“She’s Sitting On A Computer All Day”: Dad Thinks His Work Is More Important Than Daughter’s, Gets A Reality Check Online
Work comes in all shapes and sizes, especially nowadays. Full-time, part-time, freelance, flexible contracts, no set schedule work, seasonal work, overtime work, rotating schedule, unpredictable schedule… You get the idea! Fact is, not one of those is better than the other, just maybe less common to come across.
That last fact leads to us imagining what the other side is like—more flexible schedules clearly mean that the person has more time to insert daily tasks and responsibilities at their free will. Clearly that isn’t always the case, as we’ll see in this story today.
One dad came to r/AmIthe[Jerk] to ask whether he was in the wrong for his actions, or whether his daughter was, as he called it, self-centered and childish. The internet was quick to respond and the resulting verdict may have not been what the dad had anticipated.
Remember—Bored Panda is just the messenger, don’t downvote just because you disagree with the situation. Leave your thoughts in the comments section below, telling us what you would have done differently. If you’re craving another AITA afterwards, here’s a link to one here. Now let’s get into it!
The last thing you want to do after work is deal with errands, so you ask your kids for help. But if their work clashes with your set timelines, it may lead to issues
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
One dad wondered whether he was the jerk for getting into a heated argument with his “childish” daughter over some un-run errands
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Credits: daughterthrowAITA
Finding balance between work and family is often not the easiest thing, requiring communication and understanding from both sides, and it seems that both had been lacking in the situation that, unfortunately, unfolded.
Let’s take a step back for one second and take a look at everything that happened. Daughter came home for the holidays to spend a few weeks with her family. During that time, she was busy grading her students’ papers, however, her dad didn’t seem to think that it was ‘real work’ with her clearly having the spare time to spend with the family.
Errand after errand came up with which he wanted her help, but she refused to follow his deadlines for when said errands needed to be done, as she was busy with work. That irked the dad to the point of him confronting her, escalating into telling her to stay somewhere else, which she happily agreed to do. She packed up her things and left for her girlfriend’s home.
Now, we can never judge these situations fully, as all we know about their relationship is explained in a few measly sentences. However, it certainly seems that the two have not had a conversation on boundaries, the dad hypocritically expecting his daughter to do the tasks he himself didn’t feel like doing due to post-work fatigue.
What is very obvious, however, is that a parent should never throw ultimatums like these at their kids: behave or leave. Jessica Alexander and psychotherapist Iben Sandahl argue that giving ultimatums to children essentially puts parents in a power struggle with their kids, where there has to be a winner and a loser.
What parents often don’t realize is that they are the ones losing, even if they feel they won in the moment. They lose closeness with threats and fear, and then they lose respect, because children learn that boundaries don’t mean anything. What did the dad win in this situation? He drove his eldest daughter away, and got the rest of the family angry with him.
It’s not too surprising that the internet came to a conclusion that the man was indeed the jerk for his actions. Could the daughter have been more open and transparent with her schedules? Mayhaps, but when the ears of understanding are closed, speak as much as you wish, it won’t lead you far.
We hope that the family is able to reunite, apologize, and move forward with a bit more clarity as to what actually matters: being in the authoritative position of power and dominance, or having a peaceful connection with the ones that love you the most. Leave us your thoughts on this story in the comments below, dear Pandas, and enjoy some of the opinions from fellow netizens.
Have a great day, and I’ll see you in the next one!
The dad came forth to give some more clarity on the situation and explain his actions further in the comments section
People unanimously agreed that he was in the wrong for how he handled things. Leave your opinions in the comments below!
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Do you really need to ask if yta? Your adult daughter does not owe you her time. She comes home and you treat her like a child. Good luck maintaining a relationship with her. Grad work is hard and even if she has 30 minutes to spare, you should not expect her to fill it with your errands.
Yeah, I wonder about some of these. You'd think as you were writing this out that you'd realize what you're saying. But, I also look back on my own life and realize, hey that thing I was really upset about, and felt that I had been wronged. Actually, I was TA. This kind of self reflection doesn't come naturally. It helps to have a good therapist that can call you on your own s**t. It also helps to recognize, I can be a good person, and still make mistakes as a father and husband. But maybe I can learn from these, and be a better partner for my wife, and model for my kids. I want my kids to still want to spend time with me when they're adults after all. Hopefully this guy learns too.
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The thing that jumped out at me was "I told her..." - really, not asking but telling?
Read it and weep Dan. I can't speak for everyone, but as a man, you're 1950's, 'Women are second class citizens', viewpoint shows you're not a man, since real men don't think like that. If you are married I feel sorry for the poor girl you most likely had to buy to be with you, cause I doubt anyone can love someone who thinks like that. You need a reality check grandpa. Women aren't second class citizens, nor are they objects or whatever sexist b******t you believe. That line of thinking died out a long time ago and should stay dead. People like you need to go outside, walk up to the nearest tree and beg its forgiveness for wasting the oxygen it provides you with.
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Grad school is time consuming and exhausting!!! You do more work outside the classroom than in it, A LOT more work. And she is working too! I sympathize with the daughter. Yes, a lot is sitting at a computer, but you can be mentally drained too which can lead to being physically tired. My work now is not physically taxing but, boy oh boy, it is emotionally draining at times. All that said, these are favors/requests and not demands. He needs to show her more respect as an adult. It sounds like she was willing to help, she just couldn’t drop everything and do it that second. I hope they find a middle ground and he learns something from this AITA so they can have a relationship.
Going for a Masters alone was hard work (couldn't afford to get PhD). A doctorate is so much harder. Dad should be proud of her and not treat her as an errand girl.
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I've read the whole thing on Reddit and he's complaining that she's already lying to him to get him of her back. But in his comments it's clear that he just doesn't see what she's doing as valid. He's convinced her work isn't really work or exhausting because he has a hard labour job and never experienced the exhaust of work that might not be demanding physically but needs concentration over a long period of time. He doesn't understand that if you do something like grading or learning or writing a text you can't just stop right in the middle and get back to it like you could with lots of manual labour. He doesn't understand that you'll have to concentrate and go on until it's done sometimes just like you have to when you for example use glue or are cooking and can't just let stuff sit there and dry out or get burned. That's why he also doesn't accept the judgement. I started in blue collar jobs and then changed career to working white collar. Both is real work. Both is exhausting.
Same, I switched. There are some ignorant folk in white or blue that think the opposite is not real hard work. Its straight up prejudice. He hasn't even attempted to understand her work. BUT, he says he's going to the office....
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I love how r/Aita is always "Somebody ran me over, AITA?" Or "I ran over someone and it was clearly their fault cause the world revolves around me" and sometimes the rare clickbait title that makes it sound like they'd be TA but after reading the whole thing, it's nothing like that.
And for example, this dude is clearly the a-hole but is somehow completely blind to it.
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This is such disgusting behavior from this father. He has belittled, demeaned, and made light of her work at every turn. Trying to call her a liar about her need to complete it. Being demanding and oppositional to every task he told her to do. Her willingness to help wasn't enough for him. He acts like working from a computer is the same as playing games on it and doesn't take her seriously at all. On top of being exhausted from school, trying to get her work done for work, and complete her personal needs, his added stress was likely weighing on her heavily. His narrative has been the only one to matter. He sounds like he has some narcissistic tendencies to me. The poor woman sounds like she's been on the defense since she got there with him questioning and checking her calendar behind her. I'd be ready to chew my arm off to get away from him. I hope he learns a lesson but he's 54 years old, he may be set in his ways. I hope she can relax at her friend's house. He's a giant âsshole!
Especially when he said “I told her she needed to run to the store” ! That’s the language he is using without thinking about it, of course he’s an a**e.
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More "it doesn't look hard to me, ergo it must be easy", on top of, "since you can set your own hours, why don't you set them to prioritize MEeeeeee!?!?" Because even jobs where you can still set your hours have deadlines. She doesn't need to justify her work ethic, schedule, or choices on how best to tackle her workload. NONE of that is up for debate.
If she was his wife and was lazying around, I would get it, but it's his daughter. Who cares, even if she was lazying around, hmm maybe because he works so hard and is jealous? Weird.
Load More Replies... If she had not come home for the holiday that sweater would still need to be exchanged and that order would still need to be collected. It's not as if she wouldnt do it either but she wanted to do it when she felt free and ready to do so, not when he felt he wanted it done. If you ask anyone to do something for you, you don't make it a here and now demand, you value their time and be grateful. These were errands specific to him that he created himself and were not a part of normal household shared duties, yeah mate YTA.
