, but then the more I thought about it the more it started to feel like we weren't getting the whole story. "Begged and pleaded" sounds a lot like "refused to respect a decision that I both logically and compassionately knew was hers to make", and if he really is moping around the house trying to guilt trip her.... That isn't great, either. Also, why is he leaving out her reason for not wanting him there? Such a major thing to ignore. (And if he's asked and she refuses to tell him, why isn't he mentioning that too?) I don't think there's any context that would justify talking to him like that, but I'm starting to wonder if he's been pushing and pushing on this without listening to her side of things and she finally just snapped. Withholding judgement on this one because I just feel like there's not enough info....
A relative of mine was not allowed to be in the room when his wife gave birth to their three children, three separate births. But the wife did have a very good reason. My relative faints at the sight and sometimes smell of blood. And she kinda wanted the hospital staff to pay attention to her and the baby's needs which I think is totally fair.
Sure, if discussed in a fair and open matter. I'm sure the man knows his limits :) It doesn't sound like this man expects to faint though.
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Well, it's her decision to make, so she has every right to refuse to let him there. He is, of course, has every right to be sad about it. She definitely shouldn't be mean to him, but if he keeps pushing instead of accepting her decision, he's not in the right too. This is a situation which is difficult to judge when you know just one point of view.
I still don't understand the obsession with watching the child emerge from the canal among all the p**s and s**t and pain. Maybe focus on the baby itself?
How is he to focus on the baby if he's not even in the room? He's not saying he wants a front row seat with his nose at her crotch, he wants to be in the room. Getting to be the first person to hold my baby is a memory I hope I never lose. It was magic. If I wasn't in the room, I would not have got to experience that.
Load More Replies... This is a hard one. I totally understand why some women would not want their partner to see them give birth. Even though it’s the most incredible thing we can do it’s also the least attractive thing we can do. A full human coming from your partner’s favourite body part is a lot to think about. Having said that, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone but my partner in the room with me when I gave birth. I needed him to be there so that I could squeeze his hand so tightly that he cried and so that I could use my extensive vocabulary of 4 letter words to explain to him that my pain was his fault. You can’t say that stuff to your mother.
"it’s also the least attractive thing we can do" --- having witnessed two births, I couldn't disagree with this more.
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Could be the sweetest guy ever but this reads like a narcissist who routinely uses the wounded puppy act to get what they want.
How? I do t get that at all. She’s being totally selfish and entitled, and denying him the chance to see his child being born! SHE’S the AH here!
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Sounds like an unreliable narrative written by someone who routinely uses percieved vulnerability to get their way.
Pregnancy makes hormones go nuts so her lashing out (though very rude) is probably caused by that. It is her choice bc it is her body regardless that he's the father. She might not be comfortable with a man seeing the process. She might think it'll change their marriage because that indeed has happened. Though she was mean about it, he needs to come to terms that is IS her choice and the hospital staff would very likely support her decision. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is. She made her choice and it's cruel of him to beg. Accept it and move on.
I can understand her not wanting the husband to see the baby actually come out of her body (being self conscious, worried about pooping, worried the husband will be grossed out and not find her sexually attractive anymore, etc), but not allowing him to even be in the room is a bit strange.
Both are the AH. She just wants her mom and that is her choice since she is giving birth to a little human. She should have only said no to this request and he should not have begged. Now she should not have said that to her husband but I wonder how often he asked and if she really said that.
If it happened the way he says it does, then I feel very bad for him. Being kind and respectful despite the wife's misogyny and clear disrespect. I think that any man should be there to see his child being born, however it is the wife's decision as she is the one giving birth and the one who had to carry for 9 months. On the other hand, this is a little suspicious and he sounds like a guy trying to get his way. Unreliable narrative and the word choices definitely make it a lot more suspicious.
It's a crazy time. When his wife spoke to him about being a man, I wonder if she usually talks like that. Hormones can be a crazy thing. I have known the nicest women to become really quite nasty by the end of the pregnancy, because of hormones, discomfort, and nerves. My daughter arrived last month. I wasn't allowed in the room, but that was hospital policy (COVID rules). I had the whole pregnancy to prepare for it, so by the time it came, I was good with it. I also couldn't see the baby or my wife for 5 days because of quarantine. However, looking back now, it doesn't matter. My daughter and wife are both home with me, and what I care about is being present *now*, when my daughter needs me. Ultimately, in this situation, it is the OP's wife's choice because she is going through it all. Best to do what she wants, especially given the trauma she's been through in the past. Hopefully she'll look back one day on the nastier things she's saying to her husband now with regret.
