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Woman Brings Son To Work BBQ, Coworker Snaps: “Had To Set Boundaries”
Interview With Expert
Misbehaving children can really get under one’s skin, especially if they’re not the biggest fan of them. However, this doesn’t mean that they should take matters into their own hands and tell them off. Many parents don’t appreciate when someone else tries to discipline their kids, and the mom in this story was one of them.
After witnessing that her coworker grabbed her son by the arm and ordered him to stop the chaos the kids made while playing, the mom went full-on mama bear mode and came to the rescue, yelling back at her.
Scroll down to read the whole story and conversation with conscious parenting coach Blanka Molnar, who kindly agreed to share her insights on disciplining kids that aren’t your own.
RELATED:
Many parents don’t appreciate when other people try to discipline their kids
Image credits: pressmaster / freepik (not the actual photo)
Just like this mom who, after witnessing her coworker scold her child went full on mama bear mode
Image credits: krakenimages.com / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Desloucado
In most cases, disciplining someone else’s child is absolutely inappropriate, the expert says
Image credits: gzorgz / freepik (not the actual photo)
Conscious parenting coach Blanka Molnar tells us that in most cases, disciplining someone else’s child is absolutely inappropriate. “Nobody knows you, your parenting style and principles, or your child’s situation, needs, etc.”
However, there are certain scenarios where disciplining by somebody else becomes necessary, says Molnar. “Situations like when somebody’s safety is at risk, when the disciplining person is in a caregiver role, or when there is a clear agreement and consent between the parents and the person disciplining,” she explains.
Aside from these, individuals should typically refrain from telling off children that aren’t their own. However, some people feel entitled to discipline other people’s kids due to cultural or generational norms, lack of boundaries, feeling emotionally triggered or involved in the situation, feeling obliged to express their own values, or acting as an assumed authority in the heat of the moment, suggests Molnar.
“In some cultures or among former generations (particularly baby boomers), it is more acceptable to get involved and share opinions on how others should discipline their kids,” she explains.
Meanwhile, less self-aware people might not recognize when they step over the boundaries of others. “Some people may carry unresolved traumas and feel triggered in a situation to the point that they feel an urge to intervene, for example, in a case of bullying,” adds Molnar. Because a lot of us want to be listened to and heard or even assume authority, we can express that through disciplining others’ kids, too.
“At the end of the day, it is the parents’ job to protect the child, even when the child is disciplined by others”
Image credits: dimaberlin / freepik (not the actual photo)
When parents see their kids being disciplined by others, Molnar says they have every right to protect and defend their children, but it has to be done in a respectful manner.
“At the end of the day, it is the parents’ job to protect the child, even when the child is disciplined by others. I would recommend having a conversation with the person stepping in. If possible, I suggest taking three deep breaths (if the chat is immediate) to calm the nerves and triggers and then kindly asking the person to chat with you instead of disciplining the child. You can ask their side of the story and what the reason was that they felt called to get involved.”
Besides, instead of overstepping and disciplining others’ kids, people can find alternative ways to express discomfort with a child’s behavior. Molnar suggests reaching out to the parents or primary caregiver and having an open and honest chat with them.
“Initiate the conversation from an emotionally calm space and try to keep an emotionally neutral tone as much as possible. Use ‘I’ sentences instead of pointing fingers or blaming parents to avoid triggering defensiveness. Instead of ‘Your child makes me angry when they hit their classmates,’ use ‘I do not feel comfortable when your child hits others. My job is to keep everyone in the classroom safe.'”
Some readers supported the mom
While some believed she should’ve watched her child better
Others thought that both women were in the wrong
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What do you think ?
Allison Slagle (Randomosity) 8 months ago
I'm with everyone who said the co-worker shouldn't have touch her kid, but OP should have stopped his disruptive behavior. I've got a feeling the kid was being a lot more loud and obnoxious than she implied.
Funhog 8 months ago
Agreed on all three points. I've learned that people who have loud children/pets frequently tune them out, thus do not realize how disturbingly loud they can be to others. (And, as a result, those children/pets get even louder to gain attention).
Load More Replies...
Mona 8 months ago
If a kid is causing a problem, then an adult has every right to talk to the kid. No one in their right mind will find the parent first, that’s insane.