But parents, particularly narcissistic parents see nothing wrong with this... This guy is tame compared to my mom... They make their kids miserable... Good for her for going to her girlfriends, he needs to learn boundaries or be lonely
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Mostly work from home and if I have the time I will do chores between work stuff. If anyone would demand I do chores between work I would probably not do them. 1. work is important 2. my internal schedule is important If I were to take time off midday I would have to work later. If I work past 4/5 pm my mind just is not in the game. This father is ignorant.
Multi-tasking is less efficient, anyway. Both mentally and physically. It makes more sense to do work in one block of time, and chores in another.
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Geezus. It's like reading something my own mom would say. Narcissistic AH
Obviously there must be something slowly cooking before hand. She didn´t want to came home for the holidays, so this whole situation with the errands were the straw that broke the camel´s back.
He's probably treated her like this her whole life- like nothing she needs/does is nearly as important as him and/or his wants. Her accomplishments (working for a PhD means she's had quite a few) had probably been devalued and minimized constantly. She most likely knew what she was getting into when she tried to decline coming home. I don't blame her at all for getting out of there the first chance she got. Now she may get a little peace and quiet to finish her work.
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The audacity for saying, grading is just reading and give remark on the rubric, had made me laugh. Sitting all day, in front of computer, or just reading things and grading them is not always fun. You have to think as well. She is a grown up, with her own works, her own courses, and checking her timetable is what you placed yourself as the AH.
Grading is stressful and tiring. The course of someone's future might depend on every grade you give. You've got to take it very seriously. 100 essays on the same topic start to merge. You've got to fight hard to keep things consistent and calibrated. After essay 50 its easy to be pissed off, and let that affect someone's grade. 100% not an easy job. That's coming from an academic who has spent years also working physically very demanding jobs in a high pressure environment. Marking is hard. Period.
Load More Replies... Almost everything he says is wrong. I feel OP struggles to understand life outside of his own perspective, is prejudiced about employment and types of work, and in denial about children growing up.
"constantly too busy to do things with us or help" - yes, a grown up with a life and responsibility. Two weeks is still pretty good, so quit moaning. "and told her she needed to" - try asking. She doesn't work for you. Its not her responsibility to organise your life. "I didn't feel like running out" - lazy child OP. Organise your own life. "doesn't have a long day at work" , "sitting on her a*s", yes, working whilst sitting down is still work. Idiot. Prejudiced that only his hourly rate job counts as work. She is also on vacation and still has to work. "doesn't even have scheduled work", "she can do it whenever she wants". Nope, like running a business a huge challenge is self motivation, discipline and routine. Which you have to create and enforce alone. His job is likely p**s easy in this regard. "staying in your pyjamas is hard work", the type of clothes you wear does not effect its difficulty. His job would not be harder if he wore pyjamas. "I think its ridiculous, only person on planet" - yes look in a mirror. You describe only yourself. No wonder she left.
Load More Replies... Wild guess: OP is wildly insecure about his own education and acts out by diminishing his daughter’s efforts.
I'll focus on something else since all has been said anyway, if the daughter can sit all day behind a computer, on her own time, and still support herself, and have a sustainable life, then who cares what she's doing? It's obviously working for her. Be glad she's not still living at home barely able to support herself, I guess.
He sounds like my ex, constantly harassing our kids to do things he can do himself.
I panicked for a second until I realized you said ex. Sorry you and your kids had to deal with that. xx
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For one thing, she's NOT a part of your household. She's a guest. That alone makes him the AH. She's guest he's making insane demands of. For another, She's working. Could her work time be flexible? Maybe. But is that good for her? Maybe not. She may have a routine, plans, promises made. It's her damn business. The overreach here is insane.
YTA. I'm in an office job - work all day on the computer, talking on the phone, helping people with their problems. At the end of the day it's all I can do to walk the dog. The last thing I want to is run someone else's errands, much less my own.
Neither does the guy or lady who is out breaking rocks in the blazing Sun all day. Been there and done that for many years. By the end of the week, most of us were practically crawling back to our vehicle to get home. That said, the father is out of line. His grown daughter is not his personal assistant. Can she help the family when she has time? Yes, but she most definitely doesn't have to ask how high when he says jump.
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This daughter sounds like she has amazing time management skills and self discipline. He was mad that she wouldn't let him sabotage that? *shakes head*
OP doesn’t say what he does for a living, but I bet it’s not mentally challenging. Mental — brain — hard work is just as hard and can be just as exhausting as physical work. OP clearly has no respect for his daughter or her work.
Agree. He seems to have built up some prejudice about types of work. Wrong side of the dunning kruger plot if you ask me.
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Why can't you do it? You're too (there's 2 o's in that) busy also? How about picking it up after work like everyone else. Why didn't you ask her to wrap it also. Better yet, get her to pay for it!
You'd think that if he didn't have time to spare running errands, he wouldn't have had time to get on her computer and find her schedules of when things are due. I'd have left without having to be told. I hope she keeps in touch with her mom and sister.
The large majority of people in this country work in front of a computer all day. If I were to leave my home to run errands during the day and my manager tries to get a hold of me, I could potentially lose my ability to work remotely. That's the reality of today's work experience.
Absolutely, positively, the OP is being an àsshole, and quite an astonishing one at that. Their daughter is 28, for Pete's sake! She is an adult VISITING for the holidays! Frankly, I hope she never speaks to his narcissistic àss ever again. You can't act surprised when you try to pull that "my house, my rules" BS with an adult and they simply choose to leave. If your errands are so important, then you do them, or you pay someone else, period. I can't even imagine treating my adult children like this, and they still live at home while completing college. These people baffle the mind...
Definitely the a**hole. Try asking if she could help you out instead of demanding she do right now. The woman is going for a PhD, you don't understand the work involved (obviously) so your just going to stomp your feet and pound your chest like the barbarian you are. You've lost your daughter. I hope it was worth it.
He’s paving the way to dying alone in a state-run nursing home. No kids or grandkids visiting. No birthday or Christmas cards and little gifts. No pictures drawn by the grandkids or great-grandkids. No phone calls or Zoom (or whatever type of communication we end up having in the future) get-togethers with family. None of it. He’ll watch other people’s families come see them. But no one for him. And absolutely ALL of it his OWN damn fault!
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I hope this dad enjoys spending MANY holidays and years alone, estranged from at least this daughter
Did this man take parenting advice from my dad or are they in the same shītty dad club? I give her five years before she completely stops talking to him if he doesn't change his "I am your authority figure" attitude.
So. You don't understand working about anything with computers. I get it, you're too old for that s**t and your opinions are from earlier century. I just didn't understand that the century was 1800, and you would like some personal slaves to work for you. So you have a PhD? Do you have any idea how much work that is? Have you ever wrote 6+ strsight hours with a computer? Do you know that there is some other stuff in internet and within computers than solitaire and reddit? Do you understand that a shitload off work globally is been done by people sitting their a*s in front of computer? I hate this kind of condesending and annoying way to b***h to people almost as much I hate people that are so egoistic and stupid as you are.
Yep. You can't be bothered to wrap your mother's Christmas gift, much less pick it up. Your gift to your mother. Not accepting that your daughter is working on her vacay. In fact belittling her work Knickers in a knot because a 28 year old on a holiday visit won't do chores for you on your schedule. Asking nicely and treating her like a grown up who is capable of meshing with hers. And your ultimatum? That can only be likened to stepping in muck so deep you need hip-waders. Game over! You don't offer an ultimatum until you are equally happy with either outcome and committed to face all consequences. I doubt you've lost your daughter forever. (FWIW, I am past 54, an imperfect mother of her own 28 year old - a wonderful man whose choices are not always what I would wish)
YTA - I haven’t spoken to my Mom in 6 years for the utter disrespect in situations like this. Kids don’t owe you anything but you sure owe your kids alot for choosing to bring them into this life.
It has to be a joke. Exchanging a sweater, picking up an order, seriously? That's ridiculous.
The sweater was the fathers fault that it was the wrong one. If you make a mistake, you fix it. He’s an adult. Same with the order, you order it, you pick it up.
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Why couldn't the sister who received the sweater exchange it? And the gall, checking her calendar. The fact that she came home at all is a surprise and may be the reason she's leaving after two weeks. You don't want to enjoy her presence, you just want her to be your personal errand girl.
YTA. Your behavior was arrogant and obnoxious She is an adult with a full life and obligations. You showed no respect. She's an adult. You owe your daughter a sincere apology.
YTA.. You never asked your daughter to run an errand -- you TOLD her to. Big difference. She's not your personal assistant. If this was a matter of simply doing some chores around the house, ASKING her to run dishwasher or throw clothes in dryer, those are things she should share in as a resident of the house. Her work is important to her, just as your work is important to you. It's just different, that's all. You need to rethink your attitude and outlook on things, dad.