Woah. If I had told my husband that he couldn't be in the delivery room, he would never have accepted it. He would have "manned up" and told me that he would absolutely be there, and he was an active and supportive partner in both of our births. That said, we knew how we both felt about having kids, and being parents long before we had them. I can't imagine being married to someone who didn't share those ideas. I have so much empathy and respect for this guy, I hope they find common ground before it's too late.
Ngl your husband sounds like a nightmare. "Manning up" and violating your bodily autonomy isn't as cute as you apparently think it is, but at least y'all found each other I guess.
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I (F if it matters) agree with everyone here in the comments but there's one thing that caught my eye that wasn't brought up. "I feel like crying, but I don't want her to know, and get mad at me again, so I told her I was going out to get groceries, and am writing this in the car to try to calm myself down." I'm a pretty emotional person and it gets me in a lot of trouble from being told my crying as annoying to getting screamed at for "begging and guilt tripping." The fact that he's afraid of her being angry at him to the point he's lying to get away shows that there's more happening than him just trying to manipulate her. I had an ex that would verbally abuse me until I was crying and then collapse into self doubt because she didn't mean to hurt me and then take out that anger on me and it was a hopeless cycle. This isn't the same situation, but I understand that fear of trying to hide your reactions from the person berating you so they don't hurt you more.
He says that she got angry at him for having a sad face (that he probably has because he's, you know, sad?) and brings it up herself to open the conversation again so she can scold him more. I may be biased and the wife has final say over who goes in the room, but it's very understandable how stressed oop is over the situation and there is definitely something going on in the background with their relationship if she's so fast to say those things to him, especially being sexist.
Load More Replies... This woman is being SOOOO mean! The way she’s speaking to him is NOT OK! I understand wanting to pick who will be in the delivery room with you, but it’s ALSO HIS CHILD! She’s gestating his DNA! They’ve been together for SEVEN YEARS, and I’m sure he’s seen it all. UGH! I FEEL SOOO bad for this dad, and ultimately for this child, that will be raised by this woman who believes that men’s emotions don’t count. 😔
Giving birth is incredibly scary and I get her not wanting her husband to see her in that state ... laboring is not pretty, and at time like that her mum is often all a woman wants ... after all her mother did it and knows what's happening. Op said right at the start of the post he was sulking so her getting cheesed off doesn't surprise me... stress does weird things to a person. Yip she shouldn't have said it in the way she did but from the sounds of it I can kind of get where she may be coming from. Saying that men are and should be able to express their feelings but honestly at that time she needs to feel safe and that's got to come first. She'll probably call for him during the labour anyway, as I said it's an extremely stressful time for them both and they are both likely to upset each other
Sounds like someone wants time to think of a story if the baby doesn't look like dad 🤔
Wife is acting like OP is an ex she hates. And you'd really have to hate someone to deprive them of this once in a lifetime moment. Maybe OP could get her mom involved and compromise - he stays out of the room and doesn't get on her nerves for most of it, and she lets him in at zero hour to welcome his child. Maybe also he stays at the head of the bed and doesn't look at her drastically abused parts (if that's what is bothering her).
I didn’t want my husband to see me in labor for vanity reasons. He just said, “I was there when she went in. I’ll be there when she comes out.” Our daughter was born in distress. She came around and was fine but for those few minutes when it was touch and go I can’t imagine what it would have been like if he wasn’t by my side.
I want to hear the spouses side of the story, not because I'm on her side, but I need to understand her way of thinking. I understand that this can be stressful but being pregnant is no excuse to be saying something so hurtful. I could give her a pass for possibly her beliefs that she needs a strong support system and doesn't believe you are one. I'm not on her side, not for such a hurtful comment and I'm worried about her passing on that to your son in a time when we need men who aren't dangerous, but maybe start using terms that describe you guys as a unit, a team. "MY experience" sounds isolated, she probably may have started to believe you aren't there for her, just the kid. Again, trying to play devils advocate here, but for all I know, her reasoning may be worse and she's hiding something. I need updates.
