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Navy Sailor Faces Impossible Choice When CPS Asks Her To Take Cousin’s Kids Weeks Before Deployment
Having kids taken away from their parents is a tragedy that many families hope never happens to them. However, sometimes parents are truly unfit to provide care, and CPS stepping in is the only option. When that happens, other family members are the first in line to take them in.
But not all family members are willing — like the grandparents in this story, who refused to take in their grandchildren and expected a cousin to do it. The request left the Navy officer speechless: she hadn’t been close with her cousin for a long time, and had to be deployed overseas for 7 months.
So, she asked for advice online about whether she was being heartless or her aunt and uncle were just trying to guilt-trip her into taking in someone else’s kids.
RELATED:
A woman faced pressure from family members to take in her cousin’s children after a CPS arrest
But her life as a Navy officer was way too unstable for taking care of two kids
Women are more prone to people-pleasing, and the only way to stop it is to change your own behavior
It’s easy to take advantage of people in situations like these. Turning away from children who just lost their mother would be considered heartless by a lot of people. So, from their perspective, the aunt and uncle’s attempt to manipulate the OP into becoming their guardian made sense.
It’s even easier to take advantage of people who are prone to people-pleasing. According to a 2024 YouGov poll, about half (48%) of Americans consider themselves people pleasers, while the other half (47%) don’t. Women are also more likely (52%) to say they’re people-pleasers than men (44%).
People-pleasing tendencies can land people in situations they don’t really want to be in. If the 2008 comedy with Jim Carrey, Yes Man, taught us anything, it’s that saying “No” sometimes is okay and other times, strictly necessary.
But for chronic people-pleasers, that’s a tough task. What most people-pleasers don’t realize is that people’s expectations, demands, and urgencies are not going to stop — you have to put a stop to it yourself.
As Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., writes for Psychology Today about her own battle with people-pleasing, “the only authentic way out of my people-pleasing dilemma was to start becoming aware of my own internal world, recognizing that the only person I could change was myself.”
People-pleasing may not seem like a big deal when it’s about minor things like making dinner, paying for a friend’s sandwich, or staying late after work one time. But when family members start expecting you to become your cousin’s children’s guardian and expect you to say “Yes” regardless of your circumstances, you know you’re in trouble.
Here are five strategies on how to stop being a people-pleaser
Learning to say “No” can be really powerful. However, that’s not easy to do, especially when you’ve spent your whole life trying to please others. But failing to say “No” and stop people-pleasing can result in emotional and physical exhaustion, resentment, and burnout.
Connie Hatch, co-author of How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, offers five strategies for chronic people-pleasers:
- No overexplaining. When you say no, be curt and short: “Sorry, I can’t this time” or “I’m busy that day, apologies” are sufficient explanations. Going into more detail only gives the other person more to argue about.
- Don’t rush. If you’re not sure how you feel about a request, take your time to answer. People like to shroud their issues in false urgency, but unless it’s a literal health emergency, the problem can probably wait a few hours.
- Your plans are important, whatever they are. Even if you’ve decided to take some time to unwind, those are plans you made and don’t want to be disturbed. You don’t have to be “busy” to be unavailable.
- Make boundaries into policies. People respond better to a “No” when it’s not a one-time thing but a policy. Statements like “I make it a rule never to date people I work with” sound firmer than a simple rejection.
- Every “No” is an opportunity to take some time for yourself. Behind every “No” is a “Yes,” Hatch says. Instead of spending the day looking after someone else’s child or babysitting a neighbor’s dog, you have the opportunity for self-care, hobbies, and recharging.
Commenters sided with the OP, agreeing that she had no obligation to take in the kids
After a call with the CPS worker, the OP came back with an update
“The people-pleasing would have led to a lot more problems,” commenters noted and supported OP’s decision
Exhausted by family or in-law drama like this one? Visit our Family Dynamics Hub for expert-backed guides on toxic relatives, parenting styles, and personal boundaries.
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Tamra 7 hours ago
This is such a tough situation, and I've been in this position before. My brother and his girlfriend had their children taken from their custody (for very good reasons). They told the caseworker that I'd take the children and raise them, when I'd made no such agreement. I was 51, had raised my son, and taken care of my d***g mother. I loved these kids, but I knew I couldn't do it. Also, taking them in would guarantee further involvement with my brother and his girlfriend, which I did not want. The happy ending is that I was able to be present in court when a young couple, who had been struggling with infertility, were able to adopt both children. They both cried when the judge made it final, and hugged those little ones with as much love as I've ever seen. I hope these children have a similar outcome.