But daughter is also not a resident. He said she came back for 2 weeks out of the 4 she had off, which means she has her own place likely not very close by and no longer lives with them at all. She was a guest at this point. Also made even clearer by the fact that she could pack all of her stuff up and go back to her home in a matter of minutes when she finally had enough of him.
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My dad works from home on the computer, is in meetings all day and comes to dinner still trying to work through his stress. He's the furthest from lazy. This guy is messed up.
My mom works from home too. She has the most stressful job ever- staffing a hospital.
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My issue is that if these things are "so super important", why does he leave it up to her? Isn't the saying "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself"? Also, wrapping a gift is so f*****g important that you throw away your relationship with your child? What kind of s**t family dynamics is that? Sure I wrapped my aunts' and uncles' gifts before Christmas, but they're going to get their gifts around Easter now because no one remembered to bring them for my father's birthday dinner right after Christmas. If it's so "important", why didn't you do it way sooner? Screw you and that tiny ant hill you're willing to die on.
Unfortunately far too many don't consider using your brain as work. Physical is easier for them so that's what they value.
That may be true but everyone should value the physical work as well. The house isn't building itself, the store shelves don't just magically become stocked by the press of a few buttons. The electricity doesn't flow because someone wills it with their mind. The trash would sit in front of your hovel because nobody built a house for you, you would spend time gathering water at the river because of the lack of mindless plumbers and would have to resort to hunting and gathering because there are no brain dead, rural, farmers and ranchers. Not to mention the fact that the computer would be useless without those imbecilic electricians.
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OP CLEARLY doesn't see academic work as work, has no concept of the sheer amount of labor that goes into his daughter's job, and seems to think that she is answerable to him. Let me enlighten you. Your daughter is puting in TWICE the work you are every day to try to accomplish something that will determine her quality of life (and bracket of income) moving forward and YOU ARE SABOTAGING HER!!!!! Also, you waiting to handle Christmas presents til LAST MINUTE doesn't make this an emergency and she is in no way obligated to set aside her career, her future, and the precious little time she has to eat, sleep, groom, and attend to her own mental and physical health needs to handle YOUR screwups/errands. If I were your kid I'd be cutting contact with you. Good GODS you're the AH. And this is coming from someone who goes back and forth b/w working in academia+working a physical labor hourly job.Evenpulling doubles w/ hourly I don't even APPROACH the amount of work I put in to my academic job.
Oh where do I start. My father was ninety when he passed. When I would visit he would never tell me to drop what I was doing and be his servant. He would ask me to go with him when he went grocery shopping. He would ask me to pick things up if I was already out but he never ordered me to do it. Yta
Whenever I ordered online, I always had it delivered to my office. I put it in my car on my lunch hr then go home. Why didn't he have this package delivered to his office? Why couldn't he bring the sweater to work and exchange it on his way home? I spent my 2 week vacation at my dad's house and he did not ask me to do anything. I did dishes, laundry, yard work because i WANTED to. Before going back to school, I gave him money for food and the phone bill but he gave it back. I miss my dad
The truly ironic part is I bet he just barely holds back calling her lazy too, not realizing that too is a mirror he's looking in. Good on her for going literally anywhere else that has a better environment to better herself and her future in. Clearly, she can't do those things when her dad is around. Makes you wonder how bad the childhood was.
Straight up YTA. You could so tell this dumbass never got past highschool and had to work warehouse type jobs. Girl is working on her doctorate not playing Minecraft. So he's getting mad that his super focused daughter is hammering away at her doctorate and won't drop everything when he snaps his fingers to do things he totally can do but doesn't "feel" like doing it. I mean she only there 2 weeks. Was AH always planning on using her to run errands for him? And I'm guessing the mother is either dead or divorced the father for being an AH?
OP did say that his wife and younger daughter were furious with him for driving her away, so her mom is still there and was likely the reason she came home at all. How much longer mom and other daughter stay now is debatable if he doesnt fix this.
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Wow. This one is so off the mark. When I was in grad school, I was paid to work 20 hours a week as a TA, but I easily worked 30-35 hours most weeks. This was in addition to my full load of courses that I was taking, each of which required that I write a 20+ page paper for the end of the semester. So, she was probably doing her course work in addition to grading papers and exams.
As a retired teacher, I am without words to describe your reaction to your daughter. Just because your daughter is not punching a clock at a stand alone building she is working (very hard) just the same! YES, you are TAH!!! The hours it takes to grade papers on a computer and make corrections take seriously MORE TIME than red lettering by hand on papers. It is obvious that this problem started with a lack of understanding this educational process and that she was working over her break confirms how she is giving up her time off to work. Your errand was not just a one time request but at least twice in your article, maybe more? Teacher correction here: When you use the word "to" and it means "also" it is written "too.". You has several errors in you whinny article.
Yeah the grammar pissed me off because he's being so annoying about how school isn't hard work when it's clear he didn't attend and has no idea how much work she's actually doing. Infuriating.
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💯 the AH. Basically asking his child a favor and DEMANDS it be done on his timeliness with NO respect whatsoever for the child's needs. Hupocrite!
I have relatives like that. Haven't seen em in 30 years. Thanks for the reminder why I wanted nothing to do with em.
I hope that the younger daughter knows all the facts or learns them. Wouldn't be surprised if both daughters go no contact. Mom would likely not understand why though.
The lack of respect for her work is infuriating. School is NOT easy, and she's getting her PHD. Are you kidding me right now? She has a ton of s**t to do and she doesn't need you hounding her about doing YOUR chores. This is maddening. You're acting like her work isn't important or difficult, which it is.
Men kill me. YOU have shopping errands to do right before Christmas, but you're demanding the nearest person with a vagina does it for you. I know that's hardly the biggest problem here, but I have never met any man in my whole life who thought gift giving was his job. "Oh, my wife will do it. My daughter will do it. My sister will do it." Even if they do one part of it—say, actively going out and purchasing the item—as a woman in their life, you're expected to tell them exactly what to buy the day before the event, and then day of they drop it in your lap so you can wrap it. And you can't set boundaries without hurting the feelings of someone who doesn't deserve it. This is my villain origin story.
I would like to apologize to you on behalf of my gender that you have had to deal with and experience such terrible behavior. However, to be devil's advocate, this behavior is not exclusive to gender; I have a couple of friends' mothers and an aunt (as well as my own father) that act like this.
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When young adults come home from school they are often in need of a break. If you expect them to work at your home, establish an agreement up front and let them decide what works for them. No one, including young kids, wants to be assigned tasks.
I can maybe asking her to do the favors if she had shown up asking to live there rent free until she gets on her feet, but still "asking". Instead, OP instead invited her to stay as a guest, so all responsibilities as a member of the household becomes that of a guest, you would never ask a guest to contribute to the house.
Pull her weight this isnt a farm and its not her turn to milk the cows. She is a separate branch of your family now. When she offers you her time you take it and you dont demand that time to be running errands.
Hey Pandas, OP is a DAD. Not a mum. He is TA. So please read the story correctly. Anyway, yes Sir you are TA. Why can't you get those items delivered if it's so important that you need them now. And as for your younger daughter, couldn't she take the sweater back and exchange it for one she wants?
I don’t think anybody said OP is a mum, just that they have mothers who are similar.
Load More Replies... YTA. Try being more supportive of your daughter who is trying to earn her PhD. It's not as easy as you seem to think. You literally harassed her out of your house and saw to it she wouldn't be with her family for Christmas. And you don't realize how unbelievably WRONG you are???
She's working on a PhD, you're lucky to get those two weeks as the breaks tend to used to get more work done. Mental work is as exhausting, or more exhausting, than physical labor. It's been studied. The brain is a big chunk of the bodies energy expenditure under casual activity, and it only goes up from there. The OP obviously doesn't understand any of that, and is also coming off as a pushy and lazy AH.
Yeah, YTA!! So you say that she's just sitting on her butt on her computer doing nothing??? Like, are you SERIOUS right now??? One, your daughter is 26! Two, she's working on her PhD! Three, she's also working as a teaching assistant, which is a requirement for folks working on their post-graduate degrees!! So part of her job is grading papers, which is more than taking a red pen and marking off answers; she had to review EVERY paper with a fine tooth comb before giving the appropriate grade to each student! Plus, she has to do research on her own work, and prepare for her dissertation, and it takes a lot of time! But your harping on her timeliness and trying to rush her into doing YOUR tasks have effectively driven her away from your home, and she wants nothing to do with you! Better apologize to her quickly, or she won't be seeing you in your sunset years!
"She's not working" bruh, you ever been a graduate student? That's damn hard work.