From his part of the story I say NTA. I understand she can choose who's in the delivery room with her.She shouldn't belittle him and tell him to "Be a man" for crying because she won't let him in.He just wants to make sure everything goes right because of how the pregnancy was for her
It's just as much his child as hers. He has the same right to decide who will be there. Says a lot about their relationship. I'm shocked her mother is okay being there over the hubby...but the MIL is most likely where the wife gets her attitude and actions. Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to treat your spouse like s**t.
Lol, he would have the same right if pregnancy and birth would actually immediately affect his body.
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If I were OP I would definitely be asking the WHY question. I would lay odds that the Mother has maybe put the idea of him not being there in his wife's head. I'd also be asking the wife to have an honest discussion about her reaction, and maybe see if she would talk to someone. Mood Swings and Anger are definitely something that a lot of pregnant women feel and have to deal with but sometimes it can be pretty extreme and talking to a doctor about it may help. She may also be having anxiety over the baby being born due to the previous miscarriages - I would imagine that she's thinking if anything is going to go wrong now it will be at the birth, so maybe that is feeding into her anxiety and choice of him not being in the room.
There's a slight possibility she is in depression, from the hormones to the past trauma, and she's afraid he will bond right away and she isn't feeling right. Jer past miscarriages and lack of bonding with her partner put her at high risk for postpartum depression. None of that excuses her abusive behavior, there are plenty of warning signs without this possibility.
She probably has real insecurities about him observing her privates as they go through the process. Pooping and all, it's not pretty. But an adult couple should be able to get past that and experience the event. He could stay at the head of the bed I she's so worried. But her nasty comments about his masculinity were unconscionable. Shame on her.
? Is he really sure it's his? Just saying.. she doesn't sound like she even likes her husband. He is TOTALLY NTA. it is just weird how she refuses to have him in the rm why not? Has she actually given him a real reason it didn't say?
Let's break this down. #1 - yes, it's her right to have whomever she chooses and deny whomever she wants to. #2 - She was being a misandrist b*tch by telling him to "man up" and making cracks about him and their son. #3 - If those are her ideas of what masculinity should be ("Real men don't get emotional or cry or have strong feelings about life milestones") they are *extremely* toxic, and he's going to have a hell of a time raising his son to be a balanced and compassionate man if she brutalizes the kid every time he shows strong emotion - like she brutalized her husband. #4 - If she's insecure about being seen by her husband giving birth, there were better ways to express that than attacking his manhood. Concl.: regardless of her rights to be comfortable giving birth, this woman is a toxic, cruel, misandrist who is abusive to her husband. No amount of "she's pregnant and all that comes with that should be respected" excuses her behavior. Not even if he didn't handle it right either.
The day my son was born, I also was not allowed in the room while my wife was giving birth. It was the best decision she ever made, because I would have annoyed her to no end. I get anxious around needles, blood, and other similar medical things - and - I talk (a lot) when I get anxious. I didn't want to be in the delivery room, but I felt that it was something a father *should* do. Looking back I have nothing but great memories of that day and I can't thank her enough for making a decision that I couldn't make.
If he's walking around with a sad puppy dog face, then she's right about him needing to man up. I can see why she's losing patience with him. This couple has problems, and this poor kid is being born into this situation.
NTA it's your child as well you have every RIGHT to be in that room. Why is she so adamant that you not be in the room? She sounds like someone with something to hide. Calling you a broken puppy and that it's pissing her off? When you have every right to be there for the birth of your child.
They should have discussed this before starting to make a baby. I kinda get you not wanting your husband see your downstairs explode. But you can tell him to stand at your head so it's not so visible. It's an extremely emotional moment. It's sad she is so unsure she wants to deny him the experience. Wonder if she will make him sleep in another room until she is out of diapers after the birth too....
I went to comment on the Reddit thread, but it's been taken down. If this is unusual behavior for his wife, which it sounds like it is since he seemed to be so taken aback by it, she needs to get evaluated for postpartum mood disorders. Symptoms often start showing up during 3rd trimester. And with her history of miscarriages, she's likely at increased risk.
I find it so sad that the wife is trying to block him out of his child’s birth. It’s as much his baby as it is hers. If you’ve decided to spend a life together why wouldn’t you want to share this moment together? If she’s worried about him seeing the baby coming out of her or whatnot, could they not meet halfway and he could stay up by her head? Or is there more to the story here? I suspect there might be.
