Single Father Cuts Off 7-Year-Old Daughter’s Hair Because She Doesn’t ‘Maintain It’, Asks The Internet If He Did Something Wrong Interview
Parenthood is no walk in the park. That is particularly true if you’re a single parent. There are so many parenting books on how to be a perfect dad or mom but in reality: no guide can really prepare you for the complicated reality of being a parent. Therefore, you want only what’s best for them but somehow things get out of hand and you’re left with an offspring whose trust you downplayed.
As in the case of u/Imnotyourbuddytool, who struggled to maintain his seven-year-old daughter’s hair. Being a proud long-hair owner himself, he thought he knew better about how others, including his daughter, should treat their precious hair. And so he took things into his own hands.
To see whether the reaction he received from his loved ones would match the opinions of virtual parents online, this dad sought wisdom and perspective from the r/parenting community.
Annoyed with the way his daughter treated her hair, a single father took the situation into his own hands
Image credits: Tamara Bellis (not the actual photo)
“Even though what happened to us in childhood shows up in our parenting, this doesn’t mean we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our parents,” Lisa Firestone, clinical psychologist, writes in her blog post on how to ‘break the cycle.’ Indeed. Although many parents won’t dare to admit it, studies show that one of the important factors that help to explain our overall parenting performance — the good, the bad, and the ugly — lies in our own childhood. If you were shouted at when you misbehaved or did not listen, chances are that your parenting style might incorporate an occasional raised voice as well.
Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and the author of ‘What’s My Child Thinking?’, told Bored Panda that parents often forget to think about a child’s needs too. “What we [parents] tend to do is not think about the timing of when we’re asking,” Moore explained. They can be in the middle of a Fortnite match or a phone call with their friends, but when we want our offspring to do something for us — there’s usually no negotiation. And if there’s complete radio silence on their end, shouting should get their attention, right? Well, not exactly.
“We like to say, ‘Do it now.’ And that’s likely going to trigger what we call reactance, which is that ‘you can’t make me’ feeling we all have,” Moore said. Besides finding a better time to get your child’s attention, she also recommends including your kid in the dialogue and doing it in a respective way. “Fundamentally, our job as parents is to teach kids how to be in a relationship saying, ‘Please be part of this.'” And that, unfortunately, means no shouting across the room (“the most ineffective parenting technique,” according to Moore).
Unsure whether he did the right thing, this dad turned to the internet to see what other parents had to say about it
Image credits: Imnotyourbuddytool
Robert Taibbi, a licensed clinical social worker and the author of ‘Doing Family Therapy: Craft and Creativity in Clinical Practice’, explains that kids “learn to ignore you until you reach a certain frustration level.” Or as Eileen puts it — it’s their job to see what they can get away with.
“Kids learn to only get attention when misbehaving,” Taibbi told Bored Panda. What Robert suggests is using a method he likes to call ‘better to use carrots than sticks.’ That means praise and rewards for good behavior and raised voice, consequences for bad ones.
Still, both experts have a different approach when it comes to imposing consequences. Robert believes they’re equally important as kind words. “Map out consequences in advance so you’re not thinking on your feet when frustrated. Didn’t finish up the bedtime routine quick enough — not enough time to read books. Imposed consequences for not listening? Less game time or an earlier bedtime,” he suggested. Of course, all in accordance with your partner’s thinking.
Eileen, on the other hand, believes parents can do away with consequences as there are better ways to make kids listen. “Children don’t really learn from suffering. They learn from doing something right,” she said. “So consequences, after they’ve done something wrong, is a really weak way to control behavior.” According to Eileen, it’s almost always better to treat consequences as a positive thing — letting them know that they can get our attention not only by ignoring us.
“What I would do is say, ‘You have a choice and this will happen or you can choose to do B and this will happen.’ Emphasize the child’s ability to make choices and impact their world,” Moore pointed out. “So you help them stop and think about what they wanna do.”
Other parents didn’t seem to agree with the author’s thinking
In the end, the father thanked everyone for the feedback and explained what he had learned in the last couple of days
Image credits: Imnotyourbuddytool
People are harsh. Dad did good. Hair isn't some magical thing that defines a girl, plus it grows back. She didn't do enough to manage it when it was super long, now it is a reasonable length.
Hair can be an integral part of someone's identity. Did did not do well.
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Well the truth is he really didn't need to do this. He could have helped her brush it more. She's very little. I think people forget that punishment only rewards the punisher.
7 isn't too little to brush your own hair, and if her hair was so long that she struggled with basic maintenance, then it needed to be shorter anyway.
The point is that the dad just reacted under emotion instead of staying calm and assertive. You both aren't right nor wrong. As a teen, a girl, and a human living under society's beauty expectations, let me say that my hair is something that I hate doing anything more to than a trim. If someone cut my hair against my will, I would be very self conscious for a while and definitely be upset about it. Either way, I want to let you know that hair doesn't define a girl in the way you say, of course, but it is part of many people's identities and can be at least somewhat important to them. It is true the girl should have tried managing it, and the dad did more than enough to try to get her to do just that, but in the end, the reason why the father took action was the wrong part. Also, children develop differently. 7 is probably an age where most children brush their hair, but some might still not. It's probably for the best that it ended up shorter, though
No he didn't react base on emotion, he told her during the last month that they were going to get the hair cut, even took her to a salon but it was overbooked and he did it at home ,and she grab the scissors for him to do it ,didn't you read the update on the end ? He is a good dad ,there is a moment we're enough is enough, and she was upset because she realized it was concecuenses to behavior, better to learn that at early age with thing that don't really hurt ot leave any Damage, hair grows back. And here the ashole are the aunt and grandmother for no backing up dads action ,firts they are family women why not to encourage her to take care of her hair ,maybe a feminine aproach was needed. Second the father was the one dealing with the hair issue every day 2 a day , He seems like a good father to me , A shitty father is the one that says whatever and lett this thing going on ,today is hair tomorrow is something else .I was a rebel tenn I wish someone had set boundaries and concecuens
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He didn't do good cutting her hair as a punishment in the heat of the moment.