I taught college-level English and having to grade using a computer is time consuming enough, let alone grading paper copies. A stack of 25 research essays could take me anywhere from 25-40 hours to grade and most teachers have more than one class and more than one written assignment due in a term. And, yes, grades usually are due within 24-48 hours as another commenter wrote. I'm convinced paper-grading for all those years while teaching four to five classes (three times a year, mind you) of 25 students caused me to have absolutely no social life and just about drove me mad! I took an early retirement from a career I mostly loved because of the workload. My family has said for years my whole personality changed for the better once I finally made that move.
YTA, you're a past middle-aged man-child with an entitlement attitude. How dare you pester your adult daughter when she is only in your home because you insisted she spend her 2-weeks with you? Why TF don't you take a personal day or half day off from your work to deal with your own errands? Surely, at your age, you have paid time off, or did you waste that time on your own selfish and petty wants? Take a sick day in that case, because, clearly, it would be justified by your personality disorder. Good job chasing your daughter out of your life. You better hope she at least chooses a decent nursing home for you when you get old, because that's where parents like you end up. I'll close by fumbling down! YES, YTA, 100%
NTA. Probably not popular, but whoever is paying the bills gets to call the shots. If daughter had that much "work" to do, she should have stayed home and finished it. The least she can do is run an errand for her parent.
I have been in your daughter place. Grades are due for the classes I taught, at the same time my papers are due on the classes I taught and take. I was giving finals and taking finals. I was exhausted,. You really need to apologize and realize she basically has 2 full time jobs yes she has a month off. I usually got to enjoy a week the. Had to get started on next terms syllabus, my own research and reading assignments , the lesson plans required for next terms syllabus and I still had one in high school geesh apologize and get it over with your wife is not going to forgive you for ruining a relationship with an adult daughter
Everytime I think someone can't possibly be this stupid, someone acts like this and then asks if they're the a*****e. I'm losing faith in humanity.
My husband used to try this s**t when I was off work for a day while sick, or just an day off for a break. Just because I'm home doesn't make me automatically available for chores. He doesn't try it anymore. He got the message.
I am sure most women and younger people getting their school paid by their parents would think the parent is in the wrong... The reality is the 28 year old "child", did not want to be home in the first place, clearly. If the child gave a c**p about her sister or mother she would have figured a solution and/or would have helped out... That dad is not a 100% blameless, but it's much less than 50%... My guess is the daughter wanted to be with her girlfriend in the first place and got her wish and made her dad look like the bad guy... Must be a generational thing, since even if I'm busy, if my mom or dad need help, I'll find the time... I pity the parents of those who side with the 28 year old freeloader.
I'm 41 & I pray I never get that 'all people younger than me,esp my kids, are lazy/ungrateful/entitled ' attitude. My mother constantly thinks she has the right to question how I spend my time & insinuates that it must have been doing nothing since she didn't see. It's infuriating. This guy checking her schedule, thinking he's calling her out?!? Hoo-boy, I felt a little sympathy rage for his daughter.
He's wrong. Hope he can fix it with his daughter before it's too late
Um... so you said that "she told you that she had to have her grading done by Monday but you looked it up and she has a month." You do understand that whether she has a day or a month, it's her time to do with whatever she wants, though? Also, you do realize that you're behaving exactly as you're accusing her of doing? How do you get to determine what constitutes work? So, all the time that you took to delegate YOUR errands, you could have used to run YOUR errands. You asked and she refused. She has that right. You're proceeding to yell at her about it is, well, childish.
Wow, third guy just sees his daughter as a woman who just exists to serve men. Just because she's grading papers doesn't mean she's not working or that it can be draining because it certainly can be! Run your own damned errands ffs you loser.
YTA because you ASSUME she is 'not as busy' because her work is able to be done at this moment, at home. YTA because you assume that being on a computer for hours is not tiring. It IS, mentally and also on the eyes and the body. This is like those husbands who think all the housework does itself basically and SAHM just sits all day. Also because you apparently have forgotten she is working towards her PhD which I imagine is tiring, stressful and mentally challenging.
YTA. It's very apparent that you do not understand or respect her or her work. I hope you continue to have good health bc if you don't, you will have to go to a nursing home when you're old & sick. You would drive her insane if she had to keep you.
This is one of those moments that when you have to ask if your an AH, you are the AH. This father didn't ask, he told her to do those things and when he wanted them done too. It's not his daughter's job to get up and run his errands for him. She said she would do it, but on her time. If you want something done right away, do it yourself. Add of to the fact that he thinks sitting on a computer working is hard work. Ridiculous.
Typical, entitled parent. Brings kids into this world with the sole purpose of making them their maids/chefs/flunkies. They literally stand around and tap their foot, expecting the non-android to obey on command, then treat it as a violation of some non-existent prime directive if they say no. What a sad, little man OP must be. The best is yet to come. At every holiday, he'll be forced to look at the empty chair at the table, while hearing that his friends' kids are home to visit with the parents. He will never have the honor of seeing his daughter receive her PhD. and celebrating with her. He'll find out through the grapevine that she's getting married; I'll bet THAT will sting something fierce. OP is burning so many bridges, he'll need a fireproof suit. As my dad used to say, the best lesson is a bought one. OP will pay dearly for his.
Many years ago I had a construction worker acquaintance claim that because I worked on a computer all day long (I worked for a tier 1 ISP) that my job wasn't a real job. Yeah. He was an idiot.
28 I already stopped speaking to my parents. I'm over 30 and they're still shocked I don't do as they say. In fact I blocked them where I could. Threats like "pray to god I don't find you because I'll unalive you," which is not outlandish for them, still do not have any effect. In their defense I still did as they asked when I was 23 even when I knew they didn't deserve it, so I guess they expected this type of service until the end of time.
Nah she the a*****e, f**k that. It's for Christmas wat a self centered clown.
This is simple. She's 28 and in grad school. I dont care if the father is ignorant, demanding or all of the above. If she is 28. She doesn't have to stay there. She can find her own place and do her own work. If her job is that demanding than she should have enough money to have her own place. This whole thing is silly to me. We want to get mad or control other peoples behavior or opinions when we aren't in a place to. These parents DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR ADULT CHILDREN! I'm 40. I had to pay fr my own college. I left home 2 weeks after graduation because my parents had demands that i wasn't willing to meet. They didn't owe me anything. And you know what. Im in the trades. I have a career and i run my own side business. Im not mentally broken. Im not scarred. Some of yall lack the lesson of learning to appreciate people who "choose" to do things for you. If the father asked her for something. You make time. Regardless. Thats called being a adult. Not a 28 year old c
I have a family member that got her PhD and has worked her way to being a professor and researcher at a very prestige university. PhD students act as FT adjunct professors helping in research, grant- writing and may even teach undergrad courses for a professor. It's an unpaid grind to get a recommendation from the department. It's a male trait to believe one's time is more valuable than a woman's I love my husband even though he suffers from this "disorder". Lol. He'll ask me to make a special trip to the bank that requires an hour of my time, using gasoline and generally breaking up my time when it's on his way home and requires 15 min. Yes, he works mostly FT and I'm a SAHM, but it makes sense to suck it up for brownie points. Another peeve it me making every important phone call when he could easily do that while driving. Don't get me started about the fact he doesn't fill out paperwork. Lol.
Why not walk? depending on the distance to the bank.
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I'd venture to guess that everyone calling the dad TA is in their youth and can easily see from the daughters pov which is valid. I can too. But I also know people like the daughter. They can be takers and honestly a little lazy. Any request of them is an assault on their autonomy and subject to an overreaction in the form of regressing from the relationship in the name of boundaries. Especially if they have a propensity to think of themselves as victims. Yes, the dad could have been cooler. His checking her schedule was way over the line. And yes, she is an adult now. I'm just saying, I can see a path where the dad's assertions aren't completely unfounded. I can also see why people are saying the dad's TA. There needs to be mutual respect. Not just for the daughter. None of us know these people or the whole situation. Including me.
She is hardly a "taker" for refusing to be daddy's errand girl during a visit
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While dad definitely sounds demanding, but also being the parent of a graduate student, who was home doing freelance work during the holidays. I noticed a very self absorbed attitude," I only have time for what I have to do," coming from progeny as well this holiday. Granted I wasnt asking for trips to the store, but I can understand the dad's frustration when parents are getting no assistance in the home as if the child was a rent paying roommate.
You normally make guests do things for you? Cause an adult child who lives elsewhere is a guest.
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I feel that he's wrong but he's kinda has a valid argument but the daughters situation contained more precious time because I just spent 6 yrs towards a bachelor's degree and just cause it's Christmas doesn't mean college kids get off easy. Dec for me was the very end of the school year. We only got off 2 if the last week's in Dec. If we had 2 or 3 classes that term we had exams so up until we got out 2 or 3 weeks were spent studying and doing final project in design school it's more than a 20 ? Test. It's putting a presentation usually digital compiling research dealing w device issues copy down your reference info it's bad if you don't etc so my question is why couldn't he be more sympathetic over her education and spend time w her since she probably doesn't come home very often and probably won't be back! He's also needs to know that even if he got the same degree thirty years ago that technology COVID prices homeland security etc now requires more to get that same degree wake
As a person with a PhD i assure you the workload for a BA and a PhD are light years apart. and it sounds like she is a TA too
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He is disrespecting her and her work and asks to be treated like authority. And she isn't even disrespecting him, she still said she would do it, just when she has the time.
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I don't think you can free lodge at your parents, for two weeks over holidays. Tragic way of thinking. She didn't say no, she said like you dad I am busy working today and will do it, tomorrow. OP is just fobbing his own responsibility off to someone else and having a tantrum when he doesn't get precisely his own way. He tried to put his foot down, but just came off as impotent. I'd be off too TBH. OP is a d***.
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She doesn't live there. From the post it's clear she is visiting for the holidays during winter break. And while she's visiting she has work to do. She's trying to do both, but for her father, as she is under his roof (as a guest), she needs to put her weight in the household. Something that she's willing to do, as long as she can organize everything around her working schedule. But for her father that isn't enough. She has to do it his way, or she can stay elsewhere, cutting short her visit. And this is exactly what she did. She left for her girlfriend's house, to not have to put up with her father entitlement (Edit: typo)
Load More Replies... She WAS willing to do them, when she had time. She was not willing to drop her work and do it then and there. If someone asks you to exchange something at a shop would you take time off work to do it for them, or would you do it when you had finished?
Load More Replies... Do you really need to ask if yta? Your adult daughter does not owe you her time. She comes home and you treat her like a child. Good luck maintaining a relationship with her. Grad work is hard and even if she has 30 minutes to spare, you should not expect her to fill it with your errands.
Yeah, I wonder about some of these. You'd think as you were writing this out that you'd realize what you're saying. But, I also look back on my own life and realize, hey that thing I was really upset about, and felt that I had been wronged. Actually, I was TA. This kind of self reflection doesn't come naturally. It helps to have a good therapist that can call you on your own s**t. It also helps to recognize, I can be a good person, and still make mistakes as a father and husband. But maybe I can learn from these, and be a better partner for my wife, and model for my kids. I want my kids to still want to spend time with me when they're adults after all. Hopefully this guy learns too.
Load More Replies... The thing that jumped out at me was "I told her..." - really, not asking but telling?
Read it and weep Dan. I can't speak for everyone, but as a man, you're 1950's, 'Women are second class citizens', viewpoint shows you're not a man, since real men don't think like that. If you are married I feel sorry for the poor girl you most likely had to buy to be with you, cause I doubt anyone can love someone who thinks like that. You need a reality check grandpa. Women aren't second class citizens, nor are they objects or whatever sexist b******t you believe. That line of thinking died out a long time ago and should stay dead. People like you need to go outside, walk up to the nearest tree and beg its forgiveness for wasting the oxygen it provides you with.
Load More Replies... Grad school is time consuming and exhausting!!! You do more work outside the classroom than in it, A LOT more work. And she is working too! I sympathize with the daughter. Yes, a lot is sitting at a computer, but you can be mentally drained too which can lead to being physically tired. My work now is not physically taxing but, boy oh boy, it is emotionally draining at times. All that said, these are favors/requests and not demands. He needs to show her more respect as an adult. It sounds like she was willing to help, she just couldn’t drop everything and do it that second. I hope they find a middle ground and he learns something from this AITA so they can have a relationship.
Going for a Masters alone was hard work (couldn't afford to get PhD). A doctorate is so much harder. Dad should be proud of her and not treat her as an errand girl.
Load More Replies... I've read the whole thing on Reddit and he's complaining that she's already lying to him to get him of her back. But in his comments it's clear that he just doesn't see what she's doing as valid. He's convinced her work isn't really work or exhausting because he has a hard labour job and never experienced the exhaust of work that might not be demanding physically but needs concentration over a long period of time. He doesn't understand that if you do something like grading or learning or writing a text you can't just stop right in the middle and get back to it like you could with lots of manual labour. He doesn't understand that you'll have to concentrate and go on until it's done sometimes just like you have to when you for example use glue or are cooking and can't just let stuff sit there and dry out or get burned. That's why he also doesn't accept the judgement. I started in blue collar jobs and then changed career to working white collar. Both is real work. Both is exhausting.
Same, I switched. There are some ignorant folk in white or blue that think the opposite is not real hard work. Its straight up prejudice. He hasn't even attempted to understand her work. BUT, he says he's going to the office....
Load More Replies... I love how r/Aita is always "Somebody ran me over, AITA?" Or "I ran over someone and it was clearly their fault cause the world revolves around me" and sometimes the rare clickbait title that makes it sound like they'd be TA but after reading the whole thing, it's nothing like that.
And for example, this dude is clearly the a-hole but is somehow completely blind to it.
Load More Replies... This is such disgusting behavior from this father. He has belittled, demeaned, and made light of her work at every turn. Trying to call her a liar about her need to complete it. Being demanding and oppositional to every task he told her to do. Her willingness to help wasn't enough for him. He acts like working from a computer is the same as playing games on it and doesn't take her seriously at all. On top of being exhausted from school, trying to get her work done for work, and complete her personal needs, his added stress was likely weighing on her heavily. His narrative has been the only one to matter. He sounds like he has some narcissistic tendencies to me. The poor woman sounds like she's been on the defense since she got there with him questioning and checking her calendar behind her. I'd be ready to chew my arm off to get away from him. I hope he learns a lesson but he's 54 years old, he may be set in his ways. I hope she can relax at her friend's house. He's a giant âsshole!
Especially when he said “I told her she needed to run to the store” ! That’s the language he is using without thinking about it, of course he’s an a**e.
Load More Replies... More "it doesn't look hard to me, ergo it must be easy", on top of, "since you can set your own hours, why don't you set them to prioritize MEeeeeee!?!?" Because even jobs where you can still set your hours have deadlines. She doesn't need to justify her work ethic, schedule, or choices on how best to tackle her workload. NONE of that is up for debate.
If she was his wife and was lazying around, I would get it, but it's his daughter. Who cares, even if she was lazying around, hmm maybe because he works so hard and is jealous? Weird.
Load More Replies... If she had not come home for the holiday that sweater would still need to be exchanged and that order would still need to be collected. It's not as if she wouldnt do it either but she wanted to do it when she felt free and ready to do so, not when he felt he wanted it done. If you ask anyone to do something for you, you don't make it a here and now demand, you value their time and be grateful. These were errands specific to him that he created himself and were not a part of normal household shared duties, yeah mate YTA.
But parents, particularly narcissistic parents see nothing wrong with this... This guy is tame compared to my mom... They make their kids miserable... Good for her for going to her girlfriends, he needs to learn boundaries or be lonely
Load More Replies... Mostly work from home and if I have the time I will do chores between work stuff. If anyone would demand I do chores between work I would probably not do them. 1. work is important 2. my internal schedule is important If I were to take time off midday I would have to work later. If I work past 4/5 pm my mind just is not in the game. This father is ignorant.
Multi-tasking is less efficient, anyway. Both mentally and physically. It makes more sense to do work in one block of time, and chores in another.
Load More Replies... Geezus. It's like reading something my own mom would say. Narcissistic AH
Obviously there must be something slowly cooking before hand. She didn´t want to came home for the holidays, so this whole situation with the errands were the straw that broke the camel´s back.
He's probably treated her like this her whole life- like nothing she needs/does is nearly as important as him and/or his wants. Her accomplishments (working for a PhD means she's had quite a few) had probably been devalued and minimized constantly. She most likely knew what she was getting into when she tried to decline coming home. I don't blame her at all for getting out of there the first chance she got. Now she may get a little peace and quiet to finish her work.
Load More Replies... The audacity for saying, grading is just reading and give remark on the rubric, had made me laugh. Sitting all day, in front of computer, or just reading things and grading them is not always fun. You have to think as well. She is a grown up, with her own works, her own courses, and checking her timetable is what you placed yourself as the AH.
Grading is stressful and tiring. The course of someone's future might depend on every grade you give. You've got to take it very seriously. 100 essays on the same topic start to merge. You've got to fight hard to keep things consistent and calibrated. After essay 50 its easy to be pissed off, and let that affect someone's grade. 100% not an easy job. That's coming from an academic who has spent years also working physically very demanding jobs in a high pressure environment. Marking is hard. Period.
Load More Replies... Almost everything he says is wrong. I feel OP struggles to understand life outside of his own perspective, is prejudiced about employment and types of work, and in denial about children growing up.