Ok/ I may take some slack for this- but WHY shouldn't the father - who's is married to her- be allowed inside? There's gotta be a compromise somehow. Live recording- he can see from another room in real time? Idk. But I've given birth twice. One each way- and although with the c-section I would've wanted my mother- I could not refuse the father to be there. I would never take that experience away from a parent who wants to be involved as such. I could understand if they weren't together- perhaps. But idk- I feel like some other option for him should be given. Makes me sad- my children's dads said it was the best day of their lives! Who was I to deprive them of that?
I'm curious why she's so strongly against him being there. If I were married and pregnant, I wouldn't want to give birth *without* my husband there. I'm not normally one to automatically get suspicious of cheating or whatever, but you have to wonder if she has something to hide?
Maybe she's worried he won't find her sexy after seeing a baby come out her, most women accidentally poop too
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That wife is a s**t and I feel sorry for the boy she will raise. Men also have feelings and should be able to express them.
Something about this story is rather sus. It's as if OP's wife was going out of her way to make her husband not want to be in the delivery room. I wonder if paternity is playing a role here......🤔
is it possible that she still carries unprocessed feelings from her previous miscarriages? or even reactions to her feelings of grief at that time? it seems to me to be a transference. it would not be you personally who would be meant, but old unprocessed experiences would be shifted onto you. that is doubly sad, because it deprives you of valuable and unique experiences. Can it be worked through before the birth? I am sorry that there is so much grief involved in this joyful experience and that you have to bear this alone, when it may even be her own unprocessed grief. Since she is already stressed and full of anxiety, I don't know if you can address it at this moment? maybe at least this thought will help you a little bit, that is possibly projected onto you here. i still wish all the best from the bottom of my heart. i find your behavior great, empathetic, considerate and loving.
it's that last line that did it for me. OP has referred to the pregnancy being pretty difficult for "US" - but he wasn't pregnant, his wife was. He's told a story about his deceased father - that's the whole reason he wants to be in the delivery room. So he's making it about him following in his father's footsteps. He says he and his 8 mos pregnant wife talked about what happens when she goes into labor, and that's when she told him she won't have him in the delivery room, likely due to what OP said. OP is now "sulking" (his term), "convincing, pleading, begging" (again his terms) and "really sad." Yet you find his refusal to accept his wife's decision and his constant emphasis on his own feelings "great, empathetic, considerate and loving." That's where I disagree. OP is a drama queen and comes off very narcissistic and manipulative to me. His flowery language is a red flag.
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Red flags written all over this! Controlling behaviour and down right misogynistic. Your not allowed in but I bet she'll be the first to stop you going out once the child is born. Also if you feel you can't show your feelings to your wife because she'll get mad then in my honest opinion she doesn't deserve you.......it's a tricky situation but how she is is the reflection of what she'll be in the future. Being in the delivery room, seeing my daughter being born was thee most scariest, nervous and happiest time of my life, being able to cut the cord and hold her is something I can't put into words. Bro, get couples counseling!
Any woman who does not want the father there (if they are still in a relationship) is an AH. The father has a right to be in the room (again, if they are still in a relationship) which outranks anyone else's right. The birth process is about family, not just about the mother.
Uh? So the fathers emotions overrule the physical and emotional stress of labor? I think that she should get to choose who's with her in the room at that time.
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The thought occurred to me that maybe she doesn't want him there because the kid may come out looking very obviously not his.
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What reason do you have for that? That seems like you just plucked that out of the air.
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Wow. You just basically just said that fathers have absolutely no right to have emotions in case it upsets their wife, and that her feelings are far more important than his. You need to dig yourself out of that cave. It’s not 1950 anymore.
Load More Replies... I'd be interested too. If she did indeed say what he claims she said, then I'd tell him that he is in for a really awful parenting experience. She will not respect him as a father to her children, and he will always be viewed as an interloper. HOWEVER, something about his tone makes me think there's something else going on here. He is really playing up the extreme positions here, and I wonder if some of this isn't BS. I can't really put my finger on it, tbh. But something is off for me. On a side note, as to the question of whether she has a right to deny him access to the delivery room, I just leave people with this small consideration. She will be in extreme pain, her life and the life of her child are at risk, and she will be naked. These are all things that lead people to feeling extremely vulnerable. I would hope that in this situation, your partner is the one you look to for support, but perhaps there are circumstances OP is not filling us in on. Ultimately, she should choose
Load More Replies... OPs spouse should not be belittling him. That said, it is her choice who she wants in the room with her.