If you read the follow up he did not do that
It wasn't punishment. It was a long-overdue haircut.
Some of the replies are ridiculous. She been told on more than a few occasions to look after it. No wonder kids do what the hell they want with some of these over reactions. 7 is old enough to understand simple instructions. He did right
Yes, the internet's reactions are always extreme: "divorce!" "abuse!" "doom!" No subtleties considered. I don't know why people go to the internet for advice. (yes, irony noted.)
Replying to Martha because she's been down voted into oblivion - 7 is not too young to brush your hair. I know because I was in charge of brushing my hair starting at 4 or 5. Like the daughter in this story, I didn't brush it and it was cut off after repeated warnings. After that I brushed my hair twice a day, even when I didn't feel like it. So I know a 7 year old can brush her hair every day. I mean, by 7 I was doing my own laundry, cooking for myself (nothing more complicated than eggs), and doing basic household chores like washing dishes and polishing silverware. A hundred years ago 7 yr olds were frequently put to work in coal mines and stuff. 7 is not too young to brush hair.
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A seven year old isn't all that capable yet of taking care of such things on their own.
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Nope. Sorry. Another punishment would have been better. Even better, let her go to school with her hair looking awful. Once she got some flack from her peers, she would have done better.
This is worse. Besides shame often doesn't work
I think he was right to cut it, just maybe not in the heat of the moment. I've always had long hair and have taken care of it since I was in kindergarten. She's old enough to be brushing her own hair and to understand why it's important.
He didn't cut it heat of the moment, as was made clear in his edit at the end.
Yeah, I've always had long hair, and it was already my job to brush it before I started kindergarten. Mom would help us pull it back into a ponytail or a french braid or whatever, but we showed up with it already brushed.
People are harsh. Dad did good. Hair isn't some magical thing that defines a girl, plus it grows back. She didn't do enough to manage it when it was super long, now it is a reasonable length.
Hair can be an integral part of someone's identity. Did did not do well.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Well the truth is he really didn't need to do this. He could have helped her brush it more. She's very little. I think people forget that punishment only rewards the punisher.
7 isn't too little to brush your own hair, and if her hair was so long that she struggled with basic maintenance, then it needed to be shorter anyway.
The point is that the dad just reacted under emotion instead of staying calm and assertive. You both aren't right nor wrong. As a teen, a girl, and a human living under society's beauty expectations, let me say that my hair is something that I hate doing anything more to than a trim. If someone cut my hair against my will, I would be very self conscious for a while and definitely be upset about it. Either way, I want to let you know that hair doesn't define a girl in the way you say, of course, but it is part of many people's identities and can be at least somewhat important to them. It is true the girl should have tried managing it, and the dad did more than enough to try to get her to do just that, but in the end, the reason why the father took action was the wrong part. Also, children develop differently. 7 is probably an age where most children brush their hair, but some might still not. It's probably for the best that it ended up shorter, though
No he didn't react base on emotion, he told her during the last month that they were going to get the hair cut, even took her to a salon but it was overbooked and he did it at home ,and she grab the scissors for him to do it ,didn't you read the update on the end ? He is a good dad ,there is a moment we're enough is enough, and she was upset because she realized it was concecuenses to behavior, better to learn that at early age with thing that don't really hurt ot leave any Damage, hair grows back. And here the ashole are the aunt and grandmother for no backing up dads action ,firts they are family women why not to encourage her to take care of her hair ,maybe a feminine aproach was needed. Second the father was the one dealing with the hair issue every day 2 a day , He seems like a good father to me , A shitty father is the one that says whatever and lett this thing going on ,today is hair tomorrow is something else .I was a rebel tenn I wish someone had set boundaries and concecuens
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
He didn't do good cutting her hair as a punishment in the heat of the moment.
If you read the follow up he did not do that
It wasn't punishment. It was a long-overdue haircut.
Some of the replies are ridiculous. She been told on more than a few occasions to look after it. No wonder kids do what the hell they want with some of these over reactions. 7 is old enough to understand simple instructions. He did right
Yes, the internet's reactions are always extreme: "divorce!" "abuse!" "doom!" No subtleties considered. I don't know why people go to the internet for advice. (yes, irony noted.)
Replying to Martha because she's been down voted into oblivion - 7 is not too young to brush your hair. I know because I was in charge of brushing my hair starting at 4 or 5. Like the daughter in this story, I didn't brush it and it was cut off after repeated warnings. After that I brushed my hair twice a day, even when I didn't feel like it. So I know a 7 year old can brush her hair every day. I mean, by 7 I was doing my own laundry, cooking for myself (nothing more complicated than eggs), and doing basic household chores like washing dishes and polishing silverware. A hundred years ago 7 yr olds were frequently put to work in coal mines and stuff. 7 is not too young to brush hair.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
A seven year old isn't all that capable yet of taking care of such things on their own.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Nope. Sorry. Another punishment would have been better. Even better, let her go to school with her hair looking awful. Once she got some flack from her peers, she would have done better.
This is worse. Besides shame often doesn't work
I think he was right to cut it, just maybe not in the heat of the moment. I've always had long hair and have taken care of it since I was in kindergarten. She's old enough to be brushing her own hair and to understand why it's important.
He didn't cut it heat of the moment, as was made clear in his edit at the end.
Yeah, I've always had long hair, and it was already my job to brush it before I started kindergarten. Mom would help us pull it back into a ponytail or a french braid or whatever, but we showed up with it already brushed.