Remi Flynne 8 months ago
Firstly, agree the other person shouldn't have laid hands on the child. Secondly, and I will probably get downvoted for this (& I know OP didn't say this specifically) but I find it frustrating when parents teach their children that there is an 'indoor voice' which in many instances implies it's okay to yell your head off outside. I can hear children in the next road along who yell & scream without being stopped. How about teaching them not to yell & scream indoors OR outdoors? I know they still will from time to time but it would be nice if parents didn't think that if their child is in the garden this makes it okay & just ignore it. Unless you have no neighbours whatsoever it's bound to be annoying someone - shift workers trying to sleep perhaps (a police officer neighbour I have for example). No idea how loud this child was, or the others playing with them, of course but doubt the parent would have been happy if their colleague had come over to complain either.
Emilu 8 months ago
My parents taught me as a kid about inside voices, but they also taught me about appropriate volume for outside voices (aka just because you’re quiet inside doesn’t mean you get to be all AHHHHHHHH outside). If I could do it I’m sure most other kids can as well. Sadly, not my mum’s neighbours’ kids. (Luckily they’ve moved now.)
Load More Replies... 
Donna Peluda 8 months ago
Sounds like OP has a dislike of people who dislike kids. Didn the kid behave afterwards?
Grape Walls of Ire 8 months ago
One person's comment about this post being AI generated motivated me to try getting ChatGPT to generate an AITA post. Yes, it is entirely likely this was AI.
Mel in Georgia 8 months ago (edited)
Wasn't there so can't say if the kid was being overly loud, but NO, you never touch someone else's kid. I have said things to misbehaving kids (it takes a village, right?) but always in a kind way and would never dream of grabbing or yelling. I might yell at someone who laid hands on my kid, though!
Apatheist Account2 8 months ago
You can touch someone kid if they're about to put their hand on the barbecue or toddle into a pool. Not in an aggressive disciplining way, but for safety, definitely.
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Deborah B 8 months ago
Was the kid perhaps getting underfoot or mking a nuisance of himself? I ask, because parents complaining like this are usually not supervising their child. If the kid was running near a pool, BBQ, person carrying plates, drinks, food, etc, or otherwise about to collide with someone or something, then stopping them before they caused an accident was normal behaviour. If the parent wasn't supervising their kid closely enough, they may have disregarded the near-accident, and only caught the telling off. The "zoo" scolding leads me to think this child was misbehaving. Supervise your kids, parents, your colleagues, acquaintences and random strangers don't like them as much as you do. You may think their behaviour is fine - other people may think they're being a nuisance.
MotherRobinson 8 months ago
I think a lot of you are missing the point. The OP said that her co-worker grabbed her kid meaning she put her hands on her child. It's one thing to tell the discipline a child by telling them that their behavior is wrong but you can do that without putting your hands on someone else's child. If the co-worker had a problem she could have just went to the mom and said hey can you get your kids to quiet down but she didn't do that she went and grab the child and yelled at him. I don't think it's ever okay for somebody put their hands on someone else's child.
LtKernelPanic 8 months ago
You never touch a kid that's not a family member unless there's danger. If the kid is misbehaving and the parent is oblivious yeah say something to the kid or better yet the kid and parent but you DO NOT grab them. Without being there it's hard to know how loud the kid really was. There are people that think kids under 13 need to remain silent at all timed and any noise is too much. There are also parents who let their kids do anything they want and just say "kids will be kids." Apparently for some people it's hard to find the middle ground. I don't have kids myself but I've watched my nephew many, many times over the years for my brother (single dad with full primary custody) and have no problem with someone telling him to quite down or knock it off if he's misbehaving but short of breaking up a fight unless there's an emergency you don't touch him or you'll find out how fast his normally calm and cool uncle can go from zero to "OH YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT!" mode.
Say No to Downvoting 8 months ago
Co-worker shouldn’t have touched the kiddo and should have gone to OP first but it’s IMPOSSIBLE to judge past that as we have no idea what volume and rowdiness was going on. Parents obviously have a higher threshold for kid noise whereas the “I don’t like kids” person is going to have a much lower tolerance for kid noise (and kids in general). Now, let’s all talk about how the BP censors didn’t pick up on the word “cunty” 😂.
Kari Lynn 8 months ago
Get the parent and make your complaint. You shouldn't ever touch someone else's child. Parents have learned how to tune out shrieking kids, out of laziness. I want to point out the importance of teaching your kids to scream only in an emergency. If they scream constantly, their parents might only locate them after it's too late. Also, a kidnapper could have them for some time before a parent realizes they are missing, because of the lack of nonstop screaming. Though it's unlikely the OP's kid would have come to it's demise at a BBQ, a little training could have prevented the incident from happening. I like reasonably behaved children who occasionally engage in loud laughter while playing, but I can't stand being around "little m*nsters".