"constantly too busy to do things with us or help" - yes, a grown up with a life and responsibility. Two weeks is still pretty good, so quit moaning. "and told her she needed to" - try asking. She doesn't work for you. Its not her responsibility to organise your life. "I didn't feel like running out" - lazy child OP. Organise your own life. "doesn't have a long day at work" , "sitting on her a*s", yes, working whilst sitting down is still work. Idiot. Prejudiced that only his hourly rate job counts as work. She is also on vacation and still has to work. "doesn't even have scheduled work", "she can do it whenever she wants". Nope, like running a business a huge challenge is self motivation, discipline and routine. Which you have to create and enforce alone. His job is likely p**s easy in this regard. "staying in your pyjamas is hard work", the type of clothes you wear does not effect its difficulty. His job would not be harder if he wore pyjamas. "I think its ridiculous, only person on planet" - yes look in a mirror. You describe only yourself. No wonder she left.
Load More Replies... Wild guess: OP is wildly insecure about his own education and acts out by diminishing his daughter’s efforts.
I'll focus on something else since all has been said anyway, if the daughter can sit all day behind a computer, on her own time, and still support herself, and have a sustainable life, then who cares what she's doing? It's obviously working for her. Be glad she's not still living at home barely able to support herself, I guess.
He sounds like my ex, constantly harassing our kids to do things he can do himself.
I panicked for a second until I realized you said ex. Sorry you and your kids had to deal with that. xx
Load More Replies... For one thing, she's NOT a part of your household. She's a guest. That alone makes him the AH. She's guest he's making insane demands of. For another, She's working. Could her work time be flexible? Maybe. But is that good for her? Maybe not. She may have a routine, plans, promises made. It's her damn business. The overreach here is insane.
YTA. I'm in an office job - work all day on the computer, talking on the phone, helping people with their problems. At the end of the day it's all I can do to walk the dog. The last thing I want to is run someone else's errands, much less my own.
Neither does the guy or lady who is out breaking rocks in the blazing Sun all day. Been there and done that for many years. By the end of the week, most of us were practically crawling back to our vehicle to get home. That said, the father is out of line. His grown daughter is not his personal assistant. Can she help the family when she has time? Yes, but she most definitely doesn't have to ask how high when he says jump.
Load More Replies... This daughter sounds like she has amazing time management skills and self discipline. He was mad that she wouldn't let him sabotage that? *shakes head*
OP doesn’t say what he does for a living, but I bet it’s not mentally challenging. Mental — brain — hard work is just as hard and can be just as exhausting as physical work. OP clearly has no respect for his daughter or her work.
Agree. He seems to have built up some prejudice about types of work. Wrong side of the dunning kruger plot if you ask me.
Load More Replies... Why can't you do it? You're too (there's 2 o's in that) busy also? How about picking it up after work like everyone else. Why didn't you ask her to wrap it also. Better yet, get her to pay for it!
You'd think that if he didn't have time to spare running errands, he wouldn't have had time to get on her computer and find her schedules of when things are due. I'd have left without having to be told. I hope she keeps in touch with her mom and sister.
The large majority of people in this country work in front of a computer all day. If I were to leave my home to run errands during the day and my manager tries to get a hold of me, I could potentially lose my ability to work remotely. That's the reality of today's work experience.
Absolutely, positively, the OP is being an àsshole, and quite an astonishing one at that. Their daughter is 28, for Pete's sake! She is an adult VISITING for the holidays! Frankly, I hope she never speaks to his narcissistic àss ever again. You can't act surprised when you try to pull that "my house, my rules" BS with an adult and they simply choose to leave. If your errands are so important, then you do them, or you pay someone else, period. I can't even imagine treating my adult children like this, and they still live at home while completing college. These people baffle the mind...
Definitely the a**hole. Try asking if she could help you out instead of demanding she do right now. The woman is going for a PhD, you don't understand the work involved (obviously) so your just going to stomp your feet and pound your chest like the barbarian you are. You've lost your daughter. I hope it was worth it.
He’s paving the way to dying alone in a state-run nursing home. No kids or grandkids visiting. No birthday or Christmas cards and little gifts. No pictures drawn by the grandkids or great-grandkids. No phone calls or Zoom (or whatever type of communication we end up having in the future) get-togethers with family. None of it. He’ll watch other people’s families come see them. But no one for him. And absolutely ALL of it his OWN damn fault!
Load More Replies... I hope this dad enjoys spending MANY holidays and years alone, estranged from at least this daughter
Did this man take parenting advice from my dad or are they in the same shītty dad club? I give her five years before she completely stops talking to him if he doesn't change his "I am your authority figure" attitude.
So. You don't understand working about anything with computers. I get it, you're too old for that s**t and your opinions are from earlier century. I just didn't understand that the century was 1800, and you would like some personal slaves to work for you. So you have a PhD? Do you have any idea how much work that is? Have you ever wrote 6+ strsight hours with a computer? Do you know that there is some other stuff in internet and within computers than solitaire and reddit? Do you understand that a shitload off work globally is been done by people sitting their a*s in front of computer? I hate this kind of condesending and annoying way to b***h to people almost as much I hate people that are so egoistic and stupid as you are.
Yep. You can't be bothered to wrap your mother's Christmas gift, much less pick it up. Your gift to your mother. Not accepting that your daughter is working on her vacay. In fact belittling her work Knickers in a knot because a 28 year old on a holiday visit won't do chores for you on your schedule. Asking nicely and treating her like a grown up who is capable of meshing with hers. And your ultimatum? That can only be likened to stepping in muck so deep you need hip-waders. Game over! You don't offer an ultimatum until you are equally happy with either outcome and committed to face all consequences. I doubt you've lost your daughter forever. (FWIW, I am past 54, an imperfect mother of her own 28 year old - a wonderful man whose choices are not always what I would wish)
YTA - I haven’t spoken to my Mom in 6 years for the utter disrespect in situations like this. Kids don’t owe you anything but you sure owe your kids alot for choosing to bring them into this life.
It has to be a joke. Exchanging a sweater, picking up an order, seriously? That's ridiculous.
The sweater was the fathers fault that it was the wrong one. If you make a mistake, you fix it. He’s an adult. Same with the order, you order it, you pick it up.
Load More Replies... Why couldn't the sister who received the sweater exchange it? And the gall, checking her calendar. The fact that she came home at all is a surprise and may be the reason she's leaving after two weeks. You don't want to enjoy her presence, you just want her to be your personal errand girl.
YTA. Your behavior was arrogant and obnoxious She is an adult with a full life and obligations. You showed no respect. She's an adult. You owe your daughter a sincere apology.
YTA.. You never asked your daughter to run an errand -- you TOLD her to. Big difference. She's not your personal assistant. If this was a matter of simply doing some chores around the house, ASKING her to run dishwasher or throw clothes in dryer, those are things she should share in as a resident of the house. Her work is important to her, just as your work is important to you. It's just different, that's all. You need to rethink your attitude and outlook on things, dad.
But daughter is also not a resident. He said she came back for 2 weeks out of the 4 she had off, which means she has her own place likely not very close by and no longer lives with them at all. She was a guest at this point. Also made even clearer by the fact that she could pack all of her stuff up and go back to her home in a matter of minutes when she finally had enough of him.
Load More Replies... My dad works from home on the computer, is in meetings all day and comes to dinner still trying to work through his stress. He's the furthest from lazy. This guy is messed up.
My mom works from home too. She has the most stressful job ever- staffing a hospital.
Load More Replies... My issue is that if these things are "so super important", why does he leave it up to her? Isn't the saying "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself"? Also, wrapping a gift is so f*****g important that you throw away your relationship with your child? What kind of s**t family dynamics is that? Sure I wrapped my aunts' and uncles' gifts before Christmas, but they're going to get their gifts around Easter now because no one remembered to bring them for my father's birthday dinner right after Christmas. If it's so "important", why didn't you do it way sooner? Screw you and that tiny ant hill you're willing to die on.
Unfortunately far too many don't consider using your brain as work. Physical is easier for them so that's what they value.
That may be true but everyone should value the physical work as well. The house isn't building itself, the store shelves don't just magically become stocked by the press of a few buttons. The electricity doesn't flow because someone wills it with their mind. The trash would sit in front of your hovel because nobody built a house for you, you would spend time gathering water at the river because of the lack of mindless plumbers and would have to resort to hunting and gathering because there are no brain dead, rural, farmers and ranchers. Not to mention the fact that the computer would be useless without those imbecilic electricians.
Load More Replies... OP CLEARLY doesn't see academic work as work, has no concept of the sheer amount of labor that goes into his daughter's job, and seems to think that she is answerable to him. Let me enlighten you. Your daughter is puting in TWICE the work you are every day to try to accomplish something that will determine her quality of life (and bracket of income) moving forward and YOU ARE SABOTAGING HER!!!!! Also, you waiting to handle Christmas presents til LAST MINUTE doesn't make this an emergency and she is in no way obligated to set aside her career, her future, and the precious little time she has to eat, sleep, groom, and attend to her own mental and physical health needs to handle YOUR screwups/errands. If I were your kid I'd be cutting contact with you. Good GODS you're the AH. And this is coming from someone who goes back and forth b/w working in academia+working a physical labor hourly job.Evenpulling doubles w/ hourly I don't even APPROACH the amount of work I put in to my academic job.
Oh where do I start. My father was ninety when he passed. When I would visit he would never tell me to drop what I was doing and be his servant. He would ask me to go with him when he went grocery shopping. He would ask me to pick things up if I was already out but he never ordered me to do it. Yta
Whenever I ordered online, I always had it delivered to my office. I put it in my car on my lunch hr then go home. Why didn't he have this package delivered to his office? Why couldn't he bring the sweater to work and exchange it on his way home? I spent my 2 week vacation at my dad's house and he did not ask me to do anything. I did dishes, laundry, yard work because i WANTED to. Before going back to school, I gave him money for food and the phone bill but he gave it back. I miss my dad
The truly ironic part is I bet he just barely holds back calling her lazy too, not realizing that too is a mirror he's looking in. Good on her for going literally anywhere else that has a better environment to better herself and her future in. Clearly, she can't do those things when her dad is around. Makes you wonder how bad the childhood was.
Straight up YTA. You could so tell this dumbass never got past highschool and had to work warehouse type jobs. Girl is working on her doctorate not playing Minecraft. So he's getting mad that his super focused daughter is hammering away at her doctorate and won't drop everything when he snaps his fingers to do things he totally can do but doesn't "feel" like doing it. I mean she only there 2 weeks. Was AH always planning on using her to run errands for him? And I'm guessing the mother is either dead or divorced the father for being an AH?
OP did say that his wife and younger daughter were furious with him for driving her away, so her mom is still there and was likely the reason she came home at all. How much longer mom and other daughter stay now is debatable if he doesnt fix this.
Load More Replies... Wow. This one is so off the mark. When I was in grad school, I was paid to work 20 hours a week as a TA, but I easily worked 30-35 hours most weeks. This was in addition to my full load of courses that I was taking, each of which required that I write a 20+ page paper for the end of the semester. So, she was probably doing her course work in addition to grading papers and exams.
As a retired teacher, I am without words to describe your reaction to your daughter. Just because your daughter is not punching a clock at a stand alone building she is working (very hard) just the same! YES, you are TAH!!! The hours it takes to grade papers on a computer and make corrections take seriously MORE TIME than red lettering by hand on papers. It is obvious that this problem started with a lack of understanding this educational process and that she was working over her break confirms how she is giving up her time off to work. Your errand was not just a one time request but at least twice in your article, maybe more? Teacher correction here: When you use the word "to" and it means "also" it is written "too.". You has several errors in you whinny article.
Yeah the grammar pissed me off because he's being so annoying about how school isn't hard work when it's clear he didn't attend and has no idea how much work she's actually doing. Infuriating.
Load More Replies... 💯 the AH. Basically asking his child a favor and DEMANDS it be done on his timeliness with NO respect whatsoever for the child's needs. Hupocrite!
I have relatives like that. Haven't seen em in 30 years. Thanks for the reminder why I wanted nothing to do with em.
I hope that the younger daughter knows all the facts or learns them. Wouldn't be surprised if both daughters go no contact. Mom would likely not understand why though.
The lack of respect for her work is infuriating. School is NOT easy, and she's getting her PHD. Are you kidding me right now? She has a ton of s**t to do and she doesn't need you hounding her about doing YOUR chores. This is maddening. You're acting like her work isn't important or difficult, which it is.
Men kill me. YOU have shopping errands to do right before Christmas, but you're demanding the nearest person with a vagina does it for you. I know that's hardly the biggest problem here, but I have never met any man in my whole life who thought gift giving was his job. "Oh, my wife will do it. My daughter will do it. My sister will do it." Even if they do one part of it—say, actively going out and purchasing the item—as a woman in their life, you're expected to tell them exactly what to buy the day before the event, and then day of they drop it in your lap so you can wrap it. And you can't set boundaries without hurting the feelings of someone who doesn't deserve it. This is my villain origin story.
I would like to apologize to you on behalf of my gender that you have had to deal with and experience such terrible behavior. However, to be devil's advocate, this behavior is not exclusive to gender; I have a couple of friends' mothers and an aunt (as well as my own father) that act like this.
Load More Replies... When young adults come home from school they are often in need of a break. If you expect them to work at your home, establish an agreement up front and let them decide what works for them. No one, including young kids, wants to be assigned tasks.
I can maybe asking her to do the favors if she had shown up asking to live there rent free until she gets on her feet, but still "asking". Instead, OP instead invited her to stay as a guest, so all responsibilities as a member of the household becomes that of a guest, you would never ask a guest to contribute to the house.
Pull her weight this isnt a farm and its not her turn to milk the cows. She is a separate branch of your family now. When she offers you her time you take it and you dont demand that time to be running errands.
Hey Pandas, OP is a DAD. Not a mum. He is TA. So please read the story correctly. Anyway, yes Sir you are TA. Why can't you get those items delivered if it's so important that you need them now. And as for your younger daughter, couldn't she take the sweater back and exchange it for one she wants?
I don’t think anybody said OP is a mum, just that they have mothers who are similar.
Load More Replies... YTA. Try being more supportive of your daughter who is trying to earn her PhD. It's not as easy as you seem to think. You literally harassed her out of your house and saw to it she wouldn't be with her family for Christmas. And you don't realize how unbelievably WRONG you are???
She's working on a PhD, you're lucky to get those two weeks as the breaks tend to used to get more work done. Mental work is as exhausting, or more exhausting, than physical labor. It's been studied. The brain is a big chunk of the bodies energy expenditure under casual activity, and it only goes up from there. The OP obviously doesn't understand any of that, and is also coming off as a pushy and lazy AH.
Yeah, YTA!! So you say that she's just sitting on her butt on her computer doing nothing??? Like, are you SERIOUS right now??? One, your daughter is 26! Two, she's working on her PhD! Three, she's also working as a teaching assistant, which is a requirement for folks working on their post-graduate degrees!! So part of her job is grading papers, which is more than taking a red pen and marking off answers; she had to review EVERY paper with a fine tooth comb before giving the appropriate grade to each student! Plus, she has to do research on her own work, and prepare for her dissertation, and it takes a lot of time! But your harping on her timeliness and trying to rush her into doing YOUR tasks have effectively driven her away from your home, and she wants nothing to do with you! Better apologize to her quickly, or she won't be seeing you in your sunset years!
"She's not working" bruh, you ever been a graduate student? That's damn hard work.
I taught college-level English and having to grade using a computer is time consuming enough, let alone grading paper copies. A stack of 25 research essays could take me anywhere from 25-40 hours to grade and most teachers have more than one class and more than one written assignment due in a term. And, yes, grades usually are due within 24-48 hours as another commenter wrote. I'm convinced paper-grading for all those years while teaching four to five classes (three times a year, mind you) of 25 students caused me to have absolutely no social life and just about drove me mad! I took an early retirement from a career I mostly loved because of the workload. My family has said for years my whole personality changed for the better once I finally made that move.
YTA, you're a past middle-aged man-child with an entitlement attitude. How dare you pester your adult daughter when she is only in your home because you insisted she spend her 2-weeks with you? Why TF don't you take a personal day or half day off from your work to deal with your own errands? Surely, at your age, you have paid time off, or did you waste that time on your own selfish and petty wants? Take a sick day in that case, because, clearly, it would be justified by your personality disorder. Good job chasing your daughter out of your life. You better hope she at least chooses a decent nursing home for you when you get old, because that's where parents like you end up. I'll close by fumbling down! YES, YTA, 100%
NTA. Probably not popular, but whoever is paying the bills gets to call the shots. If daughter had that much "work" to do, she should have stayed home and finished it. The least she can do is run an errand for her parent.
I have been in your daughter place. Grades are due for the classes I taught, at the same time my papers are due on the classes I taught and take. I was giving finals and taking finals. I was exhausted,. You really need to apologize and realize she basically has 2 full time jobs yes she has a month off. I usually got to enjoy a week the. Had to get started on next terms syllabus, my own research and reading assignments , the lesson plans required for next terms syllabus and I still had one in high school geesh apologize and get it over with your wife is not going to forgive you for ruining a relationship with an adult daughter
Everytime I think someone can't possibly be this stupid, someone acts like this and then asks if they're the a*****e. I'm losing faith in humanity.
My husband used to try this s**t when I was off work for a day while sick, or just an day off for a break. Just because I'm home doesn't make me automatically available for chores. He doesn't try it anymore. He got the message.
I am sure most women and younger people getting their school paid by their parents would think the parent is in the wrong... The reality is the 28 year old "child", did not want to be home in the first place, clearly. If the child gave a c**p about her sister or mother she would have figured a solution and/or would have helped out... That dad is not a 100% blameless, but it's much less than 50%... My guess is the daughter wanted to be with her girlfriend in the first place and got her wish and made her dad look like the bad guy... Must be a generational thing, since even if I'm busy, if my mom or dad need help, I'll find the time... I pity the parents of those who side with the 28 year old freeloader.
I'm 41 & I pray I never get that 'all people younger than me,esp my kids, are lazy/ungrateful/entitled ' attitude. My mother constantly thinks she has the right to question how I spend my time & insinuates that it must have been doing nothing since she didn't see. It's infuriating. This guy checking her schedule, thinking he's calling her out?!? Hoo-boy, I felt a little sympathy rage for his daughter.
He's wrong. Hope he can fix it with his daughter before it's too late
Um... so you said that "she told you that she had to have her grading done by Monday but you looked it up and she has a month." You do understand that whether she has a day or a month, it's her time to do with whatever she wants, though? Also, you do realize that you're behaving exactly as you're accusing her of doing? How do you get to determine what constitutes work? So, all the time that you took to delegate YOUR errands, you could have used to run YOUR errands. You asked and she refused. She has that right. You're proceeding to yell at her about it is, well, childish.
Wow, third guy just sees his daughter as a woman who just exists to serve men. Just because she's grading papers doesn't mean she's not working or that it can be draining because it certainly can be! Run your own damned errands ffs you loser.
YTA because you ASSUME she is 'not as busy' because her work is able to be done at this moment, at home. YTA because you assume that being on a computer for hours is not tiring. It IS, mentally and also on the eyes and the body. This is like those husbands who think all the housework does itself basically and SAHM just sits all day. Also because you apparently have forgotten she is working towards her PhD which I imagine is tiring, stressful and mentally challenging.
YTA. It's very apparent that you do not understand or respect her or her work. I hope you continue to have good health bc if you don't, you will have to go to a nursing home when you're old & sick. You would drive her insane if she had to keep you.
This is one of those moments that when you have to ask if your an AH, you are the AH. This father didn't ask, he told her to do those things and when he wanted them done too. It's not his daughter's job to get up and run his errands for him. She said she would do it, but on her time. If you want something done right away, do it yourself. Add of to the fact that he thinks sitting on a computer working is hard work. Ridiculous.
Typical, entitled parent. Brings kids into this world with the sole purpose of making them their maids/chefs/flunkies. They literally stand around and tap their foot, expecting the non-android to obey on command, then treat it as a violation of some non-existent prime directive if they say no. What a sad, little man OP must be. The best is yet to come. At every holiday, he'll be forced to look at the empty chair at the table, while hearing that his friends' kids are home to visit with the parents. He will never have the honor of seeing his daughter receive her PhD. and celebrating with her. He'll find out through the grapevine that she's getting married; I'll bet THAT will sting something fierce. OP is burning so many bridges, he'll need a fireproof suit. As my dad used to say, the best lesson is a bought one. OP will pay dearly for his.
Many years ago I had a construction worker acquaintance claim that because I worked on a computer all day long (I worked for a tier 1 ISP) that my job wasn't a real job. Yeah. He was an idiot.
28 I already stopped speaking to my parents. I'm over 30 and they're still shocked I don't do as they say. In fact I blocked them where I could. Threats like "pray to god I don't find you because I'll unalive you," which is not outlandish for them, still do not have any effect. In their defense I still did as they asked when I was 23 even when I knew they didn't deserve it, so I guess they expected this type of service until the end of time.
Nah she the a*****e, f**k that. It's for Christmas wat a self centered clown.
This is simple. She's 28 and in grad school. I dont care if the father is ignorant, demanding or all of the above. If she is 28. She doesn't have to stay there. She can find her own place and do her own work. If her job is that demanding than she should have enough money to have her own place. This whole thing is silly to me. We want to get mad or control other peoples behavior or opinions when we aren't in a place to. These parents DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR ADULT CHILDREN! I'm 40. I had to pay fr my own college. I left home 2 weeks after graduation because my parents had demands that i wasn't willing to meet. They didn't owe me anything. And you know what. Im in the trades. I have a career and i run my own side business. Im not mentally broken. Im not scarred. Some of yall lack the lesson of learning to appreciate people who "choose" to do things for you. If the father asked her for something. You make time. Regardless. Thats called being a adult. Not a 28 year old c
I have a family member that got her PhD and has worked her way to being a professor and researcher at a very prestige university. PhD students act as FT adjunct professors helping in research, grant- writing and may even teach undergrad courses for a professor. It's an unpaid grind to get a recommendation from the department. It's a male trait to believe one's time is more valuable than a woman's I love my husband even though he suffers from this "disorder". Lol. He'll ask me to make a special trip to the bank that requires an hour of my time, using gasoline and generally breaking up my time when it's on his way home and requires 15 min. Yes, he works mostly FT and I'm a SAHM, but it makes sense to suck it up for brownie points. Another peeve it me making every important phone call when he could easily do that while driving. Don't get me started about the fact he doesn't fill out paperwork. Lol.
Why not walk? depending on the distance to the bank.
Load More Replies... I'd venture to guess that everyone calling the dad TA is in their youth and can easily see from the daughters pov which is valid. I can too. But I also know people like the daughter. They can be takers and honestly a little lazy. Any request of them is an assault on their autonomy and subject to an overreaction in the form of regressing from the relationship in the name of boundaries. Especially if they have a propensity to think of themselves as victims. Yes, the dad could have been cooler. His checking her schedule was way over the line. And yes, she is an adult now. I'm just saying, I can see a path where the dad's assertions aren't completely unfounded. I can also see why people are saying the dad's TA. There needs to be mutual respect. Not just for the daughter. None of us know these people or the whole situation. Including me.
She is hardly a "taker" for refusing to be daddy's errand girl during a visit
Load More Replies... While dad definitely sounds demanding, but also being the parent of a graduate student, who was home doing freelance work during the holidays. I noticed a very self absorbed attitude," I only have time for what I have to do," coming from progeny as well this holiday. Granted I wasnt asking for trips to the store, but I can understand the dad's frustration when parents are getting no assistance in the home as if the child was a rent paying roommate.
You normally make guests do things for you? Cause an adult child who lives elsewhere is a guest.
Load More Replies... I feel that he's wrong but he's kinda has a valid argument but the daughters situation contained more precious time because I just spent 6 yrs towards a bachelor's degree and just cause it's Christmas doesn't mean college kids get off easy. Dec for me was the very end of the school year. We only got off 2 if the last week's in Dec. If we had 2 or 3 classes that term we had exams so up until we got out 2 or 3 weeks were spent studying and doing final project in design school it's more than a 20 ? Test. It's putting a presentation usually digital compiling research dealing w device issues copy down your reference info it's bad if you don't etc so my question is why couldn't he be more sympathetic over her education and spend time w her since she probably doesn't come home very often and probably won't be back! He's also needs to know that even if he got the same degree thirty years ago that technology COVID prices homeland security etc now requires more to get that same degree wake
As a person with a PhD i assure you the workload for a BA and a PhD are light years apart. and it sounds like she is a TA too
Load More Replies... He is disrespecting her and her work and asks to be treated like authority. And she isn't even disrespecting him, she still said she would do it, just when she has the time.
Load More Replies... I don't think you can free lodge at your parents, for two weeks over holidays. Tragic way of thinking. She didn't say no, she said like you dad I am busy working today and will do it, tomorrow. OP is just fobbing his own responsibility off to someone else and having a tantrum when he doesn't get precisely his own way. He tried to put his foot down, but just came off as impotent. I'd be off too TBH. OP is a d***.
Load More Replies... She doesn't live there. From the post it's clear she is visiting for the holidays during winter break. And while she's visiting she has work to do. She's trying to do both, but for her father, as she is under his roof (as a guest), she needs to put her weight in the household. Something that she's willing to do, as long as she can organize everything around her working schedule. But for her father that isn't enough. She has to do it his way, or she can stay elsewhere, cutting short her visit. And this is exactly what she did. She left for her girlfriend's house, to not have to put up with her father entitlement (Edit: typo)
Load More Replies... She WAS willing to do them, when she had time. She was not willing to drop her work and do it then and there. If someone asks you to exchange something at a shop would you take time off work to do it for them, or would you do it when you had finished?
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