Binky Melnik 1 hour ago
Oh, great. I was aghast at the 72-year-old commenter who said she was contacted about caring for three children, and it happened to you at 51, too? I have five cousins I don’t know because my mom and her sisters shunned their brother, and in my imagination, they’re doctors and architects, but for all I know, they’re like the cousin in this story, and now I’m scared someone might hunt me down and say “Take these kids! You’re our only hope!” New fear unlocked. I’ve always assumed they’re looking for people in their 30s who’re established and in a position to take on kids. I had NO IDEA they also come after older and just plain old people, too. I guess when they get desperate enough, any OLD person will do.
Load More Replies...
T'Mar of Vulcan 4 hours ago
"Being an empath isn't a thing. You're not on the USS Enterprise." She's in the navy - how do they know she won't be on the USS Enterprise?!! (I'll show myself out.)
Sarah Jan 4 hours ago
This doesn’t have much to do with the sad plot of this story, but when she said the cousin “went on government assistance” and sat around doing nothing… there are a lot of myths out there about US welfare assistance, most of which exaggerate how easy it is to get and how much money is available. Able bodied people can get food stamps and Medicaid healthcare. They do not get checks that allow them to sit at home doing nothing. Disability payments exist, but even people with real disabilities have to fight for years to get qualified. Wait lists for housing assistance are SO long. This cousin was a disaster who couldn’t care for her children, but the “government assistance” referenced is basically not a real thing.
Binky Melnik 1 hour ago
Just to add on to what you said (all of which is 100% true; good job!), rather than being handed checks, people get what’s essentially a debit card to pay for things, and there are limits to what you can and can’t get with ‘em (cigarettes and booze, frex, are verboten). People who imagine that those on assistance are buying Cadillacs and iPhones haven’t the first clue. First of all, the cash assistance is so paltry that folks are lucky to be able to get the shampoo, laundry detergent, and so forth that they need with it, and with grocery prices as insane as they are, they hafta penny-pinch to be able to feed their families. There is no cash to spend on d***s or whatever people are imagining!
Load More Replies... Tamra 7 hours ago
This is such a tough situation, and I've been in this position before. My brother and his girlfriend had their children taken from their custody (for very good reasons). They told the caseworker that I'd take the children and raise them, when I'd made no such agreement. I was 51, had raised my son, and taken care of my d***g mother. I loved these kids, but I knew I couldn't do it. Also, taking them in would guarantee further involvement with my brother and his girlfriend, which I did not want. The happy ending is that I was able to be present in court when a young couple, who had been struggling with infertility, were able to adopt both children. They both cried when the judge made it final, and hugged those little ones with as much love as I've ever seen. I hope these children have a similar outcome.
Binky Melnik 1 hour ago
Oh, great. I was aghast at the 72-year-old commenter who said she was contacted about caring for three children, and it happened to you at 51, too? I have five cousins I don’t know because my mom and her sisters shunned their brother, and in my imagination, they’re doctors and architects, but for all I know, they’re like the cousin in this story, and now I’m scared someone might hunt me down and say “Take these kids! You’re our only hope!” New fear unlocked. I’ve always assumed they’re looking for people in their 30s who’re established and in a position to take on kids. I had NO IDEA they also come after older and just plain old people, too. I guess when they get desperate enough, any OLD person will do.
Load More Replies... T'Mar of Vulcan 4 hours ago
"Being an empath isn't a thing. You're not on the USS Enterprise." She's in the navy - how do they know she won't be on the USS Enterprise?!! (I'll show myself out.)
Sarah Jan 4 hours ago
This doesn’t have much to do with the sad plot of this story, but when she said the cousin “went on government assistance” and sat around doing nothing… there are a lot of myths out there about US welfare assistance, most of which exaggerate how easy it is to get and how much money is available. Able bodied people can get food stamps and Medicaid healthcare. They do not get checks that allow them to sit at home doing nothing. Disability payments exist, but even people with real disabilities have to fight for years to get qualified. Wait lists for housing assistance are SO long. This cousin was a disaster who couldn’t care for her children, but the “government assistance” referenced is basically not a real thing.
Binky Melnik 1 hour ago
Just to add on to what you said (all of which is 100% true; good job!), rather than being handed checks, people get what’s essentially a debit card to pay for things, and there are limits to what you can and can’t get with ‘em (cigarettes and booze, frex, are verboten). People who imagine that those on assistance are buying Cadillacs and iPhones haven’t the first clue. First of all, the cash assistance is so paltry that folks are lucky to be able to get the shampoo, laundry detergent, and so forth that they need with it, and with grocery prices as insane as they are, they hafta penny-pinch to be able to feed their families. There is no cash to spend on d***s or whatever people are imagining!
Load More Replies...
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