Day Andie 8 months ago
Sounds like all the kids might have been yelling and she just grabbed the closest or the shrillest, or the youngest/littlest? Who knows? Whatever, she wasn't appointed playground monitor, so she had no business saying anything. Don't touch someone's kid, unless you're pulling them out of a burning building. It generally does not go well.
John Parish 8 months ago
Lucky it wasn't me. I would have knocked her the f out. Kids were playing that's their nature. If there is anything actual hazard you get all of there attention, not just grab one.
Ellen Pavesi 8 months ago
She was wrong to take the child by the arm and speak aggressively, but she was not wrong to discipline the child. The mother clearly doesn't care what the child does and he was probably being more annoying than the mother said
Sparkle 8 months ago (edited)
I can understand why mom got upset. Talking calmly to a kid is fine but grabbing a kid putting your hands on them is not okay. In my opinion it's parents jobs to parents. Unless I see huge problem such as a safety issue id tell the kid don't climb on x but never touch a child.
Sheena Leversedge Wood 8 months ago
well for a start, no, running and yelling is absolutely NOT okay at a zoo. it's stressful for the animals. in a garden, playing with other kids? well that's exactly the right situation for playing. don't get me wrong, I don't like it. I'm happily childfree, and the sound of children laughing is really uncomfortable for me, as I was badly bullied all through school. but I'm aware that is a ME problem, it's not the fault of the children here and now who are just having fun. as long as their not running into people, the barbecue, etc. they're not doing anything wrong. just playing. outdoors. which, last time I checked was something people complain children don't do as much anymore.
KatSaidWhat 8 months ago
They were playing tag FFS - did she tell them all to STFU or just the one. More than one kid is needed to play tag, this is why she was wrong to GRAB one, ONE kid, instead of asking parents to cool them down.
Allison Slagle (Randomosity) 8 months ago
I'm with everyone who said the co-worker shouldn't have touch her kid, but OP should have stopped his disruptive behavior. I've got a feeling the kid was being a lot more loud and obnoxious than she implied.
Funhog 8 months ago
Agreed on all three points. I've learned that people who have loud children/pets frequently tune them out, thus do not realize how disturbingly loud they can be to others. (And, as a result, those children/pets get even louder to gain attention).
Load More Replies... Mona 8 months ago
If a kid is causing a problem, then an adult has every right to talk to the kid. No one in their right mind will find the parent first, that’s insane.
Remi Flynne 8 months ago
Firstly, agree the other person shouldn't have laid hands on the child. Secondly, and I will probably get downvoted for this (& I know OP didn't say this specifically) but I find it frustrating when parents teach their children that there is an 'indoor voice' which in many instances implies it's okay to yell your head off outside. I can hear children in the next road along who yell & scream without being stopped. How about teaching them not to yell & scream indoors OR outdoors? I know they still will from time to time but it would be nice if parents didn't think that if their child is in the garden this makes it okay & just ignore it. Unless you have no neighbours whatsoever it's bound to be annoying someone - shift workers trying to sleep perhaps (a police officer neighbour I have for example). No idea how loud this child was, or the others playing with them, of course but doubt the parent would have been happy if their colleague had come over to complain either.
Emilu 8 months ago
My parents taught me as a kid about inside voices, but they also taught me about appropriate volume for outside voices (aka just because you’re quiet inside doesn’t mean you get to be all AHHHHHHHH outside). If I could do it I’m sure most other kids can as well. Sadly, not my mum’s neighbours’ kids. (Luckily they’ve moved now.)
Load More Replies... Donna Peluda 8 months ago
Sounds like OP has a dislike of people who dislike kids. Didn the kid behave afterwards?
Grape Walls of Ire 8 months ago
One person's comment about this post being AI generated motivated me to try getting ChatGPT to generate an AITA post. Yes, it is entirely likely this was AI.
Mel in Georgia 8 months ago (edited)
Wasn't there so can't say if the kid was being overly loud, but NO, you never touch someone else's kid. I have said things to misbehaving kids (it takes a village, right?) but always in a kind way and would never dream of grabbing or yelling. I might yell at someone who laid hands on my kid, though!
Apatheist Account2 8 months ago
You can touch someone kid if they're about to put their hand on the barbecue or toddle into a pool. Not in an aggressive disciplining way, but for safety, definitely.