Why do people always say that it’s the woman’s choice because she is the one giving birth ? The baby is 50% his. If they weren’t a couple I might perhaps think differently but telling her husband that he can’t see his own child being born but her mother can just seems mean. Is her mother going to be there when their child is crying in the middle of the night for a feed or nappy change? Is she going to pay for food, clothing, heating? No. He will be expected to do half of the child rearing, not her mother.
Load More Replies... If OP's wife really made that comment, I'm concerned about her passing on to her son the idea of toxic masculinity as a life goal. Something else is going on here, though. I feel like she has a specific reason why she doesn't want him in the room. They need to learn to communicate better if they're going to raise children.
What are the chances that this is his perspective and hers may be completely different - how often has he been 'begging (demanding?)" - and perhaps her 'man up' was simply a 'accept it"?
Load More Replies... This is an interesting one because when I first read it I was so 100% NTA and thought the wife was a b!tch, but then the more I thought about it the more it started to feel like we weren't getting the whole story. "Begged and pleaded" sounds a lot like "refused to respect a decision that I both logically and compassionately knew was hers to make", and if he really is moping around the house trying to guilt trip her.... That isn't great, either. Also, why is he leaving out her reason for not wanting him there? Such a major thing to ignore. (And if he's asked and she refuses to tell him, why isn't he mentioning that too?) I don't think there's any context that would justify talking to him like that, but I'm starting to wonder if he's been pushing and pushing on this without listening to her side of things and she finally just snapped. Withholding judgement on this one because I just feel like there's not enough info....
A relative of mine was not allowed to be in the room when his wife gave birth to their three children, three separate births. But the wife did have a very good reason. My relative faints at the sight and sometimes smell of blood. And she kinda wanted the hospital staff to pay attention to her and the baby's needs which I think is totally fair.
Sure, if discussed in a fair and open matter. I'm sure the man knows his limits :) It doesn't sound like this man expects to faint though.
Load More Replies... Well, it's her decision to make, so she has every right to refuse to let him there. He is, of course, has every right to be sad about it. She definitely shouldn't be mean to him, but if he keeps pushing instead of accepting her decision, he's not in the right too. This is a situation which is difficult to judge when you know just one point of view.
I still don't understand the obsession with watching the child emerge from the canal among all the p**s and s**t and pain. Maybe focus on the baby itself?
How is he to focus on the baby if he's not even in the room? He's not saying he wants a front row seat with his nose at her crotch, he wants to be in the room. Getting to be the first person to hold my baby is a memory I hope I never lose. It was magic. If I wasn't in the room, I would not have got to experience that.
Load More Replies... This is a hard one. I totally understand why some women would not want their partner to see them give birth. Even though it’s the most incredible thing we can do it’s also the least attractive thing we can do. A full human coming from your partner’s favourite body part is a lot to think about. Having said that, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone but my partner in the room with me when I gave birth. I needed him to be there so that I could squeeze his hand so tightly that he cried and so that I could use my extensive vocabulary of 4 letter words to explain to him that my pain was his fault. You can’t say that stuff to your mother.
"it’s also the least attractive thing we can do" --- having witnessed two births, I couldn't disagree with this more.
Load More Replies... Could be the sweetest guy ever but this reads like a narcissist who routinely uses the wounded puppy act to get what they want.
How? I do t get that at all. She’s being totally selfish and entitled, and denying him the chance to see his child being born! SHE’S the AH here!
Load More Replies... Sounds like an unreliable narrative written by someone who routinely uses percieved vulnerability to get their way.
Pregnancy makes hormones go nuts so her lashing out (though very rude) is probably caused by that. It is her choice bc it is her body regardless that he's the father. She might not be comfortable with a man seeing the process. She might think it'll change their marriage because that indeed has happened. Though she was mean about it, he needs to come to terms that is IS her choice and the hospital staff would very likely support her decision. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is. She made her choice and it's cruel of him to beg. Accept it and move on.
I can understand her not wanting the husband to see the baby actually come out of her body (being self conscious, worried about pooping, worried the husband will be grossed out and not find her sexually attractive anymore, etc), but not allowing him to even be in the room is a bit strange.
Both are the AH. She just wants her mom and that is her choice since she is giving birth to a little human. She should have only said no to this request and he should not have begged. Now she should not have said that to her husband but I wonder how often he asked and if she really said that.
If it happened the way he says it does, then I feel very bad for him. Being kind and respectful despite the wife's misogyny and clear disrespect. I think that any man should be there to see his child being born, however it is the wife's decision as she is the one giving birth and the one who had to carry for 9 months. On the other hand, this is a little suspicious and he sounds like a guy trying to get his way. Unreliable narrative and the word choices definitely make it a lot more suspicious.
It's a crazy time. When his wife spoke to him about being a man, I wonder if she usually talks like that. Hormones can be a crazy thing. I have known the nicest women to become really quite nasty by the end of the pregnancy, because of hormones, discomfort, and nerves. My daughter arrived last month. I wasn't allowed in the room, but that was hospital policy (COVID rules). I had the whole pregnancy to prepare for it, so by the time it came, I was good with it. I also couldn't see the baby or my wife for 5 days because of quarantine. However, looking back now, it doesn't matter. My daughter and wife are both home with me, and what I care about is being present *now*, when my daughter needs me. Ultimately, in this situation, it is the OP's wife's choice because she is going through it all. Best to do what she wants, especially given the trauma she's been through in the past. Hopefully she'll look back one day on the nastier things she's saying to her husband now with regret.
Woah. If I had told my husband that he couldn't be in the delivery room, he would never have accepted it. He would have "manned up" and told me that he would absolutely be there, and he was an active and supportive partner in both of our births. That said, we knew how we both felt about having kids, and being parents long before we had them. I can't imagine being married to someone who didn't share those ideas. I have so much empathy and respect for this guy, I hope they find common ground before it's too late.
Ngl your husband sounds like a nightmare. "Manning up" and violating your bodily autonomy isn't as cute as you apparently think it is, but at least y'all found each other I guess.
Load More Replies... I (F if it matters) agree with everyone here in the comments but there's one thing that caught my eye that wasn't brought up. "I feel like crying, but I don't want her to know, and get mad at me again, so I told her I was going out to get groceries, and am writing this in the car to try to calm myself down." I'm a pretty emotional person and it gets me in a lot of trouble from being told my crying as annoying to getting screamed at for "begging and guilt tripping." The fact that he's afraid of her being angry at him to the point he's lying to get away shows that there's more happening than him just trying to manipulate her. I had an ex that would verbally abuse me until I was crying and then collapse into self doubt because she didn't mean to hurt me and then take out that anger on me and it was a hopeless cycle. This isn't the same situation, but I understand that fear of trying to hide your reactions from the person berating you so they don't hurt you more.
He says that she got angry at him for having a sad face (that he probably has because he's, you know, sad?) and brings it up herself to open the conversation again so she can scold him more. I may be biased and the wife has final say over who goes in the room, but it's very understandable how stressed oop is over the situation and there is definitely something going on in the background with their relationship if she's so fast to say those things to him, especially being sexist.
Load More Replies... This woman is being SOOOO mean! The way she’s speaking to him is NOT OK! I understand wanting to pick who will be in the delivery room with you, but it’s ALSO HIS CHILD! She’s gestating his DNA! They’ve been together for SEVEN YEARS, and I’m sure he’s seen it all. UGH! I FEEL SOOO bad for this dad, and ultimately for this child, that will be raised by this woman who believes that men’s emotions don’t count. 😔
Giving birth is incredibly scary and I get her not wanting her husband to see her in that state ... laboring is not pretty, and at time like that her mum is often all a woman wants ... after all her mother did it and knows what's happening. Op said right at the start of the post he was sulking so her getting cheesed off doesn't surprise me... stress does weird things to a person. Yip she shouldn't have said it in the way she did but from the sounds of it I can kind of get where she may be coming from. Saying that men are and should be able to express their feelings but honestly at that time she needs to feel safe and that's got to come first. She'll probably call for him during the labour anyway, as I said it's an extremely stressful time for them both and they are both likely to upset each other
Sounds like someone wants time to think of a story if the baby doesn't look like dad 🤔
Wife is acting like OP is an ex she hates. And you'd really have to hate someone to deprive them of this once in a lifetime moment. Maybe OP could get her mom involved and compromise - he stays out of the room and doesn't get on her nerves for most of it, and she lets him in at zero hour to welcome his child. Maybe also he stays at the head of the bed and doesn't look at her drastically abused parts (if that's what is bothering her).
I didn’t want my husband to see me in labor for vanity reasons. He just said, “I was there when she went in. I’ll be there when she comes out.” Our daughter was born in distress. She came around and was fine but for those few minutes when it was touch and go I can’t imagine what it would have been like if he wasn’t by my side.
I want to hear the spouses side of the story, not because I'm on her side, but I need to understand her way of thinking. I understand that this can be stressful but being pregnant is no excuse to be saying something so hurtful. I could give her a pass for possibly her beliefs that she needs a strong support system and doesn't believe you are one. I'm not on her side, not for such a hurtful comment and I'm worried about her passing on that to your son in a time when we need men who aren't dangerous, but maybe start using terms that describe you guys as a unit, a team. "MY experience" sounds isolated, she probably may have started to believe you aren't there for her, just the kid. Again, trying to play devils advocate here, but for all I know, her reasoning may be worse and she's hiding something. I need updates.
From his part of the story I say NTA. I understand she can choose who's in the delivery room with her.She shouldn't belittle him and tell him to "Be a man" for crying because she won't let him in.He just wants to make sure everything goes right because of how the pregnancy was for her
It's just as much his child as hers. He has the same right to decide who will be there. Says a lot about their relationship. I'm shocked her mother is okay being there over the hubby...but the MIL is most likely where the wife gets her attitude and actions. Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to treat your spouse like s**t.
Lol, he would have the same right if pregnancy and birth would actually immediately affect his body.
Load More Replies... If I were OP I would definitely be asking the WHY question. I would lay odds that the Mother has maybe put the idea of him not being there in his wife's head. I'd also be asking the wife to have an honest discussion about her reaction, and maybe see if she would talk to someone. Mood Swings and Anger are definitely something that a lot of pregnant women feel and have to deal with but sometimes it can be pretty extreme and talking to a doctor about it may help. She may also be having anxiety over the baby being born due to the previous miscarriages - I would imagine that she's thinking if anything is going to go wrong now it will be at the birth, so maybe that is feeding into her anxiety and choice of him not being in the room.
There's a slight possibility she is in depression, from the hormones to the past trauma, and she's afraid he will bond right away and she isn't feeling right. Jer past miscarriages and lack of bonding with her partner put her at high risk for postpartum depression. None of that excuses her abusive behavior, there are plenty of warning signs without this possibility.
She probably has real insecurities about him observing her privates as they go through the process. Pooping and all, it's not pretty. But an adult couple should be able to get past that and experience the event. He could stay at the head of the bed I she's so worried. But her nasty comments about his masculinity were unconscionable. Shame on her.
? Is he really sure it's his? Just saying.. she doesn't sound like she even likes her husband. He is TOTALLY NTA. it is just weird how she refuses to have him in the rm why not? Has she actually given him a real reason it didn't say?
Let's break this down. #1 - yes, it's her right to have whomever she chooses and deny whomever she wants to. #2 - She was being a misandrist b*tch by telling him to "man up" and making cracks about him and their son. #3 - If those are her ideas of what masculinity should be ("Real men don't get emotional or cry or have strong feelings about life milestones") they are *extremely* toxic, and he's going to have a hell of a time raising his son to be a balanced and compassionate man if she brutalizes the kid every time he shows strong emotion - like she brutalized her husband. #4 - If she's insecure about being seen by her husband giving birth, there were better ways to express that than attacking his manhood. Concl.: regardless of her rights to be comfortable giving birth, this woman is a toxic, cruel, misandrist who is abusive to her husband. No amount of "she's pregnant and all that comes with that should be respected" excuses her behavior. Not even if he didn't handle it right either.
The day my son was born, I also was not allowed in the room while my wife was giving birth. It was the best decision she ever made, because I would have annoyed her to no end. I get anxious around needles, blood, and other similar medical things - and - I talk (a lot) when I get anxious. I didn't want to be in the delivery room, but I felt that it was something a father *should* do. Looking back I have nothing but great memories of that day and I can't thank her enough for making a decision that I couldn't make.
If he's walking around with a sad puppy dog face, then she's right about him needing to man up. I can see why she's losing patience with him. This couple has problems, and this poor kid is being born into this situation.
NTA it's your child as well you have every RIGHT to be in that room. Why is she so adamant that you not be in the room? She sounds like someone with something to hide. Calling you a broken puppy and that it's pissing her off? When you have every right to be there for the birth of your child.
They should have discussed this before starting to make a baby. I kinda get you not wanting your husband see your downstairs explode. But you can tell him to stand at your head so it's not so visible. It's an extremely emotional moment. It's sad she is so unsure she wants to deny him the experience. Wonder if she will make him sleep in another room until she is out of diapers after the birth too....
I went to comment on the Reddit thread, but it's been taken down. If this is unusual behavior for his wife, which it sounds like it is since he seemed to be so taken aback by it, she needs to get evaluated for postpartum mood disorders. Symptoms often start showing up during 3rd trimester. And with her history of miscarriages, she's likely at increased risk.
I find it so sad that the wife is trying to block him out of his child’s birth. It’s as much his baby as it is hers. If you’ve decided to spend a life together why wouldn’t you want to share this moment together? If she’s worried about him seeing the baby coming out of her or whatnot, could they not meet halfway and he could stay up by her head? Or is there more to the story here? I suspect there might be.
Ok/ I may take some slack for this- but WHY shouldn't the father - who's is married to her- be allowed inside? There's gotta be a compromise somehow. Live recording- he can see from another room in real time? Idk. But I've given birth twice. One each way- and although with the c-section I would've wanted my mother- I could not refuse the father to be there. I would never take that experience away from a parent who wants to be involved as such. I could understand if they weren't together- perhaps. But idk- I feel like some other option for him should be given. Makes me sad- my children's dads said it was the best day of their lives! Who was I to deprive them of that?
I'm curious why she's so strongly against him being there. If I were married and pregnant, I wouldn't want to give birth *without* my husband there. I'm not normally one to automatically get suspicious of cheating or whatever, but you have to wonder if she has something to hide?
Maybe she's worried he won't find her sexy after seeing a baby come out her, most women accidentally poop too
Load More Replies... That wife is a s**t and I feel sorry for the boy she will raise. Men also have feelings and should be able to express them.
Something about this story is rather sus. It's as if OP's wife was going out of her way to make her husband not want to be in the delivery room. I wonder if paternity is playing a role here......🤔
is it possible that she still carries unprocessed feelings from her previous miscarriages? or even reactions to her feelings of grief at that time? it seems to me to be a transference. it would not be you personally who would be meant, but old unprocessed experiences would be shifted onto you. that is doubly sad, because it deprives you of valuable and unique experiences. Can it be worked through before the birth? I am sorry that there is so much grief involved in this joyful experience and that you have to bear this alone, when it may even be her own unprocessed grief. Since she is already stressed and full of anxiety, I don't know if you can address it at this moment? maybe at least this thought will help you a little bit, that is possibly projected onto you here. i still wish all the best from the bottom of my heart. i find your behavior great, empathetic, considerate and loving.
it's that last line that did it for me. OP has referred to the pregnancy being pretty difficult for "US" - but he wasn't pregnant, his wife was. He's told a story about his deceased father - that's the whole reason he wants to be in the delivery room. So he's making it about him following in his father's footsteps. He says he and his 8 mos pregnant wife talked about what happens when she goes into labor, and that's when she told him she won't have him in the delivery room, likely due to what OP said. OP is now "sulking" (his term), "convincing, pleading, begging" (again his terms) and "really sad." Yet you find his refusal to accept his wife's decision and his constant emphasis on his own feelings "great, empathetic, considerate and loving." That's where I disagree. OP is a drama queen and comes off very narcissistic and manipulative to me. His flowery language is a red flag.
Load More Replies... Red flags written all over this! Controlling behaviour and down right misogynistic. Your not allowed in but I bet she'll be the first to stop you going out once the child is born. Also if you feel you can't show your feelings to your wife because she'll get mad then in my honest opinion she doesn't deserve you.......it's a tricky situation but how she is is the reflection of what she'll be in the future. Being in the delivery room, seeing my daughter being born was thee most scariest, nervous and happiest time of my life, being able to cut the cord and hold her is something I can't put into words. Bro, get couples counseling!
Any woman who does not want the father there (if they are still in a relationship) is an AH. The father has a right to be in the room (again, if they are still in a relationship) which outranks anyone else's right. The birth process is about family, not just about the mother.
Uh? So the fathers emotions overrule the physical and emotional stress of labor? I think that she should get to choose who's with her in the room at that time.
Load More Replies... The thought occurred to me that maybe she doesn't want him there because the kid may come out looking very obviously not his.
Load More Replies... What reason do you have for that? That seems like you just plucked that out of the air.
Load More Replies... Wow. You just basically just said that fathers have absolutely no right to have emotions in case it upsets their wife, and that her feelings are far more important than his. You need to dig yourself out of that cave. It’s not 1950 anymore.
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