Load More Replies... Deborah B 8 months ago
Was the kid perhaps getting underfoot or mking a nuisance of himself? I ask, because parents complaining like this are usually not supervising their child. If the kid was running near a pool, BBQ, person carrying plates, drinks, food, etc, or otherwise about to collide with someone or something, then stopping them before they caused an accident was normal behaviour. If the parent wasn't supervising their kid closely enough, they may have disregarded the near-accident, and only caught the telling off. The "zoo" scolding leads me to think this child was misbehaving. Supervise your kids, parents, your colleagues, acquaintences and random strangers don't like them as much as you do. You may think their behaviour is fine - other people may think they're being a nuisance.
MotherRobinson 8 months ago
I think a lot of you are missing the point. The OP said that her co-worker grabbed her kid meaning she put her hands on her child. It's one thing to tell the discipline a child by telling them that their behavior is wrong but you can do that without putting your hands on someone else's child. If the co-worker had a problem she could have just went to the mom and said hey can you get your kids to quiet down but she didn't do that she went and grab the child and yelled at him. I don't think it's ever okay for somebody put their hands on someone else's child.
LtKernelPanic 8 months ago
You never touch a kid that's not a family member unless there's danger. If the kid is misbehaving and the parent is oblivious yeah say something to the kid or better yet the kid and parent but you DO NOT grab them. Without being there it's hard to know how loud the kid really was. There are people that think kids under 13 need to remain silent at all timed and any noise is too much. There are also parents who let their kids do anything they want and just say "kids will be kids." Apparently for some people it's hard to find the middle ground. I don't have kids myself but I've watched my nephew many, many times over the years for my brother (single dad with full primary custody) and have no problem with someone telling him to quite down or knock it off if he's misbehaving but short of breaking up a fight unless there's an emergency you don't touch him or you'll find out how fast his normally calm and cool uncle can go from zero to "OH YOU DIDN'T JUST DO THAT!" mode.
Say No to Downvoting 8 months ago
Co-worker shouldn’t have touched the kiddo and should have gone to OP first but it’s IMPOSSIBLE to judge past that as we have no idea what volume and rowdiness was going on. Parents obviously have a higher threshold for kid noise whereas the “I don’t like kids” person is going to have a much lower tolerance for kid noise (and kids in general). Now, let’s all talk about how the BP censors didn’t pick up on the word “cunty” 😂.
Kari Lynn 8 months ago
Get the parent and make your complaint. You shouldn't ever touch someone else's child. Parents have learned how to tune out shrieking kids, out of laziness. I want to point out the importance of teaching your kids to scream only in an emergency. If they scream constantly, their parents might only locate them after it's too late. Also, a kidnapper could have them for some time before a parent realizes they are missing, because of the lack of nonstop screaming. Though it's unlikely the OP's kid would have come to it's demise at a BBQ, a little training could have prevented the incident from happening. I like reasonably behaved children who occasionally engage in loud laughter while playing, but I can't stand being around "little m*nsters".
Day Andie 8 months ago
Sounds like all the kids might have been yelling and she just grabbed the closest or the shrillest, or the youngest/littlest? Who knows? Whatever, she wasn't appointed playground monitor, so she had no business saying anything. Don't touch someone's kid, unless you're pulling them out of a burning building. It generally does not go well.
John Parish 8 months ago
Lucky it wasn't me. I would have knocked her the f out. Kids were playing that's their nature. If there is anything actual hazard you get all of there attention, not just grab one.
Ellen Pavesi 8 months ago
She was wrong to take the child by the arm and speak aggressively, but she was not wrong to discipline the child. The mother clearly doesn't care what the child does and he was probably being more annoying than the mother said
Sparkle 8 months ago (edited)
I can understand why mom got upset. Talking calmly to a kid is fine but grabbing a kid putting your hands on them is not okay. In my opinion it's parents jobs to parents. Unless I see huge problem such as a safety issue id tell the kid don't climb on x but never touch a child.
Sheena Leversedge Wood 8 months ago
well for a start, no, running and yelling is absolutely NOT okay at a zoo. it's stressful for the animals. in a garden, playing with other kids? well that's exactly the right situation for playing. don't get me wrong, I don't like it. I'm happily childfree, and the sound of children laughing is really uncomfortable for me, as I was badly bullied all through school. but I'm aware that is a ME problem, it's not the fault of the children here and now who are just having fun. as long as their not running into people, the barbecue, etc. they're not doing anything wrong. just playing. outdoors. which, last time I checked was something people complain children don't do as much anymore.
KatSaidWhat 8 months ago
They were playing tag FFS - did she tell them all to STFU or just the one. More than one kid is needed to play tag, this is why she was wrong to GRAB one, ONE kid, instead of asking parents to cool them